How Long Should You Stay With A Boyfriend Who Does Not Believe In Marriage?

How Long Should You Stay With A Boyfriend Who Does Not Believe In Marriage?
253 Shares

Dear Evan,

First of all, I love your advice. In fact, it’s because of your advice that I’m in my first serious, long-term relationship. (We’ve been together a year and a half and live together.) Now, however, I’m confused about the state of my relationship.

See, ever since we started dating – even before we started dating and knew each other through friends – I knew this guy didn’t believe in marriage.

I know you’re going to say: “Why didn’t you pay attention to the negatives?” I can honestly say I didn’t realize at that point that it mattered to me. I’m fairly young (late 20s) and it is just beginning to dawn on me that I’d like to get married. Now I realize how much I do want to get married to the person I love. He still doesn’t believe in it. He believes in long-term commitment and family, but not marriage (his family history is pretty rocky). I said to him that I don’t want to wait, and if I weren’t engaged after a couple years together I would think of moving on.

This really hurts him – to him, BECAUSE I want to marry him and wouldn’t just want a relationship, it means I love him less. He’s offered the following compromise: in a few years, when we decide to have kids, then we can get married. I’m scared, though. Is it stupid to wait that long? And is it a bad idea to marry someone who is basically like “fine, fine, we can get married.” I know he loves me and is committed to me, but I wonder how healthy that is.

Now I feel that this big difference in values is constantly hanging over me, and is making me feel negatively about things.

For a point of reference: our relationship is pretty good. We rarely argue (I would say we’ve had about 3 large arguments in our relationship, and maybe a smaller disagreement every couple of weeks.) We both want kids. We both have our irritating habits but we accept them. —Katie

Dear Katie,

Thanks for your kind words. I’m thrilled that you found a serious, long-term relationship using my advice, and I’m candidly delighted that you even quoted the advice you ignored about “ignoring the positives and believing the negatives”.

It would be easy for me to tell you to run from him. But I’m not so positive that you would be closer to achieving your goal that way.

Except now the chickens are coming home to roost. Or something like that.

Listen, I can’t tell you anything about your relationship that you don’t already know.

I think it’s unfortunate that he has such a distorted view of marriage that he’s given up on it as an institution.

I think it’s great that you’re trying to understand where he’s coming from — how it hurts him that he feels that HE’S not enough without a ring on your finger.

I think it’s telling that he attempted to come up with a mutually agreeable compromise, especially since it’s one where, apparently, you get exactly what you’ve always wanted: a husband, a ring, and a baby

So you’re faced with the timeless dilemma that all women face — should I stay or should I go? This very question was the topic of an hour long FOCUS Coaching call so believe me, I’ve got a lot more to say about it than I can compress into a single blog post.

It would be easy for me to tell you to run from him. I’m sure some of the other readers will say just that. But I’m not so positive that you would be closer to achieving your goal that way. And what we’re always trying to figure out here is effective vs. ineffective — what’s the best way for Katie to achieve her dream of marriage and kids with a man she loves?

So here’s the reason I think you might want to stay and make things work:

As Dale Carnegie pointed out many years ago, people don’t want to be sold; people want to choose.

You meet a pushy car salesman who wants to give you a great deal and won’t let you off the lot until you buy…and you’re not gonna buy from him.

That same car salesman takes the time to ask you what you’re looking for in a car: speed, price, mileage, safety…and you WILL buy from him, because you’re getting to choose on your terms, without any pressure.

The way you have the greatest leverage over your man is if he can’t imagine his life without you.

This is what women routinely forget when they’re angling for marriage. The more you pressure him to know that he wants to spend every day of the rest of his life with you and give you half of his income if he’s wrong, the less he’s going to want to do it.

So your arbitrary timelines: six months, nine months, one year, a year and a half… they don’t mean anything to your boyfriend. They’re arbitrary ticking clocks that you’ve created to justify your insecurity about investing time in one man. If you push for marriage too soon, before he’s ready, you will not get married to him. The woman who does get married to him will be the one who is patient enough to let him choose her.

The way you have the greatest leverage over your man is if he can’t imagine his life without you. One and a half years into knowing my wife, I could easily imagine life without her. Three years in, and I would be a hopeless, lonely, drooling idiot without her.

Your age, Katie, is a considerable factor. If you invest two or three more happy years in your boyfriend and decide to have kids at age 32, then you will likely get everything you want.

If, for some reason, your live-in boyfriend of 4  ½ years — a man who is virtually a common law husband — a man who says he loves you and wants to be a father someday — if, for some reason, he balks at marriage before kids, THEN you dump him.

However, unless your boyfriend is a liar, such behavior would be entirely illogical and inexplicable. And since he’s your boyfriend, I’m not counting on him being a liar.

I think he’s a good man who loves you, wants to be a dad, but wants to make sure he’s not making a huge mistake like so many others he knows.

Enjoy your relationship, become indispensable to him, and he will voluntarily want to lock you in for life when you’re both ready to have kids.

Remember, men act in their own self-interests and it’s in his self-interest to keep the woman he loves the most.

If I’m wrong, you would still be 32 and have your prime dating years ahead of you.

This woman and this woman gave their relationships 2-3 years to fully cement and ended up getting the marriage they always desired. It just took a little more patience.

If you think he’s “the one,” then I think it’s worth the risk. Good luck.

Join our conversation (307 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 141
    Vee

    Katie,

    I’m not sure how old this post is, or what you ended up deciding, but I had to comment because I was in the EXACT same situation as you. My bf and I were together for five years before marriage was brought up (we were very young when we started dating), and he told me he didn’t believe in marriage, but wanted a committed, monogamous relationship, and wanted children some day. At this point, we had had a happy and committed relationship for five years, one of those years being long distance. I told him that I was fine simply being together for the time being, but that I wanted to be married before we had children. He agreed, and so we compromised. We moved in together, and now, six years later, we both feel ready to have children and are planning a wedding this year. He still believes marriage is an antiquated institution, but he is doing it to make me happy.

    Evan gave very good advice. If you really want to be with him, be patient. He has said he’ll get married to make you happy, which shows how much he cares about you. If you have a wonderful relationship with this man, and it is worth it to stay, then stay. I think you would regret it if you gave up on a loving relationship just because he isn’t entirely thrilled about marriage. Most men really aren’t, anyway.

    Believe in love! Good luck!

  2. 142
    Kendra

    I don’t know how old this is, but here’s my two cents.    Don’t wait another 3 years.   You can’t get back years of your life.   If you want to be married and he doesn’t, then you’re incompatible.    Why would he not want to marry you even if you never had kids?   Your desires are just as important as his.   Don’t let him diminish what you need, to please himself.

  3. 143
    April

    It’s really hard for me, as a woman that is the bread winner in my  relationship, to read all the posts that immediately imply that women push for marriage so they can be financially taken care of.   Guess what people……women have jobs too, women get taken advantage of in marriages too, and most women under 30 that I know make more money than their significant others.   So stop saying a women gains all in a marriage and a man gains nothing, it is an old way of thinking and needs to be stopped.

  4. 144
    Michael

    No woman has her prime anything ahead of her at 32. Your prime years are 10 years behind you at that point sisters, and I’m just being honest.

    1. 144.1
      GoWiththeFlow

      Michael,

      Actually, women’s fertility is quite well preserved until the age of 40.   Even after 40, up until age 42-43 the majority of women who want to get pregnant, will.   A woman who turns 32 today and gets married tomorrow can pop out 4, 5, 6, 7. . . kids before her reproductive system starts winding down.

      At the same age that her reproductive system is winding down, men’s fertility/sperm quality also begins to decline.   This is the reason why cryobanks have age cutoffs for sperm donors at 35-38 years old.

    2. 144.2
      GoWiththeFlow

      One more thought about your theory that age 22 is  the life top out point for women: Be sure to let everyone know that  Theresa May, the new Prime Minister of Great Britain, is hopelessly past her prime.

      1. 144.2.1
        michael

        Don’t get me started on that unelected harridan. Why on earth would your mind go there as an example of a woman in her prime? My lord.

        Just because a female can have kids well into her 30s and 40s doesn’t mean that she should. Besides, just because a steak isn’t actually rotten yet doesn’t mean that you should eat just before it does.

        But really though, there is nuance in this conversation.

        What I feel is setting women up in a bad way, an almost cruel way, is to tell women past 30, past the wall, past their peak of male-attention-winning, is that at 32, she has “prime dating years” ahead of her. Yeah, dates with mediocre men unable to score her younger, prettier, fitter sister. Women past that age are duds, and that’s not just the opinion of a random twerp on the internet, and I think we all recognize that, even if I’m a tool for breaking into a circle jerk to say it.

  5. 145
    Ron

    Very risky for us men to get married again, especially if you had been married twice already and you had two real losers for a wife.

  6. 146
    Erica

    Better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and in health. If a man doesn’t want to marry you it’s because either he doesn’t think he can stay true to these vows or he doesn’t trust that you can. Either way, thats not a good position for you to be in.

  7. 147
    Vanna

    I’ve been with the same guy for 4 years. We have a house together, life insurance for eachother. Our relationship is pretty good 3 major fights and little tiffs ever so often. He is my best friend, but I’m tired of calling him my boyfriend! In the eyes of others and the law, boyfriend is pretty insignificant. Our state does not recognize common law marriag nor does our community and families. I would prefer to elope and have a fabulous vacation together. I am being firm about wanting a ring, ridiculously they sparkle and I love it! He made a comment that he didnt want to buy a ring and then I break up with him. It kinda makes me feel like im living with someone elses mistakes. My psychic says there is a lot of love in our relationship, but I should leave if this marriage thing doesn’t happen soon.

  8. 148
    Jack

    Marriage is so anachronistic and nonsensical, especially for men. ***hint …In case you’re not aware of it, most men have to be cajoled into marriage, but they don’t really want any part of it. They’re just acquiescing because they’ve succumbed to the incessant barrage of passive aggressive hints and threats.

    And why is a relationship a failure if I don’t marry my long term girlfriend? Does it mean I love her less? Of course not.   Who’s great idea was it anyway to create a union between a man and women predicated on letting lawyers, the government, and IRS   dictate the rules of your relationship.   All this pageantry nonsense and social pressure to get married is so confounding to me.

    1. 148.1
      Karmic Equation

      There are governmental, legal, and healthcare benefits when a couple marry.

      Lower tax rate. God-forbid if one person in the LTR dies and doesn’t have a will, who inherits his assets? Instead of two single people on different healthcare plans, sometimes the “family plan” is less expensive and typically, one plan is noticeably better than the other.

      So, in the current economic climate, it is NOT anachronistic for couples to marry for the economic and estate-inheritance benefits both would enjoy. And if they both want to have children, then marriage is even more necessary…for the children and THEIR healthcare…and emotional health. If both parents are good people and have a good relationship, the children are more likely to prosper and learn what good relationships are all about, even if the couple divorces. If either the mother or the dad are bad parents, or really can’t stand each other, then the children will more likely suffer whether the parents are together or apart. — So moral of the story: if you’re going to marry, marry a good person. If you’re a guy, don’t let her beauty blind you to her faults. If you’re a woman, don’t let “chemistry” blind you to his.

      That said, if BOTH parties don’t want children, and both make good enough money to to not want or need the lower tax rates or better health insurance plans, then an LTR should be sufficient, imo.

      Finally, if you’re a guy who has already determined you will never marry. Tell that to your date before you ask her to be your girlfriend. Be a good man and tell her no matter how long you’re together, you don’t believe in marriage. And let her decide whether she wants to take that deal or not: you and no marriage OR marriage but not with you.

      That is what a “good guy” who doesn’t intend to ever marry would do.

      1. 148.1.1
        Chance

        “Be a good man and tell her no matter how long you’re together, you don’t believe in marriage.”

        “That is what a “good guy” who doesn’t intend to ever marry would do.”

        These statements don’t hold up to logic.   A man is obligated to tell a woman he’s dating that he doesn’t ever intend to marry only once.   At that point, the woman can either accept this or she can leave him.   He doesn’t need to tell her this repeatedly throughout the relationship to qualify as a “good guy”.   If the woman changes her mind without telling him, or is silently hopeful that he will change his mind, she is the one who isn’t being truthful.   She is obligated to communicate that her desires have changed.   Expecting a man to repeatedly state such a thing is manipulative, and no amount of shaming is going to change that fact.

        1. Shaukat

          @Chance,

          I think you may have misinterpreted what KE meant. I took her statement to mean that a man should tell his date/girlfriend (once)  that no matter how long their relationship lasts, he will not change his mind about marriage. But she can clarify what she meant.

        2. Karmic Equation

          Your interpretation is correct, Shaukat. Thanks.

          Chance, if you haven’t already, you ought to read “The Tell-tale Heart” by Edgar Allen Poe.

        3. Chance

          Ah, it looks like I did misinterpret that comment.   We’re in agreement now.   However, it appears that you’ve changed your stance from when you had a problem with me telling my girlfriend that I didn’t ever want to get married, and you felt that I should have told her again.   At any rate, we’ve discussed it several times, and since she isn’t an infant or one of those women who pretends to “get and understand men” because they find it to be an effective strategy for dating up, I’m confident she takes me at my word.

