When Did Guys Lose All The Power In Dating?

Dear Evan,

I’ve been reading your blog for a long time now and most of the comments are great to read as well. The one thing that bothers me a little is the sense I get from your posts and the comments that men have all the power in the dating/relationship game and it’s always the woman chasing the man for a date/relationship/marriage/babies/etc.

As an early 30’s male, I struggle with dating. It hasn’t been all bad, nor am I saying that I’m unattractive or in some way undesirable enough that I can’t get any woman to like me. I’m an average-looking (perhaps above average-looking) guy who isn’t very tall (5’7”). I do like to think that I have a lot to offer, including a good overall personality and sense of humor, but for some reason I tend to go out with girls who are ‘masculine’ like in their dating personalities (afraid of commitment, wants to date multiple men, A-type personality.) A lot of times I can get a girl to be initially attracted to me, but for some reason it never lasts. The girl almost always ends up telling me that she “doesn’t know quite what it is, but it’s just not there.” This frustrates me because I’m left confused, not knowing what it is I’m doing – or not doing – to turn these women off. I don’t think I’m being too clingy or anything like that. I have this feeling, though, that I’m being too ‘nice’ and not having enough of a masculine energy to sustain attraction in these women. Btw – most of the girls I date are from JDate, and no – I don’t only go for 9’s and 10’s.

I can’t be the only guy who goes through this stuff and I’m kinda tired of this stereotype that guys have all the power in the dating world. Do you have any words of wisdom for me?

Jay

 

Dear Jay,

Even though I bill myself as “dating coach for smart, strong, successful women,” 25% of my clients were “nice guys” for the first six years of my practice.

Smart, strong, successful women need to soften up.

Nice guys need to man up.

In fact, if I were to think about it, I have a lot in common with both my male and female clients. I’m the “smart, strong, successful” type myself, and I have the flaws that often go with that archetype — I’m driven, opinionated, bossy, critical, and difficult. At the same time, I’m a nice guy. I was the lovelorn teenager who’d befriend all the pretty girls in high school but didn’t lose his virginity until sophomore year of college.

So I have a real understanding of both sides and how each needs to make a few subtle shifts to have more success in love.

Smart, strong, successful women need to soften up.

 

Nice guys need to man up.

 

But the prognosis is good for you, Jay. You’re easier to help than many of the women I work with. I’m not making any judgments, of course, but objectively, it’s easier to find a wife for a 32-year-old relationship-oriented man who doesn’t need to date 10’s than it is to find a husband for a 43-year-old woman who wants her own biological children.

Where to begin in the space of a 1000 word blog post?

Let’s start with your mindset.

You nailed it. You’re not giving off a lot of masculine energy. And women (especially smart, strong, successful ones) want a man who is MORE man than they are.

I hearken back to Dr. Pat Allen who said, “If you tell a man what to do and he listens, he isn’t a man.” This is not a call to arbitrarily be more obstinate, but rather to have your own opinions and convictions. Make decisions. Take control.

(To the women reading this and saying, “YES!”, that means you have to LET him take control and make decisions, not micromanage him to doing what YOU want. )

Once you put a woman up on a pedestal, she’s immediately looking down at you.

Next, Jay, I want you to check out a book. It’s called “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover. I read it to understand Nice Guy Syndrome and thought it was spot-on. He points out that being “nice” is a pathology and a form of martyrdom that is highly ineffective, and somewhat manipulative. As such, you can’t “nice” your way into a woman’s heart, but you can be a man and still be extremely nice.

I’d like to think that my wife thinks of me this way.

In any case, pick up a copy of the book here on my bibliography page.

 

Finally, I want you to keep in mind my Pedestal Principle, as outlined in my Finding the One Online audio series. It states:

“Once you put a woman up on a pedestal, she’s immediately looking down at you.”

And that’s the thing that nice guys don’t quite understand. You think you’re being good to her, but she loses respect for you because you have no balls whatsoever.

That’s what happens when you’re a pleaser and you’re not being pleased in return. A power imbalance results, and you never recover from it. I’m willing to guess that this has happened with most of your girlfriends who’ve dumped you. They had the power, you lost the control, and the rest is history.

In a healthy relationship, there’s a mutual respect — a respect that’s earned with having your own convictions. Men with convictions have a LOT of power in the dating game — as evidenced by the hundreds of thousands of heartbroken women who read this blog.

But you’re right about how frustrating it is — you watch a bunch of selfish tools use women for their short-term gain — and you wonder why they’re attracted to those men. It’s because they’re confident, unpredictable, and they don’t have all the control.

So what do you do now?

You make the immediate shift that SHE’S the lucky one in the relationship and that it’s up to YOU if you decide to be exclusive or get married. This is the exact same thing I tell my “nice women” who have given away their power to men.

And once you learn to say no and stand on conviction, you might be surprised when women start treating you differently — like a man, not a boy.

You’re the catch. You’re the commodity. And the right person is going to get that and hold onto you for dear life. If he/she doesn’t value you and want to commit? Fuck ‘em.

Move on.

It’s called the Power of No. And once you learn to say no and stand on conviction, you might be surprised when women start treating you differently — like a man, not a boy.

Good luck and thanks for the jolt of testosterone in today’s mailbag.

By the way, I do still work with a handful of motivated male clients.

