How Do I Start a Conversation with a Straight Single Man?

Man and woman talking by the pond

I’m a 42 year old woman, newly single. I’m just re-entering the dating fray for the first time in many years, and I discovered very quickly that I have no idea how to identify men my age who are single and looking. They sure seem to be scarce, compared to when I was in my twenties! I’ve chatted up guys who turned out to be gay or attached – they were just extremely friendly/chatty, which I occasionally mistake for an interest in me. And I’m too shy to laugh off any misunderstanding with a comment like, “Well, if you have any single brothers or friends, here’s my card!”

I’m dating online, but I’d also like to meet people in other ways.   Yes, there are the singles events, the frozen food aisle during off-peak hours, etc. But for other situations I may find myself in – elevators, gyms, coffee shops – do you have any suggestions on how I could strike up a breezy, innocuous conversation and still be able to “out” single men?   The “Wow, nice jacket – did your partner pick that out for you?” line doesn’t seem too subtle.

Thanks very much for any insights.

Enjoy your blog, loved your book.


Love your attitude, Linda. It’s tough out there, all right, and the healthiest approach is to do exactly what you’re doing. A combination of online dating, singles events, and real-life interactions, all of which create the greatest number of opportunities to meet single men.

That said, it’s not your job to “out” single men.

Because single men have been socialized well enough to know that it’s their job to initiate conversation with you. And if they don’t, they’re going to go home alone AGAIN. I’m not suggesting that this is a biological imperative or that nothing good has ever come from women asking men out. Still, as a dating coach, I’m a big believer that your primary job is to create the opportunity, not to seal the deal.

Your primary job is to create the opportunity, not to seal the deal.

To sum up, it’s not your position to ask him out. All you have to do is make eye contact and smile. This gives him   permission to come over without being afraid of being shot down. Because that’s every guy’s concern, especially nice guys. We HATE feeling like fools. We HATE rejection. And we’d just as soon not even approach you, since it’s easier to go home and say, “Man, I wish I said hi” than it is to put our fragile egos on the line. The only way to get an insecure guy to come over is to let him know it’s going to be okay if he does.

Rachel Greenwald discusses her proactive approach for women in her book, and my friend David Wygant’s book “Always Talk to Strangers” is also illuminating, although it’s more written for men. But it sounds like you really have two questions, Linda — you want to “out” single men and you want to find pithy pick up lines as well….

And not that I’m any sort of pickup artist, but the best pick up lines are entirely contextual — meaning, they arise in the moment. If you’re plotting your line in advance, it’s likely to come across as canned. Once again, David Wygant gives excellent advice about meeting people organically. Just know that when you’re striking up conversation with a stranger, the stakes are low. Desexualize the situation and just start talking about what’s in front of you and voila — you’re in.

“I always get lost in supermarkets — you wouldn’t happen to have a map to the organic tomatoes, would you?”

“Jack and Coke, huh? Maybe I can teach you to drink it straight.”

Whatever. All of this is the equivalent of the famous party opener, “How do you know the host?” It’s safe, it’s non-threatening, and suddenly, you’re just talking. You’ll learn later whether you have mutual interest.

If he doesn’t show interest or offer to take your number, you’ve got your answer.

So stop being so hard on yourself. Apart from looking for a wedding band, the ONLY way you can out a single guy is to let him out himself. If he doesn’t show interest or offer to take your number, you’ve got your answer. Don’t worry about “wasting” time chatting with gay men or taken men — it’s all good practice, and the more comfortable you get bantering with strangers, the more it’ll pay off when they’re actually single and straight.

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  1. 21

    C’mon now! You 40-something single guys still haven’t shared WHERE we might run into you. If you’re not in bars, clubs and we’re missing you at the grocery store, then where should we go? LOL!

    I live in S. FL and don’t plan to be in D.C., but thanks for the invite anyway! You should like someone fun to hangout with.

  2. 22


    I liked reading your comments.

    No doubt, the pool of single people drops off sharply once people are over 40.

    There are two problems for people who are looking for a serious relationship in their 40s (and older). The first one I just mentioned- many people are married off.

    The second problem is once people are in their 40s, they have a load of baggage. To people in their 20s, life is still fresh, and a lot of people do not have a lot of baggage yet.

    So for people like Linda who are looking for love, it’s really tough. First you have a much smaller pool. Second, available people are more than likely divorced, and with that comes ‘stuff’ many times.

    Selena – there’s no shortage of attractive people in SoFlo. Men in their 40s have to go to the grocery store, the Home Depot, the restaurants, the convenience store, the strip clubs (just kidding). They’re out there.

    The problem is that because they are in their 40s, you probably assume they are taken (which in many cases they are).

    YOu might try joining some clubs, joining a fitness club, casual sports league, church group, etc.

    And be on the lookout for fate trying to help you. When your girlfriend asks you to go line dancing and you want to say ‘no,’ because it’s not your bag, consider that there might be a guy there who will be your next husband.

    Good luck.

  3. 23

    I’m not really looking for a husband BigFella, but hey, thanks for the suggestions. Home Depot…hmm. Possibilities.

  4. 24

    Selena – better watch yourself.

    Many a woman who was looking for Mr. Goodbar wound up finding a husband.

  5. 25

    Ok, I know I will probably be sorry I did this, but I am going to have to comment on some of BigFellas comments –

    I try really hard not to take anything I read personally – other than reading to see how it might apply to me or what I could learn.

    I don’t believe this blog is set up as a means or a way for other people to personally attack or judge others. Ideally it isn’t, in any case. And I admire and respect people, and their opinions, less when they do so. Though I do understand why someone would take the bate and respond if they felt someone else had jumped all over them specifically – and/or if someone actually did.

    I also know full well that Evan can take care of himself and doesn’t need me or anyone else to come to his verbal rescue, or even, defense.

    Partly because I don’t feel he has anything to “defend”. His blog, his free advice that he could easily be charging us a helluva lot of money to dispense – (provided we could afford it – many of you surely can, I unfortunately : ) cannot), and his take on any given situation based on his personal experience, interactions with his clients, research, time working with dating sites and other things as well.

    BigFella’s assertion that, “Evan – sounds like more than a little sour grapes to me” is what is bullcrap, in my humble opinion.

    If you don’t care for the advice Evan gives or his opinion, then you have every right to say so, but is sounds like you are passing judgment on Evan as a person and as a man – one whom you have never even met. And that isn’t what this blog is here for. None of us should be judging other people or even really, their actions or what have you in their personal lives. The key here is the judging part.

    Judging how you feel about what someone has or hasn’t said, seeing if you agree or disagree and having a friendly debate – to maybe learn something or decide that what you believe, feel, know still holds true FOR YOU after reading, participating or whatever – that is what it is here for.

    As to your comment, “Sorry you and other guys have to do all the dirty work.” That comes off as very egotistical and catty to me at the same time and frankly, it is also offensive – to me. If you think approaching women or having to make an effort is “the dirty work”, then I hope I never have the misfortune of approaching you some day.

    Yeah, I know that is harsh and to be fair, I don’t know you either. I don’t get the impression that I’d want to from what you have posted. I’ll take your word for it that you are a good looking guy, in pretty good shape and that “Even at 40 I had young 20 somethings coming on to me. That was my universe. Hope you’re happy in yours.” The second part of this is just snarky and “na na na na na na” as far as I’ve concerned.

    If you are truly so happy in your universe, then why read a blog about improvement?

    You live in your universe and the rest of us live in ours. What is true for or to US, is true for or to us, whether it reflects what is true for or to you or not. It is bullcrap, in your opinion.

    You made some points that I agree with and said some things that were encouraging to women (again, in my opinion) – such as stating that you were grateful to women who had taken the bull by the horns with you, and saying if you like someone and you want to get to know them, then do so. You then went on to make some comments in several posts that seemed to very much contradict what you said previously. We all do that from time to time and I am not calling you on that.

    I do think to tell someone you are not attacking them and then to finish your sentence with “I’m sure you wouldn’t agree with what I’d have to say about your comments, so if you don’t know by now” comes across as very condescending.

    As does telling someone they should “Try reading some good social pshychology by someone who has studied the dating and mating world. You are seriously misguided as to what really goes on out there socially.”

