I Married A Man I’m Not Attracted To. Now What?

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Hi Evan, I am stuck in a very tricky situation, which came in my life because of my wrong choices. I married a man to whom I am not physically attracted. I don’t like some of his facial features. For me somehow, a certain type of face seems attractive and a certain type does not. When I first started dating him, I just didn’t notice it and I liked him for being a nice guy. 2 months into our dating I realized I am just not attracted to him. 8 months after still dating him, I married him because of what my and his family members would think if I said no. My family likes him very much. As for me, he has a great body and is a genuinely nice person but because of my lack of physical attraction, I am just not in love with him. I did not marry him because of family pressure. There was none. I married him (knowing I wasn’t attracted to him) because I thought that over a period of time, I would start liking him. 3 months into our marriage and now he complains that I am not physically or emotionally close to him. I know I should have had a voice before, but what to do now? We have fights every other day over this issue and just nothing comes out of it. He is frustrated over the lack of intimacy. I am just not courageous enough to leave him and I could not say to him that I don’t love him. Can I change my mindset? Please tell me what you suggest. —Maya

Aw, Jesus, Maya.

You say so many things in your question that are easy to dissect that I don’t even know where to begin.

First of all, I’m really sorry you’re in this predicament. I’m not going to make light of the fact that you and your husband are unhappy, which is tragic. I will, however, wonder what exactly is making you tick.

“I just didn’t notice” his FACE?

I’m not even sure how this is possible, but I acknowledge that sometimes one can get into a relationship where passion is lacking. It’s more that your excuse seems to ring a little hollow.

You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.

“A certain type of face seems attractive”?

I get that not everyone on earth is equally good looking, but I very much want to caution you to being too attached to a “type”. You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.

Unless, of course, you decide that you can’t. Which would be a shame, because there’s a lot more to most people than a face.

Still, unless you were actively turned OFF by his face, I’m not sure how you got this far along in your relationship. Then again…

“2 months into our dating, I realized I am just not attracted to him.”

So you married him after 8 months to make your family happy.

Got it.

My official diagnosis, Maya, is that you’re not a bad person for dating a man with whom your attraction is questionable. People do it all the time. Some find their attraction grows when they start to love the person. Some discover that the spark isn’t enough to continue.

Your ridiculously massive mistake was MARRYING this man, even though you knew how you felt. That’s not his fault (although he was pretty foolish to propose to someone after 8 months) and it’s not your parents’ fault for loving him.

This is your fault, Maya, and only you can make it right.

Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.

It’s not my place to tell you to make things work with this nice guy who loves you. Attraction is a very personal thing.

But since you asked me for advice, I’ll give it to you straight.

Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.

It’s too late. You already look bad. You married a man who wants affection, you won’t give it to him, and he’s upset. Staying with him is not going to make things better.

Woman up, tell him the truth, and rip off the band aid.

And for god sakes, Maya, don’t repeat any of these mistakes with the next guy, okay?

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Comments:

  1. 121
    Gina

    I’m not sure I would ever do this again. If death do us part, then I will look back at this as a pure learning lesson. Don’t listen to your heart, rather, think. I’m so disappointed in my marriage, but I choose to think. I made a commitment and I need to do all I can to keep it. Being “free” to me would be the same as accepting my lot in life and not daydreaming my days away with what ifs. I screwed up, time to put my big girl panties on and make things work.

  2. 122
    Mike A

    Sex is for having kids and marriage evolved to provide a stable environment for the kids so that they didn’t die before themselves reproducing. Love evolved to trick us into having sex and therefore kids. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t attracted to the person you are with. Love and/or happiness doesn’t matter either.

    The only thing that matters is that you have kids and bring them up old enough to reproduce too. After that, you have fulfilled your purpose and life has no need for you. That’s the meaning of life. Get on with it. You can find all sorts of distractions  if you get bored along the way.

