(Video) The Reason You Attract Men Who Treat You Poorly

(Video) The Reason You Attract Men Who Treat You Poorly, ~Contact.FirstName~.
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At this point I hope you’ve had the chance to read the Love U Pyramid of Love.

Many of you wrote back to tell me how much those lessons resonated – and how painful it is to look back at all the crap you’ve put up with from men.

But there’s a big difference between realizing you’ve acted insecure in the past and understanding how to correct that behavior in the future.

That’s what I’m here for.

And what I love about my readers is that you are not shy about asking me to address what’s on your mind the most: how to identify good men and get rid of bad ones. Recent emails to me include:

  • How do you decipher the men that are looking for a real relationship vs. the ones looking for a one-night stand?
  • How can I be sure the man that comes on strong is a man is not a player and wants to build a relationship?
  • Why didn’t he felt connected with me since he showed signs of being in love?
  • What makes men commit to some women and not others?
  • How do you know when you’ve met the “right” guy?

Believe it or not, there are answers to all of these questions – and I’m going to share them shortly.

But I’ve gotta tell you: as a dating coach, I probably do the same thing that you do every day: observe common patterns and try to make sense of them.

Doctors do this. Lawyers do this. Finance people do this. Teachers do this. Dog trainers do this. We look for behavioral patterns and adjust to them.

Tell me if this pattern sounds familiar to you:

You fall for a guy based on chemistry and common interests.

He makes a great effort to charm you, seduce you, and win you over.

You get your hopes up.

You let down your guard.

You fall in love.

You later discover that he is selfish, abusive, critical, or unwilling to make a long-term commitment.

And while it seems obvious that you should let him go, you end up staying because it’s so rare for you to find such a unique and powerful connection with a man.

The longer you stay, the sadder you get, the more time you waste, and the more you convince yourself that it’s impossible to find true love.

The problem is that you don’t want to give up.

You don’t want to be alone for the rest of your life.

You want to live happily ever after.

You want to know the answer to one vital question that will determine your future:

“How can I attract better men and get the long-term relationship I deserve?”

As I said in the Love U Pyramid of Love, before we can talk about finding a husband, I think it’s valuable to walk through a few of the steps that come before marriage.

  •       Confidence
  •       Meeting Men
  •       Dating
  •       Understanding Men
  •       Relationships
  •       Commitment

That’s a lot of stuff – and you don’t have to figure it all out right away.

Today, in advance of my big Love U launch next week, I’m going to continue your free education with a video that answers 3 common dating questions centering on confidence:

How can I make a man feel needed without being “needy”?

Why don’t I ever meet any quality men?

Why do I always seem to attract unavailable guys who treat me poorly?

I’m especially excited to share the first tip about being needy. It points out what you’ve already observed in men:

If a guy is too aloof, it’s hard to feel emotionally connected to him.

If a guy is too needy, it makes you want to run away with him.

So the best way to create true intimacy – for both men and women – is by being VULNERABLE.

So the best way to create true intimacy – for both men and women – is by being VULNERABLE.

Click here to watch the video, and when you’re done, please share your biggest takeaways in the comments section below. Thanks a million.

By the way, you’ll notice there are 3 Relationship Tips that are visible but greyed out.

Patience, grasshopper.

Those will be revealed to you in a few days once you’ve had a chance to process these.

Warmest wishes and much love,

Your friend,

Evan

P.S. You want to know if this Love U stuff works? Ask Jules.

Evan, I want to thank you SO much for everything that you do. I really believe that it was a driving force behind me having the relationship that I’ve always wanted. I was divorced, never dated much before, and read your “Why He Disappeared” eBook in one sitting. It really changed things for me. I finally understood why that guy I went out with on 3 amazing dates never called me again, I finally understood why that guy I had been texting for over 1 month never asked me out. But here is my favorite part, I STOPPED GETTING UPSET ABOUT IT. Okay, I was a little hurt, but not like I was before, and I didn’t let it stop me or hold me back because I KNEW there was going to be another guy out there.

Also, I stopped trying to lead the relationship. I finally learned to let go, stop being SO invested in every single date and started to have fun with dating. I’m being honest when I say I had TONS of fun dating. I learned to focus on being playful, just having a great conversation with a man, and stopped appearing so desperate.

That’s when he found me. The love of my life. All it took was a few email exchanges on an online dating website, and before I met him I made a conscious choice to try to be myself; this meant I did not get super dolled up for our brunch date but went looking “cute” and friendly and open. He was not my type at all. He was the same culture and religion as me, which I told myself I would never do, and he was not my type physically at all. But this time was different. I decided to focus on how he made me feel and give it a chance. And let me tell you, he makes me feel like no other man has ever made me feel. Safe, wanted, loved, cared for, special, funny, desired. What I also realized is that when I am being completely and utterly myself (like the way I am with a best friend; nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to be fake about), he is even more crazy about me.

