My Husband Had a Stripper at His Bachelor Party and I’m Still Angry!

My Husband Had a Stripper at His Bachelor Party and I’m Still Angry!

I’ve been married for just over 3 months. Prior to marrying my husband, he had a bachelor party. His bachelor party consisted of the men partying and watching football, and then eventually retiring to his friend’s house for 2 full nude strippers in a show. My husband came home completely messed up at 4am.

The issue is that he did not make me aware of the strippers. Later, I saw him bending over and on his ass was a bunch of permanent marker. BUSTED! He kind of came clean, but the timeline of his story and his lack of details make me think it’s worse than I know. He refuses to discuss it with me. Not to mention that when he came home at 4am, he had sex with me. I feel a little used.

Now, 4 months later, I’m still hurt by it and it eats at me that I have no idea what happened with 2 fully nude strippers in his friend’s house or why he would end up home at 4am instead of either a more reasonable time or the next morning. Seems fishy… not to mention he doesn’t even recall having sex with me when he got home.

I’m doing my best to let that go but now we have another friend’s wedding where he is a groomsman. Which means another bachelor party! So, my anxiety is at an all-time high. I’m almost leaning toward telling him if they get private strippers, I will be getting a private massage from at least 1 male therapist, and if they go to a strip club, not a big deal, I’ll stick to a reputable storefront for my massage! Is that unreasonable? Do I seem like an uptight wife? I’m just utterly grossed out by thinking about a nude girl or two rubbing on my man’s crotch! And I’d think he may get a little crazy thinking about a muscular stud rubbing me down with massage oils, so it seems fair, no? –Katherine

Dear Katherine,

I’ve talked about men and their visual proclivities before: namely, here, here, and here.

You’re holding onto this one night like a 7-year-old holding onto his blankie. Let it go, Linus.

I’m not positive I have anything new to say on the topic, so I’ll just do my best to dissect your email to me:

1. You’re married.

This means that you’ve had 2-3 years to date him. You know who he is. You either trust him or you don’t. I would be surprised if he proved to be a completely different human being after you got married.

2. He had a bachelor party with strippers, got hammered, and blacked out.

Certainly not his proudest moment. But is this a pattern with him? Or is it an anomaly – say, something that has never occurred before but only happened at his bachelor party?

If it’s a pattern, I don’t know why you married him. If it’s an anomaly, it’s probably something to write off.

3. He did not make you aware of these strippers.

And if he did, this all would have gone a lot better?

4. There was marker on his ass.

This is more embarrassment from the same bachelor party. It shouldn’t be an additional demerit. If anything, he’s probably ashamed of himself.

5. You feel used because you had sex with your husband.

Why? He’s your husband. Isn’t that what wives do with husbands?

Was it bad? Did you not get off? Or are you just sensitive to the fact that someone else worked him up and you were the one who got to benefit from it?

6. It’s 4 months later and you’re still thinking about it.

I can almost assure you that nothing has changed in 4 months. He’s the same guy he was before you married him. The same guy he was after you married him. You’re holding onto this one night like a 7-year-old holding onto his blankie. Let it go, Linus.

Most husbands don’t like to make their wives feel bad. Just as most husbands don’t like to be told what to do.

7. He came home at 4am instead of spending the night out.

Yeah, let me know when it’s a good plan for a man to not show up at home after his bachelor party.

8. Your response to the next bachelor party is to hire a male masseuse.

Um, okay. And he should worry about this because…?

Remember, you’re his wife. He trusts you. Why should he remotely care about who is massaging you? Unless you’re going to answer an erotic want ad in the back of your local paper, I’m pretty sure your plan to piss him off won’t do much, except illustrate one thing:

You’re jealous and you feel you’ve been wronged.

I can’t convince you of the latter. But I hope you can acknowledge the former.

If he didn’t cheat on you, there’s nothing to worry about, is there?

If he did cheat on you, then you married a man of poor character. Sorry.

But just because he had a drunken bachelor party doesn’t mean he cheated on you.

Thus, you have two choices: trust him and let this sordid night be filed away as a distant memory. Or keep up this worry, paranoia, jealousy, and tit-for-tat game and see where that leads you.

I think it’s obvious which choice I’m advocating.

Sure, you can put your foot down and forbid him from going to a bachelor party where there are strippers.

Just know that telling your husband what he’s allowed to do is rarely a winning strategy.

My advice for you is to let him know that you know you’re being a little thin-skinned but his bachelor party made you feel bad. All in all, you trust him. You love him. You are just sensitive about this kind of thing.

Then listen to his explanation.

Most husbands don’t like to make their wives feel bad. Just as most husbands don’t like to be told what to do.

