Pity the Pretty: An Ode to Attractive Women Who Can’t Find Boyfriends

Pity the Pretty: An Ode to Attractive Women Who Can't Find Boyfriends
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Dear Evan,

I am 25 years old and have never been in a serious relationship.   I am a very attractive girl and I tend to meet guys easily and go on dates mostly every weekend. My problem is that it never leads to anything more than that. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but the date will go really well and things tend to either move really slow, I won’t hear from them after our date for a week or so, or not at all.   My friends all have boyfriends, and I’m really looking to settle down.   Can you help me?   By the way, it never gets farther than kissing with me.   I realize that if they don’t stick around because I won’t have sex with them, then at least I know. It just seems that’s all they are looking for. It seems that attractive girls only get guys that want to sleep with them.

Why can’t I meet a guy who sees me as more?

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Today, I’m going to take a controversial stance. I’m going heap some sympathy on the pretty girl.

Does the pretty girl have the same issues as the fat girl? No. The pretty girl never lacks for attention. Heads turn when she walks into the room. Men leap to attention and whisper to each other before approaching. Yes, the pretty girl has more dates than she needs and probably has a waiting list a mile long. What could possibly be wrong with this scenario?

By being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal.”

Well, if you’re a pretty girl or you know a pretty girl, you know exactly what’s wrong.

You’re an object to men.

You never know why someone likes you.

You can be intimidating without trying.

You can come across as aloof even if you’re just shy.

You’re instantly hated by a lot of other women.

You’re assumed to be dumb by many men.

You may be insecure, but people have trouble believing it.

You’re given things by men for no reason (Free dinners! Vacations! No speeding tickets!), which creates an odd power dynamic.

You’re catered to so frequently that you may lack some kindness, empathy or social grace. When you’re constantly put on a pedestal, it’s hard to be in sync with “normal” people. This is the same thing that afflicts celebrities, by the way. Except they get to claim “diva” status. You’re just known as a bitch.

That last one is just my observation about beautiful people and doesn’t necessarily apply to you. But the point is, by being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal”…

As a result, you become a lifelong target–a trophy for men to bag. And make no mistake about it, most men want to bag you. For anyone to deny this is patently foolish. I’m as sensitive a guy as you’re going to find in terms of how I communicate with women, but I can still remember the rush of dating a Perfect 10. It was as if her magical glow rubbed off on me in some way when she walked into a room. And if I can be seduced by physical attraction, and the glory that comes with landing such a specimen, I would have to assume that 95% of the red-blooded, conscience-free men would feel the same way.

Put it this way–when I was single, if I had a chance to sleep with…I don’t know…who is the most distasteful female celebrity? Paris Hilton, maybe? Yeah, I’d do it. Just to be able to say I did. I wouldn’t want to have to make pillow talk, or cook her breakfast, or call her the following day. I just want to have the meaningless experience and cheap thrill that comes along with sex with a celebrity.

Men are to pretty girls what paparazzi are to celebrities. Their constant validation makes them feel important. Their ulterior motives make them feel used and disposable.

To me, that’s the perfect metaphor–very attractive women ARE celebrities. They get lavished with attention and praise. They get perks just for being pretty. Their mere presence makes people excited, nervous, fearful, giddy. And while it might seem like a great ride being a celebrity, tell that to poor Britney. Or Mariah. Or any of the people who crumble from the pressure and attention foisted upon them.

Men are to pretty girls what paparazzi are to celebrities. Their constant validation makes them feel important. Their ulterior motives make them feel used and disposable.

I know I’ve gone on a bit of a tangent here, Ashley, because it’s very rare that we hear that the root of someone’s problems stems from being too attractive, but I believe that is the case.

Some of the most attractive women I know in Los Angeles–tall blondes with thin waists and big boobs–are 40 and single, because nice guys don’t approach them and slimy guys are always on the make.

