My Husband Had a Stripper at His Bachelor Party and I’m Still Angry!

My Husband Had a Stripper at His Bachelor Party and I’m Still Angry!
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Evan,

I’ve been married for just over 3 months. Prior to marrying my husband, he had a bachelor party. His bachelor party consisted of the men partying and watching football, and then eventually retiring to his friend’s house for 2 full nude strippers in a show. My husband came home completely messed up at 4am.

The issue is that he did not make me aware of the strippers. Later, I saw him bending over and on his ass was a bunch of permanent marker. BUSTED! He kind of came clean, but the timeline of his story and his lack of details make me think it’s worse than I know. He refuses to discuss it with me. Not to mention that when he came home at 4am, he had sex with me. I feel a little used.

Now, 4 months later, I’m still hurt by it and it eats at me that I have no idea what happened with 2 fully nude strippers in his friend’s house or why he would end up home at 4am instead of either a more reasonable time or the next morning. Seems fishy… not to mention he doesn’t even recall having sex with me when he got home.

I’m doing my best to let that go but now we have another friend’s wedding where he is a groomsman. Which means another bachelor party! So, my anxiety is at an all-time high. I’m almost leaning toward telling him if they get private strippers, I will be getting a private massage from at least 1 male therapist, and if they go to a strip club, not a big deal, I’ll stick to a reputable storefront for my massage! Is that unreasonable? Do I seem like an uptight wife? I’m just utterly grossed out by thinking about a nude girl or two rubbing on my man’s crotch! And I’d think he may get a little crazy thinking about a muscular stud rubbing me down with massage oils, so it seems fair, no? —Katherine

Dear Katherine,

I’ve talked about men and their visual proclivities before: namely, here, here, and here.

You’re holding onto this one night like a 7-year-old holding onto his blankie. Let it go, Linus.

I’m not positive I have anything new to say on the topic, so I’ll just do my best to dissect your email to me:

1. You’re married.

This means that you’ve had 2-3 years to date him. You know who he is. You either trust him or you don’t. I would be surprised if he proved to be a completely different human being after you got married.

2. He had a bachelor party with strippers, got hammered, and blacked out.

Certainly not his proudest moment. But is this a pattern with him? Or is it an anomaly — say, something that has never occurred before but only happened at his bachelor party?

If it’s a pattern, I don’t know why you married him. If it’s an anomaly, it’s probably something to write off.

3. He did not make you aware of these strippers.

And if he did, this all would have gone a lot better?

4. There was marker on his ass.

This is more embarrassment from the same bachelor party. It shouldn’t be an additional demerit. If anything, he’s probably ashamed of himself.

5. You feel used because you had sex with your husband.

Why? He’s your husband. Isn’t that what wives do with husbands?

Was it bad? Did you not get off? Or are you just sensitive to the fact that someone else worked him up and you were the one who got to benefit from it?

6. It’s 4 months later and you’re still thinking about it.

I can almost assure you that nothing has changed in 4 months. He’s the same guy he was before you married him. The same guy he was after you married him. You’re holding onto this one night like a 7-year-old holding onto his blankie. Let it go, Linus.

Most husbands don’t like to make their wives feel bad. Just as most husbands don’t like to be told what to do.

7. He came home at 4am instead of spending the night out.

Yeah, let me know when it’s a good plan for a man to not show up at home after his bachelor party.

8. Your response to the next bachelor party is to hire a male masseuse.

Um, okay. And he should worry about this because…?

Remember, you’re his wife. He trusts you. Why should he remotely care about who is massaging you? Unless you’re going to answer an erotic want ad in the back of your local paper, I’m pretty sure your plan to piss him off won’t do much, except illustrate one thing:

You’re jealous and you feel you’ve been wronged.

I can’t convince you of the latter. But I hope you can acknowledge the former.

If he didn’t cheat on you, there’s nothing to worry about, is there?

If he did cheat on you, then you married a man of poor character. Sorry.

But just because he had a drunken bachelor party doesn’t mean he cheated on you.

Thus, you have two choices: trust him and let this sordid night be filed away as a distant memory. Or keep up this worry, paranoia, jealousy, and tit-for-tat game and see where that leads you.

I think it’s obvious which choice I’m advocating.

Sure, you can put your foot down and forbid him from going to a bachelor party where there are strippers.

Just know that telling your husband what he’s allowed to do is rarely a winning strategy.

My advice for you is to let him know that you know you’re being a little thin-skinned but his bachelor party made you feel bad. All in all, you trust him. You love him. You are just sensitive about this kind of thing.

Then listen to his explanation.

