Where Do I Meet Single Men If I’m In My 40s?

I am 44 years old and entering the dating scene again for the first time in 25 years. Where do you go to meet someone at my age? I am not doing the online singles sites…that is just scary to me. I don’t go to church. I am new in town, with a few happily married friends.I have four grown who are trying to set me up (I love them, but what a nightmare!!). What do single people do at 40 and over? So much of my time was taken up with caring for someone else that now I just don’t know how to fill that time. Any suggestions?


Thanks for highlighting an important principle for women over 40 seeking love:

You will not find it unless you do something differently.

You said it yourself. You’re new in town. Your friends are married. You don’t go to church. You won’t date online because it’s scary.

It’s about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That’s what I do for my clients every single day.

What do you expect me to tell you? No, really. What?

Every day I get emails from women who want one-on-one dating coaching but don’t want to try online dating. I tell each one the same exact thing:

“If you’re dating a few men right now and can guarantee me that you’ll have at least one date a week for the duration of our time together, we can start coaching. If not, what exactly are we going to talk about for 12 weeks?”

They usually come back with a “Well, I thought, as a dating coach, you’d have some ideas on meeting men. Isn’t that what dating coaching is all about?”

No, that’s what articles in Marie Claire are all about:

“The Ten Top Spots to Meet Hot Guys!”

Here, I spared you the trouble of Googling it: The 14 Best Places to Meet Eligible Men

Without giving anything away, Loriann, here are the actual places that have been recommended by a site called AllWomensTalk: the bar, the market, online, church, the water cooler, newspapers, college, friends, the gym, restaurants, work, vacation, parks, airplanes.

Where does this leave you? Apparently, it means standing around a lot, hoping that a cute, age appropriate, interested single guy happens upon you at the bar, the market, college, the gym, restaurants, parks, and airplanes.

So if it’s not already abundantly clear, dating advice is not about WHERE to meet men. It’s about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That’s what I do for my clients every single day.

As to where you meet men, yes, there’s one place that’s more effective in making introductions than 100 visits to Whole Foods and Art History class combined.

It’s called Match.com, it’s open 24 hours a day, and it costs a lot less than getting on a plane and hoping to sit next to a 45-year-old eligible bachelor.

…if you won’t go outside your comfort zone, I can pretty much assure you that nothing’s going to change.

I highly suggest you get over your fear of online dating, not because it’s perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but because it’s ubiquitous and effective in creating opportunity. Rather than dip your toe in the water and give up because you’re intimidated, I highly encourage you to check out Finding the One Online, in which I hold your hand through the entire online dating process, from getting over your fears, to choosing a website, to writing a profile, to flirting with men and so on.

You don’t have to be single if you don’t want to be, Loriann. But if you won’t go outside your comfort zone, I can pretty much assure you that nothing’s going to change.

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  1. 121

    In my first month on OKC, I was stalked (by the first man to whom I gave my cell phone number), sent unsolicited dick shots by four men, received so many copy/paste emails I lost count, had to block at least six men for aggressive sexual messages (after I asked them to stop sending such), and got dozens of inquiries from much-younger men who were looking for a cougar to bang. I also got many messages from men who couldn’t write or punctuate a coherent sentence and obviously did not read any of my profile (like the parts about being pagan, vegan, and NOT being interested in hookups). Got the angry, abusive kind, too (one called me a b*tch on the third message because I didn’t give him my phone and address so he could come over and #[email protected]& me). After the initial flurry, things calmed down, and now, three months later, I’m only getting the occasional dick shot or scam message. 
    Yes, that was fun.  
    It did not give me a favorable opinion of online dating.  

  2. 122

    Mmm, so interesting. Have to say, I did step out of the comfort zone a number of times and do internet dating. Found it incredibly demoralising and disappointing. If this is the only option for us over 40s, I’m going to be sad and lonely. The virtual dating world is a peculiar beast. If it works for you, good for you. I’ve hated it.

    1. 122.1

      I’ve met a bunch of 50-year-old women through one site or the other who are all very nice. But at a guess they’ve raised the bar as they have gotten older. They’re all waiting to be dazzled, and I don’t think any of them would consider dating a mere plumber, no matter how gracious and informed about world events he was.

      They just ain’t hungry. My wife was, years ago, and that’s why today I have all this … stuff, good stuff, including a college-bound daughter who right this second keeps texting me about her damn laptop, and the cat with a bee sting or some damn thing. (I don’t care about Windows 10!)

    2. 122.2

      Vera & Cate

      With all due respect, what’s the point of these comments? What are you offering – fear and negativity…Why? You’ll just scare people who are considering online dating off and make them feel hopeless. If you’re not reading this blog with an open mind, what’s the point?

      Also, did you read the post? EMK gives you a solution to your fear and bad experiences, to use his program to optimise your online dating experience. I’m 3/4 of the way through it now, and I’m finding it really useful (as well as fun!). Maybe you’re making some of the mistakes he discusses. I know I was.

      And what’s with all the comments about safety? If you want to be 100% safe – don’t leave your house!! I’m sure more people get hit by busses than killed by strangers they met online. Actually, you’re not even safe in your house..I read somewhere that a huge number of people die falling out of bed! (maybe with someone they met online..;0 )

  3. 123

    My experience as a single guy was that most of the women I met had no trouble finding available single men if they tried. As part of my search for a lady I went to ballroom dance classes. I noticed that for every woman there were nine men. I played social tennis, same ratio applied. I went to evening classes, virtually no.women no matter what the subject.

    Maybe my experience was unique, but most men I talk to say that women are looking for George Clunie who works as a doctor and with settle for nothing less. Interestingly a survey of 2000 American women rated 80% of the men on a large dating site as “below average”. Interestingly now that I am happily married for 15 years women find me much more attractive than when I was single.

    So I have taken a long time to say, go out there, don’t be too unrealistic, and have fun and you should have no problem finding lots of attractive men.

  4. 124

    @evanmarckatz – I would not be so glib about the safety of women meeting men from dating sites. Two women in my area were murdered by men they met online.

    1. 124.1
      Karmic Equation

      Links to the news stories, please? If those women dated for weeks or months after meeting, online can’t be blamed.
      If they were killed on the first date, then, yeah, there may be some concerns. That said, how many women have been killed or date raped going to bars? I’m sure that happens MUCH more frequently than online murders.
      There are no guarantees in life, except death and taxes 🙂

      1. 124.1.1

        You have a point that a murderer is a murderer. If someone confiscated his smart phone and wouldn’t let him have another one he’d continue killing women he met at Whole Foods or the dog park.

        But your response is to insinuate she is lying and tell her to post links to prove its true? There have been women in my area raped and/or killed by men they met online. beofre you ask me to post links (I’m not, I’m sure you can use google yourself) I’m not questioning your reasoning, I’m questioning your bizarre response. What does being on a 1st vs a 10th date have to do with anything???

  5. 125

    Have many of the people commenting even dated much online?

    I used online line dating on and off for three years after my divorce. In that time, I dated quite a bit. Usually going out twice a week. While I met some okay people, most were broken in some way and even the ones who said they were looking for a relationship still wanted to have sex the first date.

    But okay. That’s to be expected.

    What was unacceptable was how often these men tracked me down. Even if we had never met, and all they knew was  my name and the decent sized town where I was living, they found me on Facebook and LinkedIn. They demanded that I date them and when I said I wasn’t interested the conversation turned threatening.

    The first time, I thought that this was clearly a blip.. An awful one off.. Nope. The problem is that the comfort of assumed anonymity and companionship on demand makes some of these people think they can behave in socially unacceptable ways, or they convince themselves that you are “just playing hard to get”.

    Online dating was a nightmare for me. I truly believe it’s the law of averages.. The more you date online, the greater the chance you’ll meet a dangerous person.. Sure there is a chance that you’ll meet the love of your life first.. And good luck with that. It happens all the time.. But very scary things also happen all the time.

    While you stand just as much perceived risk meeting someone at a coffee shop, most men who feel confident enough to talk with a stranger they see out also tend to have less psychological issues.

    My advice? Go out of the house in any capacity more often and to different places.. Even big cities like NYC have the same people at the same places.. Next, make eye contact and smile. You’ll be surprised how much easier (and safer) it is.

    1. 125.1

      Yikes.  I have been put off from OLD at times, due to such occurrences.  I actually live in a fairly large city but I have a government position that makes me accessible to the public,   and a unique first name that allows me to be identified by Google.  My tactic at avoiding stalky types has been to hold off on identifying my work place ( though it’s easy for people to figure out) until meeting in person and determining if guy seems normal.  I also use an abbreviated nickname rather that my full first name, at first.  Most normal guys should understand why I am being a little cagey at first.  In fact the last man a dated from OLD two weeks ago was being text-stalked by a OLD woman, so he could relate!

    2. 125.2
      Karmic Equation

      I chose a screen name that was not anywhere close to my real name. And when I signed off on my messages, it was by my screen name.


      Until I agreed to meet in person, they OLD guy doesn’t know my name.


      How would these guys know who you are on FB or LinkedIn? Do you somehow volunteer your full name and other identifying information before agreeing to meet them in person?

    3. 125.3
      Karmic Equation

      I disagree. Something is amiss with your screening. I probably messaged with about 80 men when I was OLD. Had a lot of first dates probably like 30-40. Every guy I met was a “nice” guy. Not stalker material. There was probably about 20 or so that “felt” wrong during email or text exchanges. One I cancelled just before leaving my driveway because his text felt creepy. Way too sexual considering we had never met.


