I’m a Single Mom Who Is Ready To Give Up On Men Because They All Want Sex.

815 Shares

I am 34 years old, divorced four years. I was married for ten years, have four beautiful boys under 9 and have a very fulfilling and successful career. My life is happy, but I really would love to share it with someone… but dating when you have FOUR kids is like the Mt Everest of the dating world! It seems almost impossible for men to see past that.

Well, let me clarify: I have no shortage of “dates”. I guess I must be in reasonable shape because NOBODY can guess I’ve even had four kids, or that I’m even 34 (I get asked out by guys in their early 20s- I feel like I should read them a story and tuck them into bed… not GET into bed with them, uh!). I have an outgoing personality and seem to be asked out a lot… we usually go on a few dates, everything is going wonderful… but nobody ever COMMITS. I’m not talking about church bells, but just to an actual relationship.

I am SICK of feeling used. I am sick of being treated like a piece of ass, and treated like I must be desperate because I have kids. I’m tired of guys treating me like I should be grateful if they even stick around for five minutes. Even if I really take my time getting to know someone before we become intimate… it seems that sex is all they continue to want. Don’t hear from him for days, I assume it’s over…then a text with, “hey are you home tonight?” Grrrr.

What? Do I need to be a nun in order to find someone who can actually see a relationship with me? Is it unreasonable that I am hoping someone could take me seriously or see my worth? I’ve been in a terrible relationship before and honestly now, I’d rather be alone than with the wrong guy. I believe I have a lot to offer – I am caring, kind, warm, loyal and intelligent. There is more to me than a MILF.

I am not looking for a father for the boys; they have one. I am not looking for a provider; I provide very well for myself. I just want a friend and a companion and someone who I have chemistry and intellectual compatibility with.

I am seriously at the point of giving up on the whole dating thing… Is it too much of an ask that I could actually meet someone who can see me as a woman, and not just as mother or worse, a bit of bedroom fun? Should I just shelve my desire to find a partner? I know Everest is high, but SOME people get up the damn thing, don’t they?

Ironically- I write Romantic Comedies for a living. I just didn’t think I’d end up stuck in one. 🙁

Cristina

Dear Christina,

Before I give you the pep talk you need, let me first acknowledge the painful truths that you’ve eloquently outlined above. I’m sure many other women can relate.

Having four kids under the age of 9 is a huge handicap. I’d try to spin it in a slightly more positive way, but I can’t. As a screenwriter, I don’t know if you live in LA or not, but this is a town where people don’t grow up for a really long time. I got married at 35 and had kids at 37 and 39 and I was ahead of most of my friends. There’s no way that I — or most men who don’t have their shit together — would willingly enter into a relationship with a woman who has so many other responsibilities, the way all moms do.

At risk of making myself look bad, I once dated a single mom of a two-year-old. She was smart, she was sexy, she was financially independent — and she had no time to give to me. At the time, when I was 33, I blamed her for this, thinking that if she liked me more, she’d make a greater effort. In fact, it had nothing to do with me. What I didn’t know then is that kids suck up every second of free time you’ve got, and that you have to work extra hard to create me-time, much less couple-time. Ultimately, all I wanted from that single mom was to hook up, because that’s all I felt she could give me. Whether it’s fair or not is debatable, but that’s how I felt at the time. I’d venture to guess that your sex-oriented guys feel the same way. It’s not you they don’t want; it’s your lifestyle.

You shouldn’t quit because single men your age want sex and more time. You should just find a guy who is looking for a Brady Bunch family, who sees sex as the icing on the cake instead of the cake itself.

Maybe your ex shares custody and gives you weekends off, but I think we can all agree that women with four kids have less available time than women without four kids. And if the greatest gift a woman can give a man is her time, who are men going to gravitate towards — the harried mom who has to manage four lunches, babysitters, soccer practice, and bedtime routines — or the one who is blissfully unencumbered by such essential responsibilities? Put yourself in their shoes and it’s pretty easy to see.

The fact that you’re caring, kind, loyal, warm, and intelligent means that you have a lot going for you and will ultimately make a guy very happy. So instead of giving up on the whole thing — which, as you know — is incredibly shortsighted, given that you have 50 more years on this earth, how about you change focus?

Middle-aged divorced men understand what it’s like to be you. Single guys in their mid-30s who want to have their own biological kids in four years don’t. They want to take spontaneous romantic trips to Vegas, which is something that’s hard to do with four children of your own.

Instead of dating cute 34-year-old single guys who don’t have kids, how about you date cute 43-year-old guys who are in the exact same spot in life, who understand your predicament, who have obligations of their own, and who will be delighted to meet a woman who gets THEM.

You shouldn’t quit because single men your age want sex and more time. You should just find a guy who is looking for a Brady Bunch family, who sees sex as the icing on the cake instead of the cake itself.

I promise you, they’re out there.

Today, I’m giving you my new book, “Believe in Love — 7 Steps to Letting Go of Your Past, Embracing the Present, and Dating with Confidence.” and it’s going to forever change the way you view dating, men, and relationships.

Click here to get your copy now.

Join our conversation (287 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 121
    Candace

    I dated a guy like this divorced,and thought he would understand. But turns out I am too good for him. I am going to stop dating period.

  2. 122
    Keith B

    I read this story and I have to say you had 4 kids and was married before. Now you are complaining about men don’t take you seriously? Then saying that you are worth more? The problem with you and this is the deal with men today. It is a buyers market. Meaning a lot of you women get bored in these relationships and then make shit up in your head that your current is such and such. Then you are looking for the next guy when you are with the current guy. Then you expect a guy to take on that responsibility of another man’s kids. Ladies, here is the deal be 100% sure that you want to have kids and who the father is going to be. Why? This is what could happen and now you have kids and men don’t see you as a dating option but only a booty call. It’s not the guys fault who is using her for sex. It’s the woman’s because she had 4 kids with her ex and then expecting men not to judge her on her past and to take care of her and her children. One thing I learned years ago on the Tom Leykis show is Tom repeatedly said not to date single mothers. He was talking about the subject with the state of Washington. Then I checked my neck of the woods as I am in Canada. I checked the laws and I haven’t dated single mothers since then because all a man has to do is bond with a child and he will be paying for kid/kids that isn’t his. If a guy knows the laws and willing to do that, then fine he can do it. I think it is stupid personally but I wouldn’t do it personally. The thing that gets me the men who don’t know the laws and their penis does the thinking for them. You might not like my answer but really you don’t have options and you mentioned becoming a nun maybe that’s a good idea for you.

  3. 123
    Stephen

    If I was out with Christina I would ask her the following questions:

    1.   Did your ex husband beat you or the children?

    2.   Was your ex husband an alcoholic or drug addict?

    3.   Did you ex get sent to prison for something?

    Other than that, as a guy, I would think “If she isn’t committed to working it out with the father of her children, do I really believe she’s really going to commit to me when times get tough?”   That answer is a very loud and resounding “NO!!”

    You made the decision to have a large family, and since women file 80%-85% of divorces it’s reasonable to assume you filed on him, and got divorced.   And now you want to find some guy to step in to that??   Maybe….if they are in their 50’s with older kids.   Oh, and not be wealthy.   No super wealthy guy is going to do that.

    Me?   If we matched on Tinder and you told me you had 4 kids I would unmatch and run….

  4. 124
    A.S.

    As a 33 year old mother of one in a similar position, only sans dates they just ask for sex and there is no date request (I guess I’m not pretty). I don’t want to date a 43 year old man . They aren’t cute to someone in their young to mid thirties. Cute and old? If this existed Botox wouldn’t. What would we even have in common other than the desire to not die alone and possibly kids? Nothing as we are from entirely different worlds. I can’t help but keep going back to simple physical attraction. He’d be old! Ancient! It’s like dating your father. Guess it is better to hang up the boots. Apparently it’s old man or alone. I still have a sex drive, and I don’t want to sleep with someone gross and old.

    1. 124.1
      Yet Another Guy

      @A.S.

      You are exaggerating a bit. Dating man who is 43 when you are 33 may not be ideal, but that is not a wide enough age gap to play the “He’s old enough to be my dad” card.   My ex-wife is seven years my junior, and I met her when I had just turned 36 and she had not yet turned 29 (neither of us had been married or had children).     Why did my ex date me?   Because I have never looked my age.   I hated it when I was younger, but I was loving it after I reached age 35.

      One last thing, I would be careful about playing the “all men who are more than my chronological age look too old” card because people start to age at very different rates after age 35 or so, and you may be one of the people who did not win the genetic lottery.   A lot of women start to age rapidly in their mid-to-late forties due to a loss of subcutaneous fat, and while you are still more than a decade away from that change, it will be here before you know it.   You would not like it if a man kicked you to the curb because you are aging faster than him.

      1. 124.1.1
        A.S.

        I’ll forgive you because you don’t know me or my family. I actually did hit that genetic lottery judging from both my parents and their parents. I suppose there could be some sort of bad luck, and maybe then I’d have to change tactic, but barring that I should be fine on that front. I also have something in common with the writer of the letter. I get told often I don’t look my age, still get hit on by much younger men (though I’ve always thought that was just a Mrs. Robinson thing and feel the same way as the author about tucking them in). My younger friend who is 26 always asks me for my youthful skin tips. I can’t tell her good genes and life isn’t fair, like how she’s thinner and younger than me, so I say good skincare routine. So in that sense, it’s about the only way I could be fussy.

        Oh, and guys kick out women all the time for getting too old, even when they are much older. Looking younger than him, that’s not always the issue. Look at trump. Young and new was the issue, and men of means as well as men of naught are not too far apart mentally there. Young, not younger.   Cal Worthington is another fine example, if you’re from the L.A. area anyways. Many times guys you’re that far apart with see you as an age and a look. No more seriously. You have nothing in common and they know it too. They may still play the nice card, dinner and whatnot (I’m prolly not hot enough for that level so idk), before they ask for a fling, but they still see you as a toy. If you’re really hot, possibly the mid life crisis gf/wife, but that too is temporary. I’ve had older men on dating sites (yes early 40s, divorced, with kids), offer to pay me when I wouldn’t sleep with them for free, but never dinner. These men would not have been described as a cute forty something either by other forty somethings.   Maybe a haggard forty something. They don’t bother with conversation anymore  than the younger ones. I think I’ve had one conversation chain with a guy since I became a mom. He lived too far away to make anything of it. He was well educated, child free, cute, near my age, and not opposed to single moms. I didn’t have to look in quite literally the previous generation (look at the dates, I’m actually accurate). Granted, it’s been allquiet on the western front since then.

        Concessions would have been one thought. That I could agree with. You’re not at the top of the dating food chain anymore, you need to be more flexible. Fair. Not just hope someone older “gets” your family, and because they have one of their own, so meh. Sounds like something I thought of about a cute high school boy as a child, not a mom in my thirties. Those guys more often than not also want the young and unencumbered for “keeps anyways,” and the rest for play. They still don’t want to raise someone else’s child. They want a hot young unincumbered partner all the same, and milf is just another flavor category for casual. Then when she gets too old upgrade again. I watched my own father do it, until this last wife. Yes I said last wife. She’s his age appx.

        Also, you never addressed the fact people so far apart prolly have little in common. In this case, if the only things in common are a familiarity with divorce and pampers they kinda remember changing while you did it yesterday. Sorry, it’s not exactly a great start.

        Finally, fact is while she has young kids, “his” kids are likely much older. At least from people I’ve seen on sites or know personally. By “his” age, she has little ones and “he” has teens. That’s also difficult. If the kids don’t like you, bye old guy! She has young kids. Kids without that kind of difficulty. Again, it’s fair for the single and childless to say no to parents, why should she have to face potential breakup because Susie is in high school and has a problem with her dad dating this woman? Her nine year old might act up a bit at first, but he won’t reject the guy with the right prompting and fun for at least two years.

        …and yes, I did exaggerate. It was more to emphasize my point. They still look like the guys I saw when I was younger and more child free on the dating scene, who either got they were past their prime and finally settled, usually with women their own age, or didn’t get it and wound up chasing women far too young for them. I don’t want that guy. That guy does see me as an age, because he wants me the same way a 43 year old cougar wants a 30 year old guy if she can’t get younger. The guy I really want is in short supply sadly. He probably still has a full dance card, and my name isn’t on it. So yea, nothing is perfect and concessions being made fairly will help, but I also don’t want to settle for someone I don’t want to sleep with anymore than someone without kids. I bet she doesn’t either, or she’d have slept with that “cute” 43 year old, rather than keep trying the hard way and feeling hurt. It’s a mighty assumption the 43 year old would treat her any better anyways.

  5. 125
    Mark

    Having 4 kids under the age of 9 is like being a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. You are really busy. Any guy that is with you is gonna get any leftover time he can get. The fact of the matter is your kids are your priority now, not a relationship.

  6. 126
    Kevin Andrews

    I was married 21 years to my wife she had a 4 year old son who is now 26 as he got old enough to talk it was get everything he wanted then the sister..twin was my wifes second priority and i became just a worker slave and get problems done …..never again

  7. 127
    Steve

    Great advice Evan,

    The best thing one can do in such a situation is to set standards for oneself. It would help to make a commitment to yourself that you will date the person you choose, but that you will not have sex until you are in a formal commitment relationship.

    Do you at all times and your personal honor and integrity will bear fruit.

  8. 128
    capitalist

    Single moms are a plague on this country!! They suck up valuable federal resources and give no value to the taxpayer. I won’t date a single mom because she has already shown poor judgement. There are enough normal women that luckily I don’t have to even consider single moms. These single women are not all saints and can sometimes be far worse than the problems associated with single mothers. When I see a tatted up and pierced woman I immediately rule her out. She obviously has esteem issues that led her to deface her body and these issues will surface at some point. I also don’t want her on my arm at an elegant event with colleagues and have all those tattoos exposed down her neck, back, arms etc… they just look trashy ladies so don’t do it.
    There are men suited for single moms but in general single moms don’t want them but must settle for them, “Beta males”. These men will accept the job as cuck and provider for someone else’s children. A huge problem for single mom’s is also that many modern males have no drive for success. The adolescent millenial men who play video games all day, smoke pot and generally just want to get by are not good options even for single mothers. My advice for successful men is to avoid the #metoo problems and just set a sugar baby contract where you can have the company of a female when needed but not the expense or drama of having to deal with them all the time. This strategy is becoming more popular amongst the older 40’s – 60’s wealthier men. Be sure to have the arrangement drawn up by an attorney so it’s airtight for you! Single Mom’s are a bad investment so don’t consider it!

    1. 128.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      On behalf of all our readers: Ick.

      Go away.

    2. 128.2
      No Name To Give

      Hey, asshole, I raised three kids as a single mom, oftentimes working 2 jobs to make ends meet, no tats, no Gubmint assistance, and during a break from working two jobs? Earned my BS and MPA. I now make about $100k a year. I still work a 2 job so I can keep my foot in the door in Radio. Oh, I also never took their dad to court. We worked everything out. It was HIS idea to pay child support. We never had to go to court. So go pound sand.

  9. 129
    Samuel

    Capitalist, I think it’s unfair to lump all single mothers into the same category, remember that some are widows of our fallen heroes! That being said I would not want to date the widow of a fallen hero as I refuse to be always second in her eyes and heart. Who can compete with that?? Capitalist how does one go about securing and “airtight” agreement with a sugar baby? I currently spend about $1700.00 a month dating women with varied results. I admit like the idea of a no games arrangement. Do you travel with your companion and how often do you see her? It seems like this approach would be much less complicated. I am not a wealthy person and I am younger than the 40-60 range you spoke of but I do make over 80k a year and my home mortgage is paid. Exactly how does this protect men from the “metoo” movement if you are still going to be in the private company of a woman?

    1. 129.1
      Lynx

      Samuel: this is probably not the best site for advice on contracting the services of a prostitute. Just sayin’.

    2. 129.2
      Buck25

      Umm, Samuel and Capitalist, I think that if you if you’re seeking a “sugar baby” to take care of your sexual desires, there are sites where you may find what you’re looking for as well as advice on how best to handle such “arrangements”. I’m pretty sure this site isn’t one of them, but one thing about the internet is there’s something there for every taste in the matter. I’m not going to list those for you, but just google “sugar baby” or “sugar daddy” , and I’m confident you’ll find what you’re looking for!

      As for hookers, unless you’re living in Nevada, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal, but if that’s your thing, you can find those too: see “escort services”. At least some of those are actually prostitution, and if the price is right…just be sure she isn’t actually an undercover vice cop, though…

      Actually though, I’m not sure why you need either; I mean, these days, casual sex is so readily available that it’s fairly easy to obtain, and without much work or expense, at that. Before I retired from the dating scene last year, I never had to look far to find women so inclined, if I wanted that, (didn’t see any real point in having sex with a woman I didn’t even know well enough to know whether I even liked her or not, but YMMV) and I was 70 at the time! I’m pretty sure you’re both younger, so if you can’t find that, you’re either looking in the wrong place, or you’re not doing something quite right. There are hookup sites out there though, so you might find similarly disposed women there, but again, I don’t think you’ll find them here. Just sayin’.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *