Why Do Men Have Such Unrealistic Ideas About Marriage?

Happy young family of four enjoying time at their home
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I came across your blog a while ago researching a man’s point of view in dating and relationships. I read your blog religiously, plan on buying your books soon, and am trying to figure out a way to hire you as my dating coach. I appreciate your candor and approach when “giving it straight” and talk about you all the time and even refer to you as the “big brother” I wish I had.

That being said I am a 37 year old woman, who has never been married…and I think I may have stumbled across why.

It’s been my experience in dating that in having conversations with the men I date, a lot of times hypothetical scenarios come up (which I find fascinating by the way)…that I rely on to help me determine their level of maturity and readiness for a serious LTR. Most times I am left feeling cold beads of sweat run down my back with their depictions of ideal situations, glossy perfect home life that reflect none of the messy burdens of real life that marriage often comes with. I feel confident that I have a truer sense of what marriage really calls for, based on candid conversations and experiences I have had and dealt with from friends and family members who are married.

I keep thinking that I will eventually find a man who is mature enough and wise enough who knows marriage is more than having a wife who prances around in her underwear, gives bj’s on demand and cooks gourmet meals after working her 9-5. So far I am batting zero. If I sound a little cynical, I apologize but this is something I keep running into time and time again. Am I just fishing in the wrong “ice holes” or is there something I need to adjust in terms of expectations?

Thank you for reading,

Michelle

Dear Michelle,

If you change the gender and the stereotypes in your last paragraph, this email could easily be written by a man, describing women and their unrealistic expectations.

Alas, you date men. Therefore, men seem to be the ones with unrealistic expectations. If you dated women, you’d realize that this is not a gender-based observation. One of the primary reasons that there are 100 million single Americans is because everyone’s expectations are a bit out-of-whack.

Men seem to be the ones with unrealistic expectations. If you dated women, you’d realize that this is not a gender-based observation.

At the same time, I think your email is much ado about nothing. Semantics, if you will. I mean, just think about it:

If you ask a woman to describe her ideal marriage, do you think it would involve watching a man get heavy, suffer from a mid-life crisis, manage stress associated with money and children, and muddle through decades of poor marital communication built on emulating bad parental relationships? Of course not.

Why SHOULD anyone talk about this stuff, even if it’s inevitable? If you’re on a date, if you’re in a relationship, you probably want to lay out the best case scenario.

For women it probably sounds like, “We wake up in each others’ arms. We have time to work out in the morning. The nanny has the kids ready and we join them for breakfast. I go to my fulfilling job in my home office. My husband goes to his. I pick up the kids from school at 3pm. My husband is home at 5pm. We play with the kids together, cook dinner together, put them to sleep together, and then make love each night, before starting all over the next day.”

Here’s the not-so-shocking part: men have largely the same marital vision, even if you’re a little thinner and orally fixated in our fantasies.

My philosophy is that good relationships are easy. If they’re not easy, they’re not that good.

Here’s the more shocking part: this fantasy is somewhat achievable.

This is why I do this job. I’m living that fantasy life. My wife is living that fantasy life. And I’m going to continue to do my part to get people to strive for that fantasy life, instead of selling them on the virtues of suffering.

Will all men be able to make it out of work at 5? Of course not. Will all households have support in raising their children? No way. But the fantasy I described should be the backbone of what we’re all trying to achieve — a north star for people to aim for when reality gets a little bit messy.

My philosophy is that good relationships are easy. If they’re not easy, they’re not that good. With the right partner, all of this is nearly achievable. And if it means he has to make some sacrifices to get home at a reasonable hour and you have to give an extra blowjob per week, I’d say it’s all worth it.

 

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Karl R

    Cinnamon Girl said: (#39)
    “he pretended to have time and balance in his life to get me interested and then went back to insane hours as soon as he thought I was going to be his.”
      
    I don’t know about this particular man, but a lot of people (including me, including my wife, including some ex-girlfriends, including other miscellaneous friends) have jobs that we refer to as “feast or famine.” Work is either too busy or too slow. While there is a happy medium, it never stays there for long.
      
    Do you think he prefers travelling for work constantly? Do you think he prefers 15 hour work days? Do you think he prefers being so exhausted that he can’t stay awake when he’s with you?
      
    He’s doing what he thinks is necessary to keep (or succeed at) his job.
      
    He didn’t pretend to have time. He started dating because his workload had (temporarily) dropped to where he had time to date. Nobody starts  dating when they’re working 15 hour days. It’s hard enough to find time to eat and bathe.
      
    I’m not going to claim that he’s a great catch. I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone who had no time for a relationship. But I’m not going to call it deceitful to have a schedule that’s reasonable one month and insane the next.
      
    Cinnamon Girl said:  (#39)
    “The men are either so deeply into their careers that they literally have very little time to get to know a woman”
      
    I’ve had months like that. It’s not that I’m that wrapped up in my career. It’s not that I don’t want a balanced life. It’s the nature of my job, and it’s what’s necessary to keep my job. And since this is the best job I’ve had in my life (by a long shot), I’m not willing to ditch it lightly.

  2. 42
    AllenB

    @Karl R 42
      
    He’s doing what he thinks is necessary to keep (or succeed at) his job.

    He started dating because his workload had (temporarily) dropped to where he had time to date. Nobody starts  dating when they’re working 15 hour days. It’s hard enough to find time to eat and bathe.

    Karl, you can’t possibly know what this man knew or did not know about his job and what he shared or didn’t share with Cinnamon about it.

    Equally speculative, I could say he is unhappy in the relationship and is hiding out from it at work because he does not know how to break it off.   That he is gone for 15 hours a day but doesn’t spend it all at work, or is spending a lot of time surfing web and not working. That his job is always very busy, but he blew off his responsibilities for a while to have time for dating, knowing it couldn’t last.

    I don’t know any of these are true, but they are about as likely as the completely speculative scenario you outline. Nor do we know what he said to Cinnamon about what his typical day looks like, but she did believe it was different than it was. It either never came up (unlikely) or he lied, or he let her speculate. Maybe he didn’t “lead her on” but maybe he did.

    All we know is CG is not getting what she wants out of that relationship.

    @Cinnamon 41
    What men want in a second marriage is as variable as the men themselves, but you seem to want to hear so this is what one man wants. I used to want more children, now I am not so sure.   I wanted someone to bookend my days with, to share and be supportive.   I wanted to cook together sometimes, cook for each other sometimes.   I wanedt to work on some projects together.   I wanted to just be in the same house doing my own thing sometimes and knowing she is near. I wanted someone to do activities with. I wanted hugs and touches for me when I wanted them them, and to give them sometimes when I don’t.  

    I wanted a simple word or short text from time to time after I share something that lets me know what is in my life is important to someone besides me. I am only one man.Your mileage may vary.

    Some men, like Pauline just posted on another thread (read the link below) don’t want marriage. They would rather be alone and date around a little bit. Your job is to know what you want, and talk to and observe the men you date to find out if they will give that to you.
      
    https://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/dating-tips-advice/why-don%E2%80%99t-men-hate-being-single-as-much-as-women-do#comment-1019779

  3. 43
    Rose

    If he is working 15 hours a day je isn’t available for a relationship.
      

  4. 44
    Karl R

    AllenB said: (#43)
    “I don’t know any of these are true, but they are about as likely as the completely speculative scenario you outline.”
      
    Only the scenario with him blowing off work at the beginning of the relationship is about as likely as the scenario I spelled out. The other two don’t explain why he’s exhausted and falling asleep when they spend time together.
      
    AllenB said: (#43)
    “Maybe he didn’t ‘lead her on’ but maybe he did.”
      
    Are you familiar with Hanlon’s Razor? It states:
    “Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.”
      
    In short, if you have to guess about someone’s motives, it’s highly likely that the motive was stupidity, ignorance, forgetfulness, obliviousness or some other related flaw.
      
    Cinnamon Girl assumed that her boyfriend deliberately tried to trick her. She automatically assumed that he acted out of “malice”. That kind of assumption is going to get her into trouble in every relationship.
      
    Rose (#44) is right. If he’s working 15 hours per day, he’s not available for a relationship. And you’re right that she’s not getting what she wants out of the relationship. Cinnamon Girl has adequate reason to leave, but she doesn’t have a reason to assume he ever tried to trick her.
      
    Every man (or woman) will eventually do something irritating or hurtful to their partner out of stupidity, ignorance, forgetfulness or obliviousness. If you’re going to have a successful relationship, you’re going to have to assume that the act was not deliberate, -AND- your partner has to assume the act was not deliberate when you do something that hurts/irritates them.

      
    Getting back to unrealistic ideas about marriage:
    Cinnamon Girl believes that the most likely explanation for her boyfriend’s annoying behavior is deliberate deception (an act of malice). That’s not realistic.
      
    The reality of a marriage is that I can count on doing several annoying things per week. Sometimes she’ll be irritating by accident, sometimes out of poor planning, sometimes because she can only see things from her own point of view. If I get angry and start believing those actions are deliberate, my relationship will go downhill immediately.
      
    Furthermore, if she’s not equally forgiving about the irritating things I do every week, our relationship will fall apart just as quickly.
      
    I have a very easygoing relationship with my wife. It’s the kind of easygoing relationship that Cinnamon Girl wants. And one crucial piece of that is that I always assume that my wife’s behavior towards me comes from good intentions (or at least neutral ones).

  5. 45
    TransientDude

    Michelle,

    Where do women like you exist?!!! lol Wow!!! I need to find out where I can find more of this!!! lol I feel like I’m reading a post by a female version of myself. If more women thought like you most men would not be married and the divorce rate would drop to 0. As you can see from your experience most men don’t really know what they want. They talk a good game and have all the outer trappings of maturity but in reality most aren’t developed internally and are chasing fantasies.

    Reading your comments it looks like you just want a man you respect and haven’t really found that yet. Don’t waste your time dating. Just enjoy your singleness and live your awesome life.
    This way a man whom you’ll respect will come along and you’ll marry.

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