Is There Any Point in Dating an Alpha Male?

Hi Evan, This is a curiosity more than a dating advice question. I’ve read several of your posts that suggest that charismatic alpha males do not make good partners. I also read on a hilariously titled article (in response to the Anthony Weiner scandal), “Should Women Go Ugly?” again, suggesting that women should steer clear of handsome alpha types who are quite likely to ultimately let them down. So my question is, what happens to all these alpha guys? Do they marry? Will they remain single forever? If the conventional wisdom is for women to avoid relationships with them, is it in their (the alpha guys) best interest to skip the so-called American dream, avoid marriage and children and just bounce from one short-term relationship to another? Or is it possible for such an alpha guy to create a meaningful long-term relationship? And if so, what type of woman would be able to create a happy life with a man like this? Based on your advice and that of others I’ve read, it seems that no woman should attempt to deal with these guys. –Sara


Right before I got married, I turned for advice to Dr. Pat Allen, therapist, Los Angeles legend, and author of “Getting to I Do”.

Pat is probably 75 years old and delightfully curmudgeonly. She lives in a very black and white world and has a bunch of catchy aphorisms that she trots out when she sees common dating dynamics – especially for women with an excess of masculine energy. I turned to her because we’d met on a panel once before and because I respected her experience and wisdom.

I told her that I wasn’t sure that I felt what I was supposed to feel for the woman who I was considering proposing to. I didn’t have that obsessive, breathless, “I must have you” sentiment. I didn’t miss her madly when she went on a business trip. I was just plain happy – in a healthy, fun, nurturing, supportive relationship that had no obvious flaws apart from what was buzzing through my head: “I don’t have the FEELING I think I should have!”

My thoughts on alpha males is that while they may remain the most attractive candidates out there, as a rule, they tend to be bad long-term relationship bets.

Pat asked me: “Are you a career man or a man with a career?” (This is one of those aphorisms.) I told her that my career was not just a job, but kind of a calling. Thus, she determined that I was a career man. She told me that, as a career man, since my job would come first, I could get married and be perfectly content, but I’d always be longing for more. She finally concluded that, based on my profile, I would probably cheat on my wife a few times.

And that was our session.

Yes, Dr. Allen’s contention, essentially, was that if you’re an alpha male, your natural tendency is to put your needs first, to conquer, to dominate, to spread your seed, and to hope to not break too many hearts along the way. In this regard, she’s somewhat correct.

And in this regard, I realized, I’m not a pure alpha male.

It’s more important to me to be a good husband and father than it is to pursue my selfish interests at all costs. If anything, I have a fierce ethical streak (which surfaces here from time to time) which is stronger than my thirst for money or new women. I would not suppose that everyone is similarly driven by doing the right thing. After all, having character involves tradeoffs, and alpha males most certainly don’t want limits put on their freedoms.

So, to bring this back to you, Sara, my thoughts on alpha males is that while they may remain the most attractive candidates out there, as a rule, they tend to be bad long-term relationship bets. I would guess that most women who’ve gone for them would concur with this observation. Alphas needs come first. Their schedule comes first. They may try to spend money on you but it doesn’t compensate for their lack of attention, affection and understanding. They rarely make you feel safe and secure. But you hold on because he’s such an intoxicating catch. Make no mistake, he RELIES on his charms to allow you put up with all his bullshit.

As always, when we’re talking about alpha males, we’re talking about a sliding scale. I may have the drive and temperament and ego of an alpha, but I don’t indulge it at all costs. I stop work at 6. I don’t work on weekends or take clients on Fridays. I apologize frequently. If my wife ever needs me to sacrifice for the family, the answer is yes. That’s where my value system lies.

If you’re going to go for such a guy, the thing to look out for is what his long-term values are. Does he WANT to be a good husband and father? Does he SACRIFICE his needs for yours? Does he put YOU first or does he always have to win? There ARE alpha males who do that, but there are more who do not.

From what I’ve seen as a dating coach, most women are willing to take the risk – but very few actually get the long-term reward.

So it’s not that it’s impossible to find one of these guys who wants to settle down with you – it’s that alpha males are inherently high risk/high reward.

And, from what I’ve seen as a dating coach, most women are willing to take the risk – but very few actually get the long-term reward.

As for what type of woman you have to be to get this guy, in general, I’d say someone who is supportive of him. Someone who is cool with his hours. Someone who doesn’t nag him all the time about his job. Someone who can listen to him and provide a fun change of pace when he finally clears space to be 100% present. This is really what my book Why He Disappeared is all about – being in your feminine energy – open, positive, receptive, nurturing.

