Where Do You Draw The Line When Your Girlfriend Asks For Money?

boyfriend giving money to his girlfriend
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Hi Evan,

I’ve been reading your blog weekly for almost 6 months, and have been many of your past archives. I’ve not seen this question answered before, so here goes: Where do you draw the line when your girlfriend asks for money? We’ve enjoyed each other immensely for the last 9 months… until she decided to return to school to get an advanced degree. She now can only work part-time, and has trouble paying her bills. On top of that, her car recently died and she had no money to get another one. I gave her some money to help her get a used car, but she still struggles to pay her ($1,000 per month) mortgage and other bills. She says that since she would do anything for me if I had problems, she expects her man to do likewise for her. I have a decent job (making about 100K per year), but I just don’t like the idea of giving anyone money. We appear to be breaking up over this, since she says she really can’t stand the thought of her man not helping her out if he can afford to do so. Am I wrong?

Bob

Dear Bob,

Congratulations. You’re her sugar daddy.

As I see it, the real problem here is that you bailed her out without having a commitment – and now she feels entitled to more bailout money. You’re the U.S. Government, she’s AIG – and your relationship is still ill-defined.

She’s relying on you as a husband even though you’re not a husband. Which makes this a good time to ask yourself: do I want to marry this woman

And, if not, breaking up might not be the worst thing in the world.

As I see it, the real problem here is that you bailed her out without having a commitment – and now she feels entitled to more bailout money. You’re the U.S. Government, she’s AIG – and your relationship is still ill-defined.

That ill-defined relationship – 9 good months together without living together or getting engaged – seems to have created a blurry set of expectations on her part. She genuinely thinks that your money is her money and is depending on you to carry her while she tries to work and go to school simultaneously.

And unless you agreed to that arrangement, you’re allowing yourself to be used by her. It’s really easy for her to say that she’d do anything for you – in theory, I’m sure she would. But what if you decided you were going to quit your six-figure job to be supported by her as you attend art school. And to supplement that, you asked for an allowance, because affording rent, tuition and supplies was suddenly cost-prohibitive? I’ll bet she’d be singing a different tune.

The rules do change when you’re living together, engaged, or married. If I’m paying $3000/month rent and my fiance lives in my room and can’t afford to contribute much to our monthly expenses, that’s fine.

If her car gets dinged and she’s too cash-poor to fix it, I’ll offer a loan, which she may or may not repay.

Hell, this year, my wife underdeclared her taxes and I had to spend a decent chunk of change to make it right with the IRS. Was I thrilled? No. But that’s the sacrifice of marriage. That’s what you do in a partnership.

The bigger issue, Bob, is this: the RIGHT woman doesn’t WANT you to bail her out. The right woman wouldn’t ASK you to subsidize her education and strain your finances.

Think about what would happen if you were to break up with her. Would she be homeless? Would she have to quit school? Would she have to get a different job? Would she have to move to a cheaper place? Whatever it is, she is fully responsible for herself. And by taking responsibility for HER lack of finances, you are the enabler who allows this to continue…and then you resent her for it.

The RIGHT woman doesn’t WANT you to bail her out. The right woman wouldn’t ASK you to subsidize her education and strain your finances.

If you think this woman is your future wife, then perhaps this is a sacrifice that you want to make on her behalf. But if she’s not, I’d put a stop to it right this second.

So, in answer to your question: “Am I wrong?”: if you’re wrong about anything, it’s in being TOO generous with a woman who is perfectly content in exploiting your generosity.

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Comments:

  1. 141
    cj

    You make $100,000 per year.   Help her, enjoy the relationship and be grateful that you can help her.    Be grateful that she is intelligent and wise enough to go to graduate school.   You like the relationship and her, this is hard to find and build again.   Women are often not given the same opportunities as men, so be grateful and help her and you will be rewarded with love, commitment and your own happiness.   Or you can sit home alone and count your money, while dating others and potentially ending up in the same spot or worse.