He always told me when we were first dating that he thought I was a “cool girl” and let me tell you, it took a while for me to get there!! I was a nervous girl, a not so confident-don’t know-what I’m doing-girl, but you gave me confidence, Evan. I knew that I should focus on the way he makes me feel and I should focus on making him feel good too (quizzing him on our 3rd date on whether he wants to ever get married would NOT make him feel good, so I didn’t do that, asking him why he didn’t call me one or two days out of the week when he called every other day was NOT going to make him feel good, so I didn’t do that either).

I also learned that it is OKAY for a woman to say what she wants or is important to her in a matter of fact way, and the guy can either take it or leave it. If the man cannot or does not want to provide that, it is up to the woman to decide if she still wants to be with him. After 2 years of dating. I dropped a “hint” and sent him a picture of a ring and told him should he ever consider it in the future, that was my style. A few months later he proposed with that exact same style of ring I sent him. We are getting married on a beach in about 2 weeks now, and I wanted to thank you again for all the work you do. It truly, really, makes a difference. It helped me become the woman I wanted to be (and always knew I could be) in a relationship; confident, open, giving and receiving.

THANK YOU EVAN!!!

-Jules

P.P.S. You’ll notice one of the video tips echoes the same advice as my Pyramid of Love. That’s intentional. Repetition of core ideas is essential for your learning and I really want you to get clear on one key concept: you don’t actually attract bad men!

Click here to get three priceless dating tips that will bring out your best when you meet men.

 

Join our conversation (447 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 381
    Adrian

    Sigh… Evan may get mad at me for doing this and I know Marika and Emily are going to pounce on me as usual BUT

    Noone45 why do you have to tint all your good comments with negatively?!!

    You said, “I’m not saying I think all his [Evan’s] advice will work for everyone. It won’t help me much. In fact, I’m sure he [Evan] wouldn’t even try [to help]”

    Why would you say this about Evan???

    Is he not allowing you to read his materiel for free?

    Does he not answer letters as well as sometimes come in the comments sections to personally answer questions instead of charging for it or demanding people sign up to something?

    Is he not giving more free advice with less ads then many other dating/relationship people and sites out there?

    How is he NOT helping you now?

    Did he once say that his advice, products, or services are only for, as you say, “blonde, young, white, thin woman without kids who have never been divorced?

    Evan has helped thousands of women (and men), who were probably worse off than you. Even if he hasn’t, why not be the first? Or at least ask for his help before assuming he’s going to reject you.

    And finally I’ve seen Evan debate and chase away potential clients in numerous post through the years because he was DEFENDING women who were minorities, overweight, divorced, were single with children, were older, etc… Evan is a good man, he wouldn’t deny helping a woman simple because of the reasons you mentioned.

    …   …   …

    And before I’m pounced on for this comment I am NOT attacking Noone45, I’m pointing out why I disagree with that statement.

    I’m just tired of people coming on this site attacking Evan and his character while benefiting from his free material and the open community he built.

    And Marika I get it “I’m being too literal” and “I’m addressing comments that were not aimed at me,” yes yes, don’t worry I am hardly on the site now so you don’t have to worry about me or my comments. But didn’t that comment from “V” which bothered him so much that it caused Evan to write an entire post and even bring in his wife not make others want to stand up for Evan when we see someone falsely accuse him?

    Anyway Noone45, this was just how I interpreted your statement, if you did not mean the comment that way then I apologize and you can just ignore it.

     

  2. 382
    Emily, to

    Mike,

    Sex with clothes on kind of seems to me to be like…reduced-fat ice cream. I’m not sure I consider it to really count. The skin-on-skin contact is the best part!

    There are no rules. You posted that you lose the sense of anticipation if you’re certain that sex is going to happen. No better way to kill anticipation more than to do it the same way every time.

  3. 383
    ezamuzed

    @Evan
    I’m afraid to ask, EZ, but what part of my advice is flawed and will cause women to suffer heartbreak?
    If it’s telling men that she doesn’t have sex until she knows if he’s worthy of commitment, then I can assure you: it SAVES on heartbreak, it doesn’t cause it.
    The part of your advice to woman to tell some men “that she doesn’t have sex until she knows if he’s worthy of commitment” but then at the same time have uncommitted sex with other men.

    My biggest problem is that when she tells anyone: “that she doesn’t have sex until she knows if he’s worthy of commitment” any reasonable person will assume that she means all men. So she is effectively lying (or at least lying by omission) to the very people she wants a relationship with. And IMO lying is a terrible way to start a relationship.

    As for the heartbreak, in any healthy relationship things like prior relationships and sex do come up in everyday conversation. And if the lie is revealed somehow then what? I think a high enough percentage of men would be hurt and offended by the lie that some of these relationships would end. Relationships that would have otherwise prospered if instead the advice was to tell all men: “that she doesn’t have sex until she knows if he’s worthy of commitment” If she needs uncommitted sex then have that when she isn’t dating to find a committed relationship. 

     

    1. 383.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      My clients DO mean all men. And even if this is a new development for her, it’s none of your business. Same as if she asked you about all the mistakes you made in your past. Why is this so hard for your to understand and accept?

  4. 384
    ezamuzed

    @Noone45

    Telling women not to bang men if they are not comfortable in a situation where this guy could be sleeping with other women is bad advice? I mean, I’m not this guy’s evangelist, but that seems like a silly thing to say.

    It is a silly thing to say. I didn’t say it or anything of the sort.

  5. 385
    Noone45

    Adrian, chill. Really, I was defending Evan. Most people could see that. I was not attacking his character.  I’m simply stating I have way too much in my way for the guy to be of assistance.  I was being facetious in my comment about not being blonde, etc.

    In the living of one’s life,  you need to be aware of what makes things harder and what makes them easier.  You can’t understand until you walk that path. In no way have I attacked the author, I have simply stated the circumstances of my life don’t make finding a partner easy, in fact , it may be impossible.  For most women, his advice is great.

  6. 386
    No Name To Give

    Adrian,

    I don’t for a moment profess to speak for Noone, but romantic relationships are not meant for everyone, even though we enjoy the repartee and advice Evan gives. I’m not attacking you, but I get where Noone is coming from.

  7. 387
    SparklingEmerald

    EZ asked “The part of your advice to woman to tell some men “that she doesn’t have sex until she knows if he’s worthy of commitment” but then at the same time have uncommitted sex with other men.”

    Sorry, I missed the part where EMK advised women to have uncommitted sex with other men. Could you please provide a link to where he said that ?

  8. 388
    No Name To Give

    Ezamused,

    You’re worried over something that, in all likelihood, isn’t even happening. More than one woman here has told you this. Most women are not wired to compartmentalize sex as do men. This is not a secret or anything new. Just because EMK takes the stance that he does, doesn’t mean women are all of the sudden going to start having hook ups behind your back while making you wait. What are you going to do, enter a relationship and assume she is? Hire a private eye to track her movements? What’s your plan?

  9. 389
    Mike

    Emily #382

    Sure. But I was saying what I personally find more and less appealing. Of course it is different for everyone.

  10. 390
    Tron Swanson

    Evan,

    I don’t think it’s a waste of breath, and there are female posters here who are far more negative than I am…but, your blog, your rules. I’ve had a lot of fun posting here, and I’ve even learned some things. I have no regrets or complaints.

    I suppose I am opposed to your work, in a sense. I’ll go continue that opposition elsewhere. Contributing to a community, helping men who have had similar struggles, that sort of thing. Your clients will have to work hard to avoid all the guys we’re sharing our wisdom with.

    The last few years of the “gender wars” have been extremely interesting, and I look forward to seeing how it all turns out. I like the direction things are going in.

    I’ll sign off by wishing everyone here luck in navigating those gender wars, male and female posters alike. Tron out!

    1. 390.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      There ARE female posters who are far more negative than you are, Tron. You’re right. But this is a blog for women who want to have successful, long-term monogamous relationships with men. The women who hate men and think everything is misogynist? I run them off, too, because they’re not contributing to the mission. I do wish you well and hope that you can take some of what you learned here about women and bring a better sense of balance to the MGTOW world. They need it as much as the angry feminists do.

  11. 391
    ezamuzed

    @Evan

    My clients DO mean all men. And even if this is a new development for her, it’s none of your business. Same as if she asked you about all the mistakes you made in your past. Why is this so hard for your to understand and accept?

    Then we actually agree! It is so hard for me to understand because this is the very first time you have addressed the concern about your advice directly.  That you do NOT actually actually advise woman in this way.  I’ve been bringing up the same concern in every one of my messages.

    Concerns about the past, the amount of time it gets to sex, double standards regarding sex, men going their own way, women telling all men they have to wait, etc.  Not a single one of these things I have brought up before but somehow you have associated them with me.

  12. 392
    ezamuzed

    @SparklingEmerald

    EZ asked “The part of your advice to woman to tell some men “that she doesn’t have sex until she knows if he’s worthy of commitment” but then at the same time have uncommitted sex with other men.”

    Sorry, I missed the part where EMK advised women to have uncommitted sex with other men. Could you please provide a link to where he said that ?

