My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want to Have Sex With Me!

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Hi Evan,

What about when a guy DOESN’T want to sleep with you?

I had been dating a guy I met from an online dating site for a little over a month. We were really good together, had a lot in common, had a blast anytime we were together. The second night he stayed over, he asked if we could sleep together. I was hesitant about it, since before that all we had done was kiss. So he apologized for asking and said he wanted me to: “make him wait.” The next time he stayed over, I said I didn’t want to wait anymore (hey, I’m only human!) but he said he still thought we should wait… He said how most of his relationships had been purely physical, and he didn’t want that for us.

He ended up staying over a couple of more nights, but we never slept together.

As much as I would like to believe he wanted to wait because he really liked me, that theory was thrown out the door when a couple of weeks ago he pulled a 180 and quit returning my calls and texts for 3 days. And then TEXTED me finally to say he wasn’t “ready for a relationship.” But that’s a whole other story…

Melissa

I can hear your frustration, Melissa, but I gotta tell you: I LOVE receiving role-reversing letters like this.

Women who complain that men are too clingy, men who get upset when women don’t call them after sex, women who make more money than men.

Next on Jerry Springer: Men who don’t want to have sex.

I’m sorry. This isn’t a silly matter at all. What it instantly brought to mind, actually, was a plot line on HBO’s new series “Tell Me You Love Me”. There’s a married couple on the show that hasn’t had sex in a year. You’re an individual who hasn’t slept with a guy in a month.

Okay, so they’re not that similar.

You didn’t really ask me a question, Melissa, so it’s hard to give an answer. But I will give you my opinion, which, not surprisingly, might challenge yours.

I think the guy did the right thing.

I think you should be thanking him.

I think it would have been a lot worse had he slept with you and stopped returning your calls.

It would have been a lot worse had he slept with you and stopped returning your calls.

Sure, his breakup skills could probably use a bit of polish, but really, this guy acted with total integrity. Unlike every jackass who has ever slept with a woman he had no intention of committing to, this guy refused to do so.

So apart from blowing you off by text message, how has he done anything wrong?

If sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, and NOT sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, what are we supposed to do until we figure out how we feel?

I dated someone last year for two and a half months before we had sex. Why? Because I wasn’t sure that I wanted her to be my girlfriend, and I didn’t want to hurt her by sleeping with her and bailing. I’m not saying guys like me deserve a medal, but wouldn’t you say that there’s something conscientious about waiting?…

I’ve had a couple of people tell me that this is a patronizing attitude.

“I’m a big girl. I can handle having sex without commitment.”

Yes, you can.

Sometimes.

Other times you think you can and are hurt when it doesn’t work out.

So if a guy recognizes that most early relationships DON’T work out and decides to hold off on sex, he’s being SELFISH?

Doesn’t sound like guys can really win here.

If sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, and NOT sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, what are we supposed to do until we figure out how we feel?

My guess, Melissa, is that he did like you, he didn’t want to go too fast and potentially lose respect, and then, after a few more dates, concluded that you weren’t a good fit.

As I said, he could have handled the breakup quite a bit better, but I’m not sure how he could have handled the sex part with any more tact.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    vegemite

    i don’t know what the go is maybe you guys can shed some light onto the suitation… I met a guy through a mate and we hit it off instantly. He was affectionate, caring sent me messages took me to work, I always caught him smiling at me, met his family the whole thing. Then out of the blue he acts cold, I can’t get anythign out of him so i speak to his bestmate (they mate who introduced us to each other) and i find out by him that hes not ready for a relationship and doesn’t wnat to hurt my feelings. So i confront him and even then he doesn’t say much, so i make a decesion and i brake up with him. Afterwards he invites me to all these things and even buys me ice-cream. When i see him a week later as he wanted to make me dinner he acts as if we are still going out. Also when i’m with male friends he gets jelous and makes my mates know that he is there. Within a few weeks after we break up he tells me about these girls he has. (like he on a rebound) I needed to get over him so i toldhim i needed time to get my feelings sorted out and to get over him. Hes best mate and i are still friends and so I see him often. Now they live togethere and i have given myself a few months of getting over him but now he won’t even speak to me and last time i saw him when i went to our mutual mates place he was “sleeping” and the whole time woundn’t speak to me and whenever he knows im somewhere he avoids the place… Any insight as to what on earth went on? Thanx.

  2. 22
    Virgin

    what about in teenagers? i confronted my boyfriend about not trying to initiate sex or respond when i initiate it.
    He said that he wouldnt have sex with me because i rejected him the first time he asked for it, (on the second date). He is a virgin.

    Ive asked him if he wants to be friends and he said no.
    i think for a teenage boy this is really weird and frustrating. Im ready to lose my V’s now (5 months since then), and he won’t because i didnt want it back then, as if ive lost my opportunity.

    is he frigid? and how do i fix it? would viagra actually work?

    1. 22.1
      HowDoesHeKnow

      I see a lot of advice for you below about how he’s being immature.   He probably is, but you probably both are, which is natural, because you’re both teenagers.   You will have more maturity later in life, but anyone who tells you that they are never immature ever at all, regardless of their present age, is not being honest with you or themselves, lol!

      The advice about that may be right, but there is a possible alternative that maybe you can work on your maturity together, and maybe he’s TRYING to be mature?   This is probably a new situation for him, too!   So you said no on the second date.   Great.   You’ve had more dates since then?   He doesn’t want to be your friend but doesn’t want to have sex with you but you’re still in contact?   That tells me you’re having a relationship that just isn’t including sex right now.   Maybe there’s a lot of hope being overlooked here, especially if you feel that there is.

      So why is he not having sex with you after you said no on the second date?   Well, you said no.   THAT’S NOT WRONG!   But what if he’s TRYING to be mature?   Maybe he thinks that he’s trying to show respect for your original choice, and wants you to understand that you aren’t JUST a sexual thing to him.   If this is new to both of you then he’s probably unsure of how far to take that so that you feel respected AFTER, too.

      See, here’s the thing.   You talk with a girl, you cuddle, you share, you do everything that isn’t based on sex and sexual elements start blooming because of the mental and emotional intimacy, just as it should be.   But he’s as much a victim of the same pop culture as you, we all are, so now how to YOU know that all of that, everything he said and did, wasn’t just lines and moves to get into your pants?   Well, if it feels right, then good, but here’s the question that might be plaguing him:   How does HE know that YOU know that you won’t feel like respecting your choice on date 2 wasn’t JUST to get further later on, rather than genuine respect and caring?

    2. 22.2
      Badlands Babe

      I THINK you ought to RE-THINK EVERYTHING…

      Where’s your self respect? I’m not going to get into some save your virginity for marriage speech but, AT LEAST give it to someone you’d like to keep around for awhile & show a bit of self love & integrity.

      I find  your hurry up & get it over with approach to be a bit much & I can see how it could be a real turn off that’s all I’m saying.

      For some sex is just an act. An exchange of body fluids & it’s over but, there’s some who view it as an art or as a dance of erotic intimacy that’s it’s meant to be. At least give it to a partner whose willing to perfect that dance with you.

  3. 23
    Karl R

    Virgin, (#23)

    I have several immediate thoughts about your situation.

    #1 This boy is not your boyfriend. He doesn’t want to have sex with you, and he doesn’t want to be friends. So unless you’re using some bizarre definition of the word, he’s not your boyfriend.

    #2 You will have thousands of opportunities to lose your virginity. You decided to pass on one opportunity.

    #3 Your ex-boyfriend didn’t respect your decision to not have sex on the second date. I wouldn’t have sex with anyone who doesn’t respect my right to say “no”.

    #4 He won’t have sex with you because you said “no” to him once. This means he’s carrying a grudge … and a big enough grudge to overlook his sex drive. I wouldn’t have sex with someone who carried a grudge like that, and I certainly wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who carried a grudge like that.

    One of the best reasons to avoid having sex with someone on the first few dates is so you can find out whether they respect you (are mature, etc) before you have sex with them. You’ve now discovered two excellent reasons not to have sex with him. Move on to someone else.

    #5 If he does have sex with you, he will just be using you for the fun of sex and so he can lose his virginity. Then again, it sounds like you’d be using him for the exact same thing.

    #6 Viagra won’t do a thing. Viagra helps men who want to have sex with a woman, but are physically unable to. Your ex-boyfriend does’t want to have sex with you. That’s a big difference.

    #7 I don’t think he’s frigid. I think he’s just doesn’t want to have sex with you.

    #8 You can’t “fix” him (at least not in the way that you meant it). Think about someone truly dislike. Now think about how they could “fix” you so you would like them. It sounds silly, right? There’s nothing to “fix” with your ex-boyfriend. Move on and find another guy (preferably one that respects you and is a little more mature, but that’s ultimately your decision).

