My Husband Had a Stripper at His Bachelor Party and I’m Still Angry!

My Husband Had a Stripper at His Bachelor Party and I’m Still Angry!

I’ve been married for just over 3 months. Prior to marrying my husband, he had a bachelor party. His bachelor party consisted of the men partying and watching football, and then eventually retiring to his friend’s house for 2 full nude strippers in a show. My husband came home completely messed up at 4am.

The issue is that he did not make me aware of the strippers. Later, I saw him bending over and on his ass was a bunch of permanent marker. BUSTED! He kind of came clean, but the timeline of his story and his lack of details make me think it’s worse than I know. He refuses to discuss it with me. Not to mention that when he came home at 4am, he had sex with me. I feel a little used.

Now, 4 months later, I’m still hurt by it and it eats at me that I have no idea what happened with 2 fully nude strippers in his friend’s house or why he would end up home at 4am instead of either a more reasonable time or the next morning. Seems fishy… not to mention he doesn’t even recall having sex with me when he got home.

I’m doing my best to let that go but now we have another friend’s wedding where he is a groomsman. Which means another bachelor party! So, my anxiety is at an all-time high. I’m almost leaning toward telling him if they get private strippers, I will be getting a private massage from at least 1 male therapist, and if they go to a strip club, not a big deal, I’ll stick to a reputable storefront for my massage! Is that unreasonable? Do I seem like an uptight wife? I’m just utterly grossed out by thinking about a nude girl or two rubbing on my man’s crotch! And I’d think he may get a little crazy thinking about a muscular stud rubbing me down with massage oils, so it seems fair, no? –Katherine

Dear Katherine,

I’ve talked about men and their visual proclivities before: namely, here, here, and here.

You’re holding onto this one night like a 7-year-old holding onto his blankie. Let it go, Linus.

I’m not positive I have anything new to say on the topic, so I’ll just do my best to dissect your email to me:

1. You’re married.

This means that you’ve had 2-3 years to date him. You know who he is. You either trust him or you don’t. I would be surprised if he proved to be a completely different human being after you got married.

2. He had a bachelor party with strippers, got hammered, and blacked out.

Certainly not his proudest moment. But is this a pattern with him? Or is it an anomaly – say, something that has never occurred before but only happened at his bachelor party?

If it’s a pattern, I don’t know why you married him. If it’s an anomaly, it’s probably something to write off.

3. He did not make you aware of these strippers.

And if he did, this all would have gone a lot better?

4. There was marker on his ass.

This is more embarrassment from the same bachelor party. It shouldn’t be an additional demerit. If anything, he’s probably ashamed of himself.

5. You feel used because you had sex with your husband.

Why? He’s your husband. Isn’t that what wives do with husbands?

Was it bad? Did you not get off? Or are you just sensitive to the fact that someone else worked him up and you were the one who got to benefit from it?

6. It’s 4 months later and you’re still thinking about it.

I can almost assure you that nothing has changed in 4 months. He’s the same guy he was before you married him. The same guy he was after you married him. You’re holding onto this one night like a 7-year-old holding onto his blankie. Let it go, Linus.

Most husbands don’t like to make their wives feel bad. Just as most husbands don’t like to be told what to do.

7. He came home at 4am instead of spending the night out.

Yeah, let me know when it’s a good plan for a man to not show up at home after his bachelor party.

8. Your response to the next bachelor party is to hire a male masseuse.

Um, okay. And he should worry about this because…?

Remember, you’re his wife. He trusts you. Why should he remotely care about who is massaging you? Unless you’re going to answer an erotic want ad in the back of your local paper, I’m pretty sure your plan to piss him off won’t do much, except illustrate one thing:

You’re jealous and you feel you’ve been wronged.

I can’t convince you of the latter. But I hope you can acknowledge the former.

If he didn’t cheat on you, there’s nothing to worry about, is there?

If he did cheat on you, then you married a man of poor character. Sorry.

But just because he had a drunken bachelor party doesn’t mean he cheated on you.

Thus, you have two choices: trust him and let this sordid night be filed away as a distant memory. Or keep up this worry, paranoia, jealousy, and tit-for-tat game and see where that leads you.

I think it’s obvious which choice I’m advocating.

Sure, you can put your foot down and forbid him from going to a bachelor party where there are strippers.

