If I’m a Great Woman, Why Haven’t I Met Anyone Else Great?

 

Wow. Where do I start? I’m 42, and have never been married, and I guess that I have been dating idiots, or men who are not even dating material for the last 10 years. People always ask me why I am still single, I get all the popular comments, like “Oh, that’s a shame, still single at your age”. It’s ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with me, I’m athletic, been told I am attractive, outgoing, and I enjoy sports, and all sorts of out door activities, and have a great circle of friends, so why after all this time have I not met anyone? My last serious relationship was back in college! I’ve dated on and off for a few months to a year, only to have things crash and burn for one reason or another. What am I doing wrong? I’ve tried the online dating, only to become seriously jaded by it all. I do have an open mind, and have even considered meeting and dating guys I normally would not. But nothing ever comes from it. Do I give up? I’m tired of friends telling me that when I least expect it, I will meet someone great, well, I have not been expecting it, and it never came. What now? 🙁

Lauren

Dear Lauren,

I’m reminded of a story that Rich Gosse, the founder of AmericanSingles, once shared with me. It was an amazing response to how he dealt with skeptical press inquiries about his new business model.

“What kind of loser (I’m paraphrasing here) would go to an online dating site to meet someone?” the press would ask.

To which Rich would reply: ‘Well, there are a number of people out there who are socially awkward. There are a number of people who are somewhat weak and needy. There are a number of people who are so desperate for companionship that they’d do anything to avoid being alone. I call these people ‘married people’.”

I thought that was a brilliant answer. After all, there’s no special skill for getting married. Buy a ring, take a vow, and you’re married. It’s why I’ve never once worried about my qualifications to give dating advice. I don’t suddenly get smarter if I propose to my girlfriend. And if she dumped me, I wouldn’t suddenly get dumber.

All of this is me saying that there’s nothing wrong with being single. …Despite the title of my second book, Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised To Get Mad, being single is a fine state of affairs. I’ve been that way for 35 years and frankly, I’m a little anxious about getting married.

That said, most single people (including myself) DO want to get married. Which is why questions like Why You’re Still Single and “Why He Isn’t That Into Me” are supremely relevant. And since the age-old answers like “I’m picky,” “I just haven’t met the right guy,” and “Men suck” aren’t leading us to a desired conclusion, everything I write is designed to create a greater level of self-awareness in how we are complicit in our own fates.

Shining the light on myself, I’ve definitely been too picky at times. I’ve been difficult and argumentative at other times. I’ve been in dire financial and career straits at other times. Not surprisingly, now that my career as a dating coach is in order and my head is on straight, I’m more open to giving and receiving love.

So what’s your blind spot? I couldn’t tell you, but I know there’s something there that you’re not seeing. Read this post from a few months back and you’ll hear yourself, Lauren. It’s from another amazing 42-year-old woman, who can’t fathom why she hasn’t put it all together. You seem to be more self-aware, in that you’re claiming to have an open mind about dating. So that’s a start.

But I think the greatest thing keeping single people single is that they don’t truly make an effort to change things. They say they do, but they don’t really DO anything about pursuing love.

Think about dating as a job hunt. This is the core metaphor driving my first book, and a guiding principle of my friend Rachel Greenwald’s book as well. When we’re unemployed, we do everything in our power to find work. Yet when we’re single, we sort of hope things will work out. You said it yourself. “It’ll happen when I least expect it.” No! It’ll happen when you create it. So what are you doing to create it?

Are you telling your friends to set you up with single eligible guys?

Are you going to singles events – parties, trips, cruises – or at least doing activities that have single men in attendance?

Are you taking online dating as seriously as you could be?

Have you gotten a new photo?

Have you a one-of-a-kind essay?

Have you signed up for a six-month subscription on a big dating site?

Have you been searching for and initiating contact with men?

Have you been giving men second chances on dates?

Have you considered hiring a matchmaker or a dating coach?

If you’re not doing all of these things, you’re not doing enough. Yes, it’s great when the universe provides a cute, attractive, successful, intuitive, funny, kind, emotionally available man at your doorstep. But since this hasn’t happened in 42 years, what makes you think it’s gonna start now?

Listen, I don’t know you from Adam, which is why any advice I can give you is a bit scattershot. But I can tell you this:

Happiness studies have shown that happy people are the ones whose goals and actions are aligned. So if a guy is a people person, but works as a security guard by himself for eight hours a night, it should come as no surprise that he’s not all that happy.

So ask yourself: are your goals and your actions aligned?

