Why You’re Still Single – in 2336 Words

Why You’re Still Single - in 2336 Words

Read this. Read every word of it.

Noted blogger, Moxie, has written a powerful message to women in their late 30’s: take responsibility for your life.

I’d be inclined to publish highlights but that wouldn’t do this piece its proper justice.

So here, in its entirety, I offer you a very challenging post about women, written by a very intelligent woman. Feel free to post whether you agree or disagree with her assessment.

And while I might nitpick with a line or two, on the whole, I think Moxie knocked it out of the park.

Name: Betty | Location: New York , NY |Question: I am not sure if you have asked/answered this question before but I was wondering if you had any advice where a single woman in her late thirties could meet marriage/family minded men who are around my age? I have never been interested in dating men much older than me (frankly I don’t have a single girlfriend, married or single, who is so inclined). However, I have noticed over the past 5 years that the men who approach me have been getting exponentially older (seriously, I was recently contacted online by a 70 year old man – older than my father). I really want a relationship similar to all those in my family and social circle have – no more than a 2-3 year age difference. Do I really have to give this up? Am I going to have to settle for a man 10-20 years older than me and have a lackluster sex/love life? That just seems abnormal to me. Surely there must be men who come from a similar background (i.e. that spouses should be from the same generation so that the relationship will succeed for the long term). Any thoughts would be appreciated.

No, you don’t have to give that up. It’s just going to require more effort on your part. It’s also going to require that you ask yourself why, at 38, you’re still single. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

First, learn to accept the reality that a 38-40 year old marriage minded man is going to want someone a good 5-7 years younger than him if he wants kids. Maybe 10 years if he’s in his early 40’s. A 40-45 year old man who’s not interested in having children is going to want a woman who isn’t dead set on having kids. Most will assume that a 38 year old woman will want kids. And soon. The age we are at (35-40) is probably the toughest of all. In a man’s mind, we’re on the cusp between wanting kids and not wanting kids. A lot of men make this assumption on their own without ever asking us. Why? They have more options than we do and don’t have to ask us.

Online dating for women 35-45 is a joke. Do not rely on online dating in any way. I know exactly what you’re talking about in regards to being contacted by people you would never in a million years consider dating. The unkempt, unpolished guys. The husky, balding guys. The sleazy guys. The guys who wink or e-mail me within minutes of logging on. They’re contacting me because they think “She’s 38 and using online dating so she must be somewhat anxious or desperate and will give me a second glance.” If they’re not thinking that way, then they are men so lacking in self-awareness that you wouldn’t want to date them anyway. Of course, one or two of them are genuinely nice guys whom you might share a connection, but guilt by association screws them.

I was having a conversation with Evan Marc Katz recently. If you don’t know who he is, he’s a well known dating/relationship expert that started e-Cyrano, an online dating profile writing company. He’s also written a book called “Why You’re Still Single.” We talked about how frustrating it is for women (and I’m sure men) to only get contacted by people that they would never in a million years consider dating. Evan tried to tell me that women should just delete those e-mails and not give them a second thought. I agreed with that, but also told him that the reason why hearing from only those people is frustrating is that it makes you wonder what it is about you that is attracting only these people. It also serves as a reminder of what’s out there and…as I’ve said before….as you get older it becomes slim pickins. Having a reminder of those slim pickins in your in-box every day isn’t fun and can condition someone to believe that there truly is “no one” out there for them. What else is disheartening is for every one good date you might have, you end up having 3-5 awful ones. For 1 person that meets your expectations there are 3-5 that don’t. And, if you meet those “ones” online, then it’s very likely that they are someone else’s “one great date” as well due to the whole “kid in a candy store” mentality that online dating encourages. So use online dating in conjunction with 2-3 other ways to meet someone. But do not make it your only means of networking. Take a home improvement class or a cooking class or a writing class. Got to Barnes & Noble. Go to the gym. Join a special interest group. Definitely take advantage of the stand-bys but add some new ones, too. Move outside your comfort zone. Singles/social networking events are great but, like online dating, you shouldn’t rely on them to meet new people. Go to a few, like two or three, then try something different. Switch it up or do all these things in conjunction with each other. And always take advantage of every opportunity. Really work on being approachable in any situation. Walk with your head up, make eye contact, smile….be it at the deli, on the subway, at church…where ever. You have to be open to meeting someone at all times, not just in situations designed to encourage socializing. It’s very easy to become closed off, especially living in a big city. Don’t let that happen.

You’ll also have to throw away a lot of those silly criteria that we tend to apply to future mates.

Not interested in dating someone divorced? Get over it. We’re in our late 30’s. Many of the people in our age range are divorced.

Don’t want someone with kids? Again, let that slide a bit, since many singles our age are divorced.

Ladies – Stop going to bars to meet guys. Just forget it. Guys in bars are looking for the 25-32 year old gal. Or they’re looking for desperate women who will be easy to get in to bed. Go to bars to socialize, to hang out, to de-stress. But don’t go to a bar with the specific intent of meeting a man. Especially if you’re over 35.

