Does Online Dating Even Work?!

Does Online Dating Even Work?!

Dear Evan,

I was curious as to what your real opinion is of online dating. I did meet my girlfriend online, but after a year of painful struggle, meaning hardly any dates despite being educated, employed, and reasonably attractive. Friends of both genders tell that their experiences have been hard in different ways. My guy friends (also educated, attractive) complain that they get no responses and female acquaintences tell me that they get so many emails, etc, that they don’t know where to start-and often do nothing. They don’t have time to “date around” several times a week.(actually neither would I). I assume that the problem exists due to security. Women, being more vulnerable than men, are more hesitant to date online, so you get a situation where there’s a lot more men than women. Aside from my own luck and the trendy radio ads and sexy commercials, it seems as if no one’s happy.

Geoff

Dear Geoff,

Glad to hear you found someone special, and even happier that you spoke up. Most of the people that write about online dating write about what’s wrong with it. It makes sense. I mean, that’s what news is – emphasize the bad, misery loves company, etc. Turn on the TV and it’s not about kittens being saved from trees, but drive-by shootings. That doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of kittens saved from trees.

Go to one of those websites that reviews dating sites and you’ll see the same. Average review will be 2 out of 5 stars or something like that. Why? Because people who get married from online dating sites rarely get back online to post happy reviews on websites. They move on with their lives, while everyone else complains about the sites and the awful people on the sites.

I don’t deny ANYBODY the negative experiences that they’ve had. I just urge people to find some healthier perspective on the whole thing. A private client told me just this weekend that she’s quitting online dating after three bad dates in a row. Here is what I wrote back to her:

First of all, I’ve had EVERY bad dating experience you can possibly imagine. I’ve had women write me nasty emails, insult me over the phone, ignore my phone calls, stand me up, refuse to thank me for dinner, refuse to reciprocate in bed… Are you getting the idea? And yet I still run around as this super dating advocate, because I believe it is the best prospect to find someone special. If you choose to wait for lightning to strike until you go on another date with the “right” guy, you might be waiting a long, long time. Like, FOREVER.

Abstinence isn’t the answer. Mustering the courage to persevere in light of bad experience is.

Listen, you might think I’m nuts to keep on preaching positivity. That’s fair. All I know is that it’s freakin’ HARD to meet someone. We have our small lives: our circle of married friends, our work buddies, a few single people, and that’s it. And as you get into your mid-30’s, the bar scene is really old and set-ups have become a bit of a joke. While it’s nice to say, “I want to meet someone organically, where our eyes meet, so I can feel chemistry”, that simply doesn’t happen very often. This is why I believe in online dating. Not because it’s perfect – not by a long shot. But because it creates opportunity where previously there was none. My first love, in 2003, was a Filipino woman that worked in the pharmaceutical industry and lived in a different part of town. I NEVER would have met her in “real life”. But I did meet her on Nerve.com. My best friend in New York is marrying a man she met on eHarmony. My sister is in love with a man she met on Nerve. My sister’s best friend is in love with a man she met on eHarmony. I have dozens of clients who are married, engaged and in love with people they met online. And these are just the people that I know well.

So let’s acknowledge the flaws of online dating: the liars, the bores, the flakes, the crazies, the morons, the perverts, the poor spellers, and so on. These people exist offline as well. They just have access to you online. So as I see it, you have two choices: quit online dating and make a supreme effort to go to as many parties, coffee shops and adult education classes as possible OR try to find a way to avoid the worst of the online daters. The third, and most popular choice, is to quit and wait for your soulmate to drop out of the sky, like “The Secret” for love. Yeah, keep praying, people.

Your best bet is to keep dusting yourself off, learning from your mistakes, and staying in the game. Sure, sometimes you’ll get burned. But sometimes, with enough perseverence (as well as luck, timing, a good profile and a positive attitude), you’ll fall in love. And if it hasn’t happened to you yet, you can say “What’s wrong with these terrible people on these awful sites?” Or you can ask, “How can I make this work for me, despite the obvious flaws?”

You know where I stand. But I’ll tell you, all it takes is one person – and you’ll be standing right with me.

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Comments:

  1. 271
    ec

    I can’t for the life of me wrap my head around this notion that online dating is equally as frustrating for women as it is for men.
     
    I’m a tall, handsome, athletic, educated, fun 30 year old guy.  I moved to NYC in July with a woman I was with for two years.  As quickly as we moved here together (and 3 days after I turned 30 yippee!!) was as quickly as my relationship with her ended.  In attempts to pick up the pieces and move on, I gave online dating a shot as most of my friends at 30 are married, in relationships, or are simply entrenched in their lives and thus do not go out with me to meet women as much as they did when we were in our twenties.
     
    I’ve done them all – Match, POF, Zoosk, OKCupid, you name it.  My response rate after sending creative, witty openers to women indicating that I indeed read their profiles that I could certainly attract in person was probably a little less than 10%.  Actual chemistry with this group was less than 3%, which makes me wonder if we met in person if it’d be higher as chemistry is built through body language and verbal communicative interaction (tone, delivery etc.), rather than the impersonality of letters strung together as words in a text message box or email.
     
    I did get messages from women but they were probably the ones that found me extremely physically attractive.  Out of these messages, reading them was usually about as interesting as reading a comprehensive dissertation on the eating habits of Galápagos penguins (why women complain that they abhor messages like “hi” and “you’re cute, what’s up?” then send them themselves is beyond me.)
     
    In the beginning of my journey I pounded the pavement.  You’re free later on today and want to grab a quick drink after work?  I’m down.  You’re free this Friday?  9:00 – be there!
     
    Conclusion: if you’re a woman in your twenties/early thirties and are at least reasonably attractive, you’re attracting male attention offline on almost a daily basis.  And If you’ve resorted to online dating – you better have the work schedule of a CPA during tax season or just moved to a new city and are by yourself because if not, there’s probably something wrong with you.  I’ve met them all, the crazies, the druggies, the flakes, the feminazis, the stiffs.  I’ve had flings here and there, but they would quickly fizzle out because I or her would realize nothing long term would ever culminate beyond that point.  There were dates that I made out with then never spoke to me again, women who admitted they wanted to go to bed with me but never accepted a second or third date, women who said they really liked me but refused to meet me.  
     
    At this point I’m absolutely convinced 90% just want free drinks on a Friday night or are bored and have nothing to do.  They aren’t really interested in YOU, because like I said, they have many more options with guys they have gotten to know in their day to day lives.  I’ve gotten to the point where I refused to meet after at least a month of chatting on the phone.  Even then, after meeting, I was sensing that despite the foundation that was built over the phone this whole time, there was something the date wasn’t comfortable with (perhaps I didn’t look to them the way I looked in my pictures, or maybe I wasn’t who they expected me to be as most I’ve met never even took the time to actually read my profile therefore had no business in being paired with me to begin with, or maybe their guards were too far up as there is always this stigma of men online being creepy/dangerous, who the f knows.)
     