Your goal: You want to be married.

Your actions thus far: ???

If love is truly more important than anything else in the world, maybe you should start living your life like it. Take action and change can happen. Otherwise, it’s just a lot of magical thinking.

If you want to know how to take action, you can reach me here.

Join our conversation (298 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 121
    Great Brittany

    So 42 is old?! Really?! What happens when you turn 65?! Will you be ancient then?! That is a really bad attitude about age! And that is called Ageism; it’s a form of discrimination! You telling women that they are old at 42 is really insulting! I’m 42!

    1. 121.1
      Jonathan Castle

      I’m 48, so don’t get mad at me.

      But men are biologically attracted to fertile women.   Just a fact of life.  A woman whose fertility window is closing won’t pull as much attention.

      I don’t know what women are listening to that they would deny this basic law of life.  Aging isn’t fun for men either.

      Pre-feminism, women provided a lot of other value to men, so age wasn’t maybe as much a discriminator…but that’s mostly gone now as women hate serving men in any capacity.

      So, we’re down to raw attraction which is great if you’re 20…not so much at 42.

      My advice is think about ways you can bring other value into a man’s life.

  2. 122
    candice

    Why should we work harder to get married? Let’s take a leaf out of men’s book.
    Let’s have babies with sperm donors, sex with young men no older than 25 years old and let’s have as company our girlfriends and a puppy/cat. Who needs to wash extra socks,have sex with a big belly guy guy who is trying to cheat on us on first opportunity and put up with farts and burps on a daily basis?
    We only need a good job and money.
    At the end of the day if someone nice gets alone it’s alright. If it doesn’t it’s still alright. It’s not the end of the world. On the contrary it can be quite peaceful.

  3. 123
    John

    32 single guy . you know how I found this blog I typed ” I guess I’m screwed if I’m looking on the Internet ” into google and I was t necessarily looking for this but, damn. If I meet a 10 and she’s great inside then awesome I’ve dated a ten phycopath before it’s not even a little fun after a month and I was with her for two years. point being absolutely I’d date someone not a supermodel but with all do respect weather your a man or a woman you have to be physically attracted to your partner. and I still have hope that person is out there I know she is. ps I also dated what I would consider a 6 for two years and she was horrible too and she cheated the phyco didn’t even do that.

  4. 124
    TheRealHonestTruth

    Well there are a lot of us good single men out there that feel the same way which many of us are certainly Not single by choice, and since so many women today are very independent, high maintenance, selfish, very spoiled, very picky, has a lot to do with it why we Never met a good woman to settle down with to have a family which many of us would’ve really wanted. We certainly Can’t blame ourselves since the women today have really changed over the years, and i wish that i could’ve been born much earlier since i would’ve been able to find a good old fashioned woman to settle down with since Most of the women in those days were much more nicer and Easier too meet which today many women are Nothing like they were. I mean, why would i ever blame myself to begin with like i have just mentioned since it is Not my fault that i am all alone now when i could’ve been easily married with a family of my own. Comparing the women today too years ago which many of the women back then were very much raised by good parents to find a good man to settle down with which many of them wanted to get married to have a family as well, and today Most of their parents are raising their children Wrong which is a real shame. And Both men and women years ago worked very hard to make ends meat, well at least most of them did since there was No such thing as a high maintenance woman either unless their parents were Rich to begin with.

  5. 125
    B

    “If I’m a great woman, why haven’t I met anyone else great?”

    Simple: you’re not humble.

    I won’t say anymore. Just let that sink in. If you don’t, then YOU don’t understand.

  6. 126
    Aj

    you have to think of it as if every person who is thinking like that keeps waiting for that other person to find u. Who’s doing the finding. It’s as simple as that and I can garantee when u think about it you have probably met a lot of the right people and just didn’t realise at the time. So start being the the one who makes the first move. Or at least assume they’ll always make the second 😇

  7. 127
    Rachel

    Well I am a 34 year old single woman, who is good looking, attractive so I’ve been told, funny and a singer in a band with a full life, friends and family. I wasted years with a guy who was long distance and wouldn’t commit.

    Now having being single for quite a while I have put the effort in to find a man who I can build a future with, I would like to get married and have a amily someday.

    But matter what effort I make to put myself out there and go on online dates I always get men who pretend to want more at first, but then state later on that they are not ready, or over their past issues ec

    I always work on myself and try different things while dating, hopefully learning lessons along the way but it  does feel hopeless now, reading all these dating articles and advice has helped somewhat as I don’t waste my time on someone if they don’t fully want the same things as me.

