Why Would a Person Choose Religion Over Me?

a woman having conversation with a man
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Dear Evan,

Have you ever dated someone who was really religious and he/she chose religion over you? The thing is, I’m not of any religion, but I’m pretty open-minded. Someone I used to be with is Catholic and recently discovered that he wants to pursue his faith more seriously. I don’t mind at all but he ultimately felt that because I don’t believe in the same thing, he’ll end up making decisions in the future based on his faith that I won’t be able to fully understand. He says I won’t be able to support his decisions and/or I’ll resent him.

An example is if we were married in the future, he would want to donate lots and lots of money to the needy because he’s willing to sacrifice his own selfish needs to help others as God would want him to. But I said although that’s admirable, I’d rather take that money and pay off our mortgage or save it for the kid’s college funds.

I honestly don’t know if his religion is just an excuse because he fell out of love for me or if it is really true. During our course of relationship, he led me to believe that we were meant to be together and it’s so easy for him to see us married. I guess I just can’t comprehend how someone can choose religion over another person especially when he says we were made for each other.

He must’ve really had a change of heart and I realize that that can happen, but I feel led on and a bit hurt and angry.

Evan, I’d like to know what is your take on this issue?

Sandra

Dear Sandra,

My girlfriend is Catholic and I’m Jewish.

I don’t take her to synagogue, she doesn’t take me to church.

We saw my family over Thanksgiving, we’re seeing hers over Christmas.

We don’t agree on anything spiritual, so we don’t even discuss it.

Sometimes, I’ll let my secular biases out, and she always forgives me.

She knows I love and respect her, even if I don’t always love and respect the influence of the Christian right.

This is how you have an interfaith relationship. Respect each other, without trying to change each other.

The problem is that most of us can’t really respect when someone sees the world completely differently than we do. In order to have that strong connection we crave, we look for someone who is like-minded. I’ve got clients who want someone who can dance, because dancing is important. I’ve got clients who have to find a dog-lover, because their pets are like children. And yes, I have clients who value religion above all, and demand that a partner feel the same.

These are all arbitrary deal-breakers, which often serve to keep these people alone for a really long time. The thing is: you can’t tell them that they should change. People want what they want.

I wrote an article for Yahoo called “Setting the Bar Too High,” which focuses on the deal-breakers we impose on relationships. There’s nothing wrong with having preferences; the problem comes when our preferences serve to box us in and restrict our options in love….

I used an example of a Jewish woman who wanted to marry Jewish (which is normal), but also wanted to insist that her man be an animal activist as well. And if she simply multiplied the odds of those two deal-breakers (2% of the population is Jewish; .1% might be considered male animal activists), she’s essentially declaring that only .002% of the population is even DATEABLE. This says nothing about whether her man is also kind, attractive, successful, emotionally available or interested in her.

And yet we wonder why finding someone is so difficult.

Some people (including some industrious person who sent me an anonymous copy of Why Marry Jewish, and another who compared me to Hitler) get really bent out of shape about this — as if I was saying that religion doesn’t matter. Not true. Religion absolutely matters — if you make it matter. Loving dogs absolutely matters — if you make it matter. And height and weight and age absolutely matter — if you make them matter. Just don’t be surprised when the more rules you have for your partner, the harder it is to find a partner.

Just don’t be surprised when the more rules you have for your partner, the harder it is to find a partner.

To bring this back to you, Sandra… People have their self-imposed deal-breakers and they always will. It doesn’t matter if he fell out of love, is making an excuse, or really resents that you’ve got no desire to start tithing your income. Anyone who chooses religion over you is not your future spouse.

Which brings up a bigger point: let’s stop obsessing about WHY people do things. The truth is, we’ll never know people’s motivations for acting. “Why didn’t she call me back?” wonders a guy after a first date. It could be any number of reasons — she’s getting over her ex, you have bad breath, she didn’t feel that spark, you talked too much about yourself, she’s seeing three other guys. And since you’re never going to get into her head, why drive yourself nuts about it?

I’m a big believer in searching for answers, but only where answers can be had. Which is why I don’t spend much time worrying about how we got here or where we go when we die; nor do I obsess about why someone doesn’t like me. If there were feedback forms on every date, it would be useful, but we’re never gonna really know why others do what they do. So how about we just look at their actions instead?

Your boyfriend dumped you for Jesus. Let him go.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Dean

    #19 ty for ruining this blog with your obnoxious rant

    1. 21.1
      Ann

      She was right.

  2. 22
    bekah

    People of religious backgrounds share certain values. They tend to have the same morals and aspirations. This guy is Catholic. He believes in the Bible. Did you think he was just playin around? Maybe the real problem is that you didn’t take him seriously. People without religion always stand there acting like “what???? what did I do????? I just said that religion is a stupid fairytail made up for people who are afraid of death. Why are you so mad?? I don’t think you are stupid. Just everything you believe in…..but it’s okay honey…..because I will excuse your stupidity because I want a partner…..see how benevolent I am??? You’re welcome…..and by the way, when I cursed your God last week….I was mad….but there is no real God, so don’t sweat it.”

