The REAL Reason You’re Still Single

There are two big problems in dating.

1) You don’t want the people who want you.
2) The people you want don’t want you in return.

Now, take a look at those two problems; which one do you think you can change?

Most of us take the futile route of trying to change the second one – “How do I MAKE him like me?” “I’m exactly what he’s looking for!” “He doesn’t know what’s good for him.” But, as we’ve established a few hundred times on this blog, you can’t change anyone else’s thinking.

What you can change is YOU.

To be fair, it’s possible to “make” someone like you by becoming a more desirable catch – there’s no doubt that a man who earns more money, gains more confidence, and gets more experience will have a more positive dating life. But he’s not actually CHANGING women. He’s only changing himself.

But increasing your dating options can be a risky proposition, at best. Men can’t always make more money. Women can’t always lose weight. And as easy as it is to talk about gaining confidence and experience, most folks would rather sit on the sidelines and complain that the people you want don’t want you in return.

This is a waste of time.

In fact, the easiest remedy for an ailing love life is to want the people who want you.

In fact, the easiest remedy for an ailing love life is to want the people who want you.

It is anathema to suggest this, of course. Any conversation about opening up to more potential prospects leads us down the slippery slope to settling. And as the furor about Lori Gottlieb’s Marry Him proved, nothing pisses women off more than the suggestion that they may be somewhat responsible for being single.

But, to be crystal clear, it’s not just women.

There are tons of 38-year-old male Ivy-League educated lawyers who just can’t find a single woman good enough for him. These guys, who are, like me, probably 7’s in looks and 9’s in intelligence, just can’t help but to go for women who are 9’s in looks, but 5’s in emotional intelligence/compatibility.

One of the things that I’ve often thought is that none of these men would marry someone like my wife, even though my wife is – objectively – just about the coolest woman on the planet. They’d have the same objections I did: a little too old, not a Harvard grad, blahblahblah.

The reason I’m bringing this up is that I made a CHOICE to find an amazing partner and create an amazing life – and all I had to do was give up that IMAGE that I’d had of dating a woman who was Just. Like. Me.

If you’re single, and never find anybody “good enough,” chances are that you do the exact same thing.

Today, I’m calling you out.

Because if you’ve been dating this way for 5, 10 or 20 years, there’s something that you’re not seeing.

And that something is this:

If a 42-year-old man says that he’s ONLY attracted to 9’s and 10’s who are in their late 20’s, that’s fabulous. But if NONE of the 9’s and 10’s he covets are interested in him in return, it only makes sense that this man needs to recalibrate his dating options. 6’s and 7’s are readily interested in him, but he doesn’t find them attractive enough. Without knowing this man, I think it would be clear that he’s overestimating himself. If he can get only 6s and 7’s in looks, he’s probably a 6 or a 7 in looks himself. Therefore, if he ever wants to get married, it would probably make sense to start appreciating the 6s and 7’s and choose the one that he’s most attracted to, who shares the same values and can be his best friend for life.

I’d think it would be hard to argue with that logic.

So should it be any more controversial if we flip the genders around?

If you think you “deserve” a certain kind of partner … and yet you’ve NEVER gotten him, you need to start considering another kind of partner.

If the 38-year-old woman MBA who owns her own condo, runs marathons, and can complete the Sunday New York Times crossword only likes 9’s and 10’s… but those same men always a) prefer younger women or b) ultimately break her heart because they’re egotistical, selfish narcissists who only want younger women and aren’t ready to settle down… should she keep holding out for them? Wouldn’t it make much more sense to marry one of the devoted 7’s who think she’s the bee’s knees?

Apparently not.

Because that would be settling.

And settling is bad.

Therefore, all of these amazing men and women remain single indefinitely. Because They. Will. Not. Settle.

They would rather tilt at windmills, trying to acquire a partner who DOESN’T want them, instead of realizing that the BEST partner for them is the one who WANTS them and VALUES them and thinks THEY are a catch.

And the culprit in all this? Our unrealistic expectations – of how we see ourselves – and of what we expect of our partners.

If you price a candy bar at $100 and there are no buyers, you need to lower the price of the candy bar.

If you think you “deserve” a certain kind of partner – not just someone who is rich, hot, and brilliant, but a rich, hot, brilliant partner who STICKS AROUND – and yet you’ve NEVER gotten him, you need to start considering another kind of partner.