Ladies – Stop going out in groups of 3 or more single friends. Men aren’t crazy about approaching a group of women. The fear of rejection is bad enough when contemplating your approach of just one woman. But three?

Choose who you socialize with carefully. If you and a friend are both burnt on the dating scene, then hang out with someone who is in a relationship or who is married. As much as you think that you can hide your frustration or disillusionment when you’re out, you can’t. It comes out in off-the-cuff comments, facial expressions and the tone in your voice. Surround yourself with positivity as much as you can so that their attitude rubs off on you. Nothing turns someone off faster than bitterness.

Learn when to walk away. Staying in a situation too long only to end up not getting/not being asked for a number or being rejected will only weaken your ego/self-esteem. Read the signs, pay attention to how the other person reacts to you. If you have to ask yourself , “Are they interested?” then they’re probably not. Stop trying to make them interested in you.

Ask yourself the tough questions. 38 and still single? Too focused on your career? Dating the wrong people? Ignoring issues that are getting in the way of being happy and secure? There’s a reason why you’re 38 and single. Figure it out and deal with it. Are you batting out of your league? Insisting on going for people that you think you deserve but who have no interest in you? Negative? There is a reason and it’s more than “I’m just picky” or “I’ve been too busy to date.” I haven’t met one person over the age of 35 who’s still single who wasn’t that way for a serious reason. And it’s usually one of these: We want it all right now. We want to know where we stand. We want to know what’s what right now. We aren’t willing to sit back and allow things to unfold at a natural pace. We assume that if someone doesn’t feel the same way we do when we do then they aren’t right for us. We grow resentful of those people who do have an easier time meeting someone and that resentment morphs in to bitterness and negativity. All of that stuff comes from a place of fear. A fear that we will never meet anyone, that we will end up alone. A fear that we will be hurt or left or abandoned or that we won’t be in control of the situation. If you continue to feed in to that fear you will end up alone. Or, worse, you’ll settle.

Sometimes you just have to keep your mouth shut and listen. This one has a double meaning. The first refers to people who, when they meet someone new, brag or challenge people instead of saying something truly of value and listening. Learn the difference between selling yourself and pimping yourself out. Then, take a breath, close your mouth and listen. Ask more questions but don’t interview someone. If you pay close enough attention to what someone says then you’ll have plenty of things to ask. But if you’re listening just to recognize a buzzword that will allow you to go off on a tangent, expect that person to walk away pretty quickly. Also listen to the “voices” that come from within. Voices that come in the form of feelings and reactions. What are you really feeling? 9 times out of 10, it’s fear. So many times I’ve met men that were really great and I dismissed them. I convinced myself that I wasn’t attracted to them but really I was just afraid. “They’re way too serious for me” I thought. “They’re too anxious for a girlfriend.” Looking back, there was nothing wrong with them. The problem was with me. I was scared. Scared they would find out I wasn’t as together as they were. Scared they’d leave me first. Scared that they would figure out who I really was. I wanted everything laid out for me. I wanted to know what to expect and when. I didn’t want to feel that anxiety over whether they’d call or what their lack of response meant. All of that is rooted in fear.

Face the realities head on and become as self-aware as possible. Being over 35 and living in Manhattan (or any other major metropolitan city) is tough. Most women I encounter who are over 35 and single (and by single I mean “never married”) are single because they are completely unaware of the impression they make (anxious/self-righteous/negative/entitled) or because they are still sticking to that same laundry list of criteria that they wrote and laminated at 25. After a certain point, it’s time to get realistic. You’re competing with women younger, possibly thinner and probably making just as much money as you are and are equally successful. Either step up or move on to another league. And by step up I mean do the work you need to do to compete. That could be simply reorganizing priorities to dropping 10 pounds, to going in to therapy, to taking up yoga to learn how to relax. Is there something about you physically or personality-wise that might be turning men off? Because that might be it. Ask friends for a brutally honest assessment. Better yet, ask someone who isn’t that close to you. You’re more likely to get the truth. Forewarned is forearmed. Those who know that something is coming are better prepared to face it than those who do not know.

Would it be so bad to take a look at guys that maybe aren’t, at first glance, your “type?” Or are you one of those women who thinks that, by doing so, you’d be “settling?”

