Why Don’t Men Hate Being Single As Much As Women Do?

Why Don’t Men Hate Being Single As Much As Women Do?
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Dear Evan,

Why don’t men hate being single as much as women do? I know you say most men are marriage-minded underneath but they seem much less interested in getting into a stable, committed relationship than women do, and seem to drag their heels.

Some of the things I hate about being single are (in no particular order): lack of love, affection and emotional support; not having someone to go on vacation with; not having someone to share domestic tasks with; being excluded from social gatherings because I don’t have a partner; not having someone to talk to at home on a day to day basis; having to cope with the financial burden of being single (apartment, bills etc.); not having a regular source of quality sex available.

Surely these things apply to men just as much as women? If this is the case, why aren’t men jumping up and down with excitement when they meet someone they connect with, like we are? Why aren’t they just as keen as we are to know “where things are going” early on in the relationship? A lot of men my age seem uninterested in a committed relationship, seeming to prefer a more casual “low investment, low return” approach to relationships. Do men actually ENJOY the endless tedium and stress of going on a string of disappointing dates? Or does it all simply come down to the capriciousness of the female orgasm – since men can have an orgasm with practically anyone, they don’t much care who they’re with, whereas if a woman finds someone who’s actually good in bed she’s desperate to hang on to him?! Your insights would be much appreciated.   -Elaine

Dear Elaine,

Love. This. Question.

I particularly love your list of what sucks about being single. As a guy who was single for 35 years, I completely agree and think that — all things remaining equal — having a good relationship is a far superior state of being than being alone.

(This does not mean that I look down on single people or think you should be in an unsatisfying relationship so, please, spare me the complaints.)

My assistant says it’s because when they’re single, they can play video games and watch porn, and if they got a girlfriend, she’d insist they give up one or both.

But what gets me the most excited, Elaine, is that you’ve forced me to consider something that I’ve never actually considered before:

Why Don’t Men Hate Being Single As Much as Women Do?

My assistant says it’s because when they’re single, they can play video games and watch porn, and if they got a girlfriend, she’d insist they give up one or both.

Funny, but probably not the entire picture.

So, together, let’s consider why men are generally cooler with being single than women:

1. Low investment, low return. As I observed in “Why He Disappeared”, this tends to be the way that men deal with most of their relationships. When a man hangs out with another man, he’ll watch sports, play poker, talk trash, grab a few drinks, and maybe talk about whether he’s hooking up. This takes care of most of a man’s basic needs — for companionship, for laughs, for fun.

Men are more likely to define themselves by their careers — What do I do? How much do I earn? What kind of car do I drive? How big is my TV?

As I look at that list, it occurs to me that most of my clients who are perfectly content being single are satisfied with their female friendships. My mom, for example: she volunteers at the hospital, she tap dances in the musical at her clubhouse, she plays canasta with the girls twice a week, she does Sudoku in her garden, she’s on the party-planning committee… and while she misses a travel companion, movie companion and regular sex, life is pretty much okay as it is.

I just think there are more men than women who are okay with low-investment, low-return, that’s all. Which brings us to…

2. Self-definition. Men are more likely to define themselves by their careers — What do I do? How much do I earn? What kind of car do I drive? How big is my TV?

This is unfortunate and short-sighted because nobody dies thinking that he wishes he had a 72” Sony instead of a 64” Vizio. But hey, that’s men.

Women, who are, in general, more emotional and intuitive, are more likely to define their lives by their relationships. So when they lack a partner, they’ll be disproportionately sadder than men, who just bury themselves in more work and (sometimes) play.

Then again, many of my smart, strong, successful clients also bury themselves in their work for a decade, and emerge from their cocoon of success and travel, only to learn that they’re really, really lonely. I can only imagine there are millions of women who haven’t contacted me who continue to immerse themselves in that worldview that success and accomplishment matters more than love. Which brings us to…

3. Communication styles. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: men need more help; women ask for more help. And nowhere is that clearer than in the realm of relationships.

A few thoughts off the top of my head:

– Over twice as many women take anti-depressants, compared to men. I remember reading somewhere that it was about 1 in 6 women vs. 1 in 48 men.

– 90% of the self-help market in bookstores is for women. Seriously, apart from “The Game” have you ever seen a relationship book for men that’s sold in airport bookstores?

– Women maintain closer friendships throughout life. My mom talks to her best friend every day. She has friends who talk to their daughters every day. I’m as sensitive as they come and I talk to my best friends in New York about once a month.

In other words, even if men feel the emotional need to connect, they rarely reach out to do so — with each other, with their families, and with you.

Women talk about their feelings with much greater frequency and intensity, further feeding the perception/reality that they care more about relationships.

4. Sex — Perhaps Charlie Sheen said it best, years ago, when talking about his predilection for prostitutes: “I don’t pay them for sex. I pay them to leave.”