    1. 22.1
      SoldierforGod

      Bekah,

      You are so wrong…& your comments are offensive to say the least. Yeah, this is America & you are entitled to your opinion. I don’t agree with any of what you ranted, but again, it’s your rant. The God that you cursed still loves you…regardless of how truly ignorant you are. You can curse me if you want to, but it doesn’t change the truth about who Jesus is. He created you & one day, “every knee SHALL bow & every tongue SHALL confess that He is Lord! You can deny it all that you desire, but again, your denial changes absolutely NOTHING! I will pray for you…& I hope that your head doesn’t hit the dirt before you have had a chance to confess Jesus as Lord & Savior. If not, the God that you cursed will be waiting on Judgment Day to render you the ultimate judgment. Hell will be your eternal home. By the way, I don’t know if you’ll be able to find any flame retardant furniture in hell. My God doesn’t work that way. I seriously hope that you get your act together. You have been warned…& I highly doubt that I’m the first one to warn you. GET RIGHT OR GET LEFT!!  

      1. 22.1.1
        Nikki

        SoldierforGod,

        A few comments based on your reaction to Bekah ( despite my disagreeing with her in there being a God).   Have you ever read the ENTIRE Bible cover to cover? I ask this because you sound a little like a pre-programmed Christian robot.   “You’ve been warned” by me, that its going to be difficult getting through life being so close minded and ignorant.   Who are you to warn other people anyway?   Does the bible say it’s okay to judge anyone if you’re not God? ( which is what you’re doing here) Your children are going to be walking around with one eye, one tooth etc. because you put your faith in the words of a book and not in God.   Also, I hope you don’t have any defiant teenagers because according to the bible, you’re supposed to have them stoned to death. Flame retardant furniture in hell?   Do you think the “neighbor” you’re called to “love” really deserves to be talked to like that?    If there is a hell, what makes you think there’s a not a special scotch-guarded Recliner from Bobs Furniture for people like you who think they are God? Maybe pick up a bible, read some of it and then put it down and stop acting like you have all the answers.   Try being a good person and loving people no matter what, because that is what God really wants us to do.   I’m praying for you.

    2. 22.2
      Ann

      So him leading her on and kicking her out for something that was there all along, since they met is what you call relgion?

  3. 23
    Jeanne

    One of the main reasons my marriage failed was religion, or rather an unhealthy devotion to a religion.   My ex-husband valued his church, his families opinions (they are part of his church) and the folks at church’s opinions and feelings over mine every single time. He assumed I would convert (I am easygoing) and I didn’t because in my heart, it felt wrong. It was a gut decision. I was content in my faith before I married him.
    I even went as far as to have two church ceremonies, one in his church and one in mine to be agreeable. Every person I knew thought it was nuts. I did it b/c I loved him and it was important to him. In hindsight, I now see how “important” this was, he was jus grandstanding.   He is uber important in his church community. No amount of great sex, cooking, child rearing and nursing, space to follow his dreams, working a full time job, support, kudos etc. could compete with the love and adulation his church community offered him. It was an addiction for his ego.
    Looking back, my not converting was the last form of control he would have over me and our children. He even donated money to church we needed for the household without a thought of family needs.
    Count your blessings!!! Make a list and thank whomever you believe in that you made the right choice. The pain and sacrifice I endured for the sake of his faith was extremely painful both emotionally and financially. Oddly enough, I am not scared by this. If you ever met me, you’d find that I view every relationship as a learning process. What did I learn? Be me but not a doormat and realize I have feelings too 🙂
    However, a “churchgoing” man I not one of my wants any more. What we “need” is way more important. I read this somewhere. You need to see what you need regardless of a dumb ass list of wants.   This I take with me when finding my new man.
    Take it from experience, his devotion to the less fortunate may seem noble unless it spins out of narcissistic control.   Be glad and move on. You were spared a trauma you don’t want or need. Mr. Fabulous is out there!!! You are awesome!!!

    1. 23.1
      Carrie Lynn

      Unequally yoked applies to Christian dating Christians also. Its not as simple as believer vs non believer.

       

      A devout Christian will go as far as remaining single all their lives if they preceive they can serve God more by not being married at all.

      1. 23.1.1
        Russell

        Except that this guy was serving himself not God.   He is doing what he does for the approval of those in his church.   He values his POSITION in his church.   If he was serving God,he would not put the needs of strangers ahead of his family.   God > wife > children > extended family and friends > everybody else.

        This does not mean that he should not do what he can for the church and charity for strangers, but he should not be neglecting his family in the process. If you recall, Paul, I believe, recognized that you can’t serve God and the church as much if you marry because you family requires you time and devotion.   You don’t get married, and then decide that you want to serve as if you are single.   It doesn’t work that way.   You have a devine obligation to your spouse.

        1. Carrie lynn

          She’s not his spouse.   They were just dating.

        2. Carrie lynn

          The first 5 commandments is about loving God.

          The last 5 is about people.

          He choose to break up,   because it was the right thing to do if he truly love God and respected her.

          The lady was asking for the reason of the breakup. He’s honest enough to tell her the truth, instead of making up a normal sounding lie just to make her feel better.

