(Video) The Secret To Successful Relationships (According to Grandma)

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I’ve often said that I didn’t get smarter when I got married; I got married when I got smart. Nothing illustrates this more clearly than this short video.

The very qualities we spend our whole lives chasing: in my case, younger, East Coast, Jewish, financially successful, intellectual types – are not always the best long term fit. In our quest to find opposite sex clones, we often ignore what’s most important: the partner who loves you unconditionally.

Your thoughts, as always, are appreciated.

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Heather

    Sayanta,

    Pardon my saying so, but Moxie is a bitch-and-a-half. She didn’t ban me either, per se, but she was clearly frustrated and angry at the things I had to say. She kept dredging up this ‘question’ I posed to her, like 2 years before, and throwing it in my face every time I said anything on any of her posts. For some reason it was VERY controversial for me to state that most men don’t do it for me. She called me some names, and when I realized I was getting nowhere but more upset I stopped reading her blog altogether. Why feed that energy?

    Seriously, if anyone here wants to feel suicidal about being single, just read Moxie’s blog! There’s no hope going on there and a whole lot of nastiness.

  2. 42
    sayanta

    Heather! OMG- the same thing happened to me!!! Wow…seriously, we really do lead parallel lives! Yeah- um wouldn’t you think a blogger would want to be decent to people if they wanted posters to keep coming back? i don’t know…

    well- this is the thing, it’s not that she started out that way- it’s when someone disagrees with her ‘assessments’ that things go haywire. That’s why I keep saying, I prefer to keep coming back here- at least if there’s disagreement, you don’t suddenly feel like you’re going to be mauled by online tigers.

  3. 43
    Angelika

    Heather,

    I’m sorry you feel so down right now. And I really feel for you because I, too, once thought that I needed a man to fill my life with happiness, to make me feel beautiful and more confident, etc. I used to feel down whenever I was alone, I really wanted to find love, I even moved to another country for a while looking for love.

    I do agree with Anette C: you shouldn’t give up hope of one day finding someone who is perfect for you, even if you have to wait until you’re 60; however, it also sounds like you shouldn’t be in a relationship right now because you first need to get out of your depression, work on gaining more self-confidence and on being happy.

    Ultimately, only you can make yourself happy, so you should focus on that. And when you feel happy and confident (qualities that both men and women find attractive), you can open yourself to sharing your life with someone.

    I also think that it would be unfair to the other person to bring all these issues, especially the depression, into a relationship. Would you want to date someone who was depressed? I once dated a guy who was depressed, and finally I couldn’t take it anymore because I was tired of trying to get him to feel better all the time and I would start to feel down myself.

    Everyone’s got their own path to happiness, as for me, I decided that I would work on being the best person that I can be so when I do meet my special someone, I’ll be bringing the best of me into our relationship.

    So, I stopped dating for a while; I went to therapists; I read relationship books; I leaned on my friends and family and talked their ears off; it would have been great to have a blog like this to vent and get advice; I spent a lot of time by myself thinking, reading, doing things that I liked until I learned to be comfortable being by myself and happy with myself. And then I started dating again, but being a lot more selective.

    A quote I recently read: “Strive to become like the man you always wanted to marry.” Or, put another way, it’s only fair that you possess the same qualities that are on your list of qualities to have in a partner. I bet you don’t have depression on that list. So, while you’re striving to become the best you can be, remember what Jennifer (#33) said, if you exist, someone like you exists out there, and I hope you find him one day soon!

  4. 44
    Heather

    Angelika,

    I appreciate what you are saying, but depression is not something you can just cast off like a bad habit. I’ve been doing therapy, reading books, blogging, soul-searching, talking to friends, etc. for two+ years now. I have refrained from dating, simply because it seems to be an activity I don’t get much of an opportunity to take part in.

    I will be the first to admit I’m not perfect, but I am nothing like the women featured in psycho-ex-girlfriend stories I hear all the time. I take offense to the notion that people who suffer from depression don’t *deserve* to be loved, because that trait doesn’t make it onto people’s wish lists for mates. It’s like you just condemned me to love’s trash heap!

    I am not looking for a man to bolster my confidence or make me complete, I’ve gotten over that. I lament that life is passing me by. I am regretful that this wonderful body I live in is going to waste. I am sad that I can’t reach out and touch the face of someone I truly love and look into his eyes and smile. I am afraid I will be old one day and looking back with the same regret when my body is no longer a source of pleasure and my time is up.

    I’ve knocked myself out in life. I’m successful, I’m pleasant, I’m intelligent, I’m attractive, I didn’t do drugs or even drink for most of my life. My credit is perfect. Now I find out that none of that is good enough? Wouldn’t you be depressed too if you sacrificed and suffered all those years for … nothing? It’s like I spent my life scaling a mountain reaching for some prize at the top and when I finally got up there it turned out it was some dirty trick and there wasn’t anything there at all.

    I’m 37. I’m old enough to have paid my dues and I’m not asking for the moon on a silver platter. I’m not content that my life should be devoid of a meaningful and close relationship with a man, because that is something I’ve always wanted. I’m tired of people telling me there’s something wrong with me for wanting that. Is there something wrong with all the coupled people out there for also wanting that?

    I know I am worthy of love, I just can’t find the right person. I don’t know if there’s anything anyone can do for me, or why I even go on and on about this stuff. I guess I wonder why so many other people don’t have as much trouble with this as I do. I may have finally gotten to the tipping point where I don’t want to hear about it anymore.

  5. 45
    Joe

    Heather, there’s a difference between wanting something and needing something. Would I like a million bucks in my bank account? Sure, but I don’t have a psychological need for a million bucks in my account. The fact that I only have a few thousand in it doesn’t make me unhappy.

  6. 46
    Shay

    Heather, I feel exactly the same way as you and I am exactly in your situation! I’m 2 weeks away to being 30 and I feel like my life is flying by me without someone to share it with.

    What I told myself is that, no…I don’t NEED to be able to find that special someone or to get married eventually. I think I should be able to survive without.

    BUT I NEED to know that I have the CHANCE to do that. And to have the chance, I need to get myself together and go date some guys. My comfort at the end of my life would be that I had gone through the process. And I shall enjoy discovering myself, God and men in the process.

    I gave myself the chance to find him and I gave him the chance to find me. If we never got to meet, it must be God’s will. I leave my life in God’s hands and trust that He will do what is best for me. (Sorry to the folks who are offended. Just my personal faith.)

    Yes. I made an agreement with myself to be happy and contented with enjoying the process, collecting memories (silly, laughable, crazy, etc) so that if I am ever married and have kids, I can share with them…or just chuckle to myself when I am sitting on the rocking chair alone.

    What I dread is that I look back at the end of my life and regret that I did not try…

  7. 47
    Heather

    Shay,
    I dread that exact same thing. I therefore made up my mind that I would not worry about outcomes so much as giving it an effort when it comes to dating. The funny thing is that since I made up my mind I would go for what I want, I haven’t met any men I am interested in. The world is filled with men I see as being so essentially different from myself that I cannot imagine dating or bonding with them. Statistically, it doesn’t stand to reason that I should ever find love.

    I’m glad I’m growing weary of the topic – I just hope I don’t become this horrible matronly and sexless being in the process of living single.

  8. 48
    Shay

    Hey Heather, I don’t think you get what I mean.

    It was just a couple of months since I decided this and nothing has come out of it yet. But I’m having fun and looking forward to meeting men. I have decided to throw away my checklist of potential future husband and just get to know men first.

    As I decide upon this, I just try to observe and get to know men in general. There are even sparks with men who are totally different from me as well. Nothing serious yet.

    My goal is enjoying the process now instead of getting out of singlehood.

    I find that if I keep searching for men I am interested in, I get disappointed that there is none. So, I rather be interesting and attract men who are interested in me. If they come, then I can decide whether anyone is interesting enough to keep. If there’s none to keep, at the end of the day, I’ll have an interesting life at least. Hahahha…

  9. 49
    Heather

    Shay,

    Good luck to you in your process! I hope it is fun and you learn about yourself too. That’s what life is all about, right? You’re at a good place and 30 is a great age to be!

    I wish I could have the same attitude as you but I’m afraid my process of self discovery has yielded some not so great realizations about myself. I either have to change or continue where I am. I don’t think I can do it. I’m very insecure about myself in the manners that are specifically important to dating. I’m not comfortable in my own skin. I don’t know how to begin to change these things, and, thus far, my research and therapy have only opened my eyes to the problem. I have a long road ahead of me yet.

  10. 50
    Shay

    Heather, no worries. I am not so steady on my feet on this either. I try very hard to remind myself of this each day. We can only try. 😀

    May your coming year be filled with cheers, comfort and companionship. 😉

  11. 51
    lux aeterna

    Heather, how are you getting on? I’ve read all these comments and would love to know if you’ve made any progress.

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