Get an attitude adjustment. People who tell themselves that there is “no one” out there for them or who focus on how they don’t have someone will continue to have bad luck in the love department. You literally have to stop yourself from saying things like “Every women/man” is this or that. You have to de-program yourself from thinking negatively. You’re basically setting yourself up to fail when you focus on what you don’t have or on people that aren’t interested in you. (Remember the other suggestion I made up thread – Learn when to walk away.) The more focus you put on what you are lacking, the more power you give to that idea and the more prevalent it becomes. It’s about thinking “as if.” In January, I joined Dating Dummy’s Blog Wide Workout group. I cut out pictures of Jessica Biehl and hung them over my desk on my bulletin board. Every day, I look at those pictures every morning and am reminded of what is possible. That motivates me to go to the gym. I also hung pictures of my ideal guys – Edward Norton and Matthew Rhys. Then, and I can’t believe I’m admitting to this but fuck it, I planned my wedding down to the last detail. I got pricing from the hotel for the open bar and food, wrote the guest list (only 50 people from my side, immediate family only and friends from high school/college/life) called the church I sometimes go to and booked a tentative date, (last weekend of April, 2008) and called my uncle and told him to save the date. Crazy? Maybe. But I’m now almost 20 pounds lighter and my sex/love life has taken a positive turn in the last two months. (Of course, it’s still in the early stages.) Every press mention my business has received has been clipped and hung on my bulletin board. I made a slide show of my affirmations, using pictures of everything from the type of body I want to have to piles of money to a clip of someone reading their credit rating to the new apartment I want to have. I view it every morning and every night. (Go to www.RockYou.com to make your own slide show.) My business has tripled in the past 6 months. The money flows in and, like with most businesses, flows right back out. But it’s there and the amount deposited into my business account gets larger each month. It’s all about changing your thought process. Tell yourself that it will happen and it will happen. But counting the reasons why fate is against you and you’re creating a big wall that will be very hard to scale.

You have the ability to change your life and have the things you want. It all starts with you. You just have to truly want to change it. Stop focusing on what doesn’t work and start focusing on what does work.

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  1. 31

    I respect everyones side on this matter as we all have biases as human beings depending on our varying nature and life experiences and exposure. Nevertheless, this all helped me figure out something.. that who we are or what we are should not be defined by our circumstances… doesn’t mean we are not married or still single we are worthless or not good enough or beautiful.. we all have given purpose and gifts as individual wether or not we are single or with someone. What makes one happy is not the same for everyone. Though, we are most likely where we are because subconciously that is what we wanted or chose (choices and free will) to be if we dare search the truth in ourselves deeply. Many bad people, undeserving ones are in an envious relationships and are married to beautiful people and greater even in numbers are people still single yet very capable of being in a relationship. Life is a mystery.. they said that what you sow you reap, what you give you get, full of surprises that can come in the form of love, hurt, pain, joy, sorrow etc., etc. It was not spelled out the day we were born what to expect in this world called life. In a way that is the beauty of it, its like blank paper you are given the liberty to draw on it as you please.

    I am by the wary, 43 y.o. single lady, never been married..no kids, they say I am sexy, beautiful, smart, and decent, religious woman. I have had my share of serious and not so serious relationship, with some wanting marriage and some only companionship. In retrospect, I am mostly the one who said goodbye and call it quits. I call myself a late bloomer as I lived most of my life doing what other people think is best for my life until I reach the age of 25 when i finally had my full independence and the liberty of experiencing my first boyfriend. It lasted for over a year and after 2 yrs met a perfect guy whos got everything a woman could hope for in a parther as in everything good looks, stable mind and job, sexy, responsible, loving, caring, kind who wants marriage and fidelity for the long haul. So, you’ll think ill jump for the gun and said yes when he asked for marriage. Hell No, yap, i did not.. In my mind then, i love him so much but i guess i love myself or freedo more.. I just had my independence and marrying him for me at that time would mean depriving me again of my freedom. And though I have had few other relationship after that, I never again found someone like him to date, now that I am ready. Which is the reason i come across this page.. in search of answer for the question how come i am still single today? Unlike many, i think i know the reason why.. maybe i am just needing more confirmation or assertion from others point of view and finding this blog really helped. I know that i could have been married if i wanted to. I made the choice. Its true though, that when you reach this age, no matter how convince you were you are okay, you are not. Suddenly, after doing all the things you wanted to do and going to places you wanted to be.. at the end of the day you miss having someone you trust and love to embrace and cuddle you in the night and have coffee with you in the morning. And since i cannot undo my past, i can only hope and pray today for a miracle that someone out there is still waiting for someone like me. I believe that love comes in the most unexpected place and time and when it does and you are ready, you would know for sure if this one is for you. As the sayng goes.. Every passing minute is a chance to turn things around.

    As for me, I know i will be happy be it with someone or just with myself because i know my worth as a person. However, in all honesty, if the right man comes and he would want me just as bad. then why not :).. GODDLUCK TO ALL AND HAVE A HAPPY LIFE!!!! WE ONLY GOT ONE SO MAKE THE MOST OF IT OKAY :).. AND BTW, LET ME KNOW IF THAT SOMEONE IS YOU HAHAHAHA.

  2. 32

    Well to me it’s about what you really want. If you are perfectly happy being single at 38 or any age and don’t want to try to change that, then keep doing what you’re doing. There’s nothing wrong with that and it doesn’t make you less worthy than a married woman. But if you’ve had a lot of unsuccessful experiences and really do want to find love I think self-reflection is great, because when you just blame everyone else, give yourself a victim complex and never take a look at yourself wondering if there’s something that you can do differently, nothing changes. As Karl quoted Ben Franklin “Insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” that same saying came to mind when I read this article…I have been working on myself, not just to attract the right men but also for my spiritual sense of self. After really understanding what makes men want to stay with women, I realized part of my difficulty with dating and relationships was what I was doing. I didn’t realize it all these years but now I look back at some experiences and it makes sense as to where my choices played a role in the outcome. I’m still in my late 20s and often attract younger men because they think I’m young as 20 at times. And although most women my age seem to prefer older men, that’s fine, I can go either way. Some guys a couple years younger are more mature

  3. 33

    I have only just read this, and I think it is a GREAT article. Please read !

