You Want Someone Who Sticks By You Through Tough Times

husband gives flowers to his wife at the hospital
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My client Christie just told me a horrible story about her fiancé pulling away from her.

My client May recently informed me that her on-again/off-again boyfriend was off-again.

My client Selma has been so hurt by her last guy that she’s keeping all her relationships casual.

If you empathize with them, and you find that your love life, too, is a perpetual challenge, it doesn’t have to be that way. Really. It doesn’t.

By learning about men and what it’s fair to expect from them, you can let go of your frustration and confusion instantly.

It’s easy to be in a relationship when everything is perfect.

It’s easy to be in a relationship when everything is perfect.

You discover something new about your partner every day.

You send flirty texts when you’re out of town.

You can’t stop thinking about him – or the great sex you’re having.

You leave your weekends open, knowing that he’ll fill them with his presence.

This is new love, and truly, there’s nothing better.

But let’s say you’re riding high, when suddenly you get laid off? Or your mom gets sick and has to go to the hospital?

Any normal woman is going to have a rough time with either scenario. Feelings of sadness, powerlessness, and impotence. Depression, frustration, and low-self esteem.

At such times, you can’t be expected to be a ton of fun to be around, nor to have very much to give to a partner.

Which means that a man has be really invested in you to weather the bad stretches.

A fair-weather boyfriend – Mr. Right Now – doesn’t want to bother with driving you to the hospital or helping you with your resume.

A man who doesn’t support you when you’re at your weakest is not a man to keep.

He just wants you to be fun, spontaneous, and easygoing – none of which describe your emotions when you’re dealing with illness or unemployment.

As awful as it is to recover from such setbacks, it’s even worse when the person you’re dating pulls away or isn’t supportive of you.

In a way, it almost feels worse than the event itself.

Suddenly, you’re not just obsessing about how hard it is to hold it together emotionally, but you’re being torn apart by your growing distance from your “partner”.

This is no way to live life.

And I know because I have had MANY clients go through this.

One woman had to put life on hold to help her son through drug rehab.

Another struggled for months with the illness and death of her beloved mother.

Another has been out of work for nearly a year and can’t find a position like her old job.

Each and every one suffered through boyfriends (in one instance a fiancé!) who weren’t fully supportive of them through their darkest days.

And what did each of these amazing women want to do?

THEY WANTED TO HOLD ON TO THE UNSUPPORTIVE BOYFRIEND!

Sorry. Wrong answer.

THIS is how he acts when he’s asked to be selfless.

THIS is how he acts when he doesn’t get his way.

THIS is how he acts when the chips are down.

So why would you want to commit to a man who doesn’t have the decency to put your needs first when you need him the most?

Because you love him?

Because he’s cute and smart and funny and successful?

WHO CARES?

You just got a glimpse of the rest of your life.

A man who doesn’t support you when you’re at your weakest is not a man to keep.

As tough as it is to let him go, he’s done you a favor. He’s shown you his stripes. And he’s shown them to you early enough that you can move along.

I had a girlfriend who dumped me after I struggled in business in 2004. I’m not going to defend myself and say that I was a ball of laughs. I was pretty anxious and challenging to be around. But she gave up on me when I needed her most. That said everything to me.

Imagine you’re married and this happens.

He pulls away when you get depressed at your work situation.

He refuses to communicate when you want to know where your relationship’s headed.

He leaves you when you get breast cancer.

By ignoring your guy’s pitiful reaction to life’s challenges, you’re signing on for deep heartbreak in the future.

Don’t do it.

Your type should start with the man who treats you the best… everything else comes in second.

How a partner responds to crisis and communicates through challenges says everything about the future you will have together. Does he crumble? Withdraw? Bail out?

If so, consider yourself lucky. You just dodged a major bullet.

Now I’d like you to think about the partner who sticks with you through your trauma.

What does it say about the partner who puts up with your suffering?

What does it say about the partner who cheers you up when you’re down?

What does it say about the partner who believes in “for better or for worse”?

It says that he is selfless.

It says that he loves you unconditionally.

It says that he is willing to put your needs first.

What relevance does all this heavy stuff have to do with you?

Well, you know that it would be wonderful to find true love. But it seems so far away, so impossible.

It’s not impossible.

It happens every day.

In the past few years, it happened to my sister, my four best friends, and me. Not to mention HUNDREDS of my clients and readers.