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Comments:

  1. 81
    Mickey

    @Ronnie Ann Ryan:

    You’ve got to be kidding!!!

    You said: “There’s someone for everyone.”    I have just one question: WHAT PLANET IS THAT??? It sure as hell AIN”T this one!!!

    How much money have you made robbing people with that phony BS???    

  2. 82
    judy

    I agree with Evan.   If a man or woman can’t be bothered, stuff them and next!

  3. 83
    Aaron

    I am going to be honest and perhaps a bit of a prick (but honest) and say that the majority of men and women on this forum and in the world are idiots. We must live in a fucked up world indeed, if the only way to impress a lady is to act like a prick or act like someone you’re not. I am one of the unlucky ones who suffer from this so called nice syndrome, but I was led to believe, that in order to succeed in relationships and indeed life in general, is to be YOURSELF. I am slim, fairly good looking have a stable job and only 155cm tall. Yet for some reason, I cannot get a date, which is quite frustrating. I am going assume that the reason that I can’t attract women is because I am small. I have read lots of online dating profiles as well as many discussions about this topic, and the one thing that many women have in common, is that they would never date men who are short because they find it unattractive. I keep hearing women bitching on TV and in online forums, how that there is no decent men out there. But that is incorrect, we are there, but the problem is, they are setting the bar way to high. They all seem to have an inflated view of themselves, and that they deserve nothing but perfection in a partner. Like I said, I have read many profiles and the standards are by far ridiculous. Frankly I am surprised that women have not included ‘must shit roses’ to the list of desirable qualities. Believe it or not, I am actually a very nice person, who has a lot of positive energy, but the way the dating world is set up these days, as well as women’s attitudes, just makes my blood boil. Evan, I do not agree with anything you have said, except this; if women can’t see what a catch I am, If they can’t see what I have too offer as a potential life partner, because of their prejudices, or ludicrous standards, well fuck them. They deserve to be alone, they deserve to be with the arseholes that they seem to attract.

    1. 83.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Sorry you don’t agree, Aaron, but maybe you’d have more success with the opposite sex if you listened to what others had to say. Your problem isn’t your height. It’s your lack of confidence, your negativity, and your destructive worldview. A woman’s bar isn’t too high if she doesn’t want to date you; there are lots of decent looking stable men who ALSO have confidence, self-awareness, and no victim complex.

      1. 83.1.1
        Aaron

        Hey Evan. I think that you have the wrong idea about me. Firstly, I am very frustrating with the whole dating scene and what I said, I just had to get of my chest. Secondly, (believe it or not) I have a lot of respect and confidence towards women and people in general. I’ve tried dating sites and I socialise quite a bit. I have on many occasions approached women to conversed with and to ask them out on a date. But they all turned me down. I am an intelligent, confident, kind-hearted, down to earth bloke and yet, women won’t give me the time of day. And yet, women our complaining that they can’t seem to find any decent guys. I don’t expect for every woman that I meet should want to go out with me or fall madly in love with me, but it would be nice if some of them would give me a chance. All I was trying to say in my last post, is that maybe, just maybe, their standards are too high. I really do believe that people in general, need to have a hard look at themselves and realise that they are not perfect and that they should not expect their potential partners to be perfect either.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          We agree that people need to look in the mirror. The difference is that I tell that to both genders. You’re saying it to women but not doing it yourself.

      2. 83.1.2
        Aaron

        I am glad we both agree that people need to look themselves in the mirror. I am talking about my own personal experiences, which is why I say that women should wake up to themselves. I have no doubt that men are just as shallow as women are. You were right in your previous posts, in that once upon a time I used to have confidence, and self image issues. But I looked myself in the mirror along time ago and realised my true potential and self worth. I know that I am not perfect, which is why I focus on someone’s good qualities rather than superficial appearances. I just wish everyone else did this as well. And I know that I am not special, I know that there are many men and women out there who are in the same situation as me and are finding it difficult and frustrating trying to find a partner. My first post was more of a rant because I was angry, and I apologise for that. But the message that I hope to get across to people reading this, is that it is ok to have standards. If you know what you want, there go out and get what you want. But I think it is important for men and women to be realistic and not set the bar too high, otherwise they might miss out on meeting someone truly remarkable.

  4. 84
    LW

    I think it’s generally true that women prefer guys to be confident, assertive and to exude a more masculine energy. However, there are a minority of women who prefer more submissive guys and men who prefer more dominant women (both in terms of overall personality and also sexually).

  5. 85
    The realist

    The elephant in the room is female hypergamy. The vast majority of women pursue the top 20% of high status men. These “alpha males” are the only men who win in the online dating world while women erroneously believe that ALL men must be similarly winning when that simply isn’t true.

    Think of the story of Cinderella. Every woman at that ball was competing for the attention of one man – the prince. The prince could only choose one woman which meant that the other women would then probably settle for the man that escorted them to the ball. Online dating is the same, except that women are so entitled today that even women past their prime turn a cold shoulder to average guys.

    Contrary to the nonsense you hear, most men aren’t pursuing 8s and 9s, but just ordinary agreeable women. Most men don’t expect women to buy them a house, pay of their credit card and student debts etc… Men love idealistically while women love opportunistically.

    Just remember Cinderella, the vast majority of women can relate to Cinderella whereas hardly any men can relate to the high status prince. Hypergamy is why you lose at online dating.

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