What Is the Best Age to Find a Husband?

What Is the Best Age to Find a Husband

Phoebe Maltz Bovy, writing for The Atlantic, makes an excellent point:

A young woman hears from friends and family that she needs to focus on her career or education, not some guy. She is warned of certain dangers: unsolicited male attention; unintended pregnancy, as if intended pregnancy were also a thing; and the desire hardwired into all straight men to turn their girlfriends into 1950’s housewives. To entertain the possibility of it being difficult to find a husband, to even utter the expression “find a husband,” is to regress to another era. And this advice is incredibly appealing, a rejection of the quaint notion that female heterosexuality is the desire not for men, but for a white picket fence.

And then, suddenly, the message shifts. A not-quite-as-young woman will learn that rather than having all the time in the world to start a family, her biological clock is about to strike midnight. That even if she doesn’t want children, she is now on the cusp of being too old to find a husband. Hasn’t she heard of the man shortage, which only gets worse with age? 40-year-old men can (as will be news to most 40-year-old men) date any 23-year-old they want. And those degrees, that burgeoning career? Maybe feminist dreams shall be realized, or maybe it was just an elaborate mating strategy, tailored for an era when the highest-status men demand women with educational backgrounds similar to their own.

Women are now asked to live by second-wave feminist principles, until, boom, they’re informed that they need a man no less than women ever did.

A woman’s desire to get married doesn’t involve societal judgment. A woman’s desire to have her own biological children doesn’t involve societal judgment. This is the realm of facts.

Bovy advocates for less judgment. Less judgment of women who choose to get married in their early 20’s, forgoing a career. Less judgment of women who choose to put off marriage until their early 40’s. Less judgment of women’s choices overall.

Amen.

The issue I have – and the reason I’m sharing this article with you – is that a woman’s desire to get married doesn’t involve societal judgment. A woman’s desire to have her own biological children doesn’t involve societal judgment. This is the realm of facts.

Fact: Women who get married under the age of 25 have a 75% divorce rate.

Fact: Women who choose not to get married until their late 30’s face a diminished pool of men, since 68% have been married by that time.

Fact: Many men in their late 30’s who want to have children are less likely to choose a woman of the same age. Not because those women aren’t incredible, but because he does not want to have to rush through a relationship, get engaged, move in, get married, and get pregnant, all within 2 years, only to discover that there’s a major drop in fertility after 40, and that they may not be able to have more than one child. It’s just as easy for him to choose a partner in her early to mid-30’s.

We don’t always have a choice in how our life goes, but that doesn’t mean we should be ignorant of the facts, either.

None of this involves judgment.

If you got married at the age of 23 and you and your husband are still together, wonderful.

If you had two kids after the age of 40 (like my wife did), you’re super lucky.

But let’s not pretend for one second that there aren’t better times to get married and have children.

College-educated couples over the age of 30 have a 20% divorce rate. So somewhere between the ages of 30-35, I think, would be considered optimal.

We don’t always have a choice in how our life goes, but that doesn’t mean we should be ignorant of the facts, either.

Join our conversation (76 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 1
    Sunflower

    You’re right, we don’t have a choice in how our life goes.  And yes, there may be more opportune times (age wise) to find a husband and get married.  But let’s get real.  What may be a good time for one person, may not necessarily be the same good time for another.  I’ve always beat to my own tune and have lived my life according to what makes this girl happy.  I don’t and have never cared about society norm.  I am at peace and have no regrets.

      1. 1.1.1
        jasmine

        Another issue that isn’t talked about is that  s men never want to settle down until they’re in the late thirties and on leaving woman at their age to fend for themselves. Suddenly,  they want to be rewarded with a young bride, and yes men sperm can get really old leading to many child birth defects, however they feel as if they have hit the jackpot. It isn’t fair and the author has failed to mention societal biases. More and more woman are winning and having healthy children in their late ages. Soon, egg freezing will be a thing of the past.

    1. 1.2
      Baa Baa

      how old are you Sunflower?

       

      Fact: The quality of a woman’s eggs start to decline from the age for (approx) 27.  By the Age of 37 (+/- a few years) Your eggs are no longer worth freezing.

       

      That’s nature and biology that decided that NOT MEN.  Men just respond to what evolution and biology has determined.

  2. 2
    Henriette

    I agree 100% that this is the most “sane” age for the average college-educated woman to marry.  There will be exceptions and there were some sound reasons I didn’t wed in that time window but overall, this is exactly what I’d advise a daughter.  
     
    Many (most?) of us reading your blog are women who have passed this window.  So, while I agree with your conclusion, I’m much more interested in figuring out how to find lasting love in my 40s, 50s or beyond.

    1. 2.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Henriette.

      a) You’re way off on your statistics. 70% of my blog readers are 18-34, according to Google Analytics. 8% are 45-54. I don’t write content specific for 18-34 year olds. I write what I write. But that’s who finds me.

      b) How to find love in your 40’s isn’t any different, honestly. Choose men of character, kindness, communication and commitment. Doesn’t matter how old you are, the same gender and relationship dynamics persist. I have a new program coming out next month. I think you’ll get a lot out of it.

      1. 2.1.1
        MikeTO

        I wonder why? Is it because men in those age ranges don’t want to date seriously let alone marriage? You sir have proved my point again in another thread.

  3. 3
    Britt

    “Fact: Women who get married under the age of 25 have a 75% divorce rate.” and “College-educated couples over the age of 30 have a 20% divorce rate. So somewhere between the ages of 30-35, I think, would be considered optimal.”
     
     Where do the facts lie with mixed age couples? My boyfriend and I are a good 12yrs apart in age, and though we’re both college educated, I fall into the ‘under 25′ category and he is resides in the ’30-35’ range. We certainly aren’t in any rush to get married (only been dating a little over a year; just moved in together a month ago), however, I am curious. At 23, I have zero plans of getting married and/or having kids in the next…gosh…at least 3yrs. Particularly the kids part. Just interesting to ehar the stats, especially given our age difference.
     

    1. 3.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Don’t know the answers. I’m always cautious of:

      a) 23 year olds making any life long decisions
      b) 35 year olds who think that 23-year-olds are equals.

      If that stings, think of yourself 12 years ago compared to now. Do you know a lot more now? That’s the difference between 35 and 23.

      So while I don’t have stats for you, I do have a word of caution. Wait for at least 3 years before you get married. There’s no downside to gathering more information before you make a lifelong commitment.

      1. 3.1.1
        Britt

        No sting whatsoever. I’d like to think I’m pretty self-aware, and I definitely see/understand cautions of a 35y/o dating a 23y/o. Even my 35y/o. Can’t and won’t say we’re “different” than others couples with a similar age gap, but hey, for us and for now, it’s working. Respect, kindness, compassion, good character, intelligence, and attraction are all there – guess we’ll see how we grow/learn together! Or apart.

         And 3yrs til marriage would still be a rush to me! I have no qualms about waiting…a looong time; so you can consider that adived heeded, for sure! 🙂

        1. Annabelle

          I was 30; dated 38 yr old man for over 3 years (I loved dating 8-10 years older); until I realized he had commitment issues (he was still texting his old international girlfriend) and I felt like I was dating my dad. Regardless, when he was 37, intimacy was still okay … moving into his 42nd year … not so much. All I have to say is that I dumped this older man, and found someone two years older .. I’m 33 now, he’s 35; we’re engaged and I never felt more compatible .. Age matters! Because physical, emotional, and compatibility matter! And we look totally normal and cute as a couple! Can’t imagine dating an older 42-43 year old now! And older than that, forget it!

        2. butterduck

          My husband and I are 13 years apart. We would have never lasted when I was 23 and he 36. But I was probably more immature than the average 23-year-old. As it happened, we started dating when I was 32 and he was 45.By then I was just barely ready for a grownup relationship.  But even so, it was a couple of years before we married and I have no regrets about that.
          I’m not sure I understand the woman Evan quoted in his blog. Of course intended pregnancy is a thing, just like unintended pregnancy. It may not be HER thing, but it’s real.   

      2. 3.1.2
        Face the Facts

        “I’m always cautious of…35-year-olds who think that 23 year olds are equals.”

        Good observation, Evan. And as a veteran “kitten” (aka a woman who’s dated older men), men who are significantly older than a woman do not consider her to be an equal in any sense of the word. Such men are emotionally underdeveloped, which is why they date younger women. They’re also insecure and looking for someone “weak” to boss around and control.

        My friends used to laugh at me when they found out about the oldheads I used to date! They kept asking me why I couldn’t find a man my own age. They were on to something. May-December romances don’t last, unless both persons are older (i.e. a woman in her 30s with a man in his 40s or 50s, or a woman in her 40s with a man in his 50s or 60s).

        Some kids in their 20s operate on the misguided belief that dating the old(er) men who are hitting on them means they’ll get a mature and lasting relationship. I write to tell them to abandon such fairytale BS.

        Also, it should be noted that men lose out greatly in the dating sphere when they get older. I’ve dated many men in their late 30s and 40s who were crying about how they thought they aged themselves out of dating. Most men want a woman their own age; again, only the emotionally immature want someone younger (and this applies to “cougars” as well).

        Here’s a fact, Evan: BOTH MEN AND WOMEN FACE A SHRINKING POOL OF PARTNERS AS THEY GET OLDER. It’s not just women, my dear. People are either paired off, or married to their jobs, or have given up on dating and are too tired to bother with the game-playing and other ambiguities.

        Girls in their 20s tend to think poorly of the 30- and 40-something oldheads who desperately chase after them. (Except poor, deluded ones like myself, who thought they were “mature” – yeah, maybe in years, but not in the heart.)

      3. 3.1.3
        Alicia

        I totally agree. I got married in my 20’s to a man that was 12 years older. I’m now 36,he’s 48. Have I ever changed. I notice major differences between us, that has led me to a separation. My fear now, is.. I’m 36.. my dating options are.. different. Will I find “him” again? I’m optimistic that someone, somewhere, is in the same boat, and when we meet.. we will be much more compatible than me and my husband. It’s tough to move forward, move on… but I’m different, my ideas and wants and needs are so different than the girl I was when he met me..

    2. 3.2
      max

      Hi Britt no need to worry ,men are fertile till the age 65 and beyond and can have kids.  Its also very easy for a man to find a women to marry and have kids with ,with a big age gap.  Once a women goes over the age of 26-35 she is not as desirable anymore.  So i would suggest you make your plans and get yourself a man when your young.

      1. 3.2.1
        XT

        Just because a man can have kids at 65 and older doesn’t necessarily mean that he should. For one, there’s a good chance that the kid will be partially orphaned by age thirteen, considering that the average life span for a man is 78. Even if he lives to be older, the kid will be lucky if their dad can see a high school or college graduation. Two, having an older father increase the likelihood that a child will have schizophrenia, autism, bipolar disorder, ADHD, depression, etc. (Sources: Autism Speaks and NYT). Papers of Spain and Israel have proven that children with fathers older than 44 are more likely to have low IQs and intellectual disabilities.

        Often, we focus only on the mother’s age, and it becomes sexist when no consideration is given to the father’s age as well. While there is truth to issues occurring with older parents, sexism is the main reason why we have not closely examined the effects of children born to elder fathers. The data is mounting to show that, although for different reasons, men may have a biological clock all their own.

         

  4. 4
    Jennifer

    Evan,  I have been following your blog for several years.  I feel that you are one of the best coaches out there.  However, when I read articles like this one I often think. ‘what’s the purpose for posting it?’.  I’m 46.  I am single.  I am looking for love.  I would have liked to have children and have decided that I am now past the age of wanting to start a family.  And that’s just the way it is.  I did not purposely set out to be single, childless, and in my 40s.  If I had met a good match at an earlier age I would have been happy to have procreated, but that’s not the way it worked out.  Reading posts such as this one is like finding out that new dress you bought last month is now on sale.  Nothing to be done and no point in feeling regretful.  

    Like an earlier comment, I too am surprised by the age of most of your blog readers.  I suppose a warning? to them is fairly play.  But let me turn things around and say that my life occurred the way it occured.  No amount of knowing facts about a woman’s prime reproductive years, and I did know them, would have changed any thing.  The only advise I’d give younger women is, live your life the best you can.  Embrace love when you find it.  Be smart but don’t let things like statistics scare you into decisions that you may not be ready for.  And regret is a waste of time. 

    1. 4.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      You’ve already answered your own question. If 70% of my readers are between 18-34, I think it’s extremely useful for them to learn that they shouldn’t settle down in their mid-20’s, nor wait until their early 40’s, if they can help it. You can say that facts like this sting, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t provide them.

      I posted an article about fertility recently that indicated that women were often willfully ignorant about their own fertility. I posted it not to make 41 year old women feel bad but to inspire 32 year old women to take their love lives seriously right now. Not every article can change YOUR life, but it may change someone else’s.

      1. 4.1.1
        Annabelle

        Evan, you did inspire me!! I love this post and have shared it with my sister. I’ve been reading this blog for about a year or so; and it made me change the way I see men and my approach to dating. I was able to logically leave my older 42 yr “soul mate” boyfriend who was never going to marry me; and find a guy my age. Previously, I had NOT been dating under 38 because I thought the men were immature. But I was wrong – older than 38 and they were immature, commitmentphobic. I just had to try harder in dating and meet more men; while lowering my age preference.

        My life is much easier now, now that we are two years apart, we have compatibility! And he communicates! Not to mention, we don’t look so awkward and my family accepts him. Two years older has been the way to go for me! It was a lot of work to change my mind; but I have turned a leaf! Life is so much easier!

        1. MikeTO

          It’s more likely men are been through bad marriages and don’t want to go through again. Considering it’s very likely men who divorced end up paying high amount of child support or alimony.

          These men see marriage as too much risk, if that’s what you consider immaturity then it’s you not them because no no sane women would go back to a wife beater.

    2. 4.2
      Helen

      For a second there I thought I’d written your comment, Jennifer.  I like the way you summarise the situation.  I could have had a different path, but the desire for children was not stronger than the desire not to be a single parent…so now I enjoy my godchildren, friends’ children and cousins’ children.  What surprised me though was the speed at which the years between 36 and 46 seem to have gone.

    3. 4.3
      IvyMades

      I’m with Evan. Not sure why some of you are under the impression his blog is only for single woken past their childbearing years..

      I am 30 and I’ve known about this blog for a handful of years now. I am in a live-in LTR and I find Evan’s blog posts to be good reads. So yea, women in their 20s have and currently do read this blog, and yes women in relationships read it too. This post is relevant to the 70% of Evan’s reader demographic.

       

      1. 4.3.1
        Henriette

        I’m not sure if anyone thought this blog is “only for single wo[m]en past their childbearing years.”  However, the regular commenters and the people buying Evan’s goods and services tend to fall into that demographic, which is why many of us are surprised to learn how many 20-somethings frequent this site.  Articles like this speak to his core reading audience but not his core paying audience.

    4. 4.4
      alex

      Jennifer,

      I think Evan is doing many women a favor with this sort of honesty. The culture we live in contains the oppostite sort of message in abundance. The reality is people do not live forever and the older we are the fewer options we have. In no other area of life would people take issue with this. Imagine telling somebody to wait until theyre 50 to pick a  career. Thats essentially what womena are being told by the sex and the city culture. Its a terrible message.

  5. 5
    Lori

    I am a college educated woman (Same alma mater as you Evan, Trinity class of ’99) with an advanced degree.  I am a professional.  I ignored the advice given to “smart” women, got married at 23 (my husband was 27), had my first baby at 26, second at 27, third at 31.  I have a successful career and make more than $200K a year.  And… I got divorced.  

    I can’t say that my divorce had NOTHING to do with our ages at marriage.  At 23, I didn’t really know myself yet.  My ex husband didn’t know himself yet either.  While we had chemistry and connected well on a graduate school campus, marriage and parenthood and the demands of building two careers tore us apart. In addition, my ex developed addiction issues.  What seemed like normal drinking behavior in his 20s turned into full-fledged alcoholism.  And, on top of that, we were culturally different.  Our religious differences didn’t matter before we had kids, but once the children came, we realized that an interfaith marriage was extremely challenging.  However, would I have been able to better predict these issues if I had been 30+ at marriage?  I think that my ex husband and I were fundamentally incompatible and we couldn’t really see it until we tried to build a family together.
    My advice to my daughters will be to marry in their late 20s, after they have had some time to be grown ups on their own but while they are still young enough to have kids without rushing.  At 23, I don’t think I had enough life experience to choose a spouse.  I had barely dated.  In college, I was too busy studying and I never really knew how to date.  My ex was my first serious boyfriend.  On the other hand, I am happy that I had children young and did not have to worry about my fertility.  Many women I know who got married after 30 had fertility issues and needed IVF.  Meanwhile, I got pregnant in one cycle with each of my kids.  

    And, the reason for my failed marriage was not my age at the time of marriage.  While age may have helped me make a better choice (hindsight is always 20/20), I was mature enough to handle a developing career, marriage and children in my 20s.  I do not regret early marriage and parenthood.  It didn’t prevent me from achieving career goals.  And, I still got to have a family.  

    Can you predict whether a marriage will work better as you get older?  And why not settle down in your 20s? If you want to have children before 35 and wish to have multiple children, it seems wise to marry by your late 20s.  

    By the way, Evan, I’d love to see more advice on dating after divorce, dating divorced men, dating with kids, etc.    

  6. 6
    Lori

    I will ask you a question. 🙂

  7. 7
    Lana

    Evan,

    Just wanted to tell you I’m thrilled I found your blog when I did. I’m part of that 18-34 demographic and these exact issues have been on my mind for a little while now. It’s been a breath of fresh air to see statistically valid information and objective commentary on the state of modern romance and the very real choices young people need to make – very different from both the manosphere and feminist spaces. I’m in the midst of online dating and it’s going very well! I’m excited and hopeful. 

    Thanks. 

    1. 7.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Well, isn’t that the nicest thing anyone outside of my nuclear family has said to me in a long time? Thank you!

  8. 8
    Gabri'el

    Evan, I’m curious… Now that you know that most of your readers are young (though I think most of your regular commenters are older, which is why those statics surprised everyone), will you start to give more guidance on dating and love for us under 25? And yes I know you say it’s mostly the same regardless of age, BUT…
     
    In most of your past post, whenever a person under 30 -especially if they were under 25- asked for advice or had a problem concerning love, you would usually just say, “you’re young, it won’t last, you still have some growing up to do, just have fun”. I’m paraphrasing of course -though your answer to Britt, is a good example-.
     
    Like Lana, I’m very happy I found you, I too almost became a disciple/victim of the Pick up artist (PUA), and the Rules crowd. But what do we do, sure we don’t want to get married yet, or have children, we are focusing on school and our careers, but the though of falling in love with someone and then getting advice that basically says, “Hey! Have fun! Because it won’t last!” is discouraging.
     
     
    You mostly teach against one night stands, hook ups and friends with benefits, but at the same time you say that because I’m under 25, trying to find a serious relationship is a waste of time (again, I’m paraphrasing), because it won’t last… So what do we do? What advice do you have for us concerning love and dating? 

    1. 8.1
      Tom10

      @ Gabri’el # 7
      “So what do we do? What advice do you have for us concerning love and dating?”

      Gabri’el, you’re a former model, studying medicine and training to be a surgeon? Er, something tells me you’re going to do just fine dating-wise.

      What do you want to do? Because, with your attributes, you can do whatever you want. First know what you really want; then set about a plan for getting it.

      1. 8.1.1
        Adrian

        Tom10, I don’t think he was saying he couldn’t find dates, he was asking about the contradicting advice often given to young people: “one night stands, hookups, and friends with benefits are BAD! But if you fall in love when you are young, it won’t last.”
         
        Gabri’el I think I remember you once mentioned in a previous post that you were struggling with maintaining your belief in god, which was causing you moral dilemmas in regards to continuing to wait until you are married before you have sex.
         
        Which explains to me why a 20 something male model and future doctor would be trying to find love and is a regular on a dating site for love and romance, instead of sleeping with different women from left to right. It may also explain your acolyte devotion/crush on Karmic Equation, because she is the most outspoken female pastor on this site about having sex just for the pleasure of having sex, without any guilt or shame.
         
        Anyway, I agree with Evan, you should be looking more for experience than for love at your age. If you have women throwing themselves at you, why turn them down because you don’t love them? You should just be enjoying their company and yourself (that doesn’t always mean sex), you’ll gain a lot of experience for when you BOTH are mature enough for love, a serious relationship, and marriage.

        1. Tom10

          Adrian #8.1.1
          Well, my implication wasn’t that he couldn’t find dates, rather wondering why he was asking a dating expert about what should he do? My point is that Gabri’el is the only one who can answer that question, as there is no “should” or “shouldn’t” when it comes to these issues.
           
           
          While it can be useful to be cognisant of the statistics and risks of spending one’s 20s indulging in hook-ups versus ltrs/marriage, ultimately it is up to each individual to decide what they really want, both for now and for their future. Gabri’el needs to figure out what he really wants for himself before making any progress. Only when he figures this out can one give advice on what to do.

    2. 8.2
      twinkle

      Lol at Tom10’s comment 8.1; there’s certainly some truth to that. :p
       
      Gabri’el, Personally I feel that one ‘problem’ for those men and women who are conventionally-attractive is they must be careful and wise enough to weed out the many unsuitable pple they’ll attract–some of whom can seem very attractive on the superficial level.
       
      The cost of marrying the wrong person in one’s youth is high. Obviously the kids suffer, but there’s more. For men, a major cost is potentially financial losses, losing custody of kids etc. For women, a major cost is returning to the dating market when possibly much older, no longer being able to have kids with a new partner etc. Sad but that’s often the brutal reality. Plus so many unmarried pple avoid dating divorcees due to fear of ‘baggage’.
       
      Still, I’ve seen v happy couples who married young. My oldest brother married around 24 to his uni girlfriend, they’re still happily-married with 3 adorable sons, about 14 yrs later. Another brother married around 25, fairly recently so unsurprisingly they’re still blissfully happy, so cornily in love they make everyone laugh/cringe. My 2 close male friends also married around 25 to gfs they met in uni. So I’m a bit more optimistic than Evan about marrying young (mid or late 20s) if u feel u have the right match.
       
      I’ve observed them and tried to learn more, since they seemed happily married. Those brothers and friends I mentioned who married young, they married women who were pretty but not drop-dead gorgeous or glamorous IMO, intelligent but their career was not their no.1 priority, and feminine but not princess-y or too high maintenance–their gfs did things like ‘rough it’ in travelling sometimes like staying in cheap hotels on a budget, one often woke up at 5am for her teaching job. Although on rare occasions they could be a bit pouty and stubborn, generally they are very mature, reasonable and compromising in any disagreement or dispute. I recently had a road trip with family members including one brother and his wife, and she is such an easygoing non-complaining cheerful woman who loves to laugh, I was so charmed by her personality.
       
      That said, my older sis and her husband have been happily married for a few years, and she’s a more high-maintenance princess-y ex-career woman who stayed in office till 2am semi-regularly, so I’m not saying the girl-next-door ‘Betty Coopers’ are the only good bets.
       
      Now I’m observing which men I’ve seen make the best husbands. 😉

    3. 8.3
      Evan Marc Katz

      Fair point, Gabriel. And I’m not sure how to say this, so I’ll just say it. The reason that 70% of my readers are young is simply Google. Google any dating question and you’ll end up here. But those 18-34 year olds – for the most part, do not buy my products or pay for my coaching services. So I don’t spend all that much time worrying about them. You’ve pointed out a valid dilemma, for which there is no one answer. Is it generally smarter to couple up after 30? Sure, according to statistics. Do people marry younger and have some success? Of course. I think my point is to get as much experience as you can in your 20’s – whether that’s hooking up or falling in love – so you can have a better grasp on the process and what works. If you are ready and able to make an informed decision at 27, good for you. Just know that you’ll know a lot more about everything when you’re 37 than when you’re 27. That’s all.

  9. 9
    Alison Kahn

    I totally agree with you on every point you make here Evan. I am 35 years old and met my boyfriend (now fiance) at the age of 34 (on eHarmony!). He is the same age as me. I feel I am so much more ready for a serious relationship and wanted to get married…All throughout my 20’s I was with a guy I met in college and we stayed together until I was 28. I was not nearly as mature as I am now, and had I married him, I’m certain we would have ended up in divorce. I am so much wiser now and feel so much more ready for a solid partnership, and about 3 weeks ago he proposed to me. Even if we don’t have kids until I am 37/38, I am fine with that….We both want a family, but sometimes life doesn’t work out that way. I know I am not going to rush things just because I know my biological clock is ticking…so far everything has worked out the way it was supposed to work out…with us dating for about 15 months, living together for a few, and shortly after, getting engaged.  I am not going to push having kids, We are going to make sure we are both ready for it, emotionally, mentally, financially etc. It is better to do that then to be pressured by what other people think or by what society thinks and I am so happy and grateful to have so much more wisdom than I had a decade ago. By the way – I owe a lot of my success to you Evan. I have read all of your books and advice and it really helped to guide me to where I am today, plus, I did the work! Thank you!!

  10. 10
    Janie

    I love this article too. I think it’s just a consequence of the fact that we live in changing times, that the messages we receive as women change drastically from what we’re told as girls to what we’re told once we pass the peak of fertility. As someone pointed out in a comment on a previous post, the dating advice for women about what men care about is so different than what fathers care about in their daughters. When it comes to relationships, it’s: Men don’t care about your degrees, ambitions, promotions, money, house, or the medals you’ve won. They just want you to be feminine, attractive, nurturing, not the same as him. Whereas, Dads usually care about where we go to college, what we major in, our first job, first promotion, first house, and brag to the whole neighborhood about the medal we won in a marathon. They think we’re beautiful no matter what. It can be hard to give up getting that appreciation and support just because we reach a certain age!

  11. 11
    Ness

    Oh how grim. I wasted those wonderful years of my life with the wrong man. Now at 37 I’m divorced, I have no husband, no baby and am looking down the barrel of 40. I want a wonderful husband and a child of my own. I’m seeing someone who might fit the bill, but it’s early days yet – how long do I wait  to find out if he’s the right one?  I can’t afford to wait 3 years.  I know I’ve passed the peak of my fertility – I went through it in my marriage so I know it’s going to be an issue if I do remarry before I’m 40.  Trying to find a partner in my late 30s and wanting it all really sucks.

  12. 12
    Draya

    Ladies, ladies…PLEASE heed Evan’s prudent advice. I married for the first time at age 40. Candidly, the only reason I believe it happened for me then was because I immersed myself in Evan’s teachings and bought his book. Now I am 42 and pregnant with our first child, but we likely will not have another child. As Evan articulated, my husband and I got lucky. We were able to conceive without the use of fertility treatments of any kind, but again, we will likely have only this one child. We wanted two. Do yourself a favor and sleep, eat, and breathe the teachings of Evan. The man is truly informed.

  13. 13
    Anya

    Woe–you are overly optimistic about fertility. It takes a massive dip at 35, not 40…far fewer ovulations and huge percent of damaged eggs. Let’s not be ignorant of THOSE facts. The biggest “feminist” atrocity going on today is women lying to themselves and to each other about fertility. Kudos to you for two after forty, but man, I couldn’t have conceived after thirty five if my life depended on it. And my fertility followed the average curve.
    Great to freeze eggs and all but that is hardly a guarantee like it is being marketed to be. Sorry ladies, but some realities need to be faced. And good for nature In imposing that harsh dictate. I was a surprise to my mom at 44, with three teenage kids and believe me, being raised by a woman that age, no matter how loving and well intended, was an unnatural drag. And I was 23 when she died…I guess we are all now immortal though so that is no concern to the have-it-alls among us…all we have to do is eat kale and run marathons…another shock on the horizon, ladies…nature does not compromise there, either. Dig deep beyond the fundraising headlines about cancer deaths over the last 30 years. Not much real progress.
    Last, I wish you and everyone else in the media would stop ragging on the stereotype of 1950s housewives. I for one was financially fortunate enough to choose that life, in partnership with my husband/best friend, and have had a truly beautiful life with time for those I love, nurturing three human beings and providing a warm, secure, loving home for them and a bunch of awesome animals For thirty years. I have a top tier MBA, was fast tracked at a Fortune 500, promoted on maternity leave and yet my choice was a no brainer. i was and remain an independent thinker and an ardent feminist, actually, who was not about to let some male-derived number of weeks allotted as maternity leave determine how completely my child was to be breastfed and psychologically grounded. (ya, dropping your infant and charging off to do power points is real feminist, girls.) While I quietly gave this society three vey secure, super-contributing, compassionate Ivy League graduates, physicians and educators, you and your peers have demeaned and laughed at me. You would have rather I have chosen material pursuits and personal aggrandizement over the beauty I have lived passing the torch, tripling my genetic effect and making strong, independent decisions. 

    1. 13.1
      Marie

      Hi Anya, I think Evan has been fair between women who work and women who do not.  When did Evan rag on women who chose to be housewives? His own wife is a stay at home mom and he has shown nothing but respect for her. As to your defensiveness about your career choice, you make it sound like an either or option — either you have a fantastic career and neglect your children OR you can stay home and raise Ivy Leaguers who contribute to society.  I know plenty of career moms who raise fantastic children who went to top schools, are compassionate and contribute to society.  Just because you personally did not make that choice or think you couldn’t accomplish both doesn’t mean other women can’t choose to have a career and raise beautiful children as well. I have several colleagues in high level careers who have 3-4 children who grew up to be top of their class.  Yes their husbands help out as they should but ultimately they were still great moms. 

    2. 13.2
      SV

      Anya you are mean and you are just being an immature woman rubbing it in people’s faces like that! That’s good you had found the love of your life in your early years and he didn’t leave you, but married you and knocked you up silly! That’s cool that your boss, instead of give the promotion to someone else, when you were at materinity leave like some tyrannical and abusive bosses can be, you are lucky then! You are lucky that your parents paid 100% of your college education and you just splurged your allowance (some don’t even GET allowance!) on mall & window shopping sprees and leather boostieays! Congrats to you! Not all of us were/are that lucky!

       

      31,f,

  14. 14
    JJ

    Evan, you seem to be closely reading this thread so going to try my luck and post something here. I have searched previous questions and am looking for more info on your experience with interfaith marriage. Thanks!

  15. 15
    Annabelle

    I’ve been studying many dating and love coaches; and must say that I really listen and trust your advice Evan!! It’s very compassionate; while being factual. Yes, let’s look at the facts! Thank you so much for your good work!!  – 33 yr old and ready to marry for the first time ever!!!

  16. 16
    Gronald

    Eh, marriage is an antiquated tradition anyway. We’re better off just abolishing it.

  17. 17
    lisa

    This article is like the song of my young life. I am 27 and i do feel the pressure to get married and have kids. I have the career and education. “People” are always on my back to get married but truth is, i don’t think am mentally ready. However, as 30 is creeping up on me, i have a fear of getting old alone. I guess i will be reading more of your articles. I must say i learned alot from the vide about why “i” keep choosing the wrong man over and over again etc.

  18. 18
    Josie

    “Women who choose not to get married until their late 30’s face a diminished pool of men, since 68% have been married by that time.”

    Yep.  I am 38 and the men in their late 30s who have not yet married or had kids will date younger women who are (1) hotter and (2) have a better chance of providing children.  I was pleasantly surprised to receive Match correspondence last week from an attractive, younger educated professional man who shared interests, but he disappeared within the course of two emails.   He surely has many options with early-thirties women.  

    The remaining men in their early 40s who have never been married often have some sort of fatal flaw.  I am remembering some discussion on this in “Marry Him”- men who really want to get married and are decent catches usually can make it happen by their late 30s, and if they have not, there is generally something wrong with them.  They generally fall into these categories:  (1) “Peter Pan”-type playboys who remain immature and unable to commit (2) men who are emotionally troubled or stunted in some way (3) guys with drug or alcohol issues (4) men who have been (and will remain) unsuccessful in their careers, likely due to the aforementioned three issues.  Yes, there is the rare man who has tried to settle down and was unsuccessful for some reason, but those become rarer and rarer as men reach their early 40s.  Bottom line – there are far more 30something women trying to settle down than there are normal, marriage-quality men in the 30s-40s range. 

     

    1. 18.1
      Face the Facts

      Josie, I don’t see how younger is equated with “hotter”: I know many girls in their 20s who are atrocious. They’re ugly. Youth certainly isn’t bettering them at all. “Hotness” is a product of genetics, and although age diminishes it (a natural process), if you didn’t have it to begin with, then youth won’t make you any prettier.

      Men don’t have it easier, either. The losers you described can’t get girls either. I think the biggest problem is that men are still acting like children in their 30s (the never-married types), while more women are mature and ready for marriage at that time. This is a trend that continues from the 20s age group.

      The marriageable men are not getting snapped up as quickly as one may think, either: They have to meet the right woman too, and they have standards just as anyone ready for marriage does. Pairing up successfully in our society requires some measure of luck, no matter what system you choose for meeting someone.

      We all have a lonely future ahead of us, as most of us will end up divorced or never married. I bet we’ll see a spike in marriages in the so-called golden years, in retirement communities. Only near the end of their lives will people learn the value of partnership.

      I noticed that both men and women want to bemoan the lack of “good” women and men today. So many excuses are passed around: But no one wants to take personal accountability, and use their single “down time” to grow and develop into a mature human being capable of a loving, lasting marriage.

      Well, here’s one thing I’ve learned: I’m done reading articles like this. They’re depressing.

  19. 19
    Theo

    What about: The remaining women in their early 40s who have never been married often have some sort of fatal flaw.  

    1. 19.1
      McLovin

      Oh, Theo….perish the thought!
      These situations are ALWAYS the man’s fault. It’s never the fault of super-empowered, intelligent, special snowflake princess career gals!

      1. 19.1.1
        Wriggle

        I don’t entirely disagree with that.. but there are those of us out there (early 40’s, never married) who frittered away years in the wrong long-term relationship, didn’t get married (thankfully, that would have been a major error!) And found themselves single in their late thirties. Yes, my responsibility for not getting out earlier, (oops) but doesn’t make me a power princess!

      2. 19.1.2
        NKNK

        Ha ha nice comment. It is time for more women in their early 40s to take responsibility for still being single at that age

  20. 20
    Josie

    Where in my above post did I suggest that women are exempt from responsibility?  
    I freely admit that I could have focused more on relationships with suitable men during my 20s but I was not in that frame of mind when I was 26.  Maybe I should have – hindsight being twenty/twenty.  But today I embrace the lessons of EMK and tge book Marry Him but the pickings are slim even for the non-picky 30 something woman.  

    The demographics do not lie when it comes to number of single 30 something women versus similar aged single men, and it does not take a demographer to see that among the fewer single men available in the late 30s -40s, a portion of those men will be undateable , due to the proven increased proclivity of men for mental illness, addiction and the  reality of the fate of men in the post recession economy.   Read a few articles along these lines and then review the men of Match.com and you’ll understand my point.   

    Then, the few remaining unmarried men who do have good jobs  and are mentally together seem to focus on younger and hotter, and often times seem to be uninterested in a real lasting relationship. 

    1. 20.1
      McLovin

      Those men have what are called “options,” Josie. Just like you most likely had when you were 16-30. It sucks when the shoe is on the other foot, no?
      Women were sold a lie en masse (namely, that they are men), and the existence of Evan’s blog is evidence of that lie coming home to roost.
      My advice to you would be what many men are told when the women they want don’t want them: suck it up and lower your standards. Either that, or you will have to bring something truly stupendous to the table.

  21. 21
    Mandy

    Hey. I live in Eastern Europe, and I think it’s much worse here..in terms of pressure to get married. Most people expect women to be married with a kid on the way by the time they’re 25, regardless of whether they have graduated studies or not. The pool of attractive and easy to get women is much wider here than in western countries, I believe, and sad to say, I feel it’s mostly due to women here being raised to believe getting a man should be their main priority in life, which translates into lots of women obsessed with dieting and exercising often to the detriment of their own health, not to mention lots of time invested into clothing, make-up, and being girly and what not.
    And last but not least, lots of young women are very sexually open just because they know the competition is high and would do just about anything to get/keep a guy.

    That being said, I am currently 26 and have never even kissed a guy, never got any near to getting a relationship, and as I get older, I feel my self-esteem lowering because of the way other people treat me. 
    I am totally unwilling to compromise, and despite what some may think, my desire to remain a virgin until this age has nothing to do with religion. It has to do with safety, mainly, both physically and emotionally.
    On the one hand, I feel guys never respect women who give themselves too easily, on the other hand, I feel I could never separate love from the equation and just do it on a physical level with whomever is willing, and I’d end up getting hurt, no matter how you look at it.

    But, getting to the point, what I wanted to say is you make it sound like a business. But what about looking for true compatibility? Should a woman approaching 30 just learn to walk over her own expectations, and settle for whatever she can get? 
    Is that the true path to happiness? Somehow, I doubt it.
    Personally, I never felt a strong urge to have children, so that’s not a factor I consider when thinking about the kind of relationship I’d like. Is it wrong of me to expect a man who can accept me with my own unique personality, my quirks, my strong opinions?

     

    1. 21.1
      Sue

      If I can give you advice, it’s this, wait till your marriage day to have sex or even kiss/look at your man’s you know what. I gave mine at 28 to someone I wasn’t even married to. My first kiss was at 26. My first blow job was shortly after. It just increased from there. My advice is to wait for a man who respects you and isn’t just about sex. Sure yes, that is a powerful thing, but it’s not everything. Compatibility like you said, is wayy more important, not talking about physical compatibility but in terms of readiness to have a real famliy (financial, emotional spousal support, etc)… I’m 31 now, and I have had a few relationships and a few exes, but no where near getting a ring yet…. and I’ve already gave away my you know what… to someone that probably doesn’t even remember me or my name…  I followed the stupid society and wanting to fit in….

      1. 21.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        Please disregard Sue’s advice. She means well, but doesn’t understand that 97% of people have premarital sex, and that if you don’t kiss a guy until you get a ring, well, let’s just say, you’ll be single for a long time.

      2. 21.1.2
        Holly

        Sue,

        Evan’s right. Those of us who have been made aware of this toxic culture’s dim view of the real purpose for sex, have much more of a chance to stay single. That’s a good thing. It means less chance to sin, and more chances to find real love, from a man who will love you for your own sake, not what you do to them. Take heart, Sue. You can still start over fresh and save sex for marriage from now on. It’s not too late!

  22. 22
    Marcus

    as a mid 30’s guy who has never been married this is an interesting article.  I had several opportunities to get married in my twenties, but when you grow up in a divorced household you take your time.  Right or wrong I still date girls in their early twenties and theyre fine with a 30 something guy.  I will take my time.

    1. 22.1
      Sue

      What if they lie to you about their age? Or is it THAT obvious?! Is age the best and only indicator of a good wife?!

  23. 23
    Wriggle

    Hi Evan,

    First time posting. I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of years. I read your post of ‘The case for settling’, wanted to post then, just read this…

    Ladies, I’m afraid Marc and Gottlieb are absolutely right. I wish I’d come across  Evan’s blog back when I was  36, but that’s life… to keep it short, I met and moved in with a man when I was 27. He ticked all the boxes but looking back, he wasn’t quite right. Add a dash of major depression on his part and I found myself single with zero confidence at 36.

    It took me a couple of years to get my head and life straight before I started dating again… and not having dated for 12 years that was scary! So by then I was 38. I seemed to attract depressives like bees to honey! I did a fabulous self-development course and took myself off travelling. I had a ball and finally began to enjoy my freedom at the age of 41… so of course at that point I met my OH. I count myself incredibly lucky; at the age of 41 I met a great man, previously married but no kids, financially stable, good job, lots of common interests and values, intelligent, amazing at DIY, works hard to make me laugh, is cool with my age, and talks about kids and marriage.. I sometimes wish he was taller (he’s 4 inches shorter than me!) But I’m determined not to let that ruin a good thing.

    So, I fully agree with Evan’s advice to younger women who are holding out; the men in the pool get worse, not better, the longer you hold out. Mental health issues, baggage from previous relationships, kids from previous marriages or still married 😮 – there’s a lot of them out there! That doesn’t mean it can’t happen, but you’re going to have to compromise more. Like me, sometimes life just doesn’t work out, but you can make it easier on yourselves. And r.e. height – I’ve met so many tall men ‘with issues’, I think maybe their brains aren’t getting enough oxygen up there! At 5’10”  believe me, I get the height thing, but it’s not going to count for much when you’re 60… laughter will count a lot more…

    Good luck! 

    1. 23.1
      Josie

      I came across Evan’s blog when I was 36 (I am now 38), just as you said you wished you had. I first learned of the blog from the book “Marry Him”.
      Sadly, even with my renewed focus on open minded dating,following the principles of Marry Him, I’ve dated several men over the past two years, none of which has worked out. I too am a tall gal but have made a real effort to see past shallow characteristics of height and appearance.

      Still, it has not worked with any of the guys I have dated recently. Several were players who hid that fact for the first few dates; others were too conservative and straight laced to fit with my lifestyle and friend group; some were wishy washy about marriage and family; another contacted *me* on Match but lived 1.5 hours away from my town, but yet was adamant that he would not move if we began dating (I recently relocated to my current city and my job is not fungible). I have been on guy-atus for the past couple months and trying to muster the nerve to try again. It is tough.

      1. 23.1.1
        Tom10

        @ Wriggle #23
        “r.e. height – I’ve met so many tall men ‘with issues’, I think maybe their brains aren’t getting enough oxygen up there!”

        Interesting. I wonder if it’s to do with the fact that they have more options than short men; so they can simply *afford* to have “issues”? I.e. as they don’t struggle in dating they have no motivation to sort out their issues.

        @ Josie #23.1
        “Several were players who hid that fact for the first few dates”

        Lol. That’s what players, by definition, do. If they disclosed that upfront they would be, um, not players.

        “It is tough.”

        It’s true, dating is tough. Best of luck with it though – you seem to have the right mindset 😉

  24. 24
    MikeTO

    Now I will post on youtube to expose you considering you don’t want the truth to get out. I will get the views when i tag your name. LOL

    1. 24.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I don’t want the truth to get out? Dude, I’m letting you post all over my site (25 times in 2 days) instead of blocking you. The way I see it, you can have your MGOTW and I’m going to keep it real with my audience of smart, strong, successful women who want to fall in love. Have a good life, Mike. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, I have no problem with you.

      1. 24.1.1
        Karmic Equation

        Evan,
         
        MikeTO is trying to ride your coattails to get more traffic for his own site.
         
        If there’s a way for you to prevent it, you should else, he’s just using your name without paying you any royalties.
         
        Karmic

    2. 24.2
      NKNK

      dude, its time for a therapist (not so you can find a woman, so you can work out why you want to be a troll)

  25. 25
    Reality

    With so many women today that are so very unfaithful, how in the world would they be able to get married in the first place.

  26. 26
    Lisa

    I agree with the age you are spot on.  We career driven highly educated women just wish someone would have told us to focus on that then rather than now.  I was still building my career then and I and other women of the 80s were raised that a man would fit in with us and our career not that we would have to fit in with them or gasp act more feminine to attract the men we want.  We were never taught to do that.  My mom did not teach me to cook or sew or keep a house. Never once was it brought up that I should seek a husband or bear children that was after. My Dad was the same.  They wanted more.  I was to go as far as school could take me get a great career and if a man fit in great.  A girl focused on love had her head in the clouds.  Look at the shows and commercials from,that era.  Men of today are no thing like I said expected.  So I’m,glad you are spreading the honest word now to,women who are not too old to be,hear this ladies listen.  It’s too late for many of us to have birthday birthday biological children but for those of you that can I would say this career does not have a biological clock.  My mom graduated college at 55.

  27. 27
    jenelin

    For me the best Age to find husband is 30 above, because thats is the right way to make a plan how to build a family lifes. But speaking of ages i want my husband age 40+ or 50+ , you know why? Men is a head of family.

  28. 28
    Ana

    Idk if you were being sarcastic but a 40 year old guy can’t date any 23 year old he wants. We think they are creepy af at bars and pretty much everywhere. Upper age limit for most girls my age who don’t have dad issues is really late twenties at the most.

  29. 29
    Bright Gobka Tyler

    Facts: The average age of menopause is 51 years old . But there is no way to predict when an individual woman will have menopause or begin having symptoms suggestive of menopause. The age at which a woman starts having menstrual periods is also not related to the age of menopause onset.

  30. 30
    Dee

    Female, 35 here. Got married at 23 and was divorced by 28. Currently in a happy relationship with a 44 year old male. Neither of us want kids and I am in no rush to get remarried…ever again. Most guys in their 40s can get women in their 30s, sure, but not their 20s…unless of course they are very attractive and in excellent shape for their age…or are loaded and of high status, which tends to attract the wrong kind of women anyway.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *