What You Can Do When Things Go Wrong In Love

What You Can Do When Things Go Wrong In Love
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I know you don’t read this blog to hear about me or my family.

You read this blog to learn something about men. Something about the human condition. Something that explains why bad things happen to good people.

But to me, any story can be extrapolated to something universal. It doesn’t matter if it’s an anecdote about me, my wife, or my private coaching clients — it all has to do with YOU.

So ask yourself what you would do, say, or think after getting suddenly axed by the same guy who wanted to commit to you only 10 days earlier?

If you’re like ANYBODY, you’d be pretty darned surprised and disappointed.

Given that 99% of men are definitely NOT your future husband, getting upset when this proves to be true is like getting upset that you didn’t win the Powerball.

But if you’re me, a professional dating coach who sees this every day, you’re not at all surprised or disappointed by what happened.

Before you accuse me of being callous, allow me to explain:

How many times in your life have you been in love? Two? Three? Four?

How many of those relationships lasted? Um, zero. (Widows are excused from this exercise.)

What percent of men are cute, successful, smart, kind, funny, compatible and emotionally available for a relationship? (I’ll let you answer yourself.)

What percent of those amazing men also think YOU’RE cute, smart, kind, funny, compatible and emotionally available for a relationship? (Not as many as you’d like.)

When you look at all of these things together, without any emotion, you’ll see exactly what I see: the fact that ANY relationship gets off the ground is remarkable.

And, to the naked eye, FAILURE is the default setting in dating.

You heard me. Failure.

Now, to be clear: I’ve failed a LOT more than you have.

I’ve gone on over 300 dates and committed to probably fifteen “girlfriends” before getting married. Which is why I’m not too fazed by failure.

You shouldn’t be, either.

Given that 99% of men are definitely NOT your future husband, getting upset when this proves to be true is like getting upset that you didn’t win the Powerball. Yeah, it’s unfortunate, but it’s also quite predictable.

Which is why I want you to write this down on a post-it right this very second:

“No man is real until he’s your boyfriend.”

A cute photo, a winning profile, flirty emails, an incredible first date, intense chemistry, mind-blowing sex… NONE of these things mean he’s your boyfriend.

It’s not that you’re “wrong” to get excited about a promising man; it’s that, in 99% of instances, it’s premature and you set yourself up for heartbreak.

No man is real until he’s your boyfriend.

Your takeaway is to not get too emotionally involved when it comes to a guy with “potential”. Start getting excited when he’s taken his profile down, called you his girlfriend, met your family, and started making vacation plans for the summer.

The other bit of perspective I want to give you about the disappearing man is that his disappearance should not be all that disappointing.

a) This wasn’t personal
b) You didn’t lose your future husband, so why be disappointed?

Although your man initially pushed for immediate commitment, he had second thoughts. Reasonable second thoughts, I might add.

His flaking doesn’t mean he’s evil.

It means he leaped before he looked.

He shot first and asked questions later.

He over-promised and under-delivered.

In short, he screwed up and ended up hurting an innocent woman.

No one is at fault.

And if no one is at fault, there’s no value in beating yourself up about what you did “wrong”. The answer is nothing.

There’s no value in getting pissed at the disappearing man. He’s like a guy who was driving 90 mph on the freeway and missed his exit. He was so enthusiastic that he was oblivious to the fact that he wasn’t really ready to commit after 4 dates.

Finally, there’s no value in lamenting what “could have been”. It’s over. Move along.

The right guy will come along soon enough — and he will certainly not disappear the way the last guy did.

But the only way for this to happen is for my you to let go of your negativity, to let go of your fear of getting hurt, to let go of your frustration at the men who don’t write to you online, and to embrace the unknown of the dating process.

Put another way: if you quit dating, you don’t meet ANYBODY.

If you persevere, another cute man may waltz into your life this summer — and never want to leave.

“Never, never, never quit,” said Winston Churchill, and he’s 100% right.

The only thing you can do when things go wrong in love is to keep going.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Laura S.

    I live in an isolated TinyTown, disappearing isn’t an option for anyone. Remaining friends is mandatory. I have a wide circle of friends I casually date and 1 special man. He loves me and I love him, and no commitment yet. None of them are from the internet or the bar.

    Men who are infatuated and want to furiously pursue are slowed down and put in line. I’m not putting out to anybody. I am protecting my heart. When men care about my heart, I know. My special man cares about my heart.

    I haven’t gone past first meet with internet men. It feels too put-on and creepy to me. The men don’t behave the same way the guys I meet in person do, and their expectations are different.

    1. 21.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Sounds like there’s a LOT of misunderstanding about how to effectively date online. All this talk and fear of men who are interested in sex. Remember, men look for sex and find love. Don’t expect them to fall in love with your character on Date 1. Your job is to make it fun for him to pursue sex for a month or so, until he realizes he wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you. It’s not your job to tell him, “I don’t have sex until we’re in a relationship” on Date 1. That’s the fear speaking, and it’s certainly no man’s idea of a fun first date. So there’s nothing wrong with holding out for commitment before intercourse, but if you tell men, point blank, things like “my special man cares about my heart,” and “online daters are creepy,” you can’t be too surprised that men aren’t feeling a connection.

    2. 21.2
      angel

      Laura,

      To that I would just contribute that the men that you’re meeting online ARE the men that you then would potentially meet in person. In my particular area, many singles are turning to supplement connecting through dating websites. The man that you think is creepy online could be the one that you bump into at the TinyTown cafe and festival. Food for thought. In fact, I have a third date tonight with a man that I crossed paths with ONLINE over a year ago, then reconnected with organically through a party that my friend hosted! He pursued me and then asked for my phone number. Has called three times to ask me out. These are the same men that are out there walking around in TinyTown…. so the expectations that they have online are not going to be any different. That guy you met at the grocery store just doesn’t have it printed on his chest for you to see.

  2. 22
    SJZ

    I don’t say anything about wanting sex in a monogamous relationship on any of the initial dates. It just seems like the men I have dated assumed that it was going to happen on the first, second, or third date without any discussion at all. I suppose there is a better way of saying what I want. It is just sad that it is expected so soon in the dating venue.

    1. 22.1
      angel

      I agree. I think it doesn’t need to be stated. You show this by NOT having sex or putting yourself in a position early on where sex may happen. If they’re bold about it and plain out ask, then roll into your no casual sex/commitment only speech. Be prepared to handle if they suddenly want to call you their girlfriend, though, as that may be a ploy to have sex.

  3. 23
    Mia

    Sjz, who are you going out with? No guy has ever pushed me for sex on dates 1-3- they might ask to come up, but nothing pushy.

    There are several factors at play that make dating more difficult for women than men. Let’s say that men are looking for sex – well, most single women are going to have sex with 2-3 new guys a year because we have sexual needs too, and waiting for a bf every time would mean going years without it. HOWEVER, most men are not inclined to want to seek a relationship with 2-3 women a year– it might be 3 in their entire adulthood. So men automatically have a greater market for what they want.

    Second, like many women, if I don’t like a guy I’m not sleeping with him, going on more than 3 dates with him, not mentioning the future or making big promises, not smiling, flirting, etc. I’m rarely pursued by men I don’t like bc they get the strong friend vibe from me right away if I don’t like them – nobody is being led on. The opposite happens all the time to girls.

    Yes , Ive rejected a number of men, but hardly any when there was an emotional investment. I’m rejecting guys I don’t know who hassle me at bars or in the street, and the reason is often that they make me extremely uncomfortable with overt sexual neediness, the types that tell me I’m hot and make no effort to see me as a human being. If a man considers THAT rejection that hurts , I’m shocked – it doesn’t count in my mind.

    Meanwhile, I’M dealing with guys who wait til the 9 th date to mention they don’t want anything serious, who wait til the sixth date to say they don’t believe in sex before marriage but then ask for a bj, who after eight dates go on vacation for 2 weeks without calling or mentioning it beforehand, and kind of fade out.

    Men who think cute younger girls have it easy in dating should consider this : think of the hottest girl you’ve seen out at a bar. Let’s even say she’s a nice girl. Chances are, even if you could get her, you’d enjoy seeing her and sleeping with her for 1-2 months, rather than wanting to commit to her forever. You get my drift?