    I have never picked on someone for misspelling something – though I have apologized on here for my own typos – nor do I take it upon myself to publicly correct misspelled words or bad grammar – so I am breaking a hard fast rule of mine. Before you start telling other people how to live their lives and telling them in affect that they are clueless or stupid after reading two or three comments on a message board – [which is pretty close to “social psychology on mating and dating from someone who knows (read Evan’s bio)” (no, he isn’t a psychologist, but that doesn’t discredit him in this regard as far as I am concerned)], and telling them to do something that you don’t have a rat’s ass clue about whether they have already done or not, you might try to spell “psychology” correctly.

    I am not dissing shy guys by any means and I am not saying the guy should always have to approach. I have made moves before – including asking guys out whom I have then dated for a long stretch of time. One of whom I am still friends with 14 years after the fact. I have also made first moves with a less than good outcome to a disastrous outcome – at least in terms of it coming to anything good.

    “You see, many women do not hold your views. You can’t tell me otherwise.” – I don’t get the impression that anyone can tell you anything – but you sure do feel like you can tell them that they are wrong (which you did in specific words), that they have a high school mentality because they don’t agree with you, that they are immature – which is vastly different from saying you believe their views, actions or whatever to be immature (which is still rude, but you are entitled to your own opinions and we do all put ourselves out there by commenting on a public message board), and telling us what we think by saying things like, “You think that just because you and other stone age women will not approach men, then it’s a myth.”

    Selena said it hadn’t been especially true for her in her experience. And she asked a good natured question, looking for some honest feedback on where to find men who might be of a certain age and who might also be wanting a relationship and who would be amenable to being approached by a woman.

    At no point did she profess to be speaking for every woman on the planet or even every woman on the board, and neither has Evan either (as far as saying or implying he speaks for all men, all of us, or whatever). If you want to generalize and lump everyone whose experiences and opinions differ from yours into a big group and view us poorly or say we believe in myths, fine. But please do not take it upon yourself to do so and then expect us to just go along. Because if we did so, that would make us the sheep you seem to already see us as.

    “And by the way, dear. There are literally thousands of hot women out there who will agressively ‘purse’ men they want.” –

    Um, lets count how many times you used the phrases “attractive woman” and “hot women” or woman (or something similar). You are ok with it if it is some really sexy chick who hits on you. You used an awful lot of qualifiers – which is cool. You do what works for you and respond to whomever you wish by whatever qualifications WORK FOR YOU. But you partially proved your myth theory by making it so clear who you would be open to hearing from. Not just any Jane off the street.

    And so do women who “purse” the men they want hit them over the head with their pocket books? ; ) (please take that tongue in cheek way it was meant)

    I acknowledge others have made some personal comments to you as well. And I guess I just did too. Felt they needed to be said so that people whom yours were directed at wouldn’t be tempted to say something unkind or whatever in response. OR in their own defense, of which they shouldn’t need to vociferously defend themselves for voicing their opinion.

  6. 26

    It is hard for many of us to meet people who fit our specific needs and they ours, no matter where we live. But I do think some cities and places more readily lend themselves to doing so and do have more approachable people in public places (men and women).

    And I do believe age can be a factor in this. It has been my experience as well that it is harder to come by guys who are anywhere from about 35-45 or a little above that are available. I too have found most I do meet are either married, married with kids, or very attached. OR separated (I am fine with divorced but do not date someone who is still married in my opinion – broke my rule once and paid for it dearly when he basically said he couldn’t stand what he was doing to his future ex-wife by dating me after he said she told him to date). I live in Atlanta and have not come across too many men who turned out to be gay, but I also do most of my “meeting and greeting” of men through online dating. I do have friends who are gay.

    The few times I have talked to guys in public (that I spoke to first), it doesn’t go anywhere beyond that moment. I always wanted to be one of those women that men approached in an unusual place or just out of the blue. Atlanta is supposedly a big “pick someone up in the grocery store town (one in Buckhead actually has Singles mixers in the store for that purpose – but it is said it happens here normally too).

    So it finally happened – one time a guy seriously hit on me at the grocery store – followed me from aisle to aisle and wasn’t taking no for an answer. I stayed there an extra hour and kept looking for him to make sure he wasn’t going to follow me home. NOT VAIN! And not thinking I’m all that. Just cognizant that he could have still been in the parking lot. I did run into him late one night at a 24 hour Walgreens, and he again followed me to my car and said I had promised to go out with him. Scared the crap out of me.

    Some people mentioned it is ok to be a female and make the approach, as long as you don’t appear desperate. I would agree with that, but think it can be very hard to know what will possibly come off as desperate to any given guy in any given situation (beyond the really obvious markers of such ; ) ). I do think women are a bit more prone to take it personally if they get shot down or think something is wrong with them if the guy isn’t interested.

    Not meaning to speak for the rest of you out there – just something I have observed with many of my female friends – both in personal face to face situations and also, when they have made the first move or if they have Winked or emailed a guy online first thru a dating site. I know it is true for me.

    I give due credit to any man or woman out there who “goes for it” as long as it is done respectfully and doesn’t make the other person feel markedly uncomfortable or scared : ) in a bad way. You can also feel uncomfortable because you are really interested but not sure of yourself, him, or the situation or it is new to you or whatever.

    I think I too have looked for signs to try to see if someone is single, free, and all that – and I found Evan’s advice to make very good sense.

    You can always look for a wedding ring = but a lot of men don’t wear them anymore. Not necessarily to cheat (though some men and women do that too), but because maybe they don’t own one or didn’t chose to exchange them. Less likely to seriously chat up a married guy that way.

    I agree with you all that Linda is doing the right thing by trying different places, online dating, etc. and putting herself out there. She is being proactive, rather than passive and/or reactive – and no matter how you are proactive – whether it is putting yourself out there and putting your best foot forward (as Lance suggested) or doing the approaching and asking, you are still making a real effort instead of just waiting for it to happen. I didn’t get the impression that Evan was going so far as to say that you should just wait or be totally passive.

    Being available and making that known through your actions still counts as doing something on your behalf to me.

    An Aside:
    As to Steve : )
    – While the offer wasn’t made to me, and maybe wouldn’t be anyway after my post about BigFella – for the record, I’m sorry I don’t live in FL – (am in Atlanta, GA and am about to turn 37) because you do sound like fun (as one of the ladies said) and you also sound like a very stand up guy with a great attitude and a lot to offer. I get a lot of perspective from reading your posts and usually also agree with you. Even when I don’t, I still appreciate the way you word things and where you seem to be coming from.

    And to Lance : ) – You too seem like a guy who really knows how to express himself and can make your point(s) without feeling the need to put other people or there opinions, feelings, values down.

    Both of you seem like guys who would be a good catch. I hope some lucky lady finds you soon if she hasn’t already.

    Not implying or saying that other men on here aren’t worthy or aren’t good/great guys.

    Just wanted to send Kudos to the two aforementioned and also, say thank you.

  7. 27

    Oh, and I have to agree with Lance when it comes to dancing … I am a girl and I still sometimes accidentally try to lead, maybe because I have trouble just trusting myself and letting go and letting someone else guide me, maybe because I am not coordinated and so afraid to stumble – figuratively as well as literally, and feel I won’t mess up as much if I am directing where I am going.

    Really hate it that I do that sometimes with dancing. It really isn’t the same at all. I’m not a great dancer, but when a guy is skillful at leading, it can be a wonderful experience – either just for what it is if you are friends but not more, or if you are only partners for the dance, or it can make you so much closer to someone you are in a relationship with. I think it can also help you learn to be more in concert with one another overall.

    And it sure is a lot of fun. As well as being a real pleasure to be in a strong (read: firm) hold and embrace and being able to just go with the flow.

    No matter what the gender and/or traditional roles are, I guess it boils down to what does or doesn’t feel right to each individual vs. how it feels to the other person (if not on exactly same wavelength, then at least compatible) and also, is whatever feels right to you actually also working for you to get the results, partner, life you want.

    Not many men or women out there who are into dancing anymore. Seems they too are harder to find : )

  8. 28

    To BigFella again,

    J said it perfectly, so there’s almost nothing left for me to add, but since you responded to me personally I will just say this: it’s you who come across as having a teenage mentality, you even insist on using LOL – good for you, BigFella, just go on like this. Also you come across as a very insecure guy. What I was saying was that you are just rude and not very bright when it comes to interacting with women. I don’t know how women can find passive men like you attractive or interesting. I don’t and that’s what I was stating. I wanted to express my opinion and the only reason I waned to do so was because of your remarks like “bull crap”, “sour grapes” etc. You are just wrong, mister BigFella – admit it, oh no, you NEVER will, men like you have such strong inflated egos that the only role they choose to play in this Universe is the passive and boring one and so they choose to remain single because what can they ever give or want to give to another human being? They are so incredibly selfish. And then there are those fantastic, generous, courageous men, maybe a bit shy, but they will at least make an effort to approach the woman who takes their breath away…and sometimes they end up having it all.
    English is not my native language – you can probably guess THAT by my post.

  9. 29

    My God, J – you’ve got issues.

    Catch your breath.

    Sorry to disappoint you, but I couldn’t get beyond the first couple sentences of your first post.

    You wasted your life with the other stuff. Why you would waste so much time attacking a stranger on the I-net is beyond me.

    But, it’s dysfunctional to say the least.

    Have a good day.

  10. 30

    Okay, my point would have been better made had I not spelled bait “bate”. I swear I do edit. I just have a terrible propensity for transposing homophones occasionally and not catching ’til after submitting. Though “bate” isn’t even a word unless is short for rebate or the singular form of “Norman Bates”. Sigh…

  11. 31

    *Make that, I’m sorry I don’t live in D.C.

  12. 32

    Hey, thanks J! Your comment added value as well, could have been a main post. FYI, I’m a gemini, I like long walks on the beach, surfing, and women who know how to flirt.

  13. 33

    Selena, J;

    Thanks for the nice compliments 🙂

  14. 34

    Some people mentioned it is ok to be a female and make the approach, as long as you don’t appear desperate. I would agree with that, but think it can be very hard to know what will possibly come off as desperate to any given guy in any given situation (beyond the really obvious markers of such ; ) ). I do think women are a bit more prone to take it personally if they get shot down or think something is wrong with them if the guy isn’t interested.

    Not true, we bleed red just like you do :).

    Think of it as pregnancy suit for women. You know, those fake heavy stomachs they have for men to wear to see what being pregnant is like so they can learn some empathy.

    I think once in every single woman’s life she should find the most intimidating social situation she can think of and approach the most handsome guy there. You know, the kind whose pants fit. Repeat 3 times. You will learn more about men and the male experience than you will by reading a metric ton of advice books, even the ones approved by Oprah. You will also have a great story to share and bond over with your male friends.

    J…, on a serious, note, many men find approaching women a bit tough. Don’t get me wrong, it is fun, but it is an acquired taste like cigarettes. Every guy at some point in his life has to learn to overcome the fear you have.

    Only practice makes approaching attractive people will make that fear go away. However, there are two things, that if you repeat them to yourself often will help take a bit of the sting out:

    1. The truth.

    You have nothing to lose. If you get turned down the next day your friends will still be your friends. Small children will still smile at you. Cats and dogs will still nuzzle you. The things you enjoy in life will still enjoyable. You have nothing to lose and you can’t get hurt unless you chose to be hurt.

    2. Anytime you have a doubtful thought tell yourself
    “I’m really excited for him to find out what a great gal I am, it would be such a shame for him if he misses out”

  15. 35

    Believe it or not, I’m not going to directly jump into the fray that seems to be occurring. I’m going to try and answer Linda’s (OP) letter. First some general observations, then more specifics.

    I’m going to speak my thoughts about men 35+ who are single, not married men or gay men. I’m neither and cannot identify as such. Linda wrote, ” m dating online, but I’d also like to meet people in other ways. Yes, there are the singles events, the frozen food aisle during off-peak hours, etc. But for other situations I may find myself in – elevators, gyms, coffee shops – do you have any suggestions on how I could strike up a breezy, innocuous conversation and still be able to “out” single men? The “Wow, nice jacket – did your partner pick that out for you?” line doesn’t seem too subtle.”

    It appears Linda wants (1) more places she can meet potential suitors, and (2) how to strike up conversations that will ‘flush’ available men (ie. – not gay/married).

    In an effort to answer (1), that question seems fairly obvious, but not easy to implement always. For example, do you like pets? Do you have one? Try dog park or there are some groups for similarly situated people. Try I haven’t but know it is out there. If you live in a place with a higher % of gay men than most other areas (SF Castro anyone?), try adjacent places. Try sports bars (spare me the stereotype lecture, all). In short, to use a fishing analogy, if you want to fish for trout, go to a trout stream (or hatchery to REALLY increase odds), not a pond where bass are known to be caught.

    To answer (2) is more difficult. I cannot offer perspective other my own. Being nearly late 30’s now, I still look like I’m 12, and have no trouble meeting and talking to women. I am, however, usually clueless regarding picking up on signals from women if there is interest, unless those signals are very huge. This may be an issue. Men do not often pick up signals since they are usually the ones who have to do all the chasing and much signaling themselves.

    Another factor depends on where some of these interactions occur. For example a guy is not as likely to initiate contact in places he frequents where many of his friends and business associates frequent. Why? Many do not want to be seen as trolling around incessantly to their friends, business associates (people talk – reputations do matter). Also, wise guys employ the concept of “Don’t s*&t where you eat.” Often used for discouraging work romances, this means that if something goes awry where both of you frequent, someone will often have to change their program. Not fun.

    Lastly, some guys, while open to relationships, simply want to just ‘do their thing’ in their lives, not killing themselves to seek and/or give women too much attention (ie. – their minds are elsewhere).

    So what’s a gal to do? First, realize it’s a numbers game. It is for men too who usually initiate contact with women. It sucks to think of it that way because it involves a fair % of rejection usually, but is how it is. Also, regarding striking up conversations with gay men, so what? Perhaps look at it as practice, not a waste of time.

    Secondly, and more practically, in addition to going to the better pond/stream, be attentive, and patient. What I mean by this is that men often are clueless to all but the most obvious signals. For example, I have a great big friendly dog. Women often talk about the dog to me 1st, then transition. (An aside – if you are in a heavily gay community, I’ve found men with toy dogs are more likely to be gay or married, so look for labradors, goldens, great danes, etc, lol). Pay attention to what he’s reading (bookstore/coffee shop) perhaps make a comment on that. Essentially, you are going through the same thought process that nearly every man has to go through. Lastly, directness works wonderfully. (I saw you here and wanted to say hi…”). Even the densest man knows this signal. If he doesn’t, run.

    I agree with BigFella’s sentimnets somewhat. It’s great having women take the initiative. Just keep in mind that it IS a dance. And until you know your dance partners and all the dances, you often step on their toes and have yours stepped on much also…


  16. 36

    Also, J wrote some good stuff regarding the concerns women have in daily life, such a potential stalkers.

    Further she wrote, “It has been my experience as well that it is harder to come by guys who are anywhere from about 35-45 or a little above that are available. I too have found most I do meet are either married, married with kids, or very attached. OR separated” I agree with her, and would like to offer it is true for on the other side as well. Personally, I think it is a terrible idea to date someone separated (NOT a slam at J, just opining) because they often haven’t dealt with the issues surrounding their current breakup mentally. That can only spell trouble for the non-separated person.

    I’d like to offer an addition to J’s perspective – I think over 1/2 the men in this demographic are divorced (if you go by divorce stats). So, many available (non-married/gay) men in the 35-45 range are spending more time working and furthering their career in this age range. My belief, based upon experience of friends and self, is that they spend more energies on work and career after such an occurrence. Therefore, they aren’t going to go looking for opportunities to meet women. This may answer some ladies’ questions about where many of these men are – at work.

    As an additional note, several posters brought up the issue of divorced people in the 35+ category, and the potential ‘baggage’ they possess. With the divorce rate what it is, people of both sexes are going to run across people who are divorced. I personally will not get involved with anyone who divorced and hasn’t sought/getting counseling to deal with the ‘baggage’ from said divorce. I have (though never married), and think it is a healthy thing for anyone to do. I think it increases your odds of finding someone healthy who is healthy for you. Just an opinion…

  17. 37

    I started reading this blog because I loved Evan’s humor and practical approach to dating. I’m sometimes amazed at the deadly seriousness of some of the commenters. Gosh, we’re not writing for a grade here, why can’t we lightheartedly banter about our experiences and observations without all the dire heaviness of opinion?

    Sign me,
    The formerly shy Selena

  18. 38

    BigFella – “… you could not be more wrong with your comments. Try reading some good social pshychology by someone who has studied the dating and mating world. You are seriously misguided as to what really goes on out there socially.”

    I’m talking about millions of years of evolution – I’m not sure what you’re referring to.

  19. 39

    ..hhmmm, all that goes on in Atlanta…hmmmhh…

  20. 40

    ….most men know better than to approach a woman that is not smiling…….

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