Is My Relationship Just Too Good To Be True?

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I’ve quite recently become engaged. My fiance and I are very much in love; we haven’t been dating long — just shy of a year — but in that time, we’ve come to learn much about each other, and find ourselves very evenly and happily matched, intellectually, emotionally, and physically. To use a more trite expression, I’m everything he’s been looking for, and vice-versa. As his friends and family can attest, he’s selfless, kind, and devoted to a fault. The way he behaves around me, toward me, is no different, except that it’s in a romantic context. He’s told his friends and family about me, they liked me immensely when we met, and he’s made it perfectly clear that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. His friends tell me how crazy he is about me. He tells me how crazy he is about me. He is the most attentive and caring person I’ve ever known. Have you ever heard the phrase “if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is?” Well, that tiny phrase has been gnawing on my nerves for some time, Evan. It’s not a question of my not loving him reciprocally, and not wanting to be married to him. I just can’t help but feel a bit wary about the situation. Am I setting myself up for disaster, or have I hit the proverbial “jackpot”? I love him, but I don’t want my feelings to blind me in the event that I’ve wound up in a situation that will end up hurting us both in the end. What potential “motives” can a man have for being so incredibly enthusiastic about a woman / marriage so soon? Neither of us is terribly wealthy, and neither of us want children, so I think we can safely rule those two “motives” out. Thank you for your time and consideration. —Mary

Dear Mary,

I only wish that my clients who fall in love would have the same sense of wariness about relationships that you do.

Because, whether you want to hear it or not, there IS something that is too good to be true — the unexamined marriage.

I was on the phone the other day with a friend who is unhappily married. To be fair, he’d be a difficult guy to be in a relationship with, but his situation is sadly predictable.

Whether you want to hear it or not, there IS something that is too good to be true — the unexamined marriage.

I remember going out to lunch with him when I was engaged and he was first dating. He told me how the chemistry was electric, how the sparks flew, and how he just knew that she was the right one. Part of me felt jealous, because I never felt that intensity with my wife… the other part knew that it was precisely because of this that I was more clearly able to assess our long-term compatibility.

My friend was not.

He was caught up in the throes of passion, and, like most people who let their feelings override their intellect, ended up getting married and pregnant after 16 months together.

He’s now miserable because he didn’t contemplate a vast number of things — how they work as roommates, how often they want sex, how they’d raise a baby, and on and on and on. In a marriage, there are hundreds of things to fight about and they seem to be covering most of them. And why?

Because they thought that a “feeling” had anything to do with managing a marriage.

Scientific studies have shown that the honeymoon feeling tends to wear off of new couples after 18-24 months together.

It’s not until that time that you’ve truly gotten a glimpse of what married life may really look like.

After two years together, couples…

Scientific studies have shown that the honeymoon feeling tends to wear off of new couples after 18-24 months together.

-Have told all their stories so it’s a little harder to find new topics of conversation.
-Don’t necessarily have sex every time they see each other
-Have learned about their partner’s bad qualities
-Have often started to obsess about those bad qualities
-Don’t have the same spark or excitement each time they talk
-Have learned about differences in compatibility — early/late, warm/cold, thrifty/lavish, that weren’t obvious at the beginning.
-Have dealt with conflict, disagreement, illness or failure and seen their partner’s reaction.

If you have a boyfriend who seems too good to be true, that’s wonderful news. It definitely beats the alternative (men suck, there’s no one out there!)

Just don’t kid yourself into thinking you’ve seen the full picture.

If you’re in no rush to have kids, you don’t have a lot of assets, and you’re not getting up in years, I’ve got GREAT news for you!

You don’t have to get married right away.

You can live together, travel a bit, and enjoy the beginnings of a long, beautiful relationship. There’s no rush whatsoever.

The reason that the majority of couples under the age of 25 get divorced is because they move too fast. And if you’re moving too fast, you miss the signs — just like driving 100mph on the freeway.