And if there’s a common thread between those relationships, it’s that all of us let go of how it was “supposed” to look and found the partner who accepted us at our worst.

What we found were spouses who share the same values, the same humor, and had the same dedication to building a life together that we did.

If you’ve ever had a partner who didn’t want you at your BEST…who wouldn’t commit to you even when you were 100% happy …think about what it would be like to have a partner who would run from you when you’re struggling.

Only by putting kindness and consistency above all other qualities – looks, money, height, weight, age – only then can you find a love this deep and true.

It’s easy to wonder where these kind people are, but I’m telling you, they’re everywhere.

You just might not consider them your “type”.

Your type should start with the man who treats you the best… everything else comes in second.

While it takes little work to find Mr. Right, with me by your side, it’s a much quicker (and more exciting!) ride.

Join our conversation (134 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 41
    Katrina

    Listen girls. My husband of ten years is divorcing me in the middle of breast cancer treatments. I can’t even begin to describe the pain of stage III cancer and much less the pain of going through divorce in the middle of it. If a guy shows these colors dating RUN RUN RUN!!!!!!

  2. 42
    Bernadette

    Ive always been there for my boyfriend, 2 months ago i had a back injury and   at that time i saw his true colours, he couldnt even be bothered to come and visit me, yet he was always professing his love for me and how much he cares for me… In times of need he want there for me, yet when he  was facing some work issues, i was there for him all along…

    I have since dumped him and im better off single  until i meet someone who  is  real.    

        

  3. 43
    rc

    Every situation is different I guess. I met my ex while he and his wife had been talking of divorce. She filed and we started seeing eachother. It was 2 years of ups and downs but for the most part we were supportive. I noticed as the divorce process was nearing the end he got cold and distant and depressed. The divorce was an emotional and financial burden and I noticed he began to drag his feelings of guilt and anger into our relationship. He was hit or miss if something stressful was going on with me during this time. It was like he needed all his energy to stay afloat himself.   This is when he started getting irritated and saying things like he needed space even tho I only saw him once a week but would text him daily to see how he was and to keep a form of communication ooen between us. This is where I should have asked for face to fave communication because texting seemed to be impersonal and kinda left a hole between us.
      
    He decided he needed to spend all his energy in himself at this point and I was already drained from trying to be supportive. He said he hadn’t dealt with the consequences of the divorce and he wasn’t prepared to face friends and family because they would think it was our relationship that ended their marriage which was already dead years before I met him. He also felt like our relationship could affect his divorce case and his job (we work together). All these seem valid but it still hurts that he shunned me away so coldly.  
      
    I believe he was trying but his paranoia and depressed state turned him into a monster. I am currently trying to live my life as I see fit and I still care for him as he told me he does me. This only pains me worse in a way to hear him confess he still loves me and has feelings for me. Because I wonder if he really did, he would try to be positive and look for ways to make thibgs work for us.  
      
    Righy now we are trying to be friendly and at times I feel his the man I fell in love with but its like a switch goes off in his head and tells him he is being too nice. Then he turns cold. He made a comment before we split that we became tok emotionally attached. It made me confused because I don’t see whats the problem in that. I guess he wasn’t planning on becoming so conncected with me? I do know him and his wife had a relationship like you’d have with a roommate. No emotions, cold,   separate, doing things on their own and for themselves. He mentioned several times how he felt undesired and unimportant to her. He said she was selfish and negative and cold and judgmental but always kept up appearances outside of the home to everyone. I truly believe he has absorbed her mentality and persona, as it has been all he’s known during their 17 years of marriage. He had always said that I opened his eyes to what love and being in love is all about. But I guess when the going gets tough, he reverted back to what he knew best in his former relationship dynamic.  
      
      Its rough right now because although I am concerned for him still, I don’t want to show too much care because he feels I have ulterior motives. Similar to what he would say of his wife. Going thru a relationship without trust for so long really wrecks potential in future relationships. I have cut texting and everything else.   When we see one another at work, I feel torned. I told himif he wants to talk we can but I’m not going to go out of my way to talk to him.He seems to need ttime to deal properly with his negative sense of self worth and guilt and paranoia. When we talk now he is kinda closed off as tho he’s not sure how to act. I welcome him to seek me for support but I have had to tell him I have major boundaries now with him and will not accept hot and cold behavior from him even tho we aren’t technically a couple. I don’t know what our cards hold because I get mixed signals from him. Signals that he misses me but he’s still having internal battles.  
      
