My Ex-Boyfriend Recently Contacted Me, But I Am In A Serious Relationship.

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Evan,

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over two years now. We live together, plan to have a house in the next year, and get married. But recently an ex-boyfriend got in contact with me that I haven’t seen in about three years.

What is very confusing for me is that I fell hard for my ex and everything was going fine and then he dumped me out of the blue. It was a pretty good, clean break, and I accepted it and moved on but there was one problem, I was pregnant.

Many people would say he was a typical guy, but he wasn’t. He lost his virginity to me, and that’s impressive seeing that he was well into his twenties! He told me he was afraid of what we would be and I believed him. He was obviously not ready to have a child, and apparently not ready to break a promise to himself that not many men make. I tried to talk with him until I lost the baby due to complications. Ever since then I try to never look back. I never talk about the daughter I once had and lost, even with my boyfriend now.

Basically, I have no idea what my ex wants. Why would he contact me out of the blue and ask for casual conversation? He hasn’t even brought up the fact that he basically left when I was going through all that horrifying stuff. It makes me hurt and I want to ask him why he did that. I’m also afraid that my current boyfriend will be hurt that I still care. Most importantly, does he really want to know what I am up to or does he want more? I’m afraid to ask.

-Definitely Confused

Dear DC,

Let me share with you that your feelings of confusion are normal.

Let me share with you also that your feelings of confusion are also highly destructive.

Read your letter again. It’s like you’re the poster child for bright, emotionally irrational women everywhere…

You live with your boyfriend, you’re buying a house, you have marriage on the horizon…and you’re seriously contemplating what to do with the guy who dumped you when you were pregnant?

Read your letter again. It’s like you’re the poster child for bright, emotionally irrational women everywhere — the ones who let their strong sentiments for a toxic man cloud their judgment so thoroughly that they seriously consider undermining a healthy relationship.

I could only imagine if my wife were the same way. After all, in late 2009, she got a call from her serious ex-boyfriend from nearly 15 years ago. (I think this one cheated on her; I’ve lost track). Anyway, he was just “checking in” to see how she was doing. This is not-so-thinly veiled code for “My life hasn’t gone according to plan, so please let me know if you’re still single, because if you are, I’d like to start sleeping with you as soon as possible”. And, in fact, as soon as my wife informed her ex that she was happily married, he didn’t see fit to continue the conversation much longer. So much for “getting back in touch.”

Your best revenge is your own happiness — not getting closure from some dick who couldn’t stick by you during your most trying hours.

Remember, guys are simple and guys are selfish. And if all it takes is a phone call out of the blue to make you second guess your entire healthy relationship, who’s to blame your ex for trying? Best case fictional scenario for you: the ex says that you’ve been weighing on his conscience and he wants to apologize for all the pain he caused you and wish you well in your new life. But that’s pure fantasy. A more realistic scenario would be the one in which he gets you to cheat on your boyfriend without actually leaving him (that way he won’t have to deal with those sticky commitment issues). And after a few rolls in the hay and after destroying your ability to trust yourself, he goes back to his old ways and disappears into the night.

Be smart, DC. Tell your ex that you wish him well but that you’re in a happy relationship and have no desire to see him again. Your best revenge is your own happiness — not getting closure from some dick who couldn’t stick by you during your most trying hours.

For your own sake, sweetie, let it rest.

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Comments:

  1. 141
    Demi

    Oh… to add to my previous post.   I think closure is way over-rated.   You have to do whatever you can to heal and move on all on your own.   Closure doesn’t change what happened and what already is.   Hearing from my ex I feel, only made me feel worse because it brought up bad feelings, and I question his sincerity and the reason for contacting me to begin with, after so long.   On the other hand, I have to admit, it did give me a little ego boost… but unless the guy comes crawling back at my door with a nice rock… it doesn’t mean a darn thing.   Even then, I’d still question his motives.   LOL!

  2. 142
    Susan

    I gave my ex-boyfriend too many chances, and he dumped me a month ago.   So, I’m the one who came up “on the short end of the stick”.   I put up with his **** too many times, and now he’s happy because he is now back with his wife (he was separated when I met him, and he indicated that he was going to get a divorce.     I wasn’t planning to marry him, however, I wish he could have been honest with me instead of leading me on.   Friends warned me to not wait for him to dump me, but to go out with other men to determine what I wanted.   Oh well, too late now.   Screwed once shame on me.   Screwed twice shame on you.

  3. 143
    Julie

    Someone once gave me great advice. It was ‘when you’re out, stay out’. Because inevitably those toxic exes come back – they’re silly but they think, ridiculously, that we are right in the same place/situation in life where they left us – and usually expect to pick right back up where they left off. Usually, nothing has changed other than that they’re hoping you’ve ‘gotten over’ whatever it was he did last time you were together. So unless you want your own personal version of ‘Groundhog Day’, stay out if you even think for a second there is the possibility he’s angling for a Round 2.

    Second, personally I would not even respond to his overtures. You owe him nothing after how he treated you, not even an update on your wonderful life. He forfeited the right to have a window seat into that when he dumped you. The admission price is too high now. Nah, nix that: there are no more tickets for sale at all.

    Again, another great piece of advice I received: “Silence screams”.   No response at all will tell him far more than all the words you could ever say at this point. You don’t even owe him the words ‘eff off’.

    You’ve worked hard to get over him, past the dark time in your life and to bring something good to it. Protect that wonderful life you’ve built with something special – and   yourself – by ignoring him.

     

     

     

     

    1. 143.1
      Severina

      “Silence screams” is excellent advice indeed.

  4. 144
    Dumped

    I am a new  to this site  (obviously )and got a lot out of all the posts by the men and the women and Evan.  I can relate to both.   I am in my early 60’s and my ex-bf as well.   We were together 8 years and he dumped me out of the blue  after we had an arguement 8 months ago.   We have had worse arguements.   He was drunk and stoned and said some really mean things to me.   Of course I was inappropriate and said some mean things back because I was tired of him blaming things on me all of the time.   Yes, I am one of “those” women that put up with his “s***” for quite a while.   I had asked him for a ring to show that we had a committed relationship after all the time we were together.  I didn’t want to move in or get married…  He  replied “there is no f-ing way”.   My “big clue” he was never that into me, but kept me around for sex, gifts, trips,etc.   Yeah…. I was waaay stupid.       I am not going to bore you with all the other BS because it WAS my fault that I stayed.   He will not answer my texts, and has now blocked me from texting and calling….and NO I was not a constant text-er.   I did all the NO CONTACT crap for 60 days and 90 days and it doesn’t matter.   I wrote him a heartfelt letter to get my “closure”.    Nothing…..no reply, zippo.   His closure was “get your s*** and get out” the night we argued.     Yes, I am in therapy and also now go to ALANON meetings because he is a high functioning alcoholic.   I learn new things about his behavior every day to overcome his way of  dumping   me.   Doing it when he was drunk and stoned instead of facing me an having an adult  conversation SOBER.   When my father was in the hospital in January for 2 weeks he never ONCE asked me how he was, or how I was doing or if there was anything he could do or maybe take me to dinner.   Of course not……I was IGNORING him by being with my dad and he was pouting about it.   It was difficult at first and now that time has passed, I see him for what he is.     If there are a thousand men in a a room, I will pick the d***head.   My bad.     Even at my age, nothing changes, but I am making strides to change what I will accept and not accept in a relationship and establish healthy boundaries.   He blocked me…….so what…….I blocked him too.     At the end of the day I have no one to blame but myself.     Who knows if he will ever try sniffing around again, I am moving on.   Not at the point of dating yet.    Someday. Maybe.   It isn’t easier the older you are and I am a “young” 60.     Since he dumped me, I  took a 10 day  vacation in Mexico for my birthday,  alone.   I am taking horseback riding lessons, took motorcycle riding lessons, got my concelaled carry permit, a self defense class and scuba is later this month.   It is all about ME now and not him.   His loss.    I feel sorry for the next woman he chooses.   He is twice divorced and his 2nd wife had an affair….. now I know why.     I have a life to get on with that doesn’t include him.

  5. 145
    Broken Hearted Man

    Hello – Everyone….

    Now let me get this straight.   You haven’t seen this ex boyfriend – in….   3 – years? 3 – years?

    I love how everybody is so judgemental, and assumes what this ex boyfriend is thinking, and the reason why he’s wanting contact.   If all of a sudden he’s now contacting her, this – after 3 – years, well…   I don’t think it’s to rekindle anything.   Maybe there’s some unanswered questions that the above reader, has not stated, like I said before, this is a one-sided story.   So he waited 3 years, maybe – till – that situation, plus everyone the new about the pregnancy (now we are assuming what the writer has said above), but maybe he’s letting things calm – down – because obviously people were upset, on the way he left… supposably – the – way he left, according to the writer above, correct!   Which is smart of him, if you ask me!   But we still don’t know why, and that’s the whole issue.

    This pregnancy story, why is she so – secretive with her new boyfriend about it? Now people think, maybe that’s why (the – Ex – boyfriend), is now coming back around, maybe seeking and wanting answers, maybe?   If the above writer is willing to hide things (like – a – pregnancy), from her new boyfriend…   what makes us not think, that she hasn’t hid anything from the previous ex-boyfriend, as well? Now you know where I’m getting at, with the story posted above, and three – years, come-on?

    I think there something, that wasn’t answered back then, and now maybe, he wants to know the truth, what’s wrong with that?   But again, remember… This is a one-sided story and we have to base this situation from the writer above, but I think we need more clarification from her as well, since it’s obvious that she’s-good-at-hiding – things.

    Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t like when people are so judgemental, and assume things without knowing the full story… yet!   That’s like judging a book by it’s cover!   That’s like assuming he’s guilty without a trial, proving that he really – is-maybe…. innocent!

    Even though it was a pretty good, clean – break, and she accepted it and moved on but there was one – problem, she – was – pregnant, right! That tends to mess with people’s feelings!   She tried to talk with him until she lost the baby due to complications.   Maybe you should just tell him that, period!   Then get on with your life, because

    basically you have no idea what your ex boyfriend wants (because that’s what you stated), so – find – out, so you can move on, and your new boyfriend should at least trust you.   If he doesn’t, then have him go with you (be there for support), when you decide to meet with this Ex boyfriend of yours.

    Now – Evan, I have a problem with this statement from – you.

    《”Your best revenge is your own happiness — not getting closure from some dick who couldn’t stick by you during your most trying hours.”》

    Why would you say something like this, especially when you (we), all of us, still don’t know the full – story from the writer above?   Name – dropping…. for-real?   Not – right!

  6. 146
    LaTrice

    I’m going through a similar situation myself, except there is no pregnancy involved. In December of last year (which was almost six months ago), my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend confronted me via telephone call. She demanded to know what was going on between the two of us, despite the fact that I wasn’t fully aware of being the “other woman.” Instead of answering her questions, I ended the conversation by hanging up on her. Since I didn’t owe her an explanation, she had NO BUSINESS confronting me. I blocked his phone number to end all communication. It was game over!!!!

    When we first met, my ex-boyfriend NEVER disclosed his relationship status. Although I did ask him from the beginning, I can’t control his actions. It wasn’t my fault that he lied. Even if I were to take him back, he’s going to cheat on me with someone else. I refuse to be insecure because of him. I was wasting my time getting to know someone who can’t be trusted.

    After the incident with his stupid girlfriend, he would text me once or twice a month. I ignored the text messages, since the damage was beyond repair. My ex-boyfriend knew that he screwed up, so an apology won’t fix anything.

    I moved on with my life, and currently in a relationship with someone else. At least my current boyfriend is honest, loyal, trustworthy and respectful.

  7. 147
    Christine

    I’ve gone through a similar scenario myself lately.   I’ve had not just one, but two exes suddenly contact me out of the blue via email.   In my case, though, I didn’t even hesitate about what to do.   I deleted them, without even reading them.   Then I enjoyed the rest of my day with the kind and loving guy I have now–who gives me the consistently good treatment they never would have given me.

    I really don’t care what they have to say, so I wasn’t interested in even reading them.   After years apart, I can’t think of one thing we’d have to say to each other, that’s worth my time.   I’d much rather spend my time and energy on the healthy relationship I have now.

  8. 148
    TheSame

    Evan is 100% right – when your ex calls you – for what ever reason – none of those reasons are good.

    I know you feel flustered, but please please do not ruin your current healthy and happy relationship over someone who is not worth it!

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