Why Do Men Have Such Unrealistic Ideas About Marriage?

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I came across your blog a while ago researching a man’s point of view in dating and relationships. I read your blog religiously, plan on buying your books soon, and am trying to figure out a way to hire you as my dating coach. I appreciate your candor and approach when “giving it straight” and talk about you all the time and even refer to you as the “big brother” I wish I had.

That being said I am a 37 year old woman, who has never been married…and I think I may have stumbled across why.

It’s been my experience in dating that in having conversations with the men I date, a lot of times hypothetical scenarios come up (which I find fascinating by the way)…that I rely on to help me determine their level of maturity and readiness for a serious LTR. Most times I am left feeling cold beads of sweat run down my back with their depictions of ideal situations, glossy perfect home life that reflect none of the messy burdens of real life that marriage often comes with. I feel confident that I have a truer sense of what marriage really calls for, based on candid conversations and experiences I have had and dealt with from friends and family members who are married.

I keep thinking that I will eventually find a man who is mature enough and wise enough who knows marriage is more than having a wife who prances around in her underwear, gives bj’s on demand and cooks gourmet meals after working her 9-5. So far I am batting zero. If I sound a little cynical, I apologize but this is something I keep running into time and time again. Am I just fishing in the wrong “ice holes” or is there something I need to adjust in terms of expectations?

Thank you for reading,

Michelle

Dear Michelle,

If you change the gender and the stereotypes in your last paragraph, this email could easily be written by a man, describing women and their unrealistic expectations.

Alas, you date men. Therefore, men seem to be the ones with unrealistic expectations. If you dated women, you’d realize that this is not a gender-based observation. One of the primary reasons that there are 100 million single Americans is because everyone’s expectations are a bit out-of-whack.

Men seem to be the ones with unrealistic expectations. If you dated women, you’d realize that this is not a gender-based observation.

At the same time, I think your email is much ado about nothing. Semantics, if you will. I mean, just think about it:

If you ask a woman to describe her ideal marriage, do you think it would involve watching a man get heavy, suffer from a mid-life crisis, manage stress associated with money and children, and muddle through decades of poor marital communication built on emulating bad parental relationships? Of course not.

Why SHOULD anyone talk about this stuff, even if it’s inevitable? If you’re on a date, if you’re in a relationship, you probably want to lay out the best case scenario.

For women it probably sounds like, “We wake up in each others’ arms. We have time to work out in the morning. The nanny has the kids ready and we join them for breakfast. I go to my fulfilling job in my home office. My husband goes to his. I pick up the kids from school at 3pm. My husband is home at 5pm. We play with the kids together, cook dinner together, put them to sleep together, and then make love each night, before starting all over the next day.”

Here’s the not-so-shocking part: men have largely the same marital vision, even if you’re a little thinner and orally fixated in our fantasies.

My philosophy is that good relationships are easy. If they’re not easy, they’re not that good.

Here’s the more shocking part: this fantasy is somewhat achievable.

This is why I do this job. I’m living that fantasy life. My wife is living that fantasy life. And I’m going to continue to do my part to get people to strive for that fantasy life, instead of selling them on the virtues of suffering.

Will all men be able to make it out of work at 5? Of course not. Will all households have support in raising their children? No way. But the fantasy I described should be the backbone of what we’re all trying to achieve — a north star for people to aim for when reality gets a little bit messy.

My philosophy is that good relationships are easy. If they’re not easy, they’re not that good. With the right partner, all of this is nearly achievable. And if it means he has to make some sacrifices to get home at a reasonable hour and you have to give an extra blowjob per week, I’d say it’s all worth it.

 

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Comments:

  1. 21
    David T

    @Michelle   Thanks for posting.   I like it when the OP gets into the mix.  
    @Kiki
    I first replied with a rather long description and as memories triggered my anger and probably said too much.   Here is the gentler summary.

    We were married in 1994, and the economy was doing pretty darn well. Except for one year in a career track job in ’98, and perhaps a total of two more years temping and as an admin, and some briefly held (a few weeks here and there) hourly jobs she has not worked. I saw an email back in 2002 (?)   to her cousin.   I paraphrase: “I spent $12,000 dollars on a Kidzart franchise. Maybe that will keep David off my back about getting a job for a while. Before we were married I told David I would have a career, but I never intended to work again after I had a child.” Our son had just finished kindergarten. This is a woman with an NYU MBA who worked for 17(?) years for a major corporation.

    By summer ’03 we were facing bankruptcy and a few months from getting a foreclosure notice. This was not about maintaining a living large lifestyle. 10 yo car, a house and a few camping vacations. We had been limping along slowly falling behind further each month, with me picking up some part time teaching, working as a handyman’s assistant, other odds and ends jobs   and was starting to look seriously at bartending opportunities.
      
    We only needed $40k a year.   When I flew to California for a job interview, she skipped the food closet appointment that I had done the legwork on saying when I returned “That is what poor people do.” …. The only thing that saved us was me biting the bullet on my child rearing values and checking the “willing to relocate” box on my resumes.
      

    Without going into the all the details since our divorce, she consistently has refused to seek work that she considered ‘beneath’ her regardless of   how much our child would have benefitted from even part time low wage income. Now, 8 years later I *think* she is starting to come around, but she has fooled me before.

    I tend to be a fairly optimistic person regarding others’ motives, (this has shifted a bit over the years!) but to me this is someone who consistently refused to do whatever it took   to help provide for her child. This wasn’t about her not being able to reenter into a career path job.

    For many years after we split I put energy and hope into encouraging her, paying for career coaches, classes to update her skills, and finally I pulled up stakes because it felt like a waste of my energy and a waste of my son’s potential college savings. (Dilemma of course, because if she DID get a job it would make a huge difference). About three years after we split, people who knew us both in the community and some of her family told me I needed to stop enabling her to not work. So,   there is her story from my admittedly colored perspective. I will leave it to you to judge.

    In your case, are you generally happy? You can be happy without fantastic, and like I said there are often small changes you can make as a couple (or that each of you can do for the other) that can make a big difference. Michelle, you should remember that one too.

  2. 22
    Michelle

    Evan, problem solved?????….not exactly….;-)
    And I did buy “Why he disappeared” great information and your wife’s section truly awesome.
    Your right, rigorous answer/question sections aren’t effective in determining worthiness but it sure is effective in determining when to pull the trigger.
    It will be a difficult habit to give up, but I will try.

  3. 23
    kiki

    David,
    thank you very much for sharing your story. I see your point, and I understand now much better the situation, and why you were angered so easily.
    For me personally, I wanted to work after the children (we have two) and I took very short maternity leaves.   I wanted to preserve the double income,  loved my job, and   knew I could not afford to be absent for long to keep it. That was met with a lot of criticism from friends and relatives,saying that I am not giving enough attention to my kids.  Many people think it is appropriate for the woman to stop working after having children, and devote herself to the household, like it’s the traditional norm, and goes without saying.   My husband was supportive of me working; in fact I suspect that part of the reason he married   me (after dating 5 years of which we lived together for 2) was that he saw that I will be happily providing not less than half of our family income.
    To your question, I am ok.   Occasionally, I ask myself, is that all there is to marriage, and, when my kids grow up and leave home, will there be anything left between me and my husband? I know we have to work on it now, to create it for later. Part of my dissatisfaction comes from the fact, that I never truly stayed home with the kids, and that I missed something important, and I am so physically tired to be a supermom with a career.   My life is the kids, work, chores, and, from what I read in the occasional  articles on marriage posted by Evan, the next thing I know we will be 70 years old, he  dozing in the recliner at 8 p.m., and I sneaking out to the bedroom, in my ugly flannel pijamas, on my own…

  4. 24
    David T

    @Kiki
      
    I don’t judge you for going back to work. I had the great fortune of being part time employed those years in Denver enabling me to spend a lot of time with my young son. That was not what I set out to do, but I really loved it and was of tremendous value.   As a result I have struggled financially in part because I was underemployed for so long. Sometimes that bothers me, but not much.
      
    You enjoyed your job and the comfort of a double income.   That is a valid choice.   If   I had had a full time job, today I would be happy I have financial comfort and sometimes be bothered that I did not spend time with my son.
      
    I took what came my way and decided to be happy with I have had. You took what came your way and are troubled by what you don’t have. I am sure you still have many precious memories with your kids, and I bet they adore and feel safe and nurtured by you, but instead you think about what you didn’t have with them.

    I think part of that is because you have internalized external criticism. That is hard to shake off and impossible for most people to shake of completely, but you   can let go of a great deal of it.   Who cares what they think!
      
    I wonder if part of this is because you are running 24/7   and are Burning Out. I know major emotional fatigue changes my perspective a great deal!   Think about whether that is true for you. Total rest Away From It All does wonders for me. It is hard to nurture a relationship when you are running as hard as you are. In my past small gestures from my love made a huge difference in how I perceive the relationship. It was only in the complete absence of small “I’m thinking of you and I care” gestures and complete absence of us time that would begin to shake my faith and happiness in it.
      
    You have heard this before, now hear it again with a self assessment of your burn out state in mind. Make time for you. Make time for date night. Make time for a two week vacation part with the kids you adore, and part only you and the man you did fall in love with. Sounds like you have the means for that if your husband will help you co-create this time. Maybe you can move from “ok” to semi-blissful?
      
    Satisfaction with a relationship (and more broadly our life) is a both how nurture it and how we choose to experience what happens within it.

  5. 25
    Fusee

    @David T: Thank you for opening up on your experience and for the great advice @25. Like other female commenters, I really appreciate men’s comments, especially coming from people with more experience than I have. I always apreciated your comments, and today I understand better where you are coming from.
      
    @Michelle: I also like it when the Letter Writer comes back to comment and/or add more information, so thank you! I definitely relate to how you want to go about dating and marriage. I agree with Evan that the best way to evaluate someone’s character is through observation over a certain period of time and under various circumstances. There is no way to find out about how he treats people, his integrity, and his general way of functioning in life through a series of questions. However, there are some facts that are pretty much impossible to find out through observation (or that would take too much time to wait for them to be brought up randomly), and at some point in the relationship I think it’s necessary to start evaluating compatibility and goals more proactively. At that more serious stage, I find asking questions to open up deeper discussions absolutely necessary. That’s what I did, a mix of observation to evaluate my man’s character in action, combined with a lot of questions to find out about his values, goals, and intentions for our marriage when we were talking about the future. Sure enough, after two years together and our recent wedding, he continues to treat me with the same thoughtfulness, fairness, and humility than on our third date when we had our first “difficult” conversation. And through asking more questions, I continue to get to know him, and adjust to how his thinking evolves.
      
    On the topic of being unrealistic, as Evan said it’s not a gender thing. Lot of people have unrealistic expectations. The most unrealistic one being that we somehow deserve someone who is going to dedicate their whole life in making us happy. Happiness and inspiration must come from within. At the end of the day, this is our personal responsability as adult human beings.

  6. 26
    Sparkling Emerald

    Fusee @ 26 On the topic of being unrealistic, as Evan said it’s not a gender thing. Lot of people have unrealistic expectations. The most unrealistic one being that we somehow deserve someone who is going to dedicate their whole life in making us happy. Happiness and inspiration must come from within. At the end of the day, this is our personal responsability as adult human beings.
    Hi Fusee – I have been reading this blog for awhile, but obviously haven’t read where EMK actually said that.   Could you show me that article where he said that ?   Sometime I think the whole “Happiness must come from within” is just an excuse to treat a partner badly.   Of course, I would hope the couple starts out happy, but that inner happiness can be greatly compromised when your partner becomes indifferent to your happiness and well being, engages in destructive behavior etc.   Who wouldn’t WANT someone who cares about your happiness ?   And if you were married to someone why wouldn’t you care about theirs ?
      
      

  7. 27
    Henriette

    @Fusee26 – Congratulations on your recent wedding!   I wish the both of you contentment and ever-lasting love.   i hope you’ll continue to take part in the discussions here even now that you’re married; I always enjoy reading your insights.
      
    @Kiki7 – I knew that you were kidding.   But I think that joking about the bait & switch marriage hits close to a lot of men’s fears about women who use lies to “seal the deal:”   a fear that’s not entirely unjustified.   Maybe it’s like a guy joking that guys should tell women that they’re interested in an LTR when they just want to get laid.   It happens often enough IRL that even when I know someone’s bringing it up in jest, I cringe.   

  8. 28
    Michelle

    @ Fusee,
    I am flattered that you and others find my interaction a positive one. I try to be as open as possible so that I can learn and grow and I feel that couldn’t happen if I were to hide behind my keyboard. I asked for advice so I am willing to “face the music” whether it I can dance to it or not. I am also aware that  EMK’s “regulars” all have opinions too and I am also cool with that.
    I like to think that I approach my romantic life as graciously as you do. I don’t think I come across as Barbara Walters when having these discussions but I have always been aware that on some level my “probing” was most likely unfair as the men involved had no idea or maybe a vague sense that their answers were being weighted. That being said, I am also aware that dating is a 2 way street and based on EMK’s Why he disappeared, I can almost certainly not chalk everything up to “He’s just not that into me”. I gotta take ownership of what I did to turn the guy off. Interesting enough I am not that sorry over the guys who did disappear. Life is a marathon and too bad for them who didn’t realize that people can get better. As I am trying to. But I plan on being more fair and conscious in the future. And maybe one day soon, I can sound as syrupy in love as you and Evan. 😉

    1. 28.1
      TransientDude

      Michelle, you should post more often. Keep doing what you’re doing by making these men retreat because they can’t give you a realistic answer regarding marriage. Don’t let any commenters change your mind – you’re doing great. I wish more women were like you, because it would make life much easier for us men and plus it would weed out the boys in men’s bodies. Continue with your logical thinking. You’re doing nothing wrong and everything right.

  9. 29
    Fusee

    @Sprakling Emerald #27: Ooops sorry I did not express myself clearly. The “As Evan said” applied only to the fact that being unrealisitc is not a gender thing. He clarified in his response to Michelle that men AND women hold unrealistic ideas about marriage. The rest is mine : )
      
    Now, I agree with you that engaging in a relationship means taking serious responsabilities towards the other party. I made a commitment to make every effort to make my man feel loved and happy, and I agree with you that our partner has the power to make us feel miserable. However I strongly believe that ultimately we are responsible for our own core happiness; we must feel content about our life before engaging in a relationship, continue to manage our life carefully while in a relationship, and make sure that we maintain enough self-respect to leave any abusive relationship. Marriage does not relieve us from that responsability.
      
    Another thing that we women can be unrealistic about is the concept that we can or deserve it all. The feminist liberation gave us the power of choice, not the entitlement of having everything. Instead of being forced to become a wife and mother and being confined at home, we now have options, and we can even imagine trying several in our lifetime. However it is unrealistic to believe that we can be the wife our husband desire, the mother that our children need, and the career woman that we would be proud of all – at the same time and for many years. Trying it all without careful planning and mutual decision-making with our partner is a recipe for dissatisfaction, burn-out, and in the worse case scenario, for the man leaving.
      
    Yes, men will support the “idea” of a wife-mother-career woman, but without realizing that it will mean ending up with a roomate instead of the fun-loving date they remember falling in love with. We must be realistic about our energy levels, that there are 24 hours in a day, and that our partner should have the priority. If we can’t give him the priority, it’s best to not make a life commitment.
      
    @Henriette #28: Thank you! I’m not going anywhere : ) I appreciate Evan’s advice and all the intelligent comments I’ve read since I found his blog by chance. I hope to keep learning from all of you!
      
    @Michelle #29: Good luck!!

  10. 30
    Sparkling Emerald

    Fusee #30 – Thanks for clarifying, now I understand what you are saying, and that you combined EMK’s philosphy with your own. And also much happiness to you and your new spouse !!!!!!
    And to add to the happiness discussion, I do think that in order for a relationship to be successful, both people need to START off happy at their core. (not deleriously happy 24/7, but reasonably content with most aspects of life and self)   A relationship can’t make a basically miserable person happy, but a bad relationship can eventually wear down the happiest person on earth.   As the couple becomes more intertwined, their actions and attitudes PROFOUNDLY affect their partners happiness and well being.       Neglect, constant criticism, destructive behaviors, disrespect, etc. will wear down the biggest optimist.   Marrying someone based on that initial rush of those “love chemicals”, (which is what we did) can be another happiness stealer, because when the “love high” wears off, if the two people turn out to be incompatible, (which we were) the relationship will self destruct.   (which ours did) I don’t think the neglect, criticism & the abuse are actually something that either person intended, but when two crazy love-birds marry in lust (which we did) and then end up “stuck” with a child & mortgage with a person they are fundamentally incompatible with, then criticism, neglect, verbal abuse is the inevitable result. (others may have different results, we didn’t)   Sure some people marry in the initial rush of passion, and luck out and turn out to be compatible and happy for life, but that’s not something I will ever take a chance on again.   And if I EVER come to this board an announce that I am engaged to someone I met online last month, please metaphorically kick me in the caboose, and link me to this post !     😉   🙂 :0.

  11. 31
    Tom10

    Congratulations on getting married Fusee – I had a suspicion you did recently. Along with Karmic Equation I’ve always thought you write the finest comments here. I know your primary motivation is to help women gainer a better insight on understanding men, and how to avoid men like me, but ironically I have learnt a great deal from reading all your comments.
      
    I look forward to reading them into the foreseeable future 🙂
      
    I agree with your stance that happiness comes almost entirely from within and not from without.

  12. 32
    Sparkling Emerald

    As far as cancelling “BJ’s on demand”, how about going for “BJ’s on request” ?   Who wants to have sex of any kind when it is demanded ?  
    And I don’t care what anyone says, newly wed sex and married for 5 years, 10 years and 40 years   sex are going to vary.   Brain chemistry, aging, and major life events, being what they are, will effect a couple’s sex life, both in frequency, style,   & intensity.   I think someone (male or female) who can’t handle the ebb & flow of sex (and the ebb & flow of other aspects of marriage) probably shouldn’t get married.   I don’t think that’s gloomy, that’s being realistic.  
    However, I wouldn’t recommend asking questions such as “You’ve been married for 5 years, your wife delivered your second child the day before, so intercourse is out of the question   —   What do you do ?   Demand a BJ or go take a cold shower ? ”  
      
    I agree with EMK, it is better to get most of the answers form long term observation, not interrogation.

  13. 33
    Fusee

    @Tom10 #32: I find your comments very interesting as well! It’s been fascinating for me to hear about your goals and experiences.
      
    Clarification: I’m not trying to motivate women to avoid men like you, I’m trying to motivate women who are interested in eventually building a marriage to avoid men who are casually-minded and/or uncompatible from the get-go. If a female friend of mine were interested in dating casually, then I would totally be happy for them to date someone like you : )
      
    @Sparkling Emerald #31: “A relationship can’t make a basically miserable person happy, but a bad relationship can eventually wear down the happiest person on earth.”
      
    I totally agree! That’s why it’s critical to start happy first, and while dating, evaluate compatibility, relationship skills, and character. I did not do any of these things when I was younger, and therefore never had a really good, happy, healthy relationship despite always attracting and keeping commitment-minded men. I had to become happy, and develop marriage-related character qualities. Similarly I spent lot of time observing how my guy deals with disappointments, conflicts, and how skilled he is at collective decision-making. He nevers blames me for his negative feelings, he is always willing to reconsider his opinions, and he is very motivated in resolving conflicts fairly and quickly. This is a man I will be able to go through crap with : )

  14. 34
    Sparkling Emerald

    Fusee #34 –
    I am so happy for you, sounds like you found a real gem of a man. !

  15. 35
    kiki

    Fusee,
    Congtatulations and best wishes to you!
    Out of curiosity, how did you manage to “start happy first”?
    I have been married way too long to remember exactly how I felt before I met my husband, but I roughly remember I was miserable because the ex-boyfriend had dumped me; either way it is too late for me to change that.    But I do have   a sister and  many female friends,   who are single in their late 30s/early 40s, and the absense of a love partner makes them so miserable… it seems to be a huge reason  for life  dissatisfaction.  
    So, your recipe would be  greatly appreciated.  Thanks in advance.  

  16. 36
    Fusee

    Hi kiki #36:
      
    I just digged into my old emails as I remembered an acquaintance asking me the same question a few years ago. She had known me as pretty unhappy and wondered what I did to reach a much higher level of satisfaction and functioning a few years later. Here is a summary of what I wrote to her back then:
      
    1. It takes reaching a personal rock-bottom to end up having to make a serious change of thinking and functioning. It also takes a commitment to become happy and work at it.
    2. Create change. Whatever, but something to mark the new beginning. For me, it was radical as I decided to immigrate to the USA. I left everything behing but two suitcases. It could be more simple though: a move, a make-over, starting a new activity,…
    3. Studying the Enneagram: enneagraminstitute.com
    4. Starting a practice that has the breath as main focus: yoga, meditation, internal martial art,…
    5. Limit toxics in food, water, air, but even more importantly in what we watch, read, and the company we keep. We become what we put in our minds. Simple.
    6. Write a gratitude journal: every morning before even standing up, write three things we are grateful for. Same at night. We are not entitled to anything, certainly not a partner. Practice radical gratitude for what we do have, it’s a lot.
    7. Discover or rediscover a passion: what makes you tick? What makes you curious? What makes you feel joyful? Do it!
    8. Invest in friendships with happy, healthy, and good-hearted women. Find and nurture friendships with supportive women who will listen to our venting but who will not tolerate chronic negativity. Spend an evening with a nice woman, go on a trip with another single lady, or a married woman whose husband could use some guy time alone at home.
    9. Serve your community. My personal unhappiness was directly correlated to how self-absorbed I was. Investing time just to serve others is a good practice. It gives perspective, a sense of accomplishment, opportunity to learn about less fortunate populations, and a chance for new friendships.
    10. Spend time in communities where the focus is in collectivity. Could be a spiritual organization or any group that has a higher purpose than personal gain.
    11. Never give up the basics of good sleep, adequate diet, breathing clean air, exercise. Keep a sustainable schedule and good work-life balance.
    12. Practice looking at life as a piece of art that we create little by little. There is no perfection to reach. There are many ways of making life fulfilling, and it can definitely start by a few years of singledom.
      
    This being said, it took me a few years to practice all of this and I’m still struggling with the basics (#11) especially exercising. I started with a few things and added as I progressed. I would start with #11, 5, 6, and 8. Then add #4, 7, and 9. Also I have to add the disclaimer that although I was unhappy for various reasons, I had not experienced trauma. I would suggest that people who have to overcome trauma would get professional guidance as well.
    Good luck to your sister and friends!

  17. 37
    Lia

    @ Fusee # 30
      
    Wow!!!   Another ah-ha moment reading your stuff!! Another thing that we women can be unrealistic about is the concept that we can [have] or deserve it all.” So true and such a recipe for dissatisfaction and unhappiness.   “Feminist liberation gave us the power of choice not the entitlement of having everything.”   Great line, so true!
      
    Congratulations on your marriage and I am glad you will continue to post here.
      
    Fusee # 37
      
    Thank you for the list.   It was very interesting to read.   Looking at it I realized that I have been doing some of it already.
      
    1. I hit bottom with a resounding thud.
    2. I made a change by going back to school and started working out and eating right again
    3. Have no idea what an enneagram is, will have to look that up.
    4. Haven’t done a practice where the main focus is breath.
    5. I limit my toxins and have no toxic relationships.
    6. Love the gratitude journal idea will start that tomorrow morning.
    7. I love learning.   I didn’t know I would love my algebra class so much.
    8. Got this one!!   Love my friends, they are such an amazing group of women!
    9. We have a community dinner in my town once a week and I love to serve at that dinner.
    10. I have a spiritual group.
    11. I am eating right, exercising, doing better on sleep.
    12. Love this one.   Looking at life as a piece of art, and that there is no perfection to reach.   And I have had many years of “singledom”. 🙂
      

  18. 38
    Cinnamon Girl

    I would love to hear the over 40 year old men’s versions of what they are looking for in a second marriage.   I am by no means expecting fantasy.    I would be greatly pleased with comes home at a reasonable hour 3 days a week and really likes to get it on a couple times a week.   I cannot seem to find a balanced person to date.   The men are either so deeply into their careers that they literally have very little time to get to know a woman… so they hope for sex really early because they only have an hour or two a week for a woman period… or the unemployed with too much time on his hands.
    Any thoughts?   I thought I met someone a couple months ago but he is travelling for work constantly and when he is home he is so tired he falls asleep on my couch after working 15 hour days several days a week.
    I feel really sad I have to dump him… but what relationship?
    Is that really what is out there, he pretended to have time and balance in his life to get me interested and then went back to insane hours as soon as he thought I was going to be his.

    1. 38.1
      Paul

      Just too many women today unfortunately with their very high outrageous unrealistic expectations now more than ever.

  19. 39
    AllenB

    @Cinnamon39

    I am sorry your boyfriend misled you. I think that is the core of your post. It is what was “out there” with him, but not everyone.

    You have to carefully observe their character and assess it as early as you can.   You will still have to invest some time and energy into figuring this out.   At least he showed his colors and you figured him out now instead of two years from now after you were married!

    Trust that my ideal (but realistic) vision of a marriage partnership was significantly different from what your bf appears to want. Many good men could describe what they want, but that does not help you except to reassure it exists.   It is your job to identify the men who will give it to you, rather than lead you on with no intention of following through.

  20. 40
    Cinnamon Girl

    Thanks for your encouragement Allen.   I am interested to hear what men want in a 2nd marriage.   Older with kids is a wonderful thing, because we already have children.. is that there is no rush.. no ticking clock and we can really choose to be with each other because we want to be.   
    I was married many years to the wrong guy.   I know there are a lot of men out there who feel they were married to the wrong girl and many of them are probably wonderful guys.
    I am looking to have fun each day with someone.   I like to feel like I am being checked in on and to hear about someone’s day, even if we are apart.   I am very easygoing and looking for someone who is also easygoing.

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