You Deserve A Partner Who Loves You Unconditionally!

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Have you ever felt stronger about someone than he felt about you?

Have you ever been in a relationship where you were always worried about being dumped?

Have you ever longed for someone’s affections, only to be told some version of:

“It’s not you, it’s me.”
“I’m just not feeling it.”
“Let’s just be friends.”
“I think the timing is wrong.”
“We don’t have the right chemistry.”

If you’ve finished elementary school, you probably have!

If you have ever been on the wrong end of an unequal relationship, you know how terrible it feels.

Which means you’ve also spent sleepless nights beating yourself up, wondering what you could have done differently, asking friends how you could have turned things around.

If you have ever been on the wrong end of an unequal relationship, you know how terrible it feels.

Emotions flood over you that you’re embarrassed to admit. Feelings of worthlessness, neediness, confusion.

All because you gave your heart to a guy who didn’t give his back to you.

These are some of the most painful memories from romantic relationships, and, because of them, you may feel that it’s not worth it to date anymore.

Well, if every relationship ends in the same painful fashion, that would make sense.

But there are happy, healthy relationships out there. And the only way for you to find one is to get back out there by breaking your pattern of accepting unacceptable men.

A perfect example is a private dating coaching client of mine named Judy.

Judy is in her early 50’s, divorced, and quite successful.

She confessed that she wasn’t having much success online and told me about how she’s looking for a suitable partner. Someone youthful and passionate; someone who she’d feel excited about seeing every day for the rest of her life.

She signed up to work with me for three months. In that short time, she became an online dating superstar.

Her response rate skyrocketed when she learned to communicate online more effectively.

She graduated my Commitment Course as a stellar and appreciative student, and vowed to keep in touch.

Four months later, I got an email from Judy with an update.

It turned out that Judy was very effective online and had lots of dating choices. But after a few months of dating, she focused her energies on an exciting single dad. Ron may have been divorced with two teenagers, but, at age 52, he was still vibrant and sexy.

Judy hadn’t known this passion for years.

“Best sex of my life,” she told me with a little embarrassment and pride. Hey, who can blame her for developing a close bond with an attractive stallion of a man?

But there was trouble in paradise.

“Best sex of my life,” she told me with a little embarrassment and pride.

Judy’s mom had recently passed away and it threw her into a funk. It doesn’t matter how old you are; a parent is irreplaceable. The loss takes a long time to heal.

And ever since she was in mourning, she felt Ron pulling away. They were, after three months, a couple, yet he wasn’t giving Judy the security of being her official “boyfriend”.

Other emotional needs weren’t been met either.

Judy wanted Ron to drive down and spend the night to comfort her. He finally did it, but only after a considerable amount of negotiation.

Judy wanted to see Ron the following weekend to cheer her up; he couldn’t make time, even though he was able to make time every weekend prior to her mother’s death.

Suddenly, their torrid affair was grinding to a halt. Instead of treating Judy with unconditional love in her weakened condition; Ron treated her like a weak woman.

Needless to say, Judy was walking on eggshells, afraid that Ron would cut her off entirely. She even told me she was more upset about her relationship than she was about her own mother!

Her relationship was wreaking havoc on her life and all she wanted to do was figure out how to get Ron back. That’s why she was calling me for more coaching.

Now it may seem really obvious from the outside what Judy should have done, but when you’re too close to the problem, it’s much harder to take action.

I told Judy that Ron was doing her a huge FAVOR.

“A favor?” she asked. “He’s turning my life upside down. I can’t eat or sleep or think straight until I can get him back.”

Why do you want to get him back? I asked.

“Because I think I love him. I love the way he makes me feel.”

How is he making you feel right now?

“Not very good, obviously. But he’s not doing it on purpose.”

What does it matter? He’s your boyfriend. How do boyfriends generally try to make their girlfriends feel?

“I know, I know. I just don’t understand how he can be this way.”

Who cares?

“What?”

Who cares why he’s this way?

Don’t you think you deserve a partner who treats you the way you deserve to be treated?

Don’t you think you deserve a little warmth and affection?

Don’t you think that the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with will do ANYTHING in his power to take your pain away, rather than make it worse?

“I never thought of it that way”, Judy said.

Why go the rest of your life getting less than you give?

Of course not. You’re crazy about him. And when you’re crazy about someone, it’s easy to willfully blind yourself to his faults.

But when you tally up what you’re giving to the relationship, compared to what you’re getting from the relationship, it’s not even in the same ballpark.

Relationships are about unconditional love, and what he’s showing you is that his affection is ENTIRELY conditional.