    I just remember going out in my twenties and it not being this difficult to find someone.  Despite friends and even the ex telling me how amazing I am and that I’ll find someone else as people do, the experience has been debilitating to say the least.  I’ve deleted ALL online content and now try going out albeit many times alone.  The problem here is single guy 30 alone?  Red flag he must be a serial killer! –  hence this is also ineffective.  I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that I’m 30 and will be single for the rest of my life due to the circumstances that develop for being a single guy alone despite his worth.  And it sucks knowing that your ex who while not a supermodel but was just as cool as you has found someone new via the Internet simply because her group has all the power.
     
     
     

  2. 272
    Bob

    ec is right.  I have also given up on online dating.  10 Years of trying to meet someone with it and not one relationship to speak of. I live in a small city of 15K people.  I hardly ever get responses and almost never get to meet anyone in person.  Counter that experience with one of my female coworkers who on the first day of signing up got 70 messages.  She picked the best 3 or 4 guys to contact and deleted her account that day.  It’s not a level playing field at all.  Any guy that isn’t in the top 5% of datable men will be ignored.  

  3. 273
    Oscar

    I know that for a lot of people online dating might seem terrifying. With shows like catfish and hundreds of other online dating horror stories its no wonder why people are still so skeptical. I’m not saying you’re being stupid for going off of those experiences but like anything you do, there will be good times and bad times. I have not been using online dating for that long but I have been lucky enough to have had good experiences with its so far. I’ve talked to a lot of people and gone out with 2 great girls in the past year and I’m currently hitting it off pretty well with a third. Just like dating in real life, you have to learn how to pick out the bullshit. If its a dating site where people write small bio’s then read them, get a feel for the person. Then you give them a hit and hopefully, if you’re lucky, they’ll find you interesting as well. The great thing about online dating is that it can prevent you from moving too fast. Since you’re not actually meeting the person then there isn’t that whole nervous moment of overthinking everything and hoping it goes well. You have no idea how much better it is to be able to talk to a person with no pressure and get to know them. And if this keeps going and you end up going out you know its because you find this person genuinely interesting. Its still scary because they could be different in person but don’t we all have bad date experiences with people we have totally different impressions of. Its just life. All this being said, like any other dating situation you should approach this with caution and be respectful. Be nice to the people you talk to and don’t just use it as an experiment to see what cheesy and inappropriate opener you can get away with. No some take aways to wrap it up. Online dating allows you to get to know the person without having to actually meet them so you can judge if this is someone you’d be interested in. It’s easier to be relaxed and really put yourself out there and be hones with the person. You can talk to multiple people! Dating sites don’t lock you down to only talking to one person at a time. You can still play the field form the comfort of your home and meet a lot of potentially great people. Maybe the next one will be THE ONE. Do yourself a favor and give it a shot! Happy Hunting!

  4. 274
    Beep

    Online dating is not for everyone. It depends on your personality, and quite frankly on your desperation level.
    I have tried it in the past, and I lack two things that a person needs to persist with it: 1. patience (weeding out weirdos, making the same introductions over and over and over, boring dates, etc.) and 2. money. It must be pointed out that ONLINE DATING IS A BUSINESS; it’s goal, as far as the CEOs are concerned, is not to find you a marriage partner. It’s to keep you “in the game” — i.e. a paying customer.
    Also, while meeting a potential partner offline is truly a waiting game, and requires more than a bit of luck, the connections are more natural, in the sense that you get to see right away if you are attracted to the person or not. Body language, style of dress, personal hygiene, actual age and height and more are all revealed in an instant. So many aspects factor into physical attraction that it’s foolish to assume that a picture on the internet will yield the same result. You have to meet that person and take a chance, and 99% of the time it will be a waste.
    If you have the time to waste in that regard, then online dating might work for you. Unfortunately, there are many people like me who do not. Also, I do not have the hundreds of dollars it costs in the long term to feed into these online dating businesses, and I am not alone in that regard either. You may suggest free sites to counteract that, but this is where the phrase “buyer beware” comes in — free sites can be crawling with pickup artists trolling for one-night stands. OK Cupid is one such example.
    And even if I disregard that, I still have to invest a lot of time sifting through profiles, studying photos and composing emails. I also have to worry about being in a guy’s “rotation” — those men (and I imagine there are women who do this as well) who are dating multiple women at once, most likely because they are overwhelmed with choices, maybe because they haven’t dated in ages. Yes, most happily married people are not reporting back to the internet about how happy they are with their spouse whom they met online. But the large amount of complaints suggest that the system is simply not working for the majority of us.
    Really, the problem is that our society doesn’t encourage marriage. But that’s another story for another day.
    And there’s the patience issue. Burnout comes quickly with online dating. Now mind you, I don’t have a time frame for meeting a potential partner, but it’s the very act of doing the same thing over and over — reading profiles, reading and composing messages, telling the same stories on dates, meeting a lot of bland and boring people, to name just a few issues — with no guarantee of hitting pay dirt, that makes it frustrating and boring.
    I took a break from online dating, tried it again a year later, and found that the same issues reared their ugly heads almost instantly. Case in point, it does not work for everyone, and this should be noted.

    1. 274.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Or you can stop complaining and learn how to do things better.

      Just saying.

      Everything you wrote is glass half-empty and ignores the bigger picture.

      Let me dissect your post quickly.

      1. Being proactive isn’t desperate. It’s smart. Your way relies on luck. My way relies on skill and perseverance. Your way, you may get 5 “organic” dates a year. My way, you may get 50 of them. Will they all be winners? Of course not. But if you pay attention to the link above, you’ll see you can avoid a lot of bad dates just by being a better screener.

      2. Dating sites are not trying to keep you in the game. They’re trying to facilitate meetings. Their BEST publicity is when people get happily married, not when people complain. It’s like saying Gyms want to keep people fat. Not true. They provide resources to lose weight. The rest is on you. I’m saying this as a guy who worked at a dating site and as a dating coach. Do you think my job is to give bad advice to keep people single to pay my bills? Of course not. My job is to get women happy – and if they’re happy, they’re gonna tell their friends about me – even if it means I lose a married woman as a client. Your way is a cynical conspiracy theory. It’s not the trusth.

      3. It’s not a waste to go on an online date 99% of the time. One study said that people met boyfriends on average after 12 dates. In my experience, it was closer to 30 dates. But so what? If I go on 30 dates in 6 months, I may fall for someone twice a year. Your way…well, you know how it’s going.

      4. Between 1/5th and 1/3 of all marriages start online. Kind of hard to tell those millions of people that online dating is a waste.

      5. Time: go to a bar for three hours, buy two drinks and smile. You may or may not get a guy to ask for your phone number. Go online for 3 hours and correspond with 10 guys. One of those guys is asking for your phone number. And it’s $25/month, not $50/night. Your math isn’t working, my friend.