Still, being the ideal woman for an alpha male isn’t always enough – not if the alpha male doesn’t have a strong moral code and doesn’t fundamentally value monogamy as much as he values conquering new women and new businesses.

SOMEONE gets the alpha male to marry her, all right, but I can assure that she is not always happy with what she gets.

Caveat emptor.

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  1. 91

    Everyone seems to be missing an important point. Alpha males are NOT achievers in their careers or business. Beta males are achievers in their careers and entrepreneurs. That is how the stereotype of founders of startup firms never having female company came about to be.

  2. 92

    An alpha man has mastered his masculine and feminine energies allowing them to work synergistically in their daily lives. He knows how to balance his home and intimate life.

  3. 93
    Sarah P.

    Hello All of You Lovely Ladies,
    (And I sincerely mean this because every woman out there has her own brand of loveliness).  I wanted to chime in to this conversation as a woman who has been married to an “Alpha Male” for 12 years now. A lot of women come to me for advice and ask how I was able to marry someone like my husband. Is it that I am 5 foot 10 and thin with blond hair and blue eyes? No. Do I have a powered career? Used to before our second child was born. Did I make a lot of money? Yes, but before our second child was born and I gave up said career. 

    Here is what I have to say in terms of reflecting on my own situation with an alpha male. My husband is a physician and we met during his last year of residency. By that time I had been working in management in information technology for several years. I also had a masters degree and was well-traveled. He and I met when we were both 29. I think marrying him had more to do with my own perspective and who I was and the fact that I was comfortable in my own skin and did not allow a man to dictate my life or my happiness. When I graduated from high school I knew that I would probably want to marry in my early 30s. I also knew that I wanted a graduate degree and a fulfilling career and that I wanted to travel the world and experience life. Looking back I was the type that broke many male hearts during my 20s. And it wasn’t because I was super gorgeous or anything like that. I was comfortable with in my own skin, I knew what I wanted, and I was intent on becoming a successful, well rounded person. By the time I met my husband I was looking for marriage and I stated earlier upfront what it was I was looking for and who I was looking for. I didn’t worry about turning him off for playing a game because once again I was comfortable in my own skin and I knew my own value. Even though other women fawned all over him I refused to. I had my own money and I was happy at work and I was looking for a certain set of qualities. In essence, I was looking for my own match. But I also had a lot to bring to the table and that I had never been promiscuous, I knew how to cook gourmet meals, I looked after my parents and worked out every day, I had a lot of hobbies that included traveling, reading all kinds of different books, going to the theater or the opera, or on the opposite end rock climbing, some weightlifting, and also volunteer work with animal advocacy groups and children’s advocacy groups. First and foremost I saw that I had value to bring to a relationship. When I dated my husband, I was really spending a lot of time evaluating him and I did not give into his physical advances. In fact, looking back, I believe this was one of the things that really made him interested. For better or for worse, men don’t like it when a woman has had too many lovers. I had made a point to not sleep with very many men at all. It was not because I was conservative but because I see my own body as sacred and special and I’m not going to share it with very many people and so I did not. No was I attractive, that is physically speaking? Well he seemed to think that I was his type. I am about 5 foot six and have porcelain skin, hazel green eyes, and long curly Auburn hair and a natural hourglass figure without having had surgery. 

    I think it was a good match and that’s why we married. He was actually looking for someone who knew how to be a traditional woman and you knew how to cook and who wanted children. I fit the bill. But he also considered me and intellectually and he still says I am his intellectual superior.

    Now being married to a doctor is not easy. I tell you that each week there is a new nurse or medical assistant who is trying to flirt with him. For a long time I will admit that I was very irritated by that. But I came back to realize that once again I have inherent value. I have also not allowed myself to get lazy. Currently I run a freelance business from home, I take care of her two sons, I publish books, and I do what is necessary to more or less keep a prepregnancy figure. That involves a lot of working out and not eating whatever I want. But most of all I remain interested in life and my own hobbies. But aside from all that, my husband considers me to be his best friend since we have a lot in common in terms of both moral values, goals in life, and even hobbies and interests. 

    I know full well that one day I could be traded in for a new model as they say. But I realize I cannot control the things that other people do and I can only control what I do. I am the type who will be on a constant path toward self mastery and trying to achieve excellence in whatever I do. Still, my family is the most important thing in my life and creating a nice household with lots of good food and lots of nurturing and understanding and love is the most important thing to me. 