Once you weren’t Ms. Sunshine, he had no use for you anymore.

A woman shouldn’t have to beg her boyfriend to see her after she learns her mother has died…

“I know. I just felt like he needed space. I felt like I’d done something wrong…”

It doesn’t take any character to stick with a happy person through good times; it’s when life presents a challenge that you figure out who your friends are.

I appreciate that you’re dazzled by this man, but I need you to recognize that Ron’s not as great as you make him out to be. He’s showing some major character flaws.

“So how do I get him back?”

You don’t get him back, Judy. You thank him for three good months and let him go.

This is why I said he’s doing you a favor.

Some people don’t learn what kind of partner they have until five years into a marriage.

You learned in three months that you’ve got someone who is unfit to give you the unconditional love you deserve.

And so, I encourage you ask yourself how this story applies to you. If you’ve dated at all, you’ve had some version of this experience, with a man pulling away suddenly, and you wondering “Why?”

The fact is: there’s someone in your history whom you thought was perfect, and didn’t give you the love you deserved. Think back to that tortured relationship.

Did you act like Judy?

Did you beg that man back?

Did you agonize about what you could have done differently? Or did you realize that you were being given a gift — an insight – a revelation about the future of your relationship?

A future in which you’re never comfortable, you’re never secure, and you’re never fully happy because it’s impossible to know where you stand.

When you realize that you’re not getting what you’re giving, it’s time to give that relationship a cold, hard evaluation.

Sometimes the people you love the most actually give you the least.

Why go the rest of your life getting less than you give?

You deserve more than that. You deserve it all.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Once Poetic

    I have found myself involved with a few drama men in my life, all ending badly, but I think the last one just topped the cake. I have even confused myself along the way of what is normal and acceptable in a rship by being so charmed and manipulated by them, how i got myself to this point is beside me. I have so much heart to give, and feel I dont want to give it anymore. This last one tied me in emotionally, mentally and financially, I came out with nothing in the end by an unbelievale good con artist, I feel nothing but tramatised and empty, how do you love or trust again?
    maybe one day ill be optimistic once more,  if there is ever a blue sky that comes my way. But I hope  I pay more attention to the red flags that I so blindly ignored previously. As for having children, my biological clock is ticking, I think I have missed the boat, I dont believe I will love again for a long time, and have never known any kind of  love other than drama.

    How much I  have always wanted to be unconditionally loved.

    thank you for your  wonderful blog posts.

    1. 21.1
      Nuria

      Don’t give up on love, look at ways to break your pattern. Have you read anything on the Law of Attraction, it might help

      1. 21.1.1
        Firefly

        Nuria is right. Law of attraction materials are good to look into. Positive thinking never hurt anyone. I have been reading books and watching Youtube videos of Abraham Hicks. Many on those that discuss relationships. They have been invaluable  in helping me understand that I am the one who needs to change. I just needed to seek clarity about what I  want  in a relationship.  It is working. I don’t feel scared to try again.

    2. 21.2
      Kita

      (@21) Don’t give up I too share a story similar to yours you don’t know how comforting I find your story.(I Feel normal) That I am not alone in my struggle! Sister I pray for your strength! to fight for your happiness. I know the pain and emptiness you feel… But there is hope for women like us who love too hard and can’t seem to figure it out. I’m what you call the fixer… Love a man with issues so I can fix him… the last man I loved took everything! My sanity, My life-savings, and My Heart! But I know what’s for me I shall never lose   …So I encourage you to stay strong we will get through this. And just in case you’re skeptical I am not fully healed but I refuse to leave the responsibility of my happiness with anyone but ME! Pray my love it will get better ! I was lost but I’m glad I got rid of him or he dumped me because it could’ve of been a lifetime of foolishness. And believe me I’ve had my fair share of no good men but I know there is Great AMAZING MEN out there who are waiting to find you. PRAY,PRAY,and PRAY you’ve got this !!!!! baby steps count Girl I’m rooting for you LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY

  2. 22
    Snazzy

    Evan said “Did you agonize about what you could have done differently? Or did you realize that you were being given a gift — an insight — a revelation about the future of your relationship?”

    Thanks to Evan’s blogs and Why he Disappeared I finally got it. I used to agonize over what I said, what I did, what more could I have done? what is SO wonderful for me now is I don’t even really wonder “what happened”. I just know it wasn’t right and I’m getting closer to the one that is right!

    We women can waste too much time on the why, what when we should be moving forward. As Evan always says, if a man is into us we know it- we don’t have to wonder- and if HJNTIY move on!