        3. Ann

          Carrie lynn, lying about love and marriage and leading your partner on IS a sin, sorry.

  4. 24
    mayor

    It is very good that one marries who they both share same religious belief. Marrying against such will not only affect the two but also generations unborn. It would create division in the marriage.

  5. 25
    Sunshine

    Hello,
    Same thing happened to me. My ex was in deep love with me. I didn’t hide anything about me. I am a non-believer of god or any religion and believe strongly in mankind. He is a muslim. He knew I believe in mankind not in islam religion. We were supposed to get married soon. All of a sudden he said, he is looking for a muslim girl. Then he said he will marry me only if I become a muslim. I said, i don’t believe in any religion if I become a muslim then that’s dishonesty. He said, then its over.
    I text him, “I will marry a Real Man who has his own mind. He does not borrow mind from religion or any culture. And he does not treat people as hindu, muslim or buddist in 21 century.
    I let you go.”

    1. 25.1
      Later

      I don’t understand what it is about Muslim men but i’m better off without them. I am not religious, have never discriminated and always been secular. Recently I fell in love with a Muslim man. He liked me too, flirted with me and asked me out on a date. Who wouldn’t think that he’s into me? Right? Wrong! After talking/flirting for 2 months, on our third date he told me that he doesn’t want a relationship with me as i’m a non-Muslim (something he knew all along). And then be put it all on his parents – that they were the traditional, conservative ones who’re responsible for his decision.
      Sadly, I was in too deep by then 🙁

      1. 25.1.1
        Carrie Lynn

        Everyone will fall into temptation.

         

        Unbelievers should be aware what religion calls the believer to adhere to, in order to save each other from future heartache. Takes 2 to tango after all.

  6. 26
    Phil

    Mmm. Interesting to read the range of perspectives. I recently met up with guy at uni for lunch after he asked if I would like to catch up some time for a coffee. We had a fun, friendly converstion in which I mentioned my beliefs. I wasn’t thinking along the lines of date, but rather lunch with a new friend and was hoping to share the Gospel with him. I guess at some level with the other sex you always have interest at the back of your mind but I think that is ok! Before considering dating, I want to be good friends! Having shared the Gospel with him, he responded with interest but for my sake and not of a personal nature. We were very much attracted to each other but as a follower of Christ I do live by my beliefs and in order to date (consider for marriage) his status as a new creature, born again, regenerate (haha is that a word?!) is a non negotiable for me and I believe that this is what the Bible teaches. We can of course ignore God’s commandments and ‘follow our heart’ but from experience I know that this is the long way round. God can still use the situation for good but this is rather an abuse of grace to do so intentionally. After meeting up a second time to clarify things and leave him with a tract, I realised that he was seriously into me and that he had formed the impression that my beliefs were no barrier to our (potential) future together 🙂 That makes me a bit sad to realise that there are some Christians out there that would be willing to compromise their beliefs (it is a commandment not simply piece of sound advice) as I probably would have at one point in my walk also. I respect him and can do no more than let him make up his own mind which is his God given freedom. The one however does negate the other if you take this stance. Friendship is always on the books but nothing more.
    In terms of a ‘successful marriage” it might work otherwise if the two are not too serious about their faith – observing traditions and the like as someone mentioned earlier, but if it is an issue for you it is an issue. If the question is in your mind, you already have some doubts! Prior to marriage, you may be able to reason doubts away but from then on it I believe it will cause tremendous heartache if you really want to get serious about your faith (growth – assuming that you are already saved/born again). Imagine not being able to share some of the most important joys and promises from the Bible with the one that you love? For me this is incomprehensible. I would encourage from my reading of Scriptures and some of the comments here to make the decision at the beginning with your head before your heart gets involved…Sorry D, You are a sweet guy. I will try to be more overt next time. – Hope to see you in Heaven some day 🙂

  7. 27
    Diane Crane

    Generally a well-balanced discussion with no one getting too hot and heavy.   Very refreshing.   The Bible has never been of ultimate importance to me, and I get very tired of this “my religion’s better than yours” attitude.   Yes, attitude is everything.   it’s all about how you treat other people.   Right now, my boyfriend is at church making confession.   My way of thinking is, I don’t require a middleman.   My parents once considered becoming Unitarians.   I get along well with most everyone, but I must admit the extremely religious can test my patience sometimes.   And there ARE some people I know at this time that I would not want to be around in heaven!!   I wonder if we get to choose – I hope so!

    1. 27.1
      CZ

      I so agree with you.   I believe and I’ll talk directly with him.   I as well do not need a middleman.   Organized religion is no more than a business.   That’s what they are all about if you really look at it.   And let’s also look at how Christian a lot of these folks are that are the heads of these organizations!

