My Fiance of 7 Years Won’t Marry Me! Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

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My fiance of one and a half year will not commit to a date. He has postponed the wedding once (due to a very real financial crisis). We agreed on a timeline for us to set the next date and he is stalling again.

I want to be proactive about this but I don’t want to force him into a wedding he doesn’t want. We will have been together for 7 years in Jan 2008 and I know he loves me but is he waiting for the second coming to fix the date?

Sheena

Dear Sheena,

First of all, I want to acknowledge you for writing to me regarding such a sensitive topic. You’ve invested a lot of time with this guy, and I don’t want to gloss over your very serious issue. But it seems that since we can all be a little too close to our own problems, it might be easier if I give you one of mine to solve. The topic is a little touchy, so be gentle with me, okay? Okay.

So…

Dear Sheena,

My girlfriend will not give me oral sex.

She really loves me and said that she will one day be interested in performing it. It just hasn’t happened yet.

I try not to bug her too much about it because I don’t want her to feel pressured. But I’m beginning to think that, at this pace, I might never get sucked off again.

I know it’s possible to have a relationship without oral sex, but regular hummers are something I’ve always dreamed of. I’m not sure if she’s afraid of penises, had a bad childhood experience, or is just shy, but, after seven years of dating her, I’m starting to feel like a blue-balled chump.

What do you think I should I do?

Evan

First, a few things to note:

Marriage is more important and high-stakes than blowjobs.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 11 months, not 7 years.

She would not be my girlfriend if the above problem were true.

Despite the jokes, Sheena, I really, truly believe that our disparate situations have the same exact solutions.

Simply put, if you and I are not satisfied with the status of our relationships, we must have authentic conversations with our partners about how they’re not living up to our needs and expectations.

And if our partners tell us that things will change but they don’t, we’re faced with two choices:

Stay or Go.

That’s it. Two options. Nothing else.

By staying in a relationship that’s not meeting your needs, you become an enabler who allows your commitment phobic boyfriend to take advantage of you. And by threatening to walk and not walking, you establish yourself as a powerless victim and a doormat. That’s where you’ve been for seven years and that’s where you’ll be in seven years unless you do something differently. ‘Cause clearly, he’s in no rush to change….

By staying in a relationship that’s not meeting your needs, you become an enabler who allows your commitment phobic boyfriend to take advantage of you. 

Let’s establish a caveat: there’s nothing wrong with being in a seven year relationship and not being married, if THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT. Really. To bring it back to my made-up situation…I have a buddy who is married and NEVER gets oral sex. That pattern was established during the three years he dated his wife and he certainly couldn’t expect it to change after he tied the knot. For him, a blowjobless marriage was a bargain he was willing to strike in order to preserve the union. Works for him. Not for me.

So, for you, Sheena, it may well be worth it to stay in an unmarried monogamous relationship as long as you get to keep your “fiancé”.  But you’re not at all unreasonable for wanting a ring, and you’re definitely justified in leaving if you don’t get one.

Ultimatums are unpopular concepts because they seem pushy, but I’ll tell you: if you’ve been pushed around, an ultimatum is ALL YOU GOT. If you’re in your late 30’s/early 40’s, you want marriage and kids, and he’s been stalling for more than 2 years, you sure as hell better tell him to propose or move on.

At a certain point, it ceases being his fault for not committing, and becomes your fault for accepting his lack of commitment.

Whatever you do, good luck. I hope you find a decision that gives you peace and happiness.

 

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Niecie Dee

    Alas… Someone who has been there, done that, went back there, got what she wanted, and REGRETTED EVER MEETING THE DOUCHE! First, let me say, ” Kudos to the blowjob comparison!” That would have put things completely into perspective many years ago! However? I believe I may have been ” Too much of a good thing”, for my own good! I was indeed the cow giving away the milk for free, and cookies, and ice cream, etc…
    I had a roommate, and met a nice enough guy… He decided he wanted to cook me a surprise meal, and before you know it? He and my roommate had already arranged to move him in, WITHOUT ASKING MY OPINIONS FIRST! I felt somewhat rushed, but thought about it, and agreed, thinking if things went well, it would most likely end going that way eventually… Two years into this arrangement, I decided that I no longer liked the idea of being a rental cow, and let him know my thoughts, I knew he was the type of man I could find myself with as a husband, however, I was not comfortable being a live in girlfriend, especially after that much time. He moved, and we decided to part, because I did not want the same arrangement as he did, and we remained friends… A year later? He proposed… I was floored… We were living in different states, California, and Hawaii, ( me).. And I had only seen him once during the year long absence… I accepted, and flew back to California to be with him…. A year later we both got married by simply filing the necessary paperwork at the courthouse, and had our first child… This years marks 27 years, minus the one we were apart, and we have two children and have been married over 23 years.. Seven days ago, he dropped a bombshell on me! He tells me, ” I didn’t want to marry you when I did”….  
    WAIT? WHAT?
    WHY WOULD YOU PROPOSE TO ME WHEN WE WERE NO LONGER TOGETHER, LIVING STATES APART, SPLIT ON FRIENDLY TERMS, AND REMAINED FRIENDS? Why would you marry me, if you did not want to? It has been a full week now, still no good answer to that… Our children are now 21 & 23… And all he has said is, I loved you, and I wanted to be with you, but I wasn’t ready to be married… Ok? So how do you feel NOW? I am assuming you still feel the same way, or you NEVER WOULD HAVE REVEALED THIS SECRET TO ME? Or? You finally feel too guilty about faking your readiness to just get back to where we were? Either way? I DO KNOW THIS? No matter WHY you did it? I WILL NOT LET THIS STATEMENT JUST FLY BY WITHOUT ACTION AGAIN… I AM FILING FOR DIVORCE THIS WEEK…. … EITHER YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT YOU STILL FEEL THIS WAY, AND CANNOT FIND THE WORDS? OR, YOU ARE JUST NOW TELLING ME THAT YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH TO APPRECIATE THE MARRIAGE WHICH WE HAVE NOW, AND EITHER WAY? YOU HAVE DISRESPECTED ME, MY LIFE, AND 27 years of my time by your actions! Things were of easy for a great number of years for us, because he did not behave like that kind of husband who loved their wife so much, that she always felt secure.. And after all of these years, to learn this? I can honestly say one thing… I never lost my self confidence in my ability to be alone, and happy with that, at any expense! So ladies? Don’t blow your guy, and don’t let him blow wind up your skirts, if he isn’t making the forward progress you are expecting? He either never will? Or secretly will under duress and either way? He will NEVER BE THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GETTING! If you walk away, for any reason? KEEP WALKING! I can’t help but feel as though someone has perpetrated the biggest scam ever on me, taking 27 POTENTIALLY WONDERFUL YEARS AWAY FROM MY LIFE, Leaving me with a half hearted husband, and a lot of undue heartache, because he was never fully happy, and that shows in many ways, although hard to pin down, when they become expert liars!   Filing for divorce now? But wish it was an annulment! He is lucky I am not a violent person, that’s all I can say… He assures me, he never meant to hurt me.. However, he did.. He took advantage of my kindness, my ability to forgive, and he gave me tons of things to forgive over the years.. And in the end? All of those heartbreaks? We’re nothing compared to the last slap… And thing ought he would be a hero for telling me he did this ” FOR ME” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA BUDDY DID YOU FORGET I HAD MOVED ON?   UGH………

  2. 42
    GN

    I want to comment on the question about leaving   a committed relationship with a man who will not marry you after 7 or 9 years. If a man is committed and faithful but not ready or willing to marry you should leave him? If a man marries you he is definitely faithful and will be your all and all? The answer to both questions are…it depends….I am 45 years old. Yes I have dated and broke off a long term relationship with a man who did not want to marry me. He was faithful, supportive, a friend,   and loving. Well, I am still dating and looking for those qualities in a man.   Take your chances in any relationship,   but at 45 I’m telling you from experience may have that person in your life today that you wish for tomorrow. Marriage is a great fantasy that most us (women) are programmed to want. But speaking from someone who has friends and family happily married for decades and some divorced after a short time.   Be brave enough to not follow societies rules.   Follow your heart.    Just a different perspective from an older women.  

    1. 42.1
      Mtn girl

      Thank you for this! Societal rules can make things a lot more difficult.

  3. 43
    Margret

    My man and I been together for   10 years he propsed to me 3 times with rings, and he wants to get married but I don’t because things is still the same, he not a provider does not work meaning hold a paying job I pay all the bills , work, attend college, he’s lied and   cheated throughout the relationship, had outside children. He has other issues but I don’t want to get into that. He has a good heart and is a good person. I love him but not enough for marraig everyone only because of our issues. Marraige will not make them better.

  4. 44
    Repulsive Men

    Gross. Of course sexualising marriage. Could of spoke about a cauliflower and sex would be the corresponding association. How pathetic… Grow up.

  5. 45
    Matt

    Voice of sanity: Marriage is a made-up social construct. Do you love him? Does he love you? Are you both loyal and committed? If you can check all those boxes then stop adding strain to a good thing for no good reason other than tradition and societal brainwashing.

    1. 45.1
      Karmic Equation

      There are tax benefits to being married. So if a couple plans on having children during their relationship, they should get married.

      However, absent the desire for children, I agree that marriage is no longer a necessity, due to the fact that illegitimacy is no longer stigmatized and no longer disqualifies illegitimate children from collecting on inheritances. Two reasons marriage was a necessity  in the past.

    2. 45.2
      Mtn girl

      “Need” for marriage can put a lot of pressure on good situations.

  6. 46
    Robert

    i read a lot of woman sharing their expirience about men dont wanting to commit. Well, I have one for you. I have been with my fiance for 7 years. Engaged doe one an a half. While this time she is the one that keeps pushing and pushing the date and putting excuses about why we need to wait or why she is not ready to commit to a date. We keep having arguments about it because I am not a US Citizen and all my visas and extensions will expire soon. If we dont get married I will have to go back to my country and still that doesnt do anything for her. I know she loves me, but this is very stressful for me. I wont have to only start a new single life, but also move back to my home country which I left 10 years ago. I really dont know what to do, but in two months I have to either be married or I will in a flight to my home country.

    1. 46.1
      Katie

      Sounds to me like she doesn’t want to marry you.

      But it also sounds like she cares about you and doesn’t want to be the reason that your life changes so much. She wants you to be happy. She doesn’t want to be the reason that you have to move back and that’s why she is not being direct with you. She feels obligated to stay and has not mustered up the courage to leave.

      I feel sorry for both of you, because I know that you do not want to feel like you are putting pressure on her.

  7. 47
    Glory

    Glory
    I am 25 years old i have been dating my boyfriend now for 6years today and it seem am pushing him into the married talk, some times he gave me feeling of he want to married me but no money yet for marriage preparation,but i noticed when he has money he handled order things important to him, Am about to make a decision of staying or going away ,but am confuse . Please i need an advise.

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