What’s really difficult for pretty girls is trying to assess when a guy IS sincere. I mean, it’s tough enough for an average woman to tell when a guy is interested in a relationship or sex. Imagine what it’s like when you’re objectified wherever you go. You start to mistrust everybody. You make nice guys pay for the sins of bad guys. And you think that if you insist on not doing any more than kissing that you’re weeding out the “wrong” guys. You may also be weeding out some decent guys. Although it’s unpopular to say, sex is rightfully important to men. A reasonable man with looks and money and life experience might very well say to himself, after five dates with nothing more than a kiss, “Screw this. I’m going to find a woman who matches my passion, who makes me feel attractive and sexy, who is excited about me.”

It’s not that you’re wrong for attempting to protect yourself, Ashley. It’s that your layers of protection may be having an unintended side effect–putting off otherwise well-meaning men who don’t want to feel like they’re in seventh grade all over again.

So how do you decide if a man is interested in you or interested in sex? Well, there’s this previous blog post that discusses this phenomenon. And I’m delighted to report that I actually have a five minute VIDEO that takes on the same topic. Enjoy.

Despite your very accurate concerns that men want to sleep with the pretty girl, pretty girls get married ALL THE TIME. You want to know how? They let down their guard, they take a chance, and they TRUST. That would be my advice to you as well.

Good luck.

Are you also an attractive woman who can never tell if a man is interested in you as a trophy or as a human being? If so, I understand your predicament and can help you in your quest for true love.

Click below to learn more about what it’s like to have a male dating coach who can help you find the quality men in a sea of shallow and disappointing ones.

 

www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/group-coaching/focus.php

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Comments:

  1. 321
    Dana

    More beautiful and intelligent a woman is, more frustrated men want to hurt  , humiliate and leave her.  They choose beautiful, good heart  women to abuse, be violent with and eventually desert them. Or simply they ask them out and soon , humiliate them. Others,attractive guys with a mentality like this, make the good, beautiful girl fall in love  and then leave her, on purpose. They do it, cold blood. Some, extreme cases, rape them, kidnap them or worse. It’s well known by criminalist experts, mentally sick men always choose beautiful, smart women (college girls for instance), they rarely choose average girl, almost never ugly girls.

    Only superior men would appreciate a beautiful, intelligent and good woman and would not be intimidated and frustrated by her beauty and brain. Superior men are few and cannot be with all good women that deserve them.

     

    1. 321.1
      hunter

      dana, there is a very powerful, two letter word, that starts with the letter ‘n’ and ends with the letter ‘o’………’these women have to learn to say…..

  2. 322
    oy

    I really didn’t like the part about sex be rightfully important to men. In the sense that he made it seem that you have to give them at least some kind of sexual favour for him to still be interested in you… He doesn’t have a right to my body, and he will have to win my heart first before I want to go further. Yah maybe he is “decent” but I would not appreciate anyone expecting me to trade sex for his further interest in me. As far as Im concerned he is being a jerk and  can leave if he thinks like that.

  3. 323
    melissa99

    People don’t quite understand what it’s like to be a pretty woman in this messed up society. The only men that are trying to get with you are already married or in relationships and that’s because you somehow meet them while they’re already taken.   The single and taken   men are insecure jealous and scared of hot women.

    As a super beautiful woman most men try to hurt me or treat me badly. Getting a boyfriend is really hard. You’d think men would be lining up to get with u it’s the opposite. They treat u badly and run away. Men are crazy.

  4. 324
    melissa99

    What Dana says is it!   That is spot on exactly what happens to pretty women in this society. the hateful men are all screwed up and just want to hurt humiliate and abuse them as a pretty woman that is all I have experienced. They reject mistreat and do terrible things to the really pretty women.

    1. 324.1
      Persephone

      Posts 322 amd 324 spot on! And don’t believe it’s only the men, Honey! The women do it too, perhaps out of jealousy. Right there in a woman’s presence when they think her head is turned, they’ll stand there and make obscene gestures to their guy friends, and the minute they think you’ve turned your head and might see them though act like oh what nothing’s going on. And that’s not because of reputation, either, those of you that might want to be misogynistic and say that kind of treatment comes from a woman who has a reputation of being promiscuous. That kind of treatment comes from a woman being pretty, regardless of how spotless reputation she might have. They can’t see past anything but the sex.

      It is juvenile.