    From time to time women ask me how I married a doctor, as if it’s some kind of prize. And what I say is it is simply a case of matching. I was just as successful as he was, but we also deeply understood each other on a personality level and we had complementary qualities as well. I never played games with him and I was always warm and nurturing while setting boundaries and not taking any kind of behavior that I felt was a violation of my boundaries.

    So, marrying an alpha can absolutely be done but it truly is a game of matching. You need to be more or less equal to him in one way or another. Doesn’t mean you have to have a high-powered career. But you should probably pursue Life as passionately lady as he does and be able to bring a lot to the table even if it’s not monetary. Most of all don’t ever give up a part of yourself for an alpha male just to please him because it doesn’t work. This is especially true when it comes to sexuality. Make a man earn your affections. 

  4. 94

    I’m an alpha male, I’ll admit it. I’ll tell you why many of us are like this but mos are beta males because most guys like acting like women or dont have any confidence to meet women so they have oneities for one girl. We refuse to bow down and cater to woman. I won’t ask my girlfriends permission to buy sunglasses or a shirt, I won’t make her “the best thing in my life” which means if she leaves me or the relationship fails, I’m lost in life and everything else takes a backseat, I won’t let her control me. Many woman like beta males because they can control them. Someone wrote “I want him to put me first”. Why? Why can’t he put you equal to everything else in your life,. Would you like it if he told you that he has to come first…above job, family, friends, life…he has to be the center all the time? No. It’s taking away freedom. Some woman know the beta males will put the woman first, chase after her, provider for her scared to death she’ll leave him, and let her make all the decisions even deciding where to go for diner, and the men will just follow along. Even if to a lesser degree put her on a pedestal. I had a close friend who was a beta male provider, “she comes first, I jump when she calls, she’s the love of my life.” He got walked all over and than dumped by her and he was so needy to her he needed constant assurance she won’t leave him because he had such a hard time meeting other woman and she knew this. Most guys lack the confidence to meet woman so the first girl they meet, they go with, and she knows this and uses it against him. “Leave me, but wont find anyone better”. Some guys can’t even get the nerve to talk to woman. Woman know alpha males have options and won’t put up with their crap. Women come to them, they don’t care if they’re single because they have a life, or they’ll use means to get the woman they want making it clear if she gets snobby, controlling, possessive, or tries to hold back his freedom (go to work, have friends, that stuff) he’ll walk away. Just like woman walk away from needy, clingy, obsessive, and controlling guys. A guy should never cheat on his girlfriend or wife…but if the girlfriend knows he has options, she wont be so “I have this guy by my finger…you better apologize for saying no to me last week even though I was wrong or else no sex for two weeks and maybe then I’ll still leave you,” Women…do you want a guy that is a leader, and will tell you  you’re wrong when you’re wrong, make his own decisions, and let you be a woman? Or do you want a guy that caters to you as your “yes boy”, lets you make all the decisions, never leads, is needy and clingy to you because he knows he doesn’t have the skills to meet other woman? Think about it. If you find an alpha male that is only open to monogramy relationships…you have it made. He’ll want to try things that the beta male won’t try. You wont have to act like the man because he’s to busy acting like a female. He wont follow the normal. I had woman leave me for beta males saying they wanted to settle down and get married…but after a few years of him working, putting her first to the point he can’t make a decision in life, and not wanting to do anything but manage a house, take care of the kids all day, and maybe go out of town once a year for vacation, they realize what a waste of life it is for them. Don’t settle for  boring beta man providers that will apologize for their own shadow and seek everyones approval, that will buy you everything, act like a girl himself, and run after you like you’re his lifeline to live.

    1. 94.1
      Not Jerry

      Chris is mostly right, and everyone should re-read his post.

      I only wish he had used paragraphs.

      I am an Alpha male, I was married over 30 years, and I never slept around, and I never would.  Not every Alpha male is a philanderer, but what you are talking about is Alpha males do have options that other men might not have.  Believe me, it doesn’t take much to get offers, if you are, well, I call it being dynamic.  That said, a loyal man doesn’t sleep around, even if he gets offers all the time.  I sure never slept around.

      Being an Alpha male just means being confident, being dynamic, being self sufficient.  Being a leader.

