Why Would a Younger Woman Want to Date a Much Older Man?

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Okay, Evan, I agree mostly with your opinion on younger men/older women. What do you say about the reverse? I mean, I can see why an older man would want to date a younger woman – physically that is, but why would a 28-year-old woman want to date a man 45 or more?

Penelope

Dear Penelope,

Beats the shit out of me.

I can totally understand why older men go for younger women. There’s no denying that they’re, for the most part, in better shape, with better skin, and less baggage from broken relationships. Time creates wisdom – but it also creates responsibilities and complications — mortgage, kids, career, etc. All of this makes dating more and more complex as we get older. It’s a lot easier for a man to take out a carefree, responsibility free, baggage free, wrinkle free 28-year-old, which is why so many men try to go in that direction. I’m not condoning this. I’m OBSERVING that it happens.

Still, most of them fail miserably, for the exact same reasons that I think Penelope is suggesting. Men want much younger women, but rarely do much younger women want older men. Put another way, if a woman has an array of other quality options closer to her age range, what incentives would she have to date a man who is SEVENTEEN YEARS OLDER?

She doesn’t NEED a guy who’s 45. She can find that same amazing guy at age 30. Or 35. Or 40.

Not many, I’m thinking.

Before any 40+ people get all hot and bothered about this — I am not judging. There is nothing wrong with aging. I do think people improve with age (my wife is nodding). But let’s not pretend that we, as a culture, don’t worship at the altar of youth. If you’re over the age of 40 and have ever said, “But I’m told I look five years younger than my age”, then you’re not immune to it yourself. But see, for men who covet younger women, it’s not whether you look good for your age — it’s what age you really are.

Because it’s competitive out there for all of us. People have choices. And nobody has more choices than a 28-year-old woman. If she wants to date a guy who is 6’2”, makes $400,000+, likes skiing, is within ten miles of her house and five years of her age, you know what? She could probably find him. All she has to do is go on Match.com, and wade through a few thousand applicants. The point is, she doesn’t NEED a guy who’s 45. She can find that same amazing guy at age 30. Or 35. Or 40. She doesn’t need a guy who will be taking Viagra when she’s sexually peaking at 43.

Don’t get me wrong, there are advantages in a 45-year-old guy. He’s probably a man. He’s got the job and the home and the car, and been divorced with a kid already. So if a woman finds it more appealing to just step into that world — to jump from the prolonged adolescence of the late 20’s into full-fledged settled-down womanhood — that could make sense.

Most of them are completely creeped out at the prospect of dating a guy who was alive when JFK was alive.

There are many other things that are attractive about older men. They embody wisdom and stability. They can afford nicer restaurants and vacations and have cultivated greater tastes in the arts. They’re more experienced, more chivalrous, and more likely to want to settle down than a twentysomething party boy.

And yet, they probably resemble Penelope’s dad more than they resemble her brother….

This is the most compelling reason behind why younger women might go for older men: they’re daddy substitutes. An older man’s going to be the strong, nurturing guy who takes care of her, teaches her, and treats her like a princess — the kind of relationship that she probably lacked growing up.

Hey, I’m no psychologist — just your friendly, neighborhood dating coach. But I do know women, and lots of women in their 20’s. And the truth is that most of them are completely creeped out at the prospect of dating a guy who was alive when JFK was alive. These women were born in the EIGHTIES. They grew up with computers. They’re contemporaries with Britney Spears. Whether we like it or not, there is nearly a full generation gap between 28 and 45. A few women may bridge this gap for lust or money or dimestore psychological reasons, but most of the 28-year-old women I know would prefer to date a great, stable 30-40 year-old – who also knows what Snapchat  is.

Okay, older men – tell me why I’m wrong. But don’t forget, you and your younger girlfriends are the EXCEPTION. I’m writing about the RULE.

By the way, my girlfriend wants it on record that she would totally sleep with Harrison Ford if he should be reading this. So as a gift to both of them: Sure, why not? Happy 66th, Indy!

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Comments:

  1. 601
    Brian

    It’s because some people date a psychographic, not a demographic. demographics can create friction and barriers to relationships but when you’re with someone fun you enjoy being around, that counts for something. Sometimes a lot. Yeah, you could date a guy who makes $400K, etc. but she probably already has and maybe he and his $400K were boring. Chances are, unless she’s a gold digger, the guy who’s 40+ dating younger women likely is fun to be around. Not everyone is.

  2. 602
    Robbie Scrivener

    I can not believe the ridiculous comments on this post, let alone the post itself! All Men (or women) slowing down as they get older is a load of rubbish! Men not wanting sex and unable to get it up really? I am 45 years old and I get hit on by women in their 20s all the time! Why? Because I have never done drugs, or smoked and hardly ever have a drink and for the past 5 years I have lifted weights nearly every day. I am stronger and fitter (and hornier) than 99% of people younger than me! I have seen guys and girls in their 60s (some 70s) who put most 20 somethings to shame! If you take care of yourself your body will look so much younger! Look up Lynda Hoyte and shes 73! Her bum is incredible better than any girl in her 20s! Problem I have is the majority of women my age do not live a healthy life so look unattractive. We find a healthy body attractive no matter the age. If you have abused your body, with smoking, drinking and drugs, getting a tan etc then by the time you are 50 you will not look good.

  3. 603
    Amanda

    I’m 34, dating a man who is 60.

    I chased him, not him me. I asked him out, which shocked him a bit, because he wasn’t expecting that I was interested in him. I found him extremely attractive the moment I met him. I didn’t know how old he was, thought maybe in his 50s, but wasn’t sure, and I didn’t care.

    He has a child older than me, which he thought would horrify me. It didn’t. I’m a single mother, and find it nice being able to talk with someone who has been there and done that, about my kid-challenges/struggles. He understands my kids come first for me, and doesn’t pressure me to drop my life for him. Younger guys have expected me to put them first, and are selfish in their wants. My guy moves his life around to fit mine.

    He has more stamina in the bedroom than everyone I’ve dated before (and he is the oldest). He’s extremely passionate about life, treats me so well, with respect, something I’ve not experienced with men before. He knows exactly how to pleasure me in bed (and actually does it well), something the younger men I’ve dated don’t care about.

    He’s fit, strong, eats well, and spends a lot of time helping people in our community (despite being retired). He does have some money – but I don’t want it. I’m not interested in his money, rather in spending time with him and going on walks/watching movies on his couch with him/having sex/cooking/music. I don’t understand why people assume younger women date older men for their money. As though older men aren’t interesting, fun and handsome.

    I love listening to him talk about his life. Many interesting stories.

    My friends are weirded out by the age gap, but I don’t understand why, because I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s not like I’m a child – and I have more experience and have had more happen in my 34 years than most people can fit into 80 years.

  4. 604
    Jessica Allen

    I am a successful, decebr looking woman in my late 20s (28) my boyfriend is 50. Hes not rich or has a phenominal sex drive. But his personality and looks attract me. Ive been through a lot since i was 18 a marriage of 7 years a divorce re married again and now widowed. Met my boyfriend this last year. Its not my first venture with an older man. I prefer it they kind and respect and appriciate a woman of 28 especially one with their heads on their shoulder makes me feel good and wanted needed actually and thats very fullfilling to me.

  5. 605
    Curt Koland

    I love having sex with my 32 year old lover. I’m 64. I had a very beautiful and sexy wife my age for almost thirty years but the truth is I just am not attracted to older women. Throughout my whole marriage I looked at younger women with such desire and only acted on it five or six times but now I’m happier than I’ve ever been. My kids think I’m weird but their opinion doesn’t matter. I just love having this young body to have sex with.

  6. 606
    Al

    Greetings, I came across this thread quite by accident; up late, social distancing, etc. I have only one thing to add, for all of you; young, old, male, female.The spelling on this thread, is……Horrifying!! My word, do any of you proofread your posts?! It was embarrassing just reading the comments, holy crap.! In fairness, to those of whom English is not your first language, my critique is not meant for you.

  7. 607
    Dominique

    I live in Quebec City (Canada) and I am turing 48 this month. A 25-year-old Greek woman from Thessaloniki has started to write me messages on Facebook, mainly because we are both proficient in Latin — we write to each other in Ovid’s language. She also writes sweet nothings in her own language (which is quite beautiful).

    She knows from my profile that I was born in 1972, yet she writes me things like “Καληνύχτα” (good night!) or even “όνειρα γλυκά!” (sweet dreams!). I myself wrote “Tu, somnii similis mihi!” (You… you are like a dream to me! — the subject pronoun is a mark of emphasis) and she answered “Latine somnium sit! Pax mea tecum!” (“Let it be a dream in Latin! I give you my peace! — “Pax tecum” is a neutral farewell, but adding her own pronoun gives it a personal touch).

    We are obviously having fun, and probably both of us. I think she is enjoying some kind of a fantasy she had: to live some kind of romance (virtual in this case) in a language she loves and finds most romantic.

    It is a virtual, distance thing. I will not pretend that if we met in person she would fall madly in love with me; it would be far more likely if I were still 35 or younger — and I have had my share of such affairs when the sun of Youth was directly above my 6’1″ 200+ frame. When NHL players are the same age as you, life’s great!

    Another small detail: I am married and I wouldn’t think of actually cheating my wife in real life. She is 43 and still looks like her early 30’s (this is the most lucky break most men my age can have). Perhaps this Daphne of Thessaloniki is also in a relationship; I don’t know much of her (Daphne may not even be her real name).

    So it will stay: a fun game of exchanging sweet words in Greek and Latin… and no more.

  8. 608
    Amae

    Every one of these comments condoning this behavior of “grooming” and strange “grandaddy”/”daddy” behavior (and vice versa but so far it seems like the man are way older) are just so sickening. And I am shocked that you all are trying to normalize it in this century.

  9. 609
    Eric

    I am 56 years old man and I’ve been married for 5 years to my beautiful young wife who’s 27 years old, she treats me like a king with love respect and loyalty. The key of my success in my marriage is to prove my affection, love, romance understanding and loyalty. I have one simple rule in my house and that is I DON’T bring friends or any other males except for my dad or my brother in law or my sibling and that only happens when I’m present in my house, now if I want to spend time with my friends I always pick a restaurant and and go alone and I never get home drunk instead I play romantic music and dance with my beautiful wife.
    Don’t get me wrong I’m not perfect and yes we had our rough moments I just give her space to chill and then back to normal we are humans and sometimes we need privacy and time to be alone and one more thing I never share my problems or intimacy with friends or relatives they don’t need to know nothing instead I ask to God for guidance and wisdom.
    I guess sometime when you share your problems with someone is because you are not capable to resolves it on your own.

  10. 610
    Abby

    The biggest issue that men are not understanding is that even though you can have kids in your forties and beyond, why would a young woman, 20’s and 30’s want to have a husband in his late forties and up to have a child with? No matter how healthy you are, you have still slowed down, and this child is most likely going to spend his or her adult years taking care of you. When you hit 70, you will need more care within the next 10 to 20 years, and you child will only be in their 30’s then. It is selfish to the child. You can not ever despite that parents who are in their 20’s and 30’s you have kids have more energy. If a man if 45 when he has his first child, with a wife in her twenties or early thirties, your wife and child will have to care a lot more for you, then they would if you were younger. How is that fair. You can not deny people have more health issues with age, and no matter how healthy you are, a man having children after his early forties, will not be able to be a great provider.

  11. 611
    Blue Collar Scholar

    I’m a 61-year-old male with an athletic physique that has made 4 grown men think twice then decide not to physically attack me. I have a superior intellect and excellent social skills that allow me to flirt with finesse and I get lots of practice and leave many smiling females in my wake. The most recent of many younger lasses expressing a sincere interest with mingling with me is a mere 28-years-old. She is never married with no kids. Unsure if she has daddy-issues though it is a possibility. The cute gal works at a retail establishment I visit regularly. I flirt each time along with engaging in regular run-of-the-mill conversation and the lass looks at me with longing displaying coy smiles and offering regular hints at her interest and availability. That is great for the male ego but she would do so much better with a fellow much closer to her own age.

    However, this comely lass who comes across as level-headed and intelligent has been harmed by the huge horde of harlots that the typical USA dames has become. MGTOW exists for excellent reasons and the modern USA dame has brought the marriage strike upon themselves. The wise male looks askance at the vast majority of worthless to near-worthless USA Precious Princesses. Maybe that is why the lass is daintily and slyly letting me know that she is interested and available… there is simply no younger males available due to the majority of decent intelligent males foregoing damsel dalliances so as to protect themselves from the masses of sub-par dames infesting society.

    And so it goes… the overall decline of the USA and the encroaching New World Order that will allow tyrannical elites to become a new royalty lording over the masses of servants, serfs and, perhaps, slaves. A dystopian future awaits and we are in the early stages of that New Dark Age.

    1. 611.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      You lost me at “superior intellect.”

  12. 612
    Gary L Goins

    I totally agree with you, I’m in this situation I’m 45 my girl is 25 and she’s a stripper its hard but its something I have to let go its just really sexaully exciting ut its not going g to be forever

  13. 613
    Richard Ahearn

    I am 82 (wheeze koff). I still have my hair. I was a cartoonist and satirical sketch writer. Hoping to get a novel and a stage play published. I have an awful sense of humor. British. I’m told I have a Shakespearian voice. A woman fairly recently described me as “hot” and a nurse as “cute”. Koff wheeze. I still manage to dance around like a kid.
    What are my chances, kid?

    1. 613.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Depends. If you want a much younger woman, keep in mind that they will have the option of choosing men who are 65, 70, and 75 before they have to choose a man in his 80’s. But there are exceptions to every rule and I do hope you find an age-appropriate woman with whom to spend your life.

  14. 614
    stenth milan

    well I’m 64.. moving towards 65. I still crave sex, good sex, imaginative sex and I can still keep it up.
    I’m just stuck with a wife who has no interest, no interest in making herself appealing, sexy or sexually exciting.
    Shame eh?

  15. 615
    AMFM

    Evan,
    I recently turned 57.
    Been married for 11 or so years. I am NOT on the prowl.
    If I’m looking around, I usually look towards women 5-9 years older, just a preference. (my better half is 3 years my senior)
    Out of nowhere last week one of the cleaning techs at one of my facilities really sort of approached me.
    Says she has some equipment I could probably help her get hooked up and would I like to meet her for a cold drink to discuss.
    The story seems kinda bogus to me.
    It’s a 30 min ride to where she wants to meet for drinks from the facility. (Facility is an hour from me. 30 mins further to the location)
    Beats the heck out of me why she would show interest in me or what I may have that she thinks she may be interested in.
    She looks to be somewhere between 28-33.
    In this day & time, most folks know people who are technically savvy and get her equipment hooked up. Not someone a total of an hour & half from them.
    WTF could she possibly be interested in? She had to have seen my wedding band. But I wear a lot of rings.
    I’ll go meet, stroke my ego or be shattered if it really is equipment she needs hooked up lol.
    (pretty sure I won’t be “jumping the fence”, but what a nice ego boost though!!

  16. 616
    Charlotte4566

    I have a client who’s 54. She’s been married for 20 years to man whose 25 years older than she is. He was a lawyer, attractive to her, in love etc. NOW he’s got dementia, he’s incontinent, he’s deaf & won’t wear his hearing aids. Remember that good-looking professional man is going to get REALLY old – soon. Never mind sex – do you think about changing adult diapers and taking care of an old man? My client is at the end of her rope with her husband’s state of mind and physical decrepitude. She thought she’d love him forever, but she’s just fed up and losing her mind now.

  17. 617
    Con

    I think younger women should explore the options of older men not because I’m one of them 52 but I talk to women who are thoroughly miserable with their man because he hasn’t grown up, doesn’t treat them like an equal or a queen and just thinks he is better than them. I scratch my head sometimes because I tend to simplify things. So you say he is abusive, rude, doesn’t talk to people nicely and isn’t a good person and he is irresponsible with money and has no real prospects and you fear for yourself and your kids sometimes. I’m standing there thinking, I’m a nice guy and I would treat you with respect and I have all the resources we would ever need and I still have the same sex drive I had in my 20´s but just because you are 10-15 years younger and society makes me feel like a creepy guy I never sum up the courage to tell you I could make your and your kids lives so much better and show you what a man really should be. Just seems we make everything harder than it needs to be because of age. I’m kind of stuck in rut now because I don’t want to be that creepy guy but also know that I’m rarely attracted to a woman older than me and I don’t see that getting any easier. Just keeping it real.
    I think I’m condemned to loneliness. A woman of 40 will consider a guy between 35 and 45, won’t look at anyone much younger than 35 because they are immature or players and won’t look much beyond 45. This leaves the 50 year old guy out in the cold even though he will still have an attraction to a much broader range of women from 25 -55. I wish people selected partners by check boxes rather than societies view. Good luck to all you who are making it work and putting love first.

  18. 618
    Indii

    She wants to date him because the sex and chemistry is amazing.

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