    People around me tell me to give up and he will find me.

    So far that’s not working either.

  8. 128
    Dudly

    I think people need to let go of the idea of a relationship. Too much of their happiness seems to hinge on it. I didn’t start dating until my mid 20’s and I was perfectly fine, ( maybe I felt a lot of social pressure to date), but I was never lonely.  My belief is that, there may never be the right person for you. It may be that you have your hangups or they are all taken. I dont usually find anybody I would want to date but I meet a lot of interesting people. Maybe I’m weird but I think your happiness should come within, not from another.

  9. 129
    sharica

    I’ve been married before but my ex husband. Was a disgrace let me tell you something. Ladies. Never trust any siblings around your husband.

  10. 130
    Lisa

    Wow lots of ladies unhappy with Evan on here so I am going to defend him.  We have gone back and forth a lot on things but here is the bottom line.  I don’t like what he has to say and neither do most women like me but ladies I’m sorry to tell you he’s right.   Are you going to find that unicorn man if you keep doing things the way you are doing them sure maybe but that’s unlikely.  So either you can choose to be alone and enjoy your life as it is and Evan many of us ladies will or you can change what you are doing and find a man.  I wish Evan was wrong I wish things were different.  But I also wish I was a millionaire and could eat and never gain weight.  Women in our 30s and 40s were sold a bad bill of goods.  We were raised in an era of girl power.  Get educated be independent be a leader don’t rely on men be your own woman.  Don’t settle for less than you deserve. You can have it all a gorgeous man a high powered career. Don’t conform just be yourself and someone will love you and so that’s what we did. The problem is that while that has gotten many of us really far in the business world and we own our own cars and homes and are CEOs and partners at firms many of us are still single despite also being very attractive and despite really trying.  I did everything went on a billion online dates etc gave guys chances all that jazz but realize that the personality that made me successful otherwise in life is unlikely to ever make me successful in dating.  Are there men that would date this writer and me as is sure but they representative about 5% of the dating pool and if you think about how many more women are getting educated and succeeding beyond that of men then there are a lot of women competing for that 5%.  So if you are over 35 and average you are SOL these men have their picks of PhDs that look like supermodels so that’s why they act arrogant.  Many career women married great men but notice they did it younger.  Those men were the unicorns and they were snatched up early on while we were working on building our careers and climbing the corporate ladder.  When we were ready our prince would be there right?  That’s what we were told? Men have not yet caught up with societal changes at least not men in the 30 or above crowd.  They know they are supposed to have.  Take the recent study that shows that men say they want smart women but in reality actually are threatened by them.  I think part is biology but part is society and I do think 20 years from now things may be different but for now they are not. The answer is in your situation you need to be willing to lower your expectations remember how many women are competing for that 5% and yes you need to change your behavior and your strategy.   And for those saying are there not an equal amount of men in their 30s and 40s that are single that are professionals?  Well the answer is no.  At least in the 30 age range women are fast out numbering men in college graduation and many more professional woman are single than professional men.  Plus women usually look for their professional equal or greater men do not.  A female lawyer wants a lawyer or greater while a male lawyer may be okay with someone with an associates degree or less.  So men that are your professional equal are not necessairly looking for you and they are likely looking for younger and more attractive women why because they can.  The more educated a man becomes the larger his dating pool is but the more educated a woman becomes the smaller her dating pool becomes sucks right? Look I don’t like this anymore than you do ladies and this is contrary to everything we have been taught but Evan is correct don’t kill the messenger.   If you cannot bear to accept what you perceive as less or change then be okay with being alone.  Many women have decided that they are and that’s okay.  And ladies you can blast me and that’s okay I want you to be right I wish you were right and there will be some men saying oh I love a smart woman and all that and some of you are the unicorns but some of you are also saying what you think you should and when presented with that woman whose salary is 3 times yours you date her for a month or two and realize you can’t deal been there done that too many times!   Good luck ladies.

    1. 130.1
      Chris

      I agree about these men becoming arrogant. I met a 21 year old college student whose attention span couldn’t possibly carry on a conversation, he was self righteous, rude, and he never called to hang out; of course he was interesting when I caught him sitting alone at church, but when I met up with him and his friends, he had no interest in becoming friends with me. At the same time, these college age women were very understanding and polite. (well, some of them) and this was at church, so I imagine it’s even worse on campus.  Real men are getting beat down by the system, while these guys use up as many women as they want.