Just know that telling your husband what he’s allowed to do is rarely a winning strategy.

My advice for you is to let him know that you know you’re being a little thin-skinned but his bachelor party made you feel bad. All in all, you trust him. You love him. You are just sensitive about this kind of thing.

Then listen to his explanation.

Most husbands don’t like to make their wives feel bad. Just as most husbands don’t like to be told what to do.

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  1. 61

    You know what…if being “the cool girl” means that I actively or passively participate in the sexual exploitation of women (or any type of exploitation of others for that matter), then I am proud to say, ” I am not a cool girl.”  🙂

    1. 61.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      You’ve nailed it, Cat5. You’re probably not a cool girl. And that’s okay. As long as you have no trouble finding a man that you can accept, in full. If you continually find that you’re with men who need to change to suit your sensitivities, you may discover that dating is hard. Dating is a lot easier when you don’t expect people to change for you.

  2. 62
    Karmic Equation

    Rose, let’s take the “sex” part out of the argument and you tell me if this makes sense to you and justifies a person being hurt by the action:

    If a woman feels sad that her partner wants to go to work every day to make enough money to pay the bills those are her real feelings that is how she feels. She tells him it hurts her that he has to leave her every day to spend at least 8 hours away from her and she can’t understand why he’s doing this. can’t he only work one day a week instead of five? Can’t he work only 4 hours a day instead of eight? She’s told him over and over again that his going to work hurts her. But he refuses to talk about it.

    This man is hurting her by going to work and leaving her alone; and he compounds the problem by refusing to talk to her about it. According to your philosophy, if a woman is saddened by these actions, that is enough to justify her being “hurt” enough to get him to stop going to work or maybe they need to go to couples counseling to fix this core value incompatibility. Only her perception of the situation counts, because she’s the one living her life.

    Doesn’t make sense when you take sex out of the argument, does it?

    That’s the OP’s problem. That’s your problem. That’s Reema’s problem. Admit you don’t like the sex part. Admit that the word “hurt” is a controlling word and is contextual…and shouldn’t be overused or misused in a relationship.

    If you truly love a man and trust him, and are not trying to change him or control him, hurt is a word that should be used sparingly and in the right context.

  3. 63

    Oh Evan…your comment was so unnecessary. Particularly given the fact that you have no idea what I expect/accept in a man, whether I find dating hard, or whether I am cool or not.
    It’s a sad commentary on the state of our society/world that being a good and caring person, who volunteers time to helps others (male or female, adult or child) find a way out of exploitive, violent, and desperate situations, and is working to change the systemic issues that result in the exploitation of others — rather than actively or passively sitting around participating in said exploitation — makes that person wrong, and in your opinion — undatable — because he/she has too high of standards.  What a messed up world that is.
    So here’s a hypothetical — George Clooney lobbies extensively for peace in the Sudan to protect the Sudanese people from rape and murder, and all manner of horrible things.  George Clooney starts dating someone (yes I know he’s with Stacey Kiebler but it’s a hypothetical) who has no problem with what’s happening in the Sudan because she is a major shareholder in the an oil company operating there, and the money is pouring into her account because oil stocks just keep rising so she wants to just maintain the status quo rather than do anything to help the Sudanese people.  Does that mean if he discusses with her the reasons her behaviors are wrong to him and based on his standards, and tells her that she has to sell her oil stock or they can’t be together — that he is a prude, unaccepting of women and their needs, has too high of standards, will have difficult time dating, and uncool?

  4. 64

    @Cat5 I am a bit perplexed as well. One would argue you should find a partner suited for you. If not all men enjoy going to strippers (and the secrets out, some of them don’t) and if you are a woman who would feel betrayed if her partner went to one. Wouldn’t it be ideal for a gal to know if that’s a deal breaker? Let’s take the “cool” part out. Cool is a completely subjective word and what one person thinks is cool another does not. When I asked how you should approach this BEFORE it happens I was told it makes me insecure. My father, whose been married to my mother for 35 years always taught my brother and I “married men don’t get to strip clubs, that is disrespectful to their wife. When my friends invite me to strips clubs I tell them I am married and I feel sad for them.” So if I am a victim of being daughter to an incredibly devoted and trustworthy husband and desire the same I am insecure?
    For right now, I am not worried. I have a boyfriend who feels the same way my father does and he offered the info up on his own accord. There are men like that out there to match women who don’t care for their partners going to strip clubs. I would just like a thoughtful suggestion on how to ask BEFORE you ever get to the point of a bachelor party.

