Have You Ever Spied on Someone to See if They’re Still Using the Site When You Think You’re Starting to Get Serious?


Have you ever spied on someone to see if they’re still using the site when you think you’re starting to get serious?

How did you feel when you saw that they were “active within 24 hours”?

Did you confront/question your partner about their recent activity on the site or remain silent?

Did you feel you SHOULD continue to date other people because they were still active?

Find out my thoughts on the ability to “check up on” on your partner by clicking here:

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  1. 21

    Cindi’s experience only proves Zann’s point.

  2. 22


    I think you can ask the guy point blank and he can still lie to you and say nothing is wrong. He can say you’re exclusive even if you’re not. That was part of my story: asking and having the exclusivity talk didn’t mean anything. Sad but true.

  3. 23


    I disagree. If Cindi hadn’t done a little investigating on the side, she might not have known to have that crucial talk with her BF about her uneasy feelings. It’s hard for anyone to initiate a discussion based on a hunch or intuition, even if you trust your gut. Having her suspicions validated gave Cindi the confidence to have bring up her relationship status, even though she didn’t divulge her knowledge. And her BF opened the door by mentioning he was logging into the dating site to look at old messages (what a crock of horse hockey) and by saying she was not his “top match.” That sounds like “negging” to me–kind of waving it in her face, like he wanted her to feel insecure.


    Dump him. You deserve better. Will you really be able to trust him 5 years from now if you guys are married?

  4. 24

    I know, Cilla, and so can women. =)

    And yet I can’t name a single time in my own life when before things fell apart with somebody I really didn’t intuit anything, or that I hadn’t ignored any red flags. Not that many people are such great actors that one really doesn’t suspect a thing.

    The most important thing here is not to lie to _oneself_.

  5. 25

    @JuJu #24
    I agree and have found the same thing to be true. If you pay attention from the beginning, not just to typical ‘relationship’ things but to how the person lives their life and their character in different situations, few things will take you by surprise.

  6. 26


    You have a point that Cindi would not have known she needed to talk to her BF. However: “Now things are fine, but I do feel like this whole situation burst the bubble a little bit.” That sounds to me like there are lingering trust issues.

    Not saying it would definitely happen, but suppose the BF came to his own conclusion, sans spying, that he wasn’t going to look around any more?

  7. 27

    Resonse to Cilla’s #2: I might catch flack for my point of view on this, and that’s ok, we all have different opinions, but to address the part about what you said about someone has “to break the cycle first and risk getting hurt”? He needs to do it. I’m of the mindset that the woman should not be the pursuer. It’s not a male-bashing thing. I just believe that when the woman chases, the guy is lukewarm toward her at best. I’ve also checked up and I’ve bailed a couple of times when I found they were looking, not because I expected exclusivity at that point, but because I said straight up, “it’s fine if we see other people and not just each other, but be up front and honest about it”. Neither guy was honest; it was all, “oh no there’s no one else.” When they say there’s no one else, take that as a red flag; there may not be anyone else but that doesn’t mean they aren’t looking. It’s what they didn’t say that is the tip off.

  8. 28

    I had another thought because you good folks always get the gears turning. I do see where the ones who say, “don’t look” are coming from and I don’t think you’re incorrect. But here’s why I would look: one of the ways to get on my wrong side is to insult my intelligence and play me for a fool. Few things will get me any angrier. If a guy cannot be honest that he doesn’t want to be exclusive especially when he is given the opportunity to be up front, then he hurts himself worse than he hurts me because it speaks more to his character than there being anything wrong with me. I admit, as a Christian (and no, not everybody is) that shapes a couple of opinions I have on this: I believe that if I have that uneasy, something’s not right feeling in my gut, that is not a trust issue, that is the Holy Sprit telling me that I need to check this out because there’s a problem and this is not a good situation for me. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, WHERE THERE IS DECEPTION THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP. And yes, I recognize gals can be just as guilty of this as guys.

  9. 29

    Yes I have done it. Looking back on it I only felt a need to spy when my intuition told me something is not quite right – my intuition has not failed me yet.

  10. 30

    That’s fine JuJu that’s your opinion. What makes you think I’d care if you “dumped” me. We just started “casually dating” I’m seeing other people and there’s thousands more all over the internet. (That’s not the way I feel in reality but do you understand the point Evan or anyone could make with that comment ?)
    I’d never be stupid enough to tell any women what I do anyway from being on this blog or studying the game,psychology,relationships,etc….and there’s no way to find out. But Cindi did the same thing and gained a whole lot of knowledge and perception. I probably would’nt say “hey by the way you emailed my fake profile yesterday,what’s up with that ?” …LOL Duhh…. I would never do it if I was in an exclusive relationship like Cindi(not that I’m judging) but in the beginning of a possible online dating scenario ………. Hey, if a woman did it to me and let me know I’d say “were not exclusive I’ll email and date anyone I want and you should too”. “Dump me ??” ….LOL Oh well I guess I’ll never meet another woman again…lol Welcome to the internet …….there’s no scarcity here and everyone is replaceable even you and I.

  11. 31

    JB, what I meant was that if I am in a serious committed relationship with a man, I would hardly enjoy such “tests”, nor would I make up any for my SO to pass.

    To put it simply, I will not be able to trust (and be happy with) a man who has such overwhelming trust issues.