       

  5. 325
    Jay

    I am an attractive black woman who haven’t dated in 6 years!   I own my business (which I withhold for future conversation), never been married, have no kids and well travelled. I stay fit and healthy and I get told I’m beautiful by many yet, I get nothing, zero, nada from men. I’m online dating right now and I will get hundreds of likes but get messages from men 10+ years my senior. If I don’t do the liking and messaging to start a conversation with men 30-40 years of age, then I won’t talk to anyone. When I message these men they have nothing to say. These men conversational skills seem to be severely lacking. I ask questions and they reply with two to three words and most of these men never ask me questions back. How do men think they will get to know a woman if they don’t ask questions? I don’t limit myself to just black men. I’m open to all ethnicities of men but, I will admit that I tread lightly because I not sure if these men are interested in black women. I am at the point now that I will say online dating isn’t for black women. This isn’t a good time to be single…rant over! Lol

    1. 325.1
      Persephone

      Jay this is funny because at least 50% of all the men that contacted me are black. They’re either 22 and ready to show me photographs that are not appropriate, telling me they have 11 inches they can satisfy me with, or they are 65 years old and up.

      1. 325.1.1
        Jay

        Persephone, at least I don’t have to worry about those types of things happening lol. Older men do message me about all that they will do for me.

    2. 325.2
      Tyrone

      “I get nothing, zero, nada from men.”

      ………

      “I’m online dating right now and I will get hundreds of likes but get messages from men 10+ years my senior.”

      You are getting a lot. You just don’t like the men you are getting it from. I got a whole lot of nothing on OLD. Not a lot of what I didn’t like. I mean a lot of actual nothing in my inbox.

      “These men conversational skills seem to be severely lacking. I ask questions and they reply with two to three words and most of these men never ask me questions back. How do men think they will get to know a woman if they don’t ask questions?”

      Women do the exact same thing. I think there are just many people that are no good at conversation  anymore

      “I don’t limit myself to just black men. I’m open to all ethnicities of men but, I will admit that I tread lightly because I not sure if these men are interested in black women. I am at the point now that I will say online dating isn’t for black women.”

      Could be. But you were getting hundreds of likes and messages. Sounds like it could be worse. When I did OLD there wasn’t a single day that went by where I didn’t view a profile stating a specific disinterest in black men. And I have been told it it my face plenty of times in real life. I’ve gotten the “not black enough” comments from a fair number of black women as well.

      I think a lot of folks over-estimate themselves. I am exceeding average. Average height, average weight, not wealthy but I do ok, live in a modest size house in the suburbs, and have kind of a middle of the road personality.  Years ago, I didn’t view  this as an issue. An average woman sounds great to me.  I just want her to have what I do: a job, a place to live, self sufficiency, no young children, have teeth, no lazy eyes, and be a reasonable weight. But it seems like everyone wants to date up. I had a female friend who at 5’6”, 327 lbs. told me that she was “average sized” because there are lots of women that are WAY bigger than her. She also noted that men look way gross when they are fat so no big men for her. A friend of a friend told me that any man that dates her needs to have a car. Nothing wrong with that IMO. Except that she didn’t have a car. Once I was talking to a woman and she just wanted to let me know that she didn’t date black guys. Fair enough. The conversation continued and led to hear talking about how the men that try to date her want to have more kids. She wa tired of it and not interested , as her 4 young children were enough for her. I said that I could understand that. Different strokes. I told her that I had been having some issues because I don’t wish to date women with young children. Apparently that was a super offensive thing to say and she was very displeased.

      1. 325.2.1
        Persephone

        It’s really gross for someone to come right out in the open to a black man 2 say they’re not interested in dating a black man. Just like it would be really gross to say to a woman that you wouldn’t date her because of her lazy eye. Maybe that would be the truth, but you shouldn’t really come right out and say that. I can’t believe women would come right out and tell someone they weren’t interested in dating a guy simply because he was black. I guess I have seen it enough on Evan’s message boards that people are going to be horrible to each other. My goodness gracious hasn’t the black race been torn down enough, without articulating that openly as being a reason that you don’t want to date someone. In case anyone wonders, I am not black. But I do notice. Folks, especially in the dating world, be kind.