    Sometimes when people have struggles they do get selfish because they aren’t capable of balancing their time and heart all around. He is my best friend, but I wonder what exactly is the best way to be supportive? He has shown his true colors by showing me a side of him in the past days that he is emotionally imbalanced. I told him I understand he is going thru a lot but his self absorbed actions and words to me is unacceptable. Regardless of what you might be going thru, just remember that when you push away those that care the most you might push them so far away that you might never get them back. And if you truly do care for those people, you’d try your best to see them in a positive light instead of thinking they’re out to sink you further.  
      
      I used to blame myself for not heloing more or being more supportive. But in the process while I was trying to be a great gf, I was losing myself because his negative outlook was stealing the energy I needed to stay afloat. It was take take take from him as I gave gave gave during his storm. He began to feel trapped and even referenced me to being like his wife when it couldn’t be farther from the truth. I believe he just began to relive all the negative feelings he experienced from him wife. Now I know it could have been HIM all along who was the negative force in his marriage. I don’t not think about that at times because I know people sometimes only see the bad in situations and people without looking at themselves too.  
      
    I vented long enough….
    I plan on being there for him when he seems to need me most.   But I am carefully guarding my heary while I try to balance how much to be there.

      
      

  4. 44
    Sparkling Emerald

    This article is spot on !!!!!!!!!!!
    I married my “fair weather husband” when we were still in the rose colored glasses phase, and never really saw each other in a crisis.   The only glimpse I had of his fair weather quality was the fact that he would get pi$$y when my allergies flared up, because he couldn’t stand the sound of my sneezing and sniffling.   (that right there should have been a red flag, or at least a pink flag)
    Yes he was a wonderful hubby on our honeymoon.   Yes, he was father of the year when our son was a beautiful new born, and an angelic toddler.   (Our son was an exceptionally mellow and co-operative toddler, never really went through the terrible two’s etc.)  
    Flash forward 10 years   to parents getting sick and dying, our once exceptionally well behaved toddler, now a mouthy, messy teen telling his mother to “F off” in response to a simple request to take out the garbage, me being constructively terminated from a job, me getting depressed and anxious over trying to care for my sick mom for several   years while my dad ranted and raved about the inconvenience of having such a sick wife (yet refusing to pay anyone to provide )   respite care for her) all while I was going through menopause.   His biggest beef with my depression/anxiety ?   He had to clean the bathroom once, and he had to pick up our son at the hospital when we BOTH had menengitis, and I wasn’t cooking very much in my depressed and anxious state. So all he was concerned about when I was going through hard times was that I wasn’t able to provide maid service and home cooked meals (and not much sex either)   Without consulting me, he made a decision to divorce me, when our son was grown.   So even tho I recovered from my depression/anxiety, and came back even STRONGER than I was before, got another BETTER job than the one that I was constructively terminated from, when our son was almost 21, hubby said that we were through, because of my episode 10 years earlier.
    EMK is absolutely right on with this.   DON’T stick around with a fair weather boyfriend.   They will not keep those marriage vows of “sickness and health” “richer or poorer” “better or worse”.   If you get sick or poor they will RUN.
      

    1. 44.1
      Curious

      So sorry for your struggle. He did you a favor though. Why even want to be work such a mean o. I know it would have been nice to lean on someone loving finally,   but he’s not it…

  5. 45
    Ariel

    I was riding high too, and suddenly fell. I got depressed. More depressing thing is I lost my friends and a normal social life.
    Some tough times can be conquered. Some may never during life time.
    Worse than people pulling away is when people do not pull away but change attitudes and begin to fool around.
    But such experiences make one see through a lot of issues in life which one never would have the chance to entire life. So it makes one grown. Maybe it’s not necessarily bad.
    I don’t care. I would only cherish true friendship/love, and they can not be lost any way. Nothing else really matters.

  6. 46
    cr

    EMK, I agree with this article, however I’m confused by the line “He refuses to communicate when you want to know where your relationship’s headed.”. You other articles say not to nudge or ask about the future, that he will step up to the plate if he wants to. These seem to be contradictory. When is it okay to ask where your relationship is headed?   

    1. 46.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      The real point is that you shouldn’t have to ask. In good relationships, both parties are invested and are equally interested in marriage. The only question is whether he wants to marry her or she wants to marry him. And if that’s the only question, what exactly is there to “discuss?” But, in general, a good partner participates in general relationship discussions instead of shutting down. Hope that makes sense. You SHOULDN’T ask him “So, where is this going?”; but if you do, he should give you an answer much like I did: “I don’t know where it’s going, but I’m doing my best to figure it out.”

    2. 46.2
      SparklingEmerald

      [email protected] – Let me share my experience (again )     With my second hubby, the courtship followed a male led pattern.   He asked me out, I said yes, he initiated sex, I said YES !   He asked me to be exclusive, I said yes, He proposed, I said yes.   So during our courtship, I never had to ask where our relationship was headed, he was always 2 steps ahead of me.   (He even built me a hope chest and fixed the brakes on my car before officially asking me to be exclusive, so I was already pretty much assuming exclusivity, because, who builds a hope chest for a girl, unless they are hoping for . . .)
      Fast forward 10 or 12 years into the marriage, (see post 44).   My husbands behavior toward me started getting very mean spirited.   It started off sporadic.   Hot, cold, hot cold, but eventually just cold,cold,cold.   At this point, forget mirroring, forget male led declarations of relationship status.   I would ask him what was wrong, and he stonewalled, lied or deflected. Sometimes he would apologize and be lovey-dovey for awhile, then back to giving me the cold shoulder.    I attributed a lot of his withdrawal from family and friends, his meanness and hyper critical mood   to his own job struggles, and the pre-mature deaths of both his parents, but when our son was almost 21, he finally told me that he stopped loving me when my mother got sick, and had been planning to divorce me all those years.   He just wanted our son to be grown before he took that step.   So now I knew the truth, he was angry being “stuck” with a woman he hated, but didn’t want to bother with shared parenting as a divorced couple, so he decided to tough it out.
      So once a relationship has been established a woman should be able take the temperature of a relationship and get an HONEST answer, not stonewalling and/or lies.     If you can’t have honest communication about the relationship once it’s been firmly established GET OUT !   (Chances are, he has emotionally exited the relationship any way)
      And I also think, if a man doesn’t take the lead to progress the relationship forward during the courtship phase, don’t get in to begin with.   (but if he proposes after 6 months, maybe slow it down a bit)
      Hope this helps with your question.

  7. 47
    Rick

    I’m a guy and stumbled upon this post today at just right time. Thanks, Evan. The gal I’ve been dating for four months told me today she wanted to break up because she doesn’t know how to support me emotionally during a time of financial hardship I’ve been experiencing lately. She told me that my fears over finances and scrambling to make ends met have caused her be fearful and worried during a time when she is working on personal recovery issues over alcohol abuse. She’s very empathetic and said my situation created stress for her. She said that it caused her stress and feared it would be a setback to her recovery. Yet, I’ve been there for her during her recovery and bad behavior when she was drinking. I have been angry today and sad that she turned away from me to save herself. But actually, this post made me think I need to be thankful. That she did me a favor. That what she said was honest and important for me to know. My ex-wife divorced me over our financial hard times. I don’t need another person who can’t be there when the going gets tough. And I can’t change a person who feels that way. It took integrity for my girlfriend to admit her fears and let me go, as hard as it was to hear.

  8. 48
    Jeremy

    Rick, I feel for you and I hope things turn around for you soon.   She may or may not have been honest with what she said, but ultimately it doesn’t matter. Whether she broke up with you because of the emotional strain that the financial hardships caused her, or whether it was the fact of the financial hardships themselves – or something else entirely –   the fact of the matter is that she was not right for you.   And at least it only cost you 4 months this time rather than years, a marriage, and alimony payments.

  9. 49
    GL

    These relationships are awful. They hurt your self-esteem. My last one was AWFUL. He hurt me badly with mean things he’s said when I needed someone there for me during a difficult emotional period, but of course when he was all upset with the world he expected me to mother him. It whipped me into this beggar-needy-girlfriend, I could no longer be ‘cool,’ and just enjoy myself. There was no enjoyment, it was grasping to a glimmer of hope that I’d get what I needed. I tried to communicate this with him too, in one ear, out the other, he said I was being ‘crazy.’ Dear lord, please don’t let me ever get emotionally attached to the wrong one, EVER AGAIN.

  10. 50
    Greg R

    i was in a long term relationship (11years). 4 years ago I was diagnosed with a physical problem to which there is no cure.   I will experience a gradual decline. Walking-to walker – to wheel chair-to bed ridden.   My significant other was very supportive and promised me that she will always take care of me.   I believed her because that is her heart Or so I thought.   She broke up with out of the blue. She told me that although she can’t be at my side all the time all I have to do is call her and she will come.   I was good to her.   I was trustworthy, loyal and loving.   I hung with her on her bad days.   I guess I put too much faith n her.   I am feeling abandoned to say the least.  

    1. 50.1
      Nikeda

      I am praying for you and your healing and peace of mind

    2. 50.2
      Curious

      Greg, i wonder if the reasons people finally leave are because they are simply not mentally and emotionally compatible. It seems that some couples make it lovingly through hardships   and illness until the death. Others scamper. I at least thought that if my husband was Ill I would be able to stick it out. But 12 years later, finding our about his sexual addiction, and dysfunction (on top of self esteem issues from him cheating I also get no intimate life with him) and wanting to move on after trying for years to adapt to his issues, had left me exhausted, and unloved. It’s like I can be with him every day, I love spending time together but I no longer want any efforts on his side to get me back intimately. But somehow I feel if my husband was actually I’ll, but able to show me he loves me every day, I would be able to stick with him forever. I think people who leave feel ultimately unloved. It’s not certainly your fault. But we have all different styles of needs. Someone’s everything is sometimes nothing to other. Love will prevail tho. It’s usually never one good relationship. We need to go through more…to learn to love.

  11. 51
    jenni

    Great read when I needed it the most.   Thank you for sharing.

  12. 52
    Cation

    I broke my leg recently while practicing a sports activity that my (then) boyfriend enjoyed. I got hurt had to be hospitalized and then go under a complicated surgery. My boyfriend began his withdrawal behaviour a very few days after the accident happened and progressively continued to pull away from me. Wirh curt responses to texts, short telephone conversations and barely not calling. He ended up not even visiting me at the hospital during the four days I was there.
    I did not see him anymore since the date of the accident. As soon as I began noticing his behaviour changes right after I got hurt, I gave him the benefit of the doubt for about a week.. Until I firmly decided that if he was not going to show his own value by himself, that was evidently not willing to be there for me, then he was definitely not worth my time.

    I had all my family and friends concerned about me during my recovery, and visits from everyone but him. As soon as Indecided to ignore him completely and break our bond, I have not picked up the phone to his calls or talked to him ever since.
    As evan mentioned in his post, a man who will not be there for you when times are tough, is actually doing you a favour by showing you his real colours/stripes beforehand. You are lucky to have known it in advance before you decide to commit to this person for life.

    Open your eyes because deep down we know what is happening and many times do try to ignore these feelings, forgiving the other out of love.

    Best of luck in finding someone who truly loves you when times get tough. Remember that if you don’t get to find that special someone, we really only need ourselves to live a fulfilling life.

  13. 53
    Grace

    What about a partner that is there when you need them, but won’t come to you for support when they need it?

  14. 54
    Izzy

    I’ve just read Evan’s article and it brought tears to my eyes. I recently lost my boyfriend – who I thought cared for me at least – and I’m still at a loss as to why. I miscarried our baby in November and 2014 was pretty tough for both of us, so I felt due to our experiences together over the last year, we could work on our challenges, become stronger and move forward. A week and a half ago, he asked for space as he seemed confused and had advised me that he was taking his ex-partner and her daughter out for dinner. After seeing him collect the rest of his belongings from my apartment last night, it was quite clear that he doesn’t care and it was though he’d come to visit an old mate. Skiing holidays and weekends away seem to be occupying his life right now. So yes, I totally, totally relate to this article. His coming and going into my life has been going on for four years (I know, I’m a dumbass) and I can’t tolerate it any longer. He’s def a fairweather boyfriend. He only wants me when things are exciting and I’m top of my game. The miscarriage has hit harder than I realised and I’m now undergoing counselling as I also am experiencing the aftermath of divorce. I’ve undertaken No Contact and blocked him on all methods of contacting me. I feel, at the moment, even my worst enemy would have been kinder.

  15. 55
    jess

    thanks for the read. I am going through this and its really hard.

  16. 56
    Lee

    I got some real problems but I see my supportive behaviour is honourable, she was feeling hemmed in , living with her parents but loving it they are very close but feeling a little too responsible for them at times , living through disagreements and upsets and being in the middle but generally happy , then I messed up the month before Christmas , hurt her and generally got on her bad side, those events combined pushed her over the edge, her friends offered her a way out , she took it and partied at Christmas and new years leaving me and parents alone… I was devastated and left breathless and loveless but never lost the love I had for her, I didn’t see the break coming, I tried to move on , I was going ok and had a few introductions and started chats with other girls , she disappeared for days, returning to her parents occasionally then gone again, then 3wks in she returned. I saw her and approached her later in that week briefly helping with an outside chore she had and politely left her out there no pretence or malice, she came knocking 20 minutes later, destroyed and crying, its obvious she regretted what had happened, all the pain she’d caused us and we decided to make up, try again.Her head was swimming the first week end with the guilt and adjustment to us re uniting, she thought it was way too late that ide moved on and couldn’t believe I still loved her after all the hurt she caused me, didn’t see her she needed space, I gave it, then the next weekend her dad has been ill, results pending and she had study deadlines to achieve, she needed space I gave it , 3rd weekend approaching and I am getting lonely and was considering asking some probing questions but dads results weren’t good and now yet more time is needed , more space she’ll need , really upset her emotionally again, she’ll want to be near her family I guess, its put my ego and needs in there place again and after reading the article above I realise if I want a future with her I have to show unconditional love, be %100 supportive and remain happy in myself and my life as best I can, I cant rely on her to make me happy especially when she’s emotionally invested in her family problems, its hard when I miss her but you cant force anything , she wont be rushed, I have to see it through to whatever conclusion arises once the dust settles, patience has its rewards I hope in the end, I don’t want to blow it or start getting selfish or needy but life is a real struggle sometimes when you are a genuine guy , not a player and you love someone that is distant and consumed by other matters, takes a big heart to deal with it and hold on , believing in the end results. the separation has also shown me that to rely on others for my happiness is fraught with potential pain and hurt, and that I must learn to love my life regardless first , also really not easy when I looked to her as my centre and purpose so much in the past, we were tight and she was my happiness, I’ve had so much abandonment and betrayal through my life from childhood and I guess that made me somewhat needy , adjustment to new ways of thinking are hard but growth is always worth striving for and ultimately what choice do I have, I hope in the end that Me and she grow to be the united loving force I’m hoping for and make the life together I am waiting for…

  17. 57
    Bob

    Evan,

    Great post. I have experienced this with a woman so this is not purely a male issue!

    I would also change your comment about the partner who would “put up with your suffering” being a positive thing. You want someone who will SUPPORT YOU through your suffering not simply someone who would “put up” with it. That’s not being supportive.  

  18. 58
    Barbara

    Been married 38 Years. Before getting married, saw what my future husband was like in hard times. He was amazing. Over this many years, everyone will experience hard times. Parents get sick and die, children don’t always turn out well, economy up & down, we face our own health issues. If someone flakes out at life’s challenges, it will only get worse as time moves on.g  