    1. 122.1
      Ron

      Awesome, I finally found it!   The meaning of life!   Never expected to find it here.    I can’t find a flaw in it.    Back to the topic at hand, I have found a bunch of articles like this on the web.   I was searching because I’m curious how women could become not attracted to their husbands after a while.   It sounds like a common problem, seems to me like it is biological or just a natural thing because so many women suffer from this.   We should be able to overcome this somehow but   I haven’t found a solution reading so far.   I don’t see many success stories, there must be some secret to those long marriages, but I haven’t found it yet.   Are they not having sex, or maybe having it with other people, or are the guys just really able to stay attractive somehow?

    2. 122.2
      Now what ?

      Thank you for this

  3. 123
    Naila Cheniouni

    That was so Harsh !

    Cut Maya some slack !

    We’re all different. Maybe she desperately needed a man in her life. Maybe he was all kinds of perfect but he wasn’t the best looking man and that’s okay. He could have been perfect in many other ways, like how he cared for her and how he was always there when no one else was.

    Maya I wish you the best

    and please try to fight for your love

     

    I really hope it all works out well with you you two ♥️

  4. 124
    Stephen

    This looks like an old post, but having read Maya’s story, I’ve felt to write here because I’m in the same exact situation. And I am a man, so it’s not true that this is common only for women. Everyone has his own background of personal experiences and circumstances, and people should stop judging because they don’t know them.  
    In my case, I married her because she’s a beautiful person and she loves me very much. And also, yes, for fear to be alone again, since I’ve been alone for most of my life (I’m in my late 30s). It’s beautiful to be able to do a “normal” life with someone, instead of being always alone. I thought that the looks weren’t so important, because looks fade with the age, and it was more important to find a compatible soul. But I’m realising that the lack of attraction prevents me to be affectionate as she would need (and she needs a lot of affection), and we often have arguments triggered by that. I think also that marriage has brought up some incompatibilities that hadn’t shown up before.  
     
    Breaking up is not an option. Not after three months of marriage, and not without having tried every possible way to make this marriage work. Anyway, I don’t think I would be happier if I were alone again. And she would be devastated. So we need to get along the best way that we can, hoping that things will get better in the future.  

    1. 124.1
      Gene

      I’m facing the same challenge with you Stephen. Only that I’m a lady and in my late 30s. But being alone was never an issue to me. I really dunno how I’ll cope with this marriage. I stop being intimate with him. I get irritated when he comes around me or tries to hold my hand. To make matters worse,   I’m pregnant. I’m thinking I’ll just get a job or an admission to further my education in a different country from where I live and just move away instead of a divorce, which is a no no.

  5. 125
    San

    No Children yet.   Then what are you waiting for ? Get the hell out of the relationship.

  6. 126
    Aldo Breaker

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  7. 127
    Gene

    This things happen like magic. You just dunno how they happen. I’m suffering the same thing! I married a man I’m not attracted to, now I’m suffering. We are about one month and 12 days old in the marriage. He’s a really nice guy but I’m not just attracted to him. I don’t like his facial features. He’s short too and I’m just not attracted to short people. I have cut off having sex with him because I don’t love him. I mean, how could you sleep with someone you don’t love when you’re not a ho? My family like him. My mum loves him. Even when I tried to put an end to the relationship before the wedding, my mum would fight me. Now I’m totally confused and frustrated and I’m pregnant! It’s so bad that if I loose the pregnancy, I really don’t think I’d be upset. He’s also helpless and confused. I pointed out to him severally before the wedding that I wasn’t attracted to him and didn’t love him, but he would cry like he would die! I really feel like dying is a better option for me. In my country divorce is not just an option, but an abomination.

    1. 127.1
      Now what C ?

      Goodness woman !
      I feel your pain. I tell my fiancé that I’m not physically attracted to him
      Just to clear my conscience and see if he feels what I’m saying but he won’t ☹️

  8. 128
    sheena0512

    I totally understand u maya!!Looks and physical attraction do count!!That’s why i am not married yet.I am not attracted to the guys i get.now after reading ur post,i feel i made the right decision.u shud be courageous to take a stand and walk away from the marriage if u are so unhappy abt it.