  5. 65
    Karmic Equation

    @Cat5 71
    No. But if he tells her she’s “hurting” him by being so insensitive to what he values? I think we would both think he’s a wimp for using the word “hurt” in this context. I don’t think he would be perceived as hot as he is if that were known.

  6. 66

    Julia @ 72
    I feel I should point out that the demise of my 15-year marriage with my ex-husband (who is still one of my best friends), and the recent break-up of my 3-year relationship with my ex-boyfriend, had absolutely nothing to do with pornography or exploitation of others (sexually or otherwise). Yes, they went to strip clubs occasionally for bachelor parties and sometimes when entertaining business colleagues. And yes…they both knew how I felt about it.
    Most importantly though, they both know of the work that I do, and they both respect it enormously and that I don’t pussyfoot around about my feelings on the subject of abuse, neglect, violence, and sexual exploitation. In fact, both of them have helped at fundraisers for the various organizations I work and volunteer with…and even came to see the situation differently after having spent some time doing so. In fact, my ex-husband has commented that porn and strippers was forever ruined for him now.
    You know what Burke said: “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”
    Another apt quote: “There are truly none so blind as those who refuse to see.”

  7. 67

    Julia:  I would just like a thoughtful suggestion on how to ask BEFORE you ever get to the point of a bachelor party.
    How about bringing up you read a blog where the topic is being debated? Ask your guy what he thinks. Discuss from there.

  8. 68

    I don’t think going to strip clubs by itself is troublesome behavior.  I’ve come to realize that it’s the equivalent in function to a bowl of Ben & Jerry’s.  It’s a dose of pure pleasure that keeps you feeling OK with life– wholesomeness be damned.  Others may disagree, but I won’t argue that a brief indulgence is fine and good for mental health every once in a while.
    But if that bowl of Ben & Jerry’s were scarfed down weekly instead of being a once-in-a-while treat, that would be a bit different, I agree.  Or if that bowl of ice cream were sought after impulsively without care as to the appropriate time or place.  In this case, the dose of pleasure is acting more as an emotional crutch, and is a clear SYMPTOM of ill-managed issues and/or stress, IMO.  THAT kind of intemperance is what I think is worth paying attention to in the men they date, not necessarily whether or not he engages in pre-approved activities.
    With this analogy, I can imagine the other side as if I had a boyfriend who guilted and judged me for a once-in-a-blue-moon peck of ice cream, saying that it’s bad for my health and will turn me into Shamu, despite the fact that he knows I exercise every other day.  I would think he was even more ridiculous if he vowed to have his revenge by going apecrap at a Chinese buffet if I dared have another taste of Chunky Monkey.
    My boyfriend liked strip clubs as a bachelor and he did not keep that a secret.  I was skeptical if only because most men I had dated who liked such things were BAD at managing it as a diversion as opposed to a shameful obsession, much like how EMK’s then-girlfriend had experienced.  Like, it was obvious the guy had issues, and it wasn’t the strip clubs.  Dumpville, ahoy.

  9. 69

    @ Karmic Equation (61)

    Oh wow, you’re so witty! I admire you SO much for that. You’re set for life now.

    Btw, I’d still use the word ‘hurt’.


  10. 70

    I agree with Fusee on this one – I just can’t understand how a couple can get to the point of being married without understanding and appreciating the other’s values and sensitivities. When I meet a woman for the first time I make it my business to suss her out and figure out her values as quickly as possible for my own agenda. Within less than an hour of speaking to any particular woman I will have identified where she is on the political spectrum, whether she’s religious / atheist / agnostic, whether she’s easy-going or judgemental, thick or thin-skinned, opinionated or indifferent etc. I use these cues and indicators to hazard a guess at where she lies on the sexual spectrum without having to ask her outright. As Fusee said women should be using the dating period to similarly analyse their man. Knowing these values should help predict how the other will act in situations like this before the event.
    However, it’s a bit late for that now so I guess the only thing they can do is both move their positions as close to a compromise as possible.
    I’m personally not really into strippers, but I’m even less into women who have a problem with men who do like them, so I wouldn’t date women with these values thus avoiding the op’s problem.
    I also agree with John that these parties are more about male camaraderie than actual titillation. I’ve never known a man to actually get aroused at a bachelor party strip show, so I think some of the female readers here can take solace from that.
    Cat5 #71
    I respect your values and the efforts you make to improve the lives of others but I think Evan’s assertion that these values will result in a smaller pool of men to choose from is a valid point. That’s not necessarily a problem though because you only need one.

