How Can I Make an Inconsistent Man Act More Consistently?

I will cut right to the chase. I screwed up and didn’t follow your mirroring advice and now I find myself in a bit of a jam. 

I have been in love with a man for a good six years now, and though we were in a relationship for a while, the timing was never quite right. We reconnected a year ago and talked incessantly, but again, the timing was off, we were both seeing other people and stopped communicating. We are both single now, and while I was back in the area, we met up for dinner and ended up having sex. I am moving back for work in May and was thrilled that the timing finally seemed like it might be right for us.

He texted me that night thanking me for an incredible evening. I responded in kind and texted the next morning. I am ashamed to admit I texted him again the next couple days as well. He did respond briefly, but indicated work was very hectic.

I have since backed off. It has been a couple weeks now. He did text me on Monday, but just briefly saying he would love to call, which he didn’t. I asked him about it the next day and he said he was very busy with work and didn’t mean to hurt my feelings.

I feel so confused now. He is someone I feel very strongly about and haven’t been able to let go of. Is there any way to fix pushing a man away after failing to mirror him and being too aggressive? Or is this a lost cause?

Holly

This is just like last week’s post where a woman dated a guy who wanted to be her boyfriend until he didn’t. She got angry and upset and tried blaming everyone involved, including herself.

What she didn’t do is consider just how very common it is for people to dive into a relationship, only to determine it’s not right, for whatever reason.

What she didn’t do is consider just how very common it is for people to dive into a relationship, only to determine it’s not right, for whatever reason.

So let’s look at your situation, Holly, which, is even worse than last week’s situation for the following reasons:

    a. It’s been SIX years. If your car didn’t start for six years, I hope you’d buy a new one. If something isn’t working after six years, it should probably be abandoned.
    b. You’re “in love” with him, which means that you probably lack objectivity about him and are willing to bend over backwards to make things work.
    c. You explain the fact that you’re not together with passive things like “timing,” and “seeing other people.” I explain them by the fact that he is not in love with you and doesn’t want to be your husband.

I know this because he is not your husband after 6 years. I don’t need much more evidence.

But evidently you do, Holly.

Mirroring was created as a method to stop insecure women from chasing down men during the first month of their courtship. That’s all.

So let’s dispense with the fiction that somehow, the thing that finally drove your future husband away was that you didn’t follow my “mirroring” rules. Mirroring was created as a method to stop insecure women from chasing down men during the first month of their courtship. That’s all.

Your texting has absolutely no bearing on your future with him.

Look at his inconsistent behavior for the past six years and you’ve got all the evidence you need to see why this is a lost cause. Please don’t ignore it this time.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Clare

    I’d say Holly has a bigger problem than this lost cause of a relationship: her low self-esteem.

    Just look at the language she uses: “I’m ashamed to say…”, “after failing to mirror him and being too aggressive…

    Anyone would swear the poor woman was some toady grovelling to swear fealty to her master. Sorry, Holly, but that’s just how that language struck me.

    Not as a strong, self-confident woman assured of her own value and worth, who is trying to decide if this relationship might be something that adds to her life and brings her love and joy.

    I know this because this is how I used to talk and how I used to think about myself. I used to think that, as soon as I liked a man, that was my cue to jump through hoops and play perfect and become solely fixated on how I could get him to like me. And then, one day, I got a big ol’ wake-up call. It doesn’t work like that.

    Holly, is this “relationship,” or whatever it is, actually working for you? Because it sounds like it’s making you anxious and miserable. Let it go. Don’t worry about what you did or didn’t do to scare him off… it’s not important.

    Start to see yourself as a valuable, beautiful woman who will decide whether a man is someone you want to spend time with and speak to; when you see yourself that way, so will other people.

  2. 2
    No Name To Give

    We can’t make anyone do anything. If this man didn’t move heaven and Earth to be with you the previous 6 years, he will not do so now. I’m afraid love is very much one-sided here. Maybe you’re in love with the idea of him. It’s time to cut your losses and move on. Not the answer you wanted, but it is the one you needed.

  3. 3
    Karen

    Holly you deserve love, this ‘situationship’  has been going on for far too long. You’ve invested far too much energy and years into this man. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but look at what you have gained? I myself was in a similar situation 4 years ago, fortunately I shook myself free after 18months. I realised that I cannot control the other person, only myself and the ‘ one day’ scenario I was hoping for did not exist with this individual. I wish you the best n the future.

  4. 4
    Malika

    I had a situationship like this that dragged on for yeeeeears! The romantic feelings and will we-won’t me aspect of it kept me on the hook. Evan nails it when he says you are in love and would thereforebend over backwards to make it work. It’s sobering but far better to cut your losses and move on. If he wanted to make it happen, he would make more effort. His actions, or lack of them, are staring you in the face. Just because we feel a certain way, that doesn’t mean those feelings will be reciprocated. Give yourself time to mourn ( situationships also need processing) and focus on someone else. 

  5. 5
    Christine

    I wasted many years on a man who acted much like this. He would never commit to me and popped in and out of my life when he wanted. I eventually met and married a wonderful man. I learnt my lesson the hard way, please cut him off and find someone worthy of you.

  6. 6
    Kelly

    Holly,

    Echoing everyone else here, please drop this man and find someone who doesn’t leave you hanging like this. In that order. I would advise cutting all contact, as well, as it will help you heal much faster.

  7. 7
    Adam Smith

    Listen to Marika and Kelly here. The irony is if this guy fully committed you’d likely lose interest quickly:)

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