  11. 131
    Seriously

    Gee Wiz, a lot of us great men are saying the same thing about the women too. Why can’t we meet a good woman today?

  12. 132
    Joy

    The original response to Lauren contained a point that resonated with me.

    “Well, there are a number of people out there who are socially awkward. There are a number of people who are somewhat weak and needy. There are a number of people who are so desperate for companionship that they’d do anything to avoid being alone. I call these people ‘married people’.”

    I am not socially awkward, or weak or needy and I’m not desperate enough for companionship to do anything to avoid being alone.

    That’s why I’m still single. I grew up thinking I should be my very best and not be dependent on a man for money or personal fulfillment. If I’m not happy on my own then I will never be happy married either. It made sense to me at the time. And in a way it still makes sense. But the part of me that would like to find my future husband knows it just doesn’t work that way.

    Men really need a woman who is pleasant, calm, and makes her man feel great when he’s around her. And they prefer she be physically attractive because he would like to have sex often with her. It makes sense that he doesn’t feel a need to value any of the other things about a woman.
    A man doesn’t gain any emotional comfort/security from being with a woman who is intelligent, successful, funny, accomplished, organized, athletic, educated, etc etc.

    I’m sure a man would feel proud of his wife/girlfriend if she did have all these great attributes/accomplishments but from my experience if these things seem more important to the woman, than her man is to her, then it won’t work.

    It’s a very complicated balancing act for both men and women to figure out how all these aspects of their lives fit into each other. And honestly it’s extremely exhausting.

    When I choose a man who is as accomplished as me, usually he doesn’t have enough time for me. When I choose a man who is down to Earth, usually he is not as driven as I am. Etc Etc.

    I am not superficial. I do value a man for who they are on the inside. But when I lower my standards it’s even worse. I’m not even going to bother with those horror stories. (By standards I mean date a really old man or really ugly or really poor.)

    It doesn’t matter how hard I try or what I change.

    The truth is life is hard. Modern life is complicated and confusing. As soon as you get comfortable and think you get the hang of something ……it changes with a new iPhone app.

  13. 133
    Cathy

    I totally agree with Evan. I actually came to this conclusion myself about 15 years ago that if I want to meet and have a relationship/marriage with someone who is right for me that I would have to make a concerted effort because it was not hard to see that the two failed marriages that I had to endure were a result from doing nothing whatsoever to meet someone good for me in the first place and instead I gave the chance to whoever just turned up that was interested in me, and married that guy.  Of course in each case he was attractive and seemed nice at the time, but I should have looked for more than that, and been more discerning. However, since realizing this, I have not lifted a finger in pursuit of any such relationship and in asking myself why I have come to the conclusion that it just isn’t important to me, and there are too many things about the whole idea that I dread. I never really desired to have children either, so I never did. Subsequently I am happily single at 52 and have no desire to enter into a relationship, or lift a finger in that direction , and I am a hard working diligent person so it isn’t because of laziness. I am always willing to put the time and effort into what I really want, and that is how I came to the cathartic realization that I don’t, and maybe never really wanted that or  maybe I just completely lost interest after two failed marriages from which I have already experienced a total to 20 years of marriage during which I was treated in a disloyal way.

  14. 134
    Daniel

    There is nothing wrong with what she just said. 

  15. 135
    Jessa

    I am mid 30s single mother and have lost interest even in the thought of having a relationship, too many of the supposedly happy married men I work with are looking for affairs with people half their age or whatever they can get basically, its left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I am also sick of being perceived as easy or desperate because I am a single mother, when I am neither. It seems to get so much harder to meet decent people as you get older.

  16. 136
    Hubert Hargett

    One thing about society is clear its certainly more acceptable to slam men!!!!!

  17. 137
    James

    Well now that so many women today that have their careers making a very high salary which most of them will never go with a man that makes much less money than they do since most women are very power money hungry these days and very greedy and selfish too which is very unfortunate for many of us good men out there that just don’t care about how much money you women make.  Most high salary women today do want the best and will never settle for less since it is all about money for them which so many of the women do think that they’re all that which their really not at all since their greed and selfishness like i just mentioned made them get carried away.  If i was that fortunate to meet a good woman that makes much less money than i do which i could really care less since it is no big deal for me but if we happen to be very compatible together which can make the relationship work since it does take two to make it happen. This is a very excellent reason why many of us good men unfortunately are still single today since most of the women are really to blame when we have no reason at all to blame ourselves for our singleness which many of us would have been all settled down by now with our own good wife and family today since there are certainly many of us men that are not single by choice.  Unfortunately most women are very picky when it comes to having a relationship since many of you will just grow old alone with no love life at all which many of you should stop being so very picky which i am sure that many of you would rather be in a relationship instead of being all alone.