    “So here’s a hypothetical…George Clooney starts dating someone…Does that mean if he discusses with her the reasons the behaviours are wrong to him and based on his standards, and tells her that she has to sell her oil stock or they can’t be together that he is a prude, unaccepting of women…will have difficult time dating, and uncool”
    The problem I have with this analogy is your suggestion that he should even discuss with his hypothetical girlfriend why her behavior is wrong to him, and how she should change for the relationship to succeed. This discussion shouldn’t even happen – he should identify her beliefs and then unilaterally make a decision to accept her or move on. Why would you bother even trying to change someone else’s beliefs when there are others out there with matching beliefs? This doesn’t necessarily make you a prude or uncool, just not a match.

  11. 71

    I agree with the poster below. However, (1)Some men may go to bucks parties with strippers (knowing  in their heart that they should not support an industry which objectified and demeans women) because they are too weak to go against the peer group for fear of being accused of being pussy whipped and (2) some men may go to strippers because they lack social skills, cant get to see a naked live woman without paying to do so and (3) some may simply see nothing wrong with stripping AND THAT WOULD BE A MAJOR PROBLEM FOR ME AND IT INDICATES LACKS OF EMPATHY FOR THE WOMEN INVOLVED IN THE SEX INDUSTRY.
    Ladies if your man says he has used prostitutes or gone to strip bars and sees nothing wrong with it and expresses no remorse or concern for the women involved he LACKS EMPATHY. If he lacks empathy for them watchout as that lack of empathy may flow to you
    This women is not thin skinned. She justifiably put off by her husbands inappropriate behavior. Watching fully naked women engage in a sexual display for entertainment is a show of disrespect to your marital commitment. It’s also exploitation of another human being. I’m so sick of this boys will be boys justification for objectifying and exploiting women and betraying your wife. This isn’t an issue of jealousy. It’s an issue of respect. Why is watching two 18 year old girls (who are probably runaways from abusive homes) use a two way dildo so important? It’s wrong in every way. Why is it worth causing your wife so much distress? Why is the bachelor party so sacred? Why is taking advantage of a desperate persons vulnerability justifiable if it serves the male “visual proclivity”? It’s wrong. Men are not entitled to this because they’re men and “that’s how men are” so it must be accepted and allowed. Treating your wife this way is wrong. Taking advantage of some young girl just because she’s willing to put herself through this is wrong. There’s no justifying it. A decent man would not enable the choice of a misguided young women to put herself in a position that will cause further damage to her self esteem. A decent man would recognize that just because someone is willing to harm them self doesn’t mean that it’s okay to exploit that as an opportunity to take advantage of them. Evan you should be the one to “grow up” and “let go”. This is a contentious issue for most couples on the eve of their wedding. Accepting this bull shit is forced on women under the assertion that men are entitled to this. We don’t have to accept this. If it’s important enough to you to cause your wife severe upset, then you shouldn’t be getting married.

  12. 72

    Just a disclaimer that post #79 did not come from this “Cat”…EMK can verify. Guess I have to change my user name! Was that a Cat5 post?

  13. 73

    The OP wrote:
    “The issue is that he did not make me aware of the strippers. Later, I saw him bending over and on his ass was a bunch of permanent marker.”
    What stands out for me is this post are these two sentences. I think her husband should have told her about the strippers. Also, is it common for a guy to drop trou at a private party, exposing his nether regions, and have his ass scribbled on, by whom, the strippers? It sounds like it wasn’t just the strippers who were exposed. The guy didn’t just go to a strip club where he couldn’t expose himself, lest he be thrown out, he was at a private party. I also wouldn’t be thrilled that my husband got so smashed that he couldn’t remember what happened that night, the next day. How does any of that build trust?
    Some women – and men – might have no problem with this activity, but some would. It’s not right or wrong to have opinions and preferences about these things. Personally, I don’t think that the OP needs to consult a dating coach (she’s already married), but she needs to talk to her husband about how she feels. If you’re not certain what goes on at a bachelor party, ask. If something bothers you, SPEAK UP!