  8. 28
    Julie

    I remember a good friend of mine came from a Muslim family. He really really liked me, thought I was beautiful, but he admitted to me that he couldn’t bring home a blonde, blue eyed American girl home to the parents.
    A few years later, he ended up in a relationship with a Catholic girl and enjoying all of the benefits of fun and casual sex. This went on for a year and a half before I asked him where his relationship was going. He clearly wasn’t in it for any long term implications. Because she hadn’t clarified with him her hopes and intentions, he was under the impression she was also okay with this arrangement.
    I set him straight. I told him that if she is a Catholic girl, especially a practicing Catholic, she was most definitely in this relationship in hopes of it turning into a marriage. In fact, I YELLED at him and told him to end the relationship now if it turns out that was what she really wanted. I told him that he needed to get serious and find a Muslim girl. He was so upset with me initially that he complained to all of our mutual friends about it. We didn’t talk for a year and a half. Two years later, he found a Muslim girl and married her within the year. He’s really really happy and we are back to being really good friends.
    At any rate, people of faith really shouldn’t pursue a marriage commitment with nonbelievers if they plan on building a life with someone. Can you imagine arguing with your partner about whether or not to have the children attend church? No thank you. It’s fundamental.

  9. 29
    Kristine

    I am going through a painful separration.   ultiminty due to my fiance’s obsession with his church and faith! not has been an uphill battle for me with him because he never wanted to grow up and be an adult. That is why I never tied the knot! Thank God because after all I’ve been through he left me because he became a born again christian. The crazy part here is that I am a preachers daughter and a missionary’s kid of the same faith but in my adult life choose to not go to church and to follow my faith in my heart and live my life with the core values and morals I was raised with. We both did this but now he’s joined a church and has become fanatical about it giving all his time and energy into this and nothing for us! He has with held his love   and affection from me in hopes it will force me to join him! It’s ludacris! He’s finally walked out of our home   and it has left me devastated for 6 months now!   How someone could change that drastically over “faith” even when you basically believe the same core values! It’s ubsurd!   He’s preaching at me and judging me it’s disgusting! He said he would come back if I join him! I refuse! This is why I can’t stand organized religion! I’ve now lost 20 good years and I’m forced to start over. It hurts so much he could fall in love with Jesus Christ and fall out of love with me. Isn’t he supposed to become a more loving partner after finding God? People change, it happens everyday it’s just a tough pill to swallow especially because I did nothing to deserve this!

    1. 29.1
      Jason

      I don’t like organized religion either. It’ snot like any of you actually follow what’s in the Bible and the majority of you don’t even know what’s in it so maybe we shouldn’t be surprised. After all, it says the man is head of the wife just as Jesus is head of the church, right? Yeah like any woman these days would go along with that in this feminist country.

    2. 29.2
      Carrie Lynn

      As much as it hurts, he can’t be a loving partner because he did not make a marriage commitment with you before he was born again.

      Being a preacher’s daughter I would have thought you would be familiar with the specifics of marriage according to Christianity. If you can find it in your heart to understand what position his being born again will put you both in, you will be able to understand what further heartache you are saved from.

      All relationship have a risk of ending, be it because of religion or other non religious reasons.

      Growing apart, doesn’t help   maintain a relationship.

       

      Its for the best that the relationship ended.

  10. 30
    Desean

    Shoot, #25/29 spoke out to me… My girlfriend and I broke up a week ago over religion because she wanted to find Jehovah and give him her praise… I a man who love and has his own relationship with god but not in the form of making every decisions through him and devoting all my time and life to religion… Not being able to live a life without choice is not a life I was willing to commit to….
    To back it up a bit…. When we first met she had told me 3 years prior to netting me she was in a relationship and marriage that lasted 10 years… My first question was, how did it end after such a long time… She told me that when they were first together things were great because they were doing them and loving each other, but somewhere down the line things had changed and he wanted to devote his life to Jehovah and said our household will participate… Over the course they also had a son… She was not devoted to that religion, it was forced upon her.. She told me that it was awful because she did not love Jehovah, she loved him… After her faking that she had loved Jehovah she left him and the church to live her life…. Now 3 years later she met me… We called it, “The Perfect Timing… Things were great… We weren’t living in the same sate so together we decided that I would leave my basketball career and move out to her… It was hard but I did it…   I moved to her because I loved her and at the time the sons father (ex-husband) had full custody over their child… I agreed but asked her to promise me one thing… I asked her to promise me that she would make our decisions after this year once we get the child support changed and we would move on with our life and move to somewhere we want to be… She happily promised me… We moved into a beautiful new apartment together and things were great.. We had our ups and downs as all couples do… My fear was that she was going to live on the shadow and hurt her ex-husband left on her… And her fear was that I couldn’t love her…
    One day it got to the point where she felt she had to up and go to church… Very odd… She left that morning around 11am and didn’t return till 7 that night… No text, no call.. Nothing… I was crushed.. When she came in she told me she just needed comfort.. I asked where she had went to church and she had told me she went to the kingdom hall (Jehovah witness)… I was even more hurt and confused because she told me previously all that that religion had done… Then she tells me she went out drinking, which we agreed that we didn’t want that in our lives… At this point I’m angry and hurt and leave.. I pack a suitcase and tell her I can’t take this… After a day of me leaving she texts me saying that I will move on fast and on to the next girl… I told her that, that was not going to happen because I loved her and that we had something special I just needed time…. A few days later she had texted me telling me she was giving herself to Jehovah and of I couldn’t join we wouldn’t be together… I was instantly turned off and angry….I took a step back for the remaking of the week and figured myself out and what I really wanted… And what I came to realize what I really wanted was her and that I need to prove it to her… I came to realize that half of her going to Jehovah was my fault because I wasn’t there to give her comfort… From that moment I realized I needed to be a better man for myself and her… I changed… And for the better… She told me she couldn’t love me anymore.. Instantly I stopped my little vacation and caught the next flight home to save my relationship… When I arrived I moved back into our room.. When she came home she was shocked to see I was back.. I told her I’m here and I’m here to stay.. You may not see it right now, but I am going to show you how much I love you every day… She then asked, have you seen anyone or talked to anyone. I said no… I then asked her.. She said no… I reached for her phone and saw messages to her ex-husband… Talking sexually… And her sending pictures of herself to him in our home… I was crushed… Because while I was changing and giving her my all she was on back to him and devoting herself to Jehovah… A life which she said destroyed her… I cried and told her that I’m sorry because half the reason all this is happening is because of me… And i didn’t give you my all… She replied and told me she didn’t love me anymore… She loved him… I cried and she held me… We began to make love and she told me she wanted my last name and wanted to have my kids… After it was over she looked at me and said, you really have changed and want to give me your all… I then asked if she truly meant berating while we were making love… She stood quiet… I knew then that she was just saying those things and making love toe because she need someone.. Not me, anyone… I fought for a week being turned down to And looked over for Jehovah… Then the next minute being told I am everything she wanted… Her ex-relatives would contact her telling her she can’t love me and live with me and that I needed to move out because it was Jehovah’s way… I asked… Is this what you want or what Jehovah wants… She replied… It’s what he wants and me… And I fought and eventually told her I would devote myself to Jehovah… And I sat back and realized that I would be living a lonely lie… I was willing to give all of me to 1 person and put her first… But she was putting me last and ranking Jehovah above all… I then told her… You realize what you’re doing to me is exactly what your ex-husband did to you… She replied it’s the only way…. Before   I moved out she told me she would find me one day and that we would be together….. I thought to myself… How is that possible?   Because she will never be able to put me number 1, we will never live our life, we will only live by Jehovah’s law….
    Truth is… If someone can’t give you all of them and put your first… Then they aren’t in love with you and it’ll never work… Yes, they may have love for you… But they definitely aren’t “in love with you”… I believe in god and have my own relationship with him… But it don’t believe gods wants us to devote our lives to him and not think for ourselves… I believe god is so selfless, the reason he died for us and gave us life was to show us that if you are to find true love and someone you want to spend your life with that they have to come first and above all things.. I believe god is so selfless they he wants us to put our other half before all things and himself … in love you have to be selfless… I gave her my all… But how can you fight for one who doesn’t want to give you all of them? It just won’t work wwithout the two of you hand in hand making decisions together and living your own life as one and making devisions “together”. It has to be an… “Us Against The World” type of love for it last… Exactly what I was willing to do but she wasn’t…