  4. 34

    “Learn the difference between selling yourself and pimping yourself out. Then, take a breath, close your mouth and listen. Ask more questions but don’t interview someone. If you pay close enough attention to what someone says then you’ll have plenty of things to ask. But if you’re listening just to recognize a buzzword that will allow you to go off on a tangent, expect that person to walk away pretty quickly. Also listen to the “voices” that come from within. Voices that come in the form of feelings and reactions. What are you really feeling? 9 times out of 10, it’s fear. So many times I’ve met men that were really great and I dismissed them. I convinced myself that I wasn’t attracted to them but really I was just afraid. “They’re way too serious for me” I thought. “They’re too anxious for a girlfriend.” Looking back, there was nothing wrong with them. The problem was with me. I was scared. Scared they would find out I wasn’t as together as they were. Scared they’d leave me first. Scared that they would figure out who I really was. I wanted everything laid out for me. I wanted to know what to expect and when. I didn’t want to feel that anxiety over whether they’d call or what their lack of response meant. All of that is rooted in fear.”
    OH EMM GEE!!! THIS IS ME. I felt exposed just READING that. It felt like someone looked inside me, and blurbed it out – i had to remind myself – someone else is writing this and its not ABOUT me. Though it is. Positive affirmations then? Yeah I tried, but it seems hard. Thank you. Any other advice? Highly welcome!

    1. 34.1

      You’ve perfectly described my dating history and dating outcomes. I’m crying as I type this because I just lost the love of my life because of all of the fears you just noted. I’m almost 34 and scared to death that I’ll never find someone.

      1. 34.1.1

        Well quit saying no at the top of your lungs to all the not quite 6′ tall guys. If he’s 5’8″, 5’9″, 5’10” you better give them a CHANCE… Chance means for men more than one 5 min. quick “date (it takes time to get to know a person). You at 34 better get on the ball because from a guys perspective girls that are age 34 to 35 guys are like EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK because (seriously) you have a good year maybe left to have kids. Once 35 your practically done and not able to have kids (unless you can absolutely beyond a shadow of a doubt prove beyond prove that 35 + girls can have an actually perfectly healthy baby), yes there are those RARE circumstances where a lady at 35 or older got pregnant and had a healthy baby but that IS RARER THAN RARE.

        So JLH you’re right you should be SCARED TO DEATH at your age to find a guy. You and your girls your age need to WAKE UP SERIOUSLY (and just MAYBE at your age) maybe your finally SCARED enough that you NOW realize you have to 1: get your “requirements” straight (as in accept and be happy with 5’8″, 5’9″, 5’10″ish guys (we are GREAT GUYS, HONESTLY), ya better know you’re NOT going to get this million piece checklist of a guy or if you keep your stringent “requirements” guaranteed you will be continue being perpetually SINGLE.

        1. Xyzz

          Continued… In addition you ladies even not right at age 34 but younger than 34 wanna know what so many guys “good guys” shrug their shoulders anymore to you single girls??? It’s because too many of have this cold shoulder, this aura body language that says either 1) completely closed off (unless guy is a D-bag, A-Hole or Thug) then too many of you ladies would piratically drop everything instantly for those losers. Or too many of you ladies have this constant I’m better than everyone attitude. But guys that actually have their s**t together aka(college educated, career, nice always reliable vehicle, owns their house, never lived with mommy and daddy past high-school oh yeah and actually still believes in chivalry) (without you girls emphatically saying no at the top of your lungs) we know you can open the doors yourselves, but that’s not the point, the point is showing we guys want and actual “relationship”. The guys that have written off chivalry are the guys that don’t want a “relationship” but rather just a 5 min booty call.

  5. 35
    Anibal Bounleut

    It isn’t constantly an easy task to stay optimistic, but surrounding myself with excellent close friends as well as a suportive relatives generally can make it a lot easier. I remind myself continuously that each day is a reward, and we’re fortunate to awaken each individual early morning and consider element in it…

  6. 36

    I think this is a beautiful article but I just have to disagree with one point:
    She says that dating for women and finding the love of your life gets more difficult as you get older.  Well, I’m only 31 so I’m not talking from personal experience, but I have just seen so many people who have found great love later on in life, actually probably more so than young people.
    I would say that the increased wisdom and self-awareness could put you in a better position to find “the one”. Youth and beauty yes gives you more options, but does it help you hold onto a relationship? I don’t know.  I know I am 100 times better at relationship now and much better able to create a contented relationship than I was ten years ago, and I still have a lot to learn.
    All this is to say, I believe, and I know many wise people agree, that all is definitely not lost as you get older.

  7. 37

    To be ” conditioned to believe there is no one is out there for her.” That’s how I feel. Thank you for the analysis! It helps me big time! 