The key is in letting go of the image you’ve been holding onto. Because real relationships aren’t about credentials; they’re about connection. And I truly believe there are thousands of people you can potentially be happy with… if only you didn’t have such a rigid idea of what it looked like.

Last night, I was coaching a favorite client, Katie, who is part of Love U.

Katie is 58 and never married. Of course. She never wanted to settle.

After rebranding her on, she’s getting a ton of attention and is being chased down by two men simultaneously.

Tom is the brainy, charismatic one who talks about himself incessantly, sends template emails, and hasn’t followed up in a week.

Bill is a fun guy, makes her laugh, is a great kisser, and has followed up for four dates in two weeks.

Katie wanted to know how to make Tom like her and how to get rid of Bill. When we dug deeper, I learned that she was embarrassed at the thought of introducing her friends to Bob because he wasn’t as “sophisticated” as her other tony Connecticut friends.

I asked Katie, point-blank: Are you attracted to Bill? “Yes”

Real relationships aren’t about credentials; they’re about connection.

Do you have fun around Bill? “Oh, yes!”

Is he consistently good to you? “Absolutely. He’s crazy about me.”

So why are you trying so hard to run away? Because of what your friends think? Because Bill’s not what you’ve pictured in your head for 58 YEARS?

“Yeah, kind of.”

I’m delighted to report that Katie is going out with Bill again. And I wouldn’t be surprised if she “settled” her way into an amazing relationship.

By thinking you’re “better” than everyone who wants you, you’re eliminating the greatest source of love around – the person who wants you! And you may be surprised to find that you can be EXTREMELY happy with someone who doesn’t meet your preconceived image of your ideal mate.

I certainly have been.

Did you find this post thought-provoking? Challenging? Insightful? Then be sure to check out my eBook, “Why He Disappeared – the Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever“.

Join our conversation (304 Comments).
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  1. 181
    pisces girl

    Forgot to edit the article before posting it -sorry:)

    He stayed just as cute and went on to make  partner at a prestigious accounting firm.

  2. 182
    John Bogulski

    I’m a 41 Year old single man I see no problem whith being single I’ve been to meny weddings whith my parents I’m carefree I can do what I want when I wanna do it when I wanna do it I don’t answer to any single female I answer to myself it’s great cause I don’t have a clue what I wanna do Other then going for walks I’m the longest single 41 Year old man I never was in love nor well I ever be I did have a Crush on a women whole in school she wanted baby’s I wantednothing to do whith it it was just a crush nothing more although she wanted me I did not feel the same about her no interest what so Ever I broke up whith her a Year after I finished school.Am I Board at times yes but I don’t feel any love

  3. 183

    this was the best article I ever read. I’m 34 and I’m still attracting men who have the education and success level I want but …. They don’t have the looks I want. The ones that have the looks I want don’t have the stability I want.

    I just realized how many 6’4 extremely handsome doctors out there. And those that exist are probably married. And if they’re single they probably want someone who looks like a model. I need to be realistic. I’ll let you know when I’m married! I think it will be soon now

    1. 183.1
      karen o

      I think a man wrote this…as a way to mock women’s standards. No way is this real.

      6’4 extremely handsome doctor with the education & success level you desire (guessing it is very high)? Uh huh….women don’t think this way; it’s what men fear women think, or what they tell themselves women are like to avoid self-examination (“I’m single cuz the woman all want tall doctors!”).

  4. 184

    Well for many of us good men still looking for love which has become very difficult for us since so many women these days are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, and very greedy, which has a lot to do with it now that many women have their careers and won’t settle for less. Many women do want rich men nowadays since it is very obvious that they will never go with a man that makes much less than them since many of the women today are making much more money than many of us men do. So this is a very excellent reason why so many of us men are single now which we really can’t blame ourselves at all. If i was lucky enough to meet a woman that makes much less than me, i really could care less. For many women today it is very sad to say that it is all about money for them, and many women these days choose money over love which it is a real shame.

  5. 185

    The 2 guys that I have in my life are. (That like me and i like them) 10’s. Dark and handsome. One tall and one a little shorter. Both very successful entreprenuers, attractive, charismatic. One about 30, the other 22. One travels around the world for his job and the other a professional dancer with entrepreneurial things on the side. Problem is that they have lots of women that throw themselves at their feet.

    One said “wow, you must have a lot of guys that like you.” i almost laughed but didnt…because here its like dating is dead and guys expect the girl to do the chasing. It’s hard when you’re a little more dorky than all the hotter women that like them haha….it makes me a bit nervous so I might just try to find people a little less desired by women. And they might be a bit too controlling…so it makes me wonder if it would be a healthy relationship.

    I know I can attract these types of men, the problem is that the area where I live there isnt much of a chance of meeting new ones. I live in a smaller city which is more of a retirement place. And most of the guys if they stay here after highschool are weird usually. I don’t like judging people but they are, they’re not men, but mama’s boys and they’re not high quality.

    When I went to california for a trip, guys were constantly eyeying me and if I initiated some form of conversation with them I know they would go on a date with me quickly.

    But here people are so weird the culture is weird. I feel completely undesirable, even though people say that guys check me out constantly., because i know that if i even talked to them it would take an enourmous amount of time and talking to even get one to budge and ask me out. They also seem to like more talkative life of the party type of girls…which I’m not at all. It’s like the guys expect the women to chase THEM. I don’t do that, unless I really must, but I think that’s why I’m able to attract guys who are more confident and manly than all of the mamas boys here that wish they could have me but are not man enough to do anything about it.

    I haven’t had one decent date here with those types of guys. How sad that the only guy that has asked me out in the last two months was a semi retarded man! I am very pretty!! And NO guys are asking me out. It’s like this weird culture of…”oh lets just hang out.” no! Thanks, I’d like a date. Lol

    And the girls that DO get dates are all extremely popular from highschool….sigh….

    I just feel so undesirable when they’re getting two or three dates a week and I’m here getting asked out by retarded people….no offence to retarded people…but when they’re the only guys to actually ask you out it’s really depressing!!

    Im almost tempted to just move somewhere else where the guys are better.

    It’s just awkward when more women are getting more dates than me, and I’m pretty amazing.


    1. 185.1

      OMG girl, you got it with the line “guys expect girls to do the chasing”. The guy I’m seeing…I have to do everything. I have to text him when I want to see him. I have to tell him what we’re doing. I have to draw information out of him. I know that he cares about me, but good god.

  6. 186

    Well. As a 4..and 54 yr old male. I now realize why I’m single.

    1. 186.1

      Welcome to the club.

  7. 187

    i enjoyed reading the article and in principal I agree. I’m a tall (6’8) educated guy who considers himself to be outgoing, funny, & athletic. I’ve been single for every one of my 33 years of existence. I approach girls all the time and never get dates so obviously no relationships. I don’t have a physical type and certainly don’t just go after 10’s, 9’s, 8’s, 7’s….girls don’t seem interested in me. When I observe it appears a girl may be interested but upon approach, nope.

    This article assumes somebody wants you, but this isn’t always the case for everybody. I’m not putting too much pressure on myself and happy single. I’d like to start dating and bring someone special into my life. Feels hopeless I’ve put much effort into it. Ugh

  8. 188


  9. 189

    Career women are the worse ones to get involved with, so i will just stay clear from them.

    1. 189.1

      I’m sure career women will be devastated to hear that you’re not going to date them Dave…

  10. 190

    Tom, do you understand that many women today are very high maintenance, very independent, very selfish, very spoiled, very greedy, very picky, and very money hungry, so why are you protecting them for when i really am right? Don’t you understand that we’re living in a totally different time today? The good old days are all gone when the good old fashioned women were around which came very easy for our family members that are still together today.  It was just too very bad for many of us that are still single and really wanted to settle down to have a family which is much better than being all alone and having no one to share our life with. I will say that many of us were just born at a very bad time. And i certainly don’t want to date a Career woman, and you’re right about that.


    1. 190.1
      Karl R

      Dave said:

      “do you understand that many women today are very high maintenance, very independent, very selfish, very spoiled, very greedy, very picky, and very money hungry,”

      Don’t date those women.  Date the ones that aren’t high maintenance, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky and money hungry.


      I am willing to bet that Tom10 has dated far more in the last several years than you have.  He has a far easier time dating than you.  I suspect that he dates career women (and non-career women).  And he doesn’t need a time machine to travel to the time when all your relatives were getting married.

      You might want to listen to his advice.