      Evan’s post about a woman has to be prepared to be led is exactly right.  That is the cost of being with an Alpha male.  With the right man, I am sure it can be very rewarding.  Or a lot of you girls seem to think so.  I’m not sure I get that.

      There are many Alpha males who are *a$$holes*.  Yeah, of course there are, but there are those in every walk of life.  That  may be well represented in Alpha males, but you can find those all over.  “Everyone has one.”

      What Chris said about “we won’t take your crap” is right too.

      I insist a woman let her guard down.
      You have to put yourself out there, and that may mean being a little vulnerable if you want to be with me.
      If you are not willing to do that we  have nowhere to go in our future, and it’s time to move on, because I’m looking for permanent.  You have to be prepared for that.  I am not dating around and trying to trade up.  It’s just how it is for me.

      You must become so important to me and to my life so I can’t replace you.  If you fail at that, a breakup is probably imminent.  You cannot neglect an Alpha male, or you will become unnecessary.  And you will not be able to become so important to some Alphas, because they might not be looking for that, or  they might not be aware of what they are looking for.  That’s the problems I read complaints about from women here, they didn’t like the breakup, and this is often the solution.

      How relationships are is this, especially for those of us who are older, or who have been alone a while.

      You have to give things up. A new relationship is often characterized by that: what you are willing to give up? It’s interesting how many don’t get this.

      When you are alone you have ultimate freedom, you can do whatever you want.  When you have an S.O. and maybe a family, there are definitely limitations on those freedoms.  You have to check with your counterpart if you want to make plans for next weekend.  You have to share, you have to negotiate, you have to consider someone else’s needs and wishes.  Marriage, family, and relationships are all like that.  If you get past just plain dating.

      You have to be available for a relationship, if your time is filled with your routine what person is going to fit in that life?  That could be career, hobbies, friends, family, church, anything that fills your time.  You may have to give something up to put a whole new person in there.

      The mentions of Alpha males taking a two year assignment in another country, that is an example of that, you are just not his priority. You have failed to make yourself important enough to his life that he wouldn’t consider taking that gig!  You as a woman have to become irreplaceable.  I as a man have the same goal, I want the idea that I am no longer necessary in your life to be incomprehensible.  You should not be able to get rid of me, if I have done my part correctly, and you have to do the saem.

      This is why when you meet someone in their 40s or 50s that have never been married there is often a reason for that, they won’t give anything up.  They never had to learn to share, to negotiate, to take someone else into account.  They just want what they want.

      This is how an unmarried, single Alpha male can be, I am sure. And for many that can be a danger zone. They are untamed.

      Evan, I wish these posts and comments all had dates.

  5. 95

    Alpha has nothing to do with looks or mass.

    1. 95.1
      Karmic Equation

      Untrue. The alpha type we’re talking about here are attractive.
      Sure there are ugly alphas. But women aren’t lining up to date them. The good looking alphas? Yeah, the line goes around the block.

      1. 95.1.1


        There are alphas who are physically unattractive. The ones with power and money.

  6. 96

    Hello, all, I’m not sure how old this post is, but just found it and wanted to join in on the conversations.  I’m still reeling from the loss of a relationship with an alpha male, and am still trying to understand what happened and welcome your input, but can also say what I’ve learned so far…

    I dated and fell in love with an extreme alpha male in the military, with highly specialized skills and experience in war.  He is everything “Steve” I believe, had said, and he was also physically strong, extremely and naturally athletic, and mentally strong.  You know, the type that would walk right out of the hospital after being blown up or falling out of a plane, (seriously, he did).  Even large dogs were afraid of his presence (seriously, I saw it), and he enjoyed exercising his alpha-ness.

    He also was hard working and had provided a lot for his family, and much was on his shoulders.  For the alpha male, this is what he does and is the one with the strength to do it.  This is how he had seen himself.  He lead and took care of his young wife well, until she finally left him after so many years for reasons he never understood.

    Our courting was beautiful.  His heart was open and he loved talking to me all night.  He said things that showed me he wanted to protect me and provide for me.  He wanted to know if I’d be willing to have children with him, said he wanted his next relationship to be his last and remaining one, and if I could be happy going anywhere the military takes him.  I began to open my heart to finally being cared for as a woman, inviting him to be the man in our relationship.. I fell in love and gave an enthusiasitic “yes” to everything he was asking me to consider.  Our lovemaking was passionate, I felt amazing to him, and he could not keep his hands off me.  And he had only been with 2 other women in his life, so no, he does not fit the player profile.  This alpha wanted to believe he was a strong man of moral character.  And I don’t think I’d ever been more attracted to a man and fell in love harder than I have with him.  I still love him deeply.