  3. 23
    SR

    Thanks Evan!   I really needed this today.   You do not know how much I needed this.    

  4. 24
    Diana

    Hey Starthrower ~ I understand what you have shared. In a romantic relationship, we fall in love with someone based on how they make us feel, and that is a condition because of all the underlying conditions connected to why we feel as we do about them. If bad behavior is not a condition, then one has to agree that neither is good behavior, yet it’s good behavior that plays a part in who we fall in love with (unless we are emotionally unhealthy).
      
    To be honest, when I read Evan’s explanation for how the man treated her, I didn’t think that love of any kind had anything to do with it. While the feeling of love (which, IMHO, isn’t real that early on) may have been there for Judy, it’s very possible that love hadn’t even crossed the man’s heart or mind. I think the man revealed that he had a major character flaw by not demonstrating to Judy compassion and sensitivity to her situation. Unfortunately, I think the timing of their relationship was teetering between fanciful and something more serious and at that stage, a major life’s blow can be difficult to successfully navigate.
      
    If he felt that he couldn’t, or didn’t want to, emotionally deal with her mother’s passing, including how this would likely impact their time together, then he should have shared this with her. But realistically, how could he do that? What would those words have sounded like? Would he have felt like he was burdening her even more, or weak for not being the pillar of strength he either wanted to see himself as or thought she needed? A lot of people would rather try to fade away than be open and honest.
      
    And I agree with you. Yes ~ if you truly love someone, you should set them free. Judy should do the same.

  5. 25
    Ruby

    Some men will use any excuse to get out of a relationship once the reality of being in an actual relationship sets in. Needing her partner’s support isn’t what caused Judy’s breakup. The breakup was caused by his inability to be there for her when she needed him most. The true test of any relationship is how both parties handle problems and crisis. Ron’s behavior proved that he couldn’t go the distance.

    As far as men with ex drama goes, I’ve found that the men who tell me that their long-term ex or ex’s were “crazy”, aren’t the most emotionally balanced types themselves. Sane people don’t want to be with crazies. Unstable people are the ones who are drawn to drama.

  6. 26
    Margo

    If a man can take you or leave you, leave HIM.

    @Ruby, some men will create drama to make  YOU call the rship off. It’s one strategy in their playbook. Another strategy  they use to end it is to pull away, and when the woman questions it, the excuse is some version of they’re”really busy”. These are basics in their playbook.

    Of course, it’s crappy behavior. These are the men who are not mature enough to have an adult conversation and tell you it’s not working for them. I hope neither of my sons grow up to use this BS on women.

    If you are with a guy that pulls this stuff, you can know for a fact you are well rid of him.

    1. 26.1
      Nuria

      So true Margo, I had one guy pull away and when I questioned him the conversation was so crazy I had to dump him. I think he did the victory dance after I did the deed which he was too weak to do. It was a blessing in disguise.

  7. 27
    loveiseverywhere

    Thanks for your  input  on the rori raye blog. I really  appreciate  your  perspective  and your bravery. It’s a tough forum sometimes!

  8. 28
    Anne

    There are so many apologies and so few decisions. I believe love is based upon decisions first, not on passion. Passion must be but decisons to be faithful keep it alive.

  9. 29
    Selena

    The 3 month mark is  often the defining point: is it love? Or infatuation wearing off? Apparently the latter here. Always a disappointment if you are the one for whom it hasn’t worn off (Judy).

    I don’t believe in “unconditional” love. LIFE sets up conditions as it goes on – one doesn’t know how they will handle situations until they are presented. This guy may lack integrity, but I think it’s  also  possible he would have started pulling back even if Judy’s mother hadn’t passed.   I get the impression Judy was more infatuated than he was. Timing…sometimes coincides with other events.

  10. 30
    Mary

    This post was perfect for me–my (ex) boyfriend of 2.5 years and I ended things 1 month ago. He had the ring, he told his parents, he just was “hesitating” and couldn’t go through with it. It’s been a terrible, terrible month, but better now than never.

  11. 31
    Francesbella

    I have been subscribing to this blog not very long, but I find the insight of EMK for his topics so helpful and get my brain tracking off on another tangent that had not even occurred to me.
    I have read “Why He Disappeared” and have followed along on some of the blog topics; what I get from this one is did Judy allow the feelings evoked by the great sex to get in the way of the other things? I thought I read somewhere EMK suggested not having sex with the fellow until he considered himself your boyfriend. Maybe Judy’s bloke regarded their relationship as more of a casually mutual affair. Not excusing the behaviour, mind, but maybe it’s more common to view the situation from where our feelings dictate, and not from where the relationship really is.