        1. Tyrone

          @Persephone

          Eh. Honestly it doesn’t bother me terribly much anymore, though younger me tended to take it much more personally. I figure doing it without stating it/doing it while stating it are exactly the same. I think I made a post on one of the blogs listing some of the reasons some women had specifically told me they we rejecting me: same name as an ex, don’t drive a truck, not muscular enough, not tall enough, among others. I just look at it as something that just keeps me from wasting  any more of my time on that particular woman. And while their statements may not be tactful, I can at least somewhat appreciate their honesty. At least I know where they stand.

          I have never had to tell a woman I won’t date her because of a lazy eye. I think I was about to try and talk to a woman and noticed a lazy eye maybe twice in my life.  I chose not to follow through after noticing. But I know that is a hang up I have. And in the interest of attempting to put my best foot forward, I never put things like that on my OLD profiles. But I figure folks that do put things like that in their profiles are attempting (poorly imo – I never liked the profiles that listed things people don’t like/want) to save time by weeding those folks out.

        2. hunter

          Persephone, I agree with you, at 50, nationality doesn’t matter….

           

      2. 325.2.2
        Jay

        Tyrone, I do believe people over estimate themselves too. Growing up with a mother like mine, I know my faults lol. My mother is very honest with her child so as an adult I am honest with myself. Like you, I want the basics, job, own place (doesn’t have to be house), car (I’m in Houston and a car is needed), I do prefer no kids but I’ll date a man with older kids but I do have a limit of 2 kids only. He doesn’t have to be as well travelled as I am but, he can’t be afraid to fly. The only requirement that I have is that I don’t want to date a man who’s been divorced. Being 35 I know the challenge that places on me but, it is important to me because of religious views.

        I view a ton of profiles to make sure men are open to black women. Some don’t list black, while others say no preference. I think a lot put no preference because they don’t want to feel bad about themselves but I get it. When a see a black man leave out black on his profile, a little piece of me break down. But in 2017 it’s no surprise so I’m learning to not get into my feelings about someone else’s preferences.

        1. Karl R

          Jay,

          A car isn’t needed in Houston.   I’ve lived in Houston since 1988, and until 2014, I didn’t drive.   (My license expired, and I didn’t bother to renew it until about a year or two after I married my wife.)

          Houston’s mass transit leaves a lot to be desired, but it’s fairly easy to get anywhere inside the 610 Loop, and it’s possible to get almost everywhere inside Beltway 8.   It’s by far the cheapest way to get to either airport … and cheaper than parking in either downtown or the med center.

           

          I’m not saying that you need to start dating guys without cars. There aren’t that many men in Houston who reach middle income or upper income without bothering to get one.   But I do encourage you to regularly challenge all of your preconceived notions of who might be a good match. (Even though, as you are well aware, most of your potential dates won’t change their preconceived notions for you.)

        2. Marika

          Jay

          I get the sense that you believe you don’t have many deal breakers, but from my reading, you actually have a lot. I’m not sure how expensive Houston is, but renting is very common in many cities. Some are also confusing. I’m not sure how a man can be not divorced but have kids. Then you’re restricting your pool to single men or those who’ve had their marriage annulled? Or men with up to two baby mamas is preferable to a divorced man? And the kids have to be older, but the guy’s only mid 30s?

          I think ‘the basics’ you list aren’t basics at all. I’m a similar age to you and if my list were that restrictive, my dating pool would shrink greatly. That could be your issue.

    3. 325.3
      hunter

      Jay, no date in 6 years?….hire a dating coach….

      1. 325.3.1
        Jay

        Hunter, let me say that I haven’t had a relationship in 6 years. After my last relationship, I went 2 years without a date. I finally got 1 date with a man. After that date I went about a year without a date until I met another guy who I made it to date #3 with and he told me it was for sex. Needless to say, I stopped talking to him. It’s now been 3 years since I’ve even met a man to call my friend. I got a message last night from a man so, I’ll see how that goes.

        1. Tyrone

          @ Jay

          I feel you. I haven’t been on a date in quite a while myself. I made the decision to take myself out of the dating game for a bit. The last few dates I went on consisted of a woman that that was just looking fro a free place to stay, a woman that stood me up on my birthday to go back to her physically abusive ex, then called me back after he beat her up again, and a woman that lied about her appearance before we met.