Most husbands don’t like to make their wives feel bad. Just as most husbands don’t like to be told what to do.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Kathy

    Rose @ #20
       Thin skinned means “overly sensitive”.   I guess to you feelings… Dunno

  2. 22
    John

    The women on this thread who are so uptight about the strippers are being silly. When a bunch of drunk guys get together for a bachelor party, its fun to watch 2 women getting off on double ended dildos. Why? Because it is a sexual freak show. You only witness that a few times in your life. Yes, guys like that stuff once a decade. Get over it.
    And there is always one guy in the group who doesn’t attend the bachelor party and he is made fun of because we all know it was his wife/girlfriend that refused to let him go. And he let her dicate. Trust me, any guy that pulls a no show for his friend’s bachelor party is thought less of by his peers. So ladies if you are worried about him cheating, then screw his brains out before he goes out so there is nothing left in the tank. Otherwise, just keep your paranoia to yourselves.

  3. 23
    Reema

    @ Gia (#2) and Rose (#10): spot on, I agree with you guys 100%! You can still be an understing wife, without accepting the whole ‘boys will be boys’ crap.  
    And guess what, if we sit and trust, and wait without saying beforehand that something that he’s about to do will hurt us… He’ll do as he pleases and after will say ‘ops sorry sweety, I didn’t know this would bother you’. Iif you don’t ask / talk beforehand about something fishy, they’re not going out of their way to think about they’ll do , or talk to you about it. So I think I’d skip on the ‘sit around and trust’ if my boyfriend was about to go to a strip club, I’d actually be very honest about how that hurts me and how I don’t accept it. In the same way I won’t do anything that hurts him.

    1. 23.1
      Emma

      I agree; ‘boys will be boys’ is not some clause you can just throw in to let men treat their partners like their feelings don’t matter.

      My ex worked under the policy of ‘it’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission’ – even though I never specified that he needed to ask my permission to do anything, he already knew from previous relationships (and from it being totally obvious…) that certain behaviours would inevitably cause upset and he wanted to participate without feelings of guilt getting in the way from the start, then he would feign ignorance later and apologise.

      I didn’t understand how he could show such disregard for me, especially since  I am not someone who is particularly demanding  or ‘hypersensitive’ – which btw seems like a word used to dismiss the fact that you have hurt the person you are supposed to love.

      I would be hurt if my partner proposed marriage and then felt the need to celebrate our wedding by watching two women f*ck a dildo….

      The issue for me is nothing to do with trust or jealousy; it wouldn’t  occur to me that he would actually have sex with one of these strippers. I would however be incredibly upset that he could disrespect our relationship in such an unnecessary way, whilst using the very fact that we are getting married as an excuse. If some women are ok with this, that’s fine, it’s just not ok with me.

      I don’t think it’s being jealous, uptight, or ‘hypersensitive’ to not want a naked woman sticking her vagina in your fiances face.

      I would expect him to feel the same way if the roles (and genitals) were reversed.

      1. 23.1.1
        Karmic Equation

        Emma,

        Men aren’t women with penises. What men want and what women want are sometimes (maybe even oftentimes) diametrically opposed. Women want monogamy, men want variety. Women want conversation, men want peace. Men want the woman he fell in love with not to change because he accepted her completely the way she was. Women want the man she fell in love with to change to become  the man that she can accept completely.

        Boys WILL be boys. Unfortunately, sometimes what makes them boys will irritate the sh*t out of us women.

        You don’t have to LIKE anything that makes a boy a boy. But if you want a boy to love you like no other, accepting the fact that boys being boys will often irritate you and you may have to suck it up (occasionally or often, depending on your easy-goingness or lack thereof) to reduce conflict in your relationship, then you either do it or find another guy. Changing him is not an option that bodes well for your relationship.

        If you already know that your guy is the “beg forgiveness” type of guy, and you can’t tolerate that, then dump him and find a different guy.

        It doesn’t matter how much you love him, if him being him, irritates or hurts you.

  4. 24
    Rose

    John, I have no interest in any man who is more concerned about what his peers think than his relationship with his wife. Or who wants to get drunk with his mates and watch women in real life doing freaky sexual acts. Not someone I would personally want to   enter a committed relationship with. So I feel no need to get over anything. Or any men who calls women silly and uptight. Not really on my level, or what I want.
    Other women might be interested in ‘men’ like that and they would be a better match for each other. if they are truly   happy about that Not the type of man I would consider good husband material personally as I am only in interested happy loving relationships.
    So I don’t feel the need to get over anything TY.

