Do Too Many People Get Married For the Wrong Reasons?

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According to Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony, “Bad marriages don’t just happen to bad people. They mostly happen to good people who are not good for each other.”

Amen.

“Attraction and chemistry are easily mistaken for love, but they are far from the same thing,” Warren continues, “Being attracted to someone is immediate and largely subconscious. Staying deeply in love with someone happens gradually and requires conscious decisions, made over and over again, for a lifetime. Too many people choose to get married based on attraction and don’t consider, or have enough perspective to recognize, whether their love can endure.”

He believes that when two people have a relationship built on upon broad-based compatibility, the likelihood of long-term relationship success is much, much greater.

“If we could ever reduce the incidence of marital breakup from 40 to 50 percent of all marriages to single digits,” he concludes, “I suspect it would be one of the greatest accomplishments of our time.”

Read the full article here. What do you think? Do too many people rush to the altar based on passion and ignore their core compatibility issues until it’s too late? How long do you think people should wait before getting married? I say two years minimum, given that the “passion” tends to wear off in 18-24 months, but I’d love to hear your comments below.

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Peter 61

    One of the young Punjabi women who calls me Uncle (by various links of in law marriage) was a very busy doctor and reached 28 without a boyfriend in site.   She outsourced the job of finding a husband to a matchmaker known to her mother and aunties.   They found her a young man she had known of briefly in the past, another doctor.   Both seem very happy now she is taking time off to be a mother.
    There are plenty of reasons for dating and long term relationships.   However, reasons for marriage without children do not leap out at me immediately in a social democratic age.   At the level of civil society, civil partnership seems more like it.   In France, a seculr country for generations, far more civil partnerships are registered by hetrosexual couples than gays.   So no marriage for older women or homosexuals.   When it comes to religion, Jesus was clear.   Sex, once, makes a lifetime commitment.   Seems a bad reason for marriage.   Celibacy is to be recommended to the unmarried.   Orthodox Christianity is more forgiving.

  2. 42
    Henriette

    @Sparkling Emerald 40  
    “EMK — Do you think the divorce rate is “falling” because marriages are getting better, or do you think it’s the economy ? I am not trying to give you a hard time, but I am in the “married for the sake of finances” category (although we are working to make our split legal now)   And I’ve been researching, and there is an increase in couples who live separate lives but remain married for financial reasons. ”   
      
    I see this in my own social circle.   Couples who gripe about how much they wish they could divorce but see it as a luxury they cannot (financially) afford in the current economic climate.
      
    http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/01/fashion/01Undivorced.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0  

  3. 43
    Sparkling Emerald

    Henriette@42
    I have scheduled an appt with a divorce financial planner for the end of the month, my goal is to start 2014 with a clean slate and to be completely divorced.   This “separation” status (and it’s not even a legal separation) is really getting to be a thorn in my side. And an impediment to the possibility of another relationship.   I know so many people who are in various “limbo” like relationships. Legally divorced but still living under one roof as room mates, living apart but still legally married for financial reasons, married but living separate lives under one roof, and happily living together (from what I can see), but never made it a legal marriage.   So while the stats tell us who has the legal status of marriage, they don’t tell us anything about the quality of those relationships.   I don’t know what legal status I want in my next relationship, I just want it to be HAPPY.   🙂
    I finally have decided to get 100% divorced, and financial consequences be damned.   The emotional turmoil is starting to outweigh any health care benefit I still receive under this marriage of convenience.   Also, the financial benefits to me, could quickly turn into a liability, as my soon-2-B-X has been in and out of the hospital lately, and our insurance doesn’t cover everything.   If he couldn’t pay his part, since I am still legally married, I could be liable for his portion of the medical care.
      
      
      

  4. 44
    Henriette

    @Sparkling Emerald 42 – WOW – good for you!   (I wasn’t referring to you in my post, by the way; I was just agreeing with your point that it seems as though now, more than ever, couples are remaining married on paper bc of issues like health insurance, high real estate prices and not wanting to have the kids travel back and forth btwn houses.)   I wish you great joy and success in your officially single life!

  5. 45
    judy

    Yes, I think many people get married for the wrong reasons.   Here are some I have heard:
    1. He’s a high earner
    2. We get invited to parties
    3. My family adores him.
    4. I’m lonely and need sex.
    5. It’s better than nothing (yuk yuk and thrice yuk)
    6. If I don’t marry now, I’ll never be married.
    7. St. Valentine’s Day.   Sigh.   (When I’m single, I just pray for it to be over, married woman – geez, he never buys ME flowers usually.
    8. Life is cheaper for two (shared expenses, no singles supplements on holidays, social status and sometimes, companies consider you to be more stable when you’re married.
    9. I   can’t survive financially on my own (either sex)
      
    I could go on for ever, except that, it’s nauseating!
      

  6. 46
    Ruby

    Judy #45
      
    I’ll add a few:
      
    1. All my friends are getting marrried
    2. We’ve already been together for two years
    3. I’m not that thrilled about him/her, but I don’t think I’ll find anyone better

  7. 47
    judy

    Ruby 46 – thank you.  
    On a more general note, it seems to me that my deceased mother and grandmother (and my friend the criminologist) were correct about having a long engagement period.
    It’s during this time of say 18 months – 24 months, that you ask the right questions, and know if you’re compatible to the best of your knowledge.
    2 years is nothing compared to a lifetime of being with the wrong partner, or an expensive divorce.
    EMK – 39 Hi and hope you have a super day.   Love the site.
    Yes, divorce rates may well be falling and that’s a good thing.   It may also indicate that people are not marrying at all.   I prefer the marriage thing.   In Europe, people tend not to get married but live together, or, even more frequently, they have a LAT relationship.
      
      

    1. 47.1
      Lily

      I recently broke up with my boyfriend after more than two years. I am so glad I did not marry him!

  8. 48
    JoJOe

    Inconvenient Love is LOVE

    My friends wife, motor cycle accident at 27, she’s a paraplegic, he’s still with her because he loves her.
    My sister, business problems, money issues, rebuilding, her husband backed her up supported her, got her on her feet again, because he loves her.
    My brother, cancer, alcoholic, his girlfriend stays with him, supports him, because she loves him. He has no cancer and his drinking is now next to nil. Love ya bro! they are truly adorable to watch, they are over 55 years old.
    My friends brother met someone while in Germany, couldn’t get back on the plane, cried to his bro. 15 years now, married, 3 kids, speaking German. HA. love it. That was one of my favorites.

    My girlfriend is pregnant, 2 year relationship, he left her, why, because the convenience of having a “no drama” relationship suddenly became too much drama, he did not love her, she is alone.

    As soon as I read “no drama” in someone’s online dating profile. I see someone who is a runner when things get hard. Foundation for love is the “drama”.

    You’ll only know how much someone loves you with how they handle the bad stuff.
    The good stuff is easy, it ‘s difficult times that really count.
    And in overcoming them that the good times are great.
    Watch the way people react to adversity, they scream milestones of answers about their ability to love and endure.
    But first watch your own. How do you react when the going gets tough in your own life? That will give you the answers to the people to whom you will attract.
    Be good, be helpful, be patient be respectful and persevere.
    If you can’t be those with the one you’re with, you need to adjust your spirit or leave the relationship.

    At the beginning of a relationship, identify your red flags. If you love someone some of these flags are manageable, forgivable and repairable. I’ve seen it! The heart wants what the heart wants. You can’t have a marriage of convenience. There is no such marriage. Shit happens, so you should have that loving feeling clearly rooted.
    We often hear “He/She left me after 4 years and got married last month to someone who is “……….” I can’t believe it”
    Why, because the heart knows. Not love at first sight, not a surge of fire in the veins, it just slowly creeps in there and becomes louder than convenience.