          I typically don’t go the route of friends first. It’s never been a positive experience. They would either hang out for a while and then fade away when they met someone, just fade out anyway, want me to pay for our “friendship outings”, ask me to do a bunch of favors, and complain about shitty men that they choose to date.

        2. hunter

          jay, if you want more business, see a dating coach…..more than once…

      2. 325.3.2
        hunter

        tyrone, see a dating coach….

         

    4. 325.4
      Tara

      I too am a black woman and I agree with what you say about online dating. Black men don’t even approach me at all in person or online. (I’m darkskin like naomi campbell tone) only old white men approach me. Or white guys who “don’t want to be in a relationship but have never been with a black woman and want to experience what its like”. You don’t want a girlfriend but youre on a dating site. And its always a lie, they end up with a basic pumpkin spice drinking girlfriend not to soon after. They just say that to get my time and attention without having to commit to actually being with me. So now when a guy says that I don’t even entertain the idea of them anymore.

      I suspect older white men only approach me because they’re old enough to have the confidence to do so. But again, no one wants anything serious or a relationship. They just want physical/ego boost or racial fetish. Everyone wants to go out with me but no one wants to be with me if you know what i’m saying. I’ve given up, because its not a few guys, its not once in a while ITS EVERY SINGLE GUY I’VE EVER DEALT WITH. I’ve had one real relationship in my entire life and it was never about love for him. I was just an ego boost.

  6. 326
    Stacy

    Really pretty women tend to have higher standards in general. I think that is where the issues lie. I know I am ‘above average’ in looks because I hear it ALL.the.time.   Funny thing is, I get even MORE attention dressed down than really dressed up. Yeah, men tend to be suspicious of women that look a certain way unless he is a certain way himself.

    However, I realize that it wasn’t my looks that were in my way, but because I got asked out soooo much, I started having higher and higher standards on who to date.   When I realized that what would make me happy would be an ‘average’ guy who treats me really, really well, I started looking at average guys who treated me really well. That’s how I landed my man. He is average in looks but wayyyyyy above average in terms of how he treats and respects me. I find it hard to believe that a beautiful woman can’t find an average dude who makes at least a decent living as a boyfriend. It’s when you’re looking for the men who have way too many options because you have too many options is when you get in trouble.

    1. 326.1
      hunter

      stacy, so, I have been told, most women can find a marriage partner, as soon as they drop most of their requirements…

    2. 326.2
      Jay

      Stacy, omg my standards lol. Sometimes I think they are too low and I try to give everyone a chance because it’s so hard for me to date. Doing that is more out of desperation at this point. The only other thing for me to do is to become a H-O-E which, won’t be happening. I don’t get it! I am fun and easy going. When I’m out men look at me the whole night and if I catch him, I smile to signal a yes but they run off. I once read that men love bitches lol. So maybe I need to be one of those lol.

    3. 326.3
      Tara

      I literally have no standards beyond dude being a nice person. I took a guy out on a date and he still ghosted me. He just wanted the sex and when it didn’t happen never heard from him again. You don’t have to be rich or tall or this or that just be into me and be nice to me. But all i get are guys who want to have sex and its weird because I don’t put that out there. I don’t dress skanky, i don’t have casual sex, my conversations aren’t inappropriate. But all i attract or guys wanting to have sex!

  7. 327
    YoYo

    This article is complete BS, I’m so sick of the narrative that WOMEN need to change,   lower standards, take in the accountability of sad wanna be “men”. Yes, being pretty and attactive can be an intimidating factor but none of that has anything to do with an asshole with asshole motives treating her bad. And she isn’t to blame for that either!   Good MEN are good men regardless of outside influence in the same way a heartbroken person doesn’t become a murder.   Start telling males how to be better men tha telling women how to adapt.

