Why Certain Men Will Never Do Well With Women — And What You Can Learn From Them

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I’ve got a great story that I want to share with you today.

Even though I bill myself as a dating coach for “smart, strong, successful women”, I still maintain a few male clients.

I enjoy working with guys because, when they’re motivated, they’re hardworking and highly coachable. Plus, the men who gravitate towards me are usually “nice guys” who just need a little bit of an edge to succeed wildly with women.

In other words, most of my men are the one you should be dating in real life — the kind that are open to learning and growth and are willing to spend thousands of dollars to learn how to better connect with women.

The guy who called me today is completely different — and I had such an interesting phone call with him that I wanted to share it with you.

“James” tells me that he’s 30 years old, living in Seattle, working in IT. He sounds like a bright guy. A little angry, perhaps, but I’m used to getting clients who aren’t too happy with the fact that they’re reaching out to a dating coach.

James tells me that after focusing on his career for most of his 20’s, he’s been dating intently for the past year.

And it’s been TERRIBLE.

There isn’t a woman in the world who’d enjoy going out with a man who believes that ALL women are fickle and unfair.

It seems that whenever he goes out with women, they’re all so SHALLOW.

They never want to TAKE THE TIME to get to know him as a human being.

They’re all looking for magical CHEMISTRY and trying to figure out within 5 minutes whether he’s their SOULMATE.

The women he wants IGNORE him online, DON’T RETURN his calls after dates, and generally seem to want the PERFECT man.

As a result, James HATES dating.

Now, between you and me, it doesn’t take a dating coach to diagnose what ails James. There isn’t a woman in the world who’d enjoy going out with a man who believes that ALL women are fickle and unfair.

Still, I sympathized with James on the phone. After all, this IS his dating experience. It’s real, not imagined. And it’s normal to feel frustration when you can’t solve a problem.

I asked James what he thought that I could do for him. He mumbled something about helping him meet women who were different than the women he’s been dating.

I couldn’t hold back any longer.

“I hate to tell you, my friend, but the problem isn’t with all the women in Seattle. And dating coaching isn’t telling you where the “quality” women hang out. After 12 weeks of coaching with me, you know who’s going to be the same? Women in Seattle. As such, the ONLY thing we can do is change how YOU’RE approaching dating. Does that make sense?”

James paused for a second, gritted his teeth, and said, “I don’t want to change very much. The problem isn’t with me — it’s with THEM. WOMEN are the problem. I’m asking you to help me find better ones. Are you telling me you can’t do that?”

“What I’m telling you, James, is that you’re the common denominator in your life. And, logically, since I can’t change Seattle, or women, or Match.com, or anything else, the greatest shift is going to come in how you approach women, how you understand women, how you flirt with women, how you connect with women. But it’s about YOU learning, and YOU changing. That’s what yields the best, most long-lasting results.”

I can’t help someone who doesn’t truly want to understand, learn, and grow.

James and I aren’t going to be working together. And that’s fine by me. I can’t help someone who doesn’t truly want to understand, learn, and grow.

And the not-so-subtle reason I shared this story with you is to ask you to reflect on whether you have anything in common with James.

Do you think dating is TERRIBLE?

Are you frustrated that men don’t take the time to get to know you?

Do you get bent out of shape when men IGNORE you online, DON’T FOLLOW UP after dates, and generally seem to want the PERFECT woman?

Do you think that, if only MEN changed, you’d be in a happy relationship by now?

If so, I hate to tell you, YOU are the one who needs to adjust. Just like James.

You’re not “wrong” that men could improve in 100 different ways. You’re mistaken in thinking that men are going to improve. Your job isn’t to CHANGE men.

It’s to become the kind of woman who UNDERSTANDS men, ATTRACTS men, KEEPS men happy, and CHOOSES good men. This is the key to a successful relationship.

And no, it’s no different than how James needs to learn to attract, understand, and connect with women in order to keep them happy. Until he does, all he’s going to do is complain about YOU, and how unfair you are to him.

