I Married A Man I’m Not Attracted To. Now What?

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Hi Evan, I am stuck in a very tricky situation, which came in my life because of my wrong choices. I married a man to whom I am not physically attracted. I don’t like some of his facial features. For me somehow, a certain type of face seems attractive and a certain type does not. When I first started dating him, I just didn’t notice it and I liked him for being a nice guy. 2 months into our dating I realized I am just not attracted to him. 8 months after still dating him, I married him because of what my and his family members would think if I said no. My family likes him very much. As for me, he has a great body and is a genuinely nice person but because of my lack of physical attraction, I am just not in love with him. I did not marry him because of family pressure. There was none. I married him (knowing I wasn’t attracted to him) because I thought that over a period of time, I would start liking him. 3 months into our marriage and now he complains that I am not physically or emotionally close to him. I know I should have had a voice before, but what to do now? We have fights every other day over this issue and just nothing comes out of it. He is frustrated over the lack of intimacy. I am just not courageous enough to leave him and I could not say to him that I don’t love him. Can I change my mindset? Please tell me what you suggest. —Maya

Aw, Jesus, Maya.

You say so many things in your question that are easy to dissect that I don’t even know where to begin.

First of all, I’m really sorry you’re in this predicament. I’m not going to make light of the fact that you and your husband are unhappy, which is tragic. I will, however, wonder what exactly is making you tick.

“I just didn’t notice” his FACE?

I’m not even sure how this is possible, but I acknowledge that sometimes one can get into a relationship where passion is lacking. It’s more that your excuse seems to ring a little hollow.

You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.

“A certain type of face seems attractive”?

I get that not everyone on earth is equally good looking, but I very much want to caution you to being too attached to a “type”. You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.

Unless, of course, you decide that you can’t. Which would be a shame, because there’s a lot more to most people than a face.

Still, unless you were actively turned OFF by his face, I’m not sure how you got this far along in your relationship. Then again…

“2 months into our dating, I realized I am just not attracted to him.”

So you married him after 8 months to make your family happy.

Got it.

My official diagnosis, Maya, is that you’re not a bad person for dating a man with whom your attraction is questionable. People do it all the time. Some find their attraction grows when they start to love the person. Some discover that the spark isn’t enough to continue.

Your ridiculously massive mistake was MARRYING this man, even though you knew how you felt. That’s not his fault (although he was pretty foolish to propose to someone after 8 months) and it’s not your parents’ fault for loving him.

This is your fault, Maya, and only you can make it right.

Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.

It’s not my place to tell you to make things work with this nice guy who loves you. Attraction is a very personal thing.

But since you asked me for advice, I’ll give it to you straight.

Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.

It’s too late. You already look bad. You married a man who wants affection, you won’t give it to him, and he’s upset. Staying with him is not going to make things better.

Woman up, tell him the truth, and rip off the band aid.

And for god sakes, Maya, don’t repeat any of these mistakes with the next guy, okay?

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Comments:

  1. 81
    Adam

    Ladies, don’t marry a guy you are not sexually attracted to. No matter how great he is in other respects, don’t do it. Just don’t do it. Part of a relationship is sexual compatibility. Don’t ever think it is not. If you are not attracted to a guy in a few dates, dump him and let him find a woman who is sexually attracted to him. You and he are not going to be happy if you are not attracted to him period.

    Women are angry about strippers, porn addiction, prostitution and other vices that some married men fall into. And I can tell you this, there are some guys who, for whatever reason will fall into these and there is nothing that anyone can do. The wife can be perfect and they would still fall into these. You could say they are predisposed to these vices. But I would argue that the vast majority of the time, the guy wants a sexual relationship with his wife and she is, like OP and many other women in this discussion, simply not interested. She has and never had any interest in him sexually whatsoever. She has sex with him rarely if at all. First he tries to resolve it and if he doesn’t get a divorce, later he is going to get his needs met somewhere else. When this happens, when he gets his needs met elsewhere after you have denied him for months and even years on end, you have nobody to blame but yourself. Look ladies, guys are sexual beings. We need regular sex. It is not a nice to have, it is something we need. And we consider that in getting married and agreeing to support you, we will be having a healthy sex life. Most men desperately want to have a great relationship, including a great sex life with their wives. Just look at the wild success of Athol Kay and his books on this subject. But if honest communication, counseling and meeting your needs doesn’t work, he is going to have to get his needs met elsewhere.

    1. 81.1
      Derrick

      Men,

      Don’t get married in the first place, stay single and just do what you want and screw who you want. No woman is worth half of your money.

      1. 81.1.1
        david

        Amen to your statement. Women are not worth the risk today. Marriage and the laws are for women only. Statistics for a man today are totally against him getting married today. Whats even worse the courts are backing it up. You want to have kids ,great get married. Women are hard to figure out simply because they do not want to be figured out. Men are simple . Women are complicated. There are many theories associated with divorce that they think that women spend the money which helps the economy out and generally most men try to hold on to their money. I was married for almost 20 years and I know I will never do it again. I’m way happier single. Do way better for myself, have alot more.than when i was married. Women do not draw the line for me I draw the line and if they do not like it do not let the door hit you in the rear.

  2. 82
    david

    There is something markedly disturbing here as its just history repeating itself. Far far far too many women hook up with a man just because . what I mean is they have to be with “some one a man” . What is even more disturbing is the deceit and dishonesty that is hidden by these women just to get dinners paid for, romantic outings, gifts or whatever you know what is on the list that men as gentlemen try to do to show some form of emotional affection and appreciation for a woman and the whole while he is being emotionally scammed by this woman. Humanity on a large scale is starting to suck. Its best to tell the truth and be honest instead of using someone, that’s disturbing. I’ve spent alot of time studying psychology and did alot of research . You will learn that woman are just as deceitful if not more so than men and the situation is getting worse. Most of them will do almost anything to achieve what they are really after “emotional security and financial security” This is what its all about for them. If a man comes along and makes a little more “financial security” or let me translate that for you “money” they will do their best to gain his emotional security next. How do they do this? By I call it “learned manipulation” They try to look the most sexiest in competition with all the other girls or women in the group. You ever heard the word jealousy women are experts at it. Most all womens self-esteem is in their looks. At an extreme its called narcissism with alot of disorders to go with it. The word or term you’ve heard this before when a woman says at the time of divorce she says “I’ve just settled” as the excuse later. What she is saying is that the man will do for now until what she really wants comes along. That s why most men are just stepping stones for most women. Or you have heard this before also “I’m hoping hell change”. All of these are clues to how they are looking for being treated as “special” . When these women are held accountable for their own mistakes by marrying a man knowing he is not what she really wants, but hell do for now attitude. And what I mean is financially held accountable equally instead of the man always being financially held responsible solely by himself for her hidden under the table agenda. You will see more and more men opting out of marriage all together. I teach as many men as possible about what most women are really all about. There are very few women out their that are on an equal mental level and really want an equal invested relationship. Don’t fool yourselves into thinking otherwise. Women are in a hurry to find “security” through your pocket and she is looking to feel secure in the relationship by him displaying his emotional connection to her by the way she takes care of his sexual needs. Basically she is only giving sex to him in exchange for “security” equals the amount of money he makes . But this is not enough for her. If she feels threatened by his lack of emotions guaranteeing that emotional security she wants. She will secretly weigh out her options to leave him as “What can I leave this relationship with? She will take half of the money and whatever else she wants kids most likely will be awarded to her . The man will be paying child support and alot of cases for a while spousal support or alimony. Now you understand too why alot of women are with men that make alot of money get to where they donot care if he sleeps around on her as long as she gets to do what she wants as far as not working and gets to spend relentless amounts of his income. Alot of these woman also are secretly sleeping around. If she leaves the relationship most cases it will be after she has seen the fortune build which has guaranteed her the financial security she has wanted. with a good attorney she will get more. This older woman if she has great looks will then look for the younger good looking sexual stud to emotionally and sexually take care of her then. She has already gained her financial security. I will keep teaching and encouraging men to educate themselves as to what its all about. As far as I am concerned a marriage license is nothing more than a legal slave contract that binds the man in a contract to be responsible for everything associated with it. The laws today do not make the woman accountable at divorce for anything. When divorce comes the man is being charged financially for the sex that his soon to be former wife has given to him… When and if the laws become equal across the board in the courtroom to hold women accountable you will see the marriage rates go up but until them HAPPY NO MARRIAGE. Make these women accountable also and they will think twice or three times before entering a marriage and contributing to a mistake.

    1. 82.1
      starthrower68

      Perhaps a free society is not ideal for you. There are plenty of places in the world a woman can be stoned for even the slightest perceived offense. Maybe that culture would be more to your liking.

      1. 82.1.1
        david

        No one needs to be stoned. Its as simple as law changing in this country to look at each gender in an equal fashion. You talk about freedom freedom to do what? If two people enter into a legal binding marriage contract it took both for it to fail then both should equally pay the price for it, but in todays society that doesnt happen. Men need to take back their family jewels and own them and stop giving into the Narcissistic self entitled princesses. As soon as that contract is signed she knows she has him hooked. i know plenty of women that have made that remark. Marriage rates are steadily falling in the United States and over seas as well. Austrailia is concerned about it its so bad. 70 to 93% of divorces are filed by women . Protective and restraining orders are filed mainly by women AT NO CHARGE and alot of women use this tactic to use the false created drama to make the husband appear he did something to harm her when it never did happen. He didnt have to do anything at all, but for her to get her way all she has to do is accuse her husband and he will be restricted from his home and the kids until court time. I know enough attorneys and some judges and they have been slowly catching on to this and alot of them are realizing that the wife is the crazy making abuser not the husband. There is too much to list that needs to be changed.

  3. 83
    jessi

    dnt jst back out of d mariage give it more tym and this time connect ur heart , luk beyound d facial apearance try to see the good qualities make up ur mind to give ur luv life a chance.

  4. 84
    Jeena

    I just want to commend Evan! The advice given here was absolutely spot on.

  5. 85
    anna

    Eish sorry maya its sad bcs I’m also in the same situation its just that I’m scared to turn off the proposal I’m worried about my family that what will they think of me once they find out I’m not inlove with this guy the guy I’m I love is the one who comes from devorcey

  6. 86
    Rose

    This story sounds very similar to mine. I didn’t get married to make anyone else happy…actually went against my family because I was young. I truly thought I’d develop a magical passion for my 1st husband if he was passionate towards me. He was not. It was constant arguing about this subject. I blamed him because he wasn’t intimate with me often. I really thought if he were, I’d feel what I should feel. I had had a boyfriend when I was very young who I felt passionate about, and so I knew what was lacking. Unfortunately, I (we) subscribed to the exact advice Annie has given above. We also would give others that advice, because hey…if we could stay together you could too! We were often like buddies or good roommates. I won’t say we didn’t live each other, but it was not a passionate love you would have towards a spouse. We were friends…which made it hard because you don’t want to hurt your friend. After being married for 20 yrs (together for 22) the crap hit the fan. I couldn’t deal with the nonexistent sexual attraction & intimacy any longer. There was a huge blow out & THEN he started trying to be with me like a wife. It was too late & not only that, I found that it didn’t help. He obviously was never attracted to me in that way & neither was I towards him! I literally didn’t figure this out until that point, because I always believed if he wanted me more, if reciprocate. No. That is stupid. So because we were raised to be committed & try to make it work, we ended up divorced after 22 yrs of marriage & having 3 kids. What a waste…outlet entire youths, in fact. I never wanted to hurt his feelings & would back put of divorce repeatedly. Don’t do that. With all due respect, don’t take the advice of trying to make it work because you can’t make yourself be attracted to another. And you can’t be counseled into wanting them, either. That’s not how it works. You both will end up miserable & divorced in the end, anyway. Acknowledge that you made a HUGE mistake & end it. And do not make that mistake again. I’m happy to report that I’m now married to that one boyfriend who I felt passionate about when I was very young. He is passionate towards me too & we even had a late in life baby. I have never in my life been happier & now know what a real marriage is supposed to be like. It’s a true gift from God! Don’t let others guilt you into wasting your years (and his!). Be brave & set him free so you both can have a life free of constant misery.

  7. 87
    anonymous98

    Leave him because he dose not diserve a girl like you. You are superficial and he as a good man who diserves a truly good girl and not a scum like you. I do not care about who you think you are, because you are nothing. A great man like that diserves a girl that will love him for who he is, not a scumbag like you who inly wants a man for looks and looks fade eventuality so why do you even care? Please do him a favor and let him find a girl that actually loves him for his personality and not looks.

  8. 88
    kinsia

    His face does not bother me

  9. 89
    Dr. Dee

    Unfortunately, I have been in Maya’s predicament. Though I never married the man, I did have to end the relationship when he wanted it to become physical and I realized that I could never be intimate with him. I have noticed that several people leaving comments are extremely critical and judgmental. Yes, we all have our opinions and our experiences. However, I don’t think it’s helpful for those responding “pathologize” this women or  make aspersions about her character  her for marrying a man for whom she feels no attraction. She made a mistake that, clearly, she realizes and that causes her great suffering. There is no doubt that this woman is a sensitive person and is suffering because she knows how much pain her decision to end the marriage and the reasons for her decision will cause her husband. It is virtually impossible to  generate  physical attraction at will. It can happen, but in my 48 years, I have never seen it. I met a man in college who has loved and pursued me for 25 years, and in all of that time I have NEVER felt one ounce of sexual desire or physical attraction. I am fortunate that my loneliness and desire for a relationship never became so intense that I would “settle” for a one-sided love. But some women (and men) do marry people they hope they will fall in love with–one day. It isn’t that uncommon. If she does not leave now, then  she will have spent more time  in a  marriage that will only give her husband false hope–and that is cruel beyond measure. They have no children and have not been  married long.  If they part now, both will have a lot less invested emotionally than if they part months or years later. As it stands now, they have a greater chance of recovering from the  pain than if they wait.    Divorce is never easy, but there is no real marriage here, and it’s clear that this woman wants to end things. She should and quickly for both her and her husband’s sake.

  10. 90
    Steven

    This isn’t surprising or rare.   At all.   How many women do you know who go for an alpha/bad boy when they’re young and looking for love and then marry a beta later in life?   That’s not a rhetorical question.   Seriously, think about it.

    Women usually don’t love their husbands.   She is awful for marrying a man she doesn’t love him will soon be butchering him in our divorce courts.   He’s stupid for not realizing that as a beta he’s unloveable   and should never marry as this is what happens to betas who marry.

    Moral of the story:   men who are betas, have multiple degrees, no criminal record and a career have no business marrying unless this is what they want to have happen to them.   If he wants true love, he needs to be ready to make the sacrifices it takes to get it.   There are no short cuts in life.

    I know it’s the woman who’s looking for advice, but here’s some for the man.   Decide if true love is worth all the sacrifices.   If it is, quit your job, get a criminal record, join a gang, spend your time in bars where   the high value women are looking for love.

    1. 90.1
      Karmic Equation

      You left out get plastic surgery and hire a personal trainer.

      Men seem to conveniently forget that most alpha/bad boys are freakin’ hot.

      That is the initial attraction. And because they are hot, they get a lot of attention from women. And because they get a lot of attention from women THEN they start treating women like commodities–he dumps one, another one is waiting in line. And then women who are very competitive with other women want to “win” this hot man who has options so that other women would envy her because she must be all that to tame such an untameable guy.

    2. 90.2
      Evan Marc Katz

      “Women usually don’t love their husbands.” This may be the dumbest statement ever uttered on this blog. And that says a LOT.

      Wait – maybe this is even dumber: “As a beta, he’s unloveable and should never marry.”

      Where do you people come from with these ridiculous beliefs? Go back there.

  11. 91
    Ding Dong

    Get a divorce  asap and get on with your lives. “Attractive” can mean a million things to a million people. It IS in the eye of the beholder. But how you could have married someone you didn’t find attractive, is totally bizarre. I was engaged to someone many years ago and one day I looked at him and  thought “what the hell am I doing?” And I broke it off. It wasn’t fair to him – or me. It was one of those lightbulb moments when I nearly “settled”…… it was a rebound relationship and was nearly a big disastrous divorce too! Get out get out get and and make damn sure you commit to someone – if there is a next time – for all the right reasons. BTW I did not end up marrying anyone, I am still single, but I do NOT regret giving up that relationship because I knew it was the “right” thing to do in the long run. Great guy but just not for me, I just felt repulsed every time we had sex by the end.

  12. 92
    MB

    I will never understand people that know they don’t find somebody attractive, yet date or marry them anyway.

    The husband deserves a woman who will appreciate him for who he is. No one wants to be viewed as a person who is being “settled” for.   No one wants to be second choice, not good enough.   Although looks ARE important in relationships, it seems that many people place way too much emphasis on appearance above character.

    I was 23 when I met my husband.   I was a cute girl with a nice little hourglass shape.   But in today’s society, that isn’t good enough.   My husband seems to prefer women that fit the stereotypical cookie-cutter type of beauty…white, long blonde or brown hair, narrow hips, fake boobs, very generic faces.    I am a mixed (black and white) woman with curly dark hair and curvy hips and exotic features.   So initially, while he liked my personality, my looks weren’t his ideal.

    Sometimes it bums me out and sometimes it hurts to know that he doesn’t see me in the way that he sees, for instance, somebody like Charlotte McKinney or Katherine Webb.    But he does value me as a person (as he should!) and we make one another laugh and we have a pretty good marriage otherwise.    Would I change anything about his looks?    Not at all.   But sometimes I feel that he wishes I looked different.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that when choosing a partner, the kindest thing you can do is pass on somebody you aren’t attracted to, rather than having a relationship with that person.   It is dishonest to be with somebody if you feel that you can do “better”.      That person deserves a relationship with somebody who IS attracted to them and you should be with somebody you like looking at if appearances are so important to you.

    Sometimes we miss out on the chance to connect with wonderful people (whether for friendships or romance) because we can’t look beyond the surface.    As human beings, we are all “shallow” in our own ways to some extent…but at some point you should mature and not allow your preferences to be dictated by what society says or what your social circle finds attractive.

     

     

     

     

     

  13. 93
    Ben

    No wonder the divorce rate is so very high nowadays.

  14. 94
    Kelly

    Ok so this sounds horrible and people
    Will hate me for it. Thr way i see it though is, dont judge me unless youve walked in my shoes. I spent a year homeless on the street. Actually sleeping outside carrying all of my belongings with me. I had lost everything little by little my car my apartment, my clothes, my professional hair color finally grew out, so in many ways i had lost my looks. Thank God i had not lost them conpletely though bc what ended up getting me off the street were a few different men with whom i am not only not attracted to physically but i dont even like talking or being around them. I love how the one comment says “cringe fest” when sleeping with a guy bc i have totally been there. What shocks me though is that i was with these men out of desperation and i was getting something out of it. It shocks me that women will be with a man that they feel no sexual or physical attraction to but they arent even getting any sort of benefit to it it seems to me like being a gluton for self punishment.
    Now, what i didnt mention is that i hsve a real boyfriend who i loge ans cherish, he doesnt know ive been with these other men. He is fum and exciting and gorgeous and its amazing to me how sex with him and even just his touch or kisses are so amazong anf i crave them and want them but that these other men could do the same thing and i cringe. Sex with a man you arw repulsed by or just not attracted to i think is the worst thing in the World. I look at it like a job. It sucks but you do it as a means to an end. So, it blows my mind that these women are doing it for no good reason. I just dont get it.
    I would love to be in a financial situation that i could just never talk to these guys again and live happily ecer after with my boyfriend. If you had that type of financial independce why not just hold out for a guy who has qualitiea emtionally, physically and everything else that you actually are attracted to. I mean im seriously not judging im just wondering.

  15. 95
    Truth

    Then again, you should have never married in the first place to begin with.

  16. 96
    Another Voice

    I made this mistake!   We were married for two years exactly.. on our 2nd wedding anniversary he woke up and told me that he loved me, but was not in love with me.. and leaving.   Now I had to face the world alone with a 6 month old baby.   At the moment,   I was shocked but not totally sad… it was almost a relief to be honest to the point that I did not see he was leaving me for another woman..

    I made it,   but it took a toll on me.   I am sorry I married the guy.. and no one knew how we got to that glorious day.    Its been hard to date raising a child..   and now as an empty nester…   I am trying to find someone new.

    I think it is best to get out of the situation as fast as you can.   Children complicate things… but it is not there precious little faults… its ours.

    I dont have any great recommendations.   I always like my ex…   saw him to his last days… but I have paid a big price….   and I guess it is about minimizing the loss.

  17. 97
    Adreana

    If I was her husband I would be outraged! Imagine marrying a guy thinking he’s crazy attracted to you and madly in love, only to figure out later he doesn’t even wanna look at you. Ladies, if you are visual that’s OK-just don’t lie to yourself and put a man you don’t want   through all this unnecessary pain. Sexual chemistry is a BIG part of a relationship and if you’re not feeling it …well it’s not going to work for either of you.  It’s sad that she didn’t even mention things like ”  he had a sense of humor”, “is fun”, is “smart”….etc. but all she had to say is he was “nice”. Who chooses to commit their entire lives to someone just because their nice? Do we choose our friends, employees, presidential leaders …etc just because their nice????

    I hope they leave each other and learn from this.

  18. 98
    Buck25

    If I can make one small suggestion, how about, we all agree to stop using the words “shallow” and “superficial” with regard to each other’s attraction preferences (this goes for BOTH genders). I really think we should. A lot of us, on both sides of the gender fence, have been tossing around these rather judgmental terms (which they are, in the context in which they’re usually used here), usually in some attempt to suggest that the attraction preferences/requirements of some or all of the other gender are somehow not fair. This strikes me as futile, and completely unproductive.

    Let’s try to understand that any and all of us are attracted to what we’re attracted to. I don’t believe any of us, men or women, sit down with malice aforethought to come up with preferences designed to annoy the opposite sex. I don’t think we invent these out of the whole cloth, just to make it hard for the other gender. So do you suppose we could maybe just respect each other’s individual preferences, and suspend the judging, and the arguing, and the criticism? We don’t have to understand someone else’s preferences, or agree with them. This guy wants to date younger women? Fine, This woman wants to date a man twenty years younger. Fine. You don’t date fat people, or skinny people,or smokers, or vegans, or Democrats, or people who own Dobermans…or whatever? Fine. and you know what, not one of us should have to justify or explain to anyone else here, what turns him/her on or off, or why. The pickier anyone is, the smaller their range of potential dates/partners; but isn’t that their problem, (not yours)? Why do the rest of us have to weigh in?   Ask yourself how many arguments you’ve seen here, because someone either didn’t feel free to honestly state what was attractive to them, or immediately got slammed, because someone else decided they disagreed? Then ask yourself whether you’ve even once seen all the resulting vitriol change anyone’s ideas of what they were attracted to. And what’s with this bit that if potential partner is “a good man” or “a good woman” it’s ok to shame the person who says, “But he/she just doesn’t turn me on!”; what about that?

    Sexual attraction is an indispensable part of a long term relationship. I get that it’s not the only thing that matters; emotional compatibility and connection may well mean more in the long run; but the idea that we can turn that into pretending that sexual attraction doesn’t matter? Isn’t that exactly what led to the marriage that led to the problem we’re discussing right here, right now? Look people, We can and sometimes do, grow   to love, not just like, someone over time (IF we’re physically attracted to them in the first place,) and if the emotional connection gets stronger, and if we find some of their personal qualities, behaviors, etc. endearing; but we cannot, we damn well cannot, learn to, or make ourselves to, or will ourselves to, be attracted to someone, when for whatever reason, we simply are not.   ATTRACTION IS NOT A CHOICE! We cannot make it happen, and conflating the idea of learning to love someone we might not like so much at first, but do feel physical attraction to, with the idea that we can somehow “learn” to be attracted to someone when we are not, is exactly how trainwrecks like MAYA’s marriage happen in the first place! “Growing to love someone”? Sure that happens, happens a lot, and yes, it may increase sexual attraction, to someone we’re already sexually attracted to to some significant degree. “Growing to be sexually attracted to someone”, without any significant sexual attraction in the first place? That, frankly speaking, is not only delusional, it is a flat-out, no-doubt-about -it, LIE, told to ourselves and and a partner, and if there is any doubt in any of your minds of just how pernicious a lie it is, you have only to look at the example before us. This is NOT a good idea; no matter how perfect a partner in every other respect, he or she is; if you are not sexually attracted to him or her, enough so that the idea of sex with that person is not merely acceptable but something you anticipate with a thrill, a committed relationship (much else a marriage) with that person can only hurt them and you. If you cannot bring yourself to respect that man or woman who is committing to be with you enough, to be completely honest about that, you have done something far worse, and far more hurtful than rejecting someone for not meeting even the the most “shallow” attraction preference you could have. I have been on this planet for 68 years. There are damn few things I’m absolutely certain of. This is one of them!

  19. 99
    Liz

    Ah, so sad.   Its easier to end up here than you think.   I was married for 24 years to a lovely, lovely man and we brought up three wonderful kids together.   But we ended up on train  tracks as far as our lives went, with completely different interests.   That might have been okay, but the physical aspects weren’t there either. He wasn’t particularly driven by sex (not at all, that was all driven by me) nor did he need touch.   I honestly loved my husband and appreciated all his good points – there were many.   But eventually,when I realised that I no longer wanted  to touch him or for him to touch me I knew  that it was over.  We both deserve more than that.   Being single again is hard, meeting people is lovely and also exhausting and challenging, the pressure of being a single wage earner is significant.   But in the end,  the desire to be independent, not needy, but in a truly loving relationship is overwhelmingly strong and keeps me on track (sometimes I waver…but I’m there).

  20. 100
    Rachel

    Are you ready for the best advice yet?   This, based on my own personal experience for settling on someone I am not physically attracted to.   My relationship remained OK on the surface for 15 years, then I had an event which ‘woke me up’.

    You are asking the wrong question, the right question is this.   What fear or insecurity do I need to work on in order for me to grow in a way where I would not settle for second best?   You (as do I) have a flaw in your personality hidden in a blind spot which set the stage for you to be where you are.

    1. 100.1
      jmm

      Very true. Really great advice….

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