  8. 328
    Ines

    Bruh…..was all with you until you said the pretty chic doesnt have the same problems as the fat chic !?!?! You lost me there. Im overweight, and pretty. Those two things are not an oxymoron despite your closed minded opinion. I have the same problem as this poster. There are many beautiful overweight women who have this proble . Men hit on them all the time becuase they find them attractive, but only want to bed them as they do with me. I have men buy my gas, do grand gestures to get my attention, offer money to date me, love bomb me, ect…but I later find these men are usually narcs or eums who just want to bed me( which I dont give in) use me as a trophy until they are bored, or use me to build their confidence to flirt with many other attractive women. I am not shallow, and give everybody a chance becuase i look at charachter, and not looks, but even then the struggle is real to find an available emotionally healthy guy that truly wants me for me.

  9. 329
    ellie

    I would like to add that I have had a similar experience. People often tell me I am very attractive, beautiful, … blah, blah. what is excruciating is the hatred you get from other women, almost as if they enjoy seeing you hurt. I keep second guessing my acts, trying to make myself look even better or even try to date guys that are not attractive or have a certain issue. It provides the same result. it’s quite astonishing to see how the person who was clearly shaking on the first date grows cold!

  10. 330
    Diane

    In search of answers I ran across this post, although my daughter is not really in the dating game she is a teen but she is beautiful, outgoing, athletic and smart.   She is constantly getting attention from guys and girls and adults.   She is not seeking this attention it just comes naturally both good and bad attention.   Right now she is heart broke because even adults make snide comments about the attention she gets even when she truly has an accident that brought attention she was accused of being attention seeking when believe me no one is purposely getting hurt and being sent to the doctors office and having to pay a big medical bill etc just to get attention.   That is absolutely crazy.   As I said all this naturally comes to her and she is perceived as a bitch to most people but quite frankly they have made her like that due to their comments and accusations.   Her boyfriend of 9 months is breaking up with her because he cannot handle the attention she gets from others.   He is a cute average guy, not what someone would consider a model or anything.   Like I said she is heart broke and angry because of it.   Other girls just absolutely hate her for no reason at all because of the attention she gets.     She is constantly approached every where we go even the grocery store and constant compliments of her from not only guys but people and genders of all ages.   She is depressed, I do not want her to to stop caring about her self and her body, what she looks likes or wears because others are idiots.      She is sad because of all this.   She could be wearing a paper sack and she would still get the attention.   She gets numerous contacts from hot model type guys to the not so good looking dorky guys.   She ignores most of them but it still does not stop them from wanting to talk to her.   I have tried to teach her to be nice and cordial to all.   She even did not get chosen for a specific team 2 years in a row I believe due to her social attention that she gets not due to her skills.   I know this sounds so petty but it is real “pity the pretty”.

    1. 330.1
      Persephone

      @Diane:

      “….accused of being attention seeking”

      This is only one example of many things they accuse attractive girl of being guilty of. Just read the comments throughout this conversation on what they say. It is just like if someone had a lot of money: Do not flaunt your riches because it makes people envious. She probably already knows this, but I know a young woman who is quite attractive and sadly she puts suggestive photos of herself all over social media. However a pretty women will be victimized no matter how she acts.

  11. 331
    Tara

    I 100% can relate to this.   Being attractive just means people want to have sex with you for their own ego but no one has the confidence to date you. Especially as an attractive black woman I get approached by alot of white men who simply want to experience what its like since they’ve “never been with black woman” but they never want to date. Its all just physical. This is exactly why I have a no sex before monogamy policy now. They either ghost you because you don’t have sex or give the “i don’t want a girlfriend right now” excuse and show up a week later in a relationship with someone most ppl would consider ugly or plain when compared with you. You’re personality is irrelevant because all they want from you is the ego boost your looks provide.

  12. 332
    Kathleen

    I liked reading this. I think it writes a good narrative about the culture we live in. I would think though that this is more like problems in our culture-we turn people into trophies basically. It reminds me of a girl who was dating a teacher and said “well I could be dating an investment banker”-pish! Is that what’s important? I don’t even think it was the money per se-maybe it was really about the status.

  13. 333
    Tara

    Wow, this article is so accurate! I am a pretty girl and get approached by men all the time. Never ending dates, hard to tell who is sincere and who is not. It’s not easy being pretty. Gets old after awhile. I’m 35 and I think I found a nice guy this time around. I wondered for the longest time if something was wrong with me. Men always say I’m beautiful but that’s as far as it gets. Lots of men get nervous around me, I don’t think I’m that beautiful. Then again I see myself daily so I don’t know!