  18. 138
    Diana

    Hie guy
    lets leave everything in the hands of the almighty God he knows all the reasons why we have to stay single. We may stress out with marriage may be the right time of us is not yet coming. Think about Sarah she conceive a child when she was 60.. Like us today jehovah will give us husband on his due time.
    I have my cousin she was married when she was 60 guess what she also had a bealoved husband and a handsome son. And my cousin she looks like she is on her fourtees.
    please guys don’t give up persevere in Prayers heavenly god will answer the prayers on his right time.
    you are still young in the eyes of Jehovah don’t overwhelmed your burden and forget about your bealoved heavenly father Psalms 55v22.

    l’m 47 still single
    Diana

  19. 139
    hammer

    Hi, I’m a 36, tall, fit, attractive, european man living in the US (excuse me about my english, far from perfect yet I know but getting better), not wealthy unfortunately but I would not call myself a loser either. I have goals and I’m on the right track I guess. And one of those guys who you’ll find in those online dating sites only looking for sex (see you around haha).

    But I’m not pretending to troll this site, I promise. I feel your pain. I wish you the best, I don’t think most women who are posting here complaining about their situation are bad persons who need punishment or anything at all. It’s just the way things are, I’m not blaming you. But I can’t marry anyone out of pity, I hope you can understand. That would be the worst of the reasons to do it.

    In fact, I’m here because I would like to share a different perspective, just in case it might be of some help for someone. I believe positive thinking is a sympton of our sick society who doesn’t address problems anymore, just ignores them. I will just tell the truth, stop listening to those morons who only say what you want to hear so they can feel better about themselves. By telling the truth I will be more useful to you, I promise.

    First of all, I don’t know any single man who is trying to find someone to spend the rest of their lives with. They are not trying. Maybe they feel alone a couple of days a year, or perhaps I can think about one of two weirdos I know, hopelessly romantic, and inexperienced with women as well who are that desperate to find someone because lets be honest, marrying is their only chance anyway. But that is not the norm.

    So, why are there men who get married you will be thinking. Well, the truth is, men don’t try to find someone, they usually decide to marry after they find that someone, not before. Does it make any sense? Because it makes a huge difference for me, it is KEY to understand everything.

    When you are looking for someone to marry, someone nice, someone with a set of random attributes that make him worthwhile of your time in your eyes, someone succesful, with a career, someone who wants to give you a family, someone who looks handsome in the family photos you are going to make together, someone who you couldn’t met yet, who you don’t know his name or haven’t seen his face, let me tell you it looks like you are looking for a purse, not for a partner. It is not romantic, it is opportunistic, and selfish. Think about it. What does your attitude make us look like? Like a tool, like something, not someone. And many men are aware of this. That’s what I’m thinking when I listen a woman without a boyfriend saying she wants to get married. Marrying who? How can you want to marry someone who you didn’t met yet? Just the truth.

    We men want to know you first, then if everything is allright, we will fall in love, and if we fall in love that much, we will want to marry. That’s how it works for us. Most women in their 30s, not before, do it backwards. They want to marry, so they try to find a man who will love her that much, without giving him the opportunity to know her so they can love her just a little, or to demonstrate that she loves him too. That is not going to work.

    Then, there is this big lie I hear women repeating all the time. We are not afraid of confident women. I repeat, men are not afraid of confident women. And do you know why I’m so sure of this? Because we men know that confident people don’t need to brag about what they are, they simply are. What we avoid like the plague, are the big mouthed, sarcastic, women with a huge ego, who are not confident people, they are just trying, and who never assume responsibility for anything they do, putting all the blame on men. We know those women will make our life miserable if we stay around, because that’s the only way those women are able to feel good about themselves, being toxic to others.

    And last, you have to understand that we all have a past. We are what we have lived. And you can’t approach a relationship with a man in his 30s like with a 18 year old boy. At my 30s I’m not going to be stunned by your beauty like I was when I was 20, you need to put something more on the table and I’m not talking about your career, that’s for you. My hormones are not the same, neither are your beauty (no offense intended). When I was 20 I was naive and I gave everything to the woman i thought i loved, in my 30s I’ve been hurt already and I’m careful about people I meet. Don’t worry, I’m not going to bore you with the details of my broken heart in our next date. I know that is a deal breaker. But now I’m telling you just the truth, remember.