    Well as soon as I said “yes” to him, everything went down hill from there.  I think a lot of things were at play, the military was overworking him on a detail that was not fully his passion, and the one and only emotion this type of alpha allows himself to feel is ANGER.  The more I asked for communication on what was happening, the more I lost him and he pushed me away in anger.  Till this day.  He never fully communicated with me ever again, and has now completely cut me off and closed his heart, accusing me of being too needy and insecure, which he accused his ex wife of.

    What I came to understand of these extreme/military alpha males, is that they can also be very weak spiritually, and immature emotionally, and have suppressed all feelings, except their rage and anger, which comes exploding out, and is built up by other feelings and emotions that they don’t know how to understand or deal with, and have built up so many walls, that they’re not even sure how they feel or why they’re so angry.  And sadly, I’ve dated many warriors (I’m military myself), and this is the exact pattern of what’s always happened, over and over again.

    And they push me away, because they don’t know how to relate, how to communicate, or even make it a priority to even try, because their alpha male persona in the end, cannot and will not need anyone or anything – and I should not have needed them either.  Confusing, right?  You’d think the alpha male wanted to be needed.  But not these ones.  Having a strong mind, body, ego, and persona are not at all the same as being strong at heart, especially when it comes to women.  My sensitive vulnerability was just too much for them, and infringed upon this mask of a wall they’ve created their whole life, and to love me, would cause them to have to tear down the whole facade.

    So, yes, in a way, I’m saying the extreme military alpha male persona is in a way a mask, a facade of protection of oneself.  This doesn’t mean these guys aren’t amazing with their weapons or on a mission – they are and I have been with some of the best.  But they are truly afraid of a woman’s emotions, as well as their own, and cannot deal with it, because it is not at all seen as strength to them – strength in themselves or even as strength in a woman.

    The one I’ve loved, while in one of our last intense discussions, which really were fights since he can no longer talk to me without anger but is the only time I can get him to communicate and actually hear his heart, he admitted wanting to be accepted for once (though he’s practically worshipped for his skills w/in the military), and wanting for others to stop “needing” from him, and resented me for his own sense of my needs, and not feeling like he can come through or that he’d even want to anymore (the last part is my interpretation).  And suddenly he went from wanting to build a future together and be a blessing on my life to no longer being able to feel it in his heart anymore.

    Yes, I do believe and regret the “hunter” in him was too quenched when I said yes “too easily” and I often wonder if I should not have been physically intimate with him, so I do think there is also a lot of psychology at play here that I needed to learn about primal masculinity, if I may call it that.

    But what I really found that – even though he is NOT going to allow himself, or allow me in his heart – the strong military alpha male – deep within walls and walls of protection around his heart, is actually very human and wishes he could be loved for who he is, not just what he does for others, and does tire from being superman, and comes to resent it.  Problem is, he won’t fully admit it, he can’t admit it, and will go the rest of his life with this to keep this “identity” of how he and the rest of the world see him.  Ever notice how many honored warriors are never smiling, even in happy, social experiences?  And/or why they always want to be, or retire away from people?  Well I can’t speak for all except the many I know, but have found that some are either miserable, or have settled into somewhat of a contented discontent or indifference.  And the one I love admitted to being miserable, though has his dream miltary career – yet he doesn’t have the love the truest part of him craves yet he doesn’t know how to get it and refuses to learn, and goes on with the next woman.  Same with another I had dated in the past that comes back every couple years to say he wished he could’ve been the man I needed, then pushes me away again… and always does it in a very cruel and cold-hearted way – they all do.

    So if there are any extreme/military/warrior alpha males out there reading this, I encourage you to give the girl a chance that hasn’t given up on her love for you.  But to love her and receive love, you need to break down those walls to your heart, even if it means revealing a scared little boy inside just waiting for God to love him and show him the man he was born to be.  There are women out here that will love you fully – boy and man – strengths, weaknesses, and all.

    1. 96.1
      Karmic Equation



      What you say may be true of your military male as I don’t have experience dating them. But eliminate the “military” part and I have a lot of experience.

      When a man says, “I don’t want to talk about it”, believe him and leave him alone. Don’t pry. Don’t cajole. Don’t feel that you’re not supporting him unless you get him to open up. Just say “Ok” and let the matter drop. That alone will do wonders for your relationship.