      6. Society absolutely encourages marriage. There are hundreds of complaints from readers on this website who are angry at how much society encourages marriage. Kate Bolick just wrote a book called Spinster that talks about the same thing. I don’t judge you if you’re not married, but this is a marriage oriented society.

      7. Burnout comes quickly with online dating – if you don’t know what you’re doing. Try clicking here and letting me know if you learn something. I think you will.

      8. There’s no guarantee of hitting pay dirt in online dating…which makes it no different than anything else in life. Seriously, what, in life, is guaranteed?

      9. Of course online dating doesn’t work for everyone. And not everyone is a millionaire. And not everyone is creatively fulfilled. And not everyone lives in a nice house. And not everyone is satisfied with her lot in life.

      I’m suggesting you do something different. You’re suggesting you’re doing just fine. Keep at it, my friend.

    2. 274.2
      Karmic Equation

      Don’t be so judgmental of OLD, beep. That’s probably the biggest reason whey you failed at it. Because your inner dialog said that only the “desperate” date online, you didn’t want to succeed at it, because then you’d have to reveal to all your friends that you were “desperate” if you actually found love online. Confirmation bias is more than just looking for information that confirms our world views, it’s when we do (or don’t do) things to ensure that our world view stays intact.
       
      I always looked at OLD as a way for me to meet men whom I would never normally meet IRL. I met a buyer who was in charge of a billion dollar budget for a national chain store. I met a globetrotting sales manager, originally from Holland. Sexy as heck. I met a cute and sweet ironworker. I met a modern day hippie who goes to dance camp in the Catskills every year. I met a patrolman with the sexiest voice ever. All interesting people whom I would NEVER have met had I not online dated. Sure, none of them turned into committed relationships, but so what? I learned to be a great date. I learned how to have fun dating. I learned how to read men better than I already did before. I dated 5 men in my 20s; I dated 30 in the last 2 years. So yeah, OLD is a GREAT way to meet potential love interests. Of course, I met duds, too, but I still had fun chatting and getting to know them. And I learned how to say no to 2nd dates nicely.
       
      That said, I told my best friend that most likely the next guy I have a relationship with would be from IRL, not from OLD. I was right. Why did I think this? I was dating for “cute” not “committed”. Guys online who want to give commitment aren’t as cute as the ones who don’t. It is what it is. In OLD, I’m a small fish in a big pond. IRL, because I spend most of my spare time in pool rooms, albeit with the same group of male friends, I’m a big fish in a little pond because very few attractive women spend their spare time shooting pool. Moral of the story? Learn to shoot pool. haha — Seriously, even if you don’t meet any eligible men (many men who hang at pool halls are married or retired or both) — you’ll discover that there are a lot of good, commitment-oriented men out there. It’s just that they’re already married. lol
       
      I was lucky that the new cute guy who started shooting pool at my local pool hall in the winter took a liking to me and now we’re a couple who just traded house keys. Now HIM I would never have found online since he doesn’t even own a computer.
       
      I think you should date both ways, IRL and OLD. But follow Evan’s advice on how to do it online if you’re looking for a relationship. The WORST thing you could do is to give up OLD, particularly if you have no other avenues to meet new men.
       
      If you’re just looking for fun, well, I can advise you in this post on that 😉

  5. 275
    Beep

    Evan, your response misses a few things. For one, you failed to address the money issue that I brought up. That is a very real factor. You even posted a link in your response that urges people to buy a product! I had to laugh at that. If I can’t afford hundreds of dollars for online dating, how can I afford to buy anything you are selling?
    Also, your post assumes that I want to go on many dates, with the idea that the more dates I go on, the more likely it is that I will meet a partner. This cannot be further from the truth. The theory that dating is a numbers game sounds like a business tagline to me, but even disregarding that, I don’t care about the number of dates I go on – I care about the quality of the date. I want to be attracted to the person I’m going out with. I want to know more about him. For me, this attraction starts when we meet in person. It has never begun online.
    There are other issues with online dating as well. An article I read described the men who advertise their availability on the internet as a stomping ground for perverts and the socially inept (I’m paraphrasing there). I have found this to be true. While you may claim that you have a system for avoiding these types, I cannot afford to pay you for that system.
    Karmic Equation, I am very happy that I stopped dumping money into online dating businesses. I do not feel that is the worst thing I could do. I am not desperate for a partner – which, I believe, is what one has to be in order to sift through dating profiles, go on many bad dates, and pay money to meet people, most of whom you will not be interested in. And I do not have the patience for it. As I stated before, online dating is not for people like me. It is not for everyone.
    Evan, the statistics you site about online dating and marriages might be inflated. We have no way of verifying them independently.
    Also, you say that there’s no guarantee of anything in life. That is true, so why waste money on something that offers no guarantee of success? This is what I mentioned in my first post. I can see trying it; that makes sense, but to continue to persist without guarantees is ridiculous from a financial standpoint (as well as a common sense standpoint).
    I disagree with your opinion that society encourages marriage. So the best we’ll get there is to agree to disagree. Also, my way is not cynical or a “conspiracy theory.” Online dating is a business; you are paying for a service. Businesses do not like to lose clients. Many who quit online dating end up returning to it, all for the chance of meeting the right person. The idea that we have a chance is what keeps us paying. It’s logic and business. No conspiracies here.
    And yes, I am doing just fine! Which is exactly why I don’t do online dating anymore! I think, if you really want to help people, you might want to add the caveat that it is possible to meet people without the internet, and that for some people, it might be preferable. Again, it isn’t for everyone, so it isn’t wise to push it as the best solution for every person.

    1. 275.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      1. The money issue. Match is $25/month. Go out ONE night and you’ll spend more. I mean, I guess you can go out to a bar and order water, but really, ‘real life’ costs money.
      2. You can’t afford to spend $197 to find love. That’s fine. I was offering you a resource to help you. If you choose NOT to learn how to date online better, you cease having any authority whatsoever to talk about how online dating is failing you.
      3. Yes, in fact, if you go on more dates, you will have a greater likelihood of finding love. My system shows you how to screen men before a date. Did you click on the link to the TED talk? It’s FREE.
      4. People online are the same as people in real life. No better or worse. Same people who you see in line at the bank and on the bus and in the mall post profiles on dating sites. So to suggest its a haven for perverts? Um, no more than real life. Wherever did you get the idea that there’s a separate subset of deviants who date online? I dated online, my wife dated online, my sister met her husband online, my wife’s friend met her husband online, my best friend met her husband online… so really, I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.
      5. You have no reason to think my statistics are inflated except for the fact that you don’t want them to be true because if MILLIONS of people find love online and YOU don’t, it would imply that the fault isn’t “online dating” but you.
      6. Your argument about “wasting money” on online dating because it’s not guaranteed really indicates to me that you have no grasp of logic whatsoever. Why “waste” money on a restaurant if it’s not GUARANTEED that you like the food? Why go on a plane when it’s not GUARANTEED you’re going to land? Your argument is silly.