  12. 32

    Things have been going much better with the man I am dating. we talked things over and I dont feel that terrible nagging feeling anymore. I realize that staying together is a decision, not a necessity, so if anything else goes awry i will jump ship. I have been thinking a lot about cheating, “crossing the line”, etc, and was wondering what others opinions are on the matter. I feel very torn. A part of me wants to believe that some people are just hard-wired to want to fuck around, and another part of me thinks that we all sometimes have those moments of reassessment. These moments may not go as far as seeking out other people online, it might be more along the lines of spending a few extra minutes talking to a cute neighbor, deliveryman, etc. Is it wrong to do that, or is monogamy an abnormal state that we have to strive for?

  13. 33

    I definitely feel obligated to share this story…I have been dating a great guy for over six months that I met on a dating website. I do trust him, but had asked him a few months ago to delete his match.com profile. He went in and cancelled his paying subscription.
    I checked on it again today and saw that his profile said that he was “active within 24 hours”. I confronted him about it and he wanted to prove that he was not on the site, so he called match.com in front of me and asked the “customer service” agent why match.com shows that people are active who have in fact, not been on for months and months. “Customer service” agent explained that even if you still get the match.com emails and immediately delete them, they count that as “activity”. Even if you cancel your subscription but read the emails–or simply delete the emails–it logs you as being active. I heard her say this to him.

    It’s unfortunate that match.com is defrauding people into thinking that all of these great people are “active within” short periods of time because they are trashing their solicitation emails. SCAM that I am sure, based on a google search is causing issues for many people.

    1. 33.1

      You can go on match.com and opt out of getting emails, so his excuse is BS. And…you won’t be shown as active unless you have actually opened the email. I found out my ex had a hidden profile and was “actively” looking at profiles daily, apparently looking to trade up. This was after he showed me that he cancelled his subscription. Cheaters are gonna cheat, best to move on when the evidence is there and not waste your precious time on a loser.

  14. 34

    That’s just one of the MANY reasons I hate Match.com and refuse to use the site even though it has more women than Yahoo. These sites do everything they can to manipulate you and invade your privacy as well doing everything they can to delude people into thinking other people are interested when they are not.

    Today without telling anyone Yahoo instituted “Who’s saved you section” so now everyone can see who’s saved who if YOU LET THEM. It’s just one more ridiculous filter (like seeing who “looked” at a profile etc….) to make people think someone MIGHT be interested just because they “saved” you.

    Hey Rebecca, that’s one more reason like I said in post #8,when I start dating someone my profile gets DELETED so no one can see what I’m doing ANY day. People that are savy know all these “ins & outs”. I know many women that do.

  15. 35

    LOL!!! So you can’t be too sure about the person you’re dating that you met on-line (but good for you Rebecca that it went the other way) and you can’t trust the website! Is nothing sacred anymore???

  16. 36

    I definitely think instincts are underrated….if it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck….well….

    And I want to stress that the emails I referred to in my post are emails that go to the email address that is your login name on match, not actually checking the communications from people on the site. Match.com reminds me of a psycho ex-girlfriend who thinks that if you run into her in a bar after you break up and say hi, that you want to get married….that is, if deleting an email counts as “communication” in their eyes….

  17. 37

    I did not renew my subscription to Match when it ended in September 2008. I tried to delete my profile and had to finally just hide it. As far as I can see you can’t delete your profile. ?? They say they will keep it on file for one year. I assume as long as there is so-called “activity” it keeps restarting the clock?! I noticed there for a few weeks that they kept sending me emails saying that someone had sent me an email. That first time, I bit and logged on and there was nothing. After that I got a few more of those emails and just deleted them when they came to my regular email address. So, if I’m getting this right, when I delete these emails, it’s still counting as “activity”…so Match will always have my profile on file then?

  18. 38

    In this day and age of meeting TOTAL strangers online and not having any true background on them, you somtimes have to do some validating. Trust is important in a relationship, if you don’t have it, then you don’t have make of a relationship….however, you sometimes need tools to rule out the players who have mad game.

  19. 39

    I am going through this right now.   I met a wonderful (or at least I think she is) lady on Match.com.   We first emailed, then spoke by phone, then texted every day and low and behold, it we really clicked.
    Then we talked about the future and our kids, etc.   We met and she had misrepresented herself about her weight, etc. and seemed less passionate than on our previous conversations but after the meeting she told me “i want you”, i really feel the connection, etc.
    Then we met with the kids and it was really fun and things went swimmingly.   I went on match to see if she had been on because I got a strange vibe.
    There she was with IM open.   It signals to me that she is playing games, is not as enamored with me as she says and is disingenuous.
    Once i am seeing someone after two or three dates, i pull my profile down if I like them.
    So, she is either using me for the attention or playing a game.   My experience on these sites has been not as positive as expected.
    So many games and so many shallow people.   Anyone with integrity and honesty would not act in this manner.   So she always texts me goodnight.   Guess what…..active tonight on Match, no text.
    it is not spying to check on people, it is smart and the right thing to do to protect yourself from being hurt!   Bottom line.

    1. 39.1

      Agree BB.

      Im in New Zealand – I have just had a bad experience, but my fault for not looking out.   I can go into our NZ specific dating website just looking up search singles without my logging in and having a profile active ( I’ve taken mine off ) and see if a guy has been active.   ðŸ˜  And he has.   I’m over it – it is anxiety and not enjoyable I’d rather meet a man face to face.

  20. 40

    Rationalize it however you want; it’s spying.   Maybe you should just come out and ask her about it…

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