  9. 149
    Ciaranne

    Hi katie and Evan, I myself am in the same predicament as you, I know that I definitely want to get married, and hopefully have children at some point, but I also have no time line on when these things will be done. I’m very laid back, and am very much a sort of go with the flow type of person, and luckily I have a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend. All in all its pretty healthy, we don’t really argue, but communicate always and neither of us have any secrets, but the only underlying issue is between us, and will come up every now and then, is that he doesn’t want marriage and children, but I do!! The silly thing is, he has said before that he wants all of that, and we have split up a few times because when it’s come up and said it’s not what he wants, I’ve turned round and said that it’s completely fine to want different things, we’re all entitled to feel how we want to feel. My other half has even turned round and said that he feels like he has to marry me and have children because he doesn’t want to lose me!! And I don’t want that, I want him to want it because that’s his choice as well as mine, not because I’ve held a gun to his head!! I also understand he’s obviously feeling pressure because he knows it’s what I want, although it’s not even what I want right now, because our relationship is pretty much perfect as it is, but it is something I want in the future, so do I walk or stay??!!! I also know why, my boyfriend doesn’t want these things because all of his friends tell him not to do it,that he’ll be making a massive mistake because it changes everything, and it probably does 1 if you’re ready for it and 2 if you want it. Who  really knows what the right answer is, but if it feels right and you feel like you’re with the one (which I do by the way) then keep going, and if it doesn’t work then it’s just a learning curve to make you a better person!! As long as you’re not sacrificing yourself in the process and giving up what you can’t live without, then it’s not worth ruining a great relationship, but deep down in your gut you’ll know what’s right, you always do.

  10. 150
    Stephen

    If a woman wants children then she better agree to sign a binding financial agreement prior to living together. The fact of the matter is many men are scared shitless of having children and being used and abused by the family law courts generally. If you want a man to open up to the idea of having children (that which most want deep down inside), then you must agree to sign the financial contract so the man can feel peace of mind and give in. That’s the answer, it’s (mostly) about matters of money and self-preservation.  

  11. 151
    Bill

    You said, “I think it’s unfortunate that he has such a distorted view of marriage that he’s given up on it as an institution.”

    Several men have commented here on the current state of family law – you yourself noted that a man risks half his lifetime income on it (often it’s more), and yet you missed it.

    Family law is certainly why I gave up on the institution. I can certainly understand why women want it – what a deal! – but I honestly think that any man who signs up for it has some pretty serious self esteem issues.

    What’s unfortunate is not that this man has given up on the institution. What’s unfortunate is that so many still get pressured into it.

    1. 151.1
      Are you serious??

      What a deal?   Statistics show that women are FAR worse off after divorce than men.   I can’t even be bothered to go into the details of why this is so and why it isn’t HIS lifetime work but THEIRS that leaves her perpetually unable to have the same career path as him.. YAWN… It’s pretty obvious to everybody who has been in it or is a critical thinker.   I will never marry again.   It is an institution that ONLY serves men. Why women would ever want to give up anything for a man to advance his career, look after his home and his children and his clothes, bills etc.. is beyond me.   I did that and frankly I’m OVER drudgery.   Men who cannot even appreciate what women give up in marriage are poor partners, as well.   If they can’t appreciate having a live in slave looking after their lives and children so they can advance in their fields,   then FUCK EM. Apparently, the law CAN appreciate the sacrifice women make to be with self serving men. I despise the shackle of marriage. It was made FOR men BY men and they are the ones who benefit from it. Women are applying for divorces the minute they realise they are unappreciated, unloved and despised for the sacrifices they make for the family unit, while he reaps the career benefits of a regular income. YUCK. Women – don’t get married. It is a trap.

      1. 151.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        Unless, of course, you find a guy who is attractive and warm and generous and loving and loyal who stands by your side, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, ’til death do you part. Then, it’s kind of nice.

    2. 151.2
      Stacy2

      “a woman looking for a husband has never had one”. Statistics overwhelmingly show that married women are worse off vs. their unmarried counterparts. They die younger, they make less money. The opposite is true for men. The institution of marriage is designed to benefit men. Statistics also show that divorced women take longer (if ever) to remarry, while men remarry quicker. Why is that? Because a divorced woman knows what a shitty deal marriage is and she’s like “yeah thanks but no thanks”. But a divorced man is looking for the next woman to suck the life out of. The bottomline is, marriage is a bad proposition for women, unfortunately most of them (myself included) have been so brainwashed into wanting one that  they only realize it  after the fact.