  14. 74
    Sparkling Emerald

    I have mixed feelings on the whole “sex-ploitation” thing.  Certainly many women who end up with a pole for a dance partner were manipulated into such a course.  Perhaps ran away from an abusive home, turned to survival sex, and found a “friend” who “helped” by making her a fake ID saying she was 18, so she could get into the business.
    But not every stripper has such a sad story.  Some women are proud of their bodies, enjoy performing, perhaps even studied dance, and ENJOY what they do.
    Trouble is, how do you tell which women are being exploited and which women made a complete free-will decision and enjoy what they do ?  Answer, you can’t.
    And in a strip club, where there are big beefy bouncers to insure that men look but don’t touch, these dancers can shake their booty right in someone’s face, and if he’s liquored up enough, she might even end up with half his paycheck in her garter, and he didn’t even get to touch her.  And I’m sure there’s a strict “no refunds” policy at most clubs.  Maybe she enjoys getting paid to be a tease (hence the term “stripTEASE”) and having a squad of big beefy males around to  protect her from a rowdy customer.  So who’s exploiting who in that situation ?
    I had no problem with my hubby’s bachelor party, which included  him being handcuffed and “arrested” by a lady cop/stripper.  He even gave me the pics, and they are in the very back of my wedding scrap book, right behind the pics of my bridal shower and rehearsal dinner.  BOY, did I get an earful from some other women about how could I “let” him do that, blah, blah, blah.  (Judging from the pics, it was pretty tame, after all he was handcuffed, couldn’t do much more than look now, could he ? )
    I have a problem with the diamond industry, and now that I know about blood diamonds, I will never purchase or wear a piece of jewelry with diamonds. If I ever get engaged again, it WON’T be with a diamond.   Trouble is not ALL diamonds are blood diamonds but apparently, you can never know for sure which diamonds are, and which aren’t.  Just like with the strippers, how do you know which ones are being exploited and which ones are willing participants ?
    Which is why I don’t lecture my engaged girlfriends about “blood diamonds” nor would I lecture my guy or any other guy about the sex-ploitation of strippers.
    The OP obviously has a problem with it,  and I hope she can make peace with it somehow.  Weather it’s by completely accepting it, walking away,  or living with it, with a lump in her throat.  I think many women eventually learn to swallow some minor pain in a relationship.  Doesn’t make them manipulative if they say they were “hurt”, just that the hurt wasn’t enough to throw away the relationship, but was more than just an annoyance.

  15. 75

    Another option that I didn’t see mentioned is to get your marriage annulled.  It might be embarrassing, but it beats the alternative of wasting your precious fertile years with someone you don’t trust.  If this doesn’t improve with the stripper situation for the next bachelor party, it won’t get better over time.  Sounds sad, but you could get out now before there is major emotional damage (and possibly children) later on.

  16. 76

    I agree with Sparking Emerald, kind of torn on the exploitation argument. I think some women strip as a choice & don’t care if they are exploited, they are laughing all the way to the bank. With my history, my problem would not be my husband going to a bachelor party, it would be the unwillingness to discuss it if I asked. That is just all based on our history, so maybe that is where the OP is coming from. Like Evan’s wife (then g.f.) posted some years ago about being okay with Evan going to a strip club vs her ex boyfriend going to the strip club. She didn’t like the ex going because she didn’t trust him & he lied to her, so she would ask more questions which made him lie more & it became a vicious cycle.  So her questions didn’t make him lie, his lies actually made her question. And that has also been addressed in another blog about how men lie because women ask too much but I think it goes both ways. As Evan’s wife illustrated. My point is, the OP letting it go & not asking any more about it will not help her in the long run, it will fester more distrust in the future & more questions later. I know because that’s how I lived for years! Unfortunately like the OP I am already married to the man. And like me, if she were reading Evan’s blog before she married him, she might not still be with him. Don’t stay with men you don’t trust ladies! Evan’s golden rule!

  17. 77

    @ Sparkling Emerald #82:
    Not all diamonds are blood diamonds, but all diamonds are the product of a cartel–DeBeers.