  8. 38
    Ex-Porn Star

    Need I say more. Try that one out for a spin. I’m 37, divorced, prompted to either live up to my former successful career as an on-screen nympho or dogged for being an adult entertainer.  How do you put that one in the pool of selectivity?  Ya don’t That’s my point.  You see I hear a lot of entries from people perplexed by why they haven’t met Mr. or Mrs. Right and the ones that really stand out to me are the ones who have let it get them down. 
    Anyone ever hear of priorities?  Ya just have to be really ok with who you are, what constitutes that and how you are going to weed through the ones who aren’t partial to it.  That’s about it. 
    The ones saying “f**k it”, hey,… just aren’t prioritizing it right now; falling in love right now, or even to try.  Life doesn’t wait for the dreamers dude. Get real.  The ones complaining, go get your hair done, lose the weight, eat less junk food, shut up.  And the ones commenting because they just need to say they too have frusturations like the rest of us, Hi.. How are ya?  Have a great day. 
    Don’t stress, Don’t trip. We all have our work cut out for us.  It’s what you value most in life that makes your experience  what it has become. My values were making a lot of money over anything when I got into adult video. I made money, was finally self sufficient and then met the man of my dreams, Scott Graven . God rest his soul. He appreciated me even though I went to work and did whatever, in front of God and everyone, for money, and on camera.  He was my soulmate.  He died, unfortunately, and since then have yet to find such an amazing catch, perfect for me.  Oh well, I have had to settle since then, and it’s been tougher and tougher the more bitter and jaded I get.  Thus, I have put way less importance on the partner thing and am back to getting ahead, not in porn, mind ya, and guess what? Never been happier, and yes, I am lonely, and yes, I am broken,, but who cares? At the end of the day I am being true to my self, and that’s what landed me the good catch back when Scott came around, 12 years ago.  I can only go with what worked back then. 
    God Bless!

  9. 39
    The Very Truth

    Well there are plenty of us Good Men out there that are very much hoping to meet a real Good Woman to share our life with, but with so many women today that are so Very Picky which certainly does have a lot to do with it. And many women nowadays are looking for a man with a Very High Bank Account as well which is Very Sad.

    1. 39.1

      I disagree, not all women.
      I met a man, he said the woman that loved him left him because he didn’t have a very high bank account.  He respected her for being truthful.
      I come along, I’m not interested in money, status nor power.  I want a decent man to share my life with and grow old with. Take care of each other’s needs.
      Where are we now?  After a month + … he can’t seem to set up a decent date (park, dinner, anything) but he says I’m his dream girl.  Damn if you like them for who they are, damn if you don’t.  He is 44. Never married, no children.  I am 39, never married, no children. 
      I understand you said ‘many’ not ‘all women’ but please, it hurts me to read men make these comments when here I am dating a man for who he is.

      1. 39.1.1

        That’s a frustrating situation, and I truly feel for you. I appears this man of your dreams may have commitment issues, due to his past relationship? I hope he can get over them, and give you the love you deserve.

        As an aside, I just don’t understand women similar to his previous partner; why the heck would anyone leave someone, over “not enough money”? (Assuming that he wasn’t some lazy unemployed bum who refused to work)  Unless she was bringing a lot to the table financially, it doesn’t make practical sense with regards to finding a lasting loving relationship.

        Money is fantastic.  Intellect is far better.  And the seemingly mythical “soulmate” relationship is what I hope to find, or develop with a partner.

    2. 39.2

      I completely disagree, not all women.
      I am dating a man who always tells me the story about this woman that loved him, but left him because of his ‘lack’ of financial status.  He still respects her because she was truthful to him.
      Now, I’m dating him because of the man he is, not because of what I can get out of him financially.  He says I am his dream girl, his love, his everything and guess what?  I can’t get him to set up a decent date, yet.  It’s been more than months and no effort on his part.
      Why the self-pity that women only want money and yet, they find that one girl and seem to blow it? 
      I know I am not the one for him, but don’t make it about us as he is not the right man for me, either.

  10. 40

    It’s the truth. A guy in his late 30’s wants younger not his age.
    A women in her late 30’s brings up too many red flags. for example,  your still single, never married and want to have kids? Something has to give. 
    Dating website are a joke, ESP Match.com… Google the complaints on Match and you will see. 
    When it comes to older women guys one one thing. SEX and nothing more. 
    A women in the age bracket and is still looking for the right one has issues, perhaps too picky.
    If they are so set on having a child, they should go to a sperm bank. 

    1. 40.1

      Someone being single in their late 30s is NOT a red flag. What if they simply didn’t place a high priority on dating? What if they were more into cultivating themselves or their career? What if they just never met anyone they were that into?

      I’m getting so frustrated reading the comments here. They imply that ALL people have the goal of marriage/family and being single in their late 30s, they have somehow failed to meet that goal. I’ve never had that goal and I still don’t. And I DON’T want kids. Ever.

      I’ve also never encountered this “older men want a younger woman” thing. I’m not dating right now, but many of my older friends are.  Maybe they are just insanely hot, but men of all ages seem to want them.

  11. 41

    Joseph 40 – I happen to have known two ladies who were both from 32-35.  Both were really attractive, intelligent etc.
    One of them could not believe she would find someone.  She was blonde, (a real blonde), slim, sweet, rather quiet and rather kind.  She married a man of over 45.  The younger men put her off.
    For older women (I’m one) – don’t just dismiss us all as picky.  Life can be really strange…….and you can be single and older because you looked after your aged parents (I know of one absolutely gorgeous woman like that).  And if guys just want me for sex, I think I said it before, I show them the door.  If they even make it to there.  Older women have seen it all.  And now all we want to see is LOVE.  Not someone out for a shag.

  12. 42

    #41 Judy, there are many of us good men out there that don’t play the games that many women are playing today. We’re hoping to meet a good woman to share our life with, but with so many very mean women out there these days certainly makes it very difficult for us to meet a real good one now. It is all about Commitment and being Very Compatible with one another, and Not about Sex all the time that many of you women think. All i would want is just One Good Woman to make me Very Happy like i had at one time before my wife of 15 years Cheated on me, and i was a Very Caring And Loving Husband that was Very Much Committed to her as well. But it wasn’t good enough for her, just like so many women today that have that Desire To Cheat since they just can’t stay with Only One Man Anymore like many of them did in the past. Most women today are nothing like the Real Good Ladies that we had years ago when they were Very Committed to their men, and many men were Very Committed as well. Now women are looking for a man with a Very Large Bank Account which makes it Very Sad.

  13. 43

    People talk about adopting and sperm banks like a child having two parents isn’t important. You can’t find a man to have a kid with so you will adopt or go to a sperm bank. Some might say that’s fair enough, I say that’s potentially selfish.

    1. 43.1

      @Mghow Why is that selfish? I have a friend who did it and BTW she happens to be a terrific mother and she is financially secure.  Mr Right (or as I call Mr Right Now) may NEVER be around the corner.  She wanted to have children of her own and as a woman I can totally understand and relate to that. 

      1. 43.1.1

        Hear, hear.  

  14. 44

    Or, maybe, just maybe, that one comes to the realization that it really is HOPELESS!!!

  15. 45

    I think dating its actually harder for younger women. I’m 27 and its so hard these days to find a man around my age who is relationship oriented, all i can find are guys who only look for a one night stand and thats it, they dont care to get to know you, they dont care how smart or funny  you are, they only care about sex. I have been thinking about dating older men, 35  to 45 even though im more attracted to younger but i feel older men are more serious and are more likey to be ready for a relationship rather than playing games.

  16. 46

    I am a single fairly good looking professional 38yr old man. Advice to women: stop comparing your life to your friends; many of you are overweight but 45lbs from being hot; 1/2 the men on the planet who are over 30 and hold a job are a little overweight, balding, or under 5’11. If you are near 40 forget dating guys your own age, that chance passed you back in college, even a beautiful 40 yr old woman will lose out to an attractive 27. If you are really unattractive and want kids go ahead and have them, it’s hard being a single mom but 1/2 of women end up this way. Stop flirting with the guy who asks to dance because the other guy at the bar likes you but lacks the skill. The guys with great social skills aren’t always the best pick and much more likely to cheat. If your guy isnt good in bed this could be because he hasn’t sleep with as many women as your old boyfriend!

  17. 47

    Join a cooking class? Trust me ladies. The guy you want isn’t going to be in any cooking class. Most of the 35+ single women I know are single fornone reason; they are know-it-alls.

  18. 48

    White women have an attitude problem from birth and their parents encouraged it. Now a lot of men of all races want an Asian wife. There is a reason for this. Well many reasons. White women want to compete with men whilst an Asian woman just wants to love you and be their partner in life. An Asian woman will follow their man to the ends of the earth whilst  a white woman wants their man to follow them. A word of advice is for white women to understand why Asian women can land a man and keep him for life. Also note that white women commonly want everything in a man whilst in reality there maybe like less than 1000 men worldwide that fits their criteria. Oh, and an Asian woman just wants her man to be a man in the traditional sense and that’s all us men want to be treated like a man.

  19. 49

    kind of a moot point saying be prepared to date a divorcee if you’ve never been married or had kids as it’s typically the OTHER way round. Divorcees won’t want to date you as they’d see you as an immature overgrown kid.

  20. 50

    Also “husky balding guys” are you serious?! You are in your late 30s and you consider a guy going bald to be the kind of guy to avoid? Just what planet do you live on exactly?