  12. 32
    Lily

    Evan,

    I like this, but like I mentioned at the other place, you are kinda like my new best friend.   Judy’s experience is exactly why I am CDing.   Maybe it’s fear based as well as the other things I mentioned.

    Lily

  13. 33
    Maeve

    Oh–no, I don’t think so.
    I agree with the substance of the advice you gave to Judy, who sounds like a wonderful person and who was being treated horribly by someone who should have had her best interests at heart. He did give her a gift, and once she’s over him, she’ll see that.
    But the only time Judy or you or I or anyone else ever deserves unconditional love is when we are children, from our parents. Period. The search for unconditional love in adult relationships is not healthy. Adult relationships DO and SHOULD have conditions, like: treat me well, or I’ll leave you (Judy’s solution). Or: don’t cheat on me, or the relationship is over. Conditions are just another way of saying boundaries.
    I love my daughter unconditionally. If she hit me over the head with a frying pan and burned the house down, I would still love her. But if a boyfriend ever hit me over the head with a frying pan and burned the house down, I’d lock him in jail.
    I’ve been in Judy’s position, only, as you wrote, I found out after the wedding. It was an enormously painful situation that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I wish her the best of luck and hope she is able to heal, move on, and find someone who deserves her very soon.

    1. 33.1
      Morgan

      @Maeve:

      I have the same idea about unconditional love. When I read Evan’s responses and he uses that phrase, especially in early RS, I cringe. I think it is a worthy topic….
      I look at unconditional love as loving my children-without condition. They always have my love. Always. If my child speaks disrespectfully to me I still love them. Even if my adult child does this I still love him. If he does it repeatedly I’d put up some kind of boundary, as I don’t believe in allowing people to be disrespectful, including my kids, but I’d never stop loving him. I’d never tell him he couldn’t be in my life and I’d never stop accepting him. Ever. But if the guy I’m dating, or quite possibly married to, continued to disrespect me I cannot say I’d always love them. I may put up with it on a bad day once or twice. I will not continue to love them unconditionally if his behavior continues to be abusive, or disrespectful and my self esteem plummets, or if I begin to feel badly every day around them.

      I look at love within my RS as forgiving a bad mood, for instance, or quirks of his that might make me annoyed, mistakes they might make and I believe in accepting my spouse, or RS as he is. I also believe in a lot of forgiveness and also letting some things go. However, character defects do not quite count in the unconditional love category (and I doubt anyone is saying that here…I know Evan does not mean accepting bad behavior). This is what I struggled with when making a decision to divorce my now ex. I stayed too long because I felt I should love him unconditionally but he was verbally and emotionally abusive, controlling, and eventually physically abusive. Believe it or not, my church even told me I needed to stay with him. I did for a long time. I went to therapy with him. I waited while he went to therapy. I tried forgiving. I did forgive. Yet the behavior continued. 8 years later I made the decision to leave him. I believe I waited too long. But I made a commitment and I would not have bailed had he made changes.
      If I am in a very new RS with a guy, I’m observing who he is. Unconditional love doesn’t fit here in my opinion. Acceptance is a better word. Semantics….

      I also take intentions into account. I’d love to see a topic on Intentions as I’m having this conversation with someone right now. I do not think intentions carry much weight. Actions do. I think hearing “But I did not intend to hurt you” is a cop out, especially if it becomes the norm. The guy I recently broke up with would use the Intention thing often. And he would contend Intentions are very important.

      Hmmm, didn’t mean to hijack the topic from OP. I was just happy to hear another point of view on unconditional love. For many women, we stay too long in a bad or abusive RS due to hearing we should have unconditional love. Love with another adult is should be conditional in this way.

      As far as the OP, it is hard to know what was going on with him early in the RS. Maybe he didn’t have enough energy to take on grief at that moment….not giving him an out, but there COULD possibly be extraneous circumstances. In my opinion bailing during the death of her mom is quite pathetic. Even in an early RS. There could have been some kind of support happening. I would def be looking at that piece as a reason to move on from him.

      1. 33.1.1
        SparklingEmerald

        I think “unconditional love” in the context of relationships, means accepting someones quirks and flaws, but NOT mistreatment toward you.

        A quirk could be an unusual hobby, an different way of laughing, a funny little mannerism, or not being able a sandwich unless the crust is cut off. Maybe even some more annoying traits, such as being messy, drumming your fingers, eating crackers in bed, cutting the cheese in bed. We all have our quirks, we all have our annoying habits. Learn to tolerate that little stuff.

