Why Men Routinely Hit on Women Who Are Not Interested


I’m always wary about sharing articles and videos, lest you think that my sharing it is a 100% endorsement of the ideas within them.

When I share something, there’s always a seed of an idea worth discussing. Which brings me to today’s video  courtesy of New York Magazine, on a concept known as sexual misperception.

The point is that people shouldn’t take anything in dating too personally.

This is the very observable phenomenon in which men overestimate women’s interest in them. 90% of women have experienced a man who mistakes basic politeness for sexual signals. Yet studies show that this isn’t just a result of American frat-boy culture. In fact, people all over the world deal with the exact same misperception.

Like most things we discuss here on this blog, I find it more important to observe it and understand it than to judge it. As a woman, you may not like every guy who hits on you, but that doesn’t mean you should stop being polite. As a man, you may overestimate how many women are open to your advances, but that doesn’t mean you should be afraid to make a first move. The point is that people shouldn’t take anything in dating too personally. Don’t take it personally that a guy asks you out when you were just being nice. Don’t take it personally when she rejects you for asking her out.

Your comments, below, are always appreciated.

Join our conversation (118 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 21

    Obsidian said “Moreover, I find that society tends to frown on guys who make it crystal clear that they don’t appreciate unattractive women trying to approach them; the unspoken consensus seems to be that the guy is supposed to “grin and bear it””

    And women are told to be “polite” or “nice” to guys who approach us, unless of course they get physically aggresive or verbally abusive.   A large swath of society rightfully frowns on bullying from either gender towards anyone of any gender.   It is beyond cruel the way PEOPLE will bully, tease and harass people based on their physical appearance.   Even when that appearance is something COMPLETELY beyond their control. Not that it is ever justified to bully someone because it is perceived that they can “control” their appearance.   (Not all over weight people are lazy overeating slobs, not all people with skin blemishes practice poor hygeine, not everyone with crooked teeth can afford braces, etc)   This is not a gender issue, this is a PEOPLE problem.   Girls can often be the worst bullies of other girls, especially in the younger years, but let’s not pretend that men are the oh-so innocent victims of “ugly women”.   I see women harassed on the street for being perceived ugly as well as well as being perceived as sexy.   Mysogynist websites that teach men how to use and abuse women, recommend “hate fucking” ugly women.   Men often justify the extreme cruelty and public humiliation of fat people, especially women.   Even tho’ society generally does not condone bullying,   an exception seems to be made for over weight, and bullying of overweight people is seen as fair game.   Men’s website also ENCOURAGE men to “date down” for “easy booty”.   So a rather plain Jane women might get the idea that she can attract men “out of her league” when they are “slumming it” for an easy lay.   So if a guy humps and dumps (or “hate fucks” her) an”ugly (to him) girl”, and then she tries to “insinuate herself” into his space afterwards, I have no sympathy for him.   If men don’t like “ugly women” “insinuating themselves” into their spaces, then men should stop ENCOURAGING and downright telling men to “hate fuck” or “slum it” with “uggos”.

    I do agree with you on one thing though, unwanted match making.   I have had friends match me up with guys who had nothing in the looks or personality department because they “felt sorry” for the guy.   I don’t think ANYONE should play unwanted matchmaker.   This isn’t something that happens ONLY to men.

    So men should not have to put up with sexually aggressive women who can’t take a hint (regardless of their looks), but men, can and do BULLY ugly women, and society RIGHTFULLY frowns upon that.