  9. 129
    deanna

    wow, this was really interesting to read. because i have wondered the same question. my parents were pushing me to marry a guy who they felt was ‘right for me’ because we are both doctors, same religion(hindu) and born and raised in the us.

    but after seeing his pictures, i knew i would never be attracted physically. my dad got angry with me and told me that the man’s appearance was irrelevant and only the woman’s appearance mattered for the purposes of marriage. yeah right. maybe that mentality worked in the 1800s but now not so much. women always cared about looks but couldnt really do anything about because they werent allowed to work before.

    as an aside, i tried dating a guy who i was not attracted to. and making out with him was really a chore, which he really wanted to do and im sure he could sense i was never into it. the final straw was he was holding my hand while walking at the zoo and we ran into one of my coworkers and i remember feeling so embarrassed to be seen with someone who looked like that guy. so i just couldnt do it anymore and thats how i know that marrying a guy i wasnt attracted to would be a path to misery.

     

    i love to watch deborrah cooper on youtube. she goes into this in detail.

    1. 129.1
      Phil

      What do you want to happen when your looks start to fade? For some women it does not fade but fails.

  10. 130
    O

    I also wanted to say I think his family is largely ignorant and all of them are really unhealthy–either mentally ill or obese, alcoholics, verbally abusive or ever so slightly perverted, always talking about sex…I mean, that’s really idiotic/ill isn’t it? None of them have strived to be anything or do much with their lives, most are happy with plant jobs that require zero education and what’s more is they didn’t manage to push their son, my husband into any kind of path for himself. It’s like they just sat around being happy with nothing all their lives and accepting the world as it is–never determining to change it. Ideologically, this differs greatly from me and where I strive to be. I like change, I believe in education, I believe in having money and security. Kids are out of the question due to the fear that his side of the family will infect our sons or daughters with laziness, lethargy, apathy…God just writing this I know I am with the wrong person.   The vows felt so sincere…how could everything feel so shotty so soon after the fact? Are other women just better at coping than I am, better at looking the other way? Or have I really chosen a dud?   He’s nice and everything, but the sexual attraction is waning…he put on so much weight as soon as I stopped working out.   I just feel stuck, that I cant show my face at my class reunions…

  11. 131
    Citizen

    This has been a very good discussion from many sides and I have learned a lot. Shawn seems to have boiled one side down with ” honor your commitment!”.
    I do believe that is what marriage vows are truly about, they are bigger than you feelings and do not change from one day to the next.
    Biblically speaking wives were most often purchased and still required to be a good wife to this “husband”. This pretty much handles all modern arguments of , looks, passion, fading, and general non fantasy fulfillment.
    The other side is the ” no happy, no stay” way. This is very shallow and allows us to play to our lowest character. You did not order a meal to be sent back after eating half of it because you dont like it after all or you think you can do better at a different restaurant. Why even make a vow or do it in church before your God as a holy rite for Him to bless if you feel in the end it is disposable. If you want a divorce dont blame your spouse, you can have what you want go get it but dont act like you are doing noble work for doing it.
    Marriage is not a fantasy, some marry for feelings of obsession, for money, for advancement, better life, for having children, some many even find true love. Regardless of how you got there you are equally obligated and required to work it. Some staring points are difficult and require a lot of change and adjustment , communication.
    Note- dont hang out with people (friends) who encourage self fulfillment at all cost and divorce if your spouse cramps your style or dreams. Divorce those friends or relatives ASAP if you want your marriage to survive.

  12. 132
    Citizen

    You had poor expectations. A truck can be the perfect vehicle for you but if you think it sucks because its not a Cadillac then that is something you need to work on in you. Know where you really are and what you really signed up for. He may not be a prince but are you really a princess? Get your feet on the ground.
    Start looking for ways to make your situation (marriage) work, stop looking for the negatives.

  13. 133
    Good Citizen

    I read some really good replies here. I also read that most people are just trying to justify their reason for ending their marriage, while passing all or most of the blame on the other partner.
    Short of infidelity and or violence, or cruel incessant verbal abuse, leaving was a choice you did not have true justification for and down deep you know it but you took the easy way out and got the quick relief for “you” and pretend not to notice the damage you caused your own family for you easy way out. You lost the war the enemy won you failed and it is over now you live by the enemies rules, and no the enemy is not your ex- spouse it is the meat grinder called life you now face it alone and so does everyone else that was your family.

  14. 134
    Vivian

    Honestly that is what I’m going through right now, I dont love him, not attracted to him yet I dont have the courage of trying another, I’m feeling I can cope in marriage but I am seriously scared right now, pls I need ur advice..thanks

    1. 134.1
      Phillip Sanchez

      Vivian, stop thinking about the negatives and stop living in what is unsaid.
      You need to understand how much of this you are feeding from your side and say what you are feeling to your spouse. by thinking about what you are responsible for and what you can change you can enter a dialog with direction and hope. A lot of men are truly oblivious to what they are doing that bothers you. By bringing it up in way that does not blame him or accuse him for hurting you but talking about the problems as if it something that needs to be solved together so your marriage can be healthy and eventually loving. You really need to think of his positives stop focusing and talking about his negatives. They both exist at the same time, he is going to work for his family and comes home to be safe don’t make home unsafe for him or he will not open up about the issues that your marriage is having.
      If you have negative cheerleaders in your life encouraging the end of your marriage stay away from them find positive marriage friends who want to see you survive.
      If he is not hurting you or cheating on you, your marriage can find new life, but you will need to want that more than divorce and so will he. Learn to be a team that talks about issues not each other and works together to solve them this will help you as much as him. If he is over weight talk about it and let him know it has to change and you can do it together. If you feel he is ignoring you let him know how much you want to spend time together. Divorce has it’s own problems and you will be alone while dealing with them. Life is hard enough if you have to do it alone own your marriage for better or worse you don’t have to give up.

  15. 135
    What now

    I’m so thankful I found all of you !!!
    First I will read all of your stories then explain my current situation

  16. 136
    rana

    I was in a similar situation few year ago. i met a very nice guy, after many failed and traumatizing relationships. He was so classy, kind, caring , and his parents liked me. The only problem was that he was too thin, and later on discovered he doesnt satisfy me in bed. I didnt have much experience. I couldnt make myself leave him because i knew i would never get a better guy.

    We got married. I genuenly believed he will grow on me and we will learn to please each other. The situation only got painfully more complicated. We fought alot. I was too cold as i knew j wouldnt get what i want from sex. I was always turned off in the middle of sex as he would be done. I started loosing interest and avoiding him. Months went by, and i started being over conscious about what im missing. I was overconscious about other couples with chemistry, and attractive men started to really attract my attention. I even got in touch with an old boy friend of mine, something i never thought i would do. I was full of guilt and shame and many times tried to get closer to him and look at him in a different way but couldnt.

    The turning point was when he went into a health set back. He asked me to have a break and focus on his health as he was tired of our unhappy life and wanted time out. I agreed. When i was away i always realized how precious and valuable he is to me, and what an angel he was, but as i approach him the problem starts again. I hated myself.

    At some point he said he wanted divorce and that this would relieve him. We got divorced, after a year of marriage, 7 monthS spent together only. We kept in touch until he regained his health.

    We both felt relieved after the divorce, but the guilt feeling for what i put him through kept visiting me, I disappeared from his life for a year, but he started stalking me and trying to get in touch. A year and a half after divorce we met and i was surprised by how much he is still in love with me. I felt terrible because i was hoping he would move on so that i can move on peacfully .

    Ever since i cant make myself think of starting over with someone else.
    I never thought this could be my life story, and that im capable kf being such a horrible person.

    I do believe in Karma. I know that i cant find someone as kid as he was, and im so afraid of trying to move on or take any serious step. I know that anything i do would break him.

    Im so sorry

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