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  1. 61

    this is more serious than I thought and the red flag to me isn’t what you think it is. It’s the “charming” part. This   is a bugbear of mine, having dated the consummate charmer.
    as lurking says, it,s about manipulating you.
    by all means enjoy a man or woman,s charm at a social function for an hour or two.   But don’t get it confused with good intentions, the ability to follow through, reliability. It,s a snow job. Sometimes these charmers just say things to shut you (or your therapists up).
    my boyfriend is kind and reliable. i see him often. When he comes over he insists on doing housework. He didn’t contribute to the mess as he never stays over (yes in the 21st century some of us are still waiting for marriage to have sex ). He has never charmed me or seduced me. At first i found it weird and wondered if he even fancied me but I realise now he will not say or promise anything that he can’t back up with action.  he does compliment me now though but it,s not to get anything from me.  
    It,s not your husband,s working hard which is your real problem. You can’t believe what he says so you can’t trust him. Without trust you have nothing.

  2. 62

    Not that it’s excusing his behaviour, but it sounds like the husband has some major issues about growing up poor, and his overwork is trying to compensate, to ‘never be poor again’. Maybe if the OP addresses the problem through this issue there might be a chance to work on it and fix it (if he’s willing to look deep within himself).

  3. 63

    You really hit the nail on the head! Thank you! I had a good man that was a terrible partner and so-so father of the only child we have. I wouldn’t have another based on how aloof he was during the pregnancy and first 6 months of the kid’s life. He didn’t want another kid because my libido went down during pregnancy and multiple complications prevented it. He admitted that and I am still disgusted! Counseling and him knowing I was thinking of leaving did not change him. He cried and screamed, but didn’t show long lasting change. I diagnosed him with untreated add-inattentive, but he is still unmedicated after getting a positive diagnosis a year ago. We are separated now, but are staying friendly because of our son. He helps out with my bills and I keep his finances on track. He would take me back in a heartbeat, but I am done with that rollercoaster.  

  4. 64
    A husband

    Good enough is not good enough. What’s wrong with women? and men!???  
    Jesus fucking christ always wanting the moon and stars, while the ocean is right there.
    Se ahogan en un charquito. Al chile.  
    “omg, my husband works, doesn’t beat me, is a great provider, has a kid, but i am not happy, wahhhh.” Suck it up woman! FFS a marriage is not so you can test and try until you find the one.  
    Sucks to be you, but you have no choice, your fault by saying yes.
    Personal anecdote:  
    My wife married me because she got pregnant, i had asked her to marry me before we found out she was pregnant. She said no, i am not ready etc. Two weeks later when she found out, she all of a sudden was ready. Well guess what? I wasn’t and i didn’t accept her proposal for months, while still living together. And with that “payback” (gesture)   i made sure to make a point BEFORE we got married. The point was this: I am not doing anything in this marriage just because of my son, you will not hold me hostage to your will just because you hold the cards. You could have done something to make him understand that “work all day no party all night” was not going to be okay with you.
    Having known that, I was prepared to take anything she threw this way. i knew she didn’t love me the way i did, which i didn’t mind. I am a logical reasonable thinker. Love comes and goes, and i was willing to deal with a woman that didn’t wanna marry, bipolar, alcoholic, and a total bitch when drunk (she has great qualities as well, those are her “bad” ones, nothing else really) that became my wife. And deal i did. For 5 years so far. Dealt with abuse, verbal abuse, a lot of it. Physical abuse? not so much, i am a man and can somewhat protect myself. But mental abuse? Man there was a lot, i mean a lot. Unimaginable words. It hurts more when it comes from a person that you love. But guess what? Not once did i consider leaving a real option. Why? Because i knew what the fuck i was jumping in, and momma raised no punk ass bitch to run away when shit hits the fan.
    I chose her, i wanted that responsibility, i wanted that challenge. And now my wife is not an alcoholic, not a bitch cause she is not drunk, she controls her feelings, and understands reason. Now i have what i knew she could be, a good person. And as a wife!   
    Guess what? I am happy. Because deep down inside i know i am doing good.
    Sorry to say it, but you are spoiled.
    Ps. My wife spends maybe 20 hours in a week at home, working, working, working, every single day. I don’t get love, i don’t get miss you, i don’t get that on a daily basis. And i am sure many have it that way, and they are still married.
    This whole “if there is no love there is no marriage” is bullshit. Feelings get in the way of rational thinking. Which has kept at least one marriage going, mine.  
    If good enough is not good enough for you, then go find that “perfect relationship/man”

  5. 65

    ‘m really becoming disappointed   with love, relationships, and humanity in general. As people, we have all come to exhibit selfish, entitled, confrontational, cruel, un-empathetic, hurt, tired and numerous other traits we can’t seem to find a way to harmony. Whether its Ann, her husband, posters. What is wrong with this society?  

  6. 66

    Sure, there are times when it’s best for both to end things, but talk to him. He loves you and is working hard to make a better life than the one he grew up with. Read the 5 love languages. It explains a lot.

  7. 67

    I have been married less than 90 days and I am lonely. It’s sad I love to love, hug, communicate , ect…….we do not conversate at all. He is always on his phone and lap top from the time he opens his eyes until goes to bed and I’m the middle of the night if he uses the bathroom. There is I good morning babe but his phone is caressed and loved. We do not talk at all and barely message. I just read someone’s reply and it makes since he is satisfied with his gadgets and I am readily available for any of his needs so he’s not lonely or unhappy. It is so hard to swallow this as being my marriage. It’s crazy and I am emotionally and verbally abused. I have prayed alone and with a pastor wife and friends. I believe this is it overall. This isn’t me at all not my character . 😱😩

  8. 68
    Workaholic Man

    Hi every one,

    I am a workaholic man have been married for over 25 years and have 3   bless children and a happy wife, thanks god. base on myself experience, I worked 6 days/week sometime 15 hours per/day. at the time I worked hard I thought I raise my kids my family but recently one of my kid said daddy! you did not raise me mom did I was shocked, my heart was broken. Here what you can try, talk to him what he want to get done or accomplish, how long, can it be done? use your talent to help his talent (his talent is workaholic) to get thing better the way both of you want. ask your kid to remind his/her daddy about his talent. my opinion learn how to spend is easier than learn how to earn. Do I want to work none stop? NO NO but in my head I have an obligation to do, hard to let it goes.

  9. 69

    Evan hit the nail on the head with his response.

    Unless the man’s habits changed drastically, he has always been unbalanced in his work habits and Ann could not have failed to notice this. She willfully ignored all the signs because she wanted to be married at that particular time.   Even if he was not working so much when they were dating, there were likely signs that should have signaled trouble (for example, financial irresponsibility  that has  now resulted in him  having to burn the midnight oil to get out of debt).

    Men show you who they are.   My mistakes with men have consistently been a resulting of my failing to observe and heed the warning signs they give with their behavior.


  10. 70

    Dear Ann,


    Hey I can relate to you because my bf of 6 years is really stingy too. Lately though I’ve learned that it’s important to make him compromise if he’s very stingy. Since the beginning he has very rarely taken me out anywhere, and when we first started dating I would pay for everything. During this 6 years we have only went on one vacation, and it was to visit my home in New York. I tried talking to him about going on vacations but he grew up poor and explains he gets nothing out of going on vacations. I told him it was a need but he still argues with me about it. I think in your case it’s really hard to salvage because you are more generous than he is. Technically you are investing way more into the relationship. If he refuses to change I suggest instead of paying for counselors just refuse to pay for anything. Stop paying for anything right now! That way even if you were to go on vacations–paid by you, he still would have invested more money into buying basic necessities like food and for shelter. I am training my bf right now. I cook and I expect him to pay for glocceries and my ticket to his home. Just like in the past, he doesn’t go on date nights with me, doesn’t give me any gifts, and I don’t give him gifts either, so getting him to pay is how I ensure at the very least he’s investing. But it’s kind of hard because my mom is also generous and whenever she invites him to eat she spends much more on him than he would on several weeks of glocceries.   That’s what really stingy men do, make you obsess over money because they are more obsessed with saving it than making you happy. The funny part is they have no qualms of getting the best for themselves. I am like you, Asian so I can relate to just how much crap we can take and compromise before we leave. My major qualities that kept me around so long was that A) he wasn’t a womanizer B) he has a good job and C)he has genes D) he is charming. I am his equal on all of those regards, in fact I expect to earn even more. I’m getting close to 30 now, but you know no offense but that kid is only your step kid. With all that you’ve talked about, why not marry someone else? Lots of guys look good on paper and there are guys that aren’t stingy or trainable to be not stingy. If your guy refuses to be trained then he can go look for someone else. Maybe you can find someone less stingy and have a biological kid with them. I say this but I think I know what the problem is for both of us. Lack of self-esteem. But in all honesty is crying every weekend worth it? It’s getting a little better for me lately because even though he is still resistant to wanting to go on vacations to spend money on datenights (he thinks it’s cool to stay at home and watch superhero movies all the time) he’s at least learning to spend some money on glocceries now. But still I don’t know if it’s going to be enough. Based on what I’ve heard from you you’re good enough to find someone really good. This guy has too much bagage.

  11. 71

    If he married you a catholic, a catholic woman only needs to cater to her husband provided he treats her right, how is him expecting you to pay for half of everything, then treat him to vacations, and do all the womanly stuff like cooking and cleaning taking care of you? He better pay for everything and put your name on the housing title. Even then if he doesn’t show you at least a little bit of attention just leave him. You don’t have a kid with him and there are plenty of good men in NYC, asian men, good asian men that like him, though have a kid, will treat you very well, dote on you and make sure you get nice date nights and give you control over their purse strings. Dump that cheapskate!

