Why Don’t Men Hate Being Single As Much As Women Do?

Why Don’t Men Hate Being Single As Much As Women Do? Dear Evan,

Why don’t men hate being single as much as women do? I know you say most men are marriage-minded underneath but they seem much less interested in getting into a stable, committed relationship than women do, and seem to drag their heels.

Some of the things I hate about being single are (in no particular order): lack of love, affection and emotional support; not having someone to go on vacation with; not having someone to share domestic tasks with; being excluded from social gatherings because I don’t have a partner; not having someone to talk to at home on a day to day basis; having to cope with the financial burden of being single (apartment, bills etc.); not having a regular source of quality sex available.

Surely these things apply to men just as much as women? If this is the case, why aren’t men jumping up and down with excitement when they meet someone they connect with, like we are? Why aren’t they just as keen as we are to know “where things are going” early on in the relationship? A lot of men my age seem uninterested in a committed relationship, seeming to prefer a more casual “low investment, low return” approach to relationships. Do men actually ENJOY the endless tedium and stress of going on a string of disappointing dates? Or does it all simply come down to the capriciousness of the female orgasm – since men can have an orgasm with practically anyone, they don’t much care who they’re with, whereas if a woman finds someone who’s actually good in bed she’s desperate to hang on to him?! Your insights would be much appreciated.  -Elaine

Dear Elaine,

Love. This. Question.

I particularly love your list of what sucks about being single. As a guy who was single for 35 years, I completely agree and think that – all things remaining equal – having a good relationship is a far superior state of being than being alone.

(This does not mean that I look down on single people or think you should be in an unsatisfying relationship so, please, spare me the complaints.)

My assistant says it’s because when they’re single, they can play video games and watch porn, and if they got a girlfriend, she’d insist they give up one or both.

But what gets me the most excited, Elaine, is that you’ve forced me to consider something that I’ve never actually considered before:

Why Don’t Men Hate Being Single As Much as Women Do?

My assistant says it’s because when they’re single, they can play video games and watch porn, and if they got a girlfriend, she’d insist they give up one or both.

Funny, but probably not the entire picture.

So, together, let’s consider why men are generally cooler with being single than women:

1. Low investment, low return. As I observed in “Why He Disappeared”, this tends to be the way that men deal with most of their relationships. When a man hangs out with another man, he’ll watch sports, play poker, talk trash, grab a few drinks, and maybe talk about whether he’s hooking up. This takes care of most of a man’s basic needs – for companionship, for laughs, for fun.

Men are more likely to define themselves by their careers – What do I do? How much do I earn? What kind of car do I drive? How big is my TV?

As I look at that list, it occurs to me that most of my clients who are perfectly content being single are satisfied with their female friendships. My mom, for example: she volunteers at the hospital, she tap dances in the musical at her clubhouse, she plays canasta with the girls twice a week, she does Sudoku in her garden, she’s on the party-planning committee… and while she misses a travel companion, movie companion and regular sex, life is pretty much okay as it is.

I just think there are more men than women who are okay with low-investment, low-return, that’s all. Which brings us to…

2. Self-definition. Men are more likely to define themselves by their careers – What do I do? How much do I earn? What kind of car do I drive? How big is my TV?

This is unfortunate and short-sighted because nobody dies thinking that he wishes he had a 72” Sony instead of a 64” Vizio. But hey, that’s men.

Women, who are, in general, more emotional and intuitive, are more likely to define their lives by their relationships. So when they lack a partner, they’ll be disproportionately sadder than men, who just bury themselves in more work and (sometimes) play.

Then again, many of my smart, strong, successful clients also bury themselves in their work for a decade, and emerge from their cocoon of success and travel, only to learn that they’re really, really lonely. I can only imagine there are millions of women who haven’t contacted me who continue to immerse themselves in that worldview that success and accomplishment matters more than love. Which brings us to…

3. Communication styles. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: men need more help; women ask for more help. And nowhere is that clearer than in the realm of relationships.

A few thoughts off the top of my head:

• Over twice as many women take anti-depressants, compared to men. I remember reading somewhere that it was about 1 in 6 women vs. 1 in 48 men.

• 90% of the self-help market in bookstores is for women. Seriously, apart from “The Game” have you ever seen a relationship book for men that’s sold in airport bookstores?

• Women maintain closer friendships throughout life. My mom talks to her best friend every day. She has friends who talk to their daughters every day. I’m as sensitive as they come and I talk to my best friends in New York about once a month.

In other words, even if men feel the emotional need to connect, they rarely reach out to do so – with each other, with their families, and with you.

Women talk about their feelings with much greater frequency and intensity, further feeding the perception/reality that they care more about relationships.

4. Sex – Perhaps Charlie Sheen said it best, years ago, when talking about his predilection for prostitutes: “I don’t pay them for sex. I pay them to leave.”

There are a decent number of men out there who don’t really desire the same kind of relationship as you do. Their needs are met by their male friendships and their careers and the last thing they want to do is hold your purse when shopping at Nordstrom.

You can tell who these men are because when they’re not with you, you don’t exist. They’ll call you once a week to hook up and that’s all. These guys play on their terms, not yours and are a total waste of time to any woman trying to forge something real and lasting. It’s like trying to teach a fish to ride a bicycle. In my experience, there are very few women who treat men as if they’re good for nothing but sex.

So yeah, a man’s ability to separate sex and love is another valid reason he’s not terribly upset when he’s single.

The last thing men want to do is hold your purse when shopping at Nordstrom.

5. Expectations about relationships. I think this is the most important point of all. Women expect their relationships to be transcendent. They expect the man to illuminate and inspire. You remember “Eat, Pray, Love,” right? “You don’t need a man. You need a champion.”

Guys don’t work that way. We want someone who is attractive, who doesn’t criticize us or tell us how much we need to change, who we can spend lots of time with without getting bored, who we can bring around our friends and families with minimal incident.

You don’t have to play fantasy football.
You don’t have to make six figures.
You don’t have to have washboard abs.
You don’t have to have an M.B.A.
You don’t have to be spiritual.

As a result, most men can date lots of women.

Women – at least my clients – can only date .0001% of men.

Elizabeth Gilbert, in her follow-up to “Eat, Pray, Love,” called “Committed”, explores these outlandish expectations that Western women have for love – which are nothing like what women in other cultures experience. As a result, Western women are very disappointed in their men, whereas men aren’t nearly as disappointed in women.

In other words, we think you’re fine as you are.

We just hate the fact that you need us to change so much.

As a result of all of these biological and societal observations about men, it shouldn’t be too surprising that there are no Time Magazine cover stories or best-selling books about desperate men.

We can separate sex and love, we define ourselves by our work, we don’t lack dating options, we get 95% of our needs met without female companionship, and we don’t talk about relationships nearly as much.

If there’s anything I missed, please let me know. Guys, please chime in here. Why are you okay not being in a relationship – and how is this different than the women you know?

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  1. 61
    still looking

    Wow – I responded candidly to Evan’s invitation to chime in as to why I, as a man, am okay with not being in a relationship and obviously offended some of the readers.  

    First, I did not intend to offend anyone.  I guess I could have sugar-coated my response and lied about the availability of women to date, the availability of women for intimate conversations, my level of happiness, etc. but I don’t think that would have been beneficial.

    Let me try to provide some answers here that will hopefully help the readers of this blog to understand my perspective.

    @ Ruby 47 and @ Sayanta 48 –  I’m 49 years old.  I did not  list my income, profession, level of attractiveness, physique, or any other personal characteristics because that is irrelevant.  What is relevant is that I have fulfilling relationships with women, I don’t have any difficulty finding women that would like to have sex with me, and I have never had a difficult time finding women to date.  I do find it strange that you infer that I have a sense of entitlement and am smug.  Did you ever consider how many dates a week you could have if you initiated contact, asked someone out, and paid for the dates?  You don’t have to be The Boss, even with kids at home, to have plenty of dates.  Also, do you recall Evan’s blog about what guys are looking for?  Attractive & fun.  Throw in a broad age group of 35-55 and yes, the supply of attractive, fun 35-55 year old women does in fact seem rather limitless.  Not smug – just the facts.

    @ InsertPseudonymHere 52 – Thanks for the encouragement and words of wisdom.  I do have a limited number of men that I’m fairly close to but most men my age are either married and focused on their families or are focused on the dating life.  For emotional intimacy I really prefer my platonic girl friends.  You also stated that my comment on the availability of sex was smug and my view toward sex was more casual than yours.  I’m curious why you thought my comments were smug.  I merely stated sex, while not a prime motivator (for remaining single and being content with being single), was readily available.  Should I pretend that I can’t have sex and therefore I’m miserable being single?  Is there a woman on this blog who can honestly state that sex is not readily available?  BTW – just because I state “readily available” doesn’t mean I avail myself to every opportunity.  Sorry if that sounds smug 🙂  I have conditions/requirements before I have sex but that doesn’t change the fact that sex is readily available if I so choose.

    @ Gem 54 – you’re such a gem!! 🙂

    @ Margo 56 –  How in the world do you translate “Sex, while not a prime motivator, is readily available” to “I find women, take sex from them, get my rocks off, use them as a sperm receptacle, and offer no commitment” ?????  Read what I wrote one more time and see if somehow you can possibly glean that while the opportunity for sex is present, sex is not a primary motivating factor for me.  Also, please consider the fact that while having sex outside of a committed/exclusive relationship is not condoned by everyone, not every man who engages in sex prior to a committed/exclusive relationship is treating the woman as a sperm receptacle nor is the woman a slut.  There are plenty of wonderful people having sex everyday who are not seeking a commitment.  

    @ Venus 58 – Venus I am extremely open and honest with every woman I date.  Probably too open at times.  The majority of women reciprocate.  Some tell me they are enjoying the dating life and are in no hurry (i.e. not desperate) to find Mr. Right and others tell me they don’t want to waste time going out with someone who isn’t seriously looking for a committed relationship (which reminds me of a used car salesman I met years ago — don’t waste my time if you aren’t ready to sign a check today!).

    I’ve had a number of in-depth conversations with women about relationships, marriage, being single, the trials/tribulations of dating, etc.  One fairly consistent observation I’ve made is the longer the time period a woman has been single, the more content she is with remaining single for the foreseeable future (most want to re-marry again eventually but are quite happy with their independence for now).  The newly separated/divorced women seem to be much more anxious to find a long term relationship.  Anyone care to comment on this observation or to contrast it with their observation of men?

    1. 61.1

      Still Looking, I don’t take it as you being smug or entitled.  It’s the world we live in and it’s no secret that there are a great many women who choose to be sexually active without commitment. Really, if Ruby and Sayanta think about it, they are just as able to do the same.  Not that they would choose to, but unless we’re say, maybe Quasi Modo, casual sex is not difficult for any of us to obtain if we want it.  A committed, long term relationship that leads to marriage is a different story.  And I’m not necessarily sure that’s a bad thing. At least so far, we can only be married to one person at a time, so we should choose wisely and choose well.

  2. 62

    Evan, great sound advice and article, as always.  Very interesting comments.  From someone who at one time wanted to marry and settle down, that was in many long term relationships and also single for a while, I finally see the light!  It’s about timing, compatibility, compromise and being authentic to yourself and to your partner.  No dreams or fantasies or false pretenses, just honesty, laughter, slow healthy growth, chemistry, communication and a willingness to make some effort on both sides can equal all the answers to confusion on dating.  Men are usually very clear on what they want, while woman are wrapped up in a fantasy.  I agree with most of the comments made on this subject.  Now that I have found an amazing relationship with all I ever wanted from a man, I can say to women, be patient, and be fun.  It shouldn’t be hard work, enjoy the journey and take the pressure off.  Men like “easy, comfortable, enjoyable AND stimulating”.  All in all be yourself and the right partner will show up, sometimes in a different way you imagined. It’s worth the wait!  To get something you have never had before, you have to do something you have never done before.

  3. 63

    If I were content with casual sex, I wouldn’t seek a relationship either.  Similar to another poster, I don’t want a husband or a live in boyfriend.  I just want a companion, friend, and lover.  Finding a man who wants to be all three has been extremely  hard.  As a woman, the fact that I can have an abundant supply of sex if I chose to doesn’t make me feel good.  Instead it makes me feel profoundly sad that for so many men that’s all the value I have,  and that value only lasts until the sex is over.  If I could learn to regard sex the way many men do, I’d be a much happier woman.

  4. 64

    @47 Ruby.

    His post wasn’t a result of entitlment. In fact, that was a post by a male that is actually rather respectable and probably a bit of a catch to be honest.

    He was just being truthful. I come across men, who believe they are entitled. Like the man who says, he has the “right” to lie to a woman to get sex. This is the man who “thinks” he’s entitled to sex, therefore if a woman doesn’t give it, he will get it through any means and it is HER fault, that HE lies.

    That is an entitled male.

    Still looking, sounds like a good man.

  5. 65

    “Still looking’s” post could be simply an honest post of how he lives. He neither denigrated anyone else’s lifestyle nor demanded anyone follow his.
    When a woman states she “has plenty of options, career success, travels, lives financially and emotionally independently and freely, doesn’t need a (straight) man–except for occasional casual sex, focuses on friends and family, charity, spiritualism, pets, yoga,” etc. she’s often hailed as a heroine or icon. The modern media is filled with such figures.
    So then what’s wrong with “still looking”’s similarly free lifestyle?
    I rather think “still looking’s” lifestyle is natural, optimal and even an inspiration. More power to him and to any of us men who can strive to reach that level.

  6. 66

    @Still Looking 64

    I was not specific enough.  You sounded smug.  Doesn’t mean you are.   As for the “Readily available? part, again you never said you were hopping into bed with someone different every week, but that could be read into how you wrote.  A lot of nuance is lost when something is written. Apologies for misinterpreting.

  7. 67

    Oh my gosh ~ this string has really become interesting. 🙂 To still looking #45, I thought your post was just being honest. I can see why some posters responded as they did though, and your second posting helps to clarify. Middle-aged single men do seem to have better options than middle-aged single women. The one issue that kind of sprang to my attention was your enthusiastic “freedom” endorsement. I wondered whether your former marriage felt stifling or oppressive, perhaps non-supportive, and whether you have full custody of your children, their ages, etc. As a single parent myself, my life stays pretty full taking care of my children full-time.
    In response to your second posting, in theory, sex is readily available to me. However, I have boundaries and expectations that you and others may not have. Primarily, I have to know and feel that the man is genuinely interested in me and my life before I will cross that bridge, no matter how great my desire for sex may be. The good news is that this cuts through a tremendous amount of sludge (the pond feeders), but it’s challenging to find a really good, emotionally healthy man who’s a good fit for me and who feels that I’m a good fit for him. This doesn’t mean that I am hoping for anything long-term, depending on what your definition of long-term is, or a life-time commitment. My approach is to casually date and see where life takes it. I love being single, too, and I think it’s important to respect a man’s individuality and his life, and I expect the same.

  8. 68

    Still Looking #64

    “One fairly consistent observation I’ve made is the longer the time period a woman has been single, the more content she is with remaining single for the foreseeable future (most want to re-marry again eventually but are quite happy with their independence for now).  
    The newly separated/divorced women seem to be much more anxious to find a long term relationship.”

    I can only speak for myself and some girlfriends who’ve gone through divorce following long (10+ yrs) marriages. Yes, initially the desire to find a long term relationship can be associated with “anxiousness.” After being in the security of marriage, being a partner in all things, sharing day-to-day activities year after year — being alone feels very scary.

    Many women (can’t speak for men) want to find that bond with someone again soon. Let’s face it, we got married all those years ago because we wanted to be married. Being thrust into singleness again is daunting. I was part of a team for so long I didn’t know how to be the only player!

    This probably explains re-bound behavior including the need to feel desireable, wanted, and worthy.

    And yes, the longer a woman is single the more comfortable she becomes because she learns that being alone, independent, and free isn’t so scary afterall and there is no need to rush into anything.
    Enjoying one’s singleness, and being choosy can ensure you make the right choice of partner for the next relationship.

    1. 68.1

      Gem, I think, based on my own experience, was after getting over that intial phase after my divorce, I learned to seek out those support systems and friendships to fill that void. I was also able to work on my career and finishing my education.  I admit, at times I am conflicted about finding someone.  I’m not a person who just loves risk, but I get that we must assume it at times.  But one thing I did come to understand is that I could not place my sense of worth, happiness, or fulfilment in being romantically involved.  If that was all it took, I’d have stayed married.  I don’t say that to call my ex a dirty rotten so-and-so; my point being that if you’re not happy alone you prolly won’t be happy married.  I have also had to make peace with the possibility that there may never be another man in my life.  Not in an “I don’t need a man way” but because right now, today, I just don’t see it in my future.  I want to be able to be rock solid content in that.  I don’t think it serves us well to find a relationship out of need.  Again, not a man-hating thing.  We just make wiser choices when that urgency is not present.

  9. 69

    While some of the women have made interesting points here, I didn’t see anything wrong with Still Looking’s comment.  I felt the same way when I was single.  I think it was Hitch who said in the movie out of exasperation, “See?! This is why finding love is so damn difficult!” As I mentioned in another post, I enjoy hearing mens’ perspectives because it’s a learning experience.  We need to take a step back and LISTEN (or read in this forum) to learn instead of reacting.  I can’t say that I agree with each and every comment, but it does provide some insight. 

    I think the first step in looking to find a relationship is to love yourself (some may say that’s smug), love men for who they are, and look for the person who you can dig for who they are and vice versa.  No one is perfect.  If they disrespect you, leave.  By the way, I’ve had to read countless self-help/relationship books and go on a 1000 dates to learn this.   

  10. 70

    I really liked Still Lookings (#45) post.  I haven’t read past it yet but I think that sums things up for me; a single mom.  I have my kids which are a HUGE priority, I have work and school, I have friends, activities, hobbies.  And while I date and sex is readily available (not that I partake), I don’t feel the need to rush a relationship.  I’d rather let it evolve on it’s own. 

  11. 71

    Diana #70, the second paragraph of your post describes me as well.
    I’m going for strong character, decency, responsible, relatively mature, meaning there is room for them to play video games and act like kids.
    A stimulating relationship where both of us are interested in bringing out the best in each other, being happy and enjoying life.
    I must admit, I get a little overwhelmed on most of the advice sites, because there seems to be too much emphasis on categorizing attributes of men and women into structured sociological frameworks. Trying to nail down cause-effect relationships within male-female dynamics. I find that frustrating and limiting!
    for the most part, I do like Evan’s advice.

  12. 72

    I saw nothing entitled, smug or otherwise wrong with still looking’s post #45. A man is content with what he has, and positive about his life, yet open to change if needed – isn’t this supposed to be a good thing?
    To #64’s last paragraph, too true. My single female friends warned me against staying single for too long, they said it’d grow on me and eventually I’d get to the point where I wouldn’t want to change my single status, because it feels so good. I’ve got to say there’s definitely a good deal of truth to their words 🙂 But then I do realize that not women are the same and most of my female friends are professionals, in the technical field, which isn’t representative of all women.

  13. 73

    I am a woman and  my dating life is exactly as his except I do not have the ego bruise of a onesided attraction.

    I am emotionally intimate with several close male friends;

    – I have a long list of men who are willing to date me;
    – Sex, while not a prime motivator, is readily available
    – I have the opportunity to meet/date/talk with a wide variety of    men with diverse backgrounds;
    – I enjoy spending time alone or with my kids and being single makes this so much easier;
    – Freedom – I can do what I want, when I want, with who I want.

  14. 74

    Still Lookiing #64

    Thanks for the clarification. I asked your age because I do think that dating is easier for middle-aged men than it is for women, for the many reasons already stated. Most women your age don’t have your confident point of view about their dating lives, hence blogs like these. Do I think it would be great if we did have more confidence? Absolutely!

  15. 75

    Margo’s reductionist comments about men are one of the challenges I find myself facing all the time. Sometimes, when I’m on dates, I wonder if any attempt to demonstrate attraction is going to be interpreted as “dude just wants sex.” I tend to be much slower to move into flirtatiousness, touching, etc., and perhaps that ends up getting taken as a lack of interest. No doubt I’m over-thinking at least some of the time, but it’s amazing how many women make comments like Margo’s about the motivations and desires of men as a “whole.”
    To move on to another topic, I find that the definition of freedom being presented here is limited. As a single person, I have a certain kind of freedom – not having to check in with someone, doing what I want, and the rest. However, when part of a couple, it’s not about losing freedom – I see it more as a shifting definition of freedom. It’s a shared freedom between you and a your partner. You move from an individualized freedom, to a coupled freedom. For example, you can work together to do things that before, you alone were responsible for. So, it seems to me that one of the problems that occurs for some single folks is that they attach to one kind of freedom, failing to see that it’s only one form.
    So, it seems to me that there’s a middle ground where you can feel happy and fulfilled as a single person, but also with enough internal flexibility to let that go if the right person arrives in your life.

    1. 75.1

      I think yours must be one of the few posts that I find myself nodding to. Maybe I don’t define myself or my relationships with the labels single, married, lesbian, heterosexual, divorced. I think they are boxes for us to understand situations in general but each relationship is unique and special, and to define what two people share with a rubber-stamped label is a conformist way of life. I would prefer if people thought for themselves and agreed with each other a special way of being with each other that didn’t include whether they were ‘successful or a failure’ in the eyes of society , after all it’s nobody’s business except the two of them. Ok you had a divorce , dating, or are you polygamous, monogamous, single, married – does that make you a success or failure? I see them as completely subjective. But I agree with you Nathan that an individual freedom should be be respected regardless.   

  16. 76

    The most important reason is what Evan has mentioned: women tend to enjoy only the top 10% (in terms of looks, social status, and charisma) of men. Therefore, the attractive men are granted an extreme selection of women that less attractive men can only dream of. 

    Why would attractive men get into relationships when they’re offered so many women? Women wouldn’t settle if today they can get Brad Pitt and tomorrow they can get Johnny Depp.

    If women are interested in real relationships then they should go after the less attractive men with less options who are more willing to be in relationships.  

    I find it funny that women are most interested in men with other options when the other options will prevent him from seeking a relationship with her.

  17. 77

    @Ruby and @Sayanta: Interesting that you think that Still Looking’s post was smug.”

    I do too.

    Objectively, if you compare his post side-by-side with Ellen, he comes off as confident and self-aware as opposed to bitter and irrational.”


    “comes off as” is not an objective standard.  It’s completely subjective, because it’s based on perception.

    I also think this whole exchange gets to the heart of the differences being discussed here.

    I also think it’s important — and not an accident — that more than one woman has brought up the refrain women get hammered and hammered and hammered with of “It’s a man’s world, and the only thing you women can do is change what you’re doing, and accommodate them the way they are, because they’re never going to change”.

    Now, I mean, if the Allied Powers had been told “Well, it’s an Axis world, and there’s nothing that can be done to change that, no matter how dysfunctional to the point of evil their behavior is, and the only thing that can be done is to adapt to it  …”

    1. 77.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @M You can stop misinterpreting my blog at any time now. Really. There’s no “hammering”. There’s no “it’s a man’s world”. That’s YOUR take on it. My take is that you should LEAVE a man who doesn’t provide the kindness, consistency, and effort that you deserve in a long-term relationship. How exactly is that a fair comparison to the Axis of Evil? Oh, that’s right, it’s not.

      I would highly recommend that you either start reading my blog posts as written – where I’m here to HELP women – as opposed to looking for patriarchal subplots that don’t exist. And if that’s too much work for you, there are millions of other blogs where you can find likeminded axe-grinding women who can take any benign comment about gender and turn it into something nefarious. I’m tired of defending myself against things that I don’t actually do, yet I will continue to defend myself from baseless attacks on me, my advice, or men overall.

      1. 77.1.1

        I would add that if this is still a patriarchal society, then I guess I have been missing something for a very long time.  

        1. Frankie

          It’s a society in flux. It’s like a newborn baby coming out of the 5000+ y.o. gestation of patriarchy and still blinking at the bright lights all dazed. We have no idea what that baby will grow up to be.

        2. Russell

          Not true, Frankie.  When you play with the genetics of that baby, as has been done, and it comes out with the teeth and claws of a velociraptor, you can rightly understand that it’s going to do some damage.


          You can’t tax a stay at home mom, so that problem had to be fixed, and now it has, and being a stay at home mom is no longer a choice for the vast majority of women.  That freedom simply doesn’t exist and anyone who took economics in college knows why it no longer exists.


          And we can see a lot of the damage that was done.  It’s no longer a newborn.  For instance, both men and women have much less free time as a result of both working out of the home, and the household chores still needing to be done when they get home.


          This also affects children.  The connections kids have with their parents is weak compared to the past.


          And we can see the damage done to relationships.  We can see it in most of the comments here and other places.  It is very hurtful to both men and women to see what has become, which brings out the calls for creating safe spaces to talk.  A safe space is a place where the truth will not exist, and it is replaced by comfort.

  18. 78
    still looking

    @ Ruby 77 – When I started dating I was too particular with my criteria and dating was more akin to a job search – finding the right one.  I was spending hours and hours on the phone and computer getting to know my date and then we’d meet and ….. the chemistry wasn’t there for me, or her, or both of us.  It soon turned into a tedious chore at times.

    My confidence and my enjoyment of the “single life” took a tremendous upswing when I simply changed my outlook.  Instead of looking for “the one” I began to look upon dating as a chance to meet new people, enjoy new activities, and have some adventures.  When I began looking for friends as opposed to looking for a lover/girlfriend/partner, I suddenly had more opportunities to date than I ever thought possible and I’ve made some fantastic friends and memories.  Yes, on occasion my ego gets bruised if I really like someone and the feeling isn’t mutual but when I have a date a few days later with someone else she is soon forgotten.

    Evan has some great advice on how to find Mr. Right but if you need a confidence boost there’s nothing that beats just going out and having fun as friends!  You will need to be a bit more aggressive about initiating the contacts/dates but if you focus on finding friends and having fun you will get the confidence and at some later point focus on finding Mr. Right.  Who knows, you might even stumble across him while out on a casual friends date.  I can’t speak for all guys but I do know I’m more attracted to a woman who wants to start off as friends rather than those whose profiles talk about finding a soul-mate and partner for life.

    Best of luck to you.

    Evan – sorry for giving any advice that conflicts with your words of wisdom.  BTW your blog is great and I’ve recommended your site to quite a few women.  Just hope they don’t put two and two together and realize who Still Looking is 🙂

  19. 79

    @ M If your perception of yourself is high: with confidence,  and with lots of options and content  as opposed to a victim, who do you think will better draw the opposite sex????

  20. 80

    @Still Looking ……….Good for you being my age and still having tons of options of fun attractive 35-55 yr. old women ! Makes me wonder where you live and what your stats actually are?…..LOL 🙂

  21. 81
    Lisa M.

    “Why would attractive men get into relationships when they’re offered so many women? Women wouldn’t settle if today they can get Brad Pitt and tomorrow they can get Johnny Depp.”

    Both of these men are in committed relationships.  There are many really good-looking men who are married or in committed relationships.  Believe it or not, but good-looking men want marriage and committed too, not just less attractive men.  I hate the way less attractive men are always demonizing good looking men ,as if, their automatically more committment-minded just because they have less options than good-looking men.

    Basically, this is the angle most unattractive men often come at me with  when I express no interest in dating them. They want to pitch how much better they will be for me than a better looking guy and that I’m being superficial by not giving them a chance.  Meanwhile, they are pursuing me for superficial reasons. I really don’t have to say what this all about, right?

  22. 82

    Derek #79

    “Why would attractive men get into relationships when they’re offered so many women? Women wouldn’t settle if today they can get Brad Pitt and tomorrow they can get Johnny Depp.” 

    Maybe you mean George Clooney? Both Pitt and Depp are in serious relationships and have kids. 

  23. 83
    Lisa M.


    I know of a couple of blogs ran by women who give advice to other women on how to understand men.  These women bloggers basically give the same advice as you do and they too are accused of catering to men by the women who frequent them.  This just seems par for course.

  24. 84
    Lisa M.

    Ruby # 86:Maybe you mean George Clooney? Both Pitt and Depp are in serious relationships and have kids. 

    Clooney is often referred to as a serial monogamist.

  25. 85

    @Nathan 79….My comments about the “motivations and desires of men as a “whole”” are that they want sex. I didn’t say that sex is all they want. You have taken my comments out of context and used them to justify your reasoning as to why it’s so hard for you to date.

    @Still looking and Evan, yes sex may be readily available, but what I stated was that “worry-free” sex is usually not available when you are sleeping with one or more women in the absence of a commitment.

    I say, “usually” because I don’t tend to deal in absolutes either. So, this readily available sex you’re getting is probably coming from a woman that’s sleeping with other men. Why wouldn’t she be, as she has no commitment from you? So, yes, I agree that sex is readily available, but it may not be disease-free…

    Still looking, I’d caution you to think about that when you are praising the single life with all this good “readily available” sex to be had.

  26. 86

    “Women are more affected by aging in the dating market than are men. The average 42 year old man has more dating options than does a 42 year old woman – he can date a 22 year old or a 52 year old. He may not actually want to go that young, but he has the option to do so. A woman dating that much younger is called a cougar, a bit derisively. There’s no comparable label for men.”

    Women got the advantage when they’re young. A 19 year old woman can date any guy from 18 to maybe 25. It’s much harder for a 19 year old guy to older women (most women prefer older and more mature guys). 

    I’m 20 and I see a lot of women my age date older guys. I’ve only rarely seen a guy date an older woman.      

    It balances out in the end. If you’re still single when you’re 30 then you’ve probably done something wrong in your 20s. I don’t want to be rude, but women have a lot of power when they’re young.

    1. 86.1

      Guys in their 20s have as many commitment issues as older men.  It is easy to find a guy while 20-25, but keeping him? Impossible.

  27. 87

    @ Lisa

    Yes, but they’re married to extremely exceptional women. My point is that most women are going for the top 10% of men. I don’t think most of the women stand a chance with marrying those top guys. 

    The math is simple. I’m just making up a number but the concept remains the same. If 10 women are attracted to one guy then at least 9 of them won’t be marrying him. Those 9 women later complains that men hate relationships.  

    Men are willing to have sex with women below their league but never have serious relationships. The women complaining about men are probably dating above their league. 

    If you think you’re that hot, smart, and charming then go for it. But, don’t confuse him having sex with being in his league.

  28. 88

    “You have taken my comments out of context and used them to justify your reasoning as to why it’s so hard for you to date.” Whatever you want to believe Margo. I’m not the only one to question your comments, and frankly my pointing out some of the challenges I have when dating shouldn’t make what I’m saying “all about me.”

    Most women I know also want to have sex when in a relationship, and some even when just out dating without a necessary commitment. It’s one ingredient in the mix.

    Mostly, my disagreement was with your very direct statement “Men commit to get sex.” And it was much more than about my own dating life – hell, many of the other female commenters here don’t agree with you on that point.

  29. 89

    @Derek #90

    “It balances out in the end. If you’re still single when you’re 30 then you’ve probably done something wrong in your 20s. I don’t want to be rude, but women have a lot of power when they’re young.”

    Do you have any concept of HOW YOUNG you are? (I also don’t know what area of the country you are in, so there is a BIG difference between if you are in Oklahoma City vs. New York City).

    Let’s see, 20s….

    A good time for… going to college (average bachelors in the 22-23 range), and MAYBE grad/law/med school (graduating anywhere from 26-early 30s), realizing your college boyfriend is a loser (maybe around 25-26), restructuring your goals, men don’t ‘mature’ until later and maybe what was acceptable for a boyfriend at 22 isn’t at 25, women also figure themselves out a lot…

    I wasn’t ready to even CONSIDER marrying anyone until 27 or so.  I wanted to travel, so I moved abroad for a year.  I dated people b/c they fit my present, and not b/c I wanted to marry them b/c I certainly had no concept of my future or a want to settle down.

    Oh yes, and a “desire to settle down” should be on your list.  Check back in when you are 30 and let us know if you felt the urge to settle down, when they happened IF that happened.  And 22 year old women don’t want to date 42 year old men (I don’t want to date a 42 year old man and I’m 29).

  30. 90

    Still Looking @64

    I can relate to that used car salesman.  If I am selling Lexus and you are obviously looking for a Ferrari then don’t waste my time.   My sales pitch is better spent on the guy who is looking for  a Lexus.   

    I agree that the longer women are single the more accepting they are of their status.  I also believe that they are more likely to compromise their standards and settle for crumbs being offered on a silver platter.  I hope I never get to that stage! 
    The way I see it these women are only settling for you because there is nothing better happening in their lives.  Who is using who?

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