      Talking about what’s bothering them doesn’t help him. That “venting” we do unburdens us. When men are “forced” to communicate with us about their problems by our insistence, it makes them feel helpless. As if speaking about their problems and having no answers makes them weaker. Whereas for us women talking about it until we’re all talked out is cathartic.

      Believe it or not, your respecting his need for silence and solitude to ponder his problems, will make him love you more, not less. It’s often the opposite for us women. But men are from mars. Classic difference between the sexes.

      1. 96.1.1

        Thanks so much, Karmic Equation!  I appreciate your posts here!

        May I ask you, in your experience, will the alpha male eventually share?   Or will it go years and years without communication if we don’t ask for it?

        Do you continue to love the alpha male, even if your emotional needs are not being met?  Or is part of allowing him to his silence, to also walk away from the relationship?

        1. Not Jerry

          My advice?
          Give him a little time. And don’t give up on him.
          Your story was beautiful, and I hope you can get him to reconcile when he is able.

          It may take a while, because of his work. But I believe he feels a loss as much as you do. So have faith.

        2. Karmic Equation

          If you need an expressive/communicative man, you need to date one not try change a man who isn’t that to become that. It doesn’t work.

          Think about it this way. You are an talkative and expressive person. A man who loves you is quiet and likes silence. How long should he wait for you to become a less talkative and expressive person? Suppose he tells you gently every day, that he treasures spending time with you, but only wants you to talk when he feels like listening.

          Will you eventually change to become less talkative? Or will you eventually resent having changed your nature to suit him?

          Just because we women like a communicative guy and think open communications are healthy, doesn’t mean that men will get on board that train.

          If your needs aren’t being met, then it’s better to walk. Love is not enough. There has to be compatibility, too.

          Best of luck to you.

  7. 97

    The women seem to look at it as a business. How long will this donkey pull my cart, and how much money can I get when I sell him?
    Why would some intelligent guy marry you? What do you offer?
    I mean really, what do you offer? You seem unaware of how little you have for an intelligent successful man. Good luck, there are still some putz out there who don’t know any better.

  8. 98

    Hello boys and girls, after reading all of this and being myself an alpha/super alpha, i have to say a few  things:

    First of all alpha males drive this world for the good or bad period.

    Alpha males are very goal, life oriented, and not everyone can handle their nature, period.

    True alpha/Super males are not selfish, they do care but only for those who deserve it, anyone doing otherwise, it is no an alpha, but a alpha wanna be.

    Now lets start here something: have you wondered that are somes man that do not like to get mistreated by womem? could be that some of those alpha haters did something to deserve that? think better on your own actions.

    Man cheats because some womens uses sex as a weapon, and trust me, i know exactly what i am saying 😀

    Nothing against beta, but natural evolution explains quite well how it works 🙂

  9. 99

    Stumbled upon this page while pondering the world and being a knowledge junkie. The overall responses on this thread are organized, thoughtful, diverse and well-written. I am  compelled to agree with Soul Sister and simply state that an Alpha Male or Female is essentially the leader of the pack. They just are. In an organized group dynamic they will instinctively take the lead. They are confident, compassionate, ethical, composed and driven. They are highly skilled communicators. They are intelligent, resourceful and optimistic. These skills make them natural leaders. You cannot judge an alpha by their career, income or status. You can spot the alpha male by his strong, effortless and humble prescence. His demeanor whether reserved or aggressive given a variety of circumstances is noticeable. His dominance is recognized and respected by both men and women in his presence.

  10. 100

    Evan you area bang on!!! I have a battle with myself. I am attracted to the alpha male and it has gotten me nowhere. I have been told i’m an alpha female .The past relationships i have had and one for 12yrs; was always butting heads, arguing and always banging my head against the wall. Alpha males, are selfish, all about themselves. They don’t bend and if they do, its temporary. They are fun, the life of the party. Personally, i find them the jekyl and hyde. My ex was a narcissist. I am wondering if there a direct relationship with the two? the Alpha male who is narcissist? I can tell you, these relationships don’t end well. If you happen to marry one, they will make your life a living hell. I will try and find a beta man, eventhough, i am not attracted’or better yet.. I guess i will stay single.