  5. 25
    Cat

    @EMK 17…“I’ve yet to hear a compelling argument for how NOT trusting your fiance makes him feel closer to you.”
    I have yet to hear a compelling argument for how a man going to wild bachelor parties & then not discussing it makes his wife feel closer to him???  
    It’s supposed to go both ways. Men cannot expect trust/acceptance thru behavior that makes their spouse insecure. (Obviously that varies between women). Men want/need trust/acceptance. I get that. Women want/need security & to feel loved. When her fiancee went to the bachelor party that is not what his actions told her. It made her feel insecure – But now she is somehow supposed to make him feel closer to her by trusting him? Am I missing something??  

    1. 25.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Cat – Yes, you’re missing something.

      “Men cannot expect trust/acceptance thru behavior that makes their spouse insecure.” and “It made her feel insecure”.

      We’ve just zeroed in on the crux of this issue. Some women think that a man going to a bachelor party, occasionally viewing porn, talking to another woman at a party “makes you feel insecure”. I would suggest that such a woman already IS insecure, and such actions only bother to inflame her insecurities.

      Put another way, women who are NOT insecure will not react to the above situations and project their insecurities on their husbands. So the actions themselves don’t cause any problems.

      Most of the women here are blaming men for “making you feel” insecure. I would intimate that if you were truly secure, none of this would matter. It doesn’t with my wife. It doesn’t with my friends’ wives. And until you can find the confidence to realize that none of this means anything, you will continue to get frustrated at “where all the good men are”.

  6. 26
    Joe

    IMO Katherine’s problem is that she doesn’t trust her man enough to know that nothing happened between him and the strippers.   That means she didn’t get to know him well enough before getting hitched.   Buyer’s remorse, if you will.

  7. 27
    Michelle

    #25 John
    I agree with John.   It’s unfortunate so many women don’t understand men, want men to be just like women and are thin skinned.   You’re all in for a long life of frustration and irritation and a real chance of having another women interefere (one who treats him with respect and like a grown man capable of being trusted and making his own decisions)  if you don’t lean back, lighten up, TRUST,  and get yourself educated on how men think and operate.  

  8. 28
    Karmic Equation

    @Rose 27

    “John, I have no interest in any man who is more concerned about what his peers think than his relationship with his wife.”

    And few men, good or bad, would be interested in a woman who doesn’t care about what he wants too. A woman who thinks that what’s important to her trumps what’s important to him isn’t what most men are looking for.

    A discussion COULD have taken place before the party, but I think we’ve pretty much established that most men aren’t great communicators, and while you’re bludgeoning him with words or emotions about what’s important to you, he may not be able to communicate about his feelings about “peer pressure” and the like.

    As a woman, “being sensitive” is not only feeling YOUR OWN emotions but actually being able to feel HIS as well, and being “natural verbal” communicators, it behooves a woman to try to put HIS feelings into words in order to help him understand himself, which in turn gets him closer to understanding you. And that understanding creates the connection that makes a man love you, if love is your objective.

    What I’m sensing is that relationships are a one-way street with you. Your way of communicating or don’t communicate. Your ideas of what’s important trumps HIS ideas about what’s important. What you’re interested in in a man, not what HE’s interested in in a woman.

    If you’re having trouble finding a satisfactory relationship because men you do find interesting disappear on you or if you’re having trouble finding a satisfactory man, that would come as no surprise. Few men are satisfactory to you and you are probably unsatisfactory to most men. You can delude yourself that it’s your high standards that are preventing you from finding a man, but I would hazard a guess that your high standards are a pre-emptive strike against likely rejection.

    @Reema 26

    “In the same way I won’t do anything that hurts him.”

    Distrust hurts a man, especially one who is trustworthy. If you married a man you don’t trust completely, controlling him after the fact isn’t going to make him more trustworthy. So either you trust him or you don’t. If you don’t you shouldn’t have married him in the first place. If you do trust him, he’s not all of a sudden going to become an untrustworthy man because some woman is flashing her hoohaa at him. And since he isn’t the bachelor, odds are the hoohaas are being flashed at the guest of honor, not him.

    @John 25

    I find it interesting that women want “honest” men and when presented with an honest man’s honest response, she gets offended and tells you you are not worthy of her interest. My best friend, who happens to be a man and adores women, not a player, a truly good man acknowledges, “Yup, that’s the hypocrisy of women for you. I love ’em, but yeah, they’re like that. You just deal with it if you want a woman in your life.”

  9. 29
    Androgynous

    I guess strippers and batchelor parties come with the territory when you decide on a full blown wedding with all the trimmings. You should have just signed the marriage certificate at the registry and then gotten down to a simple/casual luncheon or dinner with family and close friends.
    To be honest, batchelor parties are just as commercial and contrived as big fat weddings are. To be honest, unless your husband is a teenager embarking on adult life for the first time, this celebration of the ending of adolescence and irresponsibility with final adolsecent behaviour and irresponsibility – is really quite unnecessary.
    Yeah – this tit for tat attitude is really going to strengthen your marriage !
    If you are going to react to childish behaviour with childish behaviour then like a marriage between two children, this is not going to end well.
    Act and behave like an adult and maybe your husband will take the cue from you. If not, congratulations you have married a child.

  10. 30
    John

    One last point to the ladies. I have been to my fair share of bachelor parties especially in my 30s when my friends got married. And none of the  attendees, including the groom,  hooked up with a stripper. Many of them are skanky and the ones that aren’t skanky usually have a bodyguard.  So its just a freak show and some male bonding and nothing more. The image that women have of what goes on at bachelor parties isn’t even remotely close. Trust me when I say that guys will grab more beers than boobs at those things.

  11. 31
    LC

    The problem with getting completely drunk and blacking in the vicinity of naked women/men is that you’re no longer in control over what you do or what happens to you.   This goes both ways for men and women.   I don’t know why anyone would want to get so drunk that they don’t remember what they do, and they risk losing the love of their life if they “consent” to a sexual act while heavily inebriated that they’d never do when they are sober.   It wreaks of irresponsibility and weakness.   No one’s wife or husband should have to tell them not to go to a bachelor/bachelorette party.   One’s own conscious, ability to do the right thing, and good judgement should keep them out of such situations.  

  12. 32
    starthrower68

    Right on John!   Get out there guys have more sex!

  13. 33
    JustMe

    StillLooking   #21..  
      
    ALL of those things would have bothered my ex.   Just because they wouldn’t bother you doesn’t mean they wouldn’t bother someone else.  
      
    @ John #25
      
    Peer Pressure, alive and well.   Don’t you think it is a possibility that there are some guys who don’t enjoy those events who only go because they know they will be ridiculed behind their  backs?  
      
    I also know if my ex didn’t want to attend some event (not a strip show – that he would have happily attended) with his buddies, he ususally made me the scape goat even though I would not have minded him going.   Actually, not once in our 18 year marriage did I tell him he couldn’t do something.  It was easier for him to say “my wife won’t let me” than to say “I don’t want to”.  
      
    Evan – sorry – I love you but I don’t like  the two ways of adressing it either.   I think there is a better way somewhere in the middle.  
      
    Everyone has a different level of comfort (see Still Looking @21).   Is someone really wrong for having a different standard than you?   That is what I am hearing – “Well, I would be ok with it so she should be as well”.  

  14. 34
    Rose

    Karmic equation, any man is entitled to choose to live their life any way they choose as am I and do. I am giving him exactly what he wants freedom of choice to do and live how ever he wishes. He chooses how he lives his life and what is more important and I do the same. My self respect feels more important to me than doing something that feels wrong for me. Simple really. I do not feel offended in the slightest, those are your projections what I feel is disinterest in being   involved in a committed relationship with and no attraction to any ‘man’ who wants to get drunk with their buddies watching two women who they have paid for to take their clothes off and do freaky sex acts. It’s not for me. What others choose to do and feel is right for them is up to them. Obvious to me though that to the woman who wrote in it is not right for her otherwise she wouldn’t be writing in. She would be perfectly happy about it, which logic tells us she isn’t. It’s up to her now to decide now and her alone how important it is to her as an individual. Her and her man have to both choose what is more important to them. I feel lucky that I have not had this problem.personally.
      

  15. 35
    Cat

    @EMK 37 – I completely agree 100% that insecure women tend to “feel” more insecure in this type of situation. But my point wasn’t about that (her insecurity). My point was more about the idea that men can do whatever they want, regardless of how it affects their woman & your advice is that “trusting your man makes him feel closer to you”. That may very well be true, BUT a man that is open & understanding & tries to help his woman feel secure (if she’s insecure) by certain behaviors (many different areas – not just dealing with strippers or bachelor parties) makes a woman feel much closer to him. It just goes both ways, that’s my point. I agree that she may (or may not) be insecure, my point was there are things men & women both can do to make their spouse “feel closer to them” & I don’t think “get over it” is gonna work in his favor for her to feel closer to him. As I don’t think her mistrusting him makes him feel closer to her.

    1. 35.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Cat – I don’t disagree that there are hundreds of ways that men can improve their relationships with women. But who is this blog for? Women. So when I give advice to women on how you can adjust (be cooler and more trusting), why do you always insist to remind me that it’s men’s job to change, too? It’s a pointless observation, since I’m a coach who tells women how to understand men, not vice versa. You see my point? It’s not that you’re wrong – it’s that you can take any piece of advice I offer and say, “But MEN–“. That doesn’t change my advice for women, which is to find a man you trust and TRUST him, not carry your insecurities around and make him pay the price.

  16. 36
    John

    Michelle @30 and Karmic Equation @31
      
    Thanks for the support and for restoring my faith that some women are cool with guys going to the occasional bachelor party. You are the type of women that their guy should take out to a fancy dinner the following Saturday for being such a good sport about giving up a Saturday date night so the guy could go out with his friends.
      
    Rose- you are the type of woman that would make the guy not even enjoy the outing with his buddies since he would have to deal with your crap once he got home. You are the ones that the friends would trash behind your man’s back. Wouldn’t be surprised if his friends make comments about you along the likes of “What does he see in her?”

  17. 37
    Rose

    LC 34

    “The problem with getting completely drunk and blacking in the vicinity of naked women/men is that you’re no longer in control over what you do or what happens to you.   This goes both ways for men and women.   I don’t know why anyone would want to get so drunk that they don’t remember what they do, and they risk losing the love of their life if they “consent” to a sexual act while heavily inebriated that they’d never do when they are sober.   It wreaks of irresponsibility and weakness.   No one’s wife or husband should have to tell them not to go to a bachelor/bachelorette party.   One’s own conscious, ability to do the right thing, and good judgement should keep them out of such situations. ”
    It feels best to me to make important choices from a fully conscious aware place   and the right match for me if they are compatible for me will be on the same page and want the same.

    1. 37.1
      Craig Gilbert

      God bless you Rose. Sometimes I hate my own gender. I would never set foot in a strip joint. I better than that and loyal to one woman. So was my father and enjoyed a wonderful 55 year marriage. Never settle ladies. There are good men out there

  18. 38
    Rose

    John.
    What makes you think I am bothered by your imaginary scenarios about me that do not exist in my reality? I feel amused how funny.

  19. 39
    Reema

    @ Karmic Equation (31)
      
    There’s a big difference between telling a guy that something he wants to do will hurt me, and controlling him. By no means I’m saying ‘you can’t go’, ‘you’re not going’. He’s a grown man and I’m not his boss; in the end of the day he can do as he wishes. All that I’m telling him is how I feel, why would that be seen as controlling?
    There are quite a few women out there who are ok with guys going to strip clubs. If I don’t tell my boyfriend/husband beforeahand that I’m not ok with it, he might assume that I am. And is not even about trust, it’s not even that I think he’ll sleep with any of those girls. It’s just the discomfort in my mind, the mental images of another woman exposing herself like that to my partner, or giing him a lap dance. I’m not sure if it’s my culture, where I’m from most women are not ok with that. So it has nothing to do with trust, it has to do with being honest about how I feel, and not pretending to be ok with something that hurts me. Not being able or comfortable to voice that would be a sad way to be in a relationship.

  20. 40
    Cat

    EMK 42 – Yea – I see your point. It’s just the woman in me seeing the sitch thru my womanly eyes..haha :)….And I don’t mean to say men need to change.   (But I think they need to put forth some effort) I know your blog is trying to help women understand men, and I think you do a great job!       
      

    1. 40.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Appreciated, Cat. But can you imagine how tiring it might be for me to have to justify every piece of advice for women with what MEN are supposed to do? And that’s pretty much what happens here. It’s not that most people are upset at my advice for women; you just want to remind me what men do wrong. In case I wasn’t aware of it, you know? Just a waste of everyone’s time and a distraction from the sound advice in the original post.

      1. 40.1.1
        Jess

        That’s why we admire you Evan! You are the only man that we can find who is willing to justify a man’s behavior in a positive and honest manner. It’s not that we want to remind you that men are wrong (well at least those of us who are not bitter anyway). It’s that we have thought about these same issues over and over and want to find a way to accept men for who they are but sometimes their actions make it hard. We don’t understand them and a lot of the solutions that you offer are spot on…but woman need that verification of WHY. Most of our men are either too scared to tell us the why part because of the poor reactions we woman tend to have or just don’t know how to tell us without hurting our feelings. For those woman out there who are extremely judgmental of men, they mess it up for the rest of us. A lot of us were raised by these women and our men too, so we are all getting mixed signals about what is right. Those of us who really do want to change our views need you to keep up the good fight!!! Don’t back down 🙂

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          Wasn’t sure if this was sarcasm, but I’ll assume you’re playing it straight. There is no “right”. There’s only what’s right for you. As long as you can find a man who plays by your rules, you’re all set.

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