Women Choosing to Be Single Instead of Married in Old Age

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I really didn’t plan on beating this marriage thing to death, but there have been a spate of articles about marriage recently.

This one validates something I already suspected from writing this blog for 5 years: that single women, in particular, are opting out of marriage and remarriage.

It makes sense from many perspectives. Women are self-sufficient in a way they weren’t 30 years ago. The stigma against divorce is largely gone. There are other single women with whom you can have a strong community. And there’s been an increase in people looking for happiness and being unwilling to suffer through unhappy marriages. These are all good things.

I agree wholeheartedly that it’s better to be single than to be in a bad relationship.

Because if it’s not abundantly clear from the previous Saturday posts on marriage, I’m not a dogmatist, I’m a pragmatist. I believe that marriage can and should be a positive force, but only if both parties are on the same page and willing to make the necessary sacrifices for that marriage. I agree wholeheartedly that it’s better to be single than to be in a bad relationship.

Just don’t forget who’s choosing the bad relationship – you.

Which means that you can choose a good relationship and a good marriage when you’re good and ready.

You don’t have to opt out of it for life as so many of these women in the NYT article do. Click here to read the article if you have a NYT subscription.

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

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Comments:

  1. 101
    Colette Sadeghi

     

    chris where did you get your info from the ‘old woman are past their use by date at 40’ im 49 and dating a 24 yr old as my ex who is useless in bed for 25 fucken long yrs and ignored me and made me feel dirty and wanting and I went nuts slowly form the mental shit this ‘older man’ handed out to me. I have dated much older men and men around my age and they are completely useless in bed or cant handle me ok my new boyfriend can. If we all followed your advice we would end up lonely like I was or in a mental home. Each to their own . I am unique and special and have many anxieties that screwed up older men dont understand or want to know about. After 9 months of a dating app all I got from older men was ‘Can we be freinds with benefits’ or ‘I can see other woman right?’ or ‘I dont want a relationship I just want fun’ ive heard it all. My new boyfreind who seems much older thanks to his mum and a few nasty younger woman who almost ruined his life is mature and patient and clicks with me like no one I have ever known and makes the older men which is only a few look really bad, why because they are .I have seen many young different guys over 9 months of being single and they had more energy and vibrance than any older guy ive seen . I didnt want to date younger men it just somehow happened ok and now I would not want it any other way. If it lasts great, if it doesnt its ok to. But so far its wonderful and we both seem to fit into each others life somehow and get along so well, is like ive known him for years even though its only the first month. I am a bit childish for my age but I really dont care he has made me except myself and love myself again.

    1. 101.1
      Sum Guy

      probably Colette where you got your data older men/men your age can’t perform

      1. 101.1.1
        Gala

        Personally I have dated men from 18 (when I was myself 18) to early 60ies (now that I am in my late 30ies) and anywhere in between. Personally I have observed that men who performed best in bed were the 18yo/early 20ies guys, or guys in their 40ies to early 50ies. Men hit the wall in that department in mid-50ies. And for some reason guys in their 30ies, i.e. close to my own age, have been meh. Literally, I haven’t had a single good lover in his 30ies. I think this is because of high level of stress. 30ies is a very stressful time in people’s careers. this is when you make it or break it and there will be no do-overs, like there were in your 20ies. so most people I know are stressed out of their minds, no wonder they can’t get it up in bed! The good news is, at this age I can date from 20 to 60 age range and it’s ok. Plenty of fish in the sea.

  2. 102
    Colette Sadeghi

    Thanks sum guy but my ex was iranian the worst men in the world when it comes to sex. He would look at porn instaed of me came on to my mum and was after my sister and would perve at any woman he could and flirt with whoever he could and i put up with this for 25 fucken yrs becasue i had   kids. My new guy is a kiwi like me (we are both from the same country New zealand thats why and he is way more open minded. I have found possibly my soul mate and im going to go along with whatever happens because after a lifetime of being with someone who took away my hopes and dreams and identity and self esteem and reduced me to   baby producing cook with no brain or mind of her own, this is so normal in his fucked up culture. I am being me again and I lost her for 25 yrs and have found myself again. Simple.