        However, cheating, beating, chronic verbal abuse, isolating you from family and friends, destroying or discarding your belongings, “forbidding” your spouse from engaging in harmless activities, etc. are violations of your rights, and is a sign is that YOU are not being given unconditional love. No one should tolerate that stuff.

  14. 34
    Sayanta

    Maeve
    Think Evan means unconditional as in accepting flaws and circumstances, not domestic abuse

  15. 35
    Venus

    I don’t interpret unconditional love to mean putting up with unacceptable or dangerous behaviour.   For me it means having someone who will support you throughout the changes in your life.   Be there if you become ill, be there if you gain 10 pounds, be there if you lost your job, support you if your kid is incarcerated.   etc.   No one wants to be in a relationship where during your most vulnerable moments your support system completely disappears.   Thats horrible.    A good partner is willing to stand by you in good times  AND in bad.   No begging required.  

  16. 36
    Maeve

    I’m not talking about abuse either, as you can see in my comment. There are and there should be conditions on adult relationships.
      
    Someone who puts a condition of “I’ll be there for you so long as you don’t need me,” as in this post, is clearly an idiot. But everyone has conditions. For some people, it’s religion (“I’ll stay with you so long as we are in the same church,” or “so long as we are both atheist”). For other’s it’s hobbies, career (how many people do you know who would leave their marriage if their spouse decided to quit their job and take up surfing or golf?), politics, lifestyle–lots of things.
      
    But it’s unhealthy to look for a relationship in which you will be loved unconditionally, or to look for someone to love unconditionally yourself. It’s better to look for a partner whose conditions you meet, feel comfortable with, and can commit to, and vice versa. Loving unconditionally has a way of trapping people in a bad situation with no easy or obvious exit. Frankly one could argue that if Judy loved her boyfriend unconditionally, she wouldn’t have left him when he proved shallow and unsupportive. That was her condition (after some coaching). It’s a good one.

  17. 37
    starthrower68

    I’m not sure where the impression that unconditiona love means putting up with bad behavior is coming from.   I certainly don’t see it in Evan’s post.   But there certainly is a difference between accepting poor treatment (which no one should do) and accepting someone’s shortcomings.   Evan has said that he is neurotic.   His wife loves him and accepts that as part of who Evan is.   She is getting a loving husband because she accepts his weaknesses as well as his strengths.   It is important to make the distinction between a weakness and an outright character defecit.   Evan might be neurotic, but I suspect that does not get in the way of his love for his wife, and I’m sure it does not lead him to treat her badly.   Does it annoy her?   Perhaps on a bad day.   But she accepts and forgives.   If Evan were a liar and cheater, I’d hope she’d leave him.   But he’s not.   His wife loves him because.   He probably tries to keep his neuroses in check so as not to be a nuisance to her, but she doesn’t try to change him, or threaten to leave if he doesn’t.   Conditional love  would be saying, “I will only love you if you have blue eyes” or “I will only love you if you have sex with me 50 times a week and if you don’t I will never speak to you again”.   Unconditional love is unmerited favor.  

  18. 38
    Selena

    Starthrower #37: “Unconditional love is unmerited favor.” That’s as good a definition as any, but it still assumes   conditions (unmeritied)  will always remain the same. And the level of tolerance will as well.   My contention, ( and Maeve’s ?) is that no one can make such a prediction.

  19. 39
    Flower

    Sorry Judy for the loss of your dear Mother. Thanks Evan for your continued words of wisdom.

    This community is so helpful and  cathartic  cathartic  I lurk more than I post.

    Judy a similar thing happened to me. Was dating a man for a few months when my Mother died not only did he refuse to go to the funeral with me he went on a  scheduled  vacation with a “platonic” ex girl friend during the period before Mom died. Though I was numb with grief I had the sense to dump him a month later.

    Doesn’t matter what a man says it matters what he does. Again, my condoleances on your loss.

  20. 40
    Sarah

    Ron sounds just like an ex of mine.   I too was going through a rough time (also having to do with my mother) and the a$$hole told me I was “too damaged” and dumped me.   (He practically worshiped me when life was easy and I was happy.)   I wish Evan had been there to knock some sense into me when I agonized over what I could have done differently so the a$$hole would still love me, and blamed myself (like the a$$hole did, using my being “damaged” as a reason for my unworthiness), and wished to get him back.
      
    It sure is easy to see what a jerk the a$$hole is when it’s not your emotions going through the wringer.   Much harder when you’ve fallen for someone you thought was wonderful and then he shows you how wrong you were to think that.
      
    Preach it, Evan!

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