    1. 21.1


      I’ll certainly concur with a good part of that. The misandry that occasionally rears its head here ( and on some feminist blogs and websites) and the misogyny that pops up here (and is almost celebrated in some parts of the “manosphere”) both have their roots in frustration; a frustration that often comes from a lack of understanding of the other gender’s prevalent thought process and communication style. It’s been said before, but is worth repeating; women tend to be more indirect, intuitive, and operate from a “feeling” perspective; men tend to be more directness intuitive, and operate from more of a “just the facts” perspective. There’s a natural tension between the two, and the resultant sexual polarization that flows from that is what makes relationships stimulating, but for anyone who can’t muster up at least some empathy for the other gender’s different instincts, different emotional development and different perspective, it’s another matter. A man used to being very direct, and not as attuned to picking up subtle indicators of interest, or lack thereof, can easily perceive a woman’s more indirect, subtle style, as “sneaky” , “manipulative”, or even outright deceitful; she, meanwhile, may very well see his behavior   as clueless and crude, and wonder how the hell anyone can be so insensitive. He doesn’t get the fact that she’s trying to be kind and polite; she doesn’t see the fact that he’s trying to be honest; instead both see behaviors they don’t understand “because I wouldn’t do it that way!” Both tend to assume that the opposite gender will behave/react as their own gender would, and are puzzled, confused, or even outraged, when that just doesn’t happen. So, for example, Karmic assumed above that a man would convey   to another man the information about a woman having a boyfriend, because she would convey to a girl friend who expressed interest in a guy the information that he had a girlfriend. There’s no malice in it, really; it just didn’t occur to her that a guy might not do what she   (and most women) would. Not picking on Karmic here; most of us, male or female, project like that, and we do it a lot.

      That said, I will take issue with your comment about obesity not being a choice. Barring some comparatively unusual medical and or psychological issues (in which case I wish those afflicted a successful outcome to the medical intervention they need), the lifestyle choices that lead to it most certainly are just that-choices., and while we can’t all be perfectly sculpted athletes,   especially past 50, we CAN be relatively fit, trim and energetic. I think even you will acknowledge, that one (as a rule) has far more control over that, than they do over, say, their height, or calendar age, but most people find both of those quite acceptable reasons to NOT be attracted to someone, do they not. Demanding respect and basic kindness is one thing; none of us have to be mean or cruel to anyone; that;’s a choice too, and we’re responsible for it.   However, to demand that someone else somehow find our most unappealing   (visually or otherwise) attributes attractive when they are in fact repulsed by them…well however politically correct you may think that is, It’s just not going to happen Most of the time that’s a lifestyle choice. just like the fact that I smoke. I’m well aware a lot of women may find that every bit as repulsive as I find 5o pounds of excess blubber; I may not find that preference convenient, but I accept it, and I do, after all, have the option of choosing not to engage in the offending behavior, NO? In any case, I learned years ago a very important principle: “The effective range of an excuse, is exactly ZERO meters”. No one cares about an excuse, whether it’s yours, mine, or anyone else’s.

    2. 21.2

      I think there is some truth to your post, but it is also very one sided.   Women DO bully unattractive men.   If you were a man, you would see them do it, even if you were an attractive man.   I am not busted in the looks department, but also not a 10.   I do see women who are not attracted to a guy, bully him.   Usually only if she has back up in the form of male friends, or a lot of female friends around.   Also, since men are the ones who have to do most of the approaching, it can have a different dynamic, but that does not mean men feel it any less than a woman who is “bullied.”    Men are more loud and direct, women are more subtle (sometimes) but men feel it full force.   Just because you are unaware of this doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.


      My weight fluctuated, and at one time I had put on a fair amount of extra weight.   I can assure you that the way women treated me was night and day depending on if I was in shape or had a lot of extra weight.   I’ve had women openly flirt with me in the grocery store when I am in shape, to look past me as if I didn’t exist, when I was overweight.   I’ve had women catch my eye and then openly appraise me with obvious approval on their face before making eye contact and smiling, when I am in shape, to muttering creep when I showed interest when I was overweight.   The most obvious approval came when I had just recently   been medically dropped from the Navy SEAL training (BUD/S), and was in the best shape of my life.


      Also, what you are unaware of is the different way men and women are treated when being set up with somebody.   Men as noted by me and others above, are made to feel shame if we refuse on the grounds that the women is fat or ugly in our eyes.   We are supposed to give her a chance because she is such a sweet person.   We may even be told, “Well you aren’t all that either.”   In short we are shamed for this.   Not so much with women.    I do agree that family and friends will try to set you up with somebody you aren’t attracted to, but if you don’t like their looks, you aren’t shamed for that.   If you were, that is not the norm.


      I’ve seen it way too often.   I think the difference is which gender the shaming comes from also.   I assure you that for a man, it burns more if it comes from women.   We do care what women think of us.   If a couple came to me and tried to set me up with a busted chick, I wouldn’t be as bothered if the guy tried shaming me for rejecting the girl.   If it were the female side of the couple, and especially if she had a few other friends with her, I assure you that the feeling you get as a mn is that they are black listing you.


      That the impression you get is that they will warn other women away from you because you are a bad guy.   I’ve had that done.   It sucks, and as I said in another post, is the reason I tell friends and family to NOT try to hook me up with anyone.   I tell them that if I am interested in somebody they know, I will let them know and inquire about that person, and possibly ask for an introduction if that seems like the best way to proceed.



      This is not to say that there aren’t men out there that are cruel to women.   There are.   I am not naive to that fact.


      One last thing.   You did allude to the PUA sites.   I am not a PUA, but it is hard for me to sympathize with women over this because women could bring that practice to a screeching halt by simply not sleeping with men who haven’t committed to them first.   Hint, he’s not going to be committed to you in the first 3 to 6 months, maybe even 12 months.   I would say that you will know it by his actions, when those actions are evaluated over several months.   You have to let time weed out the pretenders.

      1. 21.2.1
        the real "m"

        do agree that family and friends will try to set you up with somebody you aren’t attracted to, but if you don’t like their looks, you aren’t shamed for that.   If you were, that is not the norm.


        Citation needed.

  2. 22

    I think what everyone is forgetting is that sexual attraction and physical attractiveness, while not mutually exclusive, do not necessarily align perfectly. You can be very attracted to someone who isn’t the hottest person in the room.

    As a woman, I don’t go out thinking, “Well, I’m a 6.33. Therefore, I should aim to attract the attention of a man who is a 6.5 to a 7.8.” Sometimes all the talk of sexual market value goes out the window … when magic happens.

    1. 22.1

      More to the point how is it, exactly, you distinguish between a 6.33 and a 6.5 in a man or a woman?   I am of course being facetious, but it does illustrate the absurdity of grading SMV on such a fine scale when the whole concept of numerical SMV is such nuanced and arbitrary exercise in the first place.

      1. 22.1.1

        I was being sarcastic, of course. My point was that the idea of a SMV is ridiculous in an of itself, and no one thinks about it when they meet someone they truly like. In fact, no one THINKS at all. They just feel it.

        1. Lola

          This is exactly what I was thinking! Another weird thing is that when I was younger and cared how guys would rate me on a 10 point scale, I’d ask how they rated me. One guy said 6, another guy said 8.5, and further to that other guys said 9 or 10. It’s the most subjective bullshit. One guy who said I was an 8, was definitely more attractive to me than the guy who said I was a 6.

          Seriously, no one can say I’m a 7, and not have a huge percentage say “yuck, no you aren’t” or some other person say “whoa, you rate yourself quite low”. Furthermore, when people (usually men) are talking about SMV, they’ll write “This girl was a hard 9…” as though every man rates every woman the same in their attractiveness. Some would never date a woman over 130lbs, others don’t want to see ribs and the idea of muscular core on a woman skeeves them out.

    2. 22.2

      Yes…what mgm531 said.   Nobody says, “Well my SMV is this so I want somebody with an equal number or better.”   It is much more subtle than that.   It is as simple as this.   You deal with people all day long, day after day, and this will include some people of the opposite sex flirting with you and some actually asking you out.   Now, if you lined all of those guys up, side by side, starting with the best looking one, and then put them in order down the line in order of best looking to least good looking, this is what we are simulating when we say that if you are a 7, those guys are maybe a 5 or 6 at the bottom, and an 8 or 9 at the upper end.


      Now, what we are saying is that if you look at the guys at the lower end, and say, “meh, they will do as a last resort, but I can do better.”   OK, well what is that guy at the upped end of your line-up actually thinking about you?   Well, there is a very good chance it is similar to what you said about the guy at the lower end of your lineup.   Now, not everyone is the same.   Not everyone tries to hold out for one of the better looking people they can attract.   Both men and women do this.   Smart people do this, because it just makes sense not to try for the best looking person you can attract.   You are simply more likely to find somebody who will treat you better when you scale back your expectations just a little bit.   As I said in another post, “Economic Game Theory,” is based off these dating concepts.   If you saw the movie, “A beautiful mind,” that movie was about the man who came up with that theory.


      So you are actually correct when you mention the magic happening.   You seem to be one of the people who allows the fruit to reveal itself as good or bad and don’t just judge it by how tasty it looks.   You seem to understand that the magic may happen with a guy of any SMV number, so you don’t get wrapped up in the number. But, odds are that it is more likely to not happen with the guy well above your SMV number.    That is really all we are saying.

      1. 22.2.1

        My point was that if you lined those guys up — the ones who flirt with you and the ones who ask you out — there would be a couple you weren’t attracted to at all, a couple you had some interest in and maybe one who you were very attracted to. And he wouldn’t necessarily be the one with the highest SMV. He wouldn’t necessarily be (aesthetically speaking) the best looking one. You’re not always trying to get the guy with the highest SMV. You want the one who lights you up.

      2. 22.2.2

        I am a 50 year old woman and a twin. We both have been considered   ‘attractive’ but that is so subjective. I have noticed that since I put on extra weight, I still get looks from men but not any real advances as far as flirting( they smile and are kind though).   My sister and I look a lot alike (in our face) but I do notice when we go out together there is a different vibe coming from men as far as, perhaps, the sexual attractiveness they may see in her- and not me. That said, even when I am at my best weight (actually working to get back to that now- I’m a real foodie..ugh),   I only notice a slight difference in the advances of men. I really think that much of it has to do with personality and sexual attractiveness. I have been told I am pretty. My ex told me ‘you have a kind face’ lol. Nicest thing I think he said to me. But seriously, that doesn’t mean much if there’s not chemistry when you first meet someone.

        I have also seen many men who others would fall over-buff, good-looking, etc. But I wasn’t impressed.   Sexual attractiveness means different things to different people. I wager that it also has something to do with your ability to flirt and perhaps have a bit of ‘game’.

  3. 23

    I read through all the comments, some great stuff in there. I have to say though that experinced men realize that dating and mating is just a numbers game. I learned this at 8 years of age, but refused to believe it until much later in life.

    How I learned of this? Well when I was a kid I used to spend a lot of time in my uncle’s shop, my uncle and my father being partners. My uncle had about six guys working for him, when my Dad had to see my uncle on business we would always stop and get coffee and donuts for the guys and I would carry in the coffee to the guys. They all teased me about girls, but one old Romanian guy in particular was the worst. He’d always tease me about not having a girlfriend and how easy it was to get one. Finally after months of this I said, ” If it’s that easy to get a girlfriend, tell me how!”   I’ll never forget what he said, ” It’s easy, girls are everywhere, in the stores, bus stops, cafes…at all times when you see one you like, ask her if she wants to be your girlfriend” . I could not believe this and said “But, they would slap my face!”, he smiled and said, “Yes, maybe 8 or 9 out ten might do that….but one will say yes”.

    So this is why these guys hit on women “Out of their league”. These guys know that even women who are normally out of reach may be available because:

    -They are really pissed at their boyfriend/husband

    -It’s been awhile

    -They are on the rebound

    -All of the above and they’ve had a few drinks

    So, it’s just a matter of the odds.

    1. 23.1

      That is the complete opposite of what most women want. They want a man who really likes them, as a person and as a woman. They want to feel singled out and chosen, not just convenient and agreeable.

      1. 23.1.1

        Emily, there has to be an interaction for any relationship to start, no man knows if he really likes a woman other than physically until after he’s spent time with her. The man who approaches women everday in a friendly, confident and entertaining manner has the best chance of success. Unless she happened to see him hit on other women within eyeshot, she would have no idea she was not ‘Special’ and singled out of the crowd for that reason.

        1. Emily

          That exact scenario happened to me at a bar this weekend. I was with a group of people and a man approached me and started making conversation. I will give him credit. That takes balls to do, but I am not really in the market currently. He walked away and WITHIN FIFTEEN MINUTES HE WAS ON THE DANCE FLOOR MAKING OUT WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.

  4. 24

    The best approach is a targeted one. If possible — and you can’t always do this — get to know a women over time. Could be a few days. Doesn’t have to be long. Maybe you work with her or you see her on a somewhat regular basis in a group you belong to. Develop a rapport with her and then — if she is responding to you — ask her out. You will have a lot more success and a lot fewer rejections.

    1. 24.1

      Emily It’s not a matter of me not understanding what you’ve wrote, but a matter of you not liking my response. None of what you suggest can happen until after a man has actually met a woman and she has shown some interest in him. The more women a less than handsome man meets, the better his chances of meeting one who reciprocates. Over time a man learns is the worst that can happen is she’ll not be receptive, but some other women will be and rejection eventually loses it’s power over him.

      What I’ve laid out is exactly what the men do who fit the description the article was about, “Men who routinely hit on women who are not interested”.   Men are very adaptive creatures, they use the approach I’ve mentioned because it works. If it quit working they would try something else. If you want to use the job analogy, these men are not looking for a job, they in a sense already have one, the pursuit of women they find attractive. The fact that the majority of women ‘Out of their league’ are not going to be interested is expected as part of the sales job. They make their ‘quota’ by covering as much territory as they can, they know that concentrating on five or ten underperforming accounts and waiting for a call back is not an effective sales method.

      I know this hardly sounds romantic and the idea of it offends some women, but it is also the same approach most of the edgy badboys who are very successful with women use all the time. It’s just much more flattering when women think they’ve been singled out for attention by Chris Helmsworth than Dany Devito 🙂


      1. 24.1.1

        You nailed it Ronin.   I think Emily would see the difference if roles were reversed.   If she had to approach guys she found attractive and hope that a guy would reciprocate her interest, and that this was really the only way she was ever going to find a guy.   Guys would then act like women do, and sit back and pick and choose who wins and who loses.   She would quickly learn that life is too short to try to play sniper.   See, that is the way this works.   Because the women can sit back and let the men come to them, they can be snipers.   Men have no clue which women will or won’t reciprocate.   Every man will tell you that there are times when you almost feel like you are being charitable going up and asking a girl to dance, and she will sneer at you and shoot you down, and you are like, “WOW, Really?    You are shooting me down?”   And, you may add in a few less flattering things that you say in your head.   But then, there will be the occasional girl that you just know is going to shoot you down, but she doesn’t, and you are over the moon and feel like you need to pinch yourself to make sure you aren’t dreaming.


        So as you said, you quickly learn that the shotgun method is what works.   Another analogy is baiting several hooks, and casting those lines into the water, and waiting to see which one you get a nibble on.


        You were also right about the hot bad boys doing the very same thing.   All men do this.   The only difference between a guy who is a 9 or 10 and a guy who is a 6 or 7 is that the 9 or 10 is much more successful and gets nibble on most of the lines he tosses into the water.   Thus he has almost assuredly slept with more beautiful women than you, and the likelihood of you being memorable to him is much lower.   This should be common sense.


        The 6 or 7 has less nibbles, so you are much more likely to be special to him.   I’ve long had this theory that this is why being overly nice to a woman seems to get you nowhere.   It’s like they have this subconscious understanding that the higher on the ladder the guy is, the worse he will treat her.


        Most of us men were always mystified by how we would see women’s eyes light up when certain guys, or even celebrities were around.   I am talking about guys that were well known to be A-holes.   Cheaters, users of women, mean, even abusive, and yet women’s eyes would light up when these guys are around, as if this guy is a great catch, as if all she needs to be happy for the rest of her life is just to catch this guy and get him to the alter.

        1. Emily

          I have gone after men. I have approached men, asked them out and come on to them, both physically and verbally. And, yes, rejection sucks. But I go after one person I really like. (Or, better yet, that person comes after me.) Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it doesn’t. If it doesn’t, I wait until I meet someone else I like. Of course, that means I have long dry spells, but I would rather be with someone I really want than feign interest in someone I don’t.

        2. Stacy


          It’s not that women pay more attention to men who treat her badly. It’s that the men who tend to be most nonchalant about women tend to be the hottest men for which she may have high chemistry for. Luckily this usually restricted to the young (under 30), although I am well aware that this includes older women as well.

          But it’s no different than when men chase the hot women even when he is being used.   This type of behavior is not restricted to women   by   a long shot. It’s a human thing. We desire the most desired and sometimes, consequences be damned. No, it’s not healthy and while I have never been through that phase, I understand it.

  5. 25

    That’s pretty much it, as a guy you cut your losses and move on. The guy probably hit a couple of other bars before you even met him Emily.   It’s not uncommon for guys dating online, even quite attractive ones, to message 100 women, have first dates with 15, second dates with 6 and end up only sleeping with two…This is the male reality.

    1. 25.1

      I don’t mean to sound condescending, but take a minute to read what I wrote above your last response. Really read it. Hitting on women is like looking for a job. If you read 50 job ads, you wouldn’t apply to all of them or even half. You would would send out your resume to maybe 5 to 10 and really fine-tune your cover letter to those specific employers. You’d apply to the jobs you were QUALIFIED for.

  6. 26
    Derek Taylor


    Believe it or not, this can go both ways! I had a woman think I was trying to hit on her when I was just being nice and friendly! The woman was definitely not my type at all! I was just trying to start up a conversation since I just started working at the place! Once I started to get the vibes that she thought I was trying to hit on her, I abruptedly stopped the friendliness and stopped talking to her for a couple of days. It was kind of a surprise and upsetting that she treated me like I was trying to hit  on to her! I was thinking, like really, not every man wants your ass! Calm down! I guess after she noticed me not talking to her, she started talking to me. I assume she realized I wasn’t like those thirsty guys trying to get in her pants!

  7. 27
    Karl R

    The video said:

    “If you’re a guy and you think a woman is flirting with you, think hard about the situation.   And don’t make a move just because you have a hunch.”

    That’s the worst dating advice I’ve ever heard for men.

    If I followed that advice, I would never have asked anyone out.


    Emily said: (#9)

    “I hate to have to lie, but I also don’t want to put in the awkward position of having to turn someone down.”

    Don’t be such a wuss.


    It’s awkward to ask a woman out, given that the chances of success are less than 50%.   (I’m better than average with hunches.   For most men, it would be closer to 10%.)

    If you’re not interested, you just need  to say: “No thank you.”

    If the man seems particularly clueless, you can say: “No thank you.   I’m not interested.”


    That doesn’t seem extraordinarily awkward (or difficult) to me.

    And if you really find it awkward to establish a clear and simple boundary (like, I am not interested in dating you) with someone that you’re not interested in, how awkward will you find it to establish your boundaries when you’re deeply invested in a relationship?

  8. 28

    I think I am average looking,over weight.I am happily married but get hit on more than I want.I think that when you aren’t interested and a guy hits on you that they seem creepy.I am also out going and polite.I think it’s true a lot of guys are used to women being rude and cold.

  9. 29

    Most men who routinely hit on women are strangers who degradingly treat women with disrespect. There is a much more important underlying issue than the way in which men perceive whether or not a woman is being flirty or not.

    1. 29.1


      1) Men who routinely hit on women are men. Period. The vast majority of women don’t go around hitting on men and asking them out on dates, nor do they want to start doing so.

      2) Everyone is a stranger to you before you first talk to them. Automatically equating men talking to a woman that they don’t yet know as having motive to degrade and disrespect the woman  is absurd.

      3) Try asking women that never/rarely get hit on by men how they feel about men not hitting on them. I just listened to a group of women that happened to be on the larger side lamenting over the lack of male attention they receive while other women complain receiving it as some kind of transgression against them.

  10. 30

    I have consciously avoided men with a very high SMV or higher than me. I have yet to meet one who was also a good partner. I don’t think men handle being very good looking well. I get hit on quite, quite often but now that I have a ring on my hand, I realize it’s died down   a bit (and frankly, I am relieved).

    But back to the topic, people simply tend to want or value what they cant easily have.   So yes, men hit on women that don’t seem interested because the non interest is an aphrodisiac in itself (although there is a threshold that cant be crossed).

  11. 31

    As a woman, I find it completely unacceptable when men hit on me who would have zero chance. A person should be able to politely gauge interest first. Also, if we’re not if similar age, attractiveness, and have nothing in common, I’m definitely never giving you a chance. Men, please stop. It’s not flattering. It’s the opposite.

    1. 31.1

      Well what’s attractive to you?

    2. 31.2

      Hi Kate, I got nowhere after a few tries, so I gave it up – almost 40 years ago. I learned that I didn’t have it. “Nice” guys quit trying, so only the jerks are left and they don’t quit or even slow down. I figured out that none of you need us, so I don’t bother you. The reality is that all hetero women are only interested in just a handful of guys. So a male is either in the club or he isn’t. The unlucky many can’t do anything other than pay prostitutes, which I won’t do. The lucky ones can pee on you in a bar and you will still go home with them.

  12. 32


    As a single extremely physically fit childless 39 year old wealthy man I find it unacceptable when women age 30 and older, single moms, and overweight women hit on me. Women should be able to gauge when a man isn’t interested. It goes both ways.

  13. 33

    Dang – harsh realities…
    It’s certainly illuminating to read the myriad perspectives and experiences of commenters!
    I side with those of the, it-is-what-it-is mindset. Crude/objectifying language is disrespectful and unwanted, but given social conditioning, it’s understandable that men will pursue whomever they hope to attract. I don’t go to bars/clubs, so perhaps I’ve been able to avoid the more egregious forms of the mating game?? and take a more empathetic approach… but I try to look at male attention as flattering, rather than offensive. I don’t think there’s any intentional harm. Men who honk and yell out, etc. aren’t causing me any harm, so I see no need to feel offended or upset by their attention. Men are generally still expected to pursue women in U.S. culture, so I understand and accept this as socially conditioned behavior. I just nod, say thank you, smile or wave and go about my business.
    Even with online dating and men reaching out to me whom I wouldn’t consider dating – I still made sure to reply to every message (albeit a canned, copy/paste no thank you…) because I value good manners and treating others with dignity. I’ve only participated in the sites that cost a few hundred dollars to join, though. So again, my “exposure” to the more negative forms of male attention was perhaps mitigated by my choice of venue, whether online or in person?? Just trying to own my bias here…

    My man tells me I’m way out of his league and he couldn’t believe I gave him a chance. We met online. I replied to his message because his profile was fully completed (I wouldn’t consider anyone who didn’t put effort into writing a full, detailed profile), his values resonated with mine and he sent me a respectful message that demonstrated he had read my long profile (I’m clearly quite loquacious ). He may not be considered the most attractive guy out there, but that’s not important to me. We know through various commenters and other articles here, women aren’t as focused on physical appearance as men.

    For all you “average” guys out there – as others have commented, I would like to encourage and support your respectful and courteous approach of women you find attractive. If she rebuffs you, at least you can feel good about having tried to find love. If she rebuffs you in an unkind manner, she saved you both time and energy since you hopefully wouldn’t want to spend time with someone who cannot be kind and respectful toward kind and respectful attention.

    I agree with some of the other commenters. You just won’t know whether a woman would consider you or not until you try! I say this as someone who receives plenty of male attention. Caveat: If she indicates what she wants/doesn’t want in her online profile and you don’t fit the criteria, odds are not in your favor. e.g., If you’re a smoker and she says no smoker, I wouldn’t bother unless you plan to stop smoking. I was surprised at how many smokers approached me, despite my no-smoker criteria being listed I know men dislike “the list,” but again, it is what it is. Many women (not all) have lists. Many men (not all) want “healthy” sized women. ‍♀️

    As a side note, I kinda think men may be able to tell from a woman’s online profile whether or not she would be inclined to consider his advances. e.g., My profile clearly articulated a very values-oriented persona. I think I even specified that physical attractiveness was low priority to me because I didn’t want an “average” guy to feel too intimidated/not approach me.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *