My Husband Openly Talks About Other Attractive Women To Me

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Dear Evan,

I have been married for two years. I am 26 years old and my husband is 12 years older than me. He is very nice to me and always tells me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have me. He loves me. He seems to know what to say to me most of the times.

Now, here is the problem… We are both going to separate colleges.   The problem is that at the end of the day when he tells me about his daily class events, he goes on and on about this hot, extremely hot, f#$$g hot, sultry looking girl in one of his classes… His friends tell me how “he is married, but not dead” and “there is nothing wrong with noticing other women”!! He also tells me that he can fantasize about his cute 30 years old teacher… I asked him if he ever found me ‘sultry’? His response was just plain ‘NO’. He told me that I was beautiful and very sexual, but never sultry.  

What is your opinion about this whole mess? I AM a jealous person, but I try to control my jealousy. I try very hard to not show anger, but I really don’t feel loved. I don’t want to tell him that he can’t come talk to me about other females (well, I see other guys too in my school but I don’t go on and on about them when I get home. I desire my husband and no other man)

What do I do?   How do I talk to him about this?

Jazz

Dear Jazz,

Your husband’s biggest problem isn’t that he’s a loser who will most certainly cheat on you one of these days (although an argument can certainly be made). No, your husband’s big problem is that he has an extraordinarily big yap which lands him somewhere in that gray area between insensitive and stupid.

I’m going to take this moment to strike a hard line in defense of LYING. Yes, LYING. Because right now, ladies and gentlemen, you are hearing a first-hand account of the devastation wreaked by a man who can’t help but to TELL THE TRUTH. Because, to be perfectly blunt with you, Jazz, his friends are 100% right. He IS married but not dead. There IS nothing wrong with noticing other women. Where your husband comes up incredibly short — as if he were somewhat autistic — in his ability to HIDE his attraction to other women for your sake.

Where your husband comes up incredibly short — as if he were somewhat autistic — in his ability to HIDE his attraction to other women for your sake.

Now, we’ve tackled this before here. And my sentiments, controversial though they may seem, remain the same. Flirty people flirt. It’s a personality trait, not a choice. Still, there ARE societal boundaries to be maintained, and there are certainly sensitivities that have to be considered. And your husband is failing on every account. Factor in your innate jealousy and your husband going on and on about his f#$$g hot lab partner, well, you’ve got a recipe for disaster on your hands. And it ain’t going away all that soon.

Because what you might be surprised to learn, Jazz, is that your husband probably feels that he just can’t help himself.

Which is why comparing your attraction to other men is irrelevant. Leering is somewhat accepted among men, and, to a degree, even encouraged…. I recall a conversation I had with a close friend. He was raised in a Southern feminist household and was taught ultimate respect for women. (This is a GOOD thing, by the way. I ain’t arguing with it.) But what my friend failed to understand when we were drinking and woman-watching in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina was WHY we did it. “I don’t see why you would alert me to look at a woman’s body from across the room if I didn’t already see it. It’s disrespectful.” My defense: “It’s like a rainbow. If it’s beautiful, I feel it’s my job to point it out to my friends around me.” Hey, it was the best I could do after a dozen beers.

Again, Jazz, I’m not blindly defending lecherous men — nor encouraging this behavior in general. I’m pointing out that it happens, it’s common, and it requires a lot of rewiring to get men to be sensitive to women when they’re accustomed to being boorish around other men.

While he should be letting off steam to his friends exclusively, he’s including you in on his act — possibly to absolve his guilt.

One other point: talking about other women is also your husband’s way of staying sane in a monogamous relationship (monogamy being a choice, but not a natural state). Unfortunately, while he should be letting off steam to his friends exclusively, he’s including you in on his act — possibly to absolve his guilt. It’s foolish, destructive and short-sighted, no doubt about it.

Thus you need to have a conversation with your husband before you boil over. As always, focus on how his words make you FEEL instead of telling him that he’s a psychotic pervert. It may be true, but it accomplishes nothing. If he loves you — and as your husband, I believe he does — he doesn’t want to hurt you, and is open to learning how his visceral reactions to women are actually damaging your relationship.

Please write back and let us know how it goes. We’re pulling for you…

 

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Comments:

  1. 201
    Sasha

    Well – my view on this is the key feature in the artcle “monogamy is a choice is not natural” (or something to that effect). They actually did a study on prairies voles and found that monogamy was a gene that a breed of voles had that another species didm’t. The theory (unproven as far as I know) is that it is a similar genetic tendency with men. The sad raw truth is then.. if you are not one of the lucky women to have a natuarally monogamous man… then he WILL look at other women, be excited and enjoy it and talk to his friends about it (its mad fun for a certain time of guy and part of how they let off steam). He then has a choice – include you in this group of “friends” and have a completely honest relationship with you (every guys dream, but it is painful for the average woman as we are not wired that way) or learn to (white) lie to you. If he has not been taught by women around him that it is ok, you will have to teach him.. and its hard as well because you are literally asking him to lie. I would not jump to the conclusion that he is a cheater or that he is being deliberately hurtful though (I mean.. anyone can lie.. its easy) – he just doesn’t “get” it.

  2. 202
    Pauliina Laitinen

    Women, trust your feelings on this and please do not ignore them. If you feel bad about looks and comments, it is good enough a reason to say these words to your so: “I feel disrespected when you comment or stare other women in my company. I want you to show that you put me before these random women by not doing it with me.”

    This comment does not imply that it’s wrong to be attracted to other people or like beautiful things. Manipulators want you to believe that your feelings are not valid or try to take the conversation away from what it really is about: you feel bad. I think it’s a simplified explanation that this would be an issue of self esteem or insecurity. It’s not okay to tell crippled people that they walk in a funny way and say it’s justified because you are just honest. It is just pure disrespect and lack of caring how the crippled, or you would feel.

    Remember, there is no real standard of common behavior for people that is determined by someone else. For some people, it is okay. Remember that you have the permission to determine what are the things you want in your life and what you don’t. You don’t have to listen to or change your opinions to what other people think is acceptable. And don’t forget that if you let someone else cross your values, limits, morals and beliefs it will lead to resentment towards yourself and lowering of self esteem. If yours is different from a man’s opinion, yours isn’t any better or worse. It is just yours, and therefore it’s valid and precious. The fact that it bothers YOU is enough of a reason for him to stop.

    If he doesn’t respect your feelings, tell him that you can’t tolerate this. I had a boyfriend who accidentally agreed to his friend complimenting on a lady. He later apologized to me without me even mentioning it, and said I am the only woman he really sees. Do not be fooled by the fact thay they say it’s in the nature of men. It’s not. Choose a man of respect and integrity.

  3. 203
    Chloe

    uhhh tell me about it. My boyfriend used to do quiet often and it was just super awkward. Not to mention it hurt my feelings. I eventually did tell him and he said he was sorry and that he doesn’t really have a filter when to comes to saying what he thinks. I would say it weakens our connection every time he does it.

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