  21. 51
    Aloha 808

    Candace – thank you for speaking out. This article is completely unfounded, negative opinion that reflects UNHEALTHY cultural beliefs about women that are not rooted in science and do not adequately account for all of the dynamics involved in relationships, as well as modern trending away from long term commitment at a young age. Way to perpetuate harmful myths and blame women for holding a STATUS THAT HAS UNFOUNDED STIGMA. Bloggers are sometimes so irresponsible with their power. Do you have ANY research to base this opinion on? Any professional critique? Or do you just like spreading harmful and damaging myths about women? There is a HUGE difference between self-reflection and “inner work” (introspection is an important life skill as well as objectivity and a sense of humor about ourselves), HUGE difference between introspection and INTERNALIZING – which is when we allow things that DO NOT reflect on our character or person to become internal issues projected onto ourselves that harm our esteem, confidence, and create false premise and perception of our WORTH. YOU DIMINISHED WOMEN OF MATURITY IN THIS ARTICLE. THAT IS REALLY IRRESPONSIBLE IN A WORLD WHERE WOMEN ARE STILL THE MOST MARGINALIZED GROUP. Absolute BOO. This will harm so many women’s minds, hearts and souls. I would be ashamed to author and publish this opinion. It is emotional ignorance at its worst. I bet, that the real reason women are single older in the present day, is because of cultural shifts. Things like, women being in the workforce, people marrying later (if at all), having more freedom not to conform to social standards such as during the 50’s. This is just “OLD MAID” with a new label. It makes me really angry when people are this irresponsible because it harms all the hard work that has been done to liberate women from equating their WORTH WITH A MALE PARTNER. Just awful. 

  22. 53
    Aurora Borealis

    Ok, let me put my 50 cents into it. I’m 33. I am originally from Russia. I have a 7 year old daughter. Been married twice (my daughter is from the second marriage). Divorced twice. First time he left me for another woman. Second time I left him for my career (he was stopping it). So now that my career is finally going – I make over 6 figures – I am stuck alone, haha! I used to work as a model when I was 18, so I guess, I look ok for my age. Younger guys still want to marry me and have a kid with me. I don’t want any more kids. I worked hard for my career, and I am not going to through it away to have a kid. Older guys are just older – I do not want to marry 50 year old, sorry.
    I have been marginalized by guys too. And some of them I would consider out of my league – either broke or fat or ugly or just plain stupid. At this point – I gave up. I do not want to be marginalized based on the fact that I’m single. I know that I don’t need a man to have a kid or to retire. I want someone, who would love me, and whom I could love back. I can’t find one.
    So. I go golfing with my married guy friends, go camping with my single women in their 20es and 30es, I go to pubs and watch sport and drink beer when all my friends are busy – always meet a single guy there, I go bowling, I keep going to college part-time – I have graduate degree – but college is just fun at this point, I travel either alone or with my daughter, I mess around with people on Craiglist and dating sites – there is always someone lonely, who wants to do something, and sometimes when I get horny – I admit it – I pick young guys in bars, lol. And when I want a good company, I hang out with my friends in 50es. You know what else? I wanted to go to Dubai for vacation two weeks ago. I just packed my things and went. I wanted to smoke cigarettes last year. So I smoked the whole year, and then I quit. I like waking up and smelling the coffee in a morning. Listening to silence and singing birds. To peace. Sometimes I get bored, and I drive for few hours on a weekend to see an ocean. Sometimes I read a book. You think you can read a book when you are married female with kids? Wrong.
    Sometimes I stand there on a golf range or in Dubai and think: “What would I be doing right now if I’d be married? Probably telling my husband that he is a loser, because he didn’t take the trash out. Or cooking meals for the family. Or attending to screaming children while my husband is on business trip playing golf!!! Or folding endless mountains of laundry.” So. No, thank you. 
    I am single, because I will never stop. I love golf, my career, my child, traveling, going to pubs and having beers, shopping  without someone watching over my shoulder talking about how we should be frugal, sex with random guys, adventure. I will pay my daughter through her Ivy League college when she grows up. I’ll save for my retirement. And then I’ll be done.
    So I guess I would need attitude adjustment. Sometimes I meet a guy or a gal, who tells me: “You know, you should start looking for a husband, you are getting old.” I tell them to take care of themselves and to stop worrying about me – I’ve been there, done that. Don’t like it.
    Oh, even if I end up in a relationship, I usually brake it off after few months – I remember how peaceful and fun it was being single, and I just run away, lol.

    1. 53.1

      Love it!!!!! Good for you. You are really living and that’s what it’s all about. 

  23. 54

    I’m 33 and have been single for five years. It’s been so long since any woman has reciprocated any interest in me that I stopped trying. Loneliness has turned into comfort. I just go to work, keep to myself, watch movies, play guitar and go to the gym. 

    1. 54.1

      Cesar, you are exactly the type of guy these women overlook and you are the guy they should be looking at. when you’re ready, the right woman will find you. Just be open to the possibility. All the best. 

      1. 54.1.1

        when you’re ready, the right woman will find you. Just be open to the possibility. All the best.

        I feel for Cesar, because he “sounds” like a great guy based on this limited info, and he is so lonely.

        And he is one representative of soooo many guys who seem to do “the right things”.  Yet women dismiss them, and do so likely based on some criteria on their 10-page list.

        Unfortunately, while you mean well, your advice to him is lackluster. Cesar needs help.  He’s “ready”, right now. As has been intimated by others, finding a life partner to love with reciprocity, is an “active sport”, in my opinion.  He needs help.

