My Unattractive Best Friend Is Completely Shallow! How Do I Help Him?

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I have around 25 people that I speak/preach  to on Sunday mornings and I stay in contact with through church services or email. Truly, I can foresee that someday any or all of my single students (ranging in age from 22-55) could find the right person, with one exception. Dan is a very overweight (at least 75 pounds), 35 year old male who is quite interested in sports and is somewhat involved in church activities.

What I felt where at least 2 wonderful potential female matches have come along for him to pursue; however, his response is always the same: “I am not attracted to them”, because these females have similar physical characteristics that he has.

Dan is truly one of my best friends and often does activities with my wife and I and our 3 children. His taste in women is so superficial that if an attractive female were to show any interest in him (despite any other similar characteristics) he would leap head over heels for her, and I am afraid would be in deeper trouble.

He sadly does not have the personality it would take to win the type of girl he is dreaming of.   He feels very comfortable around men and ladies that are older and younger. However any girl anywhere near his age or that is the least bit attractive, he cannot even bring himself to speak to her for a lack of confidence. I have advised him that he must compensate for his lack of physical attractiveness with personality, yet he feels that having a nice car or dressing sharply or buying a girl flowers or candy should be all that is required to win the heart of a prospect.   He regularly (4 times per week) will text me to ask if I have found him a woman. I have known  Dan for 20 years and truly don’t know how to help him. His senior pastor has had counseling sessions with him to no avail. Any suggestions?

Thanks,

Jeff

I know this guy in Los Angeles who is successful in the entertainment business. He doesn’t have the issues that your friend Dan has — no social awkwardness, no obesity – but he is short, heavy and balding. Anyway, a couple of years ago, we were hanging out with friends on a hot July day, and we were watching women go by. I pointed out an attractive brunette passing by on a bicycle.

Just because you’re attracted to a George Clooney or a Angelina Jolie doesn’t mean you have the ability to date them.

“Nah,” he said. “She’s not my type.” I was shocked. I wasn’t aware he was in the position to be so choosy. Oh, but he was. In fact, this man made it very clear that it’s the hardest part of finding a girlfriend was that nobody’s attractive enough for him. He’ll only date women that are “8’s” on a scale of 1-10.

Later that night, we were at a bar. I was chatting up a beautiful woman in her mid 20’s and we spotted my guy friend across the room. “On a scale of 1-10, where would you rank that guy?” I asked her. Without hesitation, she answered:

“He’s a 3.”

If that’s not dating in a nutshell, I don’t know what is.

Despite our iffy self-esteem, we tend to overrate ourselves in terms of what we “deserve” to date. Just because you’re attracted to a George Clooney or a Angelina Jolie doesn’t mean you have the ability to date them….  

After years of witnessing this phenomenon, I actually gave it a name: “The Matchmakers Dilemma”.

Simply put: Most people are 5’s, but they want to date 8’s.

This is why it’s so hard for a Matchmaker to set anyone up.

Because most people don’t think they’re 5’s. Or 3’s. In other words, most people are delusional.

(Sorry to be so crude as to rank people with numbers, but it’s shorthand to describe someone’s physicality and most people can grasp the concept, so…)

In the big bell curve of life, for every 10, there’s a 1; for every 9, there’s a 2; and so on. Most of us are going to fall somewhere in the middle of the bell curve — 4, 5, 6. Most of us are average.

Then why can’t we come to terms with it? Not everyone is of equal attractiveness. Not everyone makes the same living. Not everyone has the same sense of humor. Not everyone is equally personable or kind. Yet we certainly wouldn’t admit that we were below average on any of these things. We’re all Mother Teresa, we all look great for our age, we all love to laugh. Just go on a dating site. You’ll see.

My fiancé quotes an old Friends episode where Joey says that people are allowed to date within 2 slots of themselves. Thus, if you’re a 7, you can date a 6 or an 8. Any more than that, somebody’s slumming.

When I work with clients online, pretty much all of them put the most attractive people on their favorites list. It’s hard to blame them. Why write to “the 4” when you can write to “the 9”? Yet even dozens of rejections later, many still refuse to grasp the fact that they’re overreaching. They feel they deserve a 9.

“I can’t help what I’m attracted to,” they say.

“I can get people like this in real life,” they say.

“I’m not dating anyone short/old//heavy,” they say.

Doesn’t matter if they’re short, old, or heavy. They want what they want.

Dan needs to come to terms with the idea that beautiful women have the option of going out with men who are younger, cuter, thinner, taller, funnier, and more confident than he is. And while it’s no crime to be attracted to a Maxim model, it’s not a very realistic goal for him — or for the majority of American men.

My fiancé quotes an old Friends episode where Joey says that people are allowed to date within 2 slots of themselves. Thus, if you’re a 7, you can date a 6 or an 8. Any more than that, somebody’s slumming.

Any hot woman who dated Dan would be slumming. Which is why he needs to get in touch with what he can command on the open market. It really hurts to say this, but apart from a handful of wealthy men who can attract a hot golddigger, there are few folks who can overcome obesity, lack of personality, and social cluelessness.

If you’re a true friend, Jeff, you should tell Dan the truth. That to get a hot woman, he’s got to slim down. That he should hire a dating coach or study some pick up artists. That setting him up with your church’s finest would be a disaster for all parties involved.

Then again, I’m the guy who wrote “Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad”, so take whatever I say with a grain of salt, would ya?

Let us know how it goes.

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Comments:

  1. 81
    Joe

    Just reading old posts here…

    Karl R, if you’ve never had your IQ tested, how can you know you are in the top 1% in intelligence? Are you using some other kind of measure, or are you from Lake Wobegon?

  2. 82
    Karl R

    Joe asked: (#81)
    “Karl R, if you’ve never had your IQ tested, how can you know you are in the top 1% in intelligence?”

    It’s where I routinely tested on other standardized tests.

  3. 83
    judy

    Joe 81 – sometimes, people have their IQ’s tested prior to employment opportunities.

  4. 84
    Sheesko

    There is nothing — NOTHING — more attractive than someone who is joyful and interested in other people and things. Dan (and the people who are so interested in manipulating his life for him) need to get over this “find a gorgeous mate” nonsense. Let Dan join a non-church (new people!) organization that does active things that he enjoys, ideally in big groups. What is his passion? There is a club or class going on somewhere near him that is made up of there people who enjoy that, too.  

    Dan may be depressed. He might need more exercise and sunshine to help with that. And you know, Dan may be setting the bar so high for female companionship as a way to avoid women; he might be gay — or he could just be one of those people who isn’t all that interested in joking up with anyone. He seems pretty locked into a scene that isn’t serving him well. A change is in order.

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