In reading my blog, subscribing to my newsletter and joining one of my coaching programs, you have a chance to learn something that will change your life.

The question isn’t whether this information can make a difference.

The question is whether you are going to be like James and continue to blame the opposite sex for everything.

Join our conversation (445 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 181
    Jon

    I appreciate your statements about MGTOW Evan. I’ve read just about all of them. What is your first piece of advice to a guy just stepping out of MGTOW? I’m at ground zero, here.

  2. 182
    john

    Oh, I don’t believe all women are fickle and unfair, the other parts are bitchy, gold digging , I want it all, without working for it

  3. 183
    Cam

    James. The truth is good women in Seattle are far too few. I was born and raised in Seattle. I know exactly what goes on their. If you like fat and cynical and a vengeful girl there is plenty to go around. You have to move. Period.

  4. 184
    Cam

    This advice is for men only.   Drop out of the dating seen for awhile. OK so continue to jack off but work on quitting that later.   Polish yourself. You have to have a decent job. If you don’t have one I know where you can get started. Eat right. Get a juice man juicer. Work out. I play guitar so my arms are strong.   Girls like strong arms. Stop looking at pornography this goes and works against you. You will find you think way too much about sex and it’s messing you up.   Learn to egnor women unless you really need to talk to them. They egnor you do it back. At first it will be hard and you will fail and have set backs. Get creative with your own self rehab.   Are you a man or mouse ? This separates the men from the boys. I am 60 years old and my wife is super hot and only 40. Only men can do this.   It’s not for whimps.

  5. 185
    Mike XY

    Been reading a bunch of these posts…everything seems to keep going back and forth…I am 52..went through 2 marriages and a suicide of a girlfriend in between…..seen a lot of shit …I’ve had long conversations with a good female friend regarding what women look for as they get older…she is 5 years my senior and talks with me straight up…women in the 45-55 year range are looking for a man with a good job or stable financial situation first and foremost…#1 on their list….what ever happened to physical attraction…that is what makes a relationship work..do men look at financial situations as a determining factor to move forward in a relationship???..Answer is NO…lastly…Men are always trying to understand women and women are always trying to understand women…bottom line is no one will ever “know” how the other sex really works…If you think you have it figured out, you are just fooling yourself….. XX will never understand XY completely and the same goes for XY vs. XX…or XXX vs. XXY or any other combinations….we are all different and the one’s that “get” how our mind is wired tend to be from similar, if not the same, genetic sex chromosome pairings…I am sure I’ll get bashed for my thoughts, but just wanted to express my feelings..Mike…XY

  6. 186
    Johnny

    I think God, Nature or whatever you choose to call the Divine force just failed with the human creation, nothing works out and then you die.

    To try to find love outside of your self is the road to hell because it never works out. He or she can not give you love, only you can experience love in yourself and when you do you are happy and don’t need anyone because you are complete in love.

    I have been trying to find love in a woman all my life but never found it in any woman, only momentarily.

    Maybe nature do not care about our romantic dreams, it only cares about getting the woman pregnant.

  7. 187
    Bill

    I could not get a date so I gave up on girls at age 16. I got some grief from my parents and society but I told them that women did not want me and after a while I was left alone.

  8. 188
    Ken

    The problem isn’t Seattle or the guy’s real city. The problem is American women.

    36% of American women are obese.

    33% are severely clinically overweight.

    48% of American women have an STD.

    American teen girls rank 36th in math, 28th in science, and 24th in reading internationally. American women are dumb and apparently getting dumber.

    70% of married women admit to cheating on their husbands.

    40-50% of marriages end in divorce, with most of the divorces initiated by women. Why not? She keeps the house, gets sole custody of the kids and half the man’s salary as child support. If he doesn’t pay, he goes to jail. It doesn’t even matter if the kids are his.

    Sounds like a great deal, right guys? Women treat me like dirt for being very short, bald, and ‘small’. I’m 32 and never even had sex. Sounds like I lucked out. My business is doing great, I have no wife ruining my life, and now I’m free to sleep with cute escorts who are fit, clean and STD free.

    http://www.apa.org/topics/divorce/

    http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2017/03/09/led-by-baby-boomers-divorce-rates-climb-for-americas-50-population/

    http://atlanta.cbslocal.com/2014/10/06/cdc-110-million-americans-have-stds-at-any-given-time/

    https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/womens-health.htm

    https://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2013/dec/03/pisa-results-country-best-reading-maths-science

  9. 189
    Tom

    Women are only attracted to looks.
    What you say or do doesn’t matter. If she likes your face you can almost say anything.
    These dating gurus only fools gullible men to think they can teach someone to attract. Fact is they can’t.
    What works for them won’t work for you.
    Be yourself, use your own humor and find your own style.
    If you are not good looking you will have a hard time and needs to date women that are uglier than you.
    This is the hard cold truth.

  10. 190
    Sean

    I think I’m screwed,

    I’ve never been a real social type of person, actually I’ve got some pretty serious anxiety issues with social situations. I’ve hit a rough patch pretty hard and as a result I’m unemployed and the opportunities for me have become pretty slim. I also don’t drive, never have. Truthfully the thought of having to climb into a car with the complete stranger instructor and not screw up gives me tingles in my spine.

    Despite all of that I think I’m a really neat person and would have a lot to offer someone, but not enough to overcome my failings and shortcomings it seems. I get it though I look like a pretty significant burden from square one and taking that on isn’t a real popular option for anyone.

    Thing is though even before all this adult responsibility came rushing into my life by virtue of age I was still not getting much attention in a dating sense. It feels like I am completely invisible as a prospective love interest. I’ve met some real neat women over the years and had some pretty fun times with them, but there’s always been that part that’s longed for something more. I don’t blame women because of that, I just wish it weren’t the way of things. I am pretty frustrated in general though, that the romantic interest just never seems to come into the picture for me.

    I can’t be that conversational bombshell that oozes confidence throughout the room, it’s just not in me, it’s not who I am. I’m quiet and mellow, patient and really go-with-the-flow. I have opinions but don’t wear them on my sleeve, nor do I feel the urge to share my distaste for something someone else holds dear. I let it be out of respect. Just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean I should trample on someone else’s appreciation of something that brings them joy.

    Just wish things were different.

    Now that I’ve gotten that all out of my head I’m not super sure where I’m going with all of this. Guess I just needed to post this somewhere people are.

    Hope you all find happiness.

  11. 191
    Mark

    And then there are guys like me for whom any sort of relationship would be awesome, guys like me who are simply of no interest from a sexual point of view   to any woman at all.   I am not MGTOW, I am not angry at women – why would I be?   It’s not women’s fault they’re not interested in me ‘that’ way – and in fact I have many women friends.   The fact is, I’m just a guy in whom no woman has/is ever – and I mean ever, been the slightest bit interested in as a sexual partner.   It really hurts to be as unattractive to women as I am.   I studied hard, work hard and have done very well for myself professionally and financially, but at this point, I continue to work roughly 12 – 14 hours a day because the thought of going home to a dark house alone at night is a nightmare – so I just keep working.

    I’ve literally never asked any woman out because it’s been plainly obvious since my teens that rejection is guaranteed 100% of the time, so I’ve never surrendered to the urge to make myself feel even worse about myself by getting rejected by a woman I’m interested in.   Most of your advice is to women about men, Evan, but even though you’re married (i.e., had success with at least one woman), do you have any thoughts for guys like me who don’t stand a chance of ever being chosen by a woman as a mate?

    1. 191.1
      Karl S

      The fact is, I’m just a guy in whom no woman has/is ever — and I mean ever, been the slightest bit interested in as a sexual partner.  

       

      I’ve literally never asked any woman out because it’s been plainly obvious since my teens that rejection is guaranteed 100% of the time, so I’ve never surrendered to the urge to make myself feel even worse about myself by getting rejected by a woman I’m interested in.

      Sounds like you need therapy. If you’ve never been able to ask a woman out because you’re utterly convinced they’ll never be interested in you, then you’ve got some deep psychological work ahead of you and it will require the help of a professional.

    2. 191.2
      Clare

      I agree with Karl S., Mark.

      You are living an utterly self-fulfilling prophecy. Your fears are literally paralysing you from doing the one thing that would lift you out of your unhappiness and bring you joy. You need to recognise that it is your own fears holding you back, rather than any “unattractiveness” which you perceive on your part. Until you can see that, you will be stuck.

      The good news is that all of this is in your power to change. You really don’t have to be unhappy – there is not some evil universal power out there dooming you to loneliness. You can start changing this right away, today if you want to.

      If you think you are physically unattractive, join a gym and start going regularly, or go for a jog a few times a week. Go to a men’s hairstylist and get a new haircut. Take one of your women friends shopping with you and get her opinion on clothes which would look good on you and which women find attractive. Invest in a good cologne.

      But confidence is one of the things that is most attractive to women – and that is 100% learnable by anyone. The ability to reach out and be vulnerable to another person despite the fear of rejection – very attractive. You might be surprised at the positive reaction that you get, and for those who reject you? Screw ’em. Even the most gorgeous, confident, successful people get rejected sometimes. Try just letting the woman talk about herself to start with; takes the pressure off, and you can’t go too far wrong.

      Good luck.

  12. 192
    Nick

    Overall I just think people suck. Anyone else here think that? I make good money, drive a nice car, attract somewhat ok women, do I care? Nope. If someone is too shallow to treat me right by being honest when it counts, not using my oilfield cash to cover their unhappiness by shopping at hobby lobby and forgeting their rent, and demands I focus on them realize I have hobbies I’m happy to piss away my money on. Being alone is way better than having manipulators and users around. #mgtow say what you want, doesnt phase me. I enjoy my life as it is.

  13. 193
    Ron

    Most women are looking for men 6 feet and taller. If you can’t meet or exceed this one lone requirement, you will die a lonely virgin. Heightism is a real discrimination, it is not imagined, and the media will do everything in their power to make heightism not exist. You are not supposed to know the truth that is hidden in plain sight.

    1. 193.1
      Lynx

      My daughter is 6′, and we’ve discussed how she’d be dramatically limiting her options by insisting on a taller guy. And she is totally okay with dating a shorter guy, but here’s the thing: the shorter guys she’s been interested in are overly conscious of it. They won’t stop making comments about her height, and it gets annoying.

      So, don’t necessarily assume all women demand tall guys. As my daughter puts it, “My best friend is short — since we spend most of our time sitting and not walking around together, what does it matter?”

    2. 193.2
      Cathalei

      There are many men who would prove this assertion wrong. It’s true that some women have a fixation on that and it seems common enough to make a case for an -ism but there are many other women who look at it differently. According to a research there is not a significant difference in dating success either way.

    3. 193.3
      Marika

      No doubt height discrimination is very difficult. The blanket statements we see on here in abundance about ‘women’, however, are so very unhelpful. Die a lonely virgin? So you’ve never known a man under 6 feet to have ever met, slept with, or married a woman? I’m a tall woman and all my relationships other than one have been with guys under 6 foot.

      Complaining gets you nowhere. The only thing you can do is ignore the height obsessed woman and focus on those who aren’t.

  14. 194
    bongstar420

    There is only so much responsibility men will bear moving forward. There will come a time where women will be forced to change…..all it takes is for enough James to exit the market and ignore most women most of the time which means not being social or helpful to them except for in the most limited of ways where men are treated identically.

    Vagina is not worth more than a penis. All dating is for that. If it wasn’t, we would all be “just friends”

  15. 195
    Bill

    I tried dating in High School . Girls told me that I was repulsive and that they would not piss on me if I were burning. I gave up on girls when I was 16 and started seeing escorts when I was 21. Escorts worked for me. Where “regular” girls would say “No”, escorts would say “you wanna eat my ——-? Escorts 10, Regular girls 0

  16. 196
    Rod

    I only had six or seven dates as a teen (really). The last straw was when a girl had her friends tell me she wanted to go on a date to a party and sent me her phone number. To make a long story short, my date was just to make an old boyfriend jealous. I let him take her home. I never dated again.

    I haven’t gone without women in my life. I married, although that was a mistake. The real person she was didn’t show up until the day after we returned from our honeymoon. I said “I do” only to discover I never would again.

    I got lucky when I found the woman who really loves me. We’ve been together almost 15 years and she helps me get through the depths of my life with a smile and a lot of love. And we never went on one date ever.

  17. 197
    Bill

    I could not get a date and I gave up on girls when I was 16 and started seeing escorts when I was 21. I like white and black women (I am a white guy) and I could enjoy the flavor I wanted on any given day.

  18. 198
    Malcolm

    I’m a 38 year old man who has never gotten a date.  People advise me to keep trying … keep falling down and being kicked in the heart by women I thought cared about me … but keep trying, they say. As a severely introverted man, I am completely invisible to women, and to get them to even acknowledge my existence takes all the energy I have – and then they reject me, literally every one I’ve ever tried to get to know. Human mating sets out that men compete for women’s attention against other men to be chosen as a mate.  Guys like me stand zero chance against other guys who *can* be confident around women, because to become confident, a guy needs positive experience. I have literally zero experience because no woman has ever even noticed me. Women are not interested in me – and there is no evidence to the contrary.

  19. 199
    El jefe

    I have heard people say that a certain women was shallow, boring etc. So I went and talked to her, flirt, tease, a little bantering to find out she is actually an awesome person, with a great personality. Maybe you are just too damn boring, I bet your dates consist of a ton of interview questions. Then you sit there and blame your date for being shallow….Looks like someone needs a little self improvement, take a step back, look at it from her point of view.  Girls just want to have fun….no matter what age. Even if you have nothing in common, actually especially if you have nothing in common… Most women I have slept with to this day are still my friends. Maybe they keep me around because I am fun, Dont take rejection like the end of life… who knows, I could go on and on but…… seems like some never will change, but you lame guys with your interview questions make me look like a dating god so……THANKS

  20. 200
    Conor Coves

    So many interesting comments. All I know is I’m tall over 6′ majority race of my nation, pretty fit, have a decent career, mid 30s, single forever. I don’t deny I maybe have an imperfect personality. However here in Minnesota I’ve been approaching girls in coffeeshops and elsewhere. Trying to do so straight up and ballsy, vs sleazy easy. And it works. They love it. We chat. I only approach girls I’m interested in so there’s the chemistry. It works, they eat it up because I’m so direct and cool, until I try ask them out or tell them I’d like to take then out. Then their face drops. It’s not even a question. They don’t even stop to consider. They know the answer is no. So now I approach, talk, and walk when possible. One was surprised, pleasantly. But where the heck does that leave us? Nowhere. Women don’t get this sh-t done on their own. But they also resist men who try. It’s infuriating. I get women Interested in me occasionally just by living my life but it’s as if when I try, the illusion breaks. It’s like learned helplessness. I don’t know how to square this circle. I do think modern women are crazy but I’m not sure. I put myself on a personality improvement plan original one day but one thing I want to improve and try to focus on having units of measure about it. For example do something (not more than) x times/day.