  24. 55

    I think these insights are on target and agree it’s harder for women over 35.  But that right there creates negativity. Oh no, I am over 35. Yes- at this point we need to be opened to 1. Divorced 2. Kids 3. Maybe other non- toxic baggage. But focusing too much on our age automatically makes one feel less than. And that is a self esteem killer. I know 3 women in their early 40s who found love and even one is having a baby. all of the men they are with are age appropriate and these women stopped feeling worth less than a 30 year old. there are demographics and surely – on paper a guy would want the 33 yo over the 44 year old. But that doesn’t mean that love won’t happen with the 44 year old. the more women but into this- the more they set themselves back. Ultimately- it’s self acceptance and the unexpected connection between two people that leads to love. It’s not demographics. And I agree- the best way to meet someone where you can get past that is joining a class or something else. That way- you see who people are. i know a handsome guy who fell in love with a woman 10 years his senior who had a double mastectomy and complete historectomy. He even wanted kids but agreed to adopt with her. Because sometimes live just happens. Yes – the svelte figure and impeccable grooming will bring the men over but it won’t guarantee a connection.

  25. 56

    I feel like there are themes here they women over 35 are less than in the dating world. That’s stinking thinking and a bit of gaslighting. I know a 43 year old who accepts herself and met an awesome guy 4 years younger and they are expecting their first child.  demographics like she  age and looks bring the people over. But sometimes live happens and it supercedes this. This is all a mental thing and self live is the key. 45 or 25- sometimes people fall in love with someone they never would have picked in paper. I also know a handsome successful man that fell for a roman 10 years his senior who had had a complete mastectomy and hysterectomy. He fell for her for her courage and strength. The 25 yo with the ample breasts and jimmy choos could never compeer with the feelings and admiration thus man has for this woman. Yes- present your best physical self but be open and be fierce and believe anything is possible.

  26. 57

    To everyone who has commented on this blog: Not to sound all lovey & sappy, but I just wanted to say THANK YOU. Seriously.  Whether your views have been considered positive or negative, all in all, you guys have some very valuable arguements here. From someone who hasn’t had a boyfriend since age 23
    ( I am now 37, short, petite, cute, but could pass as a 14 year old), you all have given me insight, and have shed the light on reality. I can especially relate to the comentary between Karl & Yawn.

  27. 58

    In my view everyone here is missing the point.
    Who cares what other people think about us? It’s what we think about ourselves as women that matters most. Not who we have on our arm, in our bed, or between our legs.
    I am so tired of reading the same old rhetoric which is combatant and blaming.  Supported by ‘experts’ who have only the knowledge ascertained in an education system constructed with its own limitations.  One can only be enlightened as much as the human race has evolved.  From the information provided here and elsewhere, it appears likely human beings have not evolved very much at all.
    I wonder how long it will be before humans freely admit they are animals who have no idea what they are doing.  Simple, primal beings, who think they’re more than they are.
    If someone to share your life with is what you are really after, then I wish you all the very best of luck with it.
    Oh, and by the by, I’ve not yet met one human on the planet who doesn’t have personal ‘issues’ or matters which they need some help with. No human is perfect, and this imperfectionism in all humans has not been something which has stopped the population growth.

  28. 59

    I’m almost 35 and I can appreciate some of the stuff written here, but I think it also has to be kept in mind that everyone’s life circumstances are different. For me, I had a very serious illness that kept me pretty much bed-bound from the age of 26 to 31. When I started getting a little better, I still didn’t have a relationship in mind – only getting healthier,  and thanking the Lord that I was still here! Now I’m much better and can think about having a relationship. I haven’t met the right man yet, but I am trusting God that He will provide the right one in His perfect timing. Every person that I hoped would be Mr. Right turned out to be all wrong in every way, anyway. Better to be lonely by yourself than lonely trapped in a bad marriage. True love is worth the wait, ladies! 

  29. 60
    singlen normal

    Kenley is the  voice of reason in the comments section.  There are many  stable, attractive single women who just haven’t met someone special.  Unlike most single men, we are actively looking! Most guys would rather stay home with internet porn than talk to a woman and see her as a person. This is what modern society has become. Rather than constantly blaming women for being “picky,”address this fact!! Men aren’t pursuing women, they are either looking for a sex partner or second mom who will Win Them Over.  There are very few men looking for equal partners or real relationships. Also, stop telling women to hang out at bookstores and yoga classes. Those are full of other women and gay men. Get a clue! 

    1. 60.1

      Singlen Normal, Your comments pissed me off here because you blame men for the USA dysfunctional dating culture that your so clueless about
      Nope most men do not stay at home they try and try hard, why do think that PUA Nonsense is so popular?
      Whether to demanding or other issues, Women choose to be alone most men do not have this choice.
      Men that escape are pretty much fed up with the dating scene here. The lucky ones like myself found love abroad the unlucky ones lose themselves in fantasy to keep sane.
      I wish more men here could experience foreign dating if just for the satisfaction of knocking USA women down a notch. I also love how many women claim to have all these positive traits yet they are still single, this alone shows an increasing level of narcissism common in USA women. For example a normal person says: I feel/think that I am attractive to others or based on pass experiences…but the Narcissist thinks that most or all think there beautiful, intelligent, gods gift to humanity, etc. Not to mention demining certain types of men by calling them dirt, losers, creeps, etc.

      1. 60.1.1

        Lol more schadenfreude. Good grief, that nonsense has gotten old.

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