How Can I Be Confident When I’m Losing The Love Of My Life?

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years and have been living together for 2.   I had been seeing some signs that he was not happy anymore but I just tried to always be cheery and helpful and make sure to be there for him when he needed me.

Two months ago he tells me that he does not want to live together anymore. He says that he has gone cold-hearted and doesn’t feel the same as he used to. This is earth shattering for me since he had just told me a few months before this that he had asked my father for his permission for my hand in marriage over Christmas. I thought things were slowly heading in the direction that I thought we both wanted.

Well, now it is moving time. I will be in my new place at the end of the month and he will be moving out next week. I just am so lost. I truly believe with my whole heart and soul that he is my soul mate. I cannot imagine my life without him in it. He told me last week when I came back from a work trip in NYC that for us to work that he really needs to see me be self-reliant, focus on my goals and (he didn’t out-right say this but) to stop being so insecure about myself.

I have never been so insecure in my life than I am right now. I feel as though I am losing the love of my life and I have no where to turn. I will be filling up my schedule very soon with going back to school and work is getting busier and busier- but the thing is that none of my goals seem worth it without him to come home to. What can I do to get our relationship back on track and rekindle that overwhelming fire that we once shared?

Thanks,
Leta

Leta,

I’m gonna make this short. I’m gonna make this sweet. I’m gonna help you move on.

But this reality check is gonna sting a little bit. Ready?

He is not your soul mate.

He is not the love of your life.

You have plenty of places to turn.

You can imagine your life without him.

You will get over him.

You will fill up that hole in your life where he used to be.

Everyone has found someone who they thought was “the one” who turned out not to be the one. Everyone.

And, most importantly, you do NOT want to “get your relationship back on track and rekindle that overwhelming fire you once shared. “ Holy shit! Just reading that sentence makes me want to tie you to the bed until your senses have returned.

So how do I know all of this? I don’t know you. I don’t know him. How can I possibly understand the intensity of the love you shared? Aren’t I underestimating the connection you’re feeling? What if there’s no other man like this on the planet?

I know all of these things (as does everyone else reading this, by the way), not because I’m omniscient or arrogant, but because that’s life.

Everyone has found someone who they thought was “the one” who turned out not to be the one. Everyone.

Unfortunately, you’re experiencing this right now, which is undoubtedly painful and confusing, which is why you have to rely on cooler heads to set you straight.

You ever hear the phrase, “Love is blind”? Well, your love was blind. It was based on passion, not reality. Once again, how do I know this?

You moved in with your guy after six months. That’s not something people generally do when they’re thinking clearly. That’s something people do when they’re blinded by their belief that they’ve found soul mate love. And then they do everything in their power to preserve their soul mate love, even though it’s not meant to be preserved.

So, how do I know that it’s not meant to be preserved?

The second you let go of your ex is the second you can open up lasting love.

Because your “soul mate” didn’t want to preserve it! You’ve said so yourself!

I had been seeing some signs that he was not happy anymore.

Two months ago he tells me that he does not want to live together anymore. He says that he has gone cold-hearted and doesn’t feel the same as he used to.

I will be in my new place at the end of the month and he will be moving out next week.

He told me to stop being so insecure about myself.

It seems that, unlike you, your boyfriend has stopped coasting on your glorious first 6 months and has begun to see you more objectively. And, for whatever it’s worth, he sees you as weak and insecure. I’m not saying he’s right. I’m saying that this is the way he feels. Objectively, he needs a different woman to make him happy.

This is his right. Similarly, it’s your right — and mandate — to find a different man who is willing to put up with your faults, loves you unconditionally and never wants to leave you.

I know that’s hard to hear, since you want HIM, but if HE doesn’t want YOU, it doesn’t matter. Your ex-boyfriend is NOT your future husband.

But I can tell you one thing that should make you smile:

The second you let go of your ex is the second you can open up to lasting love.

I promise.

Thank you for your question, Leta. And if anyone else is reading Leta’s question and identifying with the painful process of moving on from your ex, please check out my bestselling eBook, “Why He Disappeared”.

You won’t be sorry.

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Anon

    Kiki, you were deadpan correct on all points to Karl about the string along harming woman more than men. All  of your rationale was true. Hooking up Smart blog Susan W. is petrified of women getting dumped, racking up failures and being single too long. The ENTIRE BLOG is an Ivy League strategist & SWOT analysis on how to get married and avoid being dumped. You are getting the message loud and clear, and your post rang true,  no need to  back peddle when other people challenge you.

  2. 42
    Karl T

    Rose #38,
    Not a chance!!!!   A guy might string a woman along if he is having sex with her and not in a relationship.   Perhaps he is telling her he eventually wants a relationship, but not right now, but he keeps telling her this so he can continue to have sex with her.   That would be an example of stringing someone along.   No way in hell is he going to remain in a relationship where he’s taking the girl out, buying her things, sharing holidays, and putting in tons of his time just to get sex from the girl.
    So, in Kim #14,s example there is no way this guy is guilty of this.   Like I said that is a crock and just a lame excuse to be mad at the guy for dumping her.   Falling out of love or becoming not so sure of someone is purely reasonable and is NOT stringing someone along.

  3. 43
    Zara

    Men don’t string women along, women choose to stay in relationships with men who do not share their values and do not met their needs. If you want to be married and have children share this with the man you are dating. If he doesn’t share the same dream move on, keep your opitions open till you met a man who cherishs you and wants to build a future with you. Alot of men are future fakers, … But I’ve observed men always tell you the truth … About wanting marriage and children .., most women choose to ignore it … And hope he will change his mind.  

  4. 44
    Goldie

    @ Karl T $42,
      
    ” No way in hell is he going to remain in a relationship where he’s taking the girl out, buying her things, sharing holidays, and putting in tons of his time just to get sex from the girl.”
      
    You do know that a man can live with a woman, or be married to the woman, and not be doing any of those things? A lot of guys would stay in a relationship or marriage just to maintain the status quo, have someone in the house to cook and clean, not have to split the bank accounts and sell the house, etc etc.

  5. 45
    starthrower68

    Agreed Zara. One must be watchful for clues. I’m not saying give him the inquisition or attach a bad motive to everything a man does. As a matter of fact I don’t think the majority of people are that intentional. But people will reveal themselves and all you can do is be an astute observer. Where I believe we get into trouble is our inability to quiet the “I want I think I feel” inner chatter so that we can simply be still and observed. We have to train ourselves to do so. I am not without compassion for the OP; rejection can feel like a betrayal even if it isn’t.   But it’s a learning process, no?

  6. 46
    Rose

    Karl not all men string women along. Some do though. How do I know this?
    I have known men in real life who are living with women, where the women believe they are in a life partnership and are on the way to getting full comiittiment and marraige and babies. Some even already have children together and are living together. But the men will not commit and marry. The women do not know the real men, they hide who they really are. They have felt comfortable enough to open up to me and confide in me. I see the real them.
    And the men in question were having affairs behind these womens backs. These men were are stringing these women along Karl. It does happen. They have no intention of ever fully committing to these women. But do not tell the women they are with that.   They fear being alone but do not want to fully commit. They are scared of real intimacy and committiment and conflict. How do I know because they have opened up to me and told the truth whlst lying to the women they are living with. They admit tell the women what they want to hear to get what that want in the moment.

  7. 47
    Rose

    The women believe they are in a real relationship with these men. They are living with them and do not know they are being lied to.
    The men are not in a real relationships with them   As they are not being their real selves and being   and honest. They are fake relationships based on lies deceit and manipulation in order to get what they want in the moment   knowingly deceiving someone else, so are stringing them along.
    You said yourself some men do something similar Tell women they will be sexclusive and their boyfriend to get sex with them and hide that they are still looking for other women whislt with them.
    These men just take it one step futher they move in with them because it is cheaper finacially and they get to have someone there with them on their terms when they want. Have sex on tap on their terms when they want, sneak around and have affairs when they want etc etc. They are master manipulators.
      

  8. 48
    Robyn

    “A lot of guys would stay in a relationship or marriage just to maintain the status quo, have someone in the house to cook and clean, not have to split the bank accounts and sell the house, etc etc.”
    This is why – in my personal opinion – it is NOT a good idea for a woman to move in & merge households with a man until you are formally engaged and have set a wedding date, and you have negotiated and finalized your pre-nup and agreed on your plan/expectations for married life.
    If you move in with a man before the above steps have been completed, then you run a way bigger risk of ending up living with a man who is not on the path to marriage and/or who has views on marriage that are incompatible with yours.
    I learned this lesson the hard way, from unfortunate personal experience with my ex-fiance.
      