There are a decent number of men out there who don’t really desire the same kind of relationship as you do. Their needs are met by their male friendships and their careers and the last thing they want to do is hold your purse when shopping at Nordstrom.

You can tell who these men are because when they’re not with you, you don’t exist. They’ll call you once a week to hook up and that’s all. These guys play on their terms, not yours and are a total waste of time to any woman trying to forge something real and lasting. It’s like trying to teach a fish to ride a bicycle. In my experience, there are very few women who treat men as if they’re good for nothing but sex.

So yeah, a man’s ability to separate sex and love is another valid reason he’s not terribly upset when he’s single.

The last thing men want to do is hold your purse when shopping at Nordstrom.

5. Expectations about relationships. I think this is the most important point of all. Women expect their relationships to be transcendent. They expect the man to illuminate and inspire. You remember “Eat, Pray, Love,” right? “You don’t need a man. You need a champion.”

Guys don’t work that way. We want someone who is attractive, who doesn’t criticize us or tell us how much we need to change, who we can spend lots of time with without getting bored, who we can bring around our friends and families with minimal incident.

You don’t have to play fantasy football.
You don’t have to make six figures.
You don’t have to have washboard abs.
You don’t have to have an M.B.A.
You don’t have to be spiritual.

As a result, most men can date lots of women.

Women — at least my clients – can only date .0001% of men.

Elizabeth Gilbert, in her follow-up to “Eat, Pray, Love,” called “Committed”, explores these outlandish expectations that Western women have for love — which are nothing like what women in other cultures experience. As a result, Western women are very disappointed in their men, whereas men aren’t nearly as disappointed in women.

In other words, we think you’re fine as you are.

We just hate the fact that you need us to change so much.

As a result of all of these biological and societal observations about men, it shouldn’t be too surprising that there are no Time Magazine cover stories or best-selling books about desperate men.

We can separate sex and love, we define ourselves by our work, we don’t lack dating options, we get 95% of our needs met without female companionship, and we don’t talk about relationships nearly as much.

If there’s anything I missed, please let me know. Guys, please chime in here. Why are you okay not being in a relationship — and how is this different than the women you know?

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Comments:

  1. 21
    maria

    I LOVE being single!!! I feel so sorry for women, especially those in their 20’s and 30’s who were raised to believe that THEY DON’T EXIST WITHOUT A MAN! It is so, so sad! They rely on “getting” a man for all of their happiness, and if they DO manage to get him to the altar, they are misearble afterwars because he is not Prince Charming treating them like the Cinderellas they believe they are!
    If you have a fulfilling job, family, friends, interests, dating life, there is absolutely no reason to believe that a man will make it better. If what you really want is to cater to a man’s every need and massage his ego daily, while he does little for yours, continue to believe the myth!
    A man shouldn’t COMPLETE your life, he should ENHANCE it. It has taken me years to realize this, but I CRINGE when I see the things that girls in their 20’s and 30’s put up with, just to say they “have” a man!
    It is so so sad! Aim high girls, he should be BETTER than you, not a blood-sucking rehab project! Stop compromising yourselves for men, they will respect and want you more! 🙂

    1. 21.1
      MikeG

      I often find that women with the least success with men are most inclined to give other women advice on dating.

      1. 21.1.1
        Michelle

        Because they warn them about the perils of men.

      2. 21.1.2
        John Wright

        I often find that men with the least success with women are the quickest and most adept at putting strong women down.

    2. 21.2
      Mary Bird

      I was in a relationship for all of my adult life. I am literally just getting used to being an individual this year. I just turned 39, have four kids and even though I love the idea of making a man feel good; I am taking care of me. I don’t need to cater to anyone else besides me. Yes, I have to cater to my kids and do all the mom stuff but that’s always been my thing. Now, I have all this extra me to focus on and no one holding me back. I LOVE BEING SINGLE!!!

      1. 21.2.1
        pity

        @ Mary Bird

        39 year old single mother with 4 kids.

        here are a few statistics on children raised by a single mother.

        ——————

        Even after controlling for income, youths in father-absent households still had significantly higher odds of incarceration than those in mother-father families. Youths who never had a father in the household experienced the highest odds.

        Source: Harper, Cynthia C. and Sara S. McLanahan. “Father Absence and Youth Incarceration.” Journal of Research on Adolescence 14 (September 2004): 369-397.

        ————

        Even after controlling for community context, there is significantly more drug use among children who do not live with their mother and father.

        Source: Hoffmann, John P. “The Community Context of Family Structure and Adolescent Drug Use.” Journal of Marriage and Family 64 (May 2002): 314-330.

        ————-

        here is more detail if you are interested..

        http://www.photius.com/feminocracy/facts_on_fatherless_kids.html

        1. lisalin

          Oh, wow, thanks for that one.
          So I should have stayed with my ex who, after we got married of course, got booted out of the military, kept getting himself fired, spent any income on the newest electronic toys to the point of yelling at me for spending money on groceries, rent and electric, verbally abusive to me and our then toddler child and physically abusive to our child? Because obviously my child would be so much better off now?
          You are right, we are not well off financially as we get no support, but I do not think we would have been better off staying. I’ll spare you the details of his internet trolling for any and all types of “hookups.” But thanks for your compassion and understanding.

    3. 21.3
      Michelle

      Great advice for females !! Just wish society taught it through popular media and parenting. I will pass this advice in whenever I can!! Great insight !!

  2. 22
    amazingg0477

    @Miss Solomon – while it may be true that women have the upper hand during dating, this advantage disappears when you want to move from dating mode to relationship mode.   While I am having an amazing time dating, eventually I’m going to want more.   I’m going to want a relationship.   That’s where this male/female dynamic that Evan is talking about is going to come into play.

  3. 23
    Sherell

    It all boils down to whats important to each and what defined’s them.   Men-career, hobbies- Its what they do.   Women- relationships: Its what they feel.   There are exceptions to the rule, as there always is but generally it works this way.

  4. 24
    Steve

    @Miss Soloman #20.     I am predicting that you will get many impassioned replies to your post from the regulars among the female comment authors.

  5. 25
    Michael

    Another great piece, Evan. As an atypical guy (and not-so-coincidentally, a self-help writer for single men), I found dating not only to be “endless tedium and stress” but to be fun and interesting. Then again, I meditate, have made great choices in women (I look fondly on every past relationship and have exactly zero “crazy exes”) and have a pretty strong sense of self-identity that doesn’t involve career or “stuff.” A strong “me” makes me better both alone and in a relationship.
    But the reason I’ve never felt pressure to be in a relationship: I’m comfortable alone without an Internet or cell phone tether, just my own thoughts for company. It truly readjusts me so I can go out and be a better friend and boyfriend. It’s a life skill I think everyone should learn.
    Friendships are important, too, both same-sex and opposite-sex. A really good social network helps in so many ways, including opportunities to meet potential mates. For all the women I dated online and through dating events, my current (and longest-term) girlfriend is a friend of a friend.
    There are a lot of men who want relationships every bit as much as many women do. They just won’t talk about it as readily as women. Many of the guys picking up women at the club really want to fall madly in love, they just don’t know how to get or sustain a relationship, and the lifestyle messes with how they relate to others.

    1. 25.1
      Michelle

      Just teach him to continue to romance their females, care about what she cares about instead of just his own self and treat them nice. it’s so simple, it’s sad. I think male ego won’t allow him to humble himself to serve a female, in the way she serves him. But that’s the answer.

    2. 25.2
      Lilly legs

      Yes very true . Most people do want to love and be loved.

      Sadly , due to personality glitches or previous love traumas, they are too fearful to move past their self created restrictions.

      I strongly believe no one would avoid open hearted sexy loving.   But the full monty of love requires the full monty of risk taking.   The risk of being very deeply hurt.

      Because men generally don’t share their deep feelings,   many do avoid getting deeply into a feeling situation.

      However big risks being big returns 🙂

       

  6. 26
    starthrower68

    Uh oh.   I have met a guy that makes me willing to do everything Evan says and I won’t even go kicking and screaming.   That’s scary.   And this guy does not make as much money as I do, does not have the level of education I have, and is not what I think of when I think of my “type”.   And until this guy came along, I would get the pangs of loneliness, but I learned to reach out to my girlfriends or make the most of my time with my children.   I have never felt the financial imperative to get married because my parents trained me to make my own way in the world. But I think this person can certainly trump being single.   Go figure.

  7. 27
    Ames

    It’s scary to me that men don’t seem to form attachments as women do.

    1. 27.1
      john

      No we don’t beyond our mothers, if at all.

    2. 27.2
      Garret

      The men you see as good enough for you, no they don’t.   For a man to form a strong bond, the woman has to be a bit out of his league.   He has to see her as his ideal woman.   Sadly, much more often than not, the woman won’t give him the time of day because she will consider him to be beneath her.  
      To make the bond much stronger, she then must, through how she treats him, get him to stay for many many years.
      But then the woman’s hormones change and she no longer attaches like she used to.   Then she acts as if she was trapped, not being herself.   She blames the man, etc…   It’s all crap and I for one think men are better off being single.   Far far safer for him in so many ways.

      1. 27.2.1
        faded jade

        Garret @ 27.2 said “ For a man to form a strong bond, the woman has to be a bit out of his league.   He has to see her as his ideal woman.   Sadly, much more often than not, the woman won’t give him the time of day because she will consider him to be beneath her. ”
          
        This is another sad fact that makes relationships difficult.     Just like both people can’t be younger, when everyone   (male and female) insist on only dating younger, problems occur.   Both people can’t lead the relationship.   When both genders want to be pursued,   you can’t have a relationship where both are playing “hard to get”.   It’s also pretty difficult when each person wants to be with someone “above their league”.   This deadlock is usually broken by perception.   The couple could be evenly matched, one could be far better looking than the other, but if they BOTH think they got someone out of their league due to their personal perception of attractiveness, than perhaps a coupling can occur.
        I’ve always just wanted someone who I consider roughly as attractive as myself.   Guys way better looking tend to not treat me well, guys not as good looking, I’m not attracted to. (I think I’m kinda cute, but on the “point scale” I’m the lowest number that can still be considered cute)    So I aim for guys on about the same 1-10 scale as shallow as that sounds, but guys roughly as cute as me, are always chasing something better.
        I considered my ex hubby to be as cute as me.   In fact, we looked very similar (people said we look like brother & sister).   However, he was my secret admirer for a year before asking me out, because he thought I was “out of his league”.   I think it’s laughable that he thought that, but they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder,     and he saw me as way more attractive than most men see me.       In fact, when I met his mother, I didn’t see a resemblance between us, but I saw an old photo of my hubby when he was a toddler on his mother’s lap, and she looked JUST like my high school self.   I found that to be kinda sweet and kind of creepy at the same time.     I guess he really did marry his mother.   (So I guess that would make him a mother – – oh never mind   🙂     )

        1. Alex

          This is why dating foreigners can be great. Both people think of the other person has being more attractive than usual. An Chinese girl thought ugly by Chinese men looks pretty good to me and vice versa.

    3. 27.3
      John

      Ames, but men do form attachments with certain other males, and if civil and reasonable, with women too.

  8. 28
    Maeve

    Uhhhh…
      
    In my experience, men HATE being single. In all of my relationships the guy was much more eager to lock the whole thing down and get to the boyfriend/girlfriend part than I was. They were quicker to the gun with “I love you” and started talking about marriage and kids way before I was ready to. Recent studies have shown that men say “I love you” faster in most relationships and are more eager to commit at the beginning.
      
    Women also initiate the majority of divorces (about 2/3) in large part because they are MORE OK with being single. When men initiate a divorce, they are much more likely to have someone waiting in the wings, jumping from relationship to relationship. Ex-husbands remarry faster than ex-wives. I know the stereotype is that men are commitmentphobes, but honestly, I’ve never seen it, and the data don’t support it. I’d suggest your letter-writer is just dating the wrong guys.

    1. 28.1
      MikeG

      Women initiate a majority of divorces because they are more okay with splitting half the assets they largely didn’t work for.   You are correct that certain kind of women are less willing to settle into stable relationships in their 20s; those women often meander into their 40s without compelling a man to commit.

      1. 28.1.1
        Hmm

        If she’s taking care of all the domestic affairs (cooking, cleaning, errands, kids) then she definitely is owed something in a divorce. The reason why they take half your assets is that traditionally (and still to this day) women are expected to make occupational sacrifices in order to take care of the house (you know all the never ending unpaid work that men aren’t expected to do). No to mention, if she’s been nothing but a housewife for several years then there’s a big gap in her resume, and thus it’s a lot more difficult for her to find a job. And of course now given the economy both men and women have to work, but then once again, women are often the ones expected to do most of the house work once they come home.

        1. JennLee

          The problem that most men have with this is that the law basically assumes that the woman did all of these things. I know women, both friends and family who do do this, but I also know women who sit at home and then expect the man to come home and do his “fair share.” I see situations where the man must iron his own shirts, and where the woman does it. I see situations where she does all of the housework, and has dinner on the table when he walks in, and I’ve seen where he has to cook a good majority of the time when he comes home, and has to chip in with a good portion of the housework. And then you have the situations where he goes to work, and does his part, and never throws it in her face how hard he sacrificed, but she will be quick to make sure he knows just how hard it was to stay home and take care of the kids.

          I do know a professional peer who has given up her career for the moment to stay home and raise her children. Her choice, husband agreed. He was not initially for this. So it is he who had to make sacrifices. She is getting what she wants. However, to her credit, she takes her job at home seriously. She treats it as her job. She gets up just before he does, showers, then gets dressed as if she were running a home day care. In other words she dresses appropriately to work at home but also receive guests. Then while he showers, she makes his coffee and breakfast. Then she goes through her morning ritual with the children.

          She plans meals for the entire week, makes shopping lists based off of that, and only buys what is on the list. This prevents waste.

          She does all of the laundry and irons the clothes before hanging them, or folding them and putting them away.

          In addition to doing the daily chores, she deep cleans one room per day during the week.

          You get the picture. She is a professional, so she treats her job as a professional, even if that job is being a housewife.

          If you are a housewife, and do not approach your job as a housewife in this professional manner, then are you really doing your fair share? No.

          Men I have known as friends, and dated have given me many stories about how many American women approach being a housewife. First, learned that not all are the same, which shouldn’t be surprising, but for the most part, very few even come close to how my friend approaches it. I’ve heard stories of women spending a good portion of the day sleeping, as well as many variations on the woman not doing the things that need to be done, and then complaining how hard her day is. You get the picture.

      2. 28.1.2
        Sass

        80 percent of women with children work outside the home. Even for women with children under 5 the number is still over 60 percent. So what assets were “unearned” again?

        Just because a woman is in her 40s and not married doesn’t mean she couldn’t find someone to commit. I did not marry the first guy who proposed to me and I know many women who say the same.

        Of course when you’re a bitter divorcee who only wants to blame his ex and never himself for his failed marriage, none of that matters.

    2. 28.2
      Janko Grahovac

      >men HATE being single.

      No, they don’t. Google “Sexodus”. More and more men, globally, enjoy being single more than ever.

      >Recent studies have shown that men say “I love you” faster in most relationships and are more eager to commit at the beginning.

      Hmmm…. source?

      >Women also initiate the majority of divorces (about 2/3) in large part because they are MORE OK with being single.

      Wrong. Women initiate two thirds of the divorces because they have financial incentive from a biased family courts system to do so.
      Once you get past the 10 year barrier – the incentives are extremely strong for women. They not only get the house, the car and the kids – but also lifetime alimony (or better named vaginamony because women paying alimony is as rare as Siberian tigers -> they exist, but mostly in pictures).

  9. 29
    Ian

    I think lots of men do hate being single as much as this woman. I know I have friends who are in that position and I was that way when I first got divorced. The problem is that women don’t want those men because they are “needy”, I know I was. By the time I’d gotten my life together enough to attract women and them want me for a serious relationship, I was enjoying being single. Doing what i wanted, when I wanted without having to feel guilty about my desire to be alone. I think the difference is that men if they don’t have someone to do something with are more willing to go alone, including traveling.

    1. 29.1
      Marius

      Ian
      I agree, you make a few good points I can relate with.

    2. 29.2
      john

      Ian sorry but I have met believe it or not over a million people in my life and I clearly see men as being more comfortable living alone though not perfect, than women hence the anti-depressants one didn’t see from women of the WW2 generation  and before that Ian.   There are definable reasons why it was that way yet has suddenly within one generation namely the Boomer women, gone sad and bad.   The Pill has MUCH MUCH to do with this grief.   It should never ever been allowed and Libs can argue  all they want but the costs in all ways from the Pill has been enormous.   Our creator did not intend us to go to that extreme  control of hormonal flows.   It is frankly to a wholesome natural thinker, insane to think the Pill was good for women or society.   There have been other drastic changes since the say 60s  too yet, most young people don’t want to hear from  older wiser folks so  all is lost Ian    

    3. 29.3
      Fred

      You obviously haven’t heard of MGTOW. A GROWING movement of men who are shunning marriage outright because of the bias in family court, and western women who are simply too high maintainance. Women have simply priced themselves out of the market. I’ve been out of a relationship for over 6 years, and never felt better! Other than being a provider, women seem to expect us to be a constant entertainer; they simply don’t have the imagination or ability to entertain themselves like most men can. They just bitch and complain.

      1. 29.3.1
        Mike

        “…they simply don’t have the imagination or ability to entertain themselves like most men can. They just bitch and complain.”

        That’s complete crap, and you should know that. Yes, women have been b!tch!ing endlessly about men for most of my life, and it’s fun to see men giving it back to them. They, on the whole, deserve it. But, they have the same abilities men do and, often enough, more.

        I think the thing is, men desire women, and women expect that. All that care they give to their looks? That, at root, is about being attractive to men. We hear about it being about being attractive to other women, but that’s because they simply expect it to work on men. When it doesn’t, that’s a disturbing blow to the ego. Women have been messing with the system for decades now, and it’s having repercussions many of them weren’t counting on. While I personally like women as individuals – endlessly charming and friendly, really – it doesn’t hurt my feelings to see them get a little come-uppance.

      2. 29.3.2
        TONY

        BRAVO FRED. MGTOW TRUMPS WOMEN. MGTOW- THE NEXT STEP IN HUMAN EVOLUTION. BTW IM A 51 YR OLD MGTOW AND I WEAR IT WITH PRIDE.

      3. 29.3.3
        John

        I generally agree because I have witnessed this all too often even when I keep my mouth closed Fred.

    4. 29.4
      Sass

      The grass is always greener. We’re all guilty of that thinking.

  10. 30
    starthrower68

    @ Maeve #28,

    I think that while it’s not true of all men or all women, you are correct in the majority of cases.   If this blog is any indication, women want the time to explore what went wrong and how not to go there again before the next relationship.   I also think that in a lot of cases, women were the heavy lifters in the relationship and simply need a break from it to re-charge.   Whereas men think getting into the next relationship means all their problems are solved.   Again, I’m not saying this is true of all men or women, but I’ve seen it a lot.

  11. 31
    InsertPseudonymHere

    Maybe men more often are happy or satisfied with their lives, partner or not, than women.  Keep in mind, Evan’s clients, and probably many of the folks on this blog, are people who are not entirely happy with their love life. The people who are satisfied with their lives, male or female won’t post here! Maybe  Evan tends to see   the folks who go to Evan have been putting too much pressure on their relationships to make them happy, and that is why their relationships fail.
    Lisa M. #8 touches on this.   She is a fulfilled happy person without a relationship (though why she is irritated at other women when they feel getting married fulfills them is worth examining.)
    @Michael 25 My brother you have got it. Hear, hear! Ian figured it out too. Being content with himself made him ready for a serious relationship.   This applies to both genders.
      

    1. 31.1
      allie

      I agree a little Zen in a relationship will help the couple enjoy the little time in the day they have together when they are not working , exercising and doing other things apart. I do prefer the concept of  enjoying companionship with a partner rather than an improvement project or putting someone on the pedestal.
      I guess we look up to our parents when we are young, and we are looking for that hero in someone as adults too.  I suppose trying to find the strengths in someone and appreciating them could influence/suggest for  them to go in a certain direction but  ultimately it’s up to the individual whether a habit  is worth  changing.

  12. 32
    mslove

    This is a excellent read & I found it humorous.  
    i don’t think people should get defensive about Evan stating men wanting to be single. The topic asked ” why don’t men MIND being single”
    Us women, NO MATTER WHAT ANY WOMAN SAYS, obsess about being single sometimes. We get desperate, needy and lonely-then question ourselves.
    What I have found to work with me is, think like a man and act like a lady. Bottom line.
    Men are different from women. All you can do is learn how to love yourself, enjoy your life and whatever man comes along that you decide to accept-no matter HOW long that friendship or relationship lasts.
    We ALL want forever. Sometimes we have to appreciate who is in front of us and learn from the lesson they are trying to teach us.

  13. 33
    m

    Because women are punished for being single in our culture far more harshly than men are.
      
    “Over twice as many women take anti-depressants, compared to men”
      
    I think in part this is because men are stigmatized in our culture for depression.
      
    I also believe that women are expected to be more patient with worse situations for longer periods of time, and without any complaint (even when something is legitimately wrong, as when people shrug about “unfair” situations and say “it is what it is” instead of calling it out and/or doing something about it).
    As a result, women are somatized by anti-depressant medication, so as to be desensitized to the things that are legitimately wrong so they don’t matter to them so much … so no one who has a vested interest in the status quo has to listen to them complain and actually consider fixing what’s wrong.
      
    Witty article.

    1. 33.1
      Marius

      I just cannot help laughing at this pathetic American woman victim mentality, form the first day a girl is born she is such a victim and so deprived from her humanity, she will grow up and treat men like second class beings but she is such a victim by her pure existence. The day she was born and forced by a male dominated world to breathe oxygen she was victimized and deprived from her choices. LOL
      Oh my word its so freaking funny how all these American women are such helpless victims….I guess most men don’t want to talk to you out of fear of being seen as a abuser. The moment she don’t get what she wants she is such a helpless victim again. There is no point in reasoning with this, one can only laugh.
      I really think this is why so many men pay dominatrix’s, only to get away from this annoying victim mentality.

    2. 33.2
      lisalin

      I hear you, m. I, too, was taught to “put up and shut up,” especially through religion, to avoid the shame of being a loser in marriage.
      It has been a long road. I was pressed to take anti-depressants, too, instead of accepting that the relationship was hopeless. So glad I refused.
      I left with my child and the shirts on our backs. It would be easier with some sort of support, but I still got the better end of the deal. Sometimes you do have to move to get out from under the pressure exerted by others about how to live life.

    3. 33.3
      Marius

      I said that in a insensitive way, but it is truly the images projected. The problem I see form women is that unintentionally men and women is dancing and making moves that compliment each other. The fact is that the more victim mentality women develop the more Macho mentality men develop that actually make matters worse, you endup in a war and not a transformation. men cannot look at women as equals while looking at them as helpless babies. I would love men to look at women as equals, but its not that easy if women dont play the part correctly.
      I once have a contact from Russia visiting me she don’t even know but she came to stay and sleep over at my place, I still wanted to prepare the sleeper couch for her and here she already sorted it out for herself, I still wanted of offer he coffee and here she was busy making me and for her. after dinner I was doing the dished she laughed and said why am I doing it? I was shocked. but anyway in the few days she was there I just naturally felt all senses of leadership, control and decision making relaxes as if I confidently know she has herself sorted and let her to do her own thing. My idea that she needs me to get along vanished.   I don’t need to worry about her or tell her what to do or sort out her problems. That’s the first time I realized how important it is for women to play the correct role if they need to be seen as equals.   As a man, I love it.   The funny thing is, she was not bitchy, she was not cocky or arrogant, she had good manners and well spoken, but confident and in control of her own life and environment. It was an eye-opener for me to why women in my own country struggle so much for equality and respect. They in away do it to themselves indirectly.
      But this victim mentality is what throw guys towards being more macho adding fuel to the fire. This is actually the result of a study I was reading about where they examined different European countries and compared gender attitudes.
      Many women instinctively think that if they cry men would help them out which is true, and if they cry harder men would help them up onto the equality platform which is false. just the opposite happens, the more women cry about everything the more men view women as incapable and helpless, thus explaining why men would feel more macho around them and assume them selves to be the stronger sex.
      So ladies in my experience, if anything try to move away from this victim roles and move to confident roles where you take charge for your own lives, take life as it comes, acknowledge your role you play in your life, take responsibility and learn to be confident, men will value it more, respect you more and be less macho about it.
      The idea that men always want to control women is a myth, it only exist in a particular scenario which women often help to create.

      1. 33.3.1
        Frankie

        I you’ve ever been around Russian men, you’d realize the depressing truth as to why Russian women are so self-sufficient…

  14. 34
    hunter

    Women mature sooner than men????….I don’t like saying this,, I think, women mature……..and that is all…

    1. 34.1
      Marius

      Hunter
      you need to be more specific about how you define maturity to validate that statement. The facts are, women reach puberty before males do on average about 2 years sooner, however men reach their prime before women do, men around 21 and women around 32, there are different stats that vary slightly but this is a popular statistic.   However for any other definition of maturity there is no standardized measure in order to quantitative compare men and women with. as I said, how do you define maturity is that validate or invalidate that statement.

  15. 35
    Angie

    @Maeve 28
      
    I agree in a certain sense.   I think when men finally are ready to “be serious” they act this way.   They decide they like you, and are SHOCKED – SHOCKED SHOCKED SHOCKED when you are like “Well, no”.
      
    I had a female friend breakup with a guy she dated in grad school, then they casually dated for the remainder of their last year, and he proposed. She said NO and “We never talked about marriage” and his response was “I thought this is what every girl wanted”. (AFTER she downgraded the relationship).
      
    I had a guy say to me while I was living abroad “This isn’t serious, b/c you are leaving in a few months”.   I said “Yes, I know”.   When it was time for me to leave, he said “I love you, please stay.”   I said “Umm, I never bothered developing feelings for you, bye”.   (This is not the first time this happened. I had a boyfriend when I was around 24 tell my parents he planned to propose after I told him “I can’t see myself ever marrying you, or getting married at all.   Maybe when I’m 30″… which I was correct b/c in the last year or so I really can envision that type of commitment.   He was shocked that after he pouted all the time about me traveling a lot for work and suggesting I quit so we could “settle down”… again, at 24, that I ended it with “But I put up with it for so long!”).
      
    Ok, that’s my rant. :-P… But I think men aren’t as good at determining whether or not a girl is into him b/c a lot of guys assume “Duh, you’re female, you must be into me b/c I’m a guy”.
      
    But I do agree with Evan.   Being in a new city makes me wish I had a boyfriend more than when I was in my old city, primarily due to the fact I only have two good female friends, and a few other casual friends here.   I just wish I had a full social calendar, and it wouldn’t hurt if I loved that person.

  16. 36
    Venus

    Men who have been in a long term relationship or married, really hate being single.   Although they may rely on their jobs, and achievements for validation they still require the nurturing and support that they don’t or can’t get from their job or friends.         Women, as the article states, are more comfortable reaching out to other women friends and family for that type of nurturing and support, they tend to have a stronger network of friends and activities and are better able to survive the emotional assault of being alone.      
    I also believe that being in a meaningful relationship gives a guy a sense of purpose and provides him with a certain amount of grounding.     Just because they are slower to commit does not mean that they prefer to be single.   They are wired to hold out for the best possible option.     We as women are just looking for a good fit.
    It is usually the immature guys and the consummate bachelors that are content in their singlehood and player’s status.

  17. 37
    Anisa

    I love # 21!!

    We (women) have to get rid of all the “labels” others are putting on us. Especially the ones we are putting on each other.

    Celebrating our femininity will make us completely happy with ourself and with the life we create for ourselves. Celebrating our femininity will make us NOT being needy for male companionship.

  18. 38
    JB

    I guess it’s a little confusing as to what “Single” actually is defined as in the context of this discussion. Single by definition = unmarried.So if you are in a serious committed relationship of 6 yrs. you are still “single” even though theoretically you’re happy,content,and “unavailable”

    Nevertheless as a man who’s never been married nor wanted to be I hate not being in a healthy relationship but I DON’T hate being “unmarried”. Dating and trying to find a relationship at 50 is about 10% of what it was at 38 meaning I used to meet women all the time in “target rich” fun environments in my area without all the online dating bulls**t.It was a great time and every week I loved being “single” except during the times I was in a relationship that I was happy with. These days that whole scene is gone and I’m left with online dating and “Meet Up” groups.

    So to answer the question…. I may hate not being in a relationship but being single “unmarried”(theoretically divorced) doesn’t bother me at all.

  19. 39
    Diana

    Interesting posts and article. The question of whether men hate being single depends on the man and especially, where he is in life, and how emotionally healthy he is. For example, how many men will go from one relationship to another because they don’t want to deal with their issues or they can’t stand being without female companionship? Many men feel a need to be nurtured, to be taken care of. I suspect the writer’s just not meeting quality men.
      
    Evan’s words of … “Even if men feel the emotional need to connect, they rarely reach out to do so — with each other, with their families, and with you” couldn’t be any truer, and sometimes this can work against them. As for the use of antidepressants, maybe a little bit of this has to do with how men may not realize as fully as women they might have a problem. Men are also less likely to reach out for medical help period. They don’t want to be seen or see themselves as weak or vulnerable. Again, this can be detrimental.
      
    And Evan is right, too, in that many women expect their men to be able to illuminate and inspire. But I think a large part of this way of thinking is due to all of the messages society teaches them starting very early on. It’s the “prince and princess” folly. Not only the messages about how to think and feel about men, love, marriage, etc., but how they’re somehow worth less without a man. Society puts tremendous pressure on women to conform, even with some of today’s more enlightened views. Society talks out of both sides of its mouth.
      
    As for the expectation that women have for men to change, the other side of the coin is that men expect women to never change, and that’s just as unfair and unrealistic. Everyone changes, in one way or another.
      
    It takes strong women to raise strong, healthy daughters who don’t feel they have to conform to the standard ideas about themselves, men, etc. Find your own way, your own voice. Be your own person first and foremost. Live a full and contented life. Have the ability to provide for yourself, and not be dependent on someone else financially or emotionally. Then if you happen to meet someone who compliments and adds more meaning to your life, great. But don’t go about it the other way around because you will not feel truly fulfilled, if you do.
      
      

  20. 40
    Jadafisk

    “The average 42 year old man has more dating options than does a 42 year old woman — he can date a 22 year old or a 52 year old.”
    Not really. If he can do it, he’s less likely to face social stigma, but AVERAGE 42 year old men don’t have 22 year old options. Now, theoretical 22 year old options – the same kind that exist for most older women – can get in the way of an average 42 year old man settling down, but that’s different.
    33 “I think in part this is because men are stigmatized in our culture for depression.”
    They are. Men are way more likely to abuse illicit substances and alcohol for this reason, and they take the lead when it comes to suicides.
      

    1. 40.1
      Marius

      Jadafisk
      You are correct, only because women take twice as much antidepressants than men does not mean women are twice as depressed, or half as happy, in my country men commit suicide 4.5 times as much as women, men commit more suicide than women in all countries accept China.   this is a measure that say how much men cannot stand being alive anymore.   Often people confuse the fact that women use more antidepressants than men with women being twice as much depressed. Women are more likely to reach for help or to show clinical symptoms of depression like crying. While most depressed women end-up at the doctor, more depressed men end-up in prison characterized as behavior problem and not depression. But both have same underlying cause. Anxiety is key and anxiety leave you with two options, fight or flight, while most women would suffer a flight response men might be more likely to have a fight response that land them in trouble. while women are more likely to sit with five different antidepressant prescriptions, men are more likely to have five bottles of hard liquor open at a time. Furthermore men and women respond different and each society, medical center or culture have their own ways of defining happiness. it is almost impossible to quantitatively measure it. as there is no reference standard. you may suffer a death of a family member, the doctor prescribe you a antidepressant to help you cope, it does not mean you suffer a mental illness like depression, its purely a life event and its normal. Depression is a result of long-term anxiety and long term stress, men are also known to endure more stress than women, however women since the gender revolution also carry much more stress than before and an increase in heart problems as a result.  
      Men are also 9-12 times more likely to commit suicide during divorce than women depending which statistics you look at. there is a good chance that if you could quantify happiness that women are not really worse off than men.

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