    When we met in high school we were both our first, and we idealized each other. We thought we were a perfect match and we always were going to be together because we couldn’t look anywhere else and compare. Now in our 30s we both did in fact, and, you know what I mean, the partner at your side is not always the winner. Specially if we now are older people dating older people and then we were both youngsters dating youngsters. Get the idea?

    So, you want to marry anyway because you want your wedding, your party, be the princess, and feel included in your family and group of friends. What can you do? If you are in your 20s you are lucky. You have all the options. Most men will react to some loyalty and humility even if it is fake. If you show yourself like someone they can trust, they will. Most of them are still naive, avoid douchebags and you will be fine. If you are in your 30s and beyond, well, my advise is to humble down a lot. I mean, a lot. Aim for the more awkward men, the more inexperienced, the shy, the mouth stuttering, god fearing, bald short guy, those without options will be in a seller market. The rest of us are buyers. Good luck.

  20. 140
    Amy P

    I’m a 51 year old woman who has never been married.  When I was younger I made typical, unintentional mistakes because I was too damned trusting that led me to get involved with the wrong men all for the sake of “finding the right one”.  What I discovered is that most men want nothing more than to take you home, screw you, and when they are tired of you dump you for other women.  I had a sign on my forehead that said “If you are a jerk, please come this way”.  And they did.  I’ve been told I’m very pretty, have a nice figure yet not super model quality, great sense of humor and am outgoing, confident, and intelligent.  I’m also independent, and being older and wiser won’t put up with any crap from any man.  I’m not quite as trusting as I used to be and I’m glad.  It has saved me from more heartaches.

    And,  I’m doing what some of the women who commented above are doing.  I’m going out, doing things and not sitting by the phone pining and waiting for the phone to ring or waiting for the Knight on the White Horse who doesn’t exist and never will.   I’m involved in my church, go out with friends, and have a good male friend from my church whom I hang out with as well as some female friends.  I’m not going to change for any man when most of them want only women who look like pornstars and super models.  I don’t fit either one and am glad that I don’t.  Until some of these guys lose their superficial immaturity regarding women and whom and what they should be,  I want nothing to do with them.   I’m not going to shop for a guy like going to a supermarket.  It’s bad enough that many singles dances and online dating sites are treated like a big joke by some men who only want to get laid and use it as a major hunting ground.  It’s like a candy store to them and nothing more (even to some of the women who are just as bad).

    My self respect is more important than mob respect.  The kind of man who accepts me for who I am as a person first is extremely hard to find anymore.  I gave up looking.  At least I’m wiser now and am extremely careful.  I’m friendly, but at the same time I watch,  listen, hear and learn when it comes to meeting men.  If a man wants me he’s going to have to work hard to get me.  No more will I give free milk because I believed his lies.

    I don’t like the fact I’m spending my life alone, but I’m not going to let it stop me from having fun and enjoying my life.   Whatever will be will be.  I’m not a shrinking violet and won’t act like one.

    1. 140.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      And yet you don’t sound happy. Perhaps you could use some guidance on a way to get what you want.

      1. 140.1.1
        Amy P

        Actually it has nothing to do with happiness or unhappiness.  I’m more unhappy at the fact that men have treated me as they have than actually being by myself.  And I know male friends who had the same problem with dating women.  As a Christian, if I had asked God for his guidance instead of “trying to make it happen”, I wouldn’t have possessed that air of desperation I had when I was younger and brought the “bad guys” into my life.  When we try to “make” it happen it often doesn’t work because many people force it, and it drives people away.  In my case, once men who want women to take care of THEM find out I’m a poor girl they aren’t interested anymore.  A dead giveaway is when they ask me how much money I make and what I do for a living.  THEN, when guys I’ve dated who have money find out I’m living paycheck to paycheck, they just assume I’m another gold digger.  This day and age is totally different and more difficult regarding relationships.  I don’t have any unrealistic expectations anymore.

  21. 141
    InverseFloater

    Evan, I think the issue here is that many women will lower their standards of how they want to be treated by a *sexy* man rather than lower their standards as to what is *sexy* – the harsh truth is that virtually all women find the same 10-20% of men attractive so those men are going to inundated with offers of sex – and they think he’s going to commit to them?

    Just like men are told to lower their expectations – women who want to be in good partnerships need to value abs, money, and symmetry less, while valuing intelligence, virtue, and courage more.