    This all started in the comments of another post:

    https://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/online-dating-tips-advice/the-end-of-friends-with-benefits/comment-page-2#comments

    In particular after comment 40. You can see where @Evan is suggesting that this is part of his advice. I ask him to clarify a few times in comments, he responds but never directly to the question. 

  13. 393
    Marika

    ezamuzed

    Can I suggest you write in a detailed question or contact Evan about this separately? You’ve more than made your point and we don’t seem to be getting anywhere.

  14. 394
    SparklingEmerald

    I didn’t see him directly advise women to hook up with men they are casual with while making the guy they really want wait. I saw him saying he doesn’t worry about it, and advised guys to do the same. In response to guys like you and YAG who obsess about a woman’s history. Nowhere did I see Evan say “Ladies, get naked with a guy and do everything but intercourse until he agrees to be your boyfriend. Then when he leaves, call one of your boy-toys friends with benefits and have sex with them”. I think that was a scenario that you imagined in another post (or maybe it was another poster), but I never saw Evan directly advise women to sleep with their FWB’s while making potential boyfriends wait. He just advised guys to stop obsessing about it.

  15. 395
    Emily, to

    Mike,

    Sure. But I was saying what I personally find more and less appealing. Of course it is different for everyone.

    So you have to get completely undressed every single time? You never hop in the backseat of the car and pretend you have to stay partially dressed in case you get interrupted by “the law”? Left-brained people don’t get off on stuff like that, do they?

  16. 396
    ezamuzed

    Marika
    Can I suggest you write in a detailed question or contact Evan about this separately? You’ve more than made your point and we don’t seem to be getting anywhere
    Why? I got exactly what I have been trying to get. Evan clarified his position on his advice which was what I was asking the whole time.  Besides this and a response to SparklingEmerald I’m done with the topic.

  17. 397
    ezamuzed

    SparklingEmerald

    I didn’t see him directly advise women to hook up with men they are casual with while making the guy they really want wait. I saw him saying he doesn’t worry about it, and advised guys to do the same. In response to guys like you and YAG who obsess about a woman’s history. Nowhere did I see Evan say “Ladies, get naked with a guy and do everything but intercourse until he agrees to be your boyfriend. Then when he leaves, call one of your boy-toys friends with benefits and have sex with them”. I think that was a scenario that you imagined in another post (or maybe it was another poster), but I never saw Evan directly advise women to sleep with their FWB’s while making potential boyfriends wait. He just advised guys to stop obsessing about it.

    When I question the woman who said they were doing that Evan was supporting them. When I asked if that was was he advised a number of times and he never said he did not.

    I and I believe YAG never obsessed about the past. If we obsessed about anything it was about the present.

  18. 398
    Emily, to

    Marika,

    Do you find it strange that 2 male posters who claim to have girlfriends and happy relationships are OBSESSED with this female sexual issue even though it isn’t a problem for them right now? Why the outrage? Is it to stand up for their fellow brethern?!   🙂   It makes no sense.

  19. 399
    SparklingEmerald

    So because Evan didn’t specifically slut shame women, for this behavior , that is the same thing as him advising them to do it ?

    BTW, your little fantasy example of a woman getting completely naked and having “outer-course” with a guy she wants for the long term, and then immediately calling her FWB to have sex, is just that, a fantasy. I suspect that’s a very rare occurence.

    While women here admit to a fling to relieve their lonliness while they search for Mr Right, I don’t recall any poster on here saying that she participates in the behavior you described (having “every thing but sex” with one guy, then immediately calling an FWB to have full sex) and I have never seen EMK adivse that.

    Also, (and I know many of the females aren’t going to appreciate this), I think there is the “sour grapes” effect going on when women claim they only had sex with a guy because they DIDn’t want him for the long term. Sometimes women (not all women) sleep with a man HOPING it will lead to a long term real relationship, and when it doesn’t turn out that way say “Oh well, I didn’t really like him anyway, I was just using him for sex.” I have actually had girlfriends be very excited about a new guy, and then when the sex with no follow up call happened, suddenly they didn’t really like him anymore.

    Evan advises CLARIFYING “sexclusivity” BEFORE sex, and not just HOPING for it. He doesn’t specifically advise having a harem of FWB’s to have full sex with while making Mr Right “wait” for it. He tells guys like you to stop obsessing over it, and doesn’t slut shame the handful of hypothetical females who do so.

  20. 400
    Yet Another Guy

    @SE

    “Also, (and I know many of the females aren’t going to appreciate this), I think there is the “sour grapes” effect going on when women claim they only had sex with a guy because they DIDn’t want him for the long term. Sometimes women (not all women) sleep with a man HOPING it will lead to a long term real relationship, and when it doesn’t turn out that way say “Oh well, I didn’t really like him anyway, I was just using him for sex.”

    Interesting….

     

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