    My ex lover used to call me his “mon mal incommode” which means “my bad inconvenience”
    I still love the guy in my soul, but my nick name says it all. He did not love me to the core enough to handle the hard stuff. I loved the guy for all his inconvenience and there was quite alot. But he called it, and I’m glad for his honesty. He went back to his ex wife. His choice and I hope it’s working for him.
    But finding the same love between two hearts. That is the mystery.
    And I think if everyone can embrace the mystery, we become it and then the other walks towards you. I’m a believer, I couldn’t leave her if I tried..
    Ooo.. now that’s living the dream..
    Merry Holiday’s to all and to all a good (nah) a great life.

  9. 49
    stephen obasi

    Marriage is very sensitive and beside you don’t just rush into marriage like that, marriage is just like a prison break so before making any decision u need to be careful. I prefer to marry my friend whom I can communicate because I believe after love sex comes, then after sex communication follows, so when there is no community the marriage can last.

  10. 50
    BLah

    I’ve had that feeling of YUP they just might be the one…
    But see I ask the same questions consistently in different ways and end up with different answers as time passes. As time passes your answer is MOSTL IKELY to change and the real answers surface. If they are not what you’ve spoken some what in the BEGINING then yup = don’t do it.

  11. 51
    Kathy

    I think marriage should be a choice, why is it that everyone has to get married because they want to be together? Why is it that you have to live on top of each other too? In my relationship I specifically decided to live separately and not get married. Why? Because I liked my independence and space and as soon as you get married there is that pressure to have to committ for a lifetime. Which in my view, not healthy. I am ok with my arrangement of no marriage. Just wish most people could understand my viewpoint.

    1. 51.1
      SparklingEmerald

      Then why are you on this blog ?   This is a blog for people who WANT to get married.   If you want validation for your lifestyle, go to a website for people who are single by choice.   Do you go to vegetarian blogs and tell them that it is unhealthy to not eat meat   ?

  12. 52
    John

    Here is a fully comprehensive, scientifically backed exhaustive list of good reasons why men should get married:

     

    End of list.

    1. 52.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      …says the unhappy single man to the happily married man. Thanks for your insight. I’d rebut your argument but I have no interest in engaging with someone who doesn’t believe in the very mission of this website. Bye now.

      1. 52.1.1
        Jonn

        Are you truly happy though Evan?   Is every single part of your marriage   perfect?   Finances, vacation ideas, goals, direction of careers, sex life, how to raise children, chores, etc?   Because if even one of those things you don’t see eye to eye 100% of the time, that’s called compromise.   And when you have to compromise, that ‘s not happiness.   If by single you mean in a committed monogamous relationship for over 2 years, then yes, I am certainly “single.”   Not unhappy thought.   I’m not constrained by some financial contract disguised as love by [enter name of state here].   I’m not sure you even know the original intention of marriage back a long long time ago.   It was to secure, combine, and expand kingdoms…. err I mean for love.   In fact it was illegal for non royalty to marry.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          Jonn, let’s put this simply: Not every single part of marriage is ‘perfect,’ but then, I can guarantee that just because you’re not married, your life isn’t perfect. Which sort of negates your point as you try to compare your life to mine.

          What I DO have – more than anyone I know – is a life that I CHOOSE. I am my own boss. I make a good living and lack for nothing. I wake my kids and work out in the mornings. I work from home from 9-5 and spend quality time with my kids until they go to bed at 8. I spend 8-10 with my wife every night. My wife and I are on the same page with her role (stay-at-home mom) and my role (breadwinner dad who helps out a lot). We’re also aligned on sex and decisions surrounding our kids and social life. I’m not joking when I say that I’m REALLY happily married, which makes me a sound advocate for happy marriage.

          I am thrilled to provide for my family – to have the kids college funds and our retirement almost paid for by age 45 – and I don’t think of myself as a sucker for doing it. My family is the greatest source of joy and meaning – as most people’s families are – and if you don’t get that, that’s fine by me.

          Long story short: whatever compromises I make to be with my life are minimal.

          Thus, I wouldn’t trade places with you – or anyone else – for all the money in the world. I hit the marriage jackpot and I’m determined to help other people achieve the same goal. If that’s not you, get out the way. You’re taking up oxygen that is better served on a marriage-oriented woman instead of a guy who needs to defend his life choices on a blog for women.

        2. Marika

          It’s funny how people who want to ‘go their own way’ and not have other people’s choices forced on them keep coming here to try to force their choices on us committed minded people.

          Why??

          If you’re so happy with your choices, go live them. And leave us to live ours (with a little help from Evan and support from the community).

          That’s why no one is convinced that you’re so happy, John. Happy people don’t seek out people to annoy and question constantly.

      2. 52.1.2
        John

        Also Evan, just to do some math here.   If you take 100 couples, right off the bat 50% will eventually divorce, so that’s 50 couples left.   Of those 50 couples, only 17% will be in a happy marriage.   That is 8.5 couples, but just to give you the benefit of the doubt you I will round it up to 9.   So of the original 100 couples, only 9 will be happy.   That’s 9%!   If any other venture in life had a 9% success rate, you would walk the other way.   If every time you took a plane you had a 9% chance to survive, you would never fly.   If every time you ate out there was a 9% chance that your food didn’t have a cockroach in it, you would never eat out.   But if your marriage is in that 9% chance then CONGRATULATIONS Evan, you are a 9 percenter.   But for every 100 people you “help” with your blog, you are actually only helping 9 of those people achieve happiness.   You end up ruining the lives of 89.   So think about that for a second.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          Bad math, John.

          First of all, it’s not a 50% divorce rate. Even if it was, the overall rate is skewed by under-25s who have a 75% divorce rate. By contrast, for college educated people who marry after 30, the divorce rate is closer to 20%.

          Next, you seem to be of the impression that I’m like the pied piper leading people into miserable outcomes (marriage). But you’re starting with a faulty definition – that marriage is a miserable outcome. It may be for YOU. It may be for people you associate with. But it’s not inherently true.

          I would think of it more like being an entrepreneur. Do many businesses fail? Sure. Does that mean you shouldn’t open a business and should be content making $39K in management at Walmart for the rest of your life? Certainly not. With risk comes reward. Among people who self-report as “very happy,” twice as many of them are married than single.

          So yes, I’m helping people who want to reach a higher plane of joy do it with intelligence, wisdom and integrity.

          Put it this way: if you look at the hundreds of happy couples I helped, I would be shocked if 91% of them were secretly miserable, which would be the result of your crude math.

          Furthermore, as a man who gives advice, I am ruining no one’s life; in fact, I’m changing, saving and creating new life. If you can’t see that in your sad anti-marriage bias, well, I don’t have the time to illustrate that to you any further. Now go your own way. No need for you to engage with us starry-eyed dreamers who believe that we can be in the Top 1/3 of all relationships.

  13. 53
    Ellie

    I would also add that the divorce rate is likely skewed more by people like me who ‘gradually slid’ from a bad relationship into a bad marriage because it just ‘seemed like the right thing to do’.

    We both met after painful breakups/divorces and in hindsight hadn’t recovered emotionally. We wanted to be in a relationship again and were scared of being single. So we stayed together even though it was obvious from the start that the relationship wasn’t that great. Then for financial reasons we bought a house together. We didn’t stop fighting and living together didn’t solve that. But we were scared to change that so we stuck it out. Relationships are like those arcade machines where you keep adding ‘just one more’ coin. Over time you’ve added more and more coins and don’t want to quit because of the money you’ve invested. So instead of walking away, you keep adding ‘just one more’ coin. After 12 years of living together and still fighting, we were over invested and didn’t want to risk leaving. But nothing was improving so we tried marriage as a way to change things up. It just seemed like the next logical step.

    There was no big romantic gesture and hours of serious discussion about what it all meant. Just a question and answer. I think our family and friends celebrated more than we did. Of course marriage didn’t fix anything and after the excitement died down we went right back to the messed up relationship we’d had before. Except now it was harder and more expensive to leave so the fights were much worse. We lasted just over two years before divorce came up. The relationship should have ended years before that, but we were both too emotionally immature and low in self esteem to accept that.

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