      
      
      

  9. 49
    starthrower68

    I think there are plenty of men who have had women do the same to them.   There are plenary of bad actors out there.   I have a personal policy of not living with someone outside of marriage but then I like my space. I turned down a relationship with someone who wanted the benefits of marriage without marriage. He was not a bad man. On the contrary, I like him a lot. But I knew it would be an exercise in futility to shack up and hope for him to change.   I had to stick by my guns. I don’t regret letting it go.

  10. 50
    Goldie

    @ Robyn: “This is why — in my personal opinion — it is NOT a good idea for a woman to move in & merge households with a man until you are formally engaged and have set a wedding date, and you have negotiated and finalized your pre-nup and agreed on your plan/expectations for married life.”
      
    Agree, though of course, depending on what one wants out of a relationship, some of the items on this list might be optional. (For example, I would not want a wedding date, unless my partner is dying to have one, but would definitely want to make sure that we’re on the same page re our expectations for life together.)
      
    I had this experience with my ex-husband. Towards the end (shortly after our 18th anniversary) he surprised me by saying that, even though our marriage, in his opinion, generally sucked and the love was long gone, that he wanted to stay together indefinitely and not change a thing, because “no marriage is perfect anyway, so why bother”. I hired a divorce attorney a week later, and moved out a month later, because to me, when my partner says things like these, that’s the end of the road.

  11. 51
    Karmic Equation

    @Rose
      
    How sad for those women. And for you to have to be the unwilling confidant.
      
    I will have to agree with Zara though. Those women are equally unwilling to face the truth. Additionally, they had children with those men of their own volition. They chose their path. They chose unwisely. The women are MORE to blame for staying in those relationships than the man. Why? Because SHE knows she’s not getting her needs met, yet she stays. The man’s needs ARE being met. He’d be a fool to leave.
      
    The men are at fault for lying; the women are at fault for staying. Those women need to exit those relationships if they’re not happy. If they’re happy because they choose to believe lies, that’s on the women. They have intuition. They know something’s wrong, but they keep their heads buried in the sand. The women are doing their part to maintain the status quo.

  12. 52
    Joe

    “makes me want to tie you to the bed”
      
    Evan, what does your wife have to say? 😉

    (She trusts me, has sense of humor and doesn’t take everything literally, so I’m pretty sure she’d say nothing – EMK)

  13. 53
    starthrower68

    Pain is an inescapable part of life; however, out choices determine if pain is minimized or maximized. Anybody is free to do anything they want as long as long as they are willing to take the consequences.   I’d like to believe we are all owed respect but I’m not even sure of that in today’s world.   This is why I like EMK’s advice to watch what he does; if you like it stay and if you don’t leave. It’s concise, clean, to the point, matter of fact, and saves a ton of drama. Watching what a guy does is not suspicion, it’s wisdom. It lets you control what you can and have peace about the rest, and gives an exit strategy that isn’t messy. Very liberating to me.

  14. 54
    Zara

    Rose I doubt these women have no idea, maybe they feel ashamed and don’t want to talk about it. they stay cause they don’t want leave … Maybe it’s money, the house security, nice car and lifestyle Partner to raise kids with.Regardless we must take responsibility for our own life.  

  15. 55
    Yuri

    I’m probably going to say some things that are not well-received…so be it.

    As a woman, I’ve been in a relationship that lasted a few years.   I was in love as people tend to be.   But it fell apart…as these things have a way of going.   But I never lost sight of myself or my goals or my confidence.   I never thought I was less of a person for it.   I was upset, yes, but I didn’t want that relationship back.   I don’t look back.   You can’t look ahead if you’re too busy focusing on what’s behind you.
    I see women here saying that men have strung them along.   I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but men really hate dealing with emotional issues.   There are a handful of men that can, but otherwise, they would rather avoid the confrontation that comes with saying, “I don’t want to be with you.”   Most likely, he knew far in advance he didn’t want to be with you…it just took him this long to let you know.   Nobody wants to go to the DMV, but if you need a new license, you suck it up and go.   Eventually, he has to suck it up and own up to the fact that he can’t commit his entire life to you.   He finally reached his make or break point, and he knew for sure it’s not what he wanted.   He didn’t mean to hurt you or waste your time.   He just didn’t know how to implement the task at hand.
      
    And I know it seems like he’s a jerk for saying she should be self-reliant and more confident…but…let’s be honest…How many times do men and women use the standard, “It’s not me, it’s you.”   That’s basically the biggest cop-out in the world of dating.   Because seriously…do you sincerely believe that people frequently break up with someone they desperately want to be with because they have problems?   No, no, no.   He told you how he felt.   That’s honesty.   Less-than-tactful honesty, but honesty nonetheless.   And sorry, but women don’t generally appreciate honesty.   They want a sugar-coated version of the truth.   Because the truth really hurts sometimes.

    I’m not saying it’s all on you, you, you…but…you’re not a match.   He told you why you’re not a match.   This happens.   You will realize that sometimes people just aren’t meant to be.   It’s devastating, yes.   You’ve invested so much time, yes…But do you really want to invest more time thinking about it than walking away and starting anew?
    It doesn’t mean you’re hopelessly flawed.   Why does your self-confidence have to suffer?   If one man can break your self-confidence so easily, then I wonder how strong it was to begin with.

  16. 56
    starthrower68

    Yuri, I tend to agree with you.   That’s why I’m a fan of maintaining some detachment and emotional distant until you have a much clearer picture of where things stand. I do not equate that with being cold, but merely staying objective in order to astutely observe the cues that are given.   If our emotions are only getting in our way, then this seems to be a better way to function.

    1. 56.1
      Christina

      Totally agree Yuri and starthrower68.

      Both parties have the option to step out of the relationship at any one point. Usually incompatibilities come to light over time, it’s not stringing someone along if you point out certain incompatibilities when you know it. Plenty of people take the easy way out when breaking up – it’s me not you, I need to find myself, I don’t want to get married, etc. When it reaches this point, most can’t be bothered to explain further, out of kindness or simply can’t be bothered.   Chances are they tried to bring it up earlier and nothing changed anyway.

      It is wise advice to  stay objective in order to astutely observe the cues that are given. It would weed out the insincere ones. Most men and women aren’t assholes, you can tell from their actions how interested they are in you. It’s the words and the fairytales that lead women to believe in what is not there. Similarly for men.  

       

       

  17. 57
    DT

    Because a man has been with a woman for a few years and decides to leave her he’s not necessarily stringing her along.   He may have been ambivalent, hoping things would get better, she would change or his feelings for her would change-only to realize it won’t happen.   But there are men who do string women along for sex.   But in those instances it’s so obvious judging by the mediocre, half-assed  way the man treats her, it becomes her fault for putting up with someone who clearly doesn’t care.     It’s  been said already.   But try telling one of the women being mistreated this and  she  perceives  it as  an insult.    They seem to think being told, “you’re be treated badly and I don’t think he likes you the way you deserve to be treated” equates to, “there’s something wrong with you as a person for  not making him like you”.    Because if they think  if they do so and so, he will like her, and it’s some kind of personal failure to not make this happen.   In the letter writer’s  case it didn’t seem like he mistreated her over time but he did tell her flat out he doesn’t want to be with her.   Reminds me  of my former neighbor from Korea who in her 40’s,  lusting after her professor who she was having a sexual relationship with, was convinced because she had such strong feelings for him  it could only  mean he felt the  same way, he had to, according to her. She believed, he just hadn’t figured it out yet, and in time would want a real relationship-you guessed it, he never did.             

  18. 58
    Sparkling Emerald

    http://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/the-good-life-when-men-waste-womens-time/
    Here’s an alternate male POV on “string women along”
    Here’s a quote from the article “I’m calling to task the men who have been on the fence since very early in the relationship, and yet stay in that same position for years on end, and then finally call it off later for the same misgivings they had years earlier.”
    I agree that ambivalence, or the hope or desire that they will learn to live with the misgivings, or that the other person will change, can explain a relatively short “string along” period, but when someone stays in a relationship for years, and years, then they are just staying for the sake of convenience.   (Not just sex, but all the other benefits, whatever labor/financial resources the other person contributes, etc)  
    I agree that they should cut them off at some point (not give someone decades on the fence) but that is hard for a person in love.   The person who loves the LEAST has the most power.   So no matter who is stringing who along (women do this to men also), while I agree that the person who wants a commitment should end things and move on, I do place more fault on the person in the relationship who has more power, for abusing that power.

      
      

  19. 59
    Kiki

    @Sparkling Emerald 58,
    thanks a lot for posting, the article and the whole website seem very interesting.   A read a few things there, they seem suspiciously similar to my views to be written by a man :-).
      

  20. 60
    marymary

    Sparkling
    I also think people are too scared to break up. It’s not only about the benefits though I guess they get the benefit of avoiding conflict.

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