Why Would a Younger Woman Want to Date a Much Older Man?

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Okay, Evan, I agree mostly with your opinion on younger men/older women. What do you say about the reverse? I mean, I can see why an older man would want to date a younger woman – physically that is, but why would a 28-year-old woman want to date a man 45 or more?

Penelope

Dear Penelope,

Beats the shit out of me.

I can totally understand why older men go for younger women. There’s no denying that they’re, for the most part, in better shape, with better skin, and less baggage from broken relationships. Time creates wisdom – but it also creates responsibilities and complications — mortgage, kids, career, etc. All of this makes dating more and more complex as we get older. It’s a lot easier for a man to take out a carefree, responsibility free, baggage free, wrinkle free 28-year-old, which is why so many men try to go in that direction. I’m not condoning this. I’m OBSERVING that it happens.

Still, most of them fail miserably, for the exact same reasons that I think Penelope is suggesting. Men want much younger women, but rarely do much younger women want older men. Put another way, if a woman has an array of other quality options closer to her age range, what incentives would she have to date a man who is SEVENTEEN YEARS OLDER?

She doesn’t NEED a guy who’s 45. She can find that same amazing guy at age 30. Or 35. Or 40.

Not many, I’m thinking.

Before any 40+ people get all hot and bothered about this — I am not judging. There is nothing wrong with aging. I do think people improve with age (my wife is nodding). But let’s not pretend that we, as a culture, don’t worship at the altar of youth. If you’re over the age of 40 and have ever said, “But I’m told I look five years younger than my age”, then you’re not immune to it yourself. But see, for men who covet younger women, it’s not whether you look good for your age — it’s what age you really are.

Because it’s competitive out there for all of us. People have choices. And nobody has more choices than a 28-year-old woman. If she wants to date a guy who is 6’2”, makes $400,000+, likes skiing, is within ten miles of her house and five years of her age, you know what? She could probably find him. All she has to do is go on Match.com, and wade through a few thousand applicants. The point is, she doesn’t NEED a guy who’s 45. She can find that same amazing guy at age 30. Or 35. Or 40. She doesn’t need a guy who will be taking Viagra when she’s sexually peaking at 43.

Don’t get me wrong, there are advantages in a 45-year-old guy. He’s probably a man. He’s got the job and the home and the car, and been divorced with a kid already. So if a woman finds it more appealing to just step into that world — to jump from the prolonged adolescence of the late 20’s into full-fledged settled-down womanhood — that could make sense.

Most of them are completely creeped out at the prospect of dating a guy who was alive when JFK was alive.

There are many other things that are attractive about older men. They embody wisdom and stability. They can afford nicer restaurants and vacations and have cultivated greater tastes in the arts. They’re more experienced, more chivalrous, and more likely to want to settle down than a twentysomething party boy.

And yet, they probably resemble Penelope’s dad more than they resemble her brother….

This is the most compelling reason behind why younger women might go for older men: they’re daddy substitutes. An older man’s going to be the strong, nurturing guy who takes care of her, teaches her, and treats her like a princess — the kind of relationship that she probably lacked growing up.

Hey, I’m no psychologist — just your friendly, neighborhood dating coach. But I do know women, and lots of women in their 20’s. And the truth is that most of them are completely creeped out at the prospect of dating a guy who was alive when JFK was alive. These women were born in the EIGHTIES. They grew up with computers. They’re contemporaries with Britney Spears. Whether we like it or not, there is nearly a full generation gap between 28 and 45. A few women may bridge this gap for lust or money or dimestore psychological reasons, but most of the 28-year-old women I know would prefer to date a great, stable 30-40 year-old – who also knows what Snapchat  is.

Okay, older men – tell me why I’m wrong. But don’t forget, you and your younger girlfriends are the EXCEPTION. I’m writing about the RULE.

By the way, my girlfriend wants it on record that she would totally sleep with Harrison Ford if he should be reading this. So as a gift to both of them: Sure, why not? Happy 66th, Indy!

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Comments:

  1. 581
    SparklingEmerald

    Suzy 580 said “I’m 38 and my boyfriend is 55. We live together and have been together for a few years. I wish I never moved in. All relationships are hard but it’s really hard being with someone that’s 17 years older than you. He is old and set in his ways. There’s never a discussion, only stubbornness. I have to deal with ED all the time and it’s not fun. I’m kinda grossed out by him, too. Oh, and he physically abuses me, talks down to me, rapes me and etc. When I see older men check me out, I get grossed out.People should be attracted to people in their age range. I know I sound like a hypocrite and I know now that age does make a difference. It’s terrible!”

    Suzy – The problem isn’t the age difference, it the fact that he is an abuser. Although I am puzzled how someone with ED could rape you, but whatever.

    1. 581.1
      Yet Another Guy

      @SE

      “Although I am puzzled how someone with ED could rape you, but whatever.”

      That one does not compute.

    2. 581.2
      Kenley

      Below is the department of justice definition of rape:

      “The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”

      As the definition above indicated, a penis doesn’t have to be inserted for it to be rape.

  2. 582
    Lurking

    Suzy, it is good that you are self aware enough to know this relationship is bad for you, and you should leave. Have the confidence to date a hottie who is your age or slightly older. I always thought that dating a much older man is weak- like setting your goal so low, that it is ‘of course’ achievable.

  3. 583
    Nonhlanhla

    I’m a 29 years old woman dating a 57 years old man we love each other to the moon and back, our sex life is amazing he is diabetic but that doesn’t affect the sex at all. He takes his medication on time he eat well I don’t complain. I’m happy

  4. 584
    Betty

    The author, like many people, makes the logical fallacy of projection. The author feels a certain way about something and then projects that feeling onto others. That is an error.

    For any group of men or women there is a range of characteristics they as a group find attractive.

    There are certainly young women who do not like older men, but I have found there are a whole lot of younger women who do like them as much as younger men, and many that prefer older men. Up to a 15 year difference seems ok for most. But I personally know many happy couples of 20 and 30 year age differences.

    I have asked some of these women who prefer older men why they have that preference. I have heard everything from they are more financially capable to better knowing what they are doing in bed (this tends to come from women of college age). But it really comes down to evolution, in that men are wired to want women who can have many children and women are wired to want men who can provide and protect. Older men have more experience and usually a whole lot more money. That means they have more power, and power in a man is sexy.

    1. 584.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Thanks, “Betty.”

  5. 585
    Glenn

    Well I myself have just started dating a younger woman, I am 55 and she is 25. It hasn’t been long but things are going pretty good. Not really sure about all the negative comments in the article about “why would a women younger want an older man”, doesn’t matter what others think or want to put their psychological spin on it, has nothing to do with books and what you have learned, it is what is in each other’s hearts and I think if the couple can sit down and discuss and be honest with one another, it will work. I will let you know how things progress, but as of now, we both enjoy one another beyond belief! Thank you for allowing me to share!

  6. 586
    Tara

    I am 25, currently interested in a 40 y.o. man with former relationships from guy 21-mid 30s. I am a single mom of 2 kids with a ton of mental issues. We have a lot in common, such as writing. No man my age or otherwise has ever taken an interest in my talents or took special notice. I love his confidence and could care less that he is 15 years older. He expresses himself without fear, doesnt complain about my flaws or make up, doesnt make fun of women. He doesnt judge me on my ability to rearrange my face shape with contouring products and makes me feel beautiful. Attraction is a mere spark that lights the flame. It’s all about respect and 0lay and bringing out.the best & worst on each other. If he is good for you, good to you, works hard and thinking of you; do you just walk away? If he is full of knowledge and discipline, able to teach you and help you grow; why not be eager to learn and broaden your horizons?

  7. 587
    Justine G

    I’m 38, my husband is 54 and is better shape than most men half his age. We have sex 4-6 times a week and it’s great! He works out and eats healthy which I think is his key to sexual vitality. He has a bit of grey hair but it looks sexy. We are deeply in love and have been for 12 years. We goof around like kids a lot, but sometimes we go out to the theater after a very nice candlelight dinner. We hike, ride his Harley, fish, camp, garden, etc. We have so much fun together and he treats me like I’m a royal princess. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful man as my husband. I wouldn’t have it any other way, and I rarely have anyone ask about our age difference, but I always get compliments on how good it is to see a couple so deeply in love. All the advantages of being married to an older man are listed above so I won’t reiterate them, but to those with negative comments….you don’t know what you’re talking about!

    1. 587.1
      Susan Thompson

      Evan,

      I sense quite a bit of envy. Maybe an older man took one of your women away because you’re a starving blogger who probably “doesn’t have time for the gym”. You probably don’t know how to respect women or treat them as special. You are probably like most young men, too in love with yourself. Yes, you’re not mature enough to handle the truth when it doesn’t include you. Older men have so much more to offer, but I understand why that’s a tough one for you to accept as the RULE.

      1. 587.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        None of your projection is true but thanks for playing. Sounds like that’s who you want me to be in order to discredit my observations.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          Plus, I am 46 now and wrote this 10 years ago. I still stand by every word.

  8. 588
    Glenn

    Maybe you should re-evaluate after 10 years then, it looks like science has got it wrong again, every situation is different and you can pin the same tag on everyone, we are all different and special in our own way.

    1. 588.1
      Lynx

      Glenn:
      Here are the facts about age gaps in heterosexual married couples, according to the 2013 US population survey:
      – 76.7% are within a 5-year age difference
      – 91% are within a 9-year age difference

      Sure, every situation is different and special. But for most heterosexual marriage situations, the overwhelming norm is to partner within a reasonably close age range.

  9. 589
    Glenn

    Lynx,

    If I went by stats, I was probably supposed to be dead. You can’t live by stats and junk like that. I trust the Lord to bring the right woman along and right now, I believe I have found her and she believes she has found the right man. Human theology gets me no where, I trust the Lord before stats and human intervention. Plain and simple.

    1. 589.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      You and the Lord should probably find another blog to read. This one’s not for you.

  10. 590
    Glenn

    Apparently you need to find the Lord, because you surely don’t have a clue, that is a fact you could chew on…

    1. 590.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      You may need to look up the word “fact.” Bye now.

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