    In my goddamn 35 years, being athletic tall fit owning my own house debt free college educated willing to make effort how could it be I have not found what works? I definitely missed last opportunities. In some cases I wasn’t ready psychologically (didn’t feel stable enough or whatever) but now I’m at my peak so far. I perhaps don’t fit your normal type. I know people love to type. That’s my perspective. I find a lot of the critical commenters speak some truth but it can only be a theory. I wanted to share my testimonial because I try not only have good faith but also fun when it comes to dating but it’s hard. Frustratingly hard. I hardly drink if that’s a factor but I do engage in activities. Not trying to excuse myself or boast but I have a very high IQ and I read that can cause issues. Also I found in general European women to be both more appealing and accessible. I’m not looking for weak women. In fact the stronger a woman is, in the way I perceive strength, the more able she is to be friendly and personable if not open minded to dating if single. Just my take.

    Yeah I approached a woman yesterday night, struck up nice shirt convo, asked her out and got an insta no. The insta is the most frustrating part. Yeah I got frustrated. No I don’t feel entities to her body. Get that projection out of your head. I don’t put my frustration on her. I try to be indifferent around her, show no weakness, let her feel safe but I am pissed with all the cumulative experience of my life particular because I put in effort, and no side has fixed the situation, not “blue” or “red” or purple pill or black or whatever. I’m always open to anything. And granted I feel in a few key situations of my past I totally failed myself when things at least SEEMED like they were mine for the taking with a quality girl, but for the most part it’s as described above. I practiced stoicism lately but I’m afraid that only creates a time bomb. What’s your answer to me? If I can improve then I have power in my court and I certainly can somehow, but I do find it’s the type of woman that makes the biggest difference and the type that is good is so rare. Maybe it’s just that this type gets me. Maybe I just got lucky enough to make a good first impression. But neither improving myself nor making an effort to approach seems to solve things. In fact I have to get over this but that’s what makes me angry and frustrated because I keep putting myself out there. Yes I have to look earn how to not take personally. I hate the notion of game as opposed to just becoming awesomer and more confident and improving your personality, but it seems such game might be relevant and required based on my experience, but I don’t want it to be. I will resist it to the end and then accept it reluctantly when it would be irresponsible not to. Like Pilate I wash my hands. I’ll keep looking for answers from whatever source I can find them, knowing all the while that if I could move to Poland for example, I’d have it taken care of (and don’t you dare say the Polish aren’t strong and independent women, sir). But I’m settled here. I am a serious man. Their rejections don’t mean anything because they don’t know me, they probably don’t know themselves, they themselves aren’t willing to make the effort. One female friend in particular I am in awe of, because she’s so different, so perfect, so beautiful. I even hooked up with her. This is one of the examples of where I screwed up by not closing. The reason I’d probably give is she’s out of town long distance and also I thought it would be easier to meet like women here, but she’s awesome. She has bf now. She still encouraged me. She’s not judgemental like most typically are. She’s very real, I assure you, but I’m using her here as a fool, to allow me to generalize because I’m not universalizing. She says be proud of myself. Suggests museums, fairs, etc. But she listens and understands. She doth put the vast majority of women in stark contrast, which validate many of our generalizations. However maybe these other women are good natured too but just not open but then that begs the question, why not? Why would they get many false hits, assuming a man is worthy. In other words, if they should be open (pleasantly disposed) to worthy men, then how often do they get it wrong, in a way that is their issue? Unrelated I don’t think I make bad first impressions but in my day to day I never placed great importance on doing so. I will start now. So it seems, based on a few women I know, the best one of which I’ve shared, and she’s American, but from Chicago fwiw, that we can generalize about the rest as I’ve found apparent NAWALTs. However everyone has limits. She’s not perfect but she is very different. Was open to me from day one. Almost seemed too good to be true, and long distance, I met her for temporary work travel. So my question is why can’t other women be more like her or else why can’t I be capable of opening up women more effectively? I’m trying to write in a way that’s truthful and that encompasses both the critical commenters and Evan here. I think I have accomplished that, and everything I said has been fact based. Regards.

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