You Want Someone Who Sticks By You Through Tough Times

husband gives flowers to his wife at the hospital
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My client Christie just told me a horrible story about her fiancé pulling away from her.

My client May recently informed me that her on-again/off-again boyfriend was off-again.

My client Selma has been so hurt by her last guy that she’s keeping all her relationships casual.

If you empathize with them, and you find that your love life, too, is a perpetual challenge, it doesn’t have to be that way. Really. It doesn’t.

By learning about men and what it’s fair to expect from them, you can let go of your frustration and confusion instantly.

It’s easy to be in a relationship when everything is perfect.

It’s easy to be in a relationship when everything is perfect.

You discover something new about your partner every day.

You send flirty texts when you’re out of town.

You can’t stop thinking about him – or the great sex you’re having.

You leave your weekends open, knowing that he’ll fill them with his presence.

This is new love, and truly, there’s nothing better.

But let’s say you’re riding high, when suddenly you get laid off? Or your mom gets sick and has to go to the hospital?

Any normal woman is going to have a rough time with either scenario. Feelings of sadness, powerlessness, and impotence. Depression, frustration, and low-self esteem.

At such times, you can’t be expected to be a ton of fun to be around, nor to have very much to give to a partner.

Which means that a man has be really invested in you to weather the bad stretches.

A fair-weather boyfriend – Mr. Right Now – doesn’t want to bother with driving you to the hospital or helping you with your resume.

A man who doesn’t support you when you’re at your weakest is not a man to keep.

He just wants you to be fun, spontaneous, and easygoing – none of which describe your emotions when you’re dealing with illness or unemployment.

As awful as it is to recover from such setbacks, it’s even worse when the person you’re dating pulls away or isn’t supportive of you.

In a way, it almost feels worse than the event itself.

Suddenly, you’re not just obsessing about how hard it is to hold it together emotionally, but you’re being torn apart by your growing distance from your “partner”.

This is no way to live life.

And I know because I have had MANY clients go through this.

One woman had to put life on hold to help her son through drug rehab.

Another struggled for months with the illness and death of her beloved mother.

Another has been out of work for nearly a year and can’t find a position like her old job.

Each and every one suffered through boyfriends (in one instance a fiancé!) who weren’t fully supportive of them through their darkest days.

And what did each of these amazing women want to do?

THEY WANTED TO HOLD ON TO THE UNSUPPORTIVE BOYFRIEND!

Sorry. Wrong answer.

THIS is how he acts when he’s asked to be selfless.

THIS is how he acts when he doesn’t get his way.

THIS is how he acts when the chips are down.

So why would you want to commit to a man who doesn’t have the decency to put your needs first when you need him the most?

Because you love him?

Because he’s cute and smart and funny and successful?

WHO CARES?

You just got a glimpse of the rest of your life.

A man who doesn’t support you when you’re at your weakest is not a man to keep.

As tough as it is to let him go, he’s done you a favor. He’s shown you his stripes. And he’s shown them to you early enough that you can move along.

I had a girlfriend who dumped me after I struggled in business in 2004. I’m not going to defend myself and say that I was a ball of laughs. I was pretty anxious and challenging to be around. But she gave up on me when I needed her most. That said everything to me.

Imagine you’re married and this happens.

He pulls away when you get depressed at your work situation.

He refuses to communicate when you want to know where your relationship’s headed.

He leaves you when you get breast cancer.

By ignoring your guy’s pitiful reaction to life’s challenges, you’re signing on for deep heartbreak in the future.

Don’t do it.

Your type should start with the man who treats you the best… everything else comes in second.

How a partner responds to crisis and communicates through challenges says everything about the future you will have together. Does he crumble? Withdraw? Bail out?

If so, consider yourself lucky. You just dodged a major bullet.

Now I’d like you to think about the partner who sticks with you through your trauma.

What does it say about the partner who puts up with your suffering?

What does it say about the partner who cheers you up when you’re down?

What does it say about the partner who believes in “for better or for worse”?

It says that he is selfless.

It says that he loves you unconditionally.

It says that he is willing to put your needs first.

What relevance does all this heavy stuff have to do with you?

Well, you know that it would be wonderful to find true love. But it seems so far away, so impossible.

It’s not impossible.

It happens every day.

In the past few years, it happened to my sister, my four best friends, and me. Not to mention HUNDREDS of my clients and readers.

And if there’s a common thread between those relationships, it’s that all of us let go of how it was “supposed” to look and found the partner who accepted us at our worst.

What we found were spouses who share the same values, the same humor, and had the same dedication to building a life together that we did.

If you’ve ever had a partner who didn’t want you at your BEST…who wouldn’t commit to you even when you were 100% happy …think about what it would be like to have a partner who would run from you when you’re struggling.

Only by putting kindness and consistency above all other qualities – looks, money, height, weight, age – only then can you find a love this deep and true.

It’s easy to wonder where these kind people are, but I’m telling you, they’re everywhere.

You just might not consider them your “type”.

Your type should start with the man who treats you the best… everything else comes in second.

While it takes little work to find Mr. Right, with me by your side, it’s a much quicker (and more exciting!) ride.

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Comments:

  1. 101
    Mia

    well I dont know what to say.   I am having a surgery, yes to check for cancer, or hopefully just to prevent it… and s.o. left for a week never came back.   his feelings were ruffled supposedly over some minor issue. hes been gone three months during my serious health matters. recently said, really wish I could be there, but then said I was “self absorbed” that I did not let him check his calendar to see if he could be here.   he works entirely for himself and has no schedule.   then he sent me pictures of a puppy he is getting.   no discussion there except few times hed like one someday. so not for three years but now when he is away, I’m sick, and we are not doing together.

    I could go on. I’m crushed.

    m

  2. 102
    Shane

    My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer 4.5 months ago.  From the stress, I ended up with very painful mandibular exostosis.   My dad died last week.  During the memorial service, which my boyfriend did not attend because he was on a business trip, he sent me pictures of him partying (yes! While I was at my dads memorial service).

    Today,  3 days later, when I question him for not being emotionally supportive,  he tells me we haven’t been compatible for the last  4 months and he doesn’t know what he wants anymore.

    This article was a huge help! I am better off without him!!   Thanks for giving me strength!

  3. 103
    twoboots

    What happens if the roles are reversed. If you start dating someone (a man) who two weeks into dating breaks his ankle? You want to show him that you’ll  be there for him and you do and then he withdraws to deal with the issue himself.

  4. 104
    BDove87

    This post hits home, not because I was the one abandoned but I walked away from someone when they were going through a low.point emotionally. He would be very distant and unhappy, causing him to respond in frustration, sometimes anger, but he would be there for me when I needed him. He expressed how unhappy he was at life in general, and I tried to be there but I started to feel weighted down because I wasn’t getting what i felt i needed in return. It’s tough to really explain. But all in all, our last time together he was in a very bad mood and raised his voice at me for something that he assumed. Instead of me asking what was the matter or trying to be there for him, I left. Walked out the door and drove home. He was upset of course, and told me that I never wanted to deal with all of him, which I did – I just don’t respond well when I feel like someone is angry or not wanting me around. Nevertheless, I feel guilty. I don’t think he would ever move past me walking out, but I truly love him, I just didn’t know how to communicate and be what he needed. I want to reach out but not sure at this point if it would even change how I made him feel.

  5. 105
    Vivian

    This resonates with me so strongly right now. I hope everyone in a relationship reads this post from Evan.
    My boyfriend of more than a year was stressed with work deadlines for weeks and I was there for him even though he was no ray of sunshine. He expected his sexual urges to be met every time while not doing the same for me. I cooked meals for us, baked desserts, gave him massages. Then, my parents got coronavirus. I was scared and needed his support, just a short phone call while I was quarantining myself and worrying about my elderly parents. He refused. I was upset and expressed it. He did not seem concerned, just mad at me for being needy while he was busy and giving him a “hard time.” As my parents condition worsened, I tried to reach out to him and be supportive to him anyways, but he dumped me and claimed I always create some crisis or drama when he has important deadlines to meet. Of course I told him off for dumping me when I needed him the most and accusing me of creating drama just to stress him out. A few days of no contact later, my father was hospitalized with breathing difficulty and tested positive for COVID-19. His situation remains critical and the outlook is uncertain. My mother remains at home but very sick. I asked friends to pray for him on social media. Suddenly my ex reaches out asking me to let him know if my mom or I need anything. I said we are fine and that since he doesn’t love me anymore and wants me out of his life please do not contact me again. I was already devastated enough worrying about my parents survival. The next day he tells me he loves me and if I need anything he’s here. So I told him I needed him to show concern for my father’s wellbeing and ask about his condition, to be strong and be there for me in this painful time since he had already abandoned me when I needed him the most. Two days later, no response.
    Some people have no conscience and no ability to love anyone but themselves. They never loved you even if they said they did. All they love are the things you did for them, the good times you enjoyed, the way you made them appear to others, the benefits of having you in their life. If you can’t provide those things because of your own crisis, their love disappears. They blame you and come up with some excuse to abandon you when you are struggling with something so terrifying and maybe a bit demanding or needy. Anytime there’s conflict, a man like this bails or needs space, expecting you to beg him to come back, having no remorse for his own weak and insensitive behavior. Such men cannot change unless they see the need to change in themselves and do the difficult work. This work must be done alone, or with a therapist- not with you. I was a trophy girlfriend and am horrified that I failed to see it sooner. I feel used and heartbroken knowing my man only loved me when I fit the l image of how he wanted me to behave. Make sure your man is emotionally strong and mature and doesn’t buckle any time you’re upset (that includes if you’re upset at him, too). If he does, leave him before a situation arises when you really need him to be there. It will be too devastating for words when he leaves you in such a situation. The cumulative terror and heartbreak is more than anyone should have to bear. My heart was broken but now I realize God works in mysterious ways and I’m glad I got to see reality before committing more deeply with this man. I don’t want anyone to have to experience the pain I am experiencing now, so please do not lose yourself in efforts to appease a weak man who cannot be relied upon. It doesn’t matter if you love him or if he’s fun or if you saw a future with him. Your future with such a man will be miserable unless you are willing to neglect yourself completely for his benefit and lose all of your self worth. God bless, be safe, and take every precaution to avoid catching the coronavirus. It is not like the flu, it is a nightmare

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