Take your time, enjoy your guy, and you’ll know a lot better in two years if he is, in fact, “too good to be true”.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Annie

    I’d be wary of anyone pushing for marriage too quickly. I think pre-marital counselling is a great idea. They can really help see the “issues” that may arise in the relationship. Evan’s comment about the “unexamined marriage” is spot on 🙂

  2. 22
    BeenThruTheWars

    @Raymond 15, we were mid 30s/mid 40s at the time, and I’d been married before; the stage of life you’re at colors your expectations and can make a big difference in terms of whether making a leap like we did is a good risk or merely foolhardy.

  3. 23
    SY

    Just wondering, Evan always suggests us  to see the  best  in men.He also says that men are looking for woman who are  easy going  and attractive. If, there are no deal breakers with my new boyfriend ( our values and future plans align, I accept him the way he is, etc) As long as we are  both commited to make a relationship work, shouldnt 1 year be enough to know the other person?  And sometimes, dont we just have to take a leap of  faith?   

  4. 24
    Jason

    @24 – People get married all the time, if you are ready to discuss starting a family and having a children, then there is no need to wait.   Go forth and procreate!   If you think the Man will be a good husband and more importantly a Good Father, then keep him because Good Fathers are difficult to find and all the Good Men will be taken as you get older.  

  5. 25
    starthrower68

    @ jason #24, not “all” the good men will be taken as women age. it may be true that the dating pool will be reduced and the number of “good” men limited even further in that context but older women find good men and get married all the time. evan has numerous stories of how older women have found good men. good men become widowers, divorced, or even if they were foolish when th were younger matured and grew and gave up jerky behavior. not all women are looking for the hot young stud who will also be a good husband and father. some women place character first and looks etc a bit lower (yes i know there has to be attraction). if i let age discourage me, i wouldn’t have gone back to school at 40.

  6. 26
    Darren Miller

    Hmmm this is a very interesting post. My first reaction is to say ‘well done for finding your soulmate.’ Why, just because it seems to good to be true, does it mean that he is being fake In any way?

    However, I do also understand why you are wary. This doesn’t happen every day. I would advise that if you feel this way, you hold off the marriage for a little bit longer. This won’t do any harm but will give you more time to get to know this guy. There is no rush.

    Maybe you should also talk to your partner about your concerns.

  7. 27
    Miranda

    Dear Mary,
    It’s funny to see this post because I had the exact same feelings not too long ago before I married my now husband. I can’t lie our relationship was like a whirlwind cinderella romance, all my friends and his female co-workers were jealous of the way he treated me and how we both gained a new found “glow” when we found eachother. We married after only 9 months of dating….but we basically lived together after a month (even though we waited a while to be sexually intimate), in that small time we experienced so much, and learned so much about eachother. I experienced a passion and chemistry with my husband unlike no other from the time we first met we just fit, and after only just 3 months of dating we became engaged. My friends would look at me and say they wish they could find a man like mine, “it was almost too good to be true”, it also stuck in my mind them saying that because I had experienced many bad realtionships before. The thing is the more i tried to find out if it really was too good to be true, the more I realized how much this really was my reality and destiny. I had finally WON. Time after time I tested him, he only proved to be double the man I thought he was…making me fall deeper and deeper in love with him. We got married in May, and I have no regrets. We already lived together…and parent my son (3) together. I just wanna say that not everything is always too good….maybe you truly just found the reflection of your inner person the same as I have. So let go of the doubt and just accept the happiness. Best of success in your future marriage. =)

  8. 28
    Miranda

    BTW-
    I feel that when you meet your true soulmate, it just clicks, its not forced, and it just happens. My parents married after 3 months of dating and will be celebrating 26 years of marriage this year. I really think when you find your soulmate its a connection that time plays no factor in, so take advantage of the blessing….most people will never have what you and I have found. It doesn’t take years to know if somebody is right for you or not,..in my opinion. Listen to your heart and seize the moment as long as it feels right…but if you have any serious doubts in your mind….then that is your que to wait.

  9. 29
    Heather

    See, this is something that scares me too. I have good reason to feel that it’s too good to be true at times. I’m poor, or well I’m more toward the lower middle class, I’m not middle / middle class (if that makes any sense whatsoever). He’s from a more wealthier family. He’s been to college, twice. His entire family seems to do impressive things and mine is, well struggling.

    I don’t know any other reason to as to why I feel he is too good for me (at times) and that this is too good to be true.

    I love him, and hope things will work out. I know the future may be rocky at times, but I think we can weather anything. I love  that he has come to accept me for who I am, and I him. We’re going to be living together for 11 months, possibly more before tying the knot. All I can do in the end is pray, and have faith in our love and understanding.  

  10. 30
    Heather

    @ Miranda, your post makes me smile. My parents were like yours. They met, and married shortly after. I think it was four or five months later? She knew he was the right when because he loved on me as if I was his own flesh and blood. Here they are 27 years later, still happily married with three grown children and one grandbaby (not by me…yet =)

    I’ll say this much. When we held hands the first time, it felt like electricity  coursed  through my veins. And still, he gives me butterflies and no matter how upset I can be, a simple hello, a smile on skype can make everything better. And I seem to have the same effect on him.  

  11. 31
    LOLA

    Did anyone else feel a little sad for him when he said he “never felt that intensity” with his wife. Not even for a moment? : ( Is she sad to know that she never exhilarated him. I would be sad.  

    1. 31.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      You can be sad, Lola. But my wife and I are really, really happy. I feel for people who have such expectations of the opposite sex that they’re ultimately doomed to fail.

      Does your boyfriend have to be the cutest guy you ever dated? The smartest? The best in bed? The funniest? The richest? Assuming that the answer is no because it’s unrealistic, are you never supposed to acknowledge that? Does your boyfriend really think he’s the cutest, smartest, funniest, AND richest guy you’ve ever met – all in one package? If so, he’s probably delusional – because you’ve been telling him lies. My wife and I don’t lie to each other so we don’t have that problem. She was never obsessed with me, I was never obsessed with her, and yet we have just about the healthiest marriage imaginable. Fancy that.

  12. 32
    katherine grace

      Marry him!   When God blesses you with a compatible partner, and the relationship is very loving and feels oh so right, remember that you have a solid foundation to work with.   If issues do come up in the future, apply God’s way by being respectful, not arrogant, and mindful of the partner.   Work it if its worth it!

  13. 33
    Mavis

    I find it interesting how Evan is always talking about not having that much chemistry with his wife at first – I saw her picture and she is drop-dead gorgeous! When guys give me the “no cemistry” line, I assume it’s about my looks. But apparently “hot” women get it too.

    1. 33.1
      Adrian

      Mavis,

      Attraction, NOT beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

       

      In other words, a man or woman can be aesthetically beautiful, which according to science there are universally attractive traits, but just because a woman meets all the criteria for an attractive person, does not mean that every man will be attracted to her.

       

      When men and women say chemistry, they mean that emotional gut feeling, not logical beauty. The fact that he asked you out means that he finds you at least aesthetically attractive, but on the date he wants you to somehow ignite a strong desire within him towards you.

       

      Trust me, I have countless stories of being out with what society would consider attractive (but not hot, that is on a different level) women, and I felt nothing for them. I have even tried to force myself to feel something, because logically I know they are nice looking woman.

       

      So Mavis, if you are attractive and a guy doesn’t feel any chemistry toward you, it doesn’t mean you are not attractive, it just means that you haven’t invoked a strong desire within him to make you his.

       

      I don’t consider Evan’s wife “drop-dead gorgeous”, hot, nor really pretty, though I recognize that she is aesthetically attractive. But if you listen to her speak on the finding the one online audio or from all the stories Evan tells about her, I can see how she can be “drop-dead gorgeous” in other ways outside of her looks.

       

      So I wouldn’t worry about being considered attractive to every man, remember you only need one.

      1. 33.1.1
        John

        Very well said Adrian.

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