Why Wealthy Divorced Women Don’t Remarry And Men Do

beautiful wealthy gorgeous woman with pearl earrings

According to a survey of 5000 members of MillionareMatch.com, 83% of divorced men would consider marriage in the next five years, while only 32% of divorced women would do the same.

That’s a huge disparity, and while the gap is a little surprising, the findings are not.

The article on MarketWatch does a pretty good job of explaining why.  Here’s the paragraph that hit home for me:

“Why are wealthy divorced women more likely to decide to remain single? “It’s much harder for divorced males to be alone than females,” says Fran Walfish, a psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, Calif. Unlike men, she says, “a woman’s ego cannot bear to tolerate a man using her for her money. She needs to know she is loved–rich or poor–flaws and all.”

Women need to learn to respect lower-earning spouses the same exact way men do – for their character, kindness, warmth, attractiveness, and support, instead of looking down on them.

As a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women, I’ve seen this up close, and think that this is a genuine obstacle for women to overcome. I’ve written a lot about gender, money, and equality, and believe that the entire point of having money is that it gives you the freedom to marry for love rather than security. This is what wealthy men do. Male millionaires (smartly) don’t seek out female millionaires because, to them, it doesn’t matter what she makes. All that matters is how she makes him feel: appreciated, accepted, adored.

Female millionaires – despite being equal to their male counterparts – have a huge block against dating a man with less money. Where men take delight in picking up dinners and vacations for their lower-earning spouses, women become resentful that their spouses can’t carry their weight. Which is pretty silly when you are a millionaire with the means to do whatever you want. Women need to learn to respect lower-earning spouses the same exact way men do – for their character, kindness, warmth, attractiveness, and support, instead of looking down on them. Until they do, they’re going to remain single, surrounded by money, surrounded by friends, but without a significant other to share the ride.

Like many women – the risk is not worth the potential reward.

My 67-year-old mom – who I recently visited with my family – has absolutely no desire to date, despite the profession of her son. She likes her friends, her card games, her home improvement projects, her grandkids, her dinner parties, her travel, etc. Of course she does. But, in a rare moment of candor, she confesses to me that she’s lonely, and I continue to wonder why she chooses solitude over partnership. To her – like many women – the risk is not worth the potential reward.

Yet to 83% of divorced millionaire men, the risk IS worth it. Which is why those men don’t stay on the market very long. So while I really don’t judge anybody’s life choices – whatever makes you happy – I do find it curious that men are so much more willing to spend their money on partners and take the risk of getting hurt.

Your thoughts below are greatly appreciated.

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  1. 41

    This article is unfair, u r forgetting about the fact that this rich women may have very high standards and might not put up with a lot of emotional abuse that other poorer women put up with due to low self steem, this women might have gone through therapy and might not be willing to settle , which is what alot of poorer women do when it comes to men. Men need to change, be more caring and more emotionally supportive . Women are afraid men will kill them and rightly so. DIdnt you see about that man that married a woman and kill her after just 4 days to steal her money?? she was even a lot younger than him !! now, women dont do that.

  2. 42

    I think the issue is women with money date young stupid goodlooking guys with nice bodies. When i moved to a big city i noticed that when i went out i would wait for the young women to talk to me, but in a big city it’s the ‘cougar’ women that are a lot more confident who would try and get me back into bed. But as i got older i noticed it became less and less. Cougar women go after young attractive males who are the most likely to be insecure about a womans income(because i was young stupid and macho) but that’s what cougars adore an prey on.  

  3. 43
    Dr. Ed Breslin

    These posts go to show that each case is individual.   People, in general, hang their hats on too many generalities about both men and women.   Their is no magic common denominator in seeking relationships.

  4. 44

    I disagree that men are less happy being alone than women. In fact I dare say that women over 35 slowly grow more miserable and desperate as they realize time is ticking and they don’t have a man to love them. Guys just like things that make them happy and they go for what they want, whether it’s a wife or a boat. The fact that older women are spending tens of thousands of dollars on coaching on how to find a man from evan while men would only younger men tend to hire coaches for attracting women. While a lot of us want a great woman, we can live without, and many older ones have been raped by divorce have decided that long term relationships aren’t for them and will not pursue women unless she makes it very clear that she’s not like the average American woman(good luck proving that if you’ve divorced). Though I guess these aren’t the truths women need to see as such things are bad for morale and thus bad for business.

  5. 45

    Also older women especially rich ones will drop out of the market realizing that few men want them at their age, and that past 40 or so she really is more for security than him genuinely wanting her. Guess no one wants to be sugar mommy to someone their age or older and expected to treat as an equal.

  6. 46
    William Ganness

    Bullshit. They are smart enough to know that there are hardly any men out there that marry for money. And her wealth makes in impossible for her to find someone to “marry up”. Men fall in love, women want resources. She has it already. She will fool around. And we men dont understand this. We have been socialized to believe in the myth that women fall in love with us for who we are. They only want resources – it is necessary for them to bring up offspring. Thats why men dont look at women’s resources. Thats why a mans resources are his primary attraction.

  7. 47

    I usually agree with most of what you’re writing, but I was a bit puzzled here. As far as I understand you appreciate the fact that men and women are different – equal, but different. Men care more about youth and appearance than women do, women care more about confidence and social status than men do.
    It is extremely easy to angle this in a way that would make the opposite sex seem shallow simply because you don’t share their preference. Women could say that the pressure to be slim and beautiful is crazy and adapt a victim mentality, but the truth is that even though men don’t suffer from the same focus on their appearance, they suffer from other types of pressure. No gender has it easier.

    Therefore I find it a bit strange to shame women for their preference for successful and well off men. One could argue that men are biologically wired to be competitive and to want to achieve things, and his success is an indicator of his masculinity, and not less reasonable to look for than for a man to want a feminine woman. For better or worse, money is an indicator of how well you do in life. It’s not the only one, but it’s one. Money buys freedom, safety, pleasures and convenience and seeing that most men don’t exactly rely on meeting a wealthy divorcee, they will make an effort to achieve a certain level of wealth. And they can either succeed or fail.

    At 24, I completely accept the way men think and I adjust after it. Like a lot of young women, I go to great efforts to stay slim, dress well and keep my self overall very attractive. I just see the world for what it is – where your physical appearance has an immense effect of the quality of man you can get – rather than to complain about it.
    But it does piss me off when someone has different standards for women. One example is a young and attractive woman dating an older man. I can assure you she will be attacked for her choice (golddigger, whore) – the fact that he has chosen a young and good looking woman for equally shallow reasons is simply ignored – we’re just so used to it. Men will be men and so forth.

    The desire for a successful and wealthy man doesn’t have any logical reasoning behind it when you have money yourself. But that’s how sexual triggers work. Men are wired to respond to women with certain traits even though, in reality, it does not mean they will be better spouses or mothers. That women with shiny, thick hair and a perfect hip to waist ratio may very well be infertile. But we recognize and accept that she excudes a femininity that is appealing to men. And that sexual attraction matters for a relationship to start.

    Some people have to high standards for their partners and that’s okay. They’re the ones who have to suffer. Some people should lower their standards if they struggle to find someone, man or woman. But I don’t think the preference for wealthy men is an “obstacle to overcome” for women, any more than a man’s preference for attractive women is an obstacle for him to overcome.

  8. 48

    A woman’s loyalty is tested when her man has nothing.     A man’s loyalty gets tested once he’s acquired everything.

  9. 49

    Women don’t want to remarry because being the mommy of one grown man in one lifetime is generally enough for us. OFCOURSE men remarry. They get a mommy out of the deal and life becomes much easier and carefree.

  10. 50
    Beth Bradley

    You fail to mention the other half of the dilemma faced by women who are independently wealthy–a vast majority of men resent women who make/have more money than they do. That lead to two divorces for me, and since then to a lot of experience with this issue in dating. At first men are impressed, and enjoy being treated to trips or nice dinners or hanging around with celebs. But for men (more than women) MONEY is a currency for keeping score in the game of power. The one with the most, wins. Stupid but true. So in the long run, the guy tries to ‘even’ the score by picking away at the woman’s sense of value/worth subtly or not so subtly. Remarks about her appearance, her taste, her choice of a friend/s, her judgement, her ’emotionality’ or her ‘coldness.’ Basically a rude, hostile, brutish type of M.O. Finally, I don’t understand the ‘loneliness’ motive for finding this theoretical ‘man.’ I have never been so lonely as when I was married to one of these guys whose plans for the day were to take the wind out of MY sails. Never so free as when single. Now I am retired and spend the days as I like. Volunteer work, and friends, and activites and interests keep my life filled with interesting and well loved people. Although I do accept dinner dates, and enjoy time/trips with friends…I traveled as a business woman and am completely at home seeing a movie by myself or having dinner out or traveling alone. I have a lovely german shepherd, and my home is my castle. I once had a male acquaintance who told me that I should never be married, and when I asked him why he said that, he remarked–“Because you just have a kind of impenetrable certainty around yourself. There’s no vulnerable spots for a man to work his way through.” !!!! Uh huh. I’d gladly accept friendship, passion, love of a man who is as confident in himself as I am in myself. Until then, I remember the total of 37 years I devoted to two marriages, during which so-called men attempted a wrecking ball strategy to ‘break me.’ And to women who are ‘lonely,’ I say, visit women in nursing homes, volunteer for the homeless, become a hospice volunteer, visit and play with the kittens at your local humane society or animal shelter…there is a world out there that needs your special touch…that will remind you that you are fortunate, and valuable.

  11. 51

    I worked my butt off building a business with my ex, and most people knew I was the brains behind it. When the money began flowing, he decided to spend it on prostitutes, strippers, drugs, and bigger and bigger boats. In the end, I was the only one really working, raising two toddlers, maintaining the house. I was practically the only one home. Lack of physical intimacy was never our issue, we remained intimate until the end, although it did become unsatisfying to me and I made him wear a condom an no kissing. Basically, I became his “home hooker”…….. and I signed checks when needed for the business. I had to leave him to save what money we had remaining and to save my kids.

    After my divorce, I dated for six years – older, younger, gold-digging men, much older men looking for a hot middle-aged woman, and many many many men with insecurities or other emotionally suffocating personalities. I finally decided to only date men approximating an “equal” to me, defined as attractive, fit, similar income, emotionally stable, confident, intelligent, and within 5 years of my age. I am in Miami, a world of older wealthy men dating women 10, 15, 25 years younger than them. I have dated so many men that have done this over and over again and have been repeatedly taken to the cleaners by their much younger ex-wives…… and they are always stunned!!!!! Can you imagine? As I said, they do it over and over again….. some have children from multiple women, and their children see them as little more than a bank account. So, who is the smarter gender?

    And, physical intimacy, i.e. sex……… only gets better with age for most women and more difficult with age for most men.

    But, I do love men…… so……

    I say it all the time, any man that I meet has a high threshold to clear, for me to take time away from my pre-teens to spend time with him. It’s been liberating….. and a little lonely. I’ve finally met someone that I absolutely love and adore. And, so, now I struggle with the thought of marrying again. Guess I’ll ask the magic 8 ball.

  12. 52

    I think the reasoning extrapolated from the surface appearance is off in this article. Women are exceedingly generous and nonjudgmental as a rule. Very few women would have any problem paying for others in terms of dining out, participating in activities, and the like.

    The problem is that a man who cannot support himself has something seriously wrong with him as a man. For some reason our culture has tried to convince people that this isn’t true, but it is a serious red flag, and wealthy, experienced women have learned this.

    If he is unsuccessful in life, a man will either keep trying on his current path, change paths, or quit.

    A quitter who gives up the desire to support himself obviously is a problem. Changing paths can often be wise, but some people do this as a means of avoidance, another thing to be concerned about. And if he isn’t a quitter, he still might be delusional, for example a no-talent hack convinced he’ll become a middle-aged rock star, and willing to try to let others support him while he pursues his “dream”. There are many women dealing with all of these kinds of men, sadly often having had children with them as well, and having unhappy lives because of it.

    So yes, an experienced, wealthy, divorced woman is going to want to be sure that any man she hooks up with has some motivation to be a man and pursue his career or endeavor legitimately. If that is the case, and he just doesn’t happen to earn as much as she does, I think many such women would be much more open. The question is will the man start to view her as a financial resource or will he be a man and undertake management of his own life?

    1. 52.1

      Dating a man who makes less is difficult for a lot of reasons, even when you’re not a millionaire. It’s been a challenge for me (or rather for the man I was dating) when the income difference was less than $10,000/year. Kind of silly. I don’t really blame men for this nor does it describe all men. For every man who feels insecure getting serious with a woman who makes more there are many more women who dismiss a lower earning man as not a potential partner (not to mention those who don’t want the pity comments from friends and family about how she can do better).

      There might also be another explanation (and I got hammered for suggesting this in a different post). While women may want to get married far more than men do, the jury is still out on whether married women are actually happier and better off than single women, based on much of the research that’s been done. Could be because of the expectations we carry into marriage that we are inevitably let down, or it could be that despite what the manosphere promotes marriage is still a better deal for men in our society. I don’t know.

  13. 53

    Take all the money out of the equation one time and find out what you want from a relationship and if the right person has the chemistry you both are looking for,,,just go with it,its not always about wealth,,,if it is only about wealth you either don’t know what love really is or you are and will always be,,,a shallow soul.

  14. 54

    OH Bulllllllshit. Life isn’t Fair. A man that is 65 but still rich and successful can still pull a hot piece of ass, but he 55 year old woman has to downgrade, significantly. What her ego can’t handle is the disparity between what she was able to get at 16-25, and what she can get at 55. Valuable men do not want those women, and, as long as she’s getting ailimony, and had a nice divorce settlement, she has no strong incentive to go seek out the best 5’6” man with no confidence and a 6 figure salary that she can latch her talons into.  

  15. 55

    I think women give up more in marriage, particularly in later years or in remarriage, but only if they are religious.   For religious women their desire in marriage is for their husband, not themselves.   Their bodies and their time and all the final decisions are their husband’s.   They only get back what they put in if their husband loves them as they love themselves and sacrifice themselves for the good of their wife.   Women know that not all men are capable of such self sacrifice so they are puting themselves at great risk.   This risk is well worth it for a young woman who is driven with a great desire for children, but for a woman who will no longer have children this risk can prove to be too great and it prevents her from commiting to marriage.   If a woman marries with the attitude that if the marriage doesn’t work out she will just divorce and get something out of it, financially, then the man is injured more than the woman.   In my mind if a woman or man marries with divorce in mind, then there is no real marriage at all.

  16. 56

    Ach, I disagree.   I’m a confident, successful – but not extremely wealthy – business owner. I have been divorced for 20 reasonably happy years.   I was married for ten extremely unhappy ones. I have dated far more than my fair share of men. I’ve intentionally dated ugly men, short men, under-earning men, less intelligent men and men with evident emotional problems.   Because I didn’t want to remarry and all of those men are rejected by most women and thus are quite grateful to get a chance at me.
    I’ve also dated the handsome, tall, affluent, well-put together men.   Those men are accustomed to having trophies to choose from, and while they may treat me nicely for a while, they don’t seem to stick around long.  
    Now I’m 50. I’m dating someone I do not love and never will – at least, not in a romantic way.   I like him because he lavishes attention on me, so I put up with his tales of woe about his pending divorce.   There’s zero chance I’ll marry him, and at best, a 2% chance I’ll ever remarry at all. But if I did, it would be because that man was a consistent asset and no trouble in my life.   I find almost all men a nuisance after a while.  
    Like Evan’s mom, I do experience loneliness from time to time.   But I clearly remember when I was married thinking, “If he predeceases me, I’ll never remarry.”   I suspect I’m just not the marrying kind and probably never was.  

  17. 57

    If you read the posts, the men that are mad because they were duped by some woman were all with women who had nothing when they met.   Those women will always find wealthy men especially if they are attractive.   Men don’t like to date women that have money, period!   The only men who date women that have money are con artist or men trying to get the woman’s money.   The other men tend to resent the woman, as though she has some how set out to make them look bad by being a high achiever.   Men expect to be taken care of, cooking, cleaning, etc.   Most women after divorce have no desire to do this again, atleast I do not.   I want an equal partner, financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. I know what these women are saying is true.   I look substantially younger than what I am and I get hit on all the time by these wealthier men.   Once they find out my age and that I have some level of stability, it doesn’t work for them.   Example:   I was in a local coffee shop across the street from a hospital.   A surgeon on break, flirted with me and we had a short conversation.   I had been jogging so I was wearing sneakers, shorts, hair in a pony tail.   He asked if I were home on Spring Break, when I replied that I had not been on Spring Break in 20 years, he just walked away. I started laughing because I have become accustomed to this by now, but it still always amuses me.   Listen, I am no where near wealthy, I own my home, have my own business and no debts.   I was told “You don’t need a man, you are already a man”.   I was also told that I think too highly of myself??, as though I should have low self esteem and be grateful for any many who graces me with his presence.   Most men I have met over forty want someone to constantly stroke their egos, serve and cater to them and make them feel like they are the world’s greatest man, regardless of what they look like, do or say.   Oh, by the way, they want someone who is “easy”, which is code for “don’t ask for anything in return”.   I believe many are narcisist, especially those online, so I understand why woman move on with there lives.   I have too much life, energy and light in me just to be alone. Therefore I am waiting for the right man.   If I am going to stroke an ego and make him feel like he is the world’s greatest man, it will be because he is to me.   And he will gladly reciprocate those feelings to me.   DON”T LET THESE CLOWNS DISCOURAGE YOU.   YOUR PRINCE CHARMING WILL COME, DO YOUR THING IN THE MEANTIME!!

    1. 57.1
      Karmic Equation

      “…when I replied that I had not been on Spring Break in 20 years, he just walked away.”
      You missed an opportunity to flirt I suspect he walked away because of HOW you said what you said, not what you said.
      Had you said in a laughing voice and smil, “Thanks for the compliment, but I haven’t been on spring break in a looong time! Why do you ask?” I’m sure he would have stuck around.
      Don’t go blaming men for your lack of social skills when one approaches. Your anger and distrust of men obviously permeates your attitude and reflects in your interaction with them. Stop thinking that all men are bad and instead think of all men as good people. You will be amazed at how many you’ll find.
      “Prince Charming” only exists in fairy tales. Men are human beings with flaws. It is your job to find a man with flaws you don’t mind living with. And unless you’re a beautiful princess, most of whom are beautiful inside and out in these same fairy tales, you don’t DESERVE a Prince Charming even if he existed. That is what is missing in these romantic narratives for women, we all “deserve our Prince Charming” without having to put in the work to be beautiful princesses in return.  
      Why would any Prince Charming want a woman with such a bad perspective on men?
      Learn to be flirty and gracious to men by default. You’ll be amazed at how many men whom others find grating will be kind and sweet to you. You don’t have to date these men. But if you’re a real-live princess, the kind that is beautiful inside and out, you will naturally bring out the best in a man. If you can’t do that, then you have some work to do so that you become worthy of that Prince Charming you think you deserve were he to ever cross your path.

      1. 57.1.1

        Why is it always the woman’s fault when a man treats us like crap, but when a man is treated like crap it’s…the women’s fault?

        1. Karmic Equation

          Because when a man treats us like crap and we don’t leave him, that’s on us. We can’t control other people. All we can do is leave if we don’t like how we’re being treated.
          But we can control how we treat other people. If we treat other people like crap, that’s also on us.

  18. 58
    The Theme of Los Angeles

    Guys & Gals,

    I am a man in my early 30s, living in Los Angeles. I am a tall, funny, good-looking guy that works hard for his money, is well-educated, well versed in business, the arts and sports.

    I do not make a lot of money … mid-5 figures, which by Los Angeles standards is pretty much poverty.

    Having said that, I have been previously married (we married in our twenties) and got divorced 4 years later. We remained friends. We simply grew apart. While married, we achieved together in our mutual business and have struggled for some time, but when things became hard, we did not give up; we excelled. The “lack of romance” and daily life and routine eventually got to us and the “spark” left the relationship. Neither of us have hard feelings about it; we understood and did not take it for granted.

    After the divorce as I became single, began a nightmare I never experienced. First off, virtually no woman wants to remain in a relationship in LA; everyone wants to fool around. If they express they want a relationship, they make you think they are literally nuts. The expectations from a man range from: Lavish dinners, expensive trips, being fun, attentive, being constantly involved in a variety of sports, events, outings, etc, etc … as long as nothing is boring and everything is fun, and “he must be a gentleman” … all the time, and by gentleman means: Spend money on me, money, money, money till you no longer have it. That is most important.

    My last relationship where I: Cooked, cleaned, took her to lavish dinners, gave beach massages, gave gifts, put a fresh bouquet of flowers in her vase every single week, made love to her like a beast, made lunches for her to take to work, listened endlessly and did everything to make her day 100% stress-free, resulted in us splitting up because she did nothing. At all. In the meantime, she did make a bit less money-wise, but it did not matter to me. I did not count money and gave a lot because I loved her unconditionally, without any prejudice or reservations. All I wanted to feel is that I am needed, wanted and appreciated. In the end, even the term “wanted” completely dissipated out of what we had left.

    Every person I speak with in LA, tell me that women out here are nuts: Their expectations are off limits and everyone wants a rich husband and then once they get him, they are not happy.

    I always believed that it is important in any relationship, regardless of how much each person makes, for it to be a two-way street. I become disgusted if my partner “expects” me to do something, or “expects” me to pay for them. I do it because I want to out of like, love, caring, not because that is what society dictates that I should as a man. Previously I have to admit, that prior to my last relationship, I always thought that I have to be the one paying, but I realize that is simply foolish. Appreciation is key to success in any relationship.

    You have to desire the person you are with in every way – spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally. What baffles me however, is that it became so extraordinarily difficult to find normal women to be with. When I say normal, I mean: Attentive, appreciative, hard-working, caring, affectionate, giving. What is more interesting is that the more attractive the young woman is, the more selfish she is.

    Perhaps I am the only one that has this outlook, but I see it all around. I think while the 50-something year olds that placed comments on this blog are having a hard time finding someone that would want to be with them other than just for their money, I am personally having a hard time finding any young woman that is simply – NORMAL (please see my definition above).

    I truly believe the media and internet ruined the minds of so many and created so many misconceptions about love, respect and relationships. What do you think about the young generation of women? Perhaps they are all airheards with a pretty face and no brains that just want their man to be a cash register with a “Christian Grey” touch?

    Sad but true.  

  19. 59

    It’s quite simple for me. I am engaged, make a great living, and have no financial worries. Why, bc I never made committkente to broke women who were not financiall independent, who had good credit, no debt, and had money (actually more than myself in my case). To enter into a LEGAL CONTRACT, with anyone who has nothing going for them is plain stupid. Trust me guys, I met several women who tried but give all these gold diggers the Heisman and ONLY commit to women who can handle their own business and have their own assets to lose In divorce. As a man in this world, it’s the only safe bet.  

    1. 59.1

      To be honest, Boats, I think your point of view makes great sense.     I hope if my son has a good income he’ll find a partner who also has his/ her financial ducks in a row.  
      But I see that’s not how attraction generally works, for men.   Most guys I know don’t give a rat’s a** about how much money a woman has or how smart she is with it… until he’s locked into marriage and has to financially support her or they divorce and he loses much of what he worked so hard to have.   Guys are attracted to women who make them feel important and respected, and often a woman who has less makes men feel like they are more.

  20. 60

    I would never marry/date below my level of income. No dude will get a penny from me. There are plenty of guys who date women only for money/social reasons, we should avoid them like the plague

    1. 60.1
      Davis Rivas

      Thank you for proving the point of the article.

      There are many women who would only date men for money/social reason.     And yet, men are still willing to take the risk.   Because only women think about love, men just love.

      Well enjoy your cats when you’re single and pushing 40s.

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