    1. 141.1
      Cathalei

      Sorry, but while he should help her if he loves her and can see a future together, he’s not obligated to help out just because of gender. How was she not given the same opportunity? Was she charged more for school because of her gender? That is self victimizing BS. What would she do if she was single? Would she have not gone to school then? What if the situation was the other way around? Would she have looked at him twice if that was the case? Entitlement is never a good base for a relationship no matter the gender.

  2. 142
    George

    What if it was the other way around? I had girls who did not give me a chance if I didn’t make a certain amount of money.

  3. 143
    Morlando M

    9 months into the relationship – Nobody truly knows their partner in that period of time – Nobody. You’re not married, nor engaged – steer clear of nonsense like this.

    Now, as to whether or not you should help her out financially – HELL NO. She was likely waiting for this situation to arise, so she could take advantage of someone who could help her out financially. Just because he can help out financially, DOES NOT mean he should.    That’s his money, not hers. He likely has his own hopes/aspirations/saving plans.   The last thing he needs is to get involved in her financial mess. It’s simply NOT his problem.

    He’s assisting with mortgage payments and purchasing capital assets for her such as a car?

    Wow – just wow.   That woman really needs to grow up and stop leeching off other people. I would run for the hills.   She’s living in a fairy tale land where sugar plums trees abound.

  4. 144
    The Greek

    Steve

    Dump the b**tch she will drain you of all your money and look for a caring un-selfish person!

  5. 145
    Ojodibe Daniel

    I ve experience many heartbreak in my life. I dated a girl for six months; gave her everything, but she dumped me at the long run. women dont care wether u re broke or not, they just want u out of ur way to do things for them. if she cant live without ur money, then u dump her and move on with ur life.

  6. 146
    we say

    I am having this same problem and I am grateful to hear varied comments. My girlfriend is expecting too much from me. That I pay for everything in our dates including her transport to date, that i pay her son school fees, and pay other assorted expenses.

    Sugar daddy sound like a term I can use. The reason i wont is because I have known her for 2 months, she won’t introduce me to anyone who knows her and she neatly unpacks her few clothes in the house and neatly packs them when going away leaving no trace that she ever was in my house.

  7. 147
    Adam

    I think Evan is spot on.

    If I am married and my wife needs some money so she can go to school, it is one thing. But lending that kind of money to some girl I have been dating for less than a year is a totally different thing. In fact, even if we were married, I would think twice before doing something like this. I knew a guy who ran a small accounting business. He met this girl, fell head over heels and got married. Within a few months of the wedding, she announced she wanted to go to school. He took out loans against HIS house to pay for her many of her educational expenses. It wasn’t THEIR house, it was his house. He had owned it way before he met this girl. Anyway, she goes to school pretty much full time, only working a part time job and focusing on her studies so he is also paying all of her living expenses. She finally finishes school and gets a great job with decent pay. Once that happens she divorces him and leaves him with all of the debt.

    I am not looking for a woman who wants me for my money. I date loving, kind women who are not only attractive but work hard and   are smart as well. If I wanted a sugar baby, I would go to a website devoted to them.   A woman who is trading a relationship for money is a sugar baby no matter what she calls herself.

  8. 148
    Pepe

    Most ends bad. Breaking up is hard to do so many like to exploit the weakness! Remember it is not the end of the world although it seams like that way. This is the simplest way.

  9. 149
    Anonymous

    I’m in a very similar situation.

    Girlfriend of 2 years, known her for 4 years.

    Took out a $3000 loan because she didn’t have a job for 1 week. Oops. An honest mistake I guess… Then leased a new car. Totals to 300 a month. Didn’t like that car, so upgraded to a 2017 car. Totals to 700 a month.

    So now she’s at 1000 a month in expenses. But wait, she gives her family 800 a month as “rent”. Also, credit card bills.

    I’ve been helping her for a long time, got bang her half or more of all my paychecks. And I don’t really care cuz at least I don’t have any debt.

    Now she’s falling behind on payments until now, she doesn’t have a job. Owes over $2000 dollars this month and has a negative balance in her bank account! So of course she turns to me.

    Now I have taken out a loan to help her cover that, and now I’m in debt. Granted I’m a lot better with money and I have been making huge payments to try to bring this loan down as quick as possible.

    I really don’t know what to do because I don’t think she’s trying to use me on purpose. I think she is just absolutely terrible with money.

    The only thing that had me concerned is she asked me to get a loan, and when I said no (the obvious first reaction) she tried to make me feel bad. It seemed out of character, but I don’t know… maybe I’m just being blind. Or maybe she was just in a desperate situation.

    I’m really considering ending this… Even though it’s tough, I can manage the debt I have now, but if I get in any deeper it could get out of control.

    1. 149.1
      Aitch

      “The only thing that had me concerned is she asked me to get a loan, and when I said no (the obvious first reaction) she tried to make me feel bad. It seemed out of character, but I don’t know… maybe I’m just being blind. Or maybe she was just in a desperate situation.”

      If she really cared about you  why would she try to make you feel bad? For me if she’s desperate but cared about you she’d go bankrupt or something as that would protect you and be the right thing for your future together…you’d be able to move on once the debts are dealt with.

  10. 150
    Aitch

    I lent my fiancé  £39000. We’d been together 3 years, engaged for over 1 year, had set a date for our wedding, moved in together. But she had to quit her job for health reasons and take on a much lower paid job and could not pay her debts..so did this to restructure them reducing payments from  £900 per month to  £160.   We could finally move on without this cloud hanging over us.

    As soon as the cheques were cleared she ended it..5 days after I lent her the money she was gone and moved 500 miles away to be with another man less than a month later. They are married with two children which I now support.

    Turns out she’d been keeping how she really felt from me for 18 months and just kept the relationship going (engagement, planning a wedding date, moving in together after I’d sold my home and relocated for us to be together, sex,    etc) just to string me along and keep me happy so I’d sort out her finances.

    She is paying none of it back, has no savings, no assets, no income.

    I’m married to a wonderful woman now and I helped her financially too as  I refused to let my ex change me, but I will never get over the betrayal, the self loathing that I let it happen, the shame I feel at sleeping with what I now know was not my fiancé but to me a prostitute. This happened in 2003 and for many years after I was a in a very dark place; I’m in a much better place now but I’ll never be   close to being the man that I was ever again.

  11. 151
    Ralph

    My girlfriend of a year and a half just broke up with me because I asked her if she needed help with rent. SHe said, “why do you have to ask me, cant you just give me the money?” This is my GF, not my wife. Not only that, I am buying a house next week and had offered her to be able to stay with me so she wouldnt have to pay rent or internet or electricity. She broke up with me last Sunday, basically a week before I get my house. I think she should try being a little smarter   than that

  12. 152
    Kibito

    I have had to let go of a girlfriend who bought a car she cant afford after I told her to get one she can afford. Then she uses a soft voice to try to get me to pay for her car when I am trying to use my extra cash to make investments.

    Clearly she planned it that I will pay for it anyway so I showed the door.

     

     

  13. 153
    Valerie

    I think you should help her. Your woman is in a place where she has to ask for financial support. Should she get it from you or another man. You’ve known her long enough to determine whether she is using you or not. The easiest thing would be to let her move in with you and she could save the money that she is spending on rent. In 5 months she should have $5000 in her account and y’all move on from there, but don’t leave her when she needs someone. If she already loves you, she’ll love you even more. If you can afford to help her, why not? It’s not like she is a stranger.

  14. 154
    Garrett

    Very enlightening comments.   I am a middle-aged widower and successful attorney.   I pay 100% for all dates and 100% for all trips.After dating this woman for 4 days, she wanted $700 to help her pay her rent.   I refused.After dating this same woman for 8 days and agreeing to meet her family in a distant state, I was unable to go because of my elderly father’s illness.   She demanded that I pay for her trip 100% even though I couldn’t go.   I refused.After dating this same woman for 14 days, she wanted to go grocery shopping together.   I don’t live with her.   I don’t eat at her house.   Our meals together are always at restaurants that I pay 100% for.   I estimated the grocery bill to be about $300 for the 4 weeks of groceries she was buying.   I refused.While we spend most nights together, there is no sex because of her religious beliefs.She claims her previous BFs have always done “what’s right” and I’m the only one who doesn’t pay for her personal expenses.   So far, her attempts to guilt / shame me have been unsuccessful.

  15. 155
    Jes

    This is typical. She has this view in her head of how things should be, but she’s not taking you seriously at all because it all depends on what you give her. If you don’t give it to her , then she will look for someone who does. That’s the truth. If you don’t help her then you’re not good for her. She feels like she’s wasting time with you, and she’s not even with you at the moment. And look after all that, if she does break up with you at least she has a new used car anyways. Let me be very clear about this, these are legally gifts that you’re giving her. You can never ask for them back. She never has to pay you back ever. It’s a thin line. 9 months not so sure, 20 years maybe something to consider.

  16. 156
    Carrie

    I think Steve made a great point when he said it depends on the individual woman and for that matter I would add that it depends on the individual man. I am maybe an anomaly in that I am both an extremely well situated woman and I would also describe myself as a pretty old fashioned, conservative woman. If a man wants to date me, he pays, period. If he wants to progress the relationship forward by living with me (I have a child who is watching and impacted by everything I do so it is really unlikely I would live with a man before marriage at this point) it is up to him to make that happen financially and if we are married I view my money as my money and his money as my money too! That said, I am a super responsible person who doesn’t throw cash around on ridiculous things. My late husband did well financially before we met and his wealth grew after we married and I took over management of our joint finances.
    My house (which I bought before I was married with my own money) is paid off, no debt, college educated, money in the bank and I deliberately “retired” from a career in finance in my early 30s to stay at home and raise a family while my husband worked. From a dating standpoint I feel downright repulsed by men who have a 50/50 attitude when it comes to finances with a woman especially when the reason for that attitude is because they have wasted and frittered away their money on themselves and are now not in a position to assume the role of provider. I married exactly the kind of man I wanted. He was a wonderful provider and I felt quite safe with him but he tragically died when I was 32 leaving me with our young child to raise. I have tried to date but have found that my perspectives on gender roles in relationships and marriage do not align with most American men these days….at least the ones I have met on dating apps. I find it pointless to argue or try to change anyone’s perspectives and core values as others have arrived at their beliefs through their own upbringing and experiences so I just try to be upfront about who I am and what I need in terms of financial leadseship in a partner in order to feel safe and protected and loved. Then I let the chips fall where they may….usually with me moving on when it becomes apparent that the man isn’t able or willing to provide. Every once in awhile I get the fun experience of realizing the man was actually looking to me to make it happen financially for him! I think people who disagree with my beliefs about gender roles assume that I hate men or that I am lazy or otherwise awful. I am raising up a young man. I love men and I don’t take the sacrifice a provider makes for his family lightly. I am teaching my son everything I can about finance and other skills he needs to succeed so that he is competent and able to provide for his future family. Of course I hope he chooses a mate wisely so she will add to his wealth and his joy and so she won’t lead him to financial ruin. While I expect a man to provide, I also expect him to exercise his wisdom in choosing who he should provide for.

  17. 157
    Rog

    If your well established and financially stable, then start a relationship with someone of greater or equal value financially. If you don’t mind paying your own way, find a lady that has her stuff together and that can pay her own bills. I wouldn’t just stick to dating and avoid relationships because there are people just like you looking for that perfect fit. Trust me, when you have money you have more options so use it to your advantage and get rid of the bad apple. I wouldn’t date from bars they Are full of Broke gold diggers btw.

    1. 157.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      The guy making fun of spelling says “your.”

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