  18. 78

    Try to evaluate your husband’s needs. Try to extract his thoughts about stripping. Estimate a rough guess that rather than having direct sex, does he want you to strip first and for some reason not asking you to do that. It would be good if you can hold up an open conversation with him over the stripping issue. 

  19. 79

    I also wanted to say as to how people should or should not feel about strippers that’s a personal issue and we can’t tell people how to’ feel’ about it or to be ‘cool’ about it. While there may be some women who genuinely enjoy stripping I do agree with the one lady who mentioned that there can be an exploitative aspect to it. I agree with her because the half dozen or so females that I have known who stripped at one time or another all came from either abusive family backgrounds or had heavy drug addictions. I even have a male friend of mine who takes his business clients to strip clubs at their request say the same thing. The majority of women who are stripping have either been abused or are drug addicted or are trying to pay the high cost of college in doing it. They aren’t doing it by choice. many women actually enjoy dancing around naked for every man out there instead of for their one special man.. That is just a fact. So people have their individual reasons for how they feel about it and it doesn’t make them cool or uncool. I consider myself to be very accepting of men’s visual interest in the female form as long as they are respectful to their partner about it and I fully recognize that the visual interest in nudity has nothing to do with how much they love their partner. But again, we can’t tell people how they should feel about a stripper right in front of their loved one..up close..whether its male or female.All else aside, the heart of the issue here is the lady’s partner failing to discuss or mention the fact that there would be strippers at the bachelor party. That Mr. Katz is the issue you haven’t addressed. And I think your response to her is negating her feelings. Her partner not telling her about this until after the fact has created a trust issue for her. I can relate this incident to one in my own life where my ‘male’ partner got upset over something I did not tell him about BEFOREHAND and that incident in my own life was nothing near as potentially upsetting as strippers could be. That was my responsibility to clear the matter up for him..not his responsibility to just ‘let it go’. Off course she is still having nagging doubting feelings about as it hasn’t been properly dealt with. Men are every bit as susceptible to a nagging doubt or trust question when things aren’t disclosed beforehand and for sure my partner would be highly upset if I had a bachelorette with male strippers fully naked in close proximity to me especially if I did not tell him! In fact he would go ballistic. So this is not a male or female’s about respecting the friendship aspect of a relationship and avoiding ‘omissions’ which an lead to trust issues.

  20. 80

    Lets be honest here…we are ALL of us susceptible to sexual jealousy..whatever you want to call it. When I ay ALL I mean men too. I have a partner who has been cheated in his past by more than one female and as a result he can be like a rabid dog sometimes in a slightly valid but also slightly irrational fear of some other male enticing me. I say irrational because my moral code is such that I don’t care if the most handsome man in the world tried to seduce me it just wouldn’t happen. My devotion and love and bond to my partner is such that nobody could make me stray. And it goes even beyond moral code..I respect and value the gift from life  of my partner’s love..why would I blow it to do something sexually with someone else, whether caught or not I would know it…which leads me to another point..because the man had at some point his pants down and doesn’t remember what happened..who knows in the lady’s mind whether he means that or whether it is a convenient way of not talking about about it if something did happen and he does know it. When an incident such as this stripping thing without the lady and her partner talking about it first occurred followed by the man not remembering anything then NO DOUBT right now the dear lady has been asking questions..questioning who her husband is. I disagree Mr. Katz with the comment about she knows him after 2-3 years together. Sometimes a person’s true moral character is not known until many years later because they kept it hidden well..shouldn’t be that way but people and what they might do in any situation can surprise us or come as a great shock. That is the issue..that is what she has right now. Did he ‘blank’ the stripper or come close in some way..something sexually inappropriate. That is what she is worrying about as he did not tell her beforehand. BTW I appreciate you giving everyone a voice on these questions. All it takes is one tiny seed of doubt for trust to be compromised and that has a ripple effect in a marriage..comes out in other ways. I also fully understand the point about men do not want to be badgered accused or attacked verbally and that things have to be handled a cerain way..but I am sorry, her husband needs to man up and take responsibility for the fact that his lack of disclosure created this issue for the bride and they need to have a real converseation about much as he may not like that. The alternative is to have the bride wondering and that affecting the relationship which ultimately if the trust issue is not resolved will affect the love she is able to give him. Now she can approach him in a certain way..yes..agreed..but they need to get to the bottom of it period whether it is uncomfortable for him or not is what it is..she needs to know whether or not the man she gave herself too in the ultimate commitment..marriage is worthy of her trust or not and has moral boundaries that he won’t cross or not…it’s not about finding the stripping arousing..that is natural..its about how much further it went or did not and why did he hide it from her ?