      As has been your entire line of thinking. Finally, your last line: I’m not sure why I would need to remind people that “real life” exists outside the internet. I think every single reader here knows that they can meet “in real life”. That’s not news. But if they’re reading my advice, they’re probably NOT meeting people that way. That’s why I help people date online.

      Now get out of here. You’ve wasted five minutes of my life having an argument akin to the kind I would have with my four-year-old.

  6. 276
    Ralph

    I think the responses here are very amusing and have a lot of entertainment value. I’m an older guy who basically gave up a real sense of finding someone long ago. I let myself go physically when I got to be 60, because my job was too taxing , and it was too much work frankly. I still get some exercise when I can, but I know I am not attractive to someone who is in shape. The cards are stacked against us, and I am really not attracted to women my age. For one, they rejected me for years when I was really interested in finding someone because I was not the superstud, high-achiever guy with the hellagood hair. I go to strip clubs if I really get the urge for human contact, and I talk to people at work and in public when the opportunity permits. I have occasional dates with women who are either desperate for anyone or reject me when I don’t fit their criteria on the first date. Most American women have an inflated opinion of their true value in relationships based on what they have been conditioned to believe over the years

  7. 277
    Violet

    I found success online and know two other couples who did too. One of my successful friends is a guy – his girlfriend has a child, but she’s amazing in every other way. Absolutely beautiful. Her boy is sweet too and has embraced him as his father.

    I was on Match for less than two months before I found him, and one of those months I was dating someone else so didn’t go on the website at all. Maybe we just got lucky, but here’s my story if it helps anyone or gives anyone hope:

    I had about three paragraphs about myself on the summary. I had filled out the other parts too. I am Indian, very, very short, and agnostic so I guessed that it would be hard for me to find someone who is okay with all of those qualities (I live in the South). I also earn a lot so was looking for someone who earns at least half as much. Age: not yet 30, and I look young for my age. (People have told me that I can pass for a college student.) Attractiveness level: my boyfriend thinks I’m hot stuff, but he says I look a lot better in real life than I did on my profile (he says I looked amazing on there too, but love is blind).

    Like many women, I got a lot of messages, but it was easy to sift through them to find the ones I’d actually like person. I messaged back and forth with about six guys (after dating a guy for a month) so total: real conversations with 8 men in less than 2 months. In person meetings: 3 men. He was the third person.

    He says he knew I was the one on our first date. (He’s pretty romantic.)

    His stats: average height (< 6 ft, thank God; I’m too short for a 6 footer), salary 70-80 thou, age: mid-thirties, extremely good looking, hotter than any guy I’ve crushed on (My friends and family think he’s a looker too.), and a god in bed (haha, I know that’s not something anyone puts on profiles, but I’ve gotta brag.)

    It probably sounds too good to be true, but I think being in love always feels and sounds too good to be true. We’re a new relationship so I can’t give you all any reassurance of it being long lasting, but we have met each other’s family and friends, and he tells everyone that he’s going to marry me. He would have already proposed if I didn’t want to wait at least a year (make sure it really isn’t too good to be true). We talk about our future children and our lives together. It’ll happen. And I think it’ll last.

  8. 278
    Mike

    I started using dating ads last year when I was 70. I’m slim, fit, intelligent and not broke.  No reason to lie here.

    Initially I got quite a few messages and met six women. I assumed therefore that there being so many people on their own that dating ads would be a nice thing to do and fruitful socially. Two were very good company and we got on really well meeting a first time and both said they wanted to meet again.  The problem is fear about the second. They think they’ll be committed to sex. So they thought about it and avoided it.

    Since then it’s dried up. Hardly any replies or messages. I’ve now concluded that there are only a tiny number of older women actually willing to meet and you soon drain the cup. Most just want flattering attention by people asking after them. They quickly find excuses after they’ve got their hit of reassurance that people like them. None of them will admit it or how few messages they actually get. Some of  the excuses are amazing.  This wrong that wrong.  Us men appear to be a vanity service for women not the other way round as usually claimed by females.

    All this is about older people using ads of course.

  9. 279
    dube

    A few words of advice about online dating:
    1. Posting pictures on your profile is paramount.  But unless people viewing your profile are interested in photography, they are only interested in pictures of YOU.  They are NOT interested in pictures of your family, pets, vacation, etc.(unless you’re in these pictures) so don’t post these kind of pictures. 
    2. If you make a date and want to break it later, have the decency to call the person on the phone.  Only cowards break a date by sending an email or a text message. Also, don’t act like a real jerk by either completely avoiding any contact with the person….that is, not calling them, not answering their phone calls, and not returning them……., or waiting until they call you before you tell them you can’t keep the date. Again, have the decency to call them, and call them when you know you’re not going to keep the date.
    3. If someone sends you a message on an internet dating site, and you’re NOT interested, DON’T reply.  Sending a reply will probably entice the person to keep sending you more messages.  Also, don’t say something stupid like you already have a boyfriend or girlfriend.  It’s not believable….if that’s really the situation with you, then why are you on the dating site?
    4.  Post the CORRECT city and state where you live in your profile.  It sounds simple and common sense, but intentionally posting an incorrect city, state or country does happen. When you tell the person you live in another place, it’s not well received, especially if you live in another country, believe me.
    5. If you receive a call for the FIRST time from someone you’ve given your number to, and you can’t talk to them at that time, then YOU should take the initiative to return the call.  DON’T tell them to call back.  They made the call, and obviously didn’t know it was a bad time for you to speak.

  10. 280
    Dana

    I’ve been online dating for a year.  I’m an attractive, slender 34 year-old, make over $100K, well-educated but travel a lot for work so it’s hard for me to meet men.  I’ve never been married or have children.

    I get a lot of emails from men who make half as much as me and even more from men that were previously married with children even though I specify in my profile what my criteria are.  Yes, I’m looking for attractiveness and income, just like you are even though you don’t have the guts to admit it.  No, I’m not lying about my stats and I don’t want to feed someone else’s children and have them resent me for being their potential step-mother when the reality is, they probably will never love me as much as their real mother even if I end of paying $80K a year for their college down the road.

    Bottom line  – we’re all looking for compatibility and it’s really tough to find these days.  In previous decades, people weren’t looking for equals, they were looking for marriage.  These days, we have more accessibility to what’s out there but…if we didn’t have criteria, we would just hop with anyone we met at the bar or the supermarket or wherever but because we’re looking for compatibility, it seems that what’s available on dating websites is exactly what you find at the bar.

    1. 280.1
      hunter

      ..to sum up, you could get married right now, if you dropped all of your requirements….

       

  11. 281
    OnlyWorkingClass.com

    it’s always best to write your quality profile and also what you are looking for.

    Simple put, if you had a Chanel bag would you put sweet wrappers, squashed chewing gums, etc inside.? So, quality profile matters a lot.

     

    Research has shown there are lots of matured singles out there.

  12. 282
    Stuart

    A simply amazing and enlightening Blog

    Actually , the Boston University study I saw suggested that ‘success’ (defined as just meeting someone and hanging out, not marriage or intimacy ) was only about 1 in 350 people find online dating success

    half of all people never had a single date

    Only the web owners were successful

    1. 282.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      No way. Show me that study. It’s next to IMPOSSIBLE to get online and not meet someone. The only way one could do so is to have a terrible profile, write god-awful emails, or reach out to only 10s or people who have no interest in you demographically.

      Furthermore, if 1 in 350 people find anyone to “meet” online, how is it that 1/5th to 1/3rd of all marriages start online?

    2. 282.2
      DeeGee

      Evan said: “It’s next to IMPOSSIBLE to get online and not meet someone.

      I agree with Evan.
      I live in a small city in the middle of nowhere in western Canada.
      I have met a few women on OKC and got together with them for a coffee date etc.
      Unfortunately things haven’t worked out romantically with any of them, but I still met some, more than I thought I would.

  13. 283
    Stuart

    Evan ; here is the study I referenced
    Online Dating Study Determines Users Have Only .03% Chance of Finding Lasting Love

    CHICAGO  –  Many people will agree that scouring dating websites looking for love can be frustrating.  And now a group of U.S. psychology professors released a study on Tuesday exposing that the dismal results are not worth that frustration.
    “Online dating seems to offer the promise of unlimited opportunity for singles to meet.  But the reality is that the long-term success of these pairings is about .03%,” study author Sal Stein, a professor of psychology at Brighten University, said in an interview.  That is about one third of one percent.
    The study defined “lasting love” as any relationship that resulted in long-term dating of six months or more.  For every 350 dates that were set up online, only one led to relationships that lasted to the six month mark.

    In comparison, meeting someone through other means, such as family, friends, work, school or at a bar resulted in a 29% chance of long-term dating.  That is nearly 1,000 times more successful than a dating site connection.  And it shows that there is no substitute for meeting face-to-face.
    Stein also explained that there are significant problems with online dating.  Foremost, people are overwhelmed by seemingly endless lists of profiles.   Second, these profiles are often filled with misrepresentations.
    When there are a lot of choices, people think of their matches as readily disposable.  After a couple of dates someone who frequently uses online sites is likely to dismiss a possible mate in favor of someone new from the bottomless pit of possibilities.
    The investigation also revealed that online profiles contain substantial embellishments.  “People lie about their height, financial success and also say that they are younger,” Stein stated.  This leads to disappointment and mistrust.
    Online dating regulars tend to be unrealistic in their expectations.   Stein explains, “these men and women think that they are more desirable than they actually are, and that they rate better looking matches than they are getting.  Reality never hits them the way it would at a physical venue.”
    The bottom line?  If you are single and looking for love, you should head out to a local bar or ask your friends and family to match you up.  Do not look for your next date on the internet.

    1. 283.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      a. This “study” doesn’t actually link to a study. It links to something called SkewNews, a site that hasn’t posted anything since 2013, and most recently shared an article called “Zombie Attack Hits 15”.
      b. I Googled Sal Stein, Brighten University and didn’t get anything…except this article. Sounds like maybe the guy isn’t real, and therefore, the study and the article might not be real either.
      c. I don’t know why I’m bothering to refute a fake article on a fake study by a fake professor, but, here’s something from Pew Research (slightly more credible) that suggests that fully two thirds of people have gone out with someone they’ve met online.

      And another (real) study indicates that while nationally, only 5% of marriages began online, in the past decade, 35% of relationships started online, including 17% from online dating sites.

      In fact, the latter link indicates that twice as many marriages begin online instead of a bar, which makes a lot more sense, logically. Because there are 1000X more people on your dating site than in any given bar at any given time. So will you have greater odds of meeting someone in a bar? If you’re cute and you have confidence and you approach one of the five attractive women there, sure. But between bar-hopping and online dating, my friend, your odds of meeting your significant other are much greater online. You know: if you want to believe things like Pew Research and US News and World Report as opposed to SkewNews.com (defunct).

      Oh, and finally, all the critiques of online dating – the endless choices, the disposability, the lying – I’ve written about all of them on this blog repeatedly since 2007. And yet I still have thousands of clients who’ve fallen in love online…and far less who got lucky in a bar or after a set-up. Sounds to me like you’d be better served by learning to date online than in complaining that online dating isn’t working for you. Will you listen to an expert who is offering you (true) facts and (free) advice? That’s up to you.

    2. 283.2
      DeeGee

      Stuart said: “you should head out to a local bar

      This might work some places, but not where I live.
      Go to a local bar and get a bar-fly who needs her shots (not the booze kind either)?  No thanks.

      and said: “or ask your friends and family to match you up

      The last girl I had my family set me up with, she had a psycho ex that no one told me about, who took a crowbar to my car and totaled it.
      That relationship ended fast.

      It might just be my experience but in the past few years I have done better with online dating, but I will agree that a few of the women posted younger thinner pictures of themselves.

       

  14. 284
    Stuart

    Hi Evan

    thanks for the feedback on the article I sent

    I’m very glad it , and I am both wrong about the abysmal #s with respect to meeting on line

    Hope springs eternal

     

    Stu

  15. 285
    Mike

    I’m not clear about what constitutes a good profile. Is it one which ‘keeps things light’ – eg “I like meals out, travel, nature” which basically tells you zilch or is it one which reveals a bit about you as a personality? It may be that different people respond in different ways. Some like one some like the other. Most people seem to opt for writing the first.

    My idea is that you have not a clue who you are meeting until you do so just meet and see. Unfortunately and in my experience, most women want to be sure in advance which is impossible in view of the spin people use. I also think that there are no points given for honesty in view of the fantasy element people project onto online dating. Not by women anyway.

    Luckily for me I have a private jet………..

     

  16. 286
    Russell

    Guys always tell me I’m attractive, but I’ve been on online dating sites for like 3 years and I’ve barely even talked to any girls. I’m pretty sure I’ve messaged every girl in my area and far less than 1% of women have responded to me. The very few girls that have replied were extremely unattractive.

  17. 287
    Danny

    Online dating is all bout your pictures and what you look like.  You can say on your profile that you eat babies on Christmas.

    The bottom line is that online dating works for only highly attractive men.  (yeah I said it )

    But even below average women can get a date online.

    1. 287.1
      hunter

      …online dating is a haven for women…so I am  told…

      1. 287.1.1
        Karmic Equation

        For attention yes. For sex yes. For relationships?? Probably only the very good looking ones.

        I’m not photogenic. I posted the best picture I had into my profile. Wrote to a few men I found attractive (and way out of my league lol). No response.

        Had professional shots done. They were disappointing. Did not use them.

        Then on the same day, since I overdid my makeup knowing cameras washes makeup out, I took some great selfies.

        Posted those. My inbox exploded. I then re-messaged those men I considered out of my league. I believe all replied.

        And “haven” is not accurate. You do have to reject a higher number of men, either directly with a reply or indirectly by ignoring their messages. As a nice person, I didn’t enjoy rejecting them. Also, you can get some inappropriate messages too.

        The caveat is that for the “average” women, who may get a lot of attention from men “above” her league, she has to be more careful about her screening, to make sure that the guy is really into her and not just trolling for sex. For the insecure or less-than-self-aware, average woman, I think OLD would not be a “haven” as she’s going to get her heart broken more often than not by disappearing men.

        1. hunter

          Karmic, please, there is but one simple, two letter, very powerful word, women need to say…..”no”……

        2. Karmic Equation

          But a lot of average women don’t have the opportunity to practice that.

          The more people who try to get in your pants, particularly the good looking ones, the more opportunities she has to practice saying no and meaning it.

          Do you think Susan Boyle would turn down sex with George Clooney if he presses for it on a date? She might think, “OMG, finally, a good looking man who thinks I’m great!” as opposed to the reality, “He just wants sex and I’m here.”

          Attractive women have regular practice saying “No” to attractive men. Average women don’t get as many opportunities to practice saying “no” and, thus, are less likely to say no when they should.

        3. hunter

          …Karmic, yes, it is about educating these women…..

    2. 287.2
      JB

      It’s not JUST your pictures and what you look like. Height/Education/Job Title all play prominent roles in men’s online success. Where as most men could probably care less about those 3 things when reading a woman’s profile. Oh well……….. don’t hate the players, hate the game.

  18. 288
    N

    I’m NOT photogenic, not blond, very petite at 5’1″ 95 lbs. I get pass by those looking for blonde statuesque. I’m Eurasian, 50% Asian, the rest is French and Castillian Spanish.  My main photo was at a wedding wearing simple cocktail dress, I did my own hair and my own make-up which turned out to be blah. The rest of my photos are cropped low-quality doing outdoor activities. One of them was showing my 6-pack so they (men who messaged) say. My profile was blank.

    The response. Everybody wants to meet now. If you can’t meet right away they disappear. The grass is always greener on the other side mentality I suppose. No one sent inappropriate message. My thoughts, it is overwhelming, time-consuming at best. One must be willing to do the work of weeding through. And once you meet them for quick coffee, they want dinner on the same day! Or they are alluding to “I should not be online and meeting other men.” And for men, it is a numbers game IMO.

    My take, OLD is another tool to meet people. Take the good and leave the bad. Cheers! 🙂

     

     

     

    1. 288.1
      hunter

      ..”one  must do the work of weeding through,”……I’ve been told some women are too lazy to even do that!….it is so much easier to stay single…!!

  19. 289
    snowy

    I just wanted to say that online dating isn’t this “thing” that either “works” or “doesn’t work”…. it’s just one way to meet people you wouldn’t otherwise meet.  It’s like saying, “does meeting people in coffee shops actually work?”  “Does meeting people through friends of friends actually work?”  “Do blind date setups actually work?”  These are all just different ways to meet new people.

    I met my husband online on match, just got married last week.  I was single for several years in my 30’s while working at the same job, hanging out with the same (married) friends, rarely meeting new people despite my very proactive efforts to ‘put myself out there’ as much as I could in my free time… I just never would meet anyone single and interesting and ‘putting myself out there’ was so much effort (spending my free time in coffee shops, joining sports clubs, etc).  Yet I still totally didn’t want to do online dating.  I would come to this site, and others, and read about all the pros and cons.  I finally decided to just try it alongside my IRL efforts.  I agree that it only takes one… as as long as you can afford the monthly fee for whatever dating site, there’s not that much to lose, yet so much to gain, by doing it.  I’m so happily married now and never would have met my husband if I hadn’t tried online dating.

    I totally agree that those of us for whom it finally works out don’t tend to post — because we move on to the next issue we need to work out (for example visiting sites for people having trouble getting pregnant, visiting sites on grieving a lost loved one, etc… so not necessarily better things just different life issues that they’re having trouble with).  So I think the online posting might be biased in the negative because people tend to read/post about things that are currently an unresolved issue for them.

    All I know is I hated the idea of online dating and for years refused to try it… but I finally did and now I feel so lucky and happy… and this is after having felt pretty resigned that I was just never going to have the love and happiness other people get to have… sometimes I still can’t believe I finally met my husband… so I hope some of you will be encouraged to persist through the disappointments we all have during online (or any type of) dating.

     

     

     

  20. 290
    Amika

    I’d like to take this time to confess that I’ve been doing online dating since I was 18 in 2003 and now that I’m recently single again, I’ll probably still go back to it.  And mind you for an 18 year old female in 2003 to be online dating…there was a HUGE negative stigma to it back then.  Honestly I revel in the fact that it’s so popular now, I knew it was a great resource! Haha And yes I could write a book about the bad experiences but so could I about the good things that came from it.  My biggest take away though is that you have to screen out the sketchy folks and really use your head about it.  You can meet losers and creeps in real life just as much as you can online…but at least online you can screen them out before they really get into your bubble.

  21. 291
    chili

    Words of advice about online dating:

    1. Posting pictures on your profile is paramount.   But unless the people who are viewing your profile are interested in photography, they are only interested in pictures of YOU.               They are NOT interested in pictures of your family, pets, vacation, etc.(unless you’re in these pictures).  So don’t post pictures you don’t appear in on your profile. 

    2. If you make a date and want to break it later, have the decency to call the person on the phone.   Only cowards break a date by sending an email or a text message.  Also, don’t act like a real jerk by either completely avoiding any contact with the person after you make a date….that is, not calling them, not answering their phone calls, and not returning them……., or waiting until they call you before you tell them you can’t keep the date.    Again, have the decency to call them, and make the call when you know you’re not going to keep the date.

    3. If someone sends you a message on an internet dating site, and you’re NOT interested, DON’T reply.   Sending a reply will probably entice the person to keep sending you more messages.   But if you do, don’t say something stupid like you’re already dating someone.   It’s not believable….if that’s really your situation, then why are you on the dating site?

    4. If the main picture on someone’s profile is appealing to you, and you’re thinking of contacting this person, have the common sense to look at ALL of their pictures, and anything else on their profile that may be important to you, BEFORE you decide to send them a message.

    5. If you receive a call for the FIRST time from someone you’ve given your number to, and you can’t talk to them at that time, then YOU should return the call.   DON’T tell them to call back.   They took the initiative to make the call, and obviously didn’t know it was a bad time for you to speak, so YOU should have the decency to make the return call.

    6. Don’t let your friends use your profile to browse through a dating site, especially if you’re a paid subscriber with full membership privileges.   Sometimes the friends will contact other members on the site without your knowledge, the recipients will think it’s you, and when they find out it’s someone else, the outcome is not always friendly, …..OR the recipients may not be interested, but think you’re interested in them …because they think you’re the one who sent the message, … and maybe tell their friends about the message they think you sent them……OR your friends could do something that violates the dating site’s terms and conditions which could get you kicked off the site.  Most of these dating sites offer a free membership, which may not allow communication with other members, but do allow viewing other member profiles.  So when your friends ask you to use your membership to view profiles on a dating site that you belong to, tell them to sign up for their own free membership.

    7. Post the CORRECT city and state where you live in your profile, not a place where you used to live, where you want to live, or where your friend lives.   It sounds like basic common sense, but intentionally posting a city, state or country where a person doesn’t live does happen.  If you’re contacting someone on a dating site, and you tell the person you live somewhere different than what you have posted on your profile, it’s a real turn off, especially if you live in another state or country.

  22. 292
    Chili Peppers

    Words of advice about online dating:
    1. Posting pictures on your profile is paramount. But unless the people who are viewing your profile are interested in photography, they are only interested in pictures of YOU. They are NOT interested in pictures of your family, pets, vacation, etc.(unless you’re in these pictures). So don’t post pictures you don’t appear in on your profile. 
    2. If you make a date and want to break it later, have the decency to call the person on the phone. Only cowards break a date by sending an email or a text message. Also, don’t act like a real jerk by either completely avoiding any contact with the person after you make a date….that is, not calling them, not answering their phone calls, and not returning them……., or waiting until they call you before you tell them you can’t keep the date. Again, have the decency to call them, and make the call when you know you’re not going to keep the date.
    3. If someone sends you a message on an internet dating site, and you’re NOT interested, DON’T reply. Sending a reply will probably entice the person to keep sending you more messages. But if you do, don’t say something stupid like you’re already dating someone. It’s not believable….if that’s really your situation, then why are you on the dating site?
    4. If the main picture on someone’s profile is appealing to you, and you’re thinking of contacting this person, have the common sense to look at ALL of their pictures, and anything else on their profile that may be important to you, BEFORE you decide to send them a message.
    5. If you receive a call for the FIRST time from someone you’ve given your number to, and you can’t talk to them at that time, then YOU should return the call. DON’T tell them to call back. They took the initiative to make the call, and obviously didn’t know it was a bad time for you to speak, so YOU should have the decency to make the return call.
    6. Don’t let your friends use your profile to browse through a dating site, especially if you’re a paid subscriber with full membership privileges. Sometimes the friends will contact other members on the site without your knowledge, the recipients will think it’s you, and when they find out it’s someone else, the outcome is not always friendly, …..OR the recipients may not be interested, but think you’re interested in them …because they think you’re the one who sent the message, … and maybe tell their friends about the message they think you sent them……OR your friends could do something that violates the dating site’s terms and conditions which could get you kicked off the site. Most of these dating sites offer a free membership, which may not allow communication with other members, but do allow viewing other member profiles.  So when your friends ask you to use your membership to view profiles on a dating site that you belong to, tell them to sign up for their own free membership.
    7. Post the CORRECT city and state where you live in your profile….not a place where you used to live, where you want to live, or where your friend lives. It sounds like basic common sense, but intentionally posting a city, state or country where a person doesn’t live does happen. If you’re contacting someone on a dating site, and you tell the person you live somewhere different than what you have posted on your profile, it’s a real turn off, especially if you live in another state or country.

    1. 292.1
      Rachel

      Thanks Chili,

      Those are useful tips. If I ever try online dating again (not likely) I’ll be sure to remember them. 🙂

  23. 293
    Rachel

    Paying $25 a month makes good sense, if you are earning over $25,000 a year.

    What doesn’t make sense, is why I should settle for a man I have nothing in common with and can’t stand to be with. I prefer to be alone….

    I don’t do long distance relationships either. They have never worked out for me in the past.

  24. 294
    Jamie

    I’m not sure when this article was made, but it’s approaching 2016 now, and it’s becoming more socially acceptable to meet people online. I don’t really give a rats ass if it’s socially acceptable or not, I’ll do what I damn well want. Sometimes change can be difficult, but it’s part of life.

    For some people “online dating” works, (I prefer to just call it dating, to me, dating is dating whether it’s online or offline). Every relationship is different, it depends on how much effort you put into the relationship and making it work, that applies to any relationship regardless. Even if you do know each other in “real” life, if all you’re interested in is sex, then you won’t get very far in the long term. What maintains a long lasting relationship is not strictly physical intimacy, but mutual trust and connection.

    What wonders me is, if it’s such a bad thing to meet people online, then why make it possible? Isn’t that partially what technology is for? To bring people together? Some say that the ones who are sceptical about dating via the net have either had bad experiences or haven’t tried it before.  In my experience, I have met some girls and temporarily had flings with them, etc, nothing special. A couple of years ago however, I joined a community in support of LGBT, it is not a hookup site whatsoever, albeit I unintentionally met someone there and spent one or two years getting to know them. We had ups and downs, but that was down to personal issues, not technical. I like her a lot more than some of the people I know in “real” life. For example, if I’ve had a really bad day, then just having a conversation with her would make me feel much much better.  Of course there are downsides, it hurts me that I can’t physically interact with her (yet), but the thought of not being able to communicate with her at all hurts me even more. So yes, it can work out, but just like any other relationship, it requires dedication.

  25. 295
    Rachel

    I am through with online dating and dating altogether. The last guy I met online only wanted to talk about my cup size. This was before we even met in person. Men like that should rent hookers instead of trying to date ladies.

    I got rid of him though. He took off like a flash when I told him I was disabled! 😀

    If a man is over 30 and single, there’s usually a reason for it. He wants to play and probably will still be playing when he’s a dirty old man. All the good men are married or priests.

    I am going to become a nun…metaphorically speaking, since I’m a protestant.

    1. 295.1
      hunter

      Rachel,

      .I have yet to meet a 30yr old male or player, that goes out(dates), and doesn’t get caught….

       

  26. 296
    John

    I believe there are those who do not want to meet anyone (no matter how great they are) these are mostly the attractive types who perhaps want to even the score for being wronged sometime in their life, so they play games.  I won’t call them man haters, but they do have major issues with men. This addiction to online attention is far worse than I could possibly imagine. I think that most people don’t communicate or can’t engage in conversation unless it’s about what they did today or how hot you think they are. Yes, I have met people online, but my honest opinion is these people are not looking to get off of these dating sites and don’t want to…crazy? why yes it is, but also true. These people are addicted to all the attention they receive and the power they have to manipulate others. They have also set the bar so high that no real person actually exists. I also never contacted those who I thought were out of my league by any means…but even those #5-7’s have way over valued their own looks and think they can get or have those perfect #10 guys. I think most guys don’t have a clue and think there must be something wrong with them…those poor fools.The 99% over picky (delusional) untouchables have ruined it for those of you who are serious about actually meeting someone.

    1. 296.1
      Rachel

      Sorry if I came across as a misanthrope or man-hater. The fact is I’m not a ten and I know it. Especially when it comes to appearance.

      I know nice guys still exist, John, but most of the guys that contact me only want one thing–and it’s not a relationship that will last more than 10 minutes. I may be ugly, but I’m not a piece of low-grade bologna!

      As far as Evan’s comments in his free e book go, I don’t think I want his program. He seems to me to be saying that the key to finding true love is:

      1. Pay 50% of your income to dating sites and coaches.

      2. Throw all your standards out the window.

      3. Date men you have nothing in common with and something magical will happen.

      Even if I “landed” a husband according to his criteria (not my own) I know we would be very unhappy together.

      The fact is there are plenty of men who don’t meet my standards (and no my standards don’t include handsome and rich, guys! I’m willing to date somewhat homely, poor and disabled men) that I can meet offline.

      My basic criteria are that he be my religion and that we have several shared interests along with a sense of humor and above average intelligence. I’m willing to date outside my race possibly, but for me religion is non-negotiable. I also will date men who are visually impaired, mentally ill, little people, obese, or in wheelchairs. All I want is a man who is my equal.

      1. 296.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        1. Wrong. Unless you can’t afford $27 for an eBook or $797 for my Love U program, in which case, by all means, it wouldn’t be wise to invest in such luxuries.

        2. Never. What’s the point of finding lasting love if you have no standards. Can you even BE in love if you have no standards? If that’s your interpretation of words like “compromise”, then that’s fine, but I certainly didn’t tell you to throw our your standards. Put another way: everyone who finds lasting love compromises on SOMETHING. Do what they’re doing. (It’s probably compromising a little on height, weight, age, income, religion, location, education as opposed to character/kindness/commitment/communication)

        3. While I do tell people to open up, I’ve never said “date men you have nothing in common with.” Ever.

        So basically, you’re reacting to things I HAVEN’T said and willfully misinterpreting things I have said. You’ve made a straw man argument against me and you’ve ably knocked it down. Except nothing you said was true. I wouldn’t have found my OWN wife online because of my “standards” (brilliant profile, younger than me, location). My wife wouldn’t have found me online because of her standards (Catholic, not Jewish). The point is that there are GREAT people online that we foolishly overlook because of our beliefs. I’m challenging you to do what my wife and I didn’t do online. It’s great advice – if you choose to take it. As it stands, you’re getting all huffy over NOTHING.

        Your final paragraph makes my case for me. You CAN have a man who is your same religion (it just may box you in a bit if you are a Methodist who needs a Methodist, etc). You can find a guy of above average intelligence. NO ONE IS TELLING YOU OTHERWISE. The only thing you haven’t calculated is that the man you end up with may not be your equal; he may be better than you. Because he will be able to conduct a conversation like an adult, without histrionics, attacks, false accusations and hyperbole. If you find a guy who puts up with your style of arguing, you are a lucky woman indeed.

      2. 296.1.2
        Karl R

        Rachel,

        1. If coaching and dating sites would require 50% of your income, then your immediate concerns are food and shelter.  Forget about dating and focus on financial stability.

        2. You don’t have to throw all of your standards out the window.  Certain standards will help you find and maintain a good relationship; others won’t.  The former are essential.  The latter will make your search longer and more difficult … so there’s a trade-off if you keep them.

        3. You’re supposed to marry someone who shares your values and goals.  That’s essential.  If you’re like most of us, you’ll discover their values and goals by dating them.

         

        Above average intelligence: Since 49.99% of the population has this, it’s not much of a limiting factor.  However, if you actually require someone who is intellectually gifted (top 2%), then it’s extremely limiting.

        Sense of humor: Everyone has a sense of humor.  But humor is subjective, so not everyone will share your sense of humor.  This may or may not be limiting.

        Same religion: That depends on which religion you belong to and where you live.  If you live in the U.S. and you’re just looking for someone who is Christian, then it’s pretty easy.  If you belong to a small religion (i.e. Ba’hai or Yazidi), then your dating pool may be extremely limited.

        Despite this, shared religious beliefs can actually simplify your dating search.  Look around your church.  That’s your dating pool.  If that doesn’t work out, find other churches for your religion in your area, and start visiting those.

        If you exhaust that extended dating pool, then you know you’re screwed.  It might not provide you with a solution, but at least you’ll have some clarity.

        Several shared interests: That seems like overkill.  My wife and I have one shared interest (dancing).  That’s important because it allows us to pursue one of our hobbies and have it be “together” time.  The rest of our hobbies are “apart” time.

        One of my other interests has an annual local convention.  After years of attending that convention, I have concluded that there are two people in this city (of several million) who share that interest -and- are avid dancers.  I’m one of them.  The other woman is married with kids.

         

        Only one other member of the dance community is also a member of the church … a married woman.  (My wife does not share my religious beliefs.)  I’ve seen three past or current members of my church at that local convention, and all three of them are men.

        To put it another way: If I had your standards, I would be single with no prospects.

        In all fairness, I did date one woman from my church who had some interest in two of my interests.  But we discovered that we had completely incompatible goals.  She wanted lots of kids, and I wanted none.  It was a deal-breaker for both of us.

  27. 297
    Rachel

    Evan, I’m truly sorry. I shouldn’t have been rude to you on your own site.

    I apologize for my behavior.

  28. 298
    John

    @ Rachel…no my post was not directed at you, but was rather intended for those who are just looking for attention rather than those who are using dating sites that are seriously looking for a relationship. My point is that many people on these sites are simply just playing around and some…well actually many are not even willing to meet in person but just seek validation and want to be put on a pedestal and others just lead guys on, then suddenly cut all communication and or cancel out of dates etc and not just because they found someone else, but just for kicks. If you are really what you say you are then you are certainly a minority and I praise you for that.

  29. 299
    Ty

    Lots of venting going on here.  I am a good looking man (I have worked as a wedding model) and I earn a multiple six figure salary.  I have had no luck with online dating.  I am just finishing up a six month membership on match.  I get roughly a 50% response rate on all the emails I send to women.  I have met over 20 women in person.  Out of those 20 or so I would say 18 misrepresented themselves by posting pictures that were photoshoped or otherwise out of date.  The one woman who I really liked in person said that I wanted a relationship more than she did and would not continue to date.  Well, if you dont want a relationship then get off the site.  I am also an accomplished dancer and can meet women at the dance halls.  For all you women and men who misrepresent yourselves shame on you.  I’m done with online dating….

  30. 300
    Shiryl Dane

    I am a 24 yrs old Filipino young woman I met my husband in asianeuro.com which is an online dating it worked for us  and we are doing well now. My husband is from Czech he flew across the ocean just to marry me which I am very grateful about. Actually it was very quick because he cannot wait to marry me and I was in nursing school that time and he is a very smart psychologist. We have two beautiful boys now and we just had our 4 yrs anniversary yesterday 🙂 Honestly, If I were to turn back time, it would have been better if I finished my bachelors before I get married but I didnt regret having a family with him it is my ultimate dream and ultimate happiness to have one 🙂

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