Join our conversation (198 Comments).
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  1. 1

    Only you know if it’s a dealbreaker or not.
    Do you want to be in a marriage to a man who goes to strip clubs or not? Did you not discuss this before you married him?
    I Understand why you feel used.If you don’t then he gets to choose to do what he likes stay married to you or go to strip clubs when he wants.
    If it’s not that big a deal it’s not that big a deal. If it is then it’s a deal breaker.
    Only you know what you want and is acceptable in your life. Didn’t you discuss this before you got married.?Only you know what he his like when the drink flows if he drinks.
    My neighbour found out her fiance had simulated sex on his stag night Stripper strapped on a dildo on him and rode the dildo.  His brother and all the other married men didn’t go to the strip club only him and his single buddies. She didn’t marry him,. She actually was so distraught she committed suicide a few weeks later.
    Think most men single men who are not in committed relationships go and try strip clubs out. Not all but most at sometime. Don’t know any personally who go once they are in an exclusive committed relationship or married.
    Only you know what is right for you and what you want. You get to choose just like he does.
    Calm, open and honest discussion is the only way. Not telling him what to do or pretending it is ok with you if it isn’t.

    1. 1.1

      This is a coment for Katherine,

      I understand how you feel. I am a stripper and bachelor parties are my specialty. There is a lot more going on then nude strippers dancing for the guys. We have lesbian shows and it is like seeing a real porn. We use toys and have the groom and friends help us. Also we have different type of games and get all the guess involved. Games like eat the pussy pie, dildo helper, etc. Extras it is up to the girls and it is free.
      Do not allow your husband to go to bschelor parties anymore but forgive about his bachelor party. That happened before getting married and we usually respect the groom. Do not bother him anymore even if you get angry about it, that will kill your marriage and you do not want that to happen. Do you want to know more about bachelor parties? Google “bachelor party services” and search through their menu and it gives you more details about the girls and what they do. Good luck and leave the past in the past, you cannot change anything that happened yesterday but can plan better for the future.

  2. 2

    This women is not thin skinned.  She justifiably put off by her husbands inappropriate behavior.  Watching fully naked women engage in a sexual display for entertainment is a show of disrespect to your marital commitment.  It’s also exploitation of another human being.  I’m so sick of this boys will be boys justification for objectifying and exploiting women and betraying your wife.  This isn’t an issue of jealousy.  It’s an issue of respect.  Why is watching two 18 year old girls (who are probably runaways from abusive homes) use a two way dildo so important?  It’s wrong in every way.  Why is it worth causing your wife so much distress?  Why is the bachelor party so sacred?  Why is taking advantage of a desperate persons vulnerability justifiable if it serves the male “visual proclivity”?  It’s wrong.  Men are not entitled to this because they’re men and “that’s how men are” so it must be accepted and allowed.  Treating your wife this way is wrong.  Taking advantage of some young girl just because she’s willing to put herself through this is wrong.  There’s no justifying it.  A decent man would not enable the choice of a misguided young women to put herself in a position that will cause further damage to her self esteem.  A decent man would recognize that just because someone is willing to harm them self doesn’t mean that it’s okay to exploit that as an opportunity to take advantage of them.  Evan you should be the one to “grow up” and “let go”.  This is a contentious issue for most couples on the eve of their wedding.  Accepting this bull shit is forced on women under the assertion that men are entitled to this.  We don’t have to accept this.  If it’s important enough to you to cause your wife severe upset, then you shouldn’t be getting married.  

    1. 2.1

      From a married males point of view I fully agree, albeit I may be a minority. I personally think that strippers outlets and other likened venues are nothing more than legalised prostitution. You pay and give or receive sexual stimulation, oral sex or more.
      Ladies too are guilty of this. Many strip clubs and parties turn the blind eye to the stripper actually allowing oral and manual stimulation from the participating audience.
      You simply wont find a respectful male or female at a strip club or organised strip party. its as simple as that. No I would not allow my wife to go, nor would she allow me to go either. On both parties,we would not want to participate in this type of entertainment. Nothing but trouble would be the end result. Strip Clubs and Strip Parties should have strict guidelines as to audience participation, which should be none.
      Some people say its only looking etc, make no mistake about it if a stripper place her naked private parts in the face of an alcohol induced male their will only be one reaction. The same will apply to a “lady” who is put into the same position.
      People who live by the sword, often are victims of it.

      1. 2.1.1
        Jay Williams

        Exactly. I don’t understand why guys feel the need to do this at these parties; it’s not like they’re never again gonna see a naked woman once they’re married! They need to be respectful to their fiancée and actually act like a man in a committed relationship. If a guy wants the freedom to mess around like that, then he shouldn’t be getting married.

    2. 2.2

      Right on! It’s 2014 now, come on.  Ever heard of gender equality?

    3. 2.3

      Well said Gia. Thank you.

    4. 2.4

      Niceley said couldn’t have said it any better ! most men are pigs if you get a good guy keep him no married man belongs near al strip club period > and them women aren’t the ones doing his laundry cooking cleaning working what ever and your the one taking care of his kids not to mention hes giving some slutt the money out of your kids mouth !

    5. 2.5

      How many strippers have you personally known before you jumped to that conclusion and just judged all of them?  Not once in your entire reply did you treat them as a person, let alone a professional, let alone a happy citizen of this planet earth.  Next time you disagree with someone’s choice at least please have the courtesy to not objectify them.   Or I guess you can, but you are only adding hatred to the world and when other don’t accept your judgement and objectification of them, then you are simply left alone with your misplaced hate.  I hope you get a chance to reassess your judgement and find out that they are people too.  Hope this finds you in good health.

      1. 2.5.1
        well saddy

        I’ve known a few. One didn’t finish high school. The other didn’t get to go to college. One was always working side jobs to try to get out of the stripping business. The other viewed it for some reason as a “necessary evil” (I guess because no one had ever mentored her when she was young into ways to make money besides working minimum wage forever) until she could find a rich guy to take care of her or break into the movie business as a head wardrobe person. Both respected themselves but not stripping. Stripping is what they did until something better came along. And no, they did not sexually desire or respect the men who gave them money. They often made fun of them later. I don’t know if either were sexually abused as kids or not.


    6. 2.6

      thank you so much for this!

    7. 2.7

      amen sister

      I’m recently engaged and my fiancé keeps saying its not up to me its my best man and I can’t be a lame guy that says sorry guys my fiancé won’t let me…

      But there won’t be a wedding if there are strippers. His choice. if he respects my feelings around it which I hope he would then I know hel respect our marriage

    8. 2.8

      @Exploitation of another.

      Strippers perform voluntarily. It is not exploitation.

      Exploitation is the African kids getting their hands chopped off in countries that are imposed on forcibly by Western militaries by De Beers. Enjoy your blood diamond.

    9. 2.9

      Wow .. So much hate, and for what?  A guy went to a bachelor party and saw strippers there.  Without knowing anything about the 2 girls you straight up attack  their character & cast judgement on them.  Most of the time, the girls choose to do this, it’s a way to earn money & who says they will be doing it forever?

      There is nothing wrong with viewing the naked human body, women also partake in this as well you know.  It isn’t as 1 sided as you may think.  Also the guy came home, you’d really only have to worry if he didn’t.

      Now while I do understand that these things do offend some people and are against their beliefs\cultures\religions, my question is, how in the lead up to getting married was there not a conversation about the bachelor party\ hens night and their feelings towards having strippers at these events.

      In this day and age I see all too often the lack of communication between people,  I am not blaming either individual, but both of them as a couple.  So you need to sit this guy down & talk it out, discuss how it makes you feel.  Let him him talk about how he feels & go from there.

      Sitting around stewing on something and plotting ways to get back at him will only drive a wedge between the couple.

      So much hate and blame out there … maybe you should all try talking things out more.



      1. 2.9.1
        well saddy

        What is a “hens night”?

    10. 2.10

      Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    11. 2.11
      well saddy

      Well said. This right here is what will save men and women: “Why is watching two 18 year old girls (who are probably runaways from abusive homes) use a two way dildo so important?” 

      And this:

      “A decent man would recognize that just because someone is willing to harm them self doesn’t mean that it’s okay to exploit that as an opportunity to take advantage of them.” 





  3. 3

    Obviously nobody knows the other aspects of your relationship but you…how is your relationship besides this incident? Is he a good husband? Do you enjoy being together, have good communication, same life goals, a good sex life, etc etc? If yes, then I personally would say let this go.
    Maybe you need to state your peace with him, as Evan suggested. Tell him that it made you uncomfortable for X reason, but that you trust him (which is why you married him I assume). He must (I hope) have a lot of great qualities that led you to wanting to marry him in the first place. I would not let the issue of him having strippers at his bachelor party drive you crazy and/or ruin an otherwise perfectly healthy marriage.
    Remember, being jealous really hurts you way more than it hurts anyone else. Nobody can make us feel anything…we are responsible for our own feelings. Are you making yourself feel the way you want to? If not, only you can change that. Best of luck!

  4. 4

    Holly, I think the issue is will he now do it again and organise strippers for his mates Stag do? And be involved. If he thinks his wife is ok about it he will or the fiance of the groom.
    And what about his fiance? What is her views on this?
    Everyone needs to be on the same page really, if they think it is an important issue to them. And then each person gets to decides what they want and what is more important.?Different people have different ethics, morals and values. And if your inner core morals and values don’t match, you are not a match.

  5. 5

    Your jealousy says a lot about you, perhaps counseling would help you to feel more secure about yourself and your marriage.  I agree with Evan on the Black Out of your husband, this is not normal and is a sign of an alcoholic.

  6. 6

    I’m almost leaning toward telling him if they get private strippers, I will be getting a private massage from at least 1 male therapist, and if they go to a strip club, not a big deal, I’ll stick to a reputable storefront for my massage! Is that unreasonable?”
    Katherine, I agree with Evan for the most part.  If this was a one-off, then forgive your husband.  In all likelihood, his friends planned the party and he just showed up.  He may or may not have known about the strippers, but strippers at bachelor parties aren’t exactly unusual.
    You would have had more success had you talked to him a month or so prior to the bachelor party about what activities may or may not happen, and said then that you did not like the idea of him having strippers and then he could have put in a request with his friends.  But, the past is the past.
    Your idea about getting a male masseuse is just spiteful and immature, and I wonder if this is a natural communication style for you. (In which case: Watch out, marriage).  Look, I’m not saying you have to love your husband seeing a stripper, but you DO need to be able to effectively communicate with your husband and he needs to effectively respect what you say.  The fact that he is avoiding talking this early on means he either thinks it’s not worth the bother, because he will get yelled at, or he just doesn’t care. (probably the former).
    Either way, the idea that you will get a masseuse and hold that over his head as a type of punishment seems unhealthy.  The first thing you need to do is forgive.  The second thing you need to do is have a healthy conversation about WHY you are opposed to strippers and communicate it in a way where your husband can engage, not run away.  Third, you have to let him hang out with his friends.  Whether or not you like the fact that there were strippers or what your opinion is on men who go to strip clubs, etc, your husband did not cheat on you and it seems that this is where the problem is.
    Perhaps, spend a little time thinking about WHY your anxiety is so high.  Ex: Were you cheated on by a past boyfriend, and are now holding your husband accountable to be Mr. Perfect?

  7. 7

    Even as a woman, I completely agree with Evan on this one. It really is as simple as letting it go, or sit there winding yourself up, winding him up and ultimately causing problems in your relationship. I am assuming that you trusted your husband before you were married, otherwise you wouldn’t have married him… A relationship with no trust only has one outcome, and it’s not a nice one. 

  8. 8

    I may be even more out of my depth here than I was with the bondage/domination thing but I think strippers don’t have sex with their clients because they don’t have to?  Same with masseurs.
    Of course, that brings us to what exactly constitutes sex. And that some strippers and masseurs do.  
    I agree that you either trust him or you don’t, I also think he should stay away if he knows how much it bothers you.  I don’t think I would want to cause this much upset to someone I loved over something not very important to me. 

  9. 9

    I don’t know why she should have the explain to him that she is “thinskinned”? After all these are her feelings, and even though men and women may think “differently” about these things, her feelings are more important than his “fun” if it hits at her inner core.. After all this is a marriage of TWO people and he is not going to end up so well in it if he is not sensitive to her..
    I wonder if he would have liked her coming up with markers on her butt from male strippers at her batchelor party drunk at 4 am??! Ha!

    1. 9.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Kathy, who doesn’t see why the OP should admit to being “thinskinned”. Okay, let’s play a game: Which Version Is A Man Going To Listen To:

      1. “Husband, if you EVER go to another bachelor party with strippers again, you are a selfish asshole who has no regard for my feelings and I will serve your divorce papers the next day.”


      2. “Sweetie, I know it’s probably a little silly for me to be this hypersensitive about a bachelor party that happened four months ago. After all, I love you, I trust you, and you’ve never given me any reason in the past to feel jealous. It’s just that I find that I’m still a little bothered by the details of your bachelor party and I just wanted to let you know that it doesn’t feel good. I hate that I feel this way, but I do. And now that you’ve got another party coming up, I’m finding myself getting nervous and resentful. What can we do about this?”

      As the man here, I declare #2 the winner, and must note that I’m still the defending champion of telling women how to communicate more effectively with men. It will be hard to take that title away from me, Kathy.

      1. 9.1.1

        I think both comments are extreme and that there is a neutral medium here.  I don’t think she needs to be aggressive and attack him/shame him for what he did.  I also don’t think she needs to criticize herself/shame herself for her natural feelings.  Why does there need to be any disclaimer for her feelings at all?

        Instead of calling herself hypersensitive and thin-skinned, can’t she just start by saying, “Honey, I love you and I trust you.  I’m finding myself holding on to some strong feelings and fear and I’d like to open up a discussion in a way where we can understand each other better instead of feeling judged and hurt.”

        I understand that you have strong feelings here to defend men because men are often stigmatized for this behavior, but making women wrong is not the answer either.

  10. 10

    Was there something in the original letter about a stripper using a strap-on dildo on a guy at the party? Now I’m not seeing it…Gia refers to it in #2.

  11. 11

    Gia @ #2…  Well Said!!!

  12. 12
    Evan Marc Katz

    No, Ruby, there was not. And while I don’t remotely agree with Gia, it’s not a huge leap of faith to suggest that something like that may have happened at a private stripper party. The two way dildo was probably for the strippers themselves, however, not for the bachelor himself.

  13. 13

    Evan, I am not trying to take away your “winner” category of having women try to effectively communicate with men 🙂 you are quite good at that in most instances..
    I just think there is a way to communicate that is between  your no.1 response and your no.2. No. 2 is walking on eggshells to the extreme. Why is it that we have to be soooo sensitive when communicating our feelings to a man, but he doesn’t have to be sensitive to our feelings at all. I bet this man probably knew that his wife would have not strippers at his batchelor party, that’s why there probably wasn’t any mention of it.
     If a man can’t hear, “a Honey, I don’t like that, it makes me feel (unloved, unworthy, or whatever it is we feel)… then he doesn’t care about his wife’s feelings. Men should not have to be coddled like babies in all of our conversations with them. That just keeps them in the “baby” status!

    1. 13.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Because, Kathy, as your mother taught you, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. And being sensitive to your husband is the best way to ensure he’s sensitive to you.

    2. 13.2

      Kathy, you rock. That was well put. Agreed men don’t need to be coddled. Men also aren’t stupid, they KNOW when something is going to upset their partner, so they need to start being sensitive to us, first.

  14. 14

    So how can the rest of us learn from this, certainly no one wants to be 4 months after this still feeling the way she does.  I am no fan of strippers, I think its kind of sad and obviously exploitative. However, I would FAR prefer my boyfriend/fiance/husband go to an actual strip club then to get private strippers. I’ve heard tales from these kind of parties and I have to say, just because intercourse might not happen doesn’t mean things I would want a partner participating in or even pressured in don’t happen. How do we have the conversation BEFORE so that if they are going to partake in some naked ladies those ladies aren’t performing sexual acts or at least, their pals aren’t pressuring them into it?

    1. 14.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Julia, “How do we have the conversation BEFORE so that if they are going to partake in some naked ladies those ladies aren’t performing sexual acts or at least, their pals aren’t pressuring them into it?”

      You don’t. You trust.

      I’ve yet to hear a compelling argument for how NOT trusting your fiance make him feel closer to you.

      In other words, you don’t have to TELL your man to NOT cheat on you. You trust that he WON’T and you don’t interrogate him before or after. That’s what trust MEANS.

      If you can’t do this, either YOU’RE insecure or you don’t actually trust your fiance. Both are serious problems.

      1. 14.1.1

        Let’s flip this story around. Say a man came to you with this same story, his wife came home drunk at 4 am from a bachelorette party, has busted written on her butt and admitted there were male strippers at this bachelorette party and obviously she dropped her pants and one of them wrote on her butt. What would you tell him?

  15. 15

    Also to the OP, it may be worth keeping in mind that your husband’s love for you is so strong that he managed to keep it in his pants while he was blacked out, in the presence of multiple naked ladies, and being egged on by a bunch of drunk guys. I think your feelings are valid that you’d prefer he didn’t put himself in such a tempting situation. But, given the circumstances, it sounds like your guy handled himself quite well. 

  16. 16

    It sounds to me like there was either little communication of your comfort boundaries before you got married, or maybe there was and you still accepted him.
    Trust me when I say that unless they were escorts, strippers don’t sleep with the guys they are performing for. 
    I agree that the best communication at this point, is what EMK stated. 
    Either way, he participated in an activity that has made you feel very insecure. I would say talk in a way that does not express anger or control, but expresses love, and describes your feelings on the matter. 
    Also realize that men are less likely to hide and accept their friends infidelity than womens friends are. I can only tell you from my experience from being a male, who has been to bachelor parties – ITs raunchy, its mainly humorous, and includes copious amounts of alcohol. The worst I have witnessed is a lap dance that might be a little more raunchy than what you see in a strip club.
    If this is a true boundary for you, which it seems to be, You would need to tell him that it makes you uncomfortable. But in a way that isn’t spiteful, and jealous.
    I am just saying that 99.9% of the time you have nothing to worry about with strippers. 
    BUT if your main upset comes from the fact that he likes to look at the female form, clothed, unclothed and all states in between – Good luck with that, the only solution will be to turn him into a gay man, and I doubt you want to be married to a gay man… 
    This is a sensitive subject for me, I totally understand why you feel the way you do. But as ben franklin said “Eyes Wide open before marriage, and half shut after” – It doesn’t mean ignore infidelity, it means not to suspect infidelity at every turn because presumably you “vetted” your spouse before hand. (Which I did not)… 
    I hope you are able to overcome this, and I hope you are able to know that he is highly likely not cheating.
    Some real signs? secret messaging, leaving the room to talk on the phone all the time when he previously hadn’t. The behavior changes more than attending a party.He will either overcompensate with sudden care, or treat you extremely distantly… 
    Good Luck

  17. 17


    I seriously in a month of Sundays, would not feel comfortable having either of those conversations. The first sounds really attacking and the seconds sounds like my feelings are wrong silly which is not real or true.  I would clearly state that I don’t want to be in a marriage to someone who wants to go to strip clubs or watch live strippers doing sexual simulated acts. But totally respect if this is something he wants to continue to be able to do whilst in a marriage. And he is free to live his life and makes what ever choices he wants. And then ask him what he thinks. As I would seriously not be able to be in a marriage like that. And Luckily have not been and neither do I know any married women personally who are.
    None of the married men I know personally want to do this.
    What does thin skinned mean? I have not ever heard that expression.
    And people who are very sensitive are not silly. Feelings are feelings, just as some people feel more pain than others etc. Or are more sensitive to smells or tastes, it is part of who they are. I wouldn’t dismiss anyone’s reality bu calling them names like SILLY.  They are what they are so obviously the right man for them would be someone who was sensitive to who they were. No other match in reality would be workable. It is not silly to be hypersensitive to any stimuli or peoples suffering etc. It is that persons reality and who they are as a person. Many gifted people and some people with ASD fall in this category they are not silly or wrong they are who they are. They don’t need Fixing ot told they are wrong and silly for feeling what they feel.

  18. 18

    Let’s assume I have a wife.  In which of the scenarios below would I be justified to be jealous (reasonable man standard please):
    1.  My wife seems to be smiling and making eye contact with the handsome young waiter?
    2.  My wife goes out to lunch with a male co-worker without telling me first.
    3.  My wife has a couple of drinks at a neighborhood party and starts dancing with some of the neighborhood men.
    4.  My wife has always been extremely flirtatious with all men she comes in contact with.  It never bothered me before we got married, but now?
    5.  My wife goes out for girls’ night out every Wednesday with her friends.  It might be drinks/dinner, Magic Mike, or the Chippendales.
    6.  My wife has maintained a very close friendship with a former boyfriend and they talk several times a week.
    7.  My wife goes to a wild bachelorette party – male strippers, lots of booze, sex toy presents for the bride, etc.
    8.  My wife has an affair.
    Maybe I’m an outlier but the only scenario that would bother me in the least is #8.  If I don’t trust my wife, it’s not much of a relationship.

    1. 18.1
      just got burned!

      Still Looking, I love your open mindedness but please don’t let your guard down so much.  When alcohol is involved people do things they would never normally do.  A few years ago I had sex with my girlfriend after an afternoon of drinking. I’ve been married to my husband for 20 years and have 4 kids.
      Last month my husband went to dinner and got very drunk. Long story short, he had sex with a stripper.
      I know that I love my husband more than anything in the world besides my kids and my family. I know that my husband loves me the exact same way.
      We’re very passionate, have open communication, sex at least 6 times/wk (yes, even with all those children), and I still feel like I feel when I see the waiter bringing my dinner when my husband walks in the room.
      Of course it’s not perfect. We fight as hard as we love.
      My point is, shit happens!
      Btw, I’m completely devastated and shattered. I can’t see myself leaving tho 🙁

    2. 18.2

      I don’t believe the point here is trust. Time after time I hear people say ‘oh they should just trust him’, what if you have a wife who is very uncomfortable with you attending strip shows with lots of naked women and sex toys because perhaps she feels being in a committed relationship is special and men shouldn’t require the sexual entertainment of other women, even if it is clear she wouldn’t be “cheated” on, she feels it is outside the boundaries of the relationship… not a trust issue then. Both parties in a relationship need to come to an agreement of what they feel comfortable with a d what aligns with their values.

  19. 19
    Jackie H.

    You either trust him or you don’t…So he got turned on after seeing strippers…you would have an entirely different problem on your hands if he wasn’t turned on…

  20. 20

    There are other fish in the sea. Perhaps you made a mistake with this one. Perhaps you did not. If it bothers you, own it and be willing to walk if you can’t get over it. Life is too short. Grow a spine and pick a side – get over it, or leave. You CAN find someone else more in line w/ your morals and values. Just make sure you have these discussions BEFORE getting married. Good luck to you.

  21. 21

    Rose @ #20
      Thin skinned means “overly sensitive”.  I guess to you feelings… Dunno

  22. 22

    The women on this thread who are so uptight about the strippers are being silly. When a bunch of drunk guys get together for a bachelor party, its fun to watch 2 women getting off on double ended dildos. Why? Because it is a sexual freak show. You only witness that a few times in your life. Yes, guys like that stuff once a decade. Get over it.
    And there is always one guy in the group who doesn’t attend the bachelor party and he is made fun of because we all know it was his wife/girlfriend that refused to let him go. And he let her dicate. Trust me, any guy that pulls a no show for his friend’s bachelor party is thought less of by his peers. So ladies if you are worried about him cheating, then screw his brains out before he goes out so there is nothing left in the tank. Otherwise, just keep your paranoia to yourselves.

  23. 23

    @ Gia (#2) and Rose (#10): spot on, I agree with you guys 100%! You can still be an understing wife, without accepting the whole ‘boys will be boys’ crap. 
    And guess what, if we sit and trust, and wait without saying beforehand that something that he’s about to do will hurt us… He’ll do as he pleases and after will say ‘ops sorry sweety, I didn’t know this would bother you’. Iif you don’t ask / talk beforehand about something fishy, they’re not going out of their way to think about they’ll do , or talk to you about it. So I think I’d skip on the ‘sit around and trust’ if my boyfriend was about to go to a strip club, I’d actually be very honest about how that hurts me and how I don’t accept it. In the same way I won’t do anything that hurts him.

    1. 23.1

      I agree; ‘boys will be boys’ is not some clause you can just throw in to let men treat their partners like their feelings don’t matter.

      My ex worked under the policy of ‘it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission’ – even though I never specified that he needed to ask my permission to do anything, he already knew from previous relationships (and from it being totally obvious…) that certain behaviours would inevitably cause upset and he wanted to participate without feelings of guilt getting in the way from the start, then he would feign ignorance later and apologise.

      I didn’t understand how he could show such disregard for me, especially since I am not someone who is particularly demanding or ‘hypersensitive’ – which btw seems like a word used to dismiss the fact that you have hurt the person you are supposed to love.

      I would be hurt if my partner proposed marriage and then felt the need to celebrate our wedding by watching two women f*ck a dildo….

      The issue for me is nothing to do with trust or jealousy; it wouldn’t occur to me that he would actually have sex with one of these strippers. I would however be incredibly upset that he could disrespect our relationship in such an unnecessary way, whilst using the very fact that we are getting married as an excuse. If some women are ok with this, that’s fine, it’s just not ok with me.

      I don’t think it’s being jealous, uptight, or ‘hypersensitive’ to not want a naked woman sticking her vagina in your fiances face.

      I would expect him to feel the same way if the roles (and genitals) were reversed.

      1. 23.1.1
        Karmic Equation


        Men aren’t women with penises. What men want and what women want are sometimes (maybe even oftentimes) diametrically opposed. Women want monogamy, men want variety. Women want conversation, men want peace. Men want the woman he fell in love with not to change because he accepted her completely the way she was. Women want the man she fell in love with to change to become the man that she can accept completely.

        Boys WILL be boys. Unfortunately, sometimes what makes them boys will irritate the sh*t out of us women.

        You don’t have to LIKE anything that makes a boy a boy. But if you want a boy to love you like no other, accepting the fact that boys being boys will often irritate you and you may have to suck it up (occasionally or often, depending on your easy-goingness or lack thereof) to reduce conflict in your relationship, then you either do it or find another guy. Changing him is not an option that bodes well for your relationship.

        If you already know that your guy is the “beg forgiveness” type of guy, and you can’t tolerate that, then dump him and find a different guy.

        It doesn’t matter how much you love him, if him being him, irritates or hurts you.

  24. 24

    John, I have no interest in any man who is more concerned about what his peers think than his relationship with his wife. Or who wants to get drunk with his mates and watch women in real life doing freaky sexual acts. Not someone I would personally want to  enter a committed relationship with. So I feel no need to get over anything. Or any men who calls women silly and uptight. Not really on my level, or what I want.
    Other women might be interested in ‘men’ like that and they would be a better match for each other. if they are truly  happy about that Not the type of man I would consider good husband material personally as I am only in interested happy loving relationships.
    So I don’t feel the need to get over anything TY.

  25. 25

    @EMK 17…“I’ve yet to hear a compelling argument for how NOT trusting your fiance makes him feel closer to you.”
    I have yet to hear a compelling argument for how a man going to wild bachelor parties & then not discussing it makes his wife feel closer to him??? 
    It’s supposed to go both ways. Men cannot expect trust/acceptance thru behavior that makes their spouse insecure. (Obviously that varies between women). Men want/need trust/acceptance. I get that. Women want/need security & to feel loved. When her fiancee went to the bachelor party that is not what his actions told her. It made her feel insecure – But now she is somehow supposed to make him feel closer to her by trusting him? Am I missing something?? 

    1. 25.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Cat – Yes, you’re missing something.

      “Men cannot expect trust/acceptance thru behavior that makes their spouse insecure.” and “It made her feel insecure”.

      We’ve just zeroed in on the crux of this issue. Some women think that a man going to a bachelor party, occasionally viewing porn, talking to another woman at a party “makes you feel insecure”. I would suggest that such a woman already IS insecure, and such actions only bother to inflame her insecurities.

      Put another way, women who are NOT insecure will not react to the above situations and project their insecurities on their husbands. So the actions themselves don’t cause any problems.

      Most of the women here are blaming men for “making you feel” insecure. I would intimate that if you were truly secure, none of this would matter. It doesn’t with my wife. It doesn’t with my friends’ wives. And until you can find the confidence to realize that none of this means anything, you will continue to get frustrated at “where all the good men are”.

  26. 26

    IMO Katherine’s problem is that she doesn’t trust her man enough to know that nothing happened between him and the strippers.  That means she didn’t get to know him well enough before getting hitched.  Buyer’s remorse, if you will.

  27. 27

    #25 John
    I agree with John.  It’s unfortunate so many women don’t understand men, want men to be just like women and are thin skinned.  You’re all in for a long life of frustration and irritation and a real chance of having another women interefere (one who treats him with respect and like a grown man capable of being trusted and making his own decisions) if you don’t lean back, lighten up, TRUST, and get yourself educated on how men think and operate. 

  28. 28
    Karmic Equation

    @Rose 27

    “John, I have no interest in any man who is more concerned about what his peers think than his relationship with his wife.”

    And few men, good or bad, would be interested in a woman who doesn’t care about what he wants too. A woman who thinks that what’s important to her trumps what’s important to him isn’t what most men are looking for.

    A discussion COULD have taken place before the party, but I think we’ve pretty much established that most men aren’t great communicators, and while you’re bludgeoning him with words or emotions about what’s important to you, he may not be able to communicate about his feelings about “peer pressure” and the like.

    As a woman, “being sensitive” is not only feeling YOUR OWN emotions but actually being able to feel HIS as well, and being “natural verbal” communicators, it behooves a woman to try to put HIS feelings into words in order to help him understand himself, which in turn gets him closer to understanding you. And that understanding creates the connection that makes a man love you, if love is your objective.

    What I’m sensing is that relationships are a one-way street with you. Your way of communicating or don’t communicate. Your ideas of what’s important trumps HIS ideas about what’s important. What you’re interested in in a man, not what HE’s interested in in a woman.

    If you’re having trouble finding a satisfactory relationship because men you do find interesting disappear on you or if you’re having trouble finding a satisfactory man, that would come as no surprise. Few men are satisfactory to you and you are probably unsatisfactory to most men. You can delude yourself that it’s your high standards that are preventing you from finding a man, but I would hazard a guess that your high standards are a pre-emptive strike against likely rejection.

    @Reema 26

    “In the same way I won’t do anything that hurts him.”

    Distrust hurts a man, especially one who is trustworthy. If you married a man you don’t trust completely, controlling him after the fact isn’t going to make him more trustworthy. So either you trust him or you don’t. If you don’t you shouldn’t have married him in the first place. If you do trust him, he’s not all of a sudden going to become an untrustworthy man because some woman is flashing her hoohaa at him. And since he isn’t the bachelor, odds are the hoohaas are being flashed at the guest of honor, not him.

    @John 25

    I find it interesting that women want “honest” men and when presented with an honest man’s honest response, she gets offended and tells you you are not worthy of her interest. My best friend, who happens to be a man and adores women, not a player, a truly good man acknowledges, “Yup, that’s the hypocrisy of women for you. I love ’em, but yeah, they’re like that. You just deal with it if you want a woman in your life.”

  29. 29

    I guess strippers and batchelor parties come with the territory when you decide on a full blown wedding with all the trimmings. You should have just signed the marriage certificate at the registry and then gotten down to a simple/casual luncheon or dinner with family and close friends.
    To be honest, batchelor parties are just as commercial and contrived as big fat weddings are. To be honest, unless your husband is a teenager embarking on adult life for the first time, this celebration of the ending of adolescence and irresponsibility with final adolsecent behaviour and irresponsibility – is really quite unnecessary.
    Yeah – this tit for tat attitude is really going to strengthen your marriage !
    If you are going to react to childish behaviour with childish behaviour then like a marriage between two children, this is not going to end well.
    Act and behave like an adult and maybe your husband will take the cue from you. If not, congratulations you have married a child.

  30. 30

    One last point to the ladies. I have been to my fair share of bachelor parties especially in my 30s when my friends got married. And none of the attendees, including the groom, hooked up with a stripper. Many of them are skanky and the ones that aren’t skanky usually have a bodyguard. So its just a freak show and some male bonding and nothing more. The image that women have of what goes on at bachelor parties isn’t even remotely close. Trust me when I say that guys will grab more beers than boobs at those things.

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