        1. Stacy2

          Yeah cause as the article states they were happier to begin with (ie prior to marriage). Marriage did not make them happy. As far as the tangible other stuff, my stats are correct.

          http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-stress-of-marriage-shortens-your-life-by-a-year-if-youre-the-wife-5335547.html

          Marriage helps husbands to an extra 1.7 years, but it knocks 1.4 years off the average wife’s lifespan, according to the study of more than 100,000 people across Europe.

          http://time.com/money/4097277/pay-gap-working-women-men-difference/

          The second-greatest adjusted wage gap between peers (1.6%) was that between married women and men without children, suggesting that marriage itself – and not just having children – is correlated with greater pay inequality. Unmarried women, either with or without children, fare much better than married women do when compared with their single male counterparts.

          So let’s see… I fail to see a correlation between having a shorter life expectancy and a smaller paycheck and a “great deal”.

           

          Ah, of course, if my husband is an angel who never stresses me out, supports my dreams and ambitions, doesn’t act like a baby, does not increase the amount of housework by 7 hours a week (as on average stats show men do), and is also fit, emotionally stimulating and great in bed, and is able to support himself financially than yes. I suppose the stats don’t apply. There’s one catch though. He’s a unicorn. He doesn’t exist.

           

      1. 151.2.2
        ScottH

        Stacy-   sounds like you should go find a cabin in the woods somewhere and live by yourself.

  12. 152
    Henriette

    Yes, marriage carries serious financial risks for the partner, male or female, who has more assets.   However, even without marrying, having children with a person also puts you at financial risk.   And, even without having children, living together can ~ in many places ~ also carry some or all of the financial risks as marriage (eg. where I reside, living together for 3 years = common-law marriage).   So, please don’t imagine that by simply avoiding matrimony, you and your money are safe from the courts.

  13. 153
    Daniela Rodriquez

    Hi Katie,

    Why don’t you in a nice way counter his “deal” of wait 2 years, by hanging in there for another year, while preparing to get pregnant. Like eating well, and planning financially, doing fun sexual stuff. By the beginning of the second year you could start trying, and voila! By the time he’s ready for marriage, you can give birth! And hold to his agreement. Because really, and honestly, that’s a large part of what this is about. (having a family) Evan is right that you should stay in, but HOW you stay in can get the results you desire, as well.

    The way it stands now, he’s getting exactly what he wants and, really, your holding off your fertility for another 2 years. Let’s be devil’s advocate, and say, you guys break up, and your 32. That means back to square one! And you date, and 6-9 months later you meet another great guy. So then he wants to wait 2-3 years. Now your 34-35. So now you start getting pregnant at 35. And either presto your pregnant, or, it takes a year to get pregnant. So now your having your first at 37. Anyway point being: starting at 32 sounds like time, only if things move fast. If   they move like the relationship your in now, you’d be 39 before he would commit and 40-41 by the time you get pregant and give birth. Just saying. and guys never have to think along these lines! It’s not that they are being horrible, it’s just they never have to get pregnant!

    I would definitley stay in, but get ready! 2 years for planning a family and a marriage sounds like a lot of time, but really isn’t. Why not get an extra job and put money aside? Why not start taking pre-natals? Why not do fun things with your man now that you can’t when you have a newborn? See what I mean?

    Then this is just a reality check: see Evan wouldn’t HAVE 50% of his clients if this scenario wasn’t happening (and aparentley his own wife went through this serial monogomy in 30s):

    Boyfriend 1 (3 years) no marriage. Now boyfriend 2 decides he doesn’t want marriage after 2-3 years either. Now back out at 35 starting at square one! Have you seen the women on this post on how it is finding a man to have kids with at 35, 37, 40? Big difference! And they want to move fast now! Do you think the guys want to move fast? Maybe…but more likely…no. Do you really want to be in that position? No! Ask some women in Evan’s 35-40 group who want kids.

    Not to be pessimistic, but guys really have nothing to lose by waiting for 2-3 years. They will not loose shelf-life or fertility, and women will (sorry ladies, but generally speaking as far as youth and fertility). They will have more choices when they get older, and you will have less. Being single for a man at 35 is totally different than for a woman. And that’s only 7 years away from 28!