  19. 59
    TheeBeesKnees

    I’m a bit dissatisfied with the level of support that I have more recently received from my BF and as a result, I am considering breaking things off or at least taking a months long break. We are both struggling financially and in our respective careers, neither of us has our own place, both of us have bad credit and are dealing with stresses that come with these things. On top of that, I have a car and he does not so its usually me driving to pick him up for work or to hang out. Recently, my car broke down in the middle of the street during rush hour traffic and my BF was unable to assist in anyway. I ended up getting help from a male stranger who used his triple A to get me a free tow, drove me to the dealer mechanic, took me to dinner and then dropped me at home. My BF did not call to check on me after I texted him and let him know that a stranger was assisting. I texted my BF at 7:30 and he didn’t contact me again until 10:11 pm…..quite enough time for a serial killer to dispose of my body. While I did make it home safe & sound, I felt disappointed by my BFs lack of follow up and concern. Furthermore, I asked him what he thinks that I should do regarding the pending car repairs and instead of offering to contribute, he simply suggests that I ask my mom for the money, who happens to be a single 60 y/o with no car and her own stresses. You would think that a guy that always benefits from my car would CARE about it being fixed and would volunteer to at least contribute minimally, even $50 would help. Furthermore, because of other compounded stresses, I am not as fun or easy going as I was when he and I initially met. I have been living in an active office space, am in school, working for family and trying to launch my own business. I have to wake up at 7 am every morning because the office opens at 9am for business, theres no shower here so I depend on my car to take me to the gym to bathe & change clothes. There are things that can occur on a day to day that cause stress or frustration. However, my BF is not very emotionally supportive. He has said that I speak like a “victim” or like “the world is crashing down on me” and as anyone dealing with stress may know, it can indeed “feel” that way at times but I did not expect my BF to approach the situation in that way. I expected my BF to want to be there for me with empathetic care. Instead, all I get is “I don’t know what to tell you” or cold and detached linear solutions. While solutions may be mature & logical- (he says that I should find healthier ways to explore my anger, he thinks I should learn to relax and discover my passions that drive me forward past the frustration etc.)- they don’t make me FEEL better. and I don’t get the impression that he is worried about me or that he is emotionally invested in things that bother or affect me. I am very intelligent with an above average IQ so completing tasks is not an issue. Its just the related stresses/frustrations that bother me. I must also mention that I am an INFJ/HSP/Gifted Adult (INFJ personality type and Highly Sensitive Person) while my BF is an INTJ, non-gifted and non sensitive. This of course affects the way that we communicate and how what we say to each other is interpreted. My BF is very autonomous, emotionally independent, stoic and systems/logic oriented and I am almost the opposite. Still, because I love him, I try to compromise and meet him in the middle based on his temperament but I don’t feel that I am extended the same courtesy. I am the one that first explored our personality types, just to try to better understand our connection. I have read about his “type” but he has not explored anything about adult giftedness, HSP or INFJ on his own. Even after I suggested articles and sent them. Furthermore, I have told him that I want to marry him and he has not said it back, due to concerns about his career, which is the only thing that he is passionate about right now.Add to this, a lack of romantic dates, gifts or alone time due to current events and you will see that I am quite frustrated. I can’t even just enjoy my BF in a way that others can afford both emotionally & financially.I also have no emotional support from family or friends-I was living with my mom before being in an office and it was a disaster that ultimately changed the status of our connection as mother & daughter. So, I feel very alone these days. I don’t feel that I can talk to anyone. I feel like I need to go off alone by myself and just reflect and try to feel better. I question whether this relationship can stand the test of time…as Evan mentions, I need someone that loves me enough and is committed enough to at least try to meet my needs in both good & bad times…

    1. 59.1
      Curious

      Talk to me! You are not alone. He simply does not seem sufficiently invested. Also some people are behaving selfishly when in fact they feel lack of self confidence. I become very detached in those times because I didn’t want to be a burden so I didn’t talk about my issues and looked aloof.

  20. 60
    Sam

    My partner just ended our relationship this morning. I am currently in the process of having my first miscarriage of my first pregnancy. I am 38 years of age. I have been very sad due to this loss. Each day since Wednesday I have cried many a tear and have leaned on my partner. It has only been 3 days since the sad news came. He told me this morning that he was sick of all the sh** of this pregnancy and how emotional I am after losing it. I need time, it is still so fresh. He told me he hates seeing my sad face and I need to get over it and that he was done supporting me through this and he wants this relationship over. Finished by telling me only to call him if I was dying. Great human being, huh? Never in my wildest dreams did I think he could be capable of such cruel treatment. He is definitely a hot head at times but if someone had told me this was going to happen I would have told them they’re nuts. It is amazing how much I loved this man. That with all of his good and bad qualities I never swayed. Unconditional love is so rare to find these days….heartbroken that I lost a baby and now heartbroken that my partner basically abandoned me. You live and learn. These moments in our lives where we are forced to power through, to keep our heads up and soldier on…got to believe it is to make us stronger, wiser. I will fight through the tears and force myself to believe, in my current state, that there is someone and something better for me out there…hugs xoxo

    1. 60.1
      Lin

      Sam my best friend find herself in the same situation a few years ago after miscarrage. Her boyfriend was happy she lost the baby. She changed hobby’s and job and left him and found herself the love of her life soon after while doing so. You did not loose much, he opened a new door for you. Be stronge !

    2. 60.2
      Vivian

      Oh Sam… I am so sorry to read what you have been through… his comment about hating seeing your sad face after the pain you went through made me cry because of how unbelievably cruel and heartless it is. How can a man do this to his love in a time of grief. I believe he is a sociopath who didn’t deserve any of your love and affection and who enjoys causing pain and suffering to someone who is a kind hearted and sensitive soul like yourself. Please take care and be glad to be rid of this man

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