  12. 72

    In fact I know some men right now that are like that, have a kid, makes over 6 figures, that want to find an asian bride. I mean why not one of these guys? They make great money look good on paper, and will woo you. I’m sure there’s some guys like that in Los Angeles too. Just lonely guys that know generosity of spirit and was raised to treat women well. It’s not your kid! you don’t have to take care of him, he’s not your biological responsibility.

  13. 73

    Dear Anne,

    Not sure how old this thread is..and I hope things are much better; but just to add my input, I was married to a charming handsome man for 4 years and we had 2 kids. He was selfish and manipulative in the most subtle nice ways. Would say how much he loved and cared for me even while behavior never budged (little attention, not helping out, also refused vacation & fun, ignored my b-day etc)… divorce was a huge relief despite losing most custody of my 2 own kids and years of continued meanness when true colors emerged. He chose to divorce, and as a Christian I’d have stuck it out so its a double blessing he did. I remarried 8 years later to a much better husband but would have been perfectly happy staying single.

    My advice: Leave. You are just filling a vacancy I.e. being used; and throwing away your life. Believe me, if he’s any decent you can still occasionally see the boy but if not he’ll still be fine and you’ll have a chance for your own happiness.

    Don’t worry about family or friends at all, you can’t predict or control their reactions. If they care about you they’ll be kind.  Best wishes.

  14. 74

    Here’s what you do, hon. Next time he’s home and smiling at you you sit him down and say, “I want you to take me out some place new and fun on Saturday (or whenever sounds good to YOU).” He will most likely start making excuses, but you just keep staring at him. Don’t cave. He needs to realize that being a good husband requires spending quality time with you. Some men are just thick-headed and think their only job as a husband is to provide. He needs to know spending time with you is part of his JOB. Sounds like job is the only language he speaks. Good luck to you!

  15. 75

    Please leave him,

  16. 76


    he is using you as a babysitter for free

    and bear half of his living expenses

    he is having his love life outside

    he call to check on u like a employer checking on his maid or babysitter to make sure u r not being lazy

    leave fast don’t let him use u any longer



  17. 77

    He may have deep seeded psychological issues from his childhood. If he has a distant father and a overbearing and passive aggressive mother, he might have “nice guy syndrome”. It’s not easy marrying a guy who seems so wonderful to everyone else, but isn’t there for you emotionally. They are usually terrified of emotions, any emotions, and will try to shut these circumstances down in any way possible. If this applies to your guy, look up nice guy syndrome.   Good luck.

  18. 78

    I believe this situation is universal due to cultural pressures in my case. I was married young; out of high school. I became a father a year later. with 3 daughters my first wife took off due to some substance issues. This left me a single father of 3 young girls. After 3 years being a single father I felt compelled to find a wife or partner who could help me with the girls. 8 years later my eldest is off to college and my youngest has 5 years till she is out and about.

    My wife is absolutely wonderful. Never having children herself; married from single to family of 5. I give her credit. She works hard, is very responsible, great with the girls, has a great family. from the 4th year on and till now I have always felt uneasy and a unhappy with our relationship.

    I believe it is due to us both being very similar. Very conservative hard working individuals who are both a bit type A. We have a great life but little passion.

    I married for passion when I was 18; passion became scary to me after my first wife left. So married for security. I know there is a balance out there but, to me, it is not worth throwing away all the great things we have a s a family to attain some mystical perfect marriage.

    My advice to OP is, suck up, open a line of communication, push for change. Over the past year we have gone to counseling, I even changed jobs so we are both able to work a M-F 9-5 schedule. Have a few drinks, laugh and smile. Intimacy is super important, agree to be intimate even if you are tiered or not in the mood.   These things have helped us.

  19. 79

    I absolutely agree with most if not all of Evan’s advice on relationships/dating but I don’t think it’s productive or necessary to blame and say it is the OP’s fault. C’mon guys if any of us knew better I’m sure we wouldn’t make such ill decisions and we’re all humans who makes mistakes as there is no manual on how we can live the perfect flawless life.   There’s no need for fault shaming, the OP is already having enough hard time as it is with her situation and has reached out to you Evan of genuine need of guidance as obviously she’s confused. It isn’t her fault, it’s just life and she just chose to follow he heart. She learned a lesson but I don’t believe it is her fault, if anything it is the guy’s fault misleading someone into marriage just to serve his own best interest.

  20. 80

    I am also in a 39 year marriage. My husband withheld sex with me for 7 years and he couldn’t and wouldn’t tell me why. He has never put me first in his life, and will not stand up for me. He doesn’t take me out and is very verbally abusive to me. I used to crave him, but now he shows me no respect. I loved having sex with him, but now he won’t come near me. I am not heavy and a lot of men check me out in grocery stores. Any suggestions s?

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