    1. 102.1
      Sum Guy

      Colette,

      that is so good to hear, only been to New Zealand once, loved it there and the people, the beer was good and we tried to educate each other about our respective footballs

      Kiwi’s seemed even more polite and personable than Canadians and that’s saying a lot

      your ex sounds so odd (to put it mildly) into porn hitting on anything that moves but not you…

  3. 103
    Colette Sadeghi

    Thanks nice to hear that you enjoyed visiting my great county. I have not been to canada but will be visiting pensylvainia this year to visit my freind who i met in a online game called luckywin a year ago .She is first real female freind i have apart from a few funny ones like me me i know here. Ive lived in Iran and the food and the culture is amazing but the people are a bit over the top and odd which he was. I would go again becasue its got alot of history. The thing is its better to marry your own culture if you can as its just not going to work with too totally different cultures and I know this from experiance and I would not recommend it unless you really knew what your are doing and it depends on the people involved . We just didnt match from day one but I fought against it for the sake of I loved him and excepted him and comfort   and i became him which is not good. I am now a totally different person me again.

  4. 104
    Sheila

    After realizing I’m terrible at choosing a man, I decided at 50 to live my life alone. I was miserable with a man who didn’t acknowledge me except for sex, didn’t listen and spent all his time alone. His mental health declined dramatically over the years. I don’t worry about pleasing him for supper, planning my day around his desires and being oh so lonely all the time. It’s ME time. I also have a lot of health issue which will make it harder to attract a man. Still partner material though, but no man will take away the excellent medical care I now have. Good riddance.

  5. 105
    Chris

    I am a 60 year old widow.   My late husband, the love of my life, has been gone over 17 years.   I waited seven years after he passed to start dating, but no one has EVER made me feel, emotionally and physically, the way my husband did.   It isn’t so much that the men I’ve dated and/or had relationships with have been lacking, its just that for me, personally, what is missing is the one I still love so much.   I now live alone and have been celibate for over three years.   Being well past the big M, I think about sex once in a blue moon — self sex takes care of that.   Sometimes I think it might be nice to have someone with which to share some of life’s journey, but since I am a social, involved person, I am basically very content.   Except for my late husband, I couldn’t see having to please a man, or anyone, at this point in my life.   I am becoming happily selfish in my 60s.

  6. 106
    Buck25

    Well I (and I’m sure the other older men present), have surely enjoyed Amy et al regaling us with such a detailed explanation as to why we are useless impedimenta to such a superior gender, (now that they no longer need us for money, of course; I’ve always suspected that many of you think providing for you and your brood is our sole utility, and having done that, we are now fit only for the scrap heap). I don’t suppose we should be surprised, since you consider yourselves so culturally, morally, intellectually, physically, emotionally and otherwise so superior to us poor benighted, awful males; I mean we’re responsible for everything negative in your lives, isn’t that right, ladies?   Women totally right,   men totally wrong, (and useless, to boot). Besides, every woman “knows” that any man over fifty is bald, toothless, has a huge beer gut, is impotent, flatulent, unshaven unkempt, unwashed and otherwise totally useless and obnoxious,; isn’t that right, ladies? It’s ok, really; I wish you well with your narcissism, misandry, and of course, your twenty or so cats that smell almost as bad, as well, more than a few of you. The combined aroma of urine, powder and cheap perfume is hardly oh so delightful to our noses, in case you wanted to know, which I’m certain you don’t. Sorry, just had to vent that, but I know you understand, as venting is a constant pastime of your gender, right?

    Anyway, now that we’ve been treated to a thorough (boy, was it ever!) explication of why so many of you find us too worthless to even consider dating, I would like to pose one simple question to the distaff side here. I wonder, since you profess to mostly have no interest in us at all, just why it is, that since we are left with such a diminished supply of quality women of our own age group (all the best of you having opted out, so you say), you find it so necessary to make the welkin ring with your outraged lamentations over some of us dating the few younger women who still wish to date us, for whatever reason (though I’m certain money is the only one you could possible comprehend, since apparently it was all you ever really had any use for us for)?   Now, I don’t think that was nearly so verbose as Amy has been, but, in case you want the condensed version, here it is. If you have no use for us “older men”, just why the hell do you care if some few other women see some value in what you clearly do not? I’m a bit mystified as to why you would, unless you take some perverse and somewhat vengeful delight in consigning all of us to the garbage can of life. Whatever. You know, maybe one day, if you ever turn “the patriarchy” into a matriarchy as some of you seem to wish, perhaps you can have us all euthanized at 50 (for the good of all females, of course). I’m sure you’d like that, but until then, I’m afraid you’re going to have to put up with us “older men”, ugly, uncouth and useless as you find us to be, still being out there, doing what you oh-so-superior women find so disgusting. I would apologize, but then, why should you be happy in your misandry(which this thread absolutely reeks of!) ?

    1. 106.1
      jo

      Buck25, your comments are full of straw men that seem only to serve your desire to insult women.

      Nobody ever said those negative things you write about men over 50. Many women prefer older men as being more mature, self-controlled and less likely to do riskful things. so you made up all those supposed insults yourself, and used that as a pretext to insult women’s so-called narcissism, bad smell, venting, etc. Same with your comment about women caring that other women value older men. Nobody cares about that. To each their own.

      If we didn’t know enough great older men and we took only your comments as representing that group, it wouldn’t make them seem attractive. If you read your own comments, you should see that too.

      1. 106.1.1
        Buck25

        Jo, with all due respect, those insults (and worse; those are the more common ones) aimed at older men have been posted by women on this site many times in various threads, and I am quite certain that I am not the only man here who has read them. The fact that you personally may not have seen those posts does not mean they don’t exist. These have usually but not always been “attack material” on threads discussing, in various ways, older men (as in over 40) dating younger women, which seems to   be a particular point of female fury. Interestingly, the material in question, much of it deliberately phrased to be as insulting, demeaning and incendiary as possible, has met with little to no criticism from either the females on this site, or our host here.

        Now, I see we have been treated to Amy’s extended polemic, (and an entire thread, yet) on just why so many women in the 55 and up age group have opted out of dating; (any male who dares to post a rationale for men doing the same thing is immediately pilloried here as “MGTOW”, “MRA”,   “Red Piller”, “Mansplainer” and pretty much every other epithet in the feminist lexicon). The male bashing is real, the misandry is real, and the venom is quite real. I get accused by various women here of posting “vitriol”, against women, when I’ve said nothing nearly as nasty as some of the stuff said repeatedly by women here, without so much as a peep of dissent. Apparently, some of the ladies can dish out quite a bit more than they care to receive.   Go back and read Amy’s posts on this thread, mostly rehashing her point that older men are useless to woman who now don’t need their money…oh wait, I suppose you’ll claim she didn’t really say that either, hmmmm?

        If you think I made any of this up, go read enough threads on this site, and it won’t take you all that long to find out just how real and how frequent that particular form of man-bashing is. In fact, you’ll find that you got a relatively tame version; there’s been quite a bit worse. I’m quite certain most of you would never post that scurrilous drivel, but as some women gleefully point out, upon the failure of any man here to immediately jump on male trolls who post anti-female material, “silence is consent”, so I’d appreciate at least a modest effort to call out the most egregious offenders.

        I suppose I should be grateful that the anti-male sentiments in this particular thread have been of a more civil nature. Let me ask you this, Jo, is misogyny ok with you as long as it’s “polite” misogyny? No? I didn’t think so.

        As to the few points I attempted to make,”narcissism” can be found in copious quantities in American women, on this site and elsewhere; all you have to do, is look. As for “venting”, this site has plenty of man-bashing, that when called out, is immediately explained as such. It appears to be women’s favorite pastime.. Speaking of which, I think we need a new term(let’s call it “(Wo)mansplaining”), to describe female explanations, rationalizations, etc. which upon examination make no logical sense. As far as the malodorous olfactory offense commonly called “old lady smell”, I’m pretty sure that most of you (while largely nose-blind to it, in spite of your well-documented, clearly superior sense of smell) know exactly what I refer to. I’m sure you and most women you know are unoffending in this regard, but could you maybe inform those who aren’t, that there are a number of options for dealing with the issue. I mean, after all, I’m not shy about informing my male friends when they badly need a shower, and I would simply appreciate a little reciprocity here.

        Finally, Jo, if you can’t tell that most of this is my own brand of tongue-in-cheek (albeit snarky and sarcastic) humor, I would suggest that you are taking all of this way more seriously than I take most of the bovine excrement I’ve been reading in this thread.

        1. jo

          Buck, it’s pretty clear that you don’t view this all with humor. You were asking Diane below which men responded negatively. You are the one who has responded with the most anger and insults. Not humor by any sane definition, sorry to say.

        2. Buck25

          Jo,

          You know when I get accused of lying, as in “Nobody ever said those negative things you write about men over 50” (that’s a direct quote from YOU, Jo.) I don’t think that’s funny. I think there are long-time posters of BOTH genders here, not to mention our host, who can confirm the comments in question (and worse)were in fact posted on this site, more than once, ostensibly by women, and are still floating around several threads here. Taking verbal potshots at men seems to be a popular female sport here

          And yet, here you are, accused me of lying, without an attempt at even checking it out first, because…wait for it…you didn’t like the rest of what I said, sooo, I must be a liar. Really? What a pathetic, intellectually lacking attempt to discredit the rest of what I said. Is that the best you can do, or were you just feeling lazy? I think that part IS funny, especially when combined with Amy’s little “Women are better than men at everything!” diatribe plus the remarks of her cheering section here. Insulting women in general? Nah, I don’t think so. Laughing at women like you and Amy and her female cheering squad? You’d better believe it!   As far as I can see, you’re just one more example of a woman here attacking a man for dishing back what women throw at men here on a daily basis. There’s nothing remarkable about that, not in this place. Let me see, no points for novelty or originality, no sense of humor, no particular intellectual challenge; is that the best you can do by way of debate and rejoinder? I’m afraid your amusement value to me is about done. Try again whenever you actually have something to say worth reading, like say, an original thought; or am I expecting too much?

  7. 107
    Diane

    When did Amy say she doesn’t need a man because of money? I think she said she doesn’t really miss their company.

    1. 107.1
      Buck25

      @ Diane,

      She implied it (women no longer needing men for financial support), more than once. I’m not going back through all her verbiage to find the exact quotes. Interestingly she didn’t tell us whether she’s collecting a monthly child-support check from her ex, or not, but if she is, I’ll bet she has no qualms about cashing it, “independent woman” or not.

      Just as an aside, what do you suppose would happen if a man came on here, and proudly and prominently claimed “We men are by far the superior gender!” I ‘m pretty sure I know, based on what’s happened for far lesser outrages by men here.   Evan would promptly suggest the male in question leave, and the resident harpy pack would be in full lynch mob mode:”Get the tar and feathers girls, and the hang rope too; got to make an example of this one! MGTOW, MRA-damn misogynists, ALL of them! Off to the gallows with him! Better yet, bring forth the Guillotine; we want BLOOD! Where the hell is Robespierre, when we need him? Oh snap! Robespierre was a man, one of them! Well, never mind that now, girls, we can chop off heads too, right? RIGHT!” Or something like that…

      Seen any such male reaction to Amy’s similar proclamation of female superiority?*crickets*

      You know for all the bad rap the MGTOW movement gets blasted with here on a regular basis, most of what I’ve read on this thread, (including the rousing cheers of most of the distaff set here) leads me to believe there’s a quite literal female counterpart to “Men Going Their Own Way”, as exemplified by the attitudes of Amy and her allies here. Maybe we should call that “WGTOW”? of course, there will be no condemnation of THAT here; as usual. WGTOW Good, MGTOW Bad! Oh well…

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