      Mike said: (in this thread)

      “Many women are just too very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, and very money hungry today, unlike years ago they were nothing like that at all since the times were really different back then which today many women are feminists which really makes it very hard to really meet a good one today.”

      And is there any reason that you changed your name from Dave to Mike between posts?

  11. 191

    Karl  R,  well if i really could meet a good woman that is not like i said which i would certainly have it made which i would’ve been all settled down by now with my own family that i don’t have today which makes it very upsetting for me when so many others were blessed by God to have that gift of life that i could’ve had myself.  And i will certainly admit that i really hate being single when i really should not be.  Peace.

    1. 191.1

      Maybe it’s worth analyzing why you seem to attract such unpleasant women. I mean there are many great women out there who do have careers and yet also want a family and are giving and kind. Just like there are housewives out there who unfortunately can be selfish and cruel. It’s less the choice of occupation and more the personality.

      So yeah, if others are able to meet good women out there who aren’t as you say, then I think you need to ask yourself why can’t you. You are, after all, the common denominator.

      I wonder if it’s a bit like that whole women liking bad boys thing. Yes some women end up with really unpleasant jerks, but the reason they end up with them is not because they like being with jerks, but because these kinds of guys give off an impression of confidence. Alas what these women think is confidence is actually arrogance, and they end up with a pretty horrible guy. But it’s the confidence that they are drawn to. So to such women I would say, “How can we get you a guy who’s confident but not arrogant? What clues can we look out for that are red flags?”

      So too it might be for you, that there are things you find attractive in certain women that upon getting to know them actually turn out to be negative qualities. Maybe you like women who really keep up appearances and are really on trend say (not saying you do, this is a hypothetical example), and that turns into vanity and self centered-ness upon getting to know them. That kind of thing.

      At any rate, I think instead of launching your hatred and anger outwards towards women (which does you absolutely no good and only makes you less appealing to women – women don’t like to date men who hate women), it might make sense to take a deep breath and do a little self reflection. We all generally from time to time need to do that.

    2. 191.2
      Karl R

      Dave said:

      “well if i really could meet a good woman that is not like i said which i would certainly have it made”

      First, there are good women all over the place.

      Second, you wouldn’t “have it made” even if you met one.


      Most women are good women.  They’re not like what you describe (except for being independent).  The only way you can fail to meet good women is if they actively avoid you.

      When I was dating (several years back), I met hundreds of good women.  Most of them weren’t interested.  Of the ones that were interested (whom I dated), many didn’t work out.  I married the one who did.


      I strongly suspect that if you and I attended the same social event, I would meet many good women, and you would meet none.  If my suspicion is correct, then I think that your problem has nothing to do with women … and everything to do with you.


      Regarding “independent” women:

      Independence is a great thing.  If a woman is independent, then she can leave a bad  marriage (particularly one where she is abused or neglected).

      My wife’s independence has no effect on my marriage.  My wife wants to be married to me.

      I can only see one reason why independence would impact a marriage.  If the woman wants to leave, but her lack of independence traps her in the marriage….


      So when you criticize women for being “very independent,” I get a really creepy feeling.

      And if that statement creeps me out, I can just imagine how women react to it.


      Callie said:

      “I wonder if it’s a bit like that whole women liking bad boys thing.”

      In this case, probably not.

      Based upon some grammatical idiosyncrasies, uncommon catch phrases and bits of personal history, Dave/Mike has previously posted (3-4 years ago) under the names jay says (here and here) and SpeakingTheTruth (here and here).

      I also suspect that he posted in that thread under several other names: David (#354), I Am Right Says, I Certainly Know, The Truth Is, It Makes Sense, The Real Answer, Michael (#689), and Reality.  Since those posts are shorter, I’m not sure about those posts.


      It seems likely that Jay/Speaking/Mike/Dave drives decent women away.  Three and four years ago I recommended some changes that he could make.  Apparently, he ignored much of that advice.  (He may have ignored all of it, but it’s a little soon for me to say.)

      In general, I would say that he dislikes women.  Period.  He has mentioned some exceptions — old-fashioned relatives who have been married for years.  Other than that, I’ve never gotten any indication that he likes women.

      1. 191.2.1

        Ah I did not know the history. Well that’s a pity. Hopefully maybe some of what I said will be helpful to him but if he really just doesn’t like women then there’s not a lot I can say, or anyone can do.

  12. 192

    Well the way that i look at it which there are a lot more women these days that are Gay which has a lot to do with my problem since i had a friend once that had his wife leave him for another woman which is very sad and disgusting the way i look at it which he was a very Good person. Oh by the way i love women very much but i keep meeting the real Low Life Loser ones which it is very sad for me since i am a very Good person myself that would just want to have a love life that i still Don’t have today which i have absolutely No reason to blame myself at all when i Didn’t do anything Wrong to begin with. And it really seems that many of you are ganging up on me which i really do have a right to my own opinion since i will admit that i do have very bad luck with women. I really don’t expect to have a woman Curse at me when i really wanted to meet this woman that i really liked a lot at the time about 2 months ago which never made any sense to me when i really thought that she was a good person at the time which really Shocked the heck out of me. So there are a lot of very sick women out there that act this way which i had a friend of mine that had this happened to him too, and he even said to me what is wrong with most women nowadays. The way i look at it is that many women just hate us men period. Peace.

  13. 193

    Why am I single? Poor bad life choices, hoping I’m skinny enough,  hoping I’m rich enough, hoping I’m smart enough. Hoping I’m funny enough.. (confidence issues)… In the end, all of these confidence lack luster traits I “hope” I have have left me “hoping”… And though hope can be a powerful thing, it is, at it’s core… Wishful thinking..

  14. 194

    Who’s  Bob who suddenly appears in the story?  All your numbers confused me:(

    Nice you’re telling me I’m a blood sucking,  bottom feeding leach?

    Because that’s the only men I ever find,  they get worse,  penniless,  jobless,  carless, houseless  – feeding off my goodness and hard earned bank balance! !


  15. 195
    Ms X

    I’m 38 and settling all the time and giving it 100% of the effort. Dating anyone available as my dates come with a maximum of two or three a year, and I have only had 2 half year long relationships before engaging in the current one.What do I have in return? A relationship I’m not happy with, and it will most probably not last as the guy doesn’t find me good enough to be his wife:( while I try to close my eyes on his shortcomings just to have someone:( I’m very onestly no longer sure settling is worth it:( there are people like me, not wanted in the dating world, no matter how much we try:(

    1. 195.1

      Ms X, I’m sorry to hear that you are having such a tough go of it.
      In my opinion, if a person is not happy in a relationship, they should consider leaving, as it isn’t positive for the relationship or fair to either themselves or the other person.
      You are doing much better than me on the dating numbers, I’ve had three in the past seven years, and it’s not from my lack of asking.

  16. 196

    This article makes a good point sometimes you have to open yourself up to possibilities in relationships. People aren’t perfect and an ideal person can still have their flaws. I don’t think a persons standard should be so rigid that they can never date outside of their type, but at the same time lowering ones standards and settling doesn’t seem like a genuine way to be happy in a relationship. You could end up meeting some one who you fall head over heels with who is the complete opposite of what you thought you wanted and that’s ok, but just saying well their are no educated guys so I’m going to go for a guy who doesn’t even have a high school diploma just b/c he’s there, doesn’t seem fair to you or the person you’re dating if you’re just taking them so you can have somebody. If you still secretly long for someone who you can have different types of conversations with. I think if you are single and waiting for your ideal partner to come a long stay true to your guns. There is a reason why that desire is there. Stay true to your heart and yourself. There is nothing wrong with having high standards and being single and content until the right one comes a long

  17. 197

    Just too many Gay women these days that are keeping us Straight Guys single today.

  18. 198

    The situation: I’m a 36 year old divorced male with no children. I’ve been divorced for five years, and have not had an intimate or long term relationship with a woman since my marriage.

    I am going to attempt the introspection that the author suggests:

    1. I lack confidence when it comes to women, and that is based on my own perception of my physical looks.

    2. I feel as though I’m not taken seriously by women when it comes to an intimate relationship. Plenty of female friends, but no girlfriend.

    3. I feel like I have a sense of humor that appeals to my male friends the most, and I feel like that’s a problem with my female friends.

    4. I’m genreally positive, but when I am negative I tend to be gloomy and depressed. I’ve had female friends in stitches laughing at/with me, and in tears because of my mindset and words on a bad day. Not that I’ve insulted them or were rude to them, but because I’ve painted a gloomy picture that they didn’t like, but unfortunately saw themselves.

    5. I think I’m hard to read. I feel like I wear my heart on my sleeve, but my interactions tell me differently.

    6. I’m stiff around young children because I’ve never been around them much. I feel like this makes me appear to lack “daddy abilities.” A lot of single women my age are mothers, and it honestly scares me to think I could be a stepdad. I wanted children when I was married, but now that I’m divorced I’m glad I didn’t have them. So, do I really want kids/someone else’s kids?

    7. I’m hung up on one female friend, and I have not been able to go farther with willing women because of my desire for her. She’s the only one I visualize a future with, and it is not mutual.

    8. I am accustomed to only looking out for me. I wouldn’t say I’m completely self absorbed or uncaring of others, but I have only had to take care of me in my 30s. I’m sure this must come off to others as me being selfish, so maybe I am.

    9. I’m self righteous and I probably don’t deserve to be. I try to do right by the law, societal norms, etc, but sometimes I end up in the gray of right and wrong.

    10. I often times talk myself out of going after a woman because I figure “she won’t like me, so why bother?”

    11. I’m my harshest critic. Coworkers and others see me as great at what I do professionally, but I am never satisfied with my work/production.

    12. I don’t feel like I give women enough compliments, and when I do I feel weird/awkward.

    13. I am probably looking for a 8+ when I am a 5-6. I hate the numbers thing, but it seems like it’s easier to get my point across here, and since the author did it – I’ll do it.

    14. I am stubborn and unforgiving. Proof of this is in broken relationships with exes, former friends, and family members. I refuse to be the better/bigger person if I feel as though I was wronged.

    15. I’m bitter, and it comes across. I feel slighted or wronged or overlooked all the time.

    16. I have no real talent or gift. I’m educated and fairly intelligent. I’m inquisitive and well traveled, but I don’t have that ONE talent that floors others.

    17. I’m not thoroughly romantic. Not compared to some of my male friends. I open doors for women. I cook for women. I have bought flowers and candy, etc for them. I try to show I think of them when they’re not around or when I’m out of town by picking them up a souvenir, but I don’t know that I make a woman really feel special.

    18. I don’t empathize very well with others. I hear them out, and my spoken words are compassionate, but in my mind I have a solution or am placing blame on them for their own poor choices/situation.

    19. I wait around for others rather than grab life by the horns myself.

    20. I feel like I was always tolerated, and not really wanted, and now that I’m in the mid-late thirties my close circle of people is small.

    Ok, fix me. 🙂

  19. 199
    Bernie B

    For white people, this article is GOLDEN! As a black male who grew up in a well-to-do white neighborhood in Texas, this article is trash.

    I grew up listening to punk rock, grunge, metal, hard rock, etc. There was a time when I despised rap music. I’m a classically trained musician, I watch a whole lot of Star Trek, and I’m obsessed with String Theory. Oh…and I LOVE the Houston heat. I enjoy being outside during our hot humid summers. With that in mind, I’m not gonna settle for a woman who hates almost ALL of those things (mostly black women). I’m perfect for a person who grew up similar to me (mostly white women).

    The problem: I can be an 8 or 9 in general, however since I am black, I am automatically placed in the 4-5 category. There are actually 3 studies that prove this fact.

    It sucks being everything women say they want, except for skin color. The one thing I have no control over is the one thing they dislike about me. I wish this article would speak on that topic…

    Anyways, here’s to all the single great guys who have taken great strides to improve themselves, only  to be rejected for a curse society brought upon them hundreds of years ago. I hate this racist world.

  20. 200

    Mediocrity is its own reward. Settle…never! I like myself just the way I am and if the women don’t like it…oh well. Like Bernie B, I improved myself in many ways. I simply am not going to bow to the world when others think they are owed. If I want a Cindy Crawford type, then I will wait. If she doesn’t show in this life, then I will wait for the next life.  I will never compromise my principles, values, morals or goals. Mediocrity is exactly what it is…mediocre.

  21. 201

    This Katz guy needs to write a whole article on how dentistry or lack there of is the reason why so many men are single.  Missing a tooth?  Get it fixed.  Horribly cracked, jagged teeth? Find an orthodontist.  Icky and yellow?  Bleach that shit.  That tongue you’re gonna want to put on my mouth or my body sits right near those things.  Fix them, straighten them, clean them, whiten them, floss them and brush them.  And, dental health is directly linked to heart health.

    1. 201.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Nope. No need to write an article. You pretty much nailed it with your comment. Thanks.

  22. 202

    I agree it seems harsh and artificial to openly rate people’s qualities based on scales; I have grapled with this ranking system too. But I think most qualities and even experiences with people do exist on a spectrum. With some, for me, the chemistry with naricisstic bad boys, the physical chemistry is a ten. With others, like you said, it’s just a no. But what this article made me realize is that the better match is with the person the chemistry is good with, who treats me well and is smart and successful. The article has challenged me not to be seduced and forever distracted by the chase of a guy who is reasonably beyond my looks, but who will give me a go and be in touch just enough to keep me on him, but has and will never commit. Instead I want to admire, love and recognize the guy who offers a balance of so much more, who has cherished me since day one.

  23. 203

    When I look at women I tend to look at how they are going look 10 years from now. Cause the last thing you want as a man is an unattractive women real spit.

    I feel like women age faster than man in general. My uncle told me get a girl 10 years younger at least. I believe him.

    And things i dislike  about women they talk to damn much unnecessary conversation like I care. I dislike the fakeness. Starting from eyelashes  to weaves n fake nails and makeup. I wear white tshirts uou know lol. Its repulsive. And what if I dont want a car and not into material stuff. I like simple beautiful women. As a man im not tryna date a voice raiser or someone that is trying to be like a man or dominate me because she thinks shes pretty. Or else I wouldve dated a man for gosh sakes  lol

    My opinion is women needs to be docile loving and caring. Man should be providers loving and caring.

    And for the 1 to 10 ratings every body knows a Ferrari is a 10 and a pontiac is a 4.  Come on guys not so hard to understand lol

    Hey i have swam into women. It gets boring. New flesh will always be better. Women can say the same as well I guess

    I think the best relationships are when you both have the same interests and lifestyle and so on. And for men, THE YOUNGER THE BETTER

  24. 204
    karen o

    Of course it is MY fault I am single. There is a point where anyone can probably find someone who wants them if they lower their standards enough. The question is where is it reasonable to lower the standards? The #1 thing that limits my dating pool is my religion. I am committed to marrying within my religion, which I center much of my time around because of a volunteer work I do. Frankly, I’d probably be ostracized by family/friends/my whole social world if I married outside, a fact that frustrates me. Outside of my religion, I have met plenty of attractive, interesting men I could probably connect with. But the differences in values & life goals is too big. And they find me attractive UNTIL they learn about my religious faith. It becomes a mutual realization that it won’t work, because a relationship is a long-term partnership which definitely affects your other relationships, lifestyle and goals.

    I know this is a CHOICE I have made, though. Within my religion I dated someone quite a bit shorter than me and someone jobless, divorced with emotional baggage & MUCH older. I felt I lowered my standards in some ways, and it didn’t “pay off”. It honestly left me a bit sour for awhile, and now I REALLY don’t want to settle in the ways I did before. I never had requirements before, and I think I was TOO open. But women outnumber men 2 to 1 in many religions (mine is no exception), and so having chosen a terrible dating pool, I thought I’d focus on “spiritual qualities”, which it turns out homely, divorced men don’t possess anymore than someone younger, never married and relatively attractive.

  25. 205

    So you are basicaly telling me that if im ugly, i should lower my expectations right?… lol, reality is too cruel… im not ugly but hell, girl i like is very pretty… not a 10, just a regular women but still shes attractive to me…

  26. 206

    I am a 37 year old woman.  I love on my own, work full-time, go to school online for a second degree, I don’t have any children, and I  have never been married.  I have been told I am confident, funny, pretty, and a great person to be with.
    What is my problem?  I have a physical disability.  It is such a non-factor in my life, yet, it is the first thing men notice.  Forget numbers of 1-10, I’m a 0 because gosh forbid a man date someone who may look a little bit different than the norm.  Many married men I know have said they are puzzled why I cannot find anyone.  The sad reality is, if they were single, they’d pass me over too.
    It is so frustrating because I’d love to become a wife and mother.  Having a disability, sad to say, takes you completely out of the running.  It’ truly breaks your heart.