    1. 30.1
      Cool point

      I can relate, i had a girlfriend she also chose the religion over me, I’ve known her every since we were kids. i was raised by my mother she was also one of jehovahs witnesses, thats how i ended up in the organization but I was never baptized. My mother and i moved in a different      kingdom hall, so i haven’t seen her for 4 years. my mother then left   organization (to make it short for my mother) my   mother left because she started to realize that what they were doing wasn’t fully right for her. some of the rules were made by men and not God himself……   After 4 years I found her on   instagram and started   to follow her, she didn’t regonice me, i started to like all her pictures she then commented on one of my pics and said “thank u for liking all my pictures”. she still didn’t regonize me, so i told her who i was. she was so shocked, she told me that I’ve changed a bit , that’s why she didn’t regonice me, she then gave me her number. We were chatting everyday like i was the only guy she was interested in knowing me . She was being so kind to me. She then asked if I’m single, i said yes. i asked the same, she said yes. I was actually shocked, how can a beautiful woman like you still be single? She told me she was in a relationship before but her ex boyfriend cheated on her but that was 2years ago. She asked if i ever wanted to be with her every since we we’re little, i said every since i met you. she was shocked she always thought i wasn’t her type. she ask if i can start a relationship with her. I was pretty surprised when she ask me that. But then i ask if shes baptized, she told me no not yet. She said if we start with this relationship, promise me you will never leave me or even break my heart. I told her that i would keep my promise no matter what. i ask if she can do the same, she said yes I’ll never break your heart or leave you no matter what. she told me to keep our relationship a secret, she didnt want her perants to know yet,   i ask why, she told me when shes ready she’ll tell them. I thought maybe she was still shy to tell them. so we continued our relationship after months things started to get difficult, it was pretty difficult for her and me to see each other, sometimes it took us 2 months to see each other again , because her parents are   very strict and she always goes out with her parents, and she lives pretty far from my place yet we didn’t give up on each other we kept our promises. I told one of my close friends of mine that i was in a relationship with her.. and that i wanted to marry her but then he asked if I’m baptized, i told him no why, he told me how would you ever marry her if you’re not baptized,   i told him that i know the rules but she isn’t baptized. My friend told me that she is. i was so shocked and mad, how could she lie to me about something like that… i asked her again if she’s baptized, she told me why i kept asking her the same question, i said one of my friends told me, she didn’t know what to say. i then ask why she lied to me, she told me she wanted to surprise me. I was so mad, i couldn’t break my promise… because i knew it would break her heart. She ask why i don’t go back and become one of jehovahs witnesses, i told her if i do that,   it means that i can never interfere with my mother again because my mom is one of the ex jehovahs witnesses, i can never do that to my mother.    she started to cry telling me that she doesn’t wanna lose me. I told her how serious this is.. i told her that she’ll lose her perants if we keep this up, she kept telling me that she’ll leave the religion   and marry me,   she even promised me she would do it. I kept asking her if she’s sure if she wants to do that, giving everything up just to stay with me. she said yes she promised she would stay no matter what. Idk my feelings started to grow even more for her, i started to trust her even more,   one day i asked her on a date, she told me it will be difficult for her to go out alone, i said if its difficult then we’ll go next time, she said no she really wants to go out with me, i wanted to go the the cinema with her. Something   she wanted to do with me for so long, i bought the tickets then i waited for her. When she arrived she brought her girlfriend and she is also one of jehovahs witnesses, and she pretty much hates me. She hates it everytime my ex gave me more attention . I was mad… i told her that this was a date not a girls night out. I just couldn’t go out like this so i went home. I told her “you girls can have fun without me”. After that she texted me, she told me she couldn’t take it anymore and said that she wants to do the right thing by breaking up with me and doing Gods will, she told me if i don’t go back being a jehovahs witness she will break up with me. i told her, that i will not go back there, i asked her what about all the promises you made, she said you’re better off without me, i felt lost i thought this was it, i lost the love of my life the next day she started to text me again bagging me to be with her again because she couldn’t take the pain she misses me, i told her its better like this, she kept telling me she couldn’t live without me im all that she wants, she said my bestfriend told me to break up with you i was stupid to listen to her. i felt her pain so i gave her another chance she promised me she wouldn’t hurt me like that ever again, i forgave her but at the same time it wasn’t easy for me to trust her again, after 2 months it was still a problem for us to meet. sometime we meet ones a month   when her parents aren’t home. still we wanted to meet more   i told her to talk to her parents that we’re together because i couldn’t keep our relationship a secret anymore it was to much for us both,   but   i asked   if shes ready to tell them, she said yes shes ready,   but i had the feeling that she would change her mind again. after she told her parents about us   her parents started tell   her things (can’t remember what exactly) that changed her mind again , and i was right. She told me that having a secret relationship with a out sider isn’t right, its a sin. She kept bagging me to go back to their organization or she wil have no choice but to break up with me again,   i was like you know what if you wanna go then go.. i can’t do this anymore you keep lying to me, you said   you would stay no matter what yet you don’t.  Making   promises you can’t even keep its the second time you broke my heart, she said I’m only doing what jehovah want me to do, i asked her is this really what God wants you to do or is this what you want.   She said she’s only following Gods rules… i told her some of them are man made, she doesn’t wanna believe that, she told me that they’re working through the bible, i then ignored her, i couldn’t take the pain, it was to much for me i loved her so much, i asked her if i can just visit their kingdom hall without being baptized and   do my best, she said that wouldn’t be a problem i would stil marry you as long as you visit the kingdom hall, and i did, but while i was doing that i felt pain like i wasn’t myself i gave everything up just to stay with her, when her parents knew who i was they took my ex phone away only to protect her from me,   so we haven’t had contact for a month.. my ex did everything she could   by asking her friends   if she can borrow their phones to contact me again through FB or instagram it was a tough month i then bought   a good phone for her…. to make it easy for her to contact me, lucky for me she was home alone, she sneaked out of the hous and took the bus, to see me i told her to meet me up   at the park it was, quiet.   we finally made some love together. 1 month later she went   to the kingdom hall, and learned how to stay loyal to God. It hit her she started to change her mind again, she texted me asking me how i was, but different. While she was texting me   i started to feel like something was wrong i asked her what she learned at the kingdom hall, she answered ” how to stay loyal to jehovah” she asked   if i ever gonna be baptized i told her no because if i do that means i can’t interfere with my mother again, and that’s not what i want for her, she told me that this wasn’t right for us and that i should move on with my life, i couldn’t take it anymore, i gave her so many chances yet   she still broke my heart i did everything i could to keep her in my life but she chose the religion over me, i felt so much pain, she broke up with   me again, and this time she was serious, she doesn’t call me she doesn’t text me anymore we’ve been together for 9 months she was the first love of my life and i lost her i had to make a choice between her and my mother. I chose my mother because she also means the world to me. So i let her go

    2. 30.2
      Yumi

      @Desean  i was really touched at what had happened to you,I truly hope you find peace in another human being and in yourself… I am not a true judge of character but I do believe in wrong and right way to do things..and loving an unseen God without first loving the person u see next to you..is a wrong way to go about it.  Just like lying,cheating,and being self centered, (I highly doubt God is in favor of those)  

      It is impossible to serve Jehovah and cheat,and/or lie.

      It is wrong to most of all claim to be on God’s good side while hurting another human being.