      And most of my dates I scheduled WITHOUT talking to any of them on the phone. I scheduled most via text only. Still managed to get non-stalker, normal people (there were a few insecure guys in there), but all fell in the “normal” range. The one outlier was a genius-nerdy guy, who owned his own company, and was somewhat socially awkward, but genuinely nice and was looking for a relationship.


      I had a friend who said that she had only one OL date many years ago and she was almost raped by the guy. She’s so into herself and her own issues that I don’t think she knows how to read other people, particularly men. Too much trust, and not enough skepticism, most likely.


      While I don’t believe online dating is any more dangerous than dating IRL, per se, I do believe that until you’ve met the man in person (always at a public place you BOTH drive to for a first date), you treat him like a friendly stranger. Until you get a good read on him. For me, that usually takes about 15 minutes of in-person convo. And this is because I really understand men and are very comfortable around them socially. Most women don’t have this kind of comfort level except with male family members. If you believe men are “complicated”, that’s a big clue in your NOT being able to read men. You will need several dates, possibly until he’s your boyfriend, before you have a good read on him, and perhaps not even then.


      Have fun, but be cautious during dating. Most men are NOT stalkers/serial killers. But you should not put on the blinders just because you’re attracted to him and have a connection. I’m not suggesting you go HUNTING for red flags, but don’t pooh pooh the ones you do see. Particularly not after you’ve had sex. If you see red flags after you’ve had sex with a guy, really really dissect those red flags. Because a guy is going to show you his true colors after sex. He’s usually smart enough to keep them hidden until then.

  6. 126

    Lot of bitterness and anger in these posts, why did I read them? I’ll try to make this positive and helpful.  Anyway Somehow I’ve managed to be alone for 8 years now,  40 now, independent and in good health, good looking and athletic also, so why me?  Have I been cursed?  No,  it’s the sickness of this society that affects us all, the absurd misplaced value systems… I use to curse my luck, but now feel the luckiest ones are the ones that can learn to be alone and love themselves, most people settle for very bad relationships rather than face being alone, real change begins in one’s own mind, the way you see yourself, and if you stick with it people will start to see you the way you see yourself, people are drawn to strength like a beacon in a dark and scary world, so don’t feel too bad if you are alone, life is full of such challenges to help us grow if we want them to.

    1. 126.1

      I’ve noticed most of the women on here (myself included) fit the same demographic in that WE TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES. Most of the men online look older because they don’t take care of themselves. Women in our age group are so much stronger and in better health than men our age. Maybe that’s why these men seem much older.

  7. 127
    shana Benjamin

    I  have been socializing and traveling but I still have not found any good men that is interesting in a serious relationship.

  8. 128

    Online dating for me was a total and utter nightmare.Basically 1 complete nutjob hounded me to the point I had to change my phone number.You do hear of some success stories but there are more horror stories truth be known.Online just feels like a big game half the time with deluded people logging on.I mean I thought id have a giggle and email this 25 stone munter that looked awful ..only for her to turn  me away lmfao!!!Sorry but in real life 25 stone munters are grateful 4 any attention leave alone some actual sex action.!!A cold hard fact .Then another 60 something said tx for yr email it tickled me so much ive put you to the top of list.Hang on?list?Your an oap purleaasse Im 44 quite nice looking with a lovely 7 inch piece.In the real world youd be throwing yrself at me after a couple of vinos.Another sd smoking was an issue though I only smoke a few.Ok ..so yr in yr 40s ..desperate …and the fact I puff a few is potentially going to stop a great relationship?..wahay!!!Sorry readers way too much bs online and as I heard on a tv show once…im out.Im not arrogant but I knw my worth and some fatty isn’t going to convince me otherwise so lets all just….get real.

    1. 128.1

      Gosh, @Spen, you sound like such a catch, with a lovely attitude t’wards women, to boot… I cannot imagine why you didn’t find healthy, lasting love online!

  9. 129

    Hello group,

    I have to admit, for a single guy over 40, online dating sites are a big  joke.  I wasted a lot of money on this crap all to yield terrible results.  Match.com is pretty much one of the biggest scams of all.  Most of the women on there are either so damn shallow to even respond to the ones who are fakes posting fake profiles.  I am a guy and I am not saying that all guys are perfect, but because I am not a woman, I can only speak for the men.  Men have more against them then the women do.  ALL women say they are looking for Mr. Right and looking for a good guy, there are plenty of them out there, the real answer is, your NOT really looking for a good guy.  I am still finding that even at this age (42), that women are still looking for Mr. Perfecto, someone who is an arrogant A-Hole and treats them like shit.  While I am not perfect in terms of looks, I have a lot more to offer a woman then a lot of guys who are better looking then I am.  Women are not interested in me because of that.  The women I attract are those who are desperate and the crazy psychos.  Both of which are a major turn off.   Honestly, the feminism BS has really killed it for most of the real men and by that I mean the guy who isn’t getting his nails done every Saturday.  If you are not a perfect looking guy and you walk up to a woman at a coffee shop, she is already thinking your a weirdo and your going to do something bad to her.  Even a simple question like (how are you?) could land you in jail anymore because she thought your a creep who is stalking her etc.  Myself, I am pretty much to the point of just giving up on finding love because I don’t think there is such a thing anymore.  Sure, there are those out there like love coaches, online dating sites etc. trying to make a buck off some poor sap, feeding him lies that it is still real, but its not.   If I want sex, I have to find a hooker and pay for it that way.  It’s just the way it is.  The only other option I have to go outside the Untied States and look elsewhere.  I don’t want to die a lonely old man, but if I keep having false hopes, it will happen that way.

    1. 129.1

      It sounds as though you’ve had some bad experiences and I’m sorry; it’s no fun to feel lonely and rejected.   But, plenty of men ~ and no, not just good-looking “Mr. Perfecto” types ~ do find love online in the 40s and older, so what can you learn from their successful experiences?

      Well, persistence is one key.  They keep trying and don’t let being rejected by Miss Wrongs stop them for looking for Miss Right.  They make sure their online photos are reasonably attractive; too many men post 3rd-rate snapshots, forgetting that women ~ just like men ~ like to see someone with clear pictures and a friendly smile.  How about your profile?  Does it convey a warm, upbeat person who takes enough care to ensure his writing is clear spelling error-free?

      There are nice, normal women online and you’ll increase your chances of meeting them if you don’t give up so easily and keep tweaking your online presence to present yourself as positively (while still being truthful) as possible.  Don’t give up!  There’s a woman “out there” who will be happy and grateful that you found her.

  10. 130

    I am in my  mid forties, online dating is going well (can’t complain) … it’s just that I keep attracting much younger men, way younger …  (and that’s not my goal)

    Good luck to you all!

  11. 131

    I’m so glad I’m married.  Met at an auction, maybe hang out at your local auctioneers!  Happy hunting!!

    1. 131.1

      Did you have to outbid another guy for her?

      1. 131.1.1

        I remember that feeling well when watching all my single girlfriends struggle.. ‘Phew, glad that’s done and dusted’, now I can get on with life….. Got married at 20 – single at 40. One relationship since.  I remember the feeling of sheer safety and happiness at being able to get out of the godawful meat market.  And here I am again…. with no darn idea.  Good luck with your marriage.

  12. 132

    There seems to be this notion that is pushed by Evan and by society that online dating is the best option to meet people and I’m here to say that it definitely has not been in my opinion. Online dating has one huge factor that is rarely mentioned and that is that it depends heavily on your location as to the quality and compatibility of the people that you will meet on a dating site. For example, I am located in the south, a town of only about 50,000 people…many of them families. The south is a great place to raise a family but if you are single and outside of a major metropolitan city such as Atlanta, etc. it’s a nightmare to meet people. Here’s a rundown of the types of guy you will find in the south: overweight, slobbish and bloated with a beer gut, sports fanatic, hunter and/or fisherman (their wardrobe consists mostly of camouflage, cowboy boots or army like boots), Harley Davidson types, Cross fit fanatics, gym rats or muscle heads who are so in love with themselves, or the single dad who’s looking for a woman to be a substitute mother for him and his children because he can’t stand to be alone. Sound appealing? Not to me.

    Most men in the south have few goals or ambitions, don’t like to be out of their comfort zone and aren’t interested in exploring or trying new things. They just want to go to work, come home, sit in front of the tv and watch sports of play Xbox. Or work out four hours a night if they are in shape.  There’s no balance or in between it seems. Every profile on dating website here says one of these three types of guys. I’m completely the opposite of all of these men so therefore it is pointless for me to try and date. I’d have to move to a different state to have a chance to find the type of guy I’d like to meet and that’s not going to be possible for at least 5 more years or so. Therefore, I’ll continue to remain single.

    1. 132.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Yes, there are NO quality men in your STATE. That makes sense. There will be no marriages between kind, smart people in your state. Every woman in your state should move to a better state.

      1. 132.1.1

        Folks, give globalgal a break. We all know that Evan and the regulars here are fiercely pro online dating, which is fine, but you can at least acknowledge that experiences run the gamut. People who live in small towns but don’t have a small town mentality do struggle, and that’s certianly going to affect her success with OLD just as it will dating in IRL. Just let her vent her frustrations without having to be chastised with “oh you’re just doing it wrong! OLD is the holy grail and the secret to life!!”

        You all would sound far more credible if you would acknowledge that yes, in general, OLD is effective and helpful given the way we live and socialize today, but that it’s NOT fool proof and doesn’t solve every dating dilemma known to man or woman. Yes you too karmic equation.

        Even a blockbuster movie has a couple of people in the audience who thought it sucked. I will still recommend the movie but I’m not going shut down anyone who saw it differently by telling them “everyone in the world loved this movie! You’re just wrong!”

    2. 132.2

      @Globalgal – Your right! I personally don’t know anyone who has had much success with online dating. I personally think online dating is a scam. It also just makes it easier for a lot of predators out there. However moving to another state just to meet someone isn’t going to make a difference. It’s the same everywhere you go. No matter where you live. I think a better start would be taking up a new hobby. So you can meet new people. Like start taking a cooking class, Yoga or dance class, art class, or just whatever interest you. I think you would have a better chance with that before doing online dating and wasting money moving from state to state. Just a suggestion!

      1. 132.2.1
        Karmic Equation

        I disagree with both you and Globalgal.

        Online dating is a great way to find men to date and hone your dating skills.

        I would say I’m probably a 7-.

        In the 14 months of online dating, I dated 37 guys and screened out another 23.

        All were attractive, except the one guy whose online pix were misleading. He was in decent shape in ALL the online pix. But the guy that showed up for the date was easily 40 lbs heavier than his pix.

        The online dating was intended to supplement my real life dating, but ended up being my only form of dating in those 14 months.

        I’ve been in a relationship now for about 13 months with a man I met IRL after I decided to give OLD a rest (I don’t like dating in the winter months, I live in the Northeast).

        However, when I did OLD, I wanted to date, not find a relationship, as I never dated in my youth and found the process fun and fascinating, plus it allowed me to meet men from walks of life I never would have met otherwise.

        Continue to OLD, if for nothing else, to keep your dating skills and good-guydar honed.

        The more men you date, the more comfortable you’ll become around men in general, and dating in particular. Those two skills come in handy when you finally meet a good one.

        Giving up OLD, if you have no other access to a good volume of men, will limit your chances of finding a relationship. And your dating skills and good-guydar will atrophy.

        1. Sheesh


          was that a typo?

      2. 132.2.2

        Well, my personal experience is that online dating does work and it gets better if you have the skills that Evan teaches.  I went online in my early 40’s after being in a 17 year relationship.  I was a disaster because I had no idea of what I was doing.  After two long years in which I gave up time and time again,  I finally got a relationship.  Unfortunately, it ended after 3 years because I had to move.  Then I went back online and got a boyfriend in 3 months….that relationship lasted another 5 years, but ended.   The reason I was able to do better was because I was coached by Evan and I continued to read his blog.  The funny thing is that even when dating was better, I still would resist some of the things Evan recommended.  This last time I went online, I told myself I would do everything Evan suggested regardless of whether I thought it was right. And, by doing that I was able to meet a great guy after being  online only for only 3 months.    The reason I stayed was this guy was because of Evan’s suggestion to not be driven by chemistry especially on the first date.  If I had  done things my way, I would not have gone on a second date.  However, I did and with each successive date, this guy got better and better.  He is probably one of the best guys I have ever met.  And, according to online studies, I am one of the most challenged demographics — 51 year old, black woman living in a small northeastern town, plus I am a overweight.    Did I get hundreds of emails — nope, but I got enough to go on at least one date a week.  Plus, every guy I went on a date with wanted to go on a second date because I was fun, warm, and genuinely interested in them.  Again, with the right skills and attitude, online dating can work.

        1. CJ

          So has chemistry developed with this guy or do you have to close your eyes and think of England?  That’s what I’m afraid of. Wasting some poor guys time waiting for some kind of attraction or chemistry to develop.  I feel bad for myself and guilty for feeling like I’m wasting some guys time…  How long did it take?  How many dates were enough for you to realise you could go there with this great guy?  Oh, and good luck!!!

  13. 133

    I did online on and off for a few years (basically I’d be on for a year, cancel a year or two later try again, etc). The guys I met last time were amazing but we just didn’t click. One guy lived too far and too young and didn’t want to move and the other and I really had little in common. Good upstanding men. However, most of the guys who contacted me were complete losers. Guys old enough to be my dad or older (I am 45), guys looking for sex, married men etc. One guy seemed like a match until he told me he beat up his ex because “she deserved it”. As a childless woman I am only interested in childless men which seems to anger the single dads. Other guys have threatened me as well and a few stalked me. I may try it again but likely not. The sad thing is I tried the religious sites too and they were just as bad.

    1. 133.1

      @Dawn – EXACTLY!!! Same experience here. I agree with you 100%. Unfortunately I had a co-worker who was murdered by someone she met on an online dating website. That was enough to wake me up. These online dating websites can be scary. Not because someone doesn’t feel comfortable on it but because most of the men these sites attract are creepy predators. I’ve had my own scary experience as well and since then I’ve said never again. You may come across 1 or 2 normal men, that look somewhat attractive out of maybe a million profiles. Who has time to just sit around all day looking through millions of profiles everyday? I may be single but I do have a life and work a full time job. I’m not desperate! There definitely has to be a better and safer way. Because online dating definitely is not it for me but I’m just speaking for me. To each their own.

      1. 133.1.1

        Nina I’m so sorry to hear that. I wish I could say I’m surprised but am not. I have heard stories like that, including rape and being beat up. I was lucky the guys I met were great and normal but even now I still get stalked by guys on dating sites though I’m not on them. This might make no sense until I state that guys found my old photo from a dating site and used it to stalk me on Facebook. It’s why I use a photo not me on Facebook. Online can attract decent people but in my experience the decent men who are single are NOT on dating sites. They are working and living their lives and either gave up on dating or are too busy. What’s on dating sites for the most part are people who use it for evil reasons (like being married, single because they are losers etc). Even single parents who seek childless online are losers. I know lots of single parents and the ones I know are too busy working and being parents that they don’t have the time or inclination to be online dating or they are decent and find people offline.  The single parents on dating sites are there either for babysitters or wallets.  If they were seeking love they would seek out single parents.  Then again I think even childless people on dating sites are seeking people for wrong reasons, like to use for sex or money.

  14. 134

    As I read through this thread, I’m concerned at how so many women on here are experiencing the same issues…and WE are being asked to get out of our comfort zone.  Evan, I have done every online dating, even an expensive dating service, all the 44 ways to meet a man that you reference in the blog… Diddly squat is what I come up with. You mention a willingness to coach someone if they can get a date  once a week…how about addressing how to get a QUALITY date once a month? I would settle for that.  My friends tell me I should write a book on the shenanigans of my lacklustre dating life…reassuring me to 1) be patient (too late for that ) 2) the right guy is out there (really? He must be in camos because I don’t see him) 3) love will find you when you least expect it (horsepoop! Cupid is a lazy, fat nimph who can’t seem to hit his target).  I came across this article because after hitting 45 and no success…I thought Google might have an answer.  Seems to be the same for many others.

  15. 135

    If I feel like going some place, I go. I love baseball, so I go to a lot of games during the season. I go to restaurants and cafes solo. I volunteer at the humane society. I walk my own dogs and never look down at my phone while I am walking- I make eye contact and smile. I go ice skating. I go to dog park. I perform stand up comedy. Sometimes I DO like to sit at home alone. But a lot of the times I am active and go out. Here’s the thing: men do NOT come up to me and start conversations. If I start a conversation with a man, they look at me as if what right do I have to be talking to THEM. So I try and remain as approachable as possible, but I simply do not get asked out. Period. And I know men are visual creatures, so I have to take into account what I look like before I leave the house. I am 5’2″. 115 lbs. I dress what I would call conservative hip: stylish and fun, but not overly tight and ridiculous. Long brown hair which I lightly curl, light make up (not too much but some so I don’t disappear). So I go places and take care of myself and I try things outside my comfort zone (I tried speed dating recently). I have a decent job which I enjoy. I attempted 4 dating sites (2 paid, 2 free). Every single man either disappeared after 2 or 3 encouraging emails or lied (one guy lied about being a widow- he had never been married!) I have no desire to get married again. I would just be thrilled if a guy asked me out on a date!

  16. 136

    FFS I’m not scared of online dating. Been doing it for years.  I am over the crazies but above all the rudeness. How any man thinks it’s ok to stand someone up or just out of the blue disappear is beyond me. There’s no need for rudeness. Being behind a computer makes it so much easier to be an asshole. Even for us girls. Online dating is killing dating. How many times will I delete these apps!! Grrrr

    1. 136.1

      Yeah. Rightly so. I won’t online date anymore. It’s bad enough that men lie to you at face. Ten fold online

  17. 137

    Yes I also agree with you ladies. I’ve had the same experience as well. Online dating is definitely NOT for me. I only get contacted by unattractive, creepy men that are older than my father and I’m 43. Men in their 40’s are always looking for that 20 something years old. I find online dating a big waste of time. Not to mention it’s not always a safe option either. I have a few friends who have had some very bad experience with meeting people online. Anyway good luck with the dating game ladies and be careful out there.

    1. 137.1

      Ugh what is it with older men contacting younger women? I’m slightly older than you (45)but would appear to be a good prospect as I’m sure you are. I’m still attractive (no wrinkles) still in shape, educated etc. I was so sure I would attract a man within 10 years of my age either way. I got a few but one dating site had a thing where you could do averages of guys who contacted you or looked at your profile (I can’t remember which one) and my average was 55! This was five years ago when I was around 40 so this means a lot of men 60+ contacted me. I complained on one site about this and the poster including many told me to date older if I wanted a husband. Yes, women were agreeing with this! I remember one woman saying “I really want a guy around my age who doesn’t have kids but looks like I’ll have to bend on the kids and the age”. Sorry but I won’t bend and no I don’t want to be a step-grandmother or a step great-grandmother (YUCK!). I bet that woman if she would a guy like that is miserable or not with him.

  18. 138
    ron landskroner

    Just for the record, I would absolutely concur with what the majority of women have described here. However, some of those “older” men (69) frequently referred to in many of the posts, it should be noted that there are sincere men of substance of all ages looking for their better half and frustrated that as time passes the opportunities drastically diminish, leaving one with the dreaded prospect of growing even older alone and, yes, lonely. I live in the SF Bay Area, surrounded by hordes of attractive, desirable, possibly compatible women. Unfortunately, it would seem that, cliché/stereotype of not, all the good ones are already taken. If truth be told, even many of the bad ones, too. I want to literally scream every time a woman refers to her partner, boyfriend, husband, etc. What’s a guy offering many positive qualities with fewer and fewer takers to do? Being one of those men of a certain age, the pool of potentially interested women continues to shrink with every passing day and discovery of yet another mole (yikes–where do they come from?). Oh, to be in my 20s again and back in college. If I only knew then what I know now. Talk with, get to know, date as many people as possible until the right one comes along. And then make sure to not let that person go. It was so much easier then, practically gift-wrapped compared to singledom in later life. How I envy those who found someone earlier on, even it was on their second or subsequent attempt, thus able to avoid the heartache and frustration of ending up un-partnered as a senior in this youth-oriented culture.

  19. 139

    Everyone is blissfully married in Washington state…

  20. 140

    I thank you for ua advice cus I am victim n I wl use online am almost 40



  21. 141

    It’s ironic that so many women feel they don’t know how to meet guys. Im a guy and I feel the same about finding someone, and have tried online dating for years. It’s frustrating to email 63 different women over a 3 month period and get exactly 1 response which was a polite “no thank you” (which I genuinely appreciated). I was on match, a few different times, always hopeful and always left very sad.  The meetup groups I have been to are crammed full of desperate, thirsty guys. It was awful to watch them walk up and down the hiking trail, made the whole thing so uncomfortable.  I have been setup and even did the speed dating thing and struck out: 0 out of 18 were interested. My conclusion?
    I must not be attractive. I’m fit, but I’m short and thin, and losing my hair, so I can understand why I might not be attractive to most women. And that’s ok, I’m fine with being “ugly.”  But I wanted to let other people (men and women) know that it could just be that you’re not attractive, and it will take more work to get past that first attraction barrier. Don’t listen to people who tell you that physical attraction isn’t important, that’s the biggest lie ever told!  It’s usually the very first thing that brings people together. It’s not the ONLY thing, and over time it is not nearly as important as it is in the beginning. But if you are striking out (like me) it could be that were both in the ugly boat. It sucks, I know, trust me, but I can tell you from my experience, just figuring this out has been a huge relief.  Knowing what the problem is makes it easier to solve!
    It’s ok to be unattractive! Love yourself, but don’t delude yourself, accepting the truth is better than living in a confused lie. Best of luck.

    1. 141.1

      I have had to come to the same conclusion.  Whilst, I am attractive (as told by many who are presumably not blind) I am old and have children.  That cuts down my ability to meet a man, significantly.  However, if I have to settle for some guy I find unattractive then I will remain single.  It isn’t fair on me OR him.  I would hate to be a male in this scenario. I adored my ex, his everything – not another man could come close to him (and no he was not classically handsome) but his scent, voice, eyes etc. made me want to inhale him.  He was however a multi millionaire with a raging coke habit and out of control paranoia which made him delusional and violent.  Soooo…. unless you are a gold digger no sane woman would put up with that. I value my life over money.  Every man should have a woman feel like that about him.  That he is the best man for her because of his intrinsic attributes.  Or don’t men mind if a woman feels she ‘settled’ for him and is trying to let him ‘grow on her’?

  22. 142

    Meeting somebody in the 40’s is very difficult. Bars, although I did meet my one and only husband (now divorced) not realistic for myself. I do not want to wean through a crapfull  of men trying to find d MR. Right. I’ll leave that to the 20somethings. And as far as online  dating, Beware!! The few that I went on were either trying v to hook up or looking for a mother for their 6 kids. Although the best one that I met online. Oh was he great. Turned out to have sooooo much baggage (including cross dressing g) turned out to be hiding the drugs from me…Horrible. Anyway. Join groups of likewise interests might try. I am in the same boat as the original person. With the question. I have come to the conclusion that If I stop looking, it might happen. Or get another dog and take it to the dog park. Oh, yes, Laundromat’s are a great place to meet a man. Alot of singles there. Or you can move to Williston ND and meet a working man there. That’s a great possibility also. Good luck. Because I need it to

  23. 143

    Some one Should open up 35 and older bar for divorced, widowed, single folk

  24. 144

    I did the online dating gig for about 18 months and recently thew in the towel. I didn’t necessarily have horrid le experiences, but I just met men that I would never normally cross paths with in real life, let alone go on a date with. Online dating seems to be a forum where people blatantly lie about themselves, or leave out extremely important information. Some of the Gremlins I met have inspired me to write my own blog, seriously! Being 41 and being divorced for two years has been a real eye opener, but I’m trying to be okay with being alone. If someone fabulous lands in my path then perfect. I guess it’s up to the universe to decide.

  25. 145

    Online dating is a massive time waster.  It is impossible to know if there is chemistry until you meet, and extremely time consuming to sift through 100s of profiles.

    Get out and live your life.  Be the person you want to be with.  I hike, I work out in gyms, I connect with men who have similar career ambitions.  I lowered my expectations of meeting my knight in shining armour, and have focussed on developing meaningful friendships.

    And because of this, I have many more options, younger and older.  Be confident, push through fear-based boundaries.  We all deserve this in our paths.

  26. 146

    Wow so many clearly unhappy single frustrated ladies who have had unsatisfactory on-line dating experiences. My first piece of advise for you ladies to change your on line experience from hell to heaven , is to take charge. We are in the 21st century, a woman is about to break through the biggest highest thickest glass ceiling of all time and become POTUS. Creating an anonymous profile and sending out a few dozen hi there handsome messages to age appropriate hotties  should not ellicit cold sweats in a modern woman. I am one of those dreaded older men who have committed the ultimate sin of daring to be attracted to a younger woman(blush). I have however been contacted on more than one occasion by great age appropriate gf candidates and have met some truely wonderful woman as a result. I have met flakes and gold diggers and crazies as well but it no greater numbers than one would find in your local gym or whole foods line up.

  27. 147

    If all else fails, maybe take a self-defense class. Be prepared at all times.

  28. 148

    Ladies….it is NOT us who are the problem!!!  Me and my friends are all early 40’s to 50’s as well (in shape professionals who are self sufficient) and honestly with the introduction of social media  these men can now have many more ways to work their deceitful scams and yes they expect sex immediately cuz they know many women out there will give it up that easy.  We have found most men we meet are truly liars. They claim to be single and work their game for a wife or girlfriend they live with to soon be found out.  Many of my older married friends say when their man is gone they would not do the marriage thing again.  I have more fun traveling with my girls than any pouty, moody,self centered man and as my girls say….a great bottle of wine and a good toy is a guarantee every time so why settle for what’s around door #2 lol!!! I guess my point is do what you enjoy and cherish your female friends as they are the ones that will be with you through thick and thin and if an opportunity arises with some guy you are attracted to have fun on your terms. To many women think they need a man to fulfill them and honestly all they do is make more work and drama for you. I agree online dating does suck….most people who aren’t scammers usually not on them 🙂

    However, you should try finding groups on meetup.com as they are activity/interest based with men and women, maybe join a classic car club, my girlfriend is on beer drinking bowling league lol, fun runs always have lots of people in big age range, take lessons in something new (I am kiteboarding) etc etc. Get creative but make it about YOU!

  29. 149

    My parents have been married a long time but they tolerate a lot I would not but I do think if they are happpy that is great. I do not recommend Match as had a scary date/relationship with a guy def not a match for me, which I should have seen earlier, in fact with all of them.  I realise I need to ensure they feel on the same level. That is what I want a good match but we will see, I am not a normal person, whatever that is, which may explain the difficulty and or past life issues! I say in jest but you never know. I  did date a lot at one point but actually found very hard. I think Guardian soulmates or eharmony may be better. I have  not had great experiences with men or women friends in general & really would like to change that view point. Have learnt quite a lot about psychology including narcisstic sociopaths, psychopaths etc. Have to be careful how people will respond etc. In fact writing about my life to fit the pieces together more. A lot to process. If I do not meet anyone have decided am happy alone. It is ashame not had someone to share  life with but that is how meant to be. Good luck everyone.

  30. 150

    I didn’t mind dating sites and thought I was being careful. I met what I thought was a great guy. We dated for a year and married. Then I was dumbfounded when he changed overnight. For 7 years I was in a horrible and abusive marriage. I am a strong person with values and a good job, so I was able to get out, buy my own home and start over. I’m scared to death, but don’t want to be alone forever. Really scared of dating sites! Since I moved to a whole new town, it is hard to meet people. It has encouraged me to read your posts to know that there are men and women out here who have experienced love and loss as well, but who are trying again.

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