    1. 23.1
      CC

      Mia, I think you totally got it right. SEx for 3-4 months then a break up is a success story for most guys. Women count this in the failure category. The last guy I dated (slept with), well, actually the guy before the one I’m with now who will break up with me when he gets the email I sent because he told me to “relax” when I was totally relaxed about some issue I am having with my roommate……Anyway, the guy before the current guy who I was totally smitten with even thought he kept telling me stories about    his problems with alcohol……he wanted me to keep sleeping with him without a “relationship” because he said it was the best sex he ever had……I broke up with him but told him to contact me if he ever wanted to give it a real try. Then met someone else who I don’t really care that much about but refuse to spend all kinds of time alone and without (mediocre) sex at LEAST, and like I said, that is probably on the dump heap. I wonder if the guy I had a crush on will ever contact me? I told him to F off when he went to a party that he didn’t invite me to, but got on the phone and told me all about it, after forgetting my upcoming (within a week ) birthday. I realized i should crazy, but I’m not and I like I said, I’d rather have this stupid crap going on than spend night after night alone or on the internet. DATING SUCKS

      1. 23.1.1
        CC

        I meant: sound crazy. But I”m not. The odds are just so low if you are normal

  4. 24
    SalsaQ

    @Evan 22

    Not all men look for sex and find love. I know you coach to what is effective with _most_ men, so I will keep that in mind.

    You talk about men not feeling a connection early on because of what we say. So are they looking for sex or a connection and love? Or is it not as black and white as _any_ man “looking for sex and finding love” ? I think for most men it is both.

    1. 24.1
      CC

      SalsaQ: I think they are looking for what we tell me to be looking for, like their mommies did, and its up to us to manipulate them into a relationship. Problem: intelligent authentic women resent this and want a man who wants a relationship. I’m going to try the latter and throw my integrity under the bus. I bet it works!

  5. 25
    Kathleen

    Thanks Evan !!I found the article encouraging and realistic. The timing is great since I was disappointed and bummed out recently but Im learning with each dating experience. I sure hope the guy is looking for sex otherwise Im not interested.LOL!! I get it about making it fun in the meantime…

    1. 25.1
      CC

      Yeah, well it doesn’t help to “learn” about this. It’s like learning about hummingbirds and thinking that will help you “catch” one.

  6. 26
    Michelle

    Sometimes you know exactly what to say at the exact right time. The “what’s wrong with me?”‘s have been crossing my mind and I read this and know “nothing”. So thank you once again for setting me straight.

  7. 27
    Christine

    Thanks Evan, I really needed that today. I’ve been feeling really down lately after just having a birthday and turning 33–I guess I had a mid-life crisis. There are many times I doubt that I can find love at this stage of my life. However, I’m just going to keep dusting myself off and trying again! The only other alternative is to resign ourselves to lives of quiet desperation (to paraphrase Thoreau) and that is simply too depressing to contemplate. I do know some women (like my own sister) who found love late in life (was 33 when she met my brother-in-law) and I’m going to keep on trying until I join them.

  8. 28
    Laura S.

    I don’t say anything about sex and I don’t operate in any fears. I have, however, had two internet men ask me if I shaved my bush and stated their preference during the intitial meeting. Both times I picked up my sandwich and walked out.

    I date to have fun, enjoy the companionship of my friends and get to know them better. I have no idea what the internet thing is, but they haven’t been enjoyable.

    1. 28.1
      Dina Strange

      Wow, this is so incredibly rude of them. U should have asked them if they prefer to give you 4K by check on in cash, and THEN walk out.

      But on a serious note…you are so much better off without those morons.  

    2. 28.2
      angel

      Ew! I think I would have lost my appetite. Good for you that you walked out. I think even *most men would find that disgusting to talk about at lunch.

    3. 28.3
      CC

      Holy COW! bush maintenance requests on a sandwich date. I hope there were no sprouts in that sandwich. Thank you for sharing, it helps to know there is something worse than the guy who asked me my name on a coffee date….”You’re Beth, right?””. No. And….it’s not that forgetting the name is bad, (I’ve done it), but I wasn’t such a moron that I asked! I walked out too.

      1. 28.3.1
        CC

        OH….and…..the problem is there is no revenge, because if you ask a guy if he shaves his B***s on a first date, he’s totally into it! I had a guy ask me in text message if we were going to have sex on our first date, and it was a coffee date. He wanted to know how much time to allocate. What, like… do it in the restroom of the local Starbucks? It’s a nice restroom, granted, lovely time work, but….are we missing something? Are we supposed to be hooking online and no one told us? Evan, are you messing with us here?

  9. 29
    Mia

    Christine — how is 33 old?!? Are you joking? Nothing 34 and under strikes me as too old as long as the woman is still attractive, but maybe I’m missing something.

  10. 30
    David T

    @Christine28 33 is ‘late in life”? Now *I* am depressed. 🙂

    There is another alternative to being in a couple and ‘living quiet desperation going to our graves with our songs still in us.’ I live my song both within me and without.

    A partner’s song to hear and celebrate; someone to hear mine; creating a new song between us would make life sweeter. Still, mine is lovely on its own and I hold onto that.

    @Laura29 You were still hungry after that?

  11. 31
    Gina

    Evan,

    This post came right on time! Just been dumped by my boyfriend of 5 months–I sabatoged the relationship due to my own insecurities, but am seeing a therapist now–jumped back online and met three men who are interested in getting to know me better! I had myself a good cry over losing my ex, but now U am ready to learn from my mistakes and move forward. Thanks Evan, you are the best!!!

  12. 32
    Christine

    Sorry, didn’t mean to depress anyone Mia and David! 🙂 I guess online dating has screwed up my head and I need to spend some time straightening it out again. I never used to think I was *old*. I only started feeling that way when I kept seeing man after man on these sites my age who prefer women in their 20s. I’m not trying to chase men half my age or anything (which would be illegal since he’d only be about 15, haha). I just want a peer who has the same points of reference and life experiences as I have. I didn’t think wanting a man around my age was so unreasonable, but many of my peers I’m interested in want women in their 20s. So then I tried to follow Evan’s advice to want the men who want me. I couldn’t bring myself to like the men in their ’50s and ’60s, but instead tried focusing more on the men in their late 30s to early 40s (but wouldn’t you know, those men weren’t interested either). I’m fighting through the negativity though. Right now I’m trying to remain open to the possibility of love, but also working on becoming happier within my own skin first and getting to a healthier mental state. Online dating did a number on my self esteem and I’m trying to build it up again. On a rational level, I realize I can’t hinge my whole self esteem on what a bunch of strangers think of me when they don’t know me. I just need to learn to connect my head with my heart, and feel deep down in my bones that I’m worthy of love with a great person, even after all these other rejections. I’ve become very frustrated and discouraged with dating, but I also ultimately see no alternative than to persist. I went through the same thing with job searches in the past, and would still be unemployed if I had given up every time I felt like it. However, even when that felt hopeless, I eventually got the job I wanted (albeit later than I had hoped for). So I’m thinking my search for love will go the same way–but it has a much bigger payoff if I succeed. Hope springs eternal!

  13. 33
    Clare

    I think there’s a third option, aside from aggressively going out and pursuing new date prospects, and sinking back into your shell in a pile of despair. And for me, this third option has always been the most effective, and the most comfortable.

    It’s about being out in the world, living your life, in a state of receptiveness, in a state of faith. It’s about cultivating trust, trust in love, trust in the process, trust in yourself, trust in others. It’s about being open and warm, and holding a positive space in your life that your future partner will fill.

    I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone; it’s not about being passive, not at all. Cultivating an openness and receptiveness to love is actually an active state of mind, and we don’t realise how much fear we’re holding onto or how much we close ourselves off, until we embrace it.

    The way I see it, for us women, it’s not about chasing or being aggressive or too proactive (as Evan says), it’s about cultivating a warmth and openness to men, and letting go of how you’ve been treated before.

    1. 33.1
      Lily

      I love your thoughts, Clare!  

      I will still do the work with online dating, but I see the value of your attitude…  

    2. 33.2
      angel

      I agree. Just having a fulfilling life is important. I have interests and activities where I’m just out there having fun. Through that, I meet people. Social circles also have expanded the events/get togethers that I attend, which helps, because I’m not going to the same old places all of the time. My routine has changed up. I have a life to live for me..being in a relationship is a great bonus to that. Being receptive to meeting new people and perhaps it blossoms into a relationship is important. Otherwise, it’s perhaps a friend or a new connection for business, never know! What I don’t accept for my life are the random men that have no intentions for me that do nothing but sap my energy from the dating process.

  14. 34
    Goldie

    It has to be addressed on a case-by-case basis. Just got back together with the man who’d broken up with me last week. Turns out, what he really needed to do was sit down and talk about what bothered him. Instead he said he wanted to break up. Based on my previous experience, when a guy broke up and never wanted to hear from me again, I was prepared to go completely no-contact, but he wanted to talk about it all of a sudden and it all got better from there 🙂 Point is, at our age and with our pasts, nobody is a model of emotional stability and wisdom. We say things we don’t mean, do things we don’t say, and have no idea why we are saying and doing all those things. This needs to be accounted for. We’ve got to take a good look at the person and see what they are really trying to tell us. Mean jerks who use us and dump us are pretty rare — it just looks like they’re everywhere, because the few of them manage to get around a hell of a lot and hurt dozens of women in a short period of time. In my 2.5 years of dating, I only ran into one user. All the rest were decent people.

    @ #34 Clare — exactly! In case the breakup had gone through, my plan was to take a lot of time for myself, (six months or so), catch up with old friends, travel, have fun, do some soul-searching and figure out what I want out of life, and out of dating in particular. I absolutely did not plan on dating again anytime soon. I have plenty of old friends who are always up for casual dating 😉 and anything else would’ve been too soon for me.

  15. 35
    Liz

    Yes…I don’t understand the 9-12 date thing. If I am not interested in someone, it usually is something I know by the 2nd date. Hell, sometimes an hour into the first date, when you tell me about being: in the military, thats why you didn’t complete college, but your master diving experience wouldn’t travel over to to the states, so in the Bahamas you got certified, then you became a Paramedic, because you have a huge heart, and then you started building networks systems for huge law firms (but your business site for you internet company isn’t complete)…blah blah blah, can we start the worse date thing again? This was on 5 minutes of the crazytown I sat through.

  16. 36
    amy

    Christine, #33 –
    A friend of mine had an interesting theory about dating in your 30s. He said most men who wanted to get married early (25-32) did, and the ones in their early 30s, 32-38, still probably had lots of stuff to work out. His theory was that women in their early 30s all wanted to date guys in that age range and kept getting burned by them, and ended up bitter by 37. So the trick, he explained, was for someone like you to either go out with the younger-ready guys or the older 38-42 year old set, who would be so pleased to have a YOUNG 33 year old.
    Christine, you are young. Your body is young!!
    Trust me. I got married after 40. You are very young and should keep trying!

  17. 37
    K

    @Amy 37, very interesting point. I’m around Christine’s age as well and I have to say some of what you say rings true for me. Lately all the men who have been interested in me have been around 30 or otherwise 40. Even though I prefer mid-30s I rarely meet them or ones who want to date me. No biggie for me because I like to go where I’m popular:).

  18. 38
    Fusee

    @ Claire #34: Exactly! Thank you for your interesting contribution!

    For me, plan A is a solid, balanced, and happy marriage. Plan B is a solid, balanced, and happy single life. Plan C to Z everything else including three-month thingies going nowhere and three-year relationships staying in the status quo. I’m not including internet dating with people who would consider me for the role of a glorified free prostitute because I’m simply not giving men a chance to ever toy with such an idea, consciously or not.

    Since plan A involves someone else’s will, and depends on this elusive magical succession of events of meeting someone, clicking, and discovering compatibility, which is for a large part out of my control, my best bet at happiness is creating the best plan B I can. Totally up to me. With the added bonus that it does not exclude the potential to shift to plan A if I keep myself receptive, as Clare is saying at #34, and end up meeting someone who qulifies enough for me to take a temporary risk of spending some time in plan C. That’s what I’m doing, and it’s working beautifully for me. I let time and circumstances do their magic, and after 3.5 years of happy single life full of friends, travels, and volunteering (and no dating), I met my boyfriend. I’m allowing myself to spend 12-18 months in plan C to see if this will become plan A. Not more though, because plan B is better than plan C for me. That’s where I do not go with Evan’s advice to give the man three years to make a decision. He’s got around 12 months : )

    A comment to Mia #1: Evan’s advice is spot on for his target audience which is the “smart, strong, and successful woman”. It’s a catchy title that will make most women want to identify with it, but we are not all “smart, strong, and successful women”. Those women are picky and limit their dating pool unreasonnably. On the other side of the spectrum, I (and I suspect you too) am “reasonnable, grounded, and content in life”, therefore while most of Evan’s advice is still spot on for me, some parts of it does not apply at all. I was too flexible: I needed to be more discriminative. I was too fun and easy-going: I needed to give men more of a homework to prove themselves to me. I was choosing men who were not compatible to my values and long-term goals: I needed to evaluate sooner who was worth my energy. We are all different and one advice-size does not fit all, even if the general wisdom still applies. Because it does. Evan’s approach is incredibly wise.

    So Mia, you might need to adjust your approach if your current method does not bring you what you need and burns you out instead. I agree with the recommendation of not letting failures make you lick your wounds at home for years, but running on the dating hamster-wheel like crazy is an unreasonnable investment of our limited energies. Finding the One is not just a numbers’ game. It’s also a matter of circumstances aligning somehwat magically, of people clicking energically in an environment that doet not involve a screen and tick boxes, of people meeting and joyfully starting exploring if making a team is an option. For people who can afford being out there a couple of times a week, it’s best to focus on meeting people in real life. Keep online dating and its superficial tick boxes as an extra and/or for difficult situations such as solo parenting of young children, disability, small town, late thirties with a desire for biological kids, etc.

    And finally @ Christine #28: I’m your age and found love last year after years of frustration and questioning. Still figuring out if this is the real deal, but in any case, for the first time I am at peace no matter what happens because I am a solid, balanced, and happy single, and this is a good life to go back to. There is not such a thing as “too old” at 33! And there is not such as thing as “too old” for a solid and happy relationship at any age anyway. It’s just easier at 33 than at 39, so use your time wisely. Be happy single in the meantime!

    1. 38.1
      B

      Thank you for your insight, Fusee. I like your “system” with Plans A, B and C-Z. I could totally subscribe to that. After a few dating disappointments, which were largely in Plan C, I am now committed to choosing Plan B. I do want to become fully happy on my own (as much as this is at all possible). I was kind of devastated after the last break-up but now I am recovering and start seeing all kinds of possibilities for myself as a single person — I start remembering things I wanted to achieve but never did so far and making a mental list of them. I still feel some pain left, though, and it sabotages my goals to a degree because I still need to spend some time and energy on my recovery, processing painful and anxious thoughts, but I see the light at the end of a tunnel. I have read many of the comments here and they are very helpful.

  19. 39
    Laura S.

    I don’t take men and dating seriously until they are ready to get serious. Sometimes they think they are, but men are rarely fully in touch with their inner selves.

    A lot of men like to test to see how much they can get away with. So do women. We all have our ideal relationship: Free and Easy, right? I call it immaturity but it seems to be popular these days.

    Boundaries. I’m not going to give up my lunch because some guy’s a jerk. At a first meet he’s not even worth the effort to say the Magic Words (with a smile):

    “It’s okay to be an asshole, but you’re not allowed to be an asshole to me.”

    I agree with #34 Clare–It’s about getting out there and enjoying life and enjoying people. Sometimes we have to make ourselves do it.

    I was expecting a proposal or at least a very good proposition from my special man. Instead he broke up with me again, with the hours long good-bye kiss, kissing away my tears, his refusal to say why, but keeping our permanent friendship. His progressive illness is obvious now and he is dying. We are only now talking openly about it.

    This is tough, but I keep dating and enjoying the company of other gentlemen, some who know and some who don’t. One who doesn’t said on our 2nd date, “Wow, I can’t believe you’re not remarried already!” I’m sure the look on my face let him know he said something wrong.

  20. 40
    SS

    @Amy 37… I wholeheartedly agree with this theory. Probably because it’s the story of my life. I missed out on some men in their mid-late 20s who were the ones who really did want to get married, and it didn’t surprise me when I heard just 2-3 years later that they were now married. Meanwhile, when I was about 30-32, the men in that 30-36 age range (give or take a year or two) didn’t seem the slightest bit interested in being married!

    But then the group of men from 37-42? There was a bigger pool than I thought of never-married, serious men who were really looking for someone. So at age 31, I ended up with a 37-year-old guy… which to me, isn’t a terribly large age difference. He said I was actually one of the youngest women he’d dated, as he was usually dating closer to his age or slightly older. Many of them didn’t want kids (because they had some already) and he wanted someone who wanted to have kids (or have more kids). So a 30-35-year-old woman who wanted to marry and have kids would have been perfect for him.

    I suppose I could have said that six years was too much of an age gap or that a 37-year-old guy was “old” and that I wanted someone who was no older than 33, but Mr. 37 turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me… and we’re still in the same generational cohort and were born in the same decade, so I don’t feel like I’m with some really really OLD guy. LOL

    Anyway, I think 33 is a good age still… definitely consider the late 30-early 40 something guys who want marriage (and children, if you want children). You’ll definitely do well among that group.

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