Newsflash: Older Men Don’t Want Women Their Own Age

old man with a younger woman
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Was just on CBS Early Show and had a blast, as usual. Julie Chen was super nice and made getting up at 3:30am well worth it. As for the “debate”? Well, it’s morning news, so there’s only so deep you can go. Too bad we didn’t have a full hour to really get in there. I had about three anecdotes about clients lying about their age that I didn’t get a chance to use.

1) My 54-year-old male client who had electric chemistry with a woman on a first date. After an hour of making out with her, he was fully smitten. Called her the next day, where she confessed that she wasn’t 54 herself. When asked how old she was, she said “Let’s just say I’m in my sixties”. They never would have met had she told the truth up front.

2) My 71-year-old female client who is on a crew team but has never confessed her age, because she doesn’t want to feel “different” than everyone else. She likes fitting in and sees no need to call attention to her age.

3) Just yesterday, my 44-year-old client, who, upon hearing about my upcoming CBS appearance, started to rail against guys who lie about their age. Yet when we logged onto her old JDate profile, she audibly gasped. “Ohmigod. I guess I lied about my age, too”.

So while I would never go and call myself an “advocate” of lying, I would say that we should reserve judgment. There’s a difference between a serial fabricator and a woman who is insecure that telling the truth will lead to age discrimination. At least that’s what I would have said, if I had more time.

But the best part of the interview was the one in which I didn’t speak (ha!) It was when Julie asked the male anchors whether they’d date an older woman. Their non-answers speak for themselves.

Check out the clip here!

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Comments:

  1. 21
    JB

    What Eathan above really means is “if a woman lies about her age.. I won’t go out with her again” UNLESS SHE’S H O T …LOL

    At 48 I don’t really age discriminate. I put 45 in my profile for obvious reasons and I never get questioned.I generally go out with women 38-55. But let’s face it…..I play tennis,go rollerblading,bike riding,health club 4 times a week and have a healthy sex drive. Not to mention out dancing 2 or 3 times a week at night. I’m NOT a couch potato . A lot(not all) of women in their 50’s can hardly keep up on any level. To many of them “exercise” is “taking a walk”….. and normal sex is once every 2 weeks.
    Just my experience

    1. 21.1
      DIANA

      I don’t think I could keep up with you, JB. I only go dancing once a week, work out 6 days a week and have sex an average of 3 times per week.

      I love being 55!

      1. 21.1.1
        Brad

        Your one of a kind, 90% of the women my age in Midwest are way overweight wrinkly, and have health issues.

        1. Susie

          No offense Brad. But MOST middle aged men in the Midwest are extremely over weight ,unfit and toned, huge guts, bad teeth, saggy looking and extremely in denial on their appearance. Did I mention man boobs also?

        2. Mary

          What bothers me even more is ugly, overweight, bitchy women with gorgeous tom selleck educated men and the men are crazy for them. Why arent these men with women who ar gorgeous and educated like them??

        3. Emily, the original

          Mary,

          What bothers me even more is ugly, overweight, bitchy women with gorgeous tom selleck educated men and the men are crazy for them. Why arent these men with women who ar gorgeous and educated like them??

          Maybe those women know how to lay it down.

    2. 21.2
      Promise

      I doubt you could keep up with me.   At 51.Swim competitively, mountain bike, ride horses, ski, work out regularly.   Yeah, most men I meet, your age and older, think “hiking” is exercise.   And hiking, for them, is walking around a lake.   Oh, and regarding sex:   You are full of it.   50 is the new 40 (if one is so hung up on numbers), and it is better than ever.   You might try working on yourself a bit more so you attract a higher caliber woman.   Good luck.

  2. 22
    Lance

    I see listed age as an issue only because of the way searches are set up on match. Basically, it’s one of the first criteria, along with height/weight. If you want to appeal to a different crowd, I wouldn’t having a problem listing a different age and then describing what I was doing in the profile. For me, it’s just gaming the system. Guess what else? Girls aren’t punching in guys who are “short” either, so bumping yourself up a few inches to show up in more searches is perfectly fair IMO.

    For me the pics and intelligence of the profile gets you in the door, and then how well the initial email convo goes. Lying about age means nothing to me.

    Lance´s last blog post…Tax Returns: Complete and Total Satisfaction

  3. 23
    Lance

    Also, I would definitely date older chicks, probably even up to 10 years older than me.

    Lance´s last blog post…Tax Returns: Complete and Total Satisfaction

  4. 24
    Karl R

    JerseyGirl said: (#16)
    “Lets be honest, we don’t all lay our cards out on the table for our first dates.”

    I think a woman should find out my good points at the same rate she finds out my bad points (and vice versa). And first dates aren’t long enough for all that information to come out. I’ll discuss all of that during the first few months.

    Evan said:
    “There’s a difference between a serial fabricator and a woman who is insecure that telling the truth will lead to age discrimination.”

    I agree, but it’s easy to get on a slippery slope from there. If it’s okay for a woman (or man) to lie about her age, is it okay for someone to lie about something else?

    What if I lie about my education? I could say I have a bachelor’s degree instead of “some college”. People don’t guess the truth unless I tell them. My dating pool on Match.com would quadruple if I said I had a degree.

    For those women and men who have lied about their age, do you think it’s okay for me to lie about my education?

    What if someone lies about their marital status and says they’re divorced when they’re only separated? Almost everyone on Match.com excludes people who are separated.

    I’m sure a lot of people will say that certain lies matter more than other lies. I agree completely. However, how much of our decisions about which lies matter boil down to this: “The lies I tell don’t matter. The lies that other people tell do matter.” Doesn’t it stand to reason that the “other people” believe that their lies don’t matter, while yours do?

    I expect people to lie. But trust is a crucial element in a relationship. I’m not going to sabotage the trust in a relationship before it even begins by lying to a woman up front.

    1. 24.1
      v

      Karl, this comment made so much sense! I was naive when i first began internet dating (and eventually gave up dating altogether because i got discouraged.) Men misrepresented themselves AND discriminated. Younger men wanted to hook up and older men — idk what they wanted … a younger woman i suppose … men my own age or living nearby ignored me. it seemed what they all wanted regardless of age was just sex … not to take a women (over 40) seriously. it’s too bad, too, because i entered the dating world with enthusiasm and left it discouraged and dejected.  

      1. 24.1.1
        Casey

        Sadly, the truth seems to be that most , not all, but most men are pathetically shallow. I am 51 and have had some great long term relationships, but I really fear that things are different now.

        The internet and texting and all this easy access to woman and porn, etc and lets not forget viagra! has destroyed communication and personal interaction of many kinds, and when it comes to men, it has brought out the inner pigs in all but a few decent, wonderful guys, and there weren’t that many to start with. “God” stopped them from getting erections for a reason lol! Maybe he knew what he was doing?

        1. Buck25

          Joanne,

          Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Lot of newly divorced women in that age range, but even there, it’s an individual thing,Not everybody processes something like that the same way. Maybe it;s the sheer numbers, and that the angriest ones are the most obvious, that promotes that particular stereotype. I’m not sure that has any real validity beyond that, or whether we can conclude anything useful from that we do know.

    2. 24.2
      Mrs Happy

      Karl you are so correct in your comment, “The lies I tell don’t matter. The lies that other people tell do matter.” I think, the lies you tell, affect other people, and it’s important to try to do the right thing by others.
      I recall some back-and-forth conversations before I met a man years ago, during which I worked out he had lied about his age quite significantly. Basically his autobiographical information and time at university doing each degree across which years, didn’t add up. At the time I was in my early 30’s and wanting to have a family so I was looking for a man around my age and stage of life. When I queried him on the age stuff he said “wow you’re smart” (Ah, not really mate, it was basic maths), he admitted he’d lied, and kept insisting he “looked and felt young” (who cares what you believe/feel, I thought, it’s your AGE that matters to me). He was in his 50’s or something, I had no desire to date or marry a man 20 years older than me, even if he said he wanted to do so, and said he wanted to have children, etc. I found it all so offputting that I didn’t want to meet him. He railed against that, telling me “everyone lies”, but I found getting to know people and evaluate them for compatibility hard enough without lies right up front. I never met him, and it was because of him lying about his age, and the many years of age difference.
      My last boyfriend just before I married was in catestrophic financial debt, and he disclosed this about 2-3 months in, but only after he had to borrow my credit card for something while we were travelling, because three of his didn’t work. He really lived the high life, spent huge amounts on luxury living, and I later found out he had been in significant debt for almost 2 decades, from the time he started at college. He was not able to live financially within his means. His plan was to “change after I marry”. (He reasoned he would then have incentive to provide for a family.) I don’t know when the best time for him to disclose this to me would have been. As it was I battled with it, I spent some time wondering whether the (decent-sized) deposit for a house I’d been accumulating over a decade should be instead put to paying off his debts if we married… we broke up so I never had to decide.
      I have also met 2 men who didn’t disclose to their 2 female partners they were HIV positive, even though in one case, one of the women had asked him outright.
      Lies, lies, lies. People have different thresholds. People often lie to get something advantageous for themselves.

    3. 24.3
      Annie

      I think it’s ok to lie and say you have a degree if that lie gives a more accurate picture than the answer ‘no’.    I gravitate towards more educated people than myself and always have done.    If a man is like me and can hold his own in a conversation with more educated people, than ‘yes’ even though it’s untrue actually gives a clearer picture.   Tbh, most people with degrees only half remember what they learnt about one subject twenty years ago.    That’s what I find.   I never feel intimidated by somebody because they did a degree in   culinary arts or some such indulgence twenty years ago.    A curious mind with a good memory and an outward-looking mindset, those are the people who who come across as educated long after everybody’s moved on from the uni references.

  5. 25
    Lance

    @LK: It annoys short guys that they get selected out of searches by chicks like yourself. It’s all fair in my opinion and that’s the game with online dating sites.

    Lance´s last blog post…Tax Returns: Complete and Total Satisfaction

  6. 26
    LK

    Lance said: “Girls aren’t punching in guys who are short either, so bumping yourself up a few inches to show up in more searches is perfectly fair IMO.”

    And this is why I add a couple inches to my “minimum” when I do a search. It annoys me that I have to do this.

    1. 26.1
      Taylor

      LOL!!!! Most men think they are still the height they were in their 20’s. I have men (supposedly} 6′   that ended up being 5’9″. Don’t up your height….when we meet you and see how short you are, the date is OVER!!! I am tall and expect you to be the height you say you   are!! If you can’t handle a 5’11” tall woman, YOU are the insecure one.

  7. 27
    Robyn

    Ageism occurs in many situations, unfortunately. And it ain’t going away anytime soon…. So we have to kinda work with it, work around it etc.
    “Fudging” your age by a couple of years (1-5) is not that “bad” IMHO. When the “fudge factor” becomes closer to 10 years (or even more), I do get rather wary though.

    Funnily enough, the one situation where I used to keep VERY quiet about my age was when I graduated from college & was starting out in business. I was still a teenager (19) and most of my colleagues at the same level as I was were several years older (23-28).
    Luckily I looked/appeared older/mature so no one ever questioned my age. But if I was asked I would reply honestly (just not too loudly). I had already had one manager remark “Oh, so you’re that teenager that we just employed” which was kinda amusing, but I didn’t want to be typecast, y’know.

  8. 28
    Jennifer

    @Karl R #22- Very well said.

  9. 29
    dadshouse

    I’m truthful on dating profiles, and ever since I hit my 40s, it has killed my game! That said, if I’m just trying to hook up casually, I have no problem lying and saying I’m 39. I’m in shape, and look young. Women just want a guy they perceive to be “virile”. And over 40s for some women is not virile, no matter the guy’s true health.

    dadshouse´s last blog post…Hot Dad – Sexy or Old?

    1. 30.1
      Beauford

      Funny but so true lol I’m still laughing.   Im 45 6,5 260lbs if I like what I see regardless of age I go for it. Never have used cyber dating yet..lol

  10. 31
    Cilla

    @ Steve

    Yes, I think we are in agreement: to pull off a short haircut, the cut needs to be good, and a woman really should have a feminine style of dress and a good body–of course easier if you are a celebrity.

    @casual

    I think the whole idea of cutting one’s hair to make life easier is bunk. I did that when my son was little, and it was actually much more time consuming having short hair. I had to have it cut more often to look good. I had to wash it every day. I woke up with wacky bed hair and could never go anywhere without at least wetting it down. With long hair, I can wash it every couple of days most of the year, and when I need to go somewhere in a hurry first thing in the morning, I can throw it in a ponytail. I can go much longer between cuts. I think you’re right–there is a component of giving up or surrendering one’s sexual self that many women buy into once they have children. I think it’s related to loss of identity and lowering of self-esteem.

    Long hair can look witchy on a woman if she just grows it out without any layering or styling, if she lets it get too long, or if she doesn’t bother coloring it or blowing it out. I agree with Nora Ephron that a bottle of hair color is the single greatest anti-aging product a woman can buy. Very few women can rock the Emmylou Harris look (although I don’t think she cares about looking a certain age as much as making a visual statement). She has long grey hair, but styles it and wears hip clothing. It wouldn’t necessarily be my choice, but it works for someone artistic like her. Grey and grizzled is icky on everyone. I see sooooo much of that here in the upper midwest–women with that “I don’t need to spend time or money on that because I’m a middle aged married woman” attitude.

    @LK

    LOL–I do the same thing: I set my height minimum at 5’8″, realizing that’s actually 5’6″ most of the time. If I put 5’6″ in, I’d be getting emails from guys who are 5’3″ and 5’4″–a little too short even for me at 5’3″.

    @JB

    I see just as many men in their 50’s who think a once-a-week softball game is exercise and who physically can’t have sex more than every week or two, even if they’re interested in it. It works both ways.

  11. 32
    mistechal

    I could say that I was 10 years younger than I actually am, and no one would know. Trouble is, if I do meet the partner of my dreams, I don’t want to have to explain to him that I lied to him. That’s why I am honest about my age.
    On the other hand, I met and fell quite in love with a fellow last year, who was 4 years younger. ( I’m 55) I met him at a charity event, but if it were a dating site, he might have filtered for women younger than himself. We would have never met ! I feel that dating sites shouldn’t ask for one’s age, but age range, in 10 year increments for those over 35. That would possibly cut down on some of the ageist filters.

    1. 32.1
      Jenn

      I think that’s a great idea, except I would put it a little more specific, like saying “early 30s” or “late 50s”. Or better yet, leave the age thing off altogether, but make people put up pictures with a recent date stamp clearly visible and let them decide if they want to say their age in their profile. The problem with that is that, of course, people can still lie, but if they were already doing it anyway, what’s the difference?  

  12. 33
    Jennifer

    @Mistechal #32 I think your post presents an excellent argument for meeting people in venues other than online- age isn’t the first thing you see. Online should be one way to meet people, not the only way. If people regularly exercised their other options for getting dates, they would have less time to spend raging against the problems with online dating- they’d simply stop doing it if it doesn’t work for them. Which in my mind makes more sense than trying to figure out what to lie about to *force* it to work.

    I don’t agree though that people not wanting to date people of a certain age is ‘ageist’ – we are talking about dating, something very individual and personal, not job discrimination. No one has to give anyone with (insert whatever characteristic here) a chance to get in their pants if they don’t want to and, to me, that’s more than reasonable and alright 🙂

  13. 34
    Karl R

    Jennifer said: (#33)
    “I don’t agree though that people not wanting to date people of a certain age is ageist – we are talking about dating, something very individual and personal,”

    A couple years ago I was chatting with Curtis, an acquaintance of mine. Curtis is in his 60s, but looks like he’s in his 80s (due to heavy smoking, no exercise and a lot of time in the sun). I had recently been on a date with Sally (she was 24 years old, I was 37). I mentioned to Curtis that I wouldn’t be going out with Sally again because thought she was “too young”.

    Curtis: “I’m open to dating women of different ages.”
    Me: “Like what?”
    Curtis: “Women in their 30s and 40s. Hell, I’d be open to dating Sally.”
    Karl: “Would you date a woman in her 70s or 80s?”
    Curtis: “HELL NO !!”

    So Curtis is open to dating women of “different ages” … provided that difference is a lot younger than him.

    I start thinking someone is a bit “ageist” if they’re opposed to dating people their own age.

  14. 35
    Angela

    I am 51 years young. I have no wrinkles, am 5’6″ and wear a size 4-6 and look much younger. Great genes and lots of melanin really helps. I was carded until I was 34. Online I have my real age and am amazed at the guys that are 5-10 years younger that look so old!!! The older men that do look younger go after the younger women. In person, I am always approched by much younger men that do not know my age. If I had to do it all over again, online I would have taken off a10 years. I am suure more guys would approach me. I get many emails aking how old are my pictures and they are less than 6 months.

  15. 36
    Cilla

    @ Angela

    You could always do as a previous poster suggested and put a fake age in the searchable part of your profile and reveal your real age in the narrative section.

  16. 37
    Ruby

    @JB

    Viagra anyone? Most of the men I and my friends have dated over 40/45 have had problems with sexual performance. I’m over 45 and do not! Maybe they should put that fact in their profiles!

  17. 38
    JB

    He he he ..Ruby…Don’t hold your breath for guys to start putting in their profile that they use the “little blue football”(aka Viag,Cialis,err..any other performance enhancing pharmacutical) to score touchdowns. Many men of ALL different ages use it and the women never know….lol too bad 😉

    What’s next ? Women putting in their profiles that they’re going through Menopause?? …lol yeah right.

  18. 39
    mistechal

    I feel that if I see a fellow that I might be attracted to on a dating site, and he has stipulated that he is only interested in younger women, I could always contact him myself. After all, it’s not like it’s only the men who are in control of who contacts who.
    The thing is, I don’t want to meet a man who is 50, but has narrowed his criteria by age. If he is that devolved, then I don’t care to know him anyways. I want someone who is at least as mature as I am, and that, sometimes has nothing to do with one’s age.

  19. 40
    Angela

    I may adjust my age, but now it seems too late. The interesting thing is that now so many young guys are into thre whole cougar thing. I had a guy my age (51) who looked 75 proposition me. Hell, if I am just looking for sex, I will go with the 25 year old and go to the moutain top!!!!! I get approached by a lot guys 25-35, but since I am looking for a longterm relationship I beg off but thank them for the compliment!

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