  21. 81

    Evan’s then girlfriend pretty much summed it up. However, there are guys out there that couldn’t possibly imagine being around strippers ever. Maybe you can find one of those very very few men. But wait, will they have all the other qualities you deem important? Or will the only thing you have in common is your conservative views on strippers?
    My suggestion is simple… Get over it. If you trust him then you trust him. If you don’t you don’t. If you don’t that seems to be the bigger issue here. 
    If your response to that is I do trust him wholeheartedly but it still makes me too uncomfortable… Then talk with him calmly and openly and if he is the man you think you married, I’m sure you can compromise and come up with a happy medium. But remember compromise is two sided, you may have to give a little as well.

  22. 82

    There’s a lot of pressue to be ‘cool’ with our bf’s and fiances going to strip clubs.  I have never been to one myself but is it too idealistic of me to wish that my man keep his sexual ogling for my pleasure only?  I understand that he may build up his desire throughout his day,  glacing at other girls etc. but would it be so difficult to find a man who respects my wishes and not go to a strip club nowadays? To not have a near naked woman gyrate in front of him?
    Or has society evolved to such a point where if a man doesn’t go during someone’s (or his own’s) bachelor party, then he’s not a good buddy or a ‘ real hot-blooded man’?  
    And if I make a request, then I am not a ‘cool girl’ although it goes against every fiber of my being?
    What a conundrum for modern North American men and women!

  23. 83

    Haha…I just started writing a response to GreatGal #90 when I re-read Brittany #89 and realized she’d already covered most of what I was going to say!
    Well done, Brittany!

  24. 84

    Evan your blog is a HUGE SOURCE of WISDOM!!  
    Last weekend my boyfriend was telling me about his business trips in the US he went on in his 20’s/30’s and he said he went to strip clubs with his male colleagues several times. Apart from the pure erotic view of naked women, he admitted he also liked feeling the utterly american atmosphere of these clubs (we are European).
    While he told me this whole story in extreme comfort, I was kind of SHOCKED (I was raised in a Cathloic environment) tried to hide my feelings and started to think how miserable I was being with this guy, how far I was from being with a man of value etc…etc….
    Then, I thought: what does Evan think about this whole topic (I reminded similar old blog posts about it) and searched for them in the blog on my smart-phone (while I was at my boyfriend’s place), and here we are … I found this new post, re-read the older ones and FELT MUCH MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE and curious to listen to his stories in a really OPEN and non-judgemental way.
    And there it was, a story that could have turned out into a tragegy, just became a nice old story whcih helped me in better understanding my bf.
    And I appreciated the fact that he felt absolutely comfortable in telling me everything!

  25. 85

    I would think that him having sex when he got home would be a good sign because it means he probably didn’t have sex at his bachelors

  26. 86
    Karmic Equation

    I think a lot of you are getting it wrong about what being “cool” means. Being cool doesn’t mean that you don’t “feel” any pain, annoyance, anger, fear. It doesn’t mean you “don’t mind” the behavior. Being cool means you understand the difference between a to-may-to / to-mah-to situation and a truly unacceptable situation and can act and react accordingly. Being cool is about how you ACT when you feel those things and how you CONVEY those feelings to your significant other.

    If OP were cool, she should have said “Look, I don’t want you to go to the bachelor party next month, because I don’t trust what goes on there. I don’t trust that you’re going to keep your pants on. The last time you went to one, you came home with marks on your ass, which means you dropped trou. Maybe it was innocent, but you can’t remember or won’t tell me, so I can only assume the worst. You’re a grown man so I can’t stop you from going if you want to go. But if you come home in that state again, our relationship is in trouble.”

    State the problem. State the consequences. Leave the “you’re hurting me, you don’t respect me, why are you doing this, I thought you loved me, yada yada” out of it. That’s how you act coolly, without being a doormat.

    Real story:
    About a year after my 6yr ex moved in together, I added him to my cell phone plan for economy. I never checked his call log onine, until one day I got a text from him that was obviously not intended for me. I went postal and demanded an explanation. He was flirting with an obese co-worker to make her feel better as she had helped him with a difficult situation at work. I never asked to see pictures of her or anything because I remembered him talking about her before and had mentioned her being big. However, I still made him call the woman he was texting so I could talk to her. She was apologetic and matter of fact. I believed them both and let it go.

    After that incident, I would periodically check his call logs. Everything was normal. He texted her maybe once or twice after that, but not in a series. But I continued the periodic checking of the call logs…and one day, about a year after that, while he was home sick (he had been sick for a few days) — I noticed he made several calls to 800 numbers in a row. So I reverse-looked them up. They were to escort services. I decided to go home for lunch, and usually if he’s sick I’d call him to ask what he wanted and picked up lunch for both of us on the way home. This time, I just went home without calling him. I had my suspicions and wanted to catch him in the act, if he was doing what I thought he was doing.

    I came home and was quiet. Usually I’m happy and chipper, so he knew something was up. I ate my lunch in silence while he watched TV, laying down on the sofa. When I finished lunch I pulled up an ottoman sat down face level and asked “What’s up with calling the escort services?” He explained. It was a crazy explanation that actually made a modicum of sense…He couldn’t afford to call a 900-number, so he called the escort services to describe the sex acts he wanted…and they would talk to him for a bit until they realized he wasn’t going to be a client and then hung up on him. He did this with several escort services. When he was done explaining, I looked him in the eye, tears brimming, because it hurt that he would even do such a thing, and said quietly, “I believe you. But don’t ever do that again.” Then I went back to work. 20 minutes later, he called me to apologize profusely, tearily. I said, “I know. Don’t do it again and we’ll be fine.” Then I let it go because I believed him.

    I can tell you I didn’t feel cool in either of the situations above. I was more interested in making sure that neither situation happened again than to roast him over the fire for hurting me. He knew he hurt me, I didn’t have to cry or lecture him on that. And my forgiving him his stupidity pretty much ensured he stopped being that same kind…or similar kind…of stupid ever again. Except for the alcoholism…which ran in his family, which he refused to address. I could forgive his alcoholism, but I couldn’t forgive his unwillingness to seek help. That’s when I said “next.”

  27. 87

    @Elena #87
    “The majority of women who are stripping have either been abused or are drug addicted or are trying to pay the high cost of college in doing it. They aren’t doing it by choice.”
    Show us some facts, Elena – otherwise this is all hearsay.
    Also the logic in that statement is flawed – nothing you said supports the claim that they aren’t doing it by choice, least of all that some are paying for tuition by stripping. That seems to me like a VERY conscious and intentional choice.
    What I’ve noticed in this dialogue (and I find disheartening) is how much some women here are using the same tactic as the OP to paint men as lacking ethics for going to strip clubs, and use that to curtail real dialog about the trust issue in relationships.
    Some have repeatedly made unsupported claims about stripping, and used those claims to try and shame men for going to strip clubs – essentially saying they’re to blame for any women who are abused…without even proving women are being abused. 
    A very “victim-ey” approach, and one that most men can quickly recognize and steer clear of.
    So please, stop with the shaming tactics, it was old when I was 15 – men have become pretty much immune to it – we just leave you. Listen to smart women like Karmic – someone who doesn’t blame men for everything.

  28. 88

    JoeK @ 95:
    The attached link contains facts and statistics regarding sex trafficking in the United States, including: Fake Massage Businesses, Internet Based*, Residential Brothels, Hostess & Strips Clubs, Escort Services, and Truck Stops.

    *pornography is included under this subheading.
    A few more facts and statistics: (I was looking for the presentation I was at recently but it is not posted yet so this is from my notes – when the presentation is posted, I will try to remember to come back and post the link):
    #4 destination in the world for sex tourism — Atlanta, GA, USA
    #1 event for trafficking in commercial sex — The Superbowl
    Avg. age of individuals sex trafficked in Europe — 19
    Avg. age of individuals sex trafficked in the U.S. — 13
    Avg life expectency of an individual being trafficked for sex – 7 years
    #1 cause of death of individuals trafficked for sex — suicide
    #2 cause of death of individuals trafficked for sex – homocide
    So a likely outcome for an individual (usually female) being trafficked for sex in the U.S is to commit suicide by the age of 20.

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