My Boyfriend Wants Me to Get A Higher Degree And Earn More Money.

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I am 40 years old, started dating a gentleman, age 50, about six months ago. I feel that I have lots in common with him, and can truly say he is my biggest love that I ever could experience in my life. He has a Doctorate degree, and I have an associate degree. He says he is worried about getting older and fears not having enough money to support himself. And he’s very tight when it comes to spending money. I don’t have any financial expectations from him but he has said if I want to be with him long term, I need to go back to school and establish a stable career. He wants someone who can bring home a yearly salary of about 70K. I think he is worried that he might have to take care of someone financially. I also get the feeling that I am not good enough for him intellectually, and that he is looking down on me. It hurts my self-esteem and I started feeling insecure about myself. He says that love alone is not enough to live on. It makes me wonder if those sayings are all excuses. I’m not sure what to do! May I ask please for your opinion?

Thank you.
Anne

Your boyfriend might have a doctorate, but he’s lacking in emotional intelligence.

If you’ve been reading for awhile, you’ve heard me extol the virtues of character, kindness, consistency and commitment to women who choose men for being tall, handsome, educated and rich.

You’re not his mom. You’re not his caretaker. You’re not even his wife. If he’s worried about not having enough money, HE should get job training to learn how to get a new career.

My advice applies the same, regardless of gender.

Let’s count all the ways your “gentleman” (ahem) is far from the “biggest love” in your life.

I’d be surprised if he was your boyfriend by the end of this blog post. Evidently, he…

Fears not having enough money to support himself. That’s HIS problem. You’re not his mom. You’re not his caretaker. You’re not even his wife. If he’s worried about not having enough money, HE should get job training to learn how to get a new career. The fact that he’s telling his new girlfriend that he needs financial support is not only stupid and tone-deaf, but embarrassing as hell.

Is very tight when it comes to spending money. Well, I’ve always made a clear distinction between being cheap and being poor. If he has no money, being tight is a prudent idea. If he has money and refuses to spend any of it, then he’s being cheap. I can’t tell you which it is, Anne. But I can tell you that any man who…

I don’t care how much you “love” him, this dude’s issues render him unsuitable to the institution of marriage.

Issues an ultimatum that you need to go back to school and establish a career is arrogant as hell. If YOU don’t think you have enough money to support yourself and YOU want to go back to school to make yourself more marketable in the work place, then that’s an admirable goal. It’s just not a goal that anyone has the right to make for you.

The fact that he came up with a salary for you? As if you had to bring a 70K dowry to your relationship?

Run, baby, run. I don’t care how much you “love” him, this dude’s issues render him unsuitable to the institution of marriage. As he said, “love alone is not enough to live on”.

Let him know as you walk out the door and find a man who accepts you as you are.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Christy

    RUN RUN RUN!
    I don’t know if you’re still reading this. But please get out of that relationship, it’s bad news~!

  2. 22
    enji

    Tell him Fudge you!!!!

  3. 23
    India

    Don’t get a degree because he wants you to. If your education isn’t enough for him and you don’t want more then that’s his problem.

  4. 24
    Jenai

    Ironically I know many men like this. Perhaps it’s more prevelant in the AA community though ie black and Hispanic community. I work with a guy who wouldn’t marry his then fiancé unil she had a degree. After she had a degree and was making more than him, then he did marry her, and bought a new car.

    Most AA men want a woman on their level financially and intellectually meaning her level of education. What I’ve found is just like women, men like to brag about their partners achievements. Generally speaking, It always seems as though when a woman moves up in her career, it’s much easier for her to attract a plethora of good, decent. attractive, and successful men. (and yes men who want to marry her).

    Maybe this isn’t common amongst other races, but it’s very common in mine. I see it more often than not, and I’ve personally experienced it several times.

    Men are even asking about women’s credit scores, their finances, and other things. Based on conversations I’ve had with men regarding this, it seems that they want things to be easy. And money does make life much easier. And u can afford a better lifestyle and more material things. Men don’t want a woman they have to support financially too much. They also want a woman they can “brag” about. For instance, my lady, and/or my wife has a PHD, a Masters degree, she’s great with her finances, she makes more than I do, she’s a lawyer, or a Dr. or a VP or whatever she is. And for many men this is icing on the cake if she’s attractive.

    Has little to nothing to do with a man being cheap, or even selfish, just shallow, and materialistic it seems to me.

    jmo.

    1. 24.1
      Jen

      I am in that boat.   My boyfriend tells me he won’t marry me unless I get my degree, yet he isn’t in school and I don’t even think he has any college credits.   He’ll say it, but then he says that he’ll marry me if i don’t have one too.   It’s almost as if it’s his form of motivational talk but I find it very negative.   But we’ll get into these fights and he will bring it up so it’s confusing.

      He is hispanic, but so am I and growing up the men in my family were the providers.   That was the case among my hispanic friends too, the men made more money.   So I don’t know if it is a country by country thing within the culture as a whole.   From what I saw growing up there were a lot of similarities between Italian families and the hispanic families I knew, including mine, in that the man made more money, the women cooked (although Italian men cook too) and did more of the housework and caring for the kids.   Most of the women in my family worked too, but it was more of a supplemental income, where the men were the main providers.    Either way I know times change but I grew up with such a strong sense of what it’s “supposed to be” and it seems like he had the opposite experience, where the women in his family were the strong ones and carried everyone else and made a lot of money.   This could be a problem.   Either way I am really offended that he tells me he wouldn’t marry me unless I had a degree because he doesn’t even have one!   Also, we split up for awhile (over other reasons) and he tried hard to get me back with him, so if this is such an issue for him, that was his out you know?   He seems to give me a timeline in which I “should” go back to school (according to him) and if i don’t he will break up with me.   Why string me along?   And he keeps saying he will go back to school but I don’t see him making moves, he had money saved and never tried to register or anything.   So all this “I will” talk is talk to me, it may be his intention but I see no action.

    2. 24.2
      Dawn

      On your deathbed and hers, a degree won’t mean a damn thing. In sickness or in health… guess what? It also won’t mean a damn thing. There are many people, entrepreneurs, who make millions, with no college education, or very little college. It’s one thing if a woman wants to earn a degree and a higher income, it’s another if her man expects it. Maybe we should expect ya’ll to have a bigger penis with less ego.

  5. 25
    DS1

    Not sure, but I might stick with the boyfriend (as we have the right to disagree).  I am sorry, but I hear only one side of the story. I believe we do not have enough info to take a clear opinion.  First, Anne did not says how much she earns and how much he earns. She did not says how much is each contributing and spending for their relationship and their life style. I need more data to have a say.  She says that he is very tight when is about spending money but mentioned that she does not have any expectations  about it. So does she have an expectation or not? And letting him be the man (read “the provider”)   and complaining about it (yes, that’s a complain) means that she has expectations. Very insincere!

     

    Next, Anne  does not says much about personal and  financial situation of her partner. Does he have mortgage/study loan (yes, there are people who pay the study loan when they are in their sixties). Does he have children (former spouse) from previous relationships to support? Does he have few  money for retirement stage? I thing that the situation  on her boyfriend is mentioned in general but is not at all  clear!

     

    He is looking down on her?  And the  relationship started six  6 months ago and Ann already says “truly say he is my biggest love that I ever could experience in my life“. I believe she is  deceiving  herself. It is  just a relationship, a middle-term one (from my view).    They did not have any financial agreement so what is the point? Why is the biggest love? Just because a person with an Associate Degree meets a PhD? What do they have in common? She  doesn’t  say.  

     

    But I believe she wants to   move in and stay with him and she is not sure about it. She expects to be taken care of and she is still  financial  fragile. And for a 6  month relationship, I believe that the man feels that has the right to have a say. Clearly he does not believe the same she does. She should discuss with him a financial plan. But she does not have any. She just complain about his financial plan but does not come up with any idea.

     

    To me this is suspicious. I disagree with EMK.  First I believe Ann tactics are kind of passive-aggressive  tactics. And I believe she wants to make him feel guilty about it. Yes, I know  all kind of manipulations and I know these tricks and how they work.  I think she should have more  realistic  expectations and cool down. If I would be her boyfriend I would be worry.  

     

     

     

  6. 26
    Dawn

    I’m 43 and I am 5 classes shy of earning my Bachelor’s Degree. I went back for myself. I am a single parent with two 17 year olds… who also need financial support. And I work my tail off. I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years, the boyfriend is 49, hard worker, very smart, he is also in a lot of debt, got into some financial trouble with his last business, and still supports 3 kids (two adults, and one 15 year old) and sometimes his ex wife. In the beginning, he came across as if he wanted to support me financially, at least in a way where I could work whatever job I wanted, well, not the case anymore since his ex wife keeps hitting him up for cash. Now, he’s ‘coaching’ Me on how to earn 100k or more, and telling me what type of job I need to earn that kind of income. Not to mention, we were supposed to get engaged, doesn’t look like that’s happening anytime soon. I bought a car in my name for him and a business, because his credit is shot. He paid the car off and is now in his name, due to me encouraging him to do so. I have done nothing but support him, help cook and clean up his home so he can go work and do what he needs to, as well as me cleaning/cooking at my own house. And I don’t not have a ‘wife’ title.

    The more he talks about me earning more in a career that doesn’t interest me, I stopped exerting my energy in his direction. I gave up the idea of marriage with him and think I just need to find a better man (my mother’s words).

    Men: it’s not that us ladies are gold diggers, some are, but a lot of us aren’t. We don’t mind going to work, but we also want and need to feel like ‘ladies’, not slaves. We want to feel pretty for you when we come home, not washed-out with dark circles under our eyes from working our tushes off. We want to feel energized so we can support you, our kids, and love you up after you’ve been working hard all day. We are wired different. I wish my boyfriend was okay with me bringing in an income between 50-80k, at a job I really enjoy doing. Nowadays, good health benefits are hard to come by. I don’t see any issue if he was the main bread winner and I accepted a position at 60-65k, but with excellent healthcare to help us both. But, I’m feeling exhausted and alone in my relationship, like I don’t have a partner. And I’m ready to walk. His income expectations of me… I might as well be alone, I want to enjoy the work I do so I come home happy and still able to cook (which I enjoy doing) and take care of my family. But, I’m not a man… I want to feel like a woman and feel taken care of. I don’t want to have to hustle and grind at a job I hate because he thinks that’s what I should do. It puts the pressure on, and it takes joy out of the relationship and we’ll look at you different and start to build resentment. My boyfriend did a 180 on his views about ‘taking care of me’ because his ex wife makes no money, and is demanding from him. I told him that maybe he needs to encourage her to get a better job, not expect me to make up for it with a higher income. I don’t think men should ever put these expectations and pressures on a woman. It ruins the relationship and we start to look down on men as a result. Even if we are earning 100k, we still want to feel taken care of. A woman who supplements the income in a relationship and does her best to be a supportive, loving partner, should be plenty. And if a man wants more, he needs to keep it moving and find a better job himself and a woman who meets the financial earning requirements he’s looking for, and we need to move on from men who expect so much in return.

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