      I hope she finds her purpose in life,and serves not only Jehovah in her encounters but lives with him in her life so she can hurt less people.

      Because,it is impossible to love a God u can’t see without first loving the man u can see.

  11. 31
    Abe Lincoln

    I went through this when I found out my ex was a pentecostal and the pastor spoke in tongues. It always sounded like b.s. and asking for boatloads of money. I couldn’t believe how she chose that over me. I was always there for her. Christianity life style felt like a cult and she no longer had her personality anymore.   I see a lot of Christians defending this catholic guy. To you christians.   You don’t realize how much you ripped off judaism and live the wrong way. Good advice for people with passion   in in life is not to date religious people.

    1. 31.1
      Buck25

      I’ll definitely co-sign on that one!

  12. 32
    Vicki

    People date outside their religion because it’s a great way to stay single. It’s the same as dating a married man, or someone who lives 10,000 miles away . Deep down, someone who does this is (consciously or subconsciously) very sold out to staying single. I’m not saying interfaith relationships don’t work, but statistically they don’t work very often. Someone who is serious about wanting a relationship will date within their own faith, cultural background, etc. If you’re Catholic and you want to be married, you should by all means be signing up for Catholic dating sites. If you’re an Evangelical, there’s no better site than ChristianMingle. A lot of Christian singles fall into the trap of “missionary dating”, hoping the other person will convert, but it’s better to start off dating someone who is already on the same page with you spiritually. You’re just setting yourself up for an uphill struggle. Maybe you should ask yourself why you want to sabotage yourself in this way? Having said that, people from minority religions who have fewer dating options because of such a tiny pool of potential mates probably should study up on how to make interfaith relationships work, since they are likely to wind up in one. Last I checked, there’s no shortage of Catholic, Hindu, Muslim or Protestant singles, so if someone from another faith than yours is interested in you, it’s fair to question how serious they are. They are probably going to be a one-date-wonder — or worse, they might waste a few years of your life. If you are a women of childbearing age, you don’t have that time to waste if you want children. It’s just something to think about.

  13. 33
    starthrower68

    It is interesting that what some call deep conviction in faith, another calls a cult mentality or obsession.   Or when a person of faith explains where they’re coming from, it’s automatically assumed they’re condemning or talking down to those who do not believe.   Now that’s not to say that there aren’t “in name only” Christians. But it’s not a matter of thinking “I’m a believer so I’m better than you” for most of the faithful.   It’s a different set of values and beliefs.   Do we believe that it is the truth? We sure do, but that doesn’t mean we’re mad at or hate those who do not share our faith.   

  14. 34
    SoldierforGod

    Desean,

    You are truly delusional if you think that God wants us to put Him as the #2…& you can’t be referring to Jesus with a comment like that. You need to find out His purpose for your life & stop being a “people pleaser.” God has a purpose for your life. He didn’t die on the cross just so that you can live life the way you’ve suggested. He should ALWAYS be #1. Be true to Him first & the rest will line up for you. Make your decisions based on His guidance…wait to hear a word from Him. If you truly have a relationship with Him, listen out for His voice…because when you hear the Good Shepherd’s voice, the voice of a stranger you shall not follow. Take out some time for yourself & stop allowing your feelings & emotions to override everything. God doesn’t serve us based on our feelings. He gives us what He knows is best for us. When you gave your life to Him, it (your life) no longer belongs to you. Put Him first & stop your selfishness. I’m learning my own life lessons, but I gain more clarity when I seek wisdom from Him. Live your life not based on the actions of others. Love yourself enough to know that God will send you the woman that you’re supposed to have. Get up off of your “rusty, dusty do-nothing” & give God true reign over your life. As the word says, “a double-minded man is UNSTABLE in ALL his ways.” This is so true & I hope that you heed this. Again, I’m preaching to myself, too. I have some work to do, but it’s gotten easier since I’m giving it all to the One that can handle my load. His name is Jesus Christ!! Best wishes to you!   

    1. 34.1
      Buck25

      SFG,

      Got a question for you. “Soldier for God,” huh?   Care to share your branch, dates of service and MOS, or is “soldier” just a moniker you like? If it’s the latter, real soldiers just might resent your use of a title you haven’t earned.   I suggest you ante up some credentials, if you have any, that is.

    2. 34.2
      Buck25

      What’s the matter, SFG? ” One that can handle my load?” That’s the thing I never could understand about you Christians. What’s the matter, weakling?   You’re not man enough to handle life without leaning on some fake deity to “support ” you? Pathetic, each and every last one of you! No wonder you try to judge and shame others! No wonder you deal in threats and lies, and try to exploit the most vulnerable, broken, weak people you can find to “convert”. Ha! You, and all your priests, pastors, whatever, have nothing whatever to offer to any real man with inner strength. Real men don’t cower, or beg, they endure. One who does that, doesn’t need you, your church, or your fake “god”.

      Since you’re here offering advice, let me give you a little. Your own rulebook (that’s what you treat it as)says that when you try to convert people, and they don’t want to hear you, you should leave. Sounds like good advice to me, and the rest of us would appreciate it, if you   followed that. Most of you don’t. I once made the mistake, years ago od attending a church-sponsored social event. The next thing I knew, I had no less than six of your noxious species, on my doorstep, unannounced and uninvited, haranguing me for three hours on how I knew I was “saved” or some such nonsense, until I finally ran out of patience and told them to just go away. I’ll never make the mistake of associating with any of you, in any way, ever again! It also tells you not to judge. Try following that advice as well; you know, what’s good for the rest of us, is good for you. Stop making threats; no one’s afraid of you, or your priests and other clerics, or your phony superstition, so just….stop. I’m going to hell? Really? Do you promise, if I do, YOU won’t be there? You do? Wonderful; I feel better already!   As for knowing what’s best for me (or anyone else), that’s not for you,   your church, or any preacher, or any supposed “deity”   to decide. Incidentally, real men don’t sit around and wait for some phony god to give them what they need; they act, and go get what they want. Don’t like that? I don’t care. Real men don’t talk, they do. All I see from you is bloviating; try getting up off YOUR dead ass, and walk the walk, instead of talking the talk. You might get more respect that way.   As it is, any and all of you Bible thumpers have all the credibility with me, of any other snake oil salesman. You guess how much that is.

      I once took an oath to support and defend a constitution that gives you the right to come on here, or anywhere else, and hawk the fraud and the other nonsense you spew. I support your right to do that, but I don”t have to like it, or approve of it, and I damn well do not. Are we clear on that?

  15. 35
    Curt

    My girlfriend and I recently ended our six month relationship, mainly because of the difference between my faith, Catholicism, and her non-denominational Christian Church. Each of us valued our faith traditions, but thetipping point that could no longer be ignored was the disconnect each of us felt when attending services of the other, as well somefundamental questions like which faith the children would be raised in, child Baptism vs. adolescentor adult Baptism, etc.   

    If your faith is important to you, expect that it will grow deeper as you age.   Those things that run contrary to the tenets of your faith, when you choose to ignore/set aside, may become very problematic down the road.   

    Curt  

  16. 36
    judy

    Well – someone who is intensely religious is giving me the eye and trying to be physical with me. I can’t be bothered and have decided to drop it. This will only lead to grief.

    You cannot ask someone to choose between their very important religion and you. Let it be and move on.

  17. 37
    EmJay

    I’m not sure that it’s OK for people to choose their imaginary friend over real people/friendship/relationship. Personally, religion doesn’t matter to me. But I now realize that there are millions of people out there who will choose religion. I think it’s true, that religion is the opiate of the masses.

  18. 38
    Isela

    So easy to type words, expressions of our own individual realities. Whatever they may be?? I think the burning question is always why? When something ends, even if you know what   ended it. Why did you meet? Why did either individual choose to withhold some fundamental truths about themselves until later in the relationship? I know the writer states that it doesn’t matter why in the grand scheme of things, but I think that it is there that sorrow/ pain come from, because it creates doubt, in ourselves, our own beliefs, our “worthiness”. It is very difficult, that is all I know. Love and Faith, not easy to navigate, interesting that they are at the pinnacle of all religions and yet they are the things that tangle us up the most??? Weird.

  19. 39
    Tanya

    Im really confused. I was raised Catholic but left in my teen years, I met the love of my life 30 years ago and had to spilt because of his cheating and lying.   30 years later he finds me and my heart flips a thousand times   he is a deacon and changed his life completely. I really don’t understand the implication and neither does he explain. We still could feel the feelings and sparks. But everyone   we   had to meet something always came up and he found excuses to the point of unfriending me and never talk to me. I was decayed could not understand but he had told his family that he was in contact with me and they all contacted me. And this is what they explained to me   I have to convrrt to his faith, do the work of God in order to be a good wife. Ok I believe in the Lord I’m a good caring person who   helps family and friends why would God stop two people who love each other not to be together because of religion. I still have a hard time understanding even after reading all your comments.

     

    1. 39.1
      DeeGee

      Tanya said: “why would God stop two people who love each other not to be together

      “God” isn’t stopping anyone, we all have free will.
      Their decision will be based on their own personal convictions.

      and said: “And this is what they explained to me   I have to convert to his faith

      II Corinthians 6:14
      Do not be unequally yoked.
      This is also typically interpreted as inter-faith coupling.

      P.S. My apologies to Evan for starting a bible study on his blog.

    2. 39.2
      Carrie Lynn

      Tanya, it will be easier if you can treat religion like any other passions in   life.

      Could you ever see yourself married to a man that have opposite passions to you? Where would you find common ground for relationship bonding and maintaining if there is hardly anything either of you enjoy at the same time?

      Don’t even friendships need some common passions to build human bond?

       

      Marriage is a tighther bond than friendship.

  20. 40
    ash

    To my extended family members I would like say Never lose your sensibility in the name of religion.God never wrote any of the holy book just like another story teller and a seller its man made.If god made religion why ain’t the animals, birds,trees,mountains,sea,ocean,etc etc not divided by religion?? At an emergency in a blood bank we don’t talk about religion or ask for blood of their own religion to save a loved ones life? What’s happens to your unequally yoke??? Get a life. Its time to be compassion and let humanisin be the only religion.

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