  11. 101

    I have been married to an alpha male for ten years and we have three young children.  Overall we are happy and he is still the man of my dreams.  He is extremely handsome, masculine, hardworking, loyal, and a loving father. That being said there are definitely challenges to being married to an alpha but I’m willing to handle them.  For example, it takes a lot of confidence because women LOVE my husband and try to flirt with him constantly.  I am however very attractive myself and make sure to take care of myself which helps me feel less jealous, plus my husband is so honest with me (brutally so sometimes) but he’s never given me any indication that he would actually cheat.  My husband can be a workaholic which can be very hard on me but he doesn’t allow me to control or dictate how much time he spends with us vs working.  He is a great provider and does is best to support us.  He can be extremely headstrong and sometimes he acts like a jerk but part of me respects him more for not allowing myself to push him around.  I find that a lot of women I know tell me to “stand up to him” and that advice just doesn’t work because it just pushes him away.  Just so you know, he has never been abusive or anything, but he’s naturally just much more of a dominant person than I am.  Overall, even with its challenges, I don’t think I’d want it any other way.  I find that when I tell him my needs in the most direct and non-nagging way, he does his best to make me happy.  He also has a high sex drive and keeping him happy that way really helps.  I find that I feel more safe and protected giving him more power

  12. 102

    I also want to add that if you’re an alpha female, then no, dating an alpha male is  not worth it.  But I think many women would be more happy accepting a more feminine role and not having to make all the decisions and have all the responsibilities.  Also I think that some people are talking about more extreme men than normal desirable alpha males.  Some men are abusive but I wouldn’t call them alpha males.  I am actually surprised by how many couples I know in my area where the wife wears the pants because I feel like so many of the male vs female differences are innate.  Even my nine month old son acts very different from my daughters and I find it fascinating and a normal healthy thing.  He’s just more active, less needy, determined to reach the next developmental milestone, and just wants to play.  There’s a reason alpha males are so attractive to women.  If I wanted a woman I’d be a lesbian but I’m not, I want a real man who’s not afraid to be the man in our relationship.

  13. 103

    I agree with everything you say, Michelle, about the benefits of marrying an alpha male. your husband sounds a lot like my fiance. The only exception I take with your comments is that you said:

    “I also want to add that if you’re an alpha female, then no, dating an alpha male is not worth it.” 

    You described your husband as “naturally just much more of a dominant person” than you are” However, as a dominate alpha female myself, I want to give hope to alpha females who want a relationship with an alpha male: 

    Although you may not consider yourself to be “naturally” a submisse person, the fact is we all have both dominate or masculine potential as well as submissive or feminine ones. Because I really wanted a kindhearted but clearly dominate alpha male, I learned to adapt to his personality and nurture my submissive potential, which I rarely did in the past. By doing this, I get to enjoy all the benefits of feeling safe and protected by my fiance and not having to always do the heavy lifting in our relationship.

    By doing this, never a day goes by without my fiance telling me how much he loves and appreciates the way I “take care” of him. Meanwhile, he makes me love him more and more each day by taking good care of me. Our relationship is by far, the best I’ve ever had and he says the same about it as far as he’s concerned.

    I just wanted to let other alpha woman to know that all is not lost if you want a strong, confident and protective alpha man. As Evan has said, the key to having a relationship with a man like that is to bring out of yourself the innate qualities you possess to attract such a man. If I could do it, anyone can. Like you said, Michelle, the benefits of this approach are well worth the effort if your desire is to be with an alpha male.

  14. 104

    I think an Alpha Male would have a pretty successful marriage life esp if that is what he values. I cant imagine an alpha being able to cope socially and workwise by not having an amazing woman by his side. But it would be hard for the women the alpha may try to have affairs with when he gets confused. That happened to me unfortunately. I got to taste what it’s like to have an alpha pursue me. It felt so good. Unfortunately at the end of pursuing I found out he had a gf he was going to leave but then they sorted out their issues. He valued relationships and commitment which is great, but I got stuck in the middle. Yuck. What a shame. But as far as what kinds of women they want, I think it all depends on their needs eg beauty, nurturing woman, motherly, sweet, secure with emotions, faithful etc. These are the qualities the alpha I knew liked about me, but his partners’ goals and career and social status were more in line with where he was headed. But boy did it feel good to be with him. One thing I did notice about this alpha was his difficulty in processing his emotions around me. He loved how comfortable I made him feel so he was sort of hanging around to boost his ego.

  15. 105

    i appreciate evan’s attempts, but a lot of men are wising up to how many women spend all their years chasing these alphas, only to give up and look to settle on them as their last option. call it insecurity if you wish, but it’s downright insulting for a woman to think it’s ok to treat men that way.

