I’m In Constant Fear Of Losing Him — How Do I Calm Down?

A pretty middle aged woman looking upwards.

I am a 56-year-old teacher, and met a nice man in March. He ended it after a short time. I felt he was making a mistake, but left him alone. I started dating and saw that he was on Match.com again also. I sent him an e-card for his birthday in May. He responded nicely, but gave me no indication he wanted to start dating again. Then he contacted me and said he found an old cell phone message from me and he wasn’t going to erase it because I am so nice. We started dating again in the beginning of June, and saw each other every day of his week-long vacation (he initiated it).

Now he is back to work and I am insecure. I always worry (because he ended it with me once before and also ended a six year relationship before me easily) that it might happen again. It’s terrible to live in fear. I have more invested in this now, and would probably be devastated if he did end it. He doesn’t know what I’m going through when we’re not together. Technically this relationship didn’t start in March, but June when we resumed. It just started, but I feel so connected physically and mentally, and it’s driving me crazy! How can I get to a place where this doesn’t immobilize me? I’m so afraid of losing the happiness and peace I feel when we are together. I would appreciate any advice. Thank you. Nancy

Hey Nancy.

You’re not at peace.

Your man’s job is to take down his profile, call you every day, integrate himself into your daily life and bill himself as your boyfriend.

You’re not happy.

You’re going crazy.

And you’re asking ME how to enable you to continue this pattern?

Sorry, you’ve got the wrong guy.

You must have mistaken me for someone who wants women to have unhealthy relationships with emotionally unavailable men.

You must have confused me with a man who thinks that men should be in control and that women should just put up with all nonsense.

You must have misremembered some blog post where you thought I said that the ideal relationship is one where you’re walking on eggshells, anxious about the present, insecure with the future, and consistently questioning your man’s integrity.

Any readers ever feel what Nancy’s feeling?

Any readers have a POSITIVE tale about how their panic-inducing relationship has lasted for thirty years?

If so, let me know in the comments section that you’re the exception.

But the rule, Nancy, is this:

Your man’s job is to make you feel safe.

Your man’s job is not simply to be smart and sexy and appealing, but to be consistent and kind.

Your man’s job is to take down his profile, call you every day, integrate himself into your daily life and bill himself as your boyfriend.

And if you’ve been with a guy for over 6-8 weeks and you still have questions about whether he’s your boyfriend, guess what?

You’re in a toxic, one-sided relationship that benefits him and is going to crush you in the long run.

Here’s a brief video clip from a speech I gave to a group of singles with the 8 Things that Your Boyfriend Must Do To Be Your Boyfriend:

Therefore, your question, Nancy, shouldn’t be “What do I do to calm down?”

Rather, it should be, “Why would I feel nervous or insecure around this man?”

Chances are, it’s because he’s not doing most of what’s in the above video.

And if he’s not giving you those 8 things, the only course of action is to walk away because you’re not getting your emotional needs met.

If, of course, you choose to stick with him — as most women would – you’re pretty much just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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  1. 61
    Bunny Olesen

    Funny how the one time I got a man on the hook, was the time I didn’t want a boyfriend (and already had one – hey give me a break, this was like 27 years ago).    I ran into an old friend of mine, very cute, sweet and cool. We ended up spending the night and got up, had a nice breakfast & watched cartoons.   Very fun, very laid back.   Every once in awhile I would run into him, and we’d hook up and have a lot of fun. Maybe I’d call him or he’d call me, infrequently.   In between I didn’t really think about him.

    So then he called, and he was a little out of breath.   I said ‘Hey, what’s going on?’   he then told me he had been out of town for a week, and had just returned (and I mean like apparently minutes before, he was still out of breath from unpacking the car) and I thought ‘that’s weird, why would he call ME immediately upon getting back from out of town?’   followed by OH NO !!   He is thinking of more than there is.   

    A man who was my boyfriend, and who had me waiting by the phone, etc., and would barely ever see me except on weekends, turned his act around when he tried to call me and I wasn’t sitting at home (like he expected, I guess).   He had dropped me off at home, but when I called later to tell him something, he wasn’t there.   So I thought, you know, forget this…I’m not doing this anymore.   And I went out.    He totally freaked out.   I said ‘OH did you think I was just sitting around waiting for you’ (which I had been, but, you know)   After that he wanted to see me almost every night   LMAO !!     

    Took me a long time to realize, almost the less interested you seem, or the more you have going on in your life, the more interested they become.   Plus if they disappear, you don’t care as much.  

  2. 62

    He’s a gemini, isn’t he?