    – for all the women who will say oh they do value intelligence, virtue, and courage more – what you are doing is filtering out the 80% of unattractive guys first and then saying you want those virtues – such a crock of sh1t! lol

  22. 142
    gardengnome

    Why can’t this woman find a guy she likes? Well, you get you’re answer in the first seven words of the article. ‘I’m 42′.

    A very harsh truth of the world is that women hold the cards in their early 20s and if they don’t play them, they lose them.

  23. 143
    Chris

    I doubt anyone wants to hear this, but I’ve been a single guy for 36 years, I’ve never bothered going on a date, except when I was in my 20s and desperate for a wife (which turned women off). Now I’ve made my own happiness.

    Thing is, women aren’t as attractive as they used to be. Men are getting the milk for free, just by making a phone call to these sluts.  Most men are not only attracted to these good girls who also have self respect, but they also respect the ones who wait until marriage to have sex. These men are disappearing, of course, but the back of every guys head, they want to marry a virgin.  A feminine virgin.  If you act like a rude feminist, then you are going to attract rude people. I personally don’t mind an aggressive woman, but there’s a difference in “I can take care of myself” aggressive and going after the man you want aggressive. My two cents..

  24. 144
    Jessy

    Married isn’t Key of life

    Happiness is

    That isn’t your wrong to be single and happy

    That will wrong if you married with wrong person and he destroy your heart your life

    Well I just wanna say

    You have value enough to be single, you know what you want and just not found yet and if not found just let it go don’t waste time with suck person

    By the way you have a lot of thing that can make your soul happiness just find what you would like to do or what interesting activities you won’t do yet

    Do it! And be happy dear

    Ps.Sorry for my poor english

  25. 145
    TL

    Well,

    I’m a 42 year old divorcee with two kids. I wrote a self-help inspiration book about forgiveness and moving forward after divorce. I have been single for 11 years. I have had an occassional friend or two I’m between but nothing serious. It was intentional on my part. But now im in the trenches of life dodging every circumstantial grenade that is launched my way alone. I do believe in being proactive…but there is a fine line between proactiveness and desperate in the dating world. I get it. Make yourself known, available and approachable….i do those things. But I’m doing too much of this we could deny ourselves the courting experience we want and deserve. Men are hunters….yet the hunt is overrated and not happening in 2016. You made a lot of good points. You did….but let’s face it, men sont want wives…they want trophies…even the 5’s. As a matter of fact men don’t want some  they want the cyblrgish look alike of a sleezy reality star. Not all men…but a lot of men have traded unyielding requirements for a shallow standard. It’s true.

    1. 145.1
      Jonathan Castle

      “Courting experience we want and deserve.”

      Honestly, courting is for 18-year old virgins.  Men will work and charm and persist through all challenges for the opportunity of  a lifetime with a young, fertile girl.

      At 42, I think courting is not realistic.  You aren’t a young princess anymore.

      Is it enough for you to have a healthy, fun relationship with a man?  Because if you want the Disney-land experience, I think you’re setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment.

      Men see this need for ‘courting’ as a big tell of childishness.  You can’t have a serious relationship with a child.

  26. 146
    LAUS DEO

    I know no one will believe me when I post this but it is true with not one wit of exaggeration. I am successful, well educated, emotionally and financially stable, very athletic ( I still compete in sports) I own multiple properties, I have traveled extensively and I am well read. Here’s the part you won’t believe, Pierce Brosnan or Mark Valley doesn’t have anything on my looks (I am not bragging God made made me who I am). I have people stop me and ask me if I am a famous person or are you in the movies? I am just like the people above have described. I have not found a wife or even a serious relationship with a woman. I don’t understand it! The only way to describe it is well! I can’t describe it! It’s beyond description!

    1. 146.1
      Joy

      As a well educated, good looking woman I tend to shy away from overly good looking men.  Men objectify women enough – when they are rich AND good looking they are, in my experience the biggest douche bags on earth.  They have swanned through life using women and they have the ego and arrogance to match.  My last relationship was with a multi-millionaire – he was controlling and arrogant.  Since as long back as I can remember the best looking guys treated girls the worst and then some.  It seems they don’t need to try to be nice or kind and so they don’t be.  Maybe a lot of other women have had the same experiences with good looking men as I have?  The other possibility is of course, that you’re too busy to put yourself into positions to meet suitable women. I met my millionaire on a cruise – he was with his kids, I was with mine.  The good thing about that was no WI-FI so we had no idea what the other earned – he could be assured I wasn’t after him for his money, lol… Unfortunately, his personality after a while showed itself, so his money couldn’t save him then. I thought he was unbelievably good looking but I don’t have a taste for pretty boys.  Maybe women are intimidated by your looks??  Most good looking men are players because they can be – the last thing a serious woman wants is a player. In this case your movie star good looks are probably working against you.  I’m not suggesting you are a player it’s just most women might think you are because of your looks.