    #9 Your situation doesn’t sound “really weird”. Your ex-boyfriend sounds immature, but that’s pretty normal for teenagers.

    You can either drive yourself crazy with this situation, or you can let go and walk away. Based on your description, this boy isn’t worth going crazy over.

  4. 24
    Seductress Within

    Virgin, Women spend years and years trying to help, fix, figure out, and change men.
    The best piece of advice I can give you is to accept things for what they are. It is what it is. Don’t hang on to this boy because you’re afraid to be alone or find someone else.
    Don’t try to fix this problem so that you can feel loved or forgiven for turning him down before.

    Have you thought about breaking up with him?

    If his reason for not having sex with you is that you turned him down on your second date (if that is even the truth) tells you all you need to know. He’s immature, selfish, and unloving by trying to make you feel guilty and bad for honoring yourself.

    Don’t be in a hurry to loose your virginity and choose very carefully who that person will be. This boy isn’t “scarred” because you turned him down. You did what was right for you. Maybe he isn’t for you.

  5. 25
    missy

    Hmmm interesting comments. I have been going out if you can call it that, with my boyfriend for 5 months. He is well know for being a bit of a lad and i know he has slept with more women that i care to think about !!! That is everyone except me !!! I am at the stage now where i dont sleep over at his and when i drop him off after a night out its a case of a peck on the lips and thats it !!! If i confront him he says he has a lot of problems at the moment (hes out of work, skint, in debt etc) and i understand that but how does that stop him from wanting any intamacy with me. I am starting to feel like the most unattractive person in the world ( Im not by the way). He says he loves me to bits and always wants to spend his time with me, but as far as passion is concerned !!! Thing is its getting worse cos i have not stopped trying and am too scared to go near him. When we are at his house, we even sit on seerate settees. Someone tell me im not going mad and that this guy is taking the p*** . I am so hurt and confused !!!

    1. 25.1
      jess

      I’m going through the same situation,   only we live together.    I feel like I’m not good enough,   it really is hard to deal with.   He certainly had a high sex drive before we got together,   over 200 girls in just the year I knew him.   

      1. 25.1.1
        hunter

        ….Jess….he must be a good looking man…

  6. 26
    kaz

    hey i’ve been with my partner for 2 yrs an we only have sex once every 2 or 3 wks, he says he fancies me an finds me attractive but i dnt feel it wen everytime i try he makes excuses an says i always pick the wrong times to want to have it an feel that wen he sleeps with me he feels he just has to…….is he just not that into me or jus has a low sex drive (not sure)…..any suggestions?

  7. 27
    Karl R

    kaz asked: (#27)
    “is he just not that into me or just has a low sex drive (not sure)”

    Since he has been with you for 2 years, I think he’s into you. But there are are a number of physical and psychological causes for low sex drive.

    physical: obesity, alcoholism, some prescribed drugs, etc.

    psychological: stress, depression, hang-ups from childhood, serious relationship problems, etc.

    When is the last time that your partner saw a doctor?

  8. 28
    Muffy

    It could be that he’s very sensitive and did the right thing…could be. But, if he was willing to sleep together initially, it sounds more like he was never intending to have a serious relationship and felt like hooking up. Then decided he might give it more of a chance and realized that he was right to begin with. I think guys sometimes just go out with women to fill a void and if he can have sex with her great, but women usually think that means he likes her and unfortunately, a lot of times he doesn’t.

  9. 29
    glory

    hi ,well i know what u mean and feel i dont think the guy wanted to have u he is not series?is he? for me i will get bored from him/hhhhhhhhh…?

  10. 30
    KatieM

    Melissa’s situation sounded like what I went through. I met this really cool guy before and we went out on a few dates (no sex), and it was great. Then without warning a few weeks later he stopped calling and texting and talking to me. A few months later I found him on facebook and his reply was “oh I’m so sorry, I got scared, and I didn’t really want a serious relationship”. Just bullcrap excuses, basically.

    This was 2 years ago and I’m now with a great guy. And the loser? Oh he gained 50 pounds and grew a mullet. Imagine the smile on my face when I saw his new photo.
    Everything happens for a reason!!

  11. 31
    ra

    you love these role-reverse letters…try living with it…no sex no affection…but when you want to leave the beg you to stay…i moved across the country for this guy…we have been dating for a year…sex two times a month if i am lucky. i am at my wits end…i have tried nicely to talk about it…he has porn but that is not the same cause he is intimate with me and porn is something for him the fall asleep with. but the porn gets more time then me.

    1. 31.1
      reta Krukowski

      He’s addicted to porn and doesn’t need a real person to satisfy him. He is selfish. You should get rid of him.

  12. 32
    reds

    Hi, i just heard some disturbing news about a guy i really like. We’ve been friends for almost two years. I thought i knew him… but this scares me and i don’t know wether the source who told me is a good one.   And i planned on dating him at some point.. we’ve just both been thru alot.. and decided friendship for   now was best.

    His ex girlfriend, who he is still friends with told me today.. that when they dated *about 7 years ago), he didn’t want to kiss her much if at all esp during sex b/c he didn’t want her to fall in love with him. So i told her.. sounds like a intimacy problem. Then, what she told me.. was even worse. She was not allowed to initate sex what so ever. He also had to get ready on his own.. before she came in the room to have sex with him.

    I don’t know what to do……………

    I am baffled.. now she has alot of emotional problmes too.. so i am not sure how to take all this..   And i promised not to talk to him about it.

  13. 33
    Cat

    #16 – Sheena, I’m so sorry that happened to you! Please look into free counseling for survivors of rape. You don’t need to have health insurance. It’s confidential, and it doesn’t matter if it happened two years ago or twenty years ago. They’re there to offer support.

    #33 – You’re potentially rejecting a guy you’ve been friends with for two years because of how he might have been SEVEN years ago? And this according to his emotionally disturbed ex (who might have her own reasons for steering you in the other direction?)

    Unless he was abusing her (physically or verbally,) I’d concentrate more on how he treats YOU today and forget about how he treated someone else nearly a decade ago…

  14. 34
    BeeFly

    ok. first of all im so glad i found this site. It is 6 am, and i cant manage to fall asleep. My boyfriend of about 1 year, is sleeping like a baby in heaven after an exhausted business trip..and that’s all fine with me. My only issue is that for the last 4-6 months our sex drives have become somewhat incompatible. I   am 26, he is 36, i am a singer and do marketing, he is an architect trying to push on his own business in the middle of a crisis in spain.  I guess i would be considered attractive because guys my age would kill to sleep with me, him on the other hand is not what one would call a womans first sight choice, BUT.. I fell in love with him and i am deeply in love with him, perhaps even more dedicated then he is.
    Which brings me to my next point: What is a woman to do if her man does not have the sexual drive, or energy to sleep with you? even though you sleep besides him practically overnight in hot sexy langerie or tease him sexually, or play hard to get..etc.. Ive tried all sorts of tactics..but nothing gives!He would rather watch a movie to unwind, then to get into bed early, have sex and sleep. There is nothing more frustrating then to get home all excited to see him (regardless of how tired my day has been) and the first words that come out of his mouth are ” Im so exhausted” so that immediately puts me in ” don’t exhaust him more, let him sleep” mode. which results to another night of sexual frustration.
    I know he is stressed because of work and all, but all i am saying is how can we regain the balance? like someone else said ” sex is what makes a difference between a bf and a friend”- I know he cares for me, and we spend alot of quality time together at home, but when i try to get it started he almost lazes away from the situation. and WHEN we DO have sex..it is not love making anymore, it is just rough sex–which im kinda beginning to miss the emotional connection we used to have. Sex alone does not turn me own or give me orgasm without that delicate passion..so i sometimes end up “taking care of myself”. And that is not healthy either because im starting to condition my body to “masturbation= guaranteed orgasm”.
    As you can see, I have reached a point of sleeplessness, and of fantasizing of seeing someone else (have a lover perhaps), someone i could see once in a while, no strings attached, just to satisfy my sexual hunger. Ive had guys wanting to volunteer. would this be ok? I wonder if I should tell him or keep it to myself…

  15. 35
    Luxe

    Beefly,

    Maybe you two need to schedule a date night where you will get out of the house and not think about work etc. Or a weekend getaway or some such. Hopefully he’ll be less stressed out and exhausted if he can get away for a while.

    This kinda has me perplexed. I figured, if there is no sexual interest.. then how can there be a solid relationship? Doesn’t seem like it would work out.

  16. 36
    Denise

    Beefly, I think Luxe has a good suggestion.   I would shoot to have some uninterupted quiet relaxed time to talk about this with him.   Perhaps starting from a place that you really miss the intimate connection you two had, that you don’t feel connected to him and feel unwanted.   You’d like to get back to what you two   had before sexually…and then ask him what he thinks.   Then shut up :)…let him talk.   This isn’t about him   per se, it’s about the two of you in this relationship.

    I also agree that if there is not a strong sexual interest, especially on the man’s side, that doesn’t bode well for a successful long term happy romantic relationship.   As you can see, it’s hitting your feelings of femininity which is hurting his feeling of masculinity–it’s a vicious cycle.

  17. 37
    beefly

    I think both of you are right. Or i could just play the Desperate Housewife role, and have a classic non-attached affair. I mean, the guy im considering is also in an unsatisfied relationship and our former non attached sexual affair was pretty delicious in a non-needy way. problem would be if we start needing it too much. then we would grow an attachment problem..yaiks! that could be messy! dnt get it twisted, I am not promiscuous at all, i couldnt care less for other hot guys i meet going out or partying, not even tempted. its not random sex i want..its a connection that is comfortble, sexy and natural, without drama..so..this affair thing sounds very tempting..and innocent, cause my intention is not to hurt my bf, it’s simply to not be so physically needy of something he is not able to give given his circumstances.

  18. 38
    Karl R

    beefly, (#34 & #37)
    It sounds to me like you’ve already made up your mind about what you’re going to do, and you’re just seeking outside approval so you can feel good about your decision.

    Sorry. I’m not here to lie to you, even if that is what you want.

    beefly said: (#37)
    “so..this affair thing sounds very tempting..and innocent, cause my intention is not to hurt my bf,”

    Innocent? You’re making a premeditated decision to betray your boyfriend’s trust in you.

    I had a girlfriend cheat on me previously. Her actions hurt me and hurt our relationship … even before I learned about it. The revelation about her cheating allowed me to understand what had damaged the relationship, but it also destroyed the trust I had in her.

    But you already know that this action will hurt your boyfriend. You’re trying to  rationalize your actions by claiming that it’s not your intent to hurt him, but you’re obviously too self-centered to care.

    beefly said: (#37)
    “its not random sex i want..its a connection that is comfortble, sexy and natural, without drama”

    Without drama? I can think of few things that would add more drama than an affair. You even describe it as the “Desperate Housewives role.”

    Luxe (#35) and Denise (#36) already told you how to handle this situation with integrity. But that clearly wasn’t what you were seeking. You want us to reassure you that it’s okay for you to have an affair. It’s not okay. You’ll have to cheat without that reassurance.

    Go ahead and do what you were already planning to do. I doubt anything we say is going to discourage you.

  19. 39
    BeenThereDoneThat

    I second Karl

  20. 40
    beefly

    ok ok ok!! YOU’RE RIGHT!!I dont need convincing, I just need a friendly slap across the face to shake me off this numbness! It was a wrong string of thought ive been caught in, and i was really talking a load of crap! I hate the idea of begging for sex, but moreover i hate the idea of cheating..its just that, i seriously doubt that he would even notice if i even did (but that’s not the point, is it?!)..and i guess its just the immature little girl in me trying to get his attention or trying to regain some sort of empowerment..and wanting to keep my sexual drive running ( ahhh!!those hormones!!).
    There is NO EXCUSE what so ever for cheating on ANYONE. IF YOU’RE UNHAPPY, LEAVE! I havent, and i i will not cheat..instead, I opted to break up with him. we had a clear discussion this morning, all morning..on a rainy, stormy day..For 6 hours we spoke and cried back and forthe, and listened and..all to conclude that our long-term destiny or goal   plan is not the same (you couldnt have told me this earlier? that i was wasting my time? Oh yeah, you were too busy being comfortable in our relationship while i served you tea while you were hooked to your buisiness emails and phonecalls). I want to devote myself to a man to eventually marry and eventually have kids, you know? A man who works to provide. Sadly enough (or not) this is no where near his priorities . His PROJECTS and WORK are his only priorities and he expressed he didnt think he was fit to be a family man..( although, he is 37, and all his relationships have ended practically for the same reason.. FEAR OF COMMITMENT). But Stupid Bee, thought patience and understanding would pave the way, WRONG! A man Always know what he DOESN’T want, but isnt always ready to admit it!
    So its seems that all this time, ive been investing my time and building a ground for our relationship, ALONE..in my own dillusion. So, I guess we’re both better off..i dont need to cheat, and he doesnt have to worry about me wanting more that he can offer. THE END!

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