  3. 63

    I don’t think it was here, but I believe it was on another similar topic thread where someone mentioned “intermittent reinforcement”.   It will turn your mind into a bag of cats.   You have to cut that thing off, kill it, and don’t look back.   Assuming, that is, that the guy really is a jerk.   

  4. 64
    Gawain Letheby

    Would you believe it but this is exactly the scenario I put up with for seven months until two weeks ago she suddenly pulled the plug without warning (yes, the roles are reversed as I was the one walking on eggshells and losing so much weight through stressing about where she was and who she was with. I found that she’d kept her online dating profile active throughout our entire relationship. We had agreed to delete them early on). But the feelings and sentiments are the same, irrespective of gender. We suffer and I refuse to go through that ever again. The only good point: I lost four kg in seven months.

  5. 65

    I had a stroke at 27 due to the exact same circumstances. He didnt even come to the hodpital. Wed lived together for 3 yrs by this point. GET OUT NOW. I promise you. There is NO good ending here. I put my money on it. Good luck. Xxxx

  6. 66

    I say…because we live in a society with more women than men for population. Men have the field, but very fragile when truthfully in love. Do have to remind that us females still provide the power. Don’t give people excuses in what you need in your relationship and don’t let differences get in your direction. It is a jungle out there!

  7. 67

    I’m trying to deal with my anxiety right now because my boyfriend does all of the things that Evan says he should do in the video, but I’m still scared he’s going to one day just dissipate like fog. I’m doing my best to deal with it.

    In my former relationship I was married to a man who did all of the eight things that Evan talks about in the video.   He was so proud of me, and immediately introduce me to all of his family. he made his intentions clear that he wanted to marry me. I was hesitant, and he kept asking me over and over again. After a few months almost a year, I finally said yes.   We went on an out-of-state trip where he met my family members and they all adored him. He got along so well with my brothers and even played golf with them. Then one day barely a few months after our wedding, he decided he didn’t want to be married anymore. This was after we had purchased a home together, each putting down $7,000. Mine had been hard-earned, but his was a gift from his parents. He started doing crazy things like secretly buying a boat that he kept hidden at his father’s house in the neighboring county.   He had taken cash out of my savings account for the purchase–cash that I had in reserve to pay for my Law School tuition.    He had a cell phone that I didn’t know about, and when I went to retrieve our son’s insurance card out of his glove box I found a list of phone numbers. There were four different girls that he called every night, and some of them he was sleeping with.   I am not exaggerating when I said that I was stunningly beautiful, and he left me standing in the foyer on our first Valentine’s Day, me in a beautiful negligee I had bought especially for that night.   He said he had to go meet his friends at the club.   Not long after that he forged my name to release him from the house so that he could buy a double wide mobile home. They broke it in half moving it and so they cancelled the deal and he begged for me to take him back. He broke my heart in so many ways, after he seemed so perfect before we got married.

    we met up about ten years later for dinner. He told me I was still as beautiful as I always was. He had remarried and then divorced another lady who was plastic-looking with breast implants, a nose job, all kinds of cosmetic surgery to go with her bleached platinum blonde hair. He told me that I had done absolutely nothing wrong in our marriage. To this day I’m still confused as to what happened.

  8. 68

    I’m in a fantastic relationship right now, and I have anxiety because of what was done to me in the past. My new boyfriend does all of the eight things, however experience has shown me that it is no guarantee.

    My ex-husband did all of the eight things that Evan says in the video, and that’s no guarantee things are going to work out perfectly. I suppose the best way to put it is if they don’t do the eight things in Evan’s video then it’s going nowhere. If they do the eight things in the video it’s no guarantee that it’s going to work out.

    Ten years after our divorce, my ex and I met up for a steak dinner. He said I was as beautiful as always in the face, but that my body was not in as perfect shape as it used to be. I commented that I had a desk job now, but politely kept my mouth shut about his body no longer being like a fitness model, either. He told me I had been a perfect wife to him, and was very supportive to him while he was out of work, seeking to advance his education, and all the other bumps that life brought. I still don’t know why he wanted out of the marriage. Things seemed perfect. He begged me to marry him, and for six months I said no until I finally agreed. We each put $7,000 down on a house, with mine being hard-earned but his being a gift from his parents. If I knew what had happened to make our marriage fail I might not have so much anxiety in my current relationship. I guess the best I can do is just try to deal with the anxiety and enjoy my wonderful boyfriend.





  9. 69

    Brilliant video, Evan. It makes it all so plain.

    Having been single for quite some time, I can say I’m far happier than when I was with my non-committal boyfriend. Interestingly, I’ve attracted some great male friends into my life. I’m enjoying their energy.

    Continuing to raise my self-esteem by giving to me, and investing in me.

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