  14. 334
    Nikkinikkinikki

    So the advice is to sleep with him and just see? Terrible advice… Be a bitch. Men like it. Those pretty women that got married did because they forced the issue.

  15. 335
    Teri

    Elsewhere on this blog, Evan, you advise women NOT to sleep with a man until ‘he’s your boyfriend’. Here you say that after 5 dates a man will rightfully go elsewhere if he doesn’t get sex.

    Which is it, please?

    Or should only the very attractive give it away early?

    Thanks

    1. 335.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      This blog is 11 years old. This post was probably written 10 years ago. Regardless, the concepts remain the same and are not mutually exclusive.

      If you don’t get physical at all, men will feel unattractive and stagnant. If you have sex too early without commitment, you run the risk of becoming the easy booty call.

      That’s why I recommend that women lead men around the bases, so to speak, to fan the sexual flames AND to hold off on actual intercourse until you’ve determined he’s worthy and willing to be your boyfriend. That could happen in 5 dates or 5 weeks. The point is that men can still feel like they’re making progress while women can feel safe before engaging in intercourse.

  16. 336
    Teri

    I find it’s the damned if you do, damned if you don’t thing. If you are friendly and chatty, you’re either a flirt or full of yourself. If you’re quiet, you’re arrogant. If you’re single there must be something wrong with you, but if you are with someone, surely you must be cheating. Oh, and would you please cheat with me?
    I am getting older now and I hope that helps me sort out the good from the bad, both through experience and because I am no longer such a trophy, but to be honest I have no idea where to start with men as every interaction I’ve ever had with a man has been either shallow or dysfunctional.
    It does not help that I am fairly (quite) intelligent and quite (fairly) talented in other ways. I find I have to hide my interests and talents too, because then I appear over-confident, but if I don’t assert these things, I am seen as just a pretty face….Or at least I was. Sigh.

  17. 337
    Catherine

    Evan – This article might be 10 years old – but it might be the best article you have ever written IMHO, and I have been reading your blogs and advice for at least that amount of time. That person “hunter” on the other hand… most offensive useless comments I have ever read. Someone should block him.

  18. 338
    Frustrated in love

    I relate to this.  I wouldn’t classify myself as beautiful but I’m pretty in the sense that I attract male attention very easily.  I get asked out a lot and I’ve never been on a first date where I haven’t been asked out on a second, but I still can’t secure a relationship.  Some people mentioned in the comments that pretty girls are picky, I know I am picky but not in a superficial sense.  I have been in a bad relationship and I know that the loneliness you feel in a bad relationship is far worse than any loneliness you ever feel single.  I feel very frustrated.  I hate dating apps – it’s easy to get a million messages and dates and guys telling you how amazing you are, but I’m also smart and creative and fun.  I like to think, read, learn.  It’s rare that I do genuinely like a guy, but when I do, I fall hard.  And usually then is when they start to pull away.  It’s incredibly frustrating.  All my girl friends keep saying ‘You’re gorgeous, you’re smart, you’re fun – you’re the whole package.  Don’t settle’. But I don’t know what happens that after a couple of months, the guys I like always fade into oblivion.  Guy friends who have known me for years also fall for me so I don’t think my personality is the issue, but for some reason, I just can’t find someone who I really like who also really likes me past the first couple of months.  Every guy I date seems to fall hard and fast, but then disappear when I actually like them back.

  19. 339
    Richard

    I can see this being a real problem for attractive women. The most sexy/beautiful/hot. Whatever you’d call her. Woman I had ever seen in person at the gym was a ghost. None of the guys even talked to her. I’d see her workout often. At times right next to me. Then one day I just looked at her. Gave her a big smile and said “Hey that’s great. That’s the most I’ve seen you lift on that exercise ever.” She was shocked. After that she would follow me around. Always working out near me. I’m just an average guy. No big muscles or abs or nothing but that girl was so into me. Nothing came from it because I have no interest in sex or getting into a relationship with every woman I see or talk to. I genuinely enjoy just talking with people. Too many women take it the wrong way and pursue me.

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