  27. 147
    Elizabeth

    Nothing new in my story.  I’m 56, very well-educated, confident, successful, talented, pretty.  People take me for 10 years younger.  I’m divorced with 2 nearly grown daughters.  I’ve been on two dating sites for more than three months, and I’ve never had a conversation let alone gone on a date.  Evan, I purchased your Finding Love Online and found it very helpful.  I worked through it, and took your advice. I religiously send out the questions  (I’m on eHarmony) and send emails, but no takers. Lots of men smile or tell me what a nice profile I have.  But no takers. Men I don’t want, who clearly are not compatible, are very bold, but not the others.  I’m not talking about the Brad Pitts; I’m talking about ordinary men who have something interesting between the ears.  I live in central New York state, not exactly no man’s land, but very few of my matches are less than two hours away. are several hours away.  I’m willing to do the distance, because I’m not closed to relocation, but they’re not.  I’ve fooled with the settings. I’m willing to date outside of race and religion. I have a great profile (I’m a writer, and I know I do), and good photos.  No takers.  I last dated a man my age who  I met face through a friend, but he is now engaged to someone 27 years younger.  We were serious about each other, but I think when it came time to move to the next level,  my confidence and accompishment were off-putting.  He didn’t know what to do with me. It was easier to start with someone who hadn’t yet lived a full life. I’m an optimistic, forward-thinking person.  I have a close circle of friends, a job I love, great kids, and a rich life.   Part of me believes that there must be someone there for me.  I’m not an oddball, after all.  I will persevere, but it is getting discouraging.

    1. 147.1
      Johnny

      Honestly, being 56 is the biggest reason. Sucks to say it but as a man who’s 5’5″, I know all about a condition you can’t help that is crippling. Very few men are looking for a woman of that age and even men in your age group will be looking at someone who’s younger and can usually get away with it. A lot of women in their 20s and 30s foolishly think that they can just play the field and focus on their career and that men will simply be available when they want them later on. Sorry ladies, but that’s not how it works. By the time they’re “ready” and done with their partying and climbing up the business ladder, they’re older and fallen behind in competition with younger women. Men usually don’t lose much social appeal as they age, as plenty of celebrity men in their 50s are considered sex symbols while the opposite is very rare. it’s just a sad reality that as women get older, they lose appeal.

      Saying all of that, I do truly hope you find someone. You sound like a lovely woman and hopefully someone gives you a chance. As I said before, I have no illusions that being 5’5″ is a major crippling blow to my dating prospects and very few women are interested in guys under 6′ tall, especially online.

  28. 148
    Roberto

    So, she thinks she may be dating idiots or men that are not marriage material?  Sounds like someone has issues with who they choose to go out with and/or has lousy taste and a lousy attitude.

  29. 149
    Jonathan Castle

    48 year old divorced white man here.

    Male/female relationships are just totally foobar’d in 2017.

    o Marriage is predatory for men.

    o Dating is predatory for women.

    I get dates on Match, but just haven’t wanted to follow through after the first.  After finding women somewhat in shape, the biggest stumbling blocks for me is:

    Aggressive Liberal/feminists attitudes

    Really.  I just don’t see how a healthy relationship can develop when someone has such a large chip on their shoulder about men.

    Everything is confrontational / competitive from the very start.  Ladies, I can tell you a high value man in his forties has Zero appetite for this.   He’s already paid his relationship dues in his life and will just walk at the first hint of more.

    I’m beginning to think the best this generation can hope for is ‘living together apart’.   Being together but not living together.

  30. 150
    Johnny

    Here’s a simple test to give women who “don’t know why” they’re single.

    Have you ever turned down a guy for being “too nice”?

    Have you ever given your number to a guy you weren’t really interested in but was just trying to “be nice” then ignore him?

    Have you labeled guys who responded to your texts promptly as “clingy”?

    Have you ever had a great time on a date, laughed plenty, had much in common, but turned him down because he “was just like a friend”?

    If you answered yes to those, then congratulations, you’re the problem. Sort yourself out first and then get back to it. Way too many women complain about men being “no good” yet can’t look at themselves in the mirror and see how they’re acting.

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