    1. 105.1

      Kind of like the guys who spend all their years chasing as much ass as they can get and then expect to settle down with a nice virgin. Insulting to think it’s ok to treat women that way, no?

      Except that neither anecdote represents the reality for the majority of us, does it? Spare us the very unoriginal red pill tripe.

  16. 106

    My two cents … An Alpha (person/male) needs a pack. By pack I mean the sum of all activities that make that person happy: partner, job, money, all of it. And lots of action. Alpha is definitely a leader. So it’s not that Alpha is bad, it’s just that Alpha needs more “toys” and entertainment and yes, it can be easily distracted because there are so many interesting things there. And, yes an Alpha can chose where to put their attention. It’s like the captain of the ship.

    A Beta (person) needs a partner and someone who somehow lead them, give them the instruction manual. They would be absolutely brilliant at supporting the enterprise, a bit like the engineer of the ship. They also need a pack (everyone does) but they also need to know what’s their role in the pack and where they sit.

    This is what I think about that definition and why a beta could be happy coming home after a very hard day at work and turn their attention on domestic issues while the alpha still runs the ship even in their sleep.


  17. 107

    Here’s my relationship story with an alpha male.

    He is a true alpha male, never worked for anybody, started his first business when he was still a teenager and , developed a dozen more connected business in the following decades.  He is also an accomplished athlete in several sports and an accomplished artist.  He provides and takes care of his family and employees.  He will find work for his employees and pay them even if he has no contracts happening and no money coming in.    He adopted his ex-girlfriend daughter and takes care of her like his own.   He is overall funny, warm, perceptive, intelligent and extremely responsible.

    Something clicked first time we met, but I didn’t think he would be a good prospect for me, because I knew how much time he spent running his business and how dedicated he already was to his daughter.  I didn’t think he had time for a relationship.

    But he pursued me, invited me on a trip, declared he had feelings for me before we even slept together, and I fell for him.  In the beginning he would tell me that he had not felt that excited about someone in years, that he couldn’t wait to travel the world with me, that he always dreamt of having children, etc…

    Then he started working 80-90 hours a week again.  I would only see him 2 or 3 nights a week after 9pm, when he was too tired for anything other than going to bed, and be gone to work by 4:30am .  He stopped talking about doing things together, I would spend my weekends alone while he worked or took care of his daughter.  On the very occasional date night, we would stay in and watch a movie because that’s all he had energy for.  His needs would come first, he was too exhausted to take care of mine. When I would complain that I felt irrelevant, lonely and his last priority, he would say that he loved me, and wanted me to understand that he did that so he could retire in 5 years.  I tried to get that in my head and wait.  But being lonely and alone  months after months while being in a relationship with someone you love is no fun at all.  The guy was great, and I love him, but I wasn’t happy in that relationship.

    So I left.  Him.  That awesome  boyfriend that I could never have by my side.  I wanted so much to give him love, but he was never there.  I was always missing him,  his presence.  I tried to enter into his life and understand his world, so I could love him better, but I couldn’t fit myself in there.

    I still don’t quite understand how  he  could give me so little attention and encouragement in the relationship,  but seemed so sad and broken when I told  him I had to leave.

  18. 108
    [email protected]

    Don’t expect loyalty from an Alpha. His needs first. You just follow, like the good little puppy dog you are.

  19. 109

    I married a high-powered, charming, top performer narcissist who I initially trusted with my whole heart.  But, after 10 years i found myself divorced while he went off and married a younger version of who he wanted me to be,  and not who I actually was: an ambitious, kind person with both traditional values but still liberal and open-minded.   I thought he was an “alpha male” but really he was just type-A misogynist.

    Shortly thereafter, I met a true alpha male – a CEO/owner of a big law firm.  He was smart, kind, loving, generous and somewhat of a hopeless romantic – a true leader.  He took me on luxurious vacations, paid for everything, flew me everywhere, etc.  After dating over 1 year, however, I ended it, because I couldn’t fully trust him.

    Somehow, I continue to attract this type of man, but it’s probably because I seem like an ultra feminine, reserved, beta female. That IS the type of woman they seek, because it complements his busy schedule and priorities.  For the most part, his own life comes first, even if he is dedicated to family and to his SO, but a woman who wants to be in a relationship with this type of man must understand and accept this. She must also accept that there will always be women around him vying for his attention.  It’s the nature of the game, so she must be secure in herself, and if she isn’t, it will become very challenging.

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