    I would keep the man, but get ready like I said. Also, never cheat on your man EVER, but maybe start going to a meet up, or side job where you get to persue an interest and meet other guys and girls. Get into some new circle, and know you can meet people again that are high quality. Have fun. I mean in 2 years you could develop some skill, get certified, or have some great friends. Basically your ready for either scenario with boyfriend 1 now. Family, or try again.

    At your age now you never think that in 7 years you could be single. (35) But it happens fast. Do what you can, so you don’t look back and go “What did I do?”

    By the way your guy sound legit, but you will have to whoo him. Guys like it. NOT pushy. They want to be wanted, adored, and shown gratitude. Make it a point to really genuinley show him this, and hopefully it brings you both closer to that oneness. Best!

  14. 154
    Jake

    Wow. you know I was rather looking into this subject to get my girlfriends point of view since I’m the “non-believer” when it comes to marriage. the initial blog was amazing,,,,but the comments and posters are really depressing. a bunch of woman complaints about time lines etc, and men referring to it as screw jobs. now I understand both sides but this argument is really outlandish I’ve been with my gal going on 8 years and I pay for absolutely everything including her 4 cars. I’m damn cretain I love her and I don’t need a paper or ring to say that……you woman talking about time lines etc you don’t have experation   unless you give yourself one choices such as money spent etc ate not made for financial Gain but because at that time you loved that person and even if it don’t work out and you gain nothing oh well

    I

  15. 155
    Jake

    SEEMS like alot of you are more concerned with financial gain and loss and have forgot about the whole LOVE aspect of things. this is why I’ll never marry it’s all about money and finances and womanhood timelines not love…..I personally believe almost every woman on this post should probably go see a therapist

    1. 155.1
      Ladybug

      I agree.

  16. 156
    Jen

    My boyfriend has same issue. I can’t wait cause I already waited. I am 33 now and I’m planning no pain break up now. Don’t be fooled.

  17. 157
    Ladybug

    Ok my 5 cents in this conversation. To me it looks like some ladies set a price tag on themselves and their effort in a relationship and discard the effort man puts in. If you want to marry property and financial richness, go ahead, I guess that’s your choice. Then again if you want to marry a man because of him – now men, if your wife is working outside of the house share taking care of the household before you say anything at all – you are the right tracks. Signing that paper should come out of love to each other not from selfish greedy insecure grounds. And yes I was twice proposed by very rich men, guess what, I turned them down, simply because I did not love neither of the men. Marriage does not equal financial security. It does not work like “I have p…. I make the rules” nor “I work so I make the rules”, It Is sharing and pulling a rope together to the same direction.

  18. 158
    Janet

    Reading some of these replies really frustrates me. Men act like women only marry because of money or half of their assets. I am divorced, I married too young and we didn’t grow together. We grew apart. I was the one who suggested divorce, but I know he has to be happier now as well, so it benefited us both. I didn’t take a dime of his money. We sold out home, split the debt and custody of our daughter. Didn’t even go to court. He makes quite a bit more money than I do and I accepted a third of what the child support office offered. I don’t want his money, I make enough money myself and I know if my daughter needs something all I have to do is ask. To lump all women in the same group and say marriage benefits us financially is not fair.   I think men I date most definitely respect me more because of this, because I do play fair and don’t look to a man to provide for me. I know this isn’t always the norm but it should be. My ex and I get along great and we both provide all we can for our daughter and I think keeping our interest out of the courts was good for everyone.

  19. 159
    Stephanie

    I had a nine year relationship with someone who refused to marry. We lived together, I definitely paid more out financially over the years. He helped me raise my kids….now he’s gone and I’ve wasted my 30s…. Fast forward to my current relationship, I found myself another man who is anti marriage. I love him but I’ve been here before. I want someone who will love me enough that they want me to be their wife. I don’t want to spend 20 yrs with someone only to have a stranger decide their fate if they’re in poor health because we don’t have a marriage license.

  20. 160
    Erin

    So your arbitrary timelines: six months, nine months, one year, a year and a half… they don’t mean anything to your boyfriend. They’re arbitrary ticking clocks that you’ve created to justify your insecurity about investing time in one man. If you push for marriage too soon, before he’s ready, you will not get married to him.  The woman who does get married to him will be the one who is patient enough to let him choose her.

    Boom. I’ve been struggling with something similar to the OP and searching for guidance b/c my boyfriend is WONDERFUL. Bingo! It’s my own insecurity that nagging at me. Love this, it was just what I needed to read.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *