Why Certain Men Will Never Do Well With Women — And What You Can Learn From Them

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I’ve got a great story that I want to share with you today.

Even though I bill myself as a dating coach for “smart, strong, successful women”, I still maintain a few male clients.

I enjoy working with guys because, when they’re motivated, they’re hardworking and highly coachable. Plus, the men who gravitate towards me are usually “nice guys” who just need a little bit of an edge to succeed wildly with women.

In other words, most of my men are the one you should be dating in real life — the kind that are open to learning and growth and are willing to spend thousands of dollars to learn how to better connect with women.

The guy who called me today is completely different — and I had such an interesting phone call with him that I wanted to share it with you.

“James” tells me that he’s 30 years old, living in Seattle, working in IT. He sounds like a bright guy. A little angry, perhaps, but I’m used to getting clients who aren’t too happy with the fact that they’re reaching out to a dating coach.

James tells me that after focusing on his career for most of his 20’s, he’s been dating intently for the past year.

And it’s been TERRIBLE.

There isn’t a woman in the world who’d enjoy going out with a man who believes that ALL women are fickle and unfair.

It seems that whenever he goes out with women, they’re all so SHALLOW.

They never want to TAKE THE TIME to get to know him as a human being.

They’re all looking for magical CHEMISTRY and trying to figure out within 5 minutes whether he’s their SOULMATE.

The women he wants IGNORE him online, DON’T RETURN his calls after dates, and generally seem to want the PERFECT man.

As a result, James HATES dating.

Now, between you and me, it doesn’t take a dating coach to diagnose what ails James. There isn’t a woman in the world who’d enjoy going out with a man who believes that ALL women are fickle and unfair.

Still, I sympathized with James on the phone. After all, this IS his dating experience. It’s real, not imagined. And it’s normal to feel frustration when you can’t solve a problem.

I asked James what he thought that I could do for him. He mumbled something about helping him meet women who were different than the women he’s been dating.

I couldn’t hold back any longer.

“I hate to tell you, my friend, but the problem isn’t with all the women in Seattle. And dating coaching isn’t telling you where the “quality” women hang out. After 12 weeks of coaching with me, you know who’s going to be the same? Women in Seattle. As such, the ONLY thing we can do is change how YOU’RE approaching dating. Does that make sense?”

James paused for a second, gritted his teeth, and said, “I don’t want to change very much. The problem isn’t with me — it’s with THEM. WOMEN are the problem. I’m asking you to help me find better ones. Are you telling me you can’t do that?”

“What I’m telling you, James, is that you’re the common denominator in your life. And, logically, since I can’t change Seattle, or women, or Match.com, or anything else, the greatest shift is going to come in how you approach women, how you understand women, how you flirt with women, how you connect with women. But it’s about YOU learning, and YOU changing. That’s what yields the best, most long-lasting results.”

I can’t help someone who doesn’t truly want to understand, learn, and grow.

James and I aren’t going to be working together. And that’s fine by me. I can’t help someone who doesn’t truly want to understand, learn, and grow.

And the not-so-subtle reason I shared this story with you is to ask you to reflect on whether you have anything in common with James.

Do you think dating is TERRIBLE?

Are you frustrated that men don’t take the time to get to know you?

Do you get bent out of shape when men IGNORE you online, DON’T FOLLOW UP after dates, and generally seem to want the PERFECT woman?

Do you think that, if only MEN changed, you’d be in a happy relationship by now?

If so, I hate to tell you, YOU are the one who needs to adjust. Just like James.

You’re not “wrong” that men could improve in 100 different ways. You’re mistaken in thinking that men are going to improve. Your job isn’t to CHANGE men.

It’s to become the kind of woman who UNDERSTANDS men, ATTRACTS men, KEEPS men happy, and CHOOSES good men. This is the key to a successful relationship.

And no, it’s no different than how James needs to learn to attract, understand, and connect with women in order to keep them happy. Until he does, all he’s going to do is complain about YOU, and how unfair you are to him.

In reading my blog, subscribing to my newsletter and joining one of my coaching programs, you have a chance to learn something that will change your life.

The question isn’t whether this information can make a difference.

The question is whether you are going to be like James and continue to blame the opposite sex for everything.

Join our conversation (466 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 201
    Bubba

    There is a surplus of men in Seattle and Washington State as a whole.

    So James’ problem is that he is some combination of not rich enough, not good-looking enough, not athletic enough or not tall enough.

    In other words, he is not perfect enough. The women in Seattle sense that they can be picky.

    James needs to get the h*** out of Seattle and move to a city where there is a surplus of women.

    It really isn’t any more complicated than that.

    1. 201.1
      Marika

      Bubba

      If you read all the comments, Evan made up the Seattle bit, to protect the LWs anonymity.

      It is more complicated than moving, and that was essentially the point.

      He will never do well with women if he doesn’t learn what they need, as will women not do well with men without learning what they need.

      1. 201.1.1
        Bubba

        I picked up on the “Seattle bit” even BEFORE I posted. Most cities out west have more men than women, sometimes by a large margin, “Man Jose, CA” being a particularly notorious example.

        The article isn’t worth much if it doesn’t even tell the truth about which city is involved. Therefore, my comment, about a shortage of available women being James’ primary obstacle, stands.

        In a city where there is a surplus of men, the taller, better-looking, stronger and wealthier will quickly absorb the pool of available women. All the subjective, psycho-babble, stuff is irrelevant.

        Did you ever play musical chairs when you were a kid?

  2. 202
    N.O. Name

    What most ignore is the fact that some men spend their entire life being put down, humiliated, ridiculed and belittled. By their entire life, I mean from very early childhood to at least, in my instance, more than 70 years.

    Although my mother refuse, an aunt submitted my photo in a “best Looking Child (under 5) contest. I won the contest, but received virtually no acknowledgement from my parents, aunts or grandparents. And this was only the beginning….

    1. 202.1
      Bubba

      @NOName; It’s interesting that you won the contest, but you weren’t being belittled about it, just ignored. I do agree that there are plenty of situations where men are not really treated very fairly and are held to very unreasonable standards, but few people seem to care about these situations. The attitudes and level of ignorance are deplorable.

  3. 203
    Paul

    If women are attracted to good guys, why don’t they show it? I never get signals of interest from women and I’m not about to express interest because I won’t risk being accused. I’ve read in several places that women usually give signs to guys they’re attracted to and that’s how most interactions start. I never get signals and so conclude that no woman is interested.

  4. 204
    Rustylh

    I watched a good video. One of the things I picked up on what that social media and dating apps have created a huge problem in the dating arena. I picked up on it because he noted some things that were talked about in a documentary around 20 years ago about human sexuality.

    The point was brought up that people will usually go for the best mate they can get, so they pursue the best (or hold out for) but then move down the list until they find somebody that is also interested in them. Evan says that your dating pool does not comprise who you want to date, but who wants to date you. So let’s say that the process above is really just a person learning who is actually in their dating pool. They go for the best, but learn that this person, and likely many more below that person, aren’t interested, at least not genuinely.

    Before social media, and dating apps, your dating pool was who you came into contact with, either through chance meeting, or being introduced. But these were almost always people who lived nearby. This is important, because let’s assume that most people either require, or would prefer to find somebody who won’t disrupt their lives too much. Moving to another area, and possibly having to find new employment is about as disruptive as it gets.

    Even before the internet, a woman had the impression of more abundance of choice than men did, as men have traditionally been the pursuers. Even now, men DO pursue those they are interested in. This impression was usually false because there were almost always men who simply didn’t qualify, or weren’t actually available to her in a genuine sense. A pursuer may not actually be available, or not actually be interested in a genuine relationship. I would say that for our Grandmothers, the biggest hurdle was in trying to figure out which man pursuing her, was actually interested in a lifelong relationship.

    That still rings true today, but the internet has created an even bigger false impression of abundance. The majority of men don’t experience any sense of abundance in dating prospects, and those that experience some…it’s nowhere near what women experience.

    In the past, when women made men prove their intentions through actions, and courtship…the process between first interest, and committing to each other, too months or even years, it was easier for women to know who was truly available to her, because the process weeded out the pretenders. This process literally does not exist anymore, with so many people hooking up within a very short time. Men no longer have to prove their intentions. The real winners are the top 20% of men. They are having more sex with more people than any men in history. Combine that with the destructive force of a divorce, and it’s no surprise that these men aren’t very interested in marriage.

    But the real damage done is that these dating apps, and hookup culture, create a false impression of abundance that does not exist, and this works against the hypergamic nature of women. She never has to work down the list to the men that are genuinely interested in her, long term. This has often been referred to as women over-valuing themselves. Not really their fault on one hand…when you are a 6 or 7, and have dated and slept with many men with a higher SMV, it’s not a surprise when she doesn’t see another 6 or 7 as her peer.

    With men, you only see this when a man is very wealthy, to the point that he can attract women he would never have a chance with, if not for the money.

    The TL;DR version is simply that the internet, and changes in our culture have allowed women to put off working down the SMV scale, to find her peers. There’s always another super high quality man, out of her league, who will engage with her, socially, and physically, in the short term. Her prime years for finding a suitable mate, end up being wasted on men who were never truly in her dating pool. This has created an epidemic of incels and cat-ladies.

  5. 205
    Michaelangelo Liebers

    The best advice is try not too think about women at all and being an alpha male they’ll come too you and all you have too do is show no interest in them no calls or text and its a game too them even a serial killer night stalker gotten alot of women Richard Ramirez or those guys that beat up women love bad boys and its better than being single in a miserable relationship don’t be needy but also attraction like being in fit like go too a gym and workout along showing no interest they’ll hate it you show them nothing thats a man

  6. 206
    Seattlite

    Lol you opened up a real can of worms mentioning dating in Seattle! Should have picked a different city for sure.

  7. 207
    Doug

    As a sexually invisible man, for me, the fact that no woman would ever be attracted to me has nothing to do withy my looks, state of health / fitness, skills, hobbies or professional/financial success: I have all of these things and more in droves. I also have many close female friends. In spite of these things, there is no point in approaching any woman no matter how attractive I find her because she has a choice among guys – and I can’t compete against other guys, most of whom are / can be attractive to some women. As such, I have never expressed romantic / sexual interest in any woman – and no woman has ever shown the slightest interest in me – and I do not expect them to. I certainly do not blame women for not being attracted to me – nobody can help whom they’re attracted to.

  8. 208
    John M Guinto

    I’m 61,never married,never had a girlfriend,nor a single date in my life,and I don’t miss it,it doesn’t bother me at all,I’m hapy just the way I ‘am.I don’t understand why everybody thinks you have to be married.

  9. 209
    Paul

    What is really happening is the result of many years of feminism being preached to American women, and now virtually all of them are infected with it. Like liberalism and many other -ism’s, they are rooted in a foundation of disinformation and prevarication, meaning they all have a goal to manipulate and do whatever it takes to achieve it, while never outwardly stating what this goal is.
    Because of this, those who claim to uphold its tenets, are unable to think clearly and logically, which over time causes cognitive dissonance and other mental and behavioral challenges .

    For example, look at the women only make seventy something cents for every dollar a man makes, lie which is still being tossed around today, despite it being repeatedly shown to not have any intelligent, factual evidence to support it.

    This is one small example, but since I know what I am saying here will be rejected by many who don’t like how it sounds, I would suggest going to talk to any woman who lived during the feminism agenda pushing decades of the 1960s and 1970s, and saw the manipulation tactics and distortion of facts that were used, and not caught up in it.

  10. 210
    Larry

    Relationships aren’t the same as they used to be. It used to be that men and women wanted to get married and raise a family. Married couples faced hardships and difficult times in their lives. They were more willing to work together and stay together through the years. Nowadays, family values and moral values have been flushed down the toilet. It’s all sbout money and lawyers. Most people these days, are selfish, they only care about is someone who is rich, and is fantastic in bed. Cheating and lying is not a big deal, everyone does it so why get upset? If uou don’t like it? That’s your problem! You got a bad attitude! GET LOST! You’re lousy in bed so I’m kicking you to the curb! How dare you question me! I’m going to live my life the way I want to whether you like it or not! These are some of the comments I got from different women that I had dated in the past. The future doesn’t look very good for me as I get older. Perhaps someday I’ll win the lottery and be rich, maybe I’ll find someone who will adopt me for thier own sugar daddy. I wish that I could travrl back in time, back to those good ole’ days when msrriage and relationships mean’t a whole lot more than they do now.

  11. 211
    onyxman50

    I live in Georgia, right outside of Atlanta (which has the largest single population in the U.S. or one of the largest).

    The dating problem has been a battle for a very long time because women want particulars that men don’t want to give and men have particulars that women don’t want to give (and trust me that is not isolated to the U.S.). In other countries the laws are different so alot of women submit to their men or they can literally be killed, so they are not docile or subservient because they want to be but because it can be very dangerous not to be. On top of that, divorce is not easy to get in a lot of non 1st world countries also.

    In the U.S. women are afforded the same rights as men when it comes to dating, which is, date who you want. Divorce as many times as you see fit.

    The dating conundrum here in the States is going to get worse, and marriage is going to almost be non-existent; at 50 I probably won’t live long enough to see it, but it will.

    Reason being is that neither men nor women are going to cater to each other in ANYTHING, no just the large request, but the trivial also. I’m guilty of it, and it isn’t going to change with me either, not at 50 (I’ve been this way my whole life, so then there’s that).

    What we are saying when dating is “accommodate me” and “if you think I am special enough, you will accommodate me). “I know that I have request that you don’t want to fulfill, would not do if you were not with me, or simply don’t like at all……so, accommodate me, aren’t I worth that”

    That is coming from both men and women. The answer is usually “no” and emphatically “no”. “No” to the point of “I would rather be single again than do that or those things” “I’m not changing for you or anyone else” “take me as I am or not at all”

    Well that attitude dissolves relationships and marriages alot.

    So the question is, “what is the answer”……..and that answer is “ACCOMMODATE” or be content with being single, (men) buying pussy, (women) paying male escorts or just having friends.

    You can’t have any human to human relationship AT ALL, for as long as you are alive, without accommodating.

    Think about it this way, we have laws that people abide by and you will accommodate those who make the laws, but this shows how much people will not accommodate…..if you don’t not then we will make you pay for that or go to jail. Which based on how filled jails are, show that people will not accommodate up to the point of having their freedom taken away.

    Think about you as a child, your parents……..accommodate me and do what I say, but if you don’t there will be consequences…..we all know how that goes.

    By the way, those that travel back in time to the 50’s and prior……..well women had to accommodate men, why, they couldn’t get jobs and the laws were bent toward men. We see what happened when all that changed.

    So even in the 50’s and before……..women didn’t want to accommodate men, they had to.

    Human’s by nature do not want to accommodate, ever. Those that want to be in a relationship with another human do……..those that don’t, will not.

    This will not change, this is not based on geographical location, gender, age or ethnicity, only the request are.

    There I said it.

  12. 212
    Chris

    Its not that we dont understand what makes a women like a man, it’s that using pick up techniques is fake and implies that I need to act like I have millions of options with women to get a girlfriend. I don’t like being fake to get a women after me.

    Even if I was successful at attracting women, the process to do it is unfulfilling. Knowing the girl likes me by how ‘popular’ I am with other women. No thanks.

  13. 213
    Bongstar420

    Why is a man always expected to spend money or exert resource command to get sex and love

  14. 214
    Bongstar420

    Exactly

  15. 215
    van

    I actually feel bad for James cuz hes a victim honestly. Women like bad boys because people are for the most part are shallow and they gravitate towards insta gratification especially in America. Like women flock towards bad boys because they advertise shamelessly and its no different than being loud. Idiot make up a majority of the world an idiots buy into flashiness because its like those giant shiny marketing signs. Intelligent girls are rare finds and well they probably all are taken and married in happy lasting relationships. James is ur the stereotypical guy thats another nice guy that couldnt sit down fast enough outta high school when the music stopped in a game of musical chairs. Its the sht reality that theres alot of beautiful trashy women out there and they will always be in the game because no one wants to keep them long term. Its like this if your a girl you could either put time an effort into developing yourself or look good. Its alot easier to look good and get boys to do the work than developing to be a good person so in the end the ratios are all screwed up. Theres alot shtty women especially hot ones cuz everyone wants to take short cuts. The difference is that men dont have the option to look hot and get out of getting a job by hopping into someones lap. James has all the right to be pissed but its not any specific womens fault its how the society works as a whole. Women sell… the higher the bid available the more picky they get. You get trashy scams because thats all thats left the good ones are gone at 16 and longer they stay in the dating game the trashier and more jaded they become. The more friends someone has the less each friend is worth and it applies to bfs and ex bf and love. Sorry James best shot u got is go rob a crib or raise ur own or go to a different country. Women in America are terrible because the dating game teaches them to be shtty cuz they are rewarded for it and taught by the media. Theres alot of honest men out their but very little good honest women cuz those are already locked up and bought out at a young age. As you get older you start having to compete with old man jenkins and his billion dollar account so i mean its pretty hopeless. Musical chairs is a ruthless game if it wasnt it wouldnt be a subject everyone keeps bringing up. The problems really that trashy women cant understand or appreciate decency if they could they wouldnt be trash to begin with. Best chance date a girl whose a super fat hopeless case and treat her well then help her fix her issues and become better. When she sheds all her issues she might become what you wanted. U cant buy love but theres a chance u can make someone hot. Besides it means more to you if you made it urself. Loves the work you put in not something you found by chance.

  16. 216
    X

    Maybe the reason you are still single, men, is because you’re actually threatening assholes.

    No woman I know cares about the money from someone they’ve just gone one date with. The first date is all about determining safety, and if it didn’t dawn on you ‘maybe she acts so tough/ambitious/masculine’ whatever else, it’s a defense mechanism because she just wants to have a good time with someone who won’t abuse her.

    To women, going on dates these days—especially from internet apps, is actually a life threatening risk.

    If it didn’t dawn on you that she quite literally risked her life to sit at the table in front of you, giving heads up texts and details to her family or friends just so she can report that she returned home alive…then understand she already was interested. That’s why she showed up and took that risk.

    In other words, if she shows up to the date in the first place, it’s because she already was very interested.
    If she leaves disinterested, it’s because you did something to make her feel unsafe.

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