  27. 207

    You do have a point, but for personal experience I can tell this is NOT always true! I am a 33 years old woman, a “6” in looks, quite successful and talented though, but I knew I wanted something “out of my league”: a guy with no kids, around my age, succesful, fun, talented, etc. Due to my attitude I spent 4 years single!!!….at some point I tried to settle with an “average” guy, but I was unhappy, things were too mild for me and I broke it up. I knew I deserved better. Then 1 day through online dating I met my current fiance, a “9” in looks, a “10” in intelligence, talented, professional, fun, and AMAZING man that cherish me, loves me and thinks I’m the most beautiful woman in the world (even though he’s way better looking and successful than me).  Now I look back and I’m happy I didn’t settle, instead I waited (it was a horrible 4 years wait) and now we are truly in love! But according to this article I should have settled long time ago…. Im happy I didnt!

  28. 208
    Yohali Brutus

    Firstly, not sure what this post concluded.

    Secondly, the first 3 sentences of the post are a reality for most. The way I see it, its one of those normal things in life that goes hand in hand with wanting what you cant get. Should you settle for someone who wants you that you dont want back? Nope! No matter how good-guy, good-looking, wealthy, stable, etc he is. If your heart is not there, it is not there.  One day however, there will come a time when you stop acting on what your heart wants and go rather for what your mind tells you. Experiences will change your thinking, priorities will change, you’ll begin wanting different things that you didn’t want before; it wont be “settling” any this point because you are not going on “love” but on *practicality/ convenience (for lack of better words).

    Conclusion, theres a time and place for everything. Dont ever settle. Life has a way of working itself out and when it doesnt, well then, thats the real bummer.

  29. 209

    Im a 31 year old lady who looks  21 lol hard to beieve i know but im always mistaken for one the (young girl age wise ) lol now all my close girlfriends are in committed realationships , are all happy NO some the things they settle for i diffently wont . I rate myself an 8 in looks an body , I live at myself have my own business ect..


    Anyways i hear myself saying “I’m not settling for less then i deserve an i belive i should have the best . I have tried dating who wants me but there so desprate to date anyone cause there lonely alot dont have there life together , there depressed ,some are weak and weak isnt attractive also having fun with them yes sometimes but then it comes to the touchy part it grosses you out an I mean , they try to kiss you your like ewww no! (in your thoughts) or tries to touch you , your immidate reaction is dont do that and 80% of them still cheat and lie!!!  so all in all i believe some of what your saying is insightful, 


  30. 210
    Been there

    The market value analogy is very derogatory, people aren’t product, you can’t describe them in terms of 7s 9s 10s etc, it’s not expectations that’s the problem, it’s the attitude that people are anything less than human.

    Every woman I know who has settled is utterly miserable, one is looking to have an affair, another is separated, another won’t even discuss her relationship and the nicest thing she has to say about him is “he treats me well”. It’s different for women, they need to connect and feel desired by someone they find desirable otherwise there is no incentive to stick out the rough patches and that’s where it all comes unglued. A man will not be respected if he does not posess the qualities the woman is looking for (which dating site nonsense aside is different for every woman who is level headed and sees men as people not a bank balance or arm candy), women now work as well as run a household but what have men done to improve themselves since this has happened? Men need to step things up by looking at what women really want from them instead of imposing what they think women should want, they need to stop making womens decissions for them and ask! There is still plenty of room for men in womens lives but the critera has changed, they need to be good men who address womens emotional and social needs rather than just their practical ones. Women are spread very thin now juggling career and home, a man who can pull his weight and unburden some of that load is going to get a lot further than one who loads up her plate with even more work but without attraction he’s just a “nice guy”.

    Most online have a checklist, the way the sites are set up encorages that way of thinking, but if you were to put someone who didn’t tick any of the boxes in front of them and they were attracted to them all that would go out the window. Personally the usual stuff doesn’t make my list, I evaluate based on past dating experience, I seek out people who bear a resemblance both on a physical level and a social one to partners that I have successfully dated. I cannot date down because I’m treated with suspicion and I can’t date up because frankly as far as online dating goes there is no up, most of the top ranked profiles fall down either in physical attraction or in attitude, I’ve seen a few online that I’ve met in person previously as an acquaintance of my social group and sure they might be nice to look at but they were insecure try hards, careless, arrogant, we were always shaking our heads at the things they’d did. Things are not as they appear online, you’d be foolish to show up to that with a checklist because profiles are put together by the